


Who Am I and Who Are You?

by d3adendsinmymind



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alive L (Death Note), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Daddy Issues, Emotional Manipulation, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everything's just a game, Gaslighting, Hurt/Comfort, Innocent Light Yagami, Is Light Kira?, L is a Little Shit (Death Note), M/M, Matt and Mello are a dynamic duo, Mello and Matt are gonna be matchmakers, Mental Health Issues, Mikami's evil, Mind Games, Nightmares, Past B/L, Secrets, Violence, Yotsuba Arc (Death Note)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:34:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 302,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d3adendsinmymind/pseuds/d3adendsinmymind
Summary: Light has been under suspicion of being Kira for far too long. After his girlfriend, Misa Amane, falls under suspicion for actual DNA evidence tying her to the case. Light then goes into confinement. And even after he has gone to extreme lengths to prove that there is no way he could be Kira, L still doubts him. Because L just KNOWS Light Yagami is Kira. The only way for L to be assured of Light's innocence or guilt is to become handcuffed to him. And no matter how long it takes, L will get a confession. No matter what he has to do, he will find out the truth. And Light will do anything to save his own life, to convince L that he isn't Kira. Even at the cost of his own sanity. This is all just a game, but a game that could be deadly.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 301
Kudos: 255





	1. The First Night

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Here I am, posting another fanfiction. I have about seven drafts of unfinished fanfiction lmao, so I'll be posting multiple chapters and multiple works simultaneously. This work explores L and Light's relationship in depth, because I just find it so interesting. Especially with Light being innocent. My sister mentioned how it would have been cool to not know Light was Kira, like seeing the case from L's perspective. So that's what this is. And I feel like it was never addressed how effed up it was for Light's own dad to pretend to shoot him. So Light's just gonna be chilling, trying to prove his innocence because he's NOT Kira. And L's gonna try and win this case, by any means necessary lol. Trigger Warning because multiple mental health issues will be discussed, and L is quite manipulative in this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I have not completely decided what direction to take with this fanfiction. This is the first time I am posting and writing a fic in real time. So I haven't decided if Light really isn't Kira of if his memories are wiped. Keep that in mind:)

A tense silence surrounded the pair as they walked up to what Light assumed would have to be a shared bedroom. L had made it quite clear that Light was not to leave his side until he was sure that the brunette was not Kira. And Light had a feeling that would be a long time. 

Staring down at the patterned carpet, Light resisted the urge to cry. Today had been simply awful. His head was still reeling from his near death experience. He felt as if the gun were still in front of his face, and that he was about to be shot at any given time. And Light wouldn’t put it past L to simply just off him, the bastard. The only reason L had not harmed Light further was only due to the fact that the rest of the task force was present. His father included. If not for them, Light was sure that he would be forced to endure medieval torture rituals until L got his confession. 

L was just so convinced Light was Kira, like he knew something Light didn’t. And this confused Light greatly.

Sure, their were a lot of suspicious events surrounding himself. But he knew he never killed anyone, he just knew that. He was sure he would remember committing murder. Despite what he had said at the beginning of his confinement. Light wasn’t even sure why he had said that. Why he had even allowed his mind to be convinced that L knew more about him than he himself did. 

No, it was just a coincidence that he lived in the Kanto region when Lind L. Tailor had died. He had been watching the broadcast, innocently, when the man had simply slumped over and died. He hadn’t done anything that would have led to his demise, had he? No, that was impossible. If one was to commit murder, they would surely purposefully perform the act. Light still wasn’t even sure how Kira killed his victims without being present, how was that even possible?

And it was just a coincidence that the FBI agent who had been following him had died. Eleven other agents who weren’t following him had died as well! Kira could be one of those suspects, why didn’t L even consider that? Light hadn’t even of known he was being followed, how could he possibly kill the man? L just seemed to have it out for him.

*Maybe he’s just jealous of how popular I am.* Light thought this silly thought, before inwardly banishing it. L, the world’s greatest detective, would surely never be jealous. 

And Misa…okay, yes, that did look bad. Light could admit that. Since her DNA had been found on the second Kira tapes, it made complete sense that L suspected her. But that didn’t mean Light was guilty just by association. He didn’t even really like Misa, why would he become Kira with her? No, Light had been casually dating Misa solely because the girl was insistent. He hadn’t of even known that Misa liked or supported Kira. He dated many girls after all, he didn’t have time to keep track of every single one of them. 

*Maybe I was framed!* Light suddenly thought, and knew he should share this deduction with the detective. Even though L would probably shoot it down, it did make sense. Could Misa be framing him? Light didn’t think so, but a theory slowly started forming in his mind.

It did seem very likely that Misa was the second Kira, considering her DNA was literally on the evidence that the second Kira had touched. And why would that be? Maybe Misa knew who the first Kira was, and was doing this to protect him. Maybe they had simply selected Light as a scapegoat, knowing it would be easy to pin the suspicious events on him.

Or maybe, Misa was even being framed. She certainly didn’t seem smart enough to be able to pull off an elaborate scheme like that. But who would want to frame the both of them?

Light was well-liked and respected by everyone, he was the son of the police chief for goodness sake! He had no enemies, none that he was aware of anyway. 

As L pushed open the bedroom door, Light hesitated. He really didn’t want to be alone in a room with a strange man. One who, God knows how, had convinced Light’s father to scare him half to death. He had no idea what L was capable of.

*Why would my father ever allow this to happen?* Light inwardly seethed. Soichiro Yagami would definitely not be receiving any ‘father of the year’ award for allowing Light to be chained to someone who was, for the most part, a complete stranger. 

The raven-haired man noticed that Light was making no move to move forward, and narrowed his eyes in annoyance. He tugged on the chain, harshly, which almost sent Light stumbling over. Luckily, since he feet had been planted firmly into the ground, he caught himself. 

Scowling, he glared up at L’s pale face. “What the hell? I’m not a dog, you know.” Light snapped, before inwardly cringing. He should probably not try and provoke this man. Who knew what L was like if he got annoyed enough? Light cursed his smart mouth.

“Light-kun was making no indication that he would be moving forward.” L drawled. “I would very much like to get back to working, if you don’t mind.”

Light glared and stalked into the room. He willed his mouth to not make any more retorts, but words spilled from his mouth anyways. “Well if you don’t like waiting for me, you shouldn’t have chained yourself to me.” Light complained, glancing around disinterestedly at the master suite.

“I would not have had to resort to such extreme measures if Light-kun was not Kira.” L’s eyes glinted. “Maybe he should just confess, and save everyone the trouble.”

Light narrowed his eyes, and snapped out another unsavory reply. “I’m not confessing to something I didn’t do. Because, then I actually would be lying!” And L just stared back at him, owlishly. 

“Light-kun should not lie when it is just the two of us. I know exactly who you are.” L drawled lowly, stalking up to the brunette. Light gulped and tried not to step back, not wanting L to know how afraid of him he was. “There are no camera’s in this room, you know. Whatever is said in here will be kept in complete secrecy.”

Light rolled his eyes. How stupid did L think he was? If he was Kira-which he wasn’t!-why would he confess to that to L himself? Plus, surely there were camera’s in this room. Why would L take the risk of Light doing something suspicious and not having it recorded?

L was such a liar. But if he was telling the truth….Light felt a tremor of fear run through him.

“No camera’s? Does that mean..” Light gulped, because L was still staring at him blankly in quite a close range. “You could, hypothetically, kill me and say it was in self defense?”

L’s expression morphed into one of wicked glee. “I am no murderer, Light. That’s you.” He then brought up a hand to cup Light’s jaw and forced Light to look him directly in his sleep deprived eyes. “You’re projecting, I see.”

Light quickly wrenched himself away from L’s grip and took two mighty steps back. He was quite uncomfortable with the other man’s close proximity, and did not like it one bit. “So it’s okay to have people’s father’s pretend to shoot them? But murder is where you draw the line?” He snapped, ruffled. He couldn’t help it, he was still very upset about that fact. 

His own father, someone who was supposed to love Light unconditionally, had made an attempt on his life. No matter how fake, Light could’ve even been the one to have a heart attack! Simply from the fear of it all. And it’s not like that genius plan was free of risk, plenty of things could’ve gone wrong!

L smile disappeared and he shuffled past Light into the bathroom. “That was simply a test.” He stated. Light felt his blood boil. 

“Some test!” Light snapped angrily, unwillingly being led by L into the bathroom. “What if I had actually been shot?”

“Then Kira would’ve been effectively stopped.” L smiled, before it faded into a frown upon seeing Light’s angry expression. “Too soon?”

“Stop saying I’m a mass murderer L!” Light spat. “You can keep it to yourself, I get it.” Light angrily walked up to the sink and gripped it tightly. “Where’s a stupid toothbrush? I hope you have one, because obviously I wasn’t allowed to bring MINE.”

L ignored Light’s anger and instead pulled out a newly packaged toothbrush and some toothpaste. “There is face wash on the counter as well.” He stated in a bored tone. “I know which kind Light-kun likes, you’re welcome.”

Light just stared back in astonishment. “Yeah, thank you.” He snapped hatefully. “How ever could you have gotten that information? Probably from spying on me illegally!”

L stayed deathly quiet, which unsettled Light and led to him quickly brushing his teeth. He decided to take out his aggression on his gums, and by the end of the task he was bleeding.

“Light-kun’s gums are bleeding.” L stated the obvious, and Light ignored him.

As he let the warm water run over his face, he felt as if he were drowning. Trying not to flinch, he simply garbed a towel hastily and dried his face off.

*Get ahold of yourself, you can’t loose it!* He mentally scolded himself. If he were to start acting mad, L would have even more reason to suspect him of being Kira.

Light just couldn’t shake that feeling that he was going to die, or that someone was out to harm him. It clung to his skin like a parasite, and wormed it’s way into his brain. He only wished he could silence those nagging thoughts.

*L’s going to kill you…he’ll poison you…he’ll suffocate you in your sleep! Or he’ll have your father come in and finish the job.* His brain mocked him. Light slightly shook his head and blinked away a sudden wetness that had made it’s way into his eyes. 

When had Light become so paranoid? This afternoon surely hadn’t affected him this much, had it? Light, attempting to ignore the sick swirl of emotions in his stomach, simply shut off the bathroom light. L followed.

When Light was only a few steps from the bed, L suddenly grasped his arm and whirled him around roughly. Light, startled, took a few steps back to attempt and break free. But L just simply backed him up into the bed, until he was standing with his legs pressed against the mattress. 

“Two things.” L growled, staring at Light menacingly. “Light will not speak unless spoken to. Light will also cease his whining, for it is grating my nerves.”

Light glared back indignantly at the man, willing himself not to shrink under L’s glare. Light was not about to let himself be bullied into submission like a weak pet!

“I’m not whining!” He snapped. L cocked his head.

“The only response to my statement should be a polite nod.” L sighed. “Usually, Light, you are so polite. I do not appreciate the fact that you allow this facade to slip around me. I do not much care for this rude Light.”

Light gaped, how was he being rude?

Before he could indignantly shout at L again, L pressed a finger to his lips to silence him. Seemingly having read the boys thoughts. “I have dealt with brats before, and I am not afraid to deal with you.” He firmly told Light, eyeing him as if he were some disgusting vermin. “I do not put up with insolence. I will tame you, if that’s what it takes. And I doubt you would enjoy that.”

Something about the dark tone of L’s voice and his threat made all indignations die in Light’s throat. He absolutely hated when someone would get cross with him. He absolutely hated being scolded and punished. He had ever since he was a child. That was why he was always so well behaved, and voiced most of his rude comments inside of his own head. 

L just had a way of bringing out the worst in him.

But Light was tired and still felt like he was about to cry. So, swallowing his pride, he obediently nodded like he had been instructed to do. He looked down at the floor and heard L sigh.

The other man then sat down in bed, making Light frown. He wanted to change out of his clothes, how did L expect him to do that with the chain? Did he expect Light to sleep in his casual going out clothes? Light nearly shuddered at the uncomfortable prospect. He knew there had to be pajamas lying around here somewhere, he had instructed his father to bring some after all. 

L looked up at Light, and narrowed his eyes. “Sit.” He ordered. “You wanted to sleep, didn’t you?”

Light hesitated. He didn’t want to have L threaten him again, but he also wanted to change into comfortable clothes.

And L did say he should speak when spoken too. And L had just asked Light a question. So Light, still wary of the detective, decided to hesitantly voice his inner thoughts.

“I need to change into night clothes?” He meant to tell L this fact, but it came out as a question. 

L actually had the nerve to roll his eyes, but still stood up and walked over to Light. “Ah, of course.” He mumbled, unlocking the cuff. “Get to it then.”

Light just continued to stand in the middles of the room, staring at L awkwardly. “Did my father bring any of my clothes here?” He asked, trying not to sound annoyed. 

“Yes, they are in that drawer.” L pointed behind Light to the dresser, and Light couldn’t help himself from scowling. How was he supposed to know that’s where his clothes would be? He had never even been inside of this room before!

As he was rifling through his clothes in the drawer, L decided to comment on Light’s scowl. “Light-kun should not allow such nasty expressions to fall over his face, he might attract wrinkles.”

Light bit his cheek so hard that he thought he tasted blood, and remained silent. He could hear the smirk in L’s voice, and this greatly annoyed him. However, he would not entertain L with a response. He was much too worn out. 

Pulling out a black pull-over and grey sweatpants, he frowned. THIS was the extent of night clothes his father had brought him? Where were his satin pajamas? Light attempted to swallow his anger.

*If you want something to be done right, you have to do it yourself.* He sighed inwardly. He couldn’t even trust his father not to kill him, not anymore. He shouldn’t have expected the man to respect his fashion style. 

Light turns to make his way back over to the bathroom, but L’s voice stops him cold in his tracks. “Where is Light-kun heading off to?” L inquires, though his deep tone of voice made it sound like a threat.

“T-the bathroom?” Light mumbles back, cursing himself for stuttering. Why has L suddenly gotten him so flustered?

“I cannot watch Light-kun if he goes into the bathroom, alone. And I do not feel like getting up off this bed, I am much too comfortable.” L explains to Light slowly, as if he is a child. “Light-kun may change in here, where I may see him.”

“No!” Light shouts, forgetting his fear of the other man temporarily. Is L really this socially inept? It is just simply not polite to change garments in the presence of others, Light knows this. And it is most inappropriate to stare at someone’s naked form. Is L trying to embarrass him? Intimidate him? Or does he really think that Light will have no issue about stripping in front of his captor? The more Light thinks about the situation, the more ridiculous it all seems. 

“Yes.” L looks up from his laptop now, cocking his head. “I will not risk Light-kun attempting to murder me whilst my back in turned.”

“But that’s not fair!” Light squeaked. He was humiliated. “I’m still a human being, aren’t I? I deserve basic rights, like privacy!”

L brought his thumb to his mouth, and continued to stare at him coldly. “Murder…suspects,” He added that last part almost as an after thought, making Light’s blood boil even harder. “loose those rights during investigations. Or at least, they do in mine.”

“Well that’s totally illegal.” Light frowned. 

L shrugged. “It’s also why I've never lost a case.” He simply stated. “I will do whatever it takes to catch Kira, Light-kun. I do not care how outlandish my actions seem. Please try and grasp this concept, for it will help you in moving forward with this investigation.”

Light just narrowed his eyes. “Then I won’t change.” He challenged L, smirking. Even though inwardly, he was panicking. Sleeping in his daytime clothes would be quite uncomfortable, and he did not want his pants to become wrinkled!

L smiled a small smile, startling Light. L was not one to smile, and his smiles were quite creepy. Light felt as if he were actually in the presence of a monster, and one who wanted to eat him alive. “If that is Light-kun’s wish, it matters not to me.” He then beckoned Light over with a long, pale finger. “Now then, let’s reattach these handcuffs.”

Light, ever the proud bird, strutted over to the dresser. He regretfully put the more comfortable clothes back into the drawer, looking down at them forlornly. He then gathered as much dignity as he could, and strutted back over to L. He held his head high and tried not to waver under the other man’s stare. 

L just stared at him in amusement, before locking the cuff around Light’s wrist once again. He then turned his now stoic gaze over to his laptop, leaving Light to hesitantly crawl into bed. 

Light knew there was no use in fighting over the sleeping arrangements, for the cuffs would not allow the pair to reside in different beds. 

*Plus, L never sleeps anyway. He’ll be awake on that damn laptop the whole time.* Light comfortingly thought to himself. *Therefore, this isn’t weird.* Still, he stiffly laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. He wondered if L could sense the tension rolling off of him.

And he doesn’t have his melatonin, either. Light closed his eyes and tried not to sigh despondently, tried not to show how weak and pitiful he actually is feeling. He thinks of asking L if Watari has sleeping pills, but he doesn’t. L would probably yell at him for speaking without purpose. Or, call him a junkie and then raise his percentage five percent.

Without even realizing it, Light has rolled on to his side and is now lying in a fetal position. The chain is quite tight around his wrist, but he doesn’t care. He hates this, he hates sleeping in strange beds. He misses his soft cotton bedsheets that smell like lavender. He misses the soft sounds that come from living in a suburban area. He misses tightly wrapping himself inside of HIS comforter that he’s had since he was a mere child. He misses normalcy.

He misses having control, and having his perfect routine to get him through the day. He misses being certain about his life, he misses the confidence that used to exude from Light Yagami. How has he fallen so far from grace?

It seems one day, he was just a bright college student on his way to becoming a highly respected detective. And now, here he lies like some weeping hostage next to a stranger. A stranger who orchestrated a fatal break in the relationship between him and his father. 

And Light still cannot figure out how his father could’ve agreed to this? Does he really believe in Light’s innocence so little? Did no one think of the lasting consequences? If life was at all fair, Light would be sitting in therapy right now. He wants to be mollycoddled, and feels he deserves that. He deserves sympathy, and he craves comfort. 

But there is nothing comforting in this desolate room, nothing along with this ominous presence that is seated besides him. 

The incessant typing of L’s keyboard will keep him up. He wants to tell L to silence his ministrations, but he really doesn’t think he could sleep even if he tried. 

This is all just so wrong. He is Light Yagami, one of Japan’s best and brightest. And now he is being detained and manhandled as if he is some sort of deplorable criminal? He thinks it quite unfair that all of these horrid events have just been released on him, especially considering his age. Light should be enjoying college, enjoying the freedom that comes with turning eighteen. Instead, he feels enfeebled. Like he is a mere child, and has lost all control of anything and everything. 

Light is exhausted and filled with anxiety simultaneously. His eyes feel heavy and yet his breathing is quite erratic. He hopes L doesn’t notice. He clutches on to the bedsheets, trying to find something to ground himself. He snuggles his head into the pillow, it smells like a hotel. It all feels so impersonal. He craves affection from his mother right now. God, how he misses Sachiko.

*She would have never pretended to shoot me.* Light thinks bitterly, but even that thought is filled with doubts. He always felt as if his mother had loved him more than his father. Sachiko had been the one who was the most affectionate to Light. And for someone as touch-starved as himself, he appreciated this dearly. She was the parent who always asked about his school day, and actually cared about the answer. She had always been there for advice, and her encouraging words had affected Light in ways his mother would probably never even know.

And that’s why Light loved his mother so much. Because everyone liked Light Yagami, but his mother loved him. And Light knew that she was the only one.

Before this shooting, Light had always felt his father’s absence. And, sure, he could blame it on his father’s line of work. But it was more than that, and Light knew it. His father had been content to praise Light from a distance, to be a father to him from a distance. He had let Sachiko raise Light, and only appeared when he was needed. Soichiro treated Light like a specimen, like a project he had succeeded in creating. He expected perfection out of his only son, and Light supplied that readily. For that was the only way to earn his father’s validation, which his subconscious knew he deeply craved. 

But, now, could his father ever be proud of him again? Even when he was proven not to be Kira, would that doubt always linger? 

*And if mom found out, God forbid-* Light didn’t think he could handle his mother’s disappointed stare. Her newfound wariness that would surely come if she found out Light was a suspect would make him positively suicidal. He didn’t want his mother to think of him as a heartless murderer! He wanted her to reassure him that she knew, without a doubt, that he could never be Kira.

*Maybe you are.* His thoughts mocked. But Light knew he wasn’t, these were just intrusive thoughts. He had learned about them in his high school psychology class. But, oh God. *Does this mean I’m having some sort of anxiety attack?*

Light’s logic and reasoning told him that this was probably the case, but his pride denied it. He clenched his teeth and desperately tried to slow his breathing. He screwed his eyes shut and payed for sleep. But alas, sleep just did not seem to be in the cards for him on that particular night.

Usually when Light couldn’t sleep, he would take a sleeping aid. Or make himself tea and watch some idle kids movie to lull himself to sleep. But none of those things were accessible to him at the moment. And he was sure L wasn’t feeling nice enough to allow Light tea, or anything else that would help him fall asleep. L was a sadistic detective, who surely wanted Light’s stay to be miserable and uncomfortable.

*He probably would enjoy my sleepless state.* Light groused to himself, glaring at the back of his eyelids. *He’d try and force some kind of false confession from me, while I was tired out of my mind!* No, that would never do. Light would have to request a sleeping agent from Soichiro the first chance he got tomorrow. 

He hugged his torso with his two arms tightly, and was struck with how lonesome that particular action was. He couldn’t help it, he felt too small in this moment. He felt a wetness prick at his eyelids, and cursed himself again. Light Yagami never cried! Well, not in front of others anyway. And certainly not in front of strangers such as L. But as he was stripped of his privacy at the moment, he had no where to run and hide. He was left to lay under the sheets and try to desperately muffle his sobs. 

One could not even tell that Light was crying, unless they looked over and observed Light’s shaking form. But L, being ever observant, did notice.

“Is Light-kun quite alright?” L’s inquiry broke Light out of his thoughts, making his shaking stop. Light was struck with how odd L’s voice sounded, it came across almost as..comforting? Light swallowed, angry that his distress had been found out.

“Yes.” He breathes out heavily, knowing that L wants a response. And he knows L wants the truth, but like hell Light is going to give it to him. He doesn’t want L to get any kind of pleasure from his suffering.

“Why are you crying?” L asks again, attempting to sound comforting.

“I’m not…” Light mumbles, lying again. “…just tired, that’s all.” He knows that L is aware of this lie, but he doesn’t care. It should be fairly obvious why he’s crying, anyway.

“Light-kun fibs about the silliest things.” L muses, making Light involuntarily clench his fists. “This only makes your Kira percentage go up, you know. Does Light even know how to tell the truth?”

This makes Light roughly turn onto his other side to face the detective. Even though it is dark, L can see from the light of the computer that Light has indeed been crying. Light tries to muster up his nastiest glare. “You-“ He starts angrily, but is quickly cut off by L’s stern expression sliding from the computer screen to his face. Light sighs, realizing he doesn’t even have the energy to be angry. 

“It doesn’t matter whether or not I’m crying.” He dismisses, trying to ignore the shame coursing through his body. “Don’t tell me wanting to hide my feelings makes me more Kira like. If anything, this makes me Kira less so. Would a heartless murderer ever cry?”

“Well, why are you crying?” L presses on. “Kira might cry, if he were realizing that he will be defeated.”

Light turns over, back away from the detective. “I don’t want to tell you that.” He mutters, defiantly. 

“You should.” L replies instantly. “I do not think I have witnessed Light-kun showing emotion, ever. This is quite interesting to me.”

Light feels a vein pulse in his forehead. *Of course he would find my suffering interesting, as if I am some kind of science experiment.* He wishes L would leave him alone, he misses the silence and keyboard tapping. 

“…I miss my mother.” Light finally reveals, settling for a half-truth. He thinks that if he gives L an answer the detective will be satisfied and leave Light alone with his thoughts.

“I see.” L replies tonelessly. *That sociopath probably doesn’t even understand why I would be missing her.* Light thinks bitterly. “Light-kun may speak with her on the phone tomorrow, if he wishes. Of course, these communications will have to be monitored.”

“No!” Light responses quickly, not thinking about his words. “I don’t want you knowing who my mother is, just to turn her against me too!”

There is a long moment of silence, in which Light thinks the detective has finally decided to leave him alone. But he has no such luck, as L speaks to him once more. “Ah. So this is really about Light’s bitter feelings towards what happened today.”

“So what?” Light responds petulantly. “I’m allowed to be upset about it. It’s my feelings, anyway.”

“Light-kun is attempting to guilt trip me, hoping I will take pity on him and release him of this confinement early?” L drones. 

Light feels anger flare up inside of himself once again, and turns back around to stare at L heatedly. “You're such a condescending asshole!” Light snaps, forgetting that he is meant to act polite. “Of course you wouldn’t understand why I miss my mom. But you don’t have to be such a dick about it!”

“Light, watch your temper.” L hisses dangerously. 

These words make Light laugh humorlessly, forgetting himself. “So now I’m not even entitled to my own feelings?” He whispers spitefully. “Not everything is about this case, or about you L. I’m…sad.” He spits out the last word, despite himself. 

“Well, I am sorry for that.” L replies, not sounding the lest bit genuine. 

“You’re not.” Light dismisses. Feeling a sudden surge of honesty, his eyes wander up to L’s stoic face. Weary, sad amber eyes meet dark grey ones. “What will you do when you realize that I am not Kira?”

L snorts. “That is not very likely.” 

“But I’m saying it is.” Light argues. “Because I myself KNOW I am not him. So will you feel remorse? When you realize you’ve put an innocent person through needless trauma?”

“IF I find that the real Kira is not Light-kun-“ L begins. “I will regret wasting time and resources on a incorrect theory. But, I never have incorrect theories. I know who you are, Light.”

“You don’t know me at all.” Light hisses, feeling insulted that L would even speak such a ludicrous thought.

“Does that bother Light-kun?” L asks, biting down on his thumb. “He must think he is a rather complex person, yes? Well, no matter how unreadable he thinks he is, I can see right through him. I mean this as no insult, just as a fact. Being who I am, you cannot be surprised that I have learned how to expertly read others.”

*Narcissist.* Light mentally rolls his eyes. “I don’t care.” Light replies flippantly. But he does. “You must not be too good at mind-reading, if you can’t even understand why I am upset."

“No need to get snippy, Light.” L scolds, making the vein in his head pulse yet again. “You are upset because you have lost control. And because despite your best efforts, I have not been swayed into believing your innocence.”

“You had my father try to fucking SHOOT me!” Light suddenly sits up, close to screaming at the infuriating detective. “How could I not be upset?”

“But you were not shot.” L points out, shooting a glare in Light’s direction. “No need to harp on the matter anymore. And look on the bright side, that test proved your innocence to the task force.”

Light just stares back at L, infuriated by his uncaring words. “It didn’t.” He finally mutters, laying back down. “My father hates me.”

L all but scoffs, hiding this with a cough. “Soichiro Yagami does not hate his own son. He loves you, Light.”

“Then why would he even think of shooting me?" Light response miserably. “Obviously, it’s because he had doubt. And no matter what, now he’ll always look at me differently. He’ll never be sure that I’m not capable of murdering, even when we do catch the real Kira.”

“You’re father offered himself for this task, because of how much he believed in your innocence.” L tells him, but Light is not persuaded. 

“Whatever. You don’t know my life, L. You don’t know my responsibilities and you don’t know my father as well as you claim. I’m supposed to succeed and excel, not be suspected of heinous crimes. I wasn’t raised that way. And I know, no matter what he says, that my father is disappointed in me.”

L stays silent, just continuing to study the brunette. “Light-kun's father has high expectations of Light, yes?” He finally asks.

Light scoffs, clearly L is attempting to psycho-analyze him. “Sure.” Is all he offers, sullenly glaring at the the ceiling. 

“Is that why Light misses his mother so?” L muses out-loud. “Because she was less demanding then his father?”

“…She’s the only one who cares about me.” Light finally admits.

“That is hardly the case.” L dismisses. “I have seen the amount of people who admire you. Light does not need to act so coy. What about Misa-san?”

“She doesn’t even know me.” Light scoffs. “She loves me for my looks, my image. Just like everyone else.”

L is silent, so Light continues. “My mom was always proud of me, no matter what. She cared more than just how much I succeeded in school. She…talked to me. Like I was her son, not some prized pet project.”

“So Light-kun values genuine human connection.” L muses out loud.

“Who doesn’t?” Light replies. “I’m sure not many would be satisfied with only receiving love for their accomplishments.”

L hums in response. “It must be lonely at the top.”

Light rolls his eyes, assuming L is patronizing him again. “I don’t know what your talking about.” He responds, not able to come up with any other argument.

“I think I’m beginning to get the picture.” L muses, more to himself.

“Huh?” Light asks, confused about L’s most recent utterance. 

“Oh, nothing.” L dismissed. Light was sure that even in the darkness of the room, he could make out a very evil sparkle in the other man’s eyes. “Light-kun should speak to his mother tomorrow, if he misses her so. I insist.”

Light shook his head passionately, that same irrational anxiety filling him up again. “No, I’ll manage.” He insisted. “I am an adult, after all.”

“You really don’t act like it.” L muttered, mainly to himself. But Light still caught his secretive comment and clenched his teeth. 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Light snapped angrily. L gave a small huff of amusement. 

“Light-kun’s pettiness is quite child-like.” L explained. “Also, Kira is a childish criminal. The response he gave to my first challenge was very-“

“Oh my God, will you shut up about that!” Light shouted, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “I am NOT-“

Before he could finish that redundant sentence, he suddenly felt all the air leave his lungs. Before he could fully register what had happened, he had been pushed onto his back. L was now hovering over him, with his hands tightly gripping Light’s wrists. Light, panicking, started trying to squirm out of the insomniac’s hold. But, to no avail. He could barely even move with L’s grip being so strong.

He gulped noisily and attempted to shrink back into the bed. He had never imagined L to be so strong, so terrifying. Light had never seen this side of L. And he hated it.

“You will not interrupt me while I am speaking, understood?” He growled lowly, making the goosebumps on Light’s skin appear rapidly. Blinking away tears, Light nodded fearfully. 

“C-can you get off?” Light whispered. He was angry with how fearful he sounded, but he couldn’t help it. L made no move to release him and Light wondered if the man was actually going to hurt him. At this point, he wouldn’t put it past L.

“Ask nicely.” L ordered, somehow making his tight grip around Light’s wrist grow even tighter.

*Is he serious?* Light thought to himself angrily. “If you kill me, my father will see to it that you’re brought to justice.” Maybe not the smartest thing to have said, but Light felt it was necessary.

L was such a hypocrite, pretending he was on justice’s side. If L truly cared about all things good and morale, Light doubted he would currently have an eighteen year old pinned down on his bed. 

L just smiled down at him, but his grip did not lessen. “You’re cute, for a murderer.” He commented idly, making Light’s heart race somehow even faster.

“H-huh?” Light uttered, hoping he had heard L wrong. But L didn’t say it again. 

“I would never kill Light-kun.” Was what L chose to tell him instead.

“And why would I trust that.” Light scowled, trying his hardest to rebuild his confident mask.

“Because you don’t have a choice. You’re the one chained, Light.”

“So are you!” Light pointed out furiously. L cocked his head.

“But only because I allowed myself too.” L replied simply. “I am in control, not the other way around. Surely, you can see the difference of power between us.”

And as much as it pained Light to admit, L was right. Light was the prisoner, and L was his captor. Except, this was a legal confinement. Just as the first one had been. L was the world’s greatest detective, in charge of the entire Kira task force. And Light was just a college student. It didn’t matter how smart or perfect he was, for that would not help him in any way in this scenario. The point was, if L said he was Kira Light was as good as Kira. The only reason he hadn’t been sentenced to death was because there was no physical evidence, no one knew how Kira killed. 

*L could have me hung.* Light fearfully realized. He had underestimated L. He had been fooled by his calm and rational demeanor, as the rest of the task force had been. But, behind closed doors, L was a different person almost. He could send an icy look that would have atheists running to the sanctuary of church. He was threatening, strong, and powerful. His threats weren’t just threats, they were promises. And if his mere grip was so strong to the point were Light was loosing the feeling in his hands, he hated to think about what would happen if L ever attacked him. 

Light was going to have to take a different approach with L. Because L had stated several times that he hated to loose, and would send Kira to his death. If there was some way that L could prove Light was Kira, even if the evidence was fabricated….

Light would be a goner. 

No, Light would have to change his approach. As much as he hated having to do it, he would have to make himself seem innocent and docile. He would have to make himself seem to be everything Kira wasn’t. He would have to make it so that L thought it was impossible he was Kira. And, somehow in the process, he would have to find the real Kira. Only then would L be assured of his innocence and set him free.

*It's all a game.* Light realized, feeling bile rise in his throat. Except, L was playing the game to ensure that he would have another success story. Light was playing for his life. 

*…..Yes, I do.” Light suddenly replied, realizing he hadn’t answered L’s question and was still being held down. “I’m sorry, today has just been stressful. If you’ll please let me go, I promise I’ll go to sleep without another word.”

Without hesitation, L let go of Light’s wrists and sat up, though he was still seated uncomfortably close to Light’s side. Light tried to ignore him and rolled over onto his other side. 

He could still feel L’s suspicious glare burning into his back, but he ignored it. This wouldn’t be hard, it didn’t have to be. Light knew he was innocent and that he had nothing to worry about. He has also solved many cases in the past, at a much younger age. He was sure that if he applied himself, which he would because his livelihood was on the line, he would find Kira in no time.

He tried to think optimistic thoughts instead of thoughts of death as he drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and review, and know that I do not own death note and I am not making any money from this fic, obviously.


	2. Fist Fights and Seduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW okay hey. This chapter...is a lot to take in, considering it's only the second installment. This beast took me about a week to write, and I hope it reflects that. I don't even know the word count hehe. But the title pretty much speaks for itself, so I'll try not to ramble in the notes. Just a few comments I wanted to make was that this may seem very fast paced, but I hope it doesn't come across that way. L and Light have a...very complicated relationship, to say the least. And I tried to give some hints into what motivates them into such actions. Light's especially, for I am aware of how OC he must seem at this present moment. Give it a few chapters and the evil lovable bastard will start to return. Also, smut warning. And this was my first time truly attempting to write good smut. I don't know if I succeeded..? For I find these things incredibly awkward to write about. In the future, smut scene will probably more metaphorical than graphic, for the sake of the story. Okay, that's enough for me. I hope you all enjoy this chapter:)

Light could barely keep himself from falling asleep on his desk. He hadn’t been able to fall into the sweet embrace of slumber last night. Rather, every time he would drift off, he would wake up a few hours later riddled with nightmares. L’s typing had kept him awake as well, in addition to his anxiety. Light hoped that he would be so tired tonight, that the horrid thoughts would be chased away by fatigue and his mind would be blank.

And he couldn’t catch Kira if he was tired, his brain would never reach maximum capacity. He had to have his wits about him to ensure Kira’s capture. And he wanted to be lucid around L. He didn’t trust the man to not attempt to receive a coerced confession from Light in his sleepless state. People tended to say anything when they were tired, true or not. This is how many false confessions were received, through hours of grueling interrogation. It was a very effective technique, one that worked well on actual criminals as well as innocents who simply got to the point of saying anything to stop the questions. 

And since Light was studying law, he knew that a false confession often sealed your fate. If he was to say anything slightly suspicious, it would be over for him. He would have to increase his act of perfection tenfold, especially whilst in the presence of L. L was a very cunning detective, and it would be even harder to deter his unwavering determination to catch Light. 

Sipping on his back coffee in an attempt to wake himself up, Light scrolled through countless Kira articles. He knew that there were many conspiracies out there about who the real Kira is. But he doubted ‘Buzzfeed’ would actually have any idea as to who Kira was. All of the tabloids didn’t care who Kira was, not really. All they cared about was the attention and money Kira’s name brought them. It was like the media liked Kira solely for his infamy. They didn’t care about his crimes, or how dangerous he was. No, they cared that he was the current hot topic. Light shook his head slightly, disgusted by how stations like Sakura TV were completely taking advantage of the situation.

And the internet wasn’t much better. There were also countless social media accounts that claimed to be ‘Kira’. He knew these were hoaxes as well. Of course a criminal as cunning as Kira would not have a public twitter account with the username ‘@Kirarulezz69’. And besides social media, there were countless articles full of ‘proof’ as to who Kira was. Kira had almost become like a mythical creature, with people going so far as to invent lore for him. But Light knew that none of these articles would help him out either. They were either written by conspiracy theorists who believed the earth was flat, or edgy kids who had too much time on their hands. 

Light sighed, if only they knew how Kira killed. And how he could kill while apparently not even being at the crime scene. Though it seemed impossible, that was exactly what Kira was doing. One clue, that was all Light needed. He wished somehow that DNA evidence had been left at the crime scenes, but that wasn’t possible if Kira hadn’t even been there!

And the only people he was killing were criminals. The only connection they had were crime, so it’s very unlikely that Kira knew any of the victims intimately. He had a vendetta against criminals and his mission was to kill them all, that was obvious. Well, that was the first Kira anyway. The second Kira had killed innocents, but Light wasn’t too worried about him (her?). Because once they found the first Kira, then they would surely find the second. And if that second happened to be Misa, Light could care less. As long as he was cleared as innocent, it didn’t matter.

Misa most likely was the second Kira. Or, at least, she was connected to them somehow. How else could her DNA be on those tapes?

*Ah, speak of the devil.* Light grimaced as he heard his name being squealed from behind him. Before he could even fully turn around, Misa had jumped into his lap and hugged him tightly. Light tried not to squirm. Oh, how he hated PDA.

“Hi, baby!” Misa cooed. “I missed you so much!”

“Hi, Misa.” Light mumbled back, attempting to hug her. It came out as a half-hearted pat on the back. He didn’t understand how she could be this clingy, they had just seen each other last night!

“Whatcha doin?” She chirped in a sing-song voice, and Light tried hard not to scowl. The high-pitched tone she was using was not helping his migraine at all. 

“Working.” He sighed, but then realized her sudden appearance could maybe answer a few of his questions. “Misa, do you have any idea of who Kira would be?”

“…I don’t.” She answered, predictably. No matter, Light would just have to press harder.

“Okay, well do you have any idea why your DNA was on the second Kira’s tapes?”

She pulled away and folded her arms. “Liiiight!” She whined, glaring at him. “Do you think Misa-Misa is really the second Kira? That is so unfair!”

Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes and tried to give her a genuine smile. “No!” He assured passionately. “I KNOW you could never be Kira, Misa. But the fact is that your DNA was on the evidence. How do you think that happened?”

Misa looked thoughtful for a few moments, before her face brightened. Light smiled, guessing the conclusion she had come to. It would be a lot less suspicious if Misa told L her theory, rather than him. “Maybe…I was framed!” She clapped her hands. “Yeah, that’s it! Hear that, Ryuzaki? It was probably one of my crazy stalkers, or that bitch Mari because she knew I was going out with Light.”

Light turned in his chair expectantly to look at L. Even though Misa’s theories on who exactly framed them were shaky, it was at least a start. But L did not look impressed and gave the two of them a dead-eyed stare.

“That is highly unlikely.” L informed the pair. “And it doesn’t make any sense. Who would go through all of that trouble to frame Misa-san and Light-kun? Furthermore, if Kira was to start framing people for his crimes, why you two? Surely a better candidate, such as a criminal, would be Kira’s first choice. Why would he choose an idol and a college student?”

“Because he’s jealous of our love!” Misa shot back, earning a scowl from Light. No, that was definitely not the reason they were being framed.

“Well, maybe I have an enemy I don’t know about.” Light pointed out. “Maybe, Kira knew I would be an easy target because of my father’s job. And since Kira is smart, he obviously chose me for that reason. To make me look like I was capable of that crime.”

“And who would be Light-kun’s enemy in this scenario?” L droned disinterestedly. Light frowned.

“Well, I haven’t gotten that far.” Light admitted. “I mean, I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t like me. But all I’m saying is-“

“Do not bother me with theories unless you have concrete evidence to back them up.” L interrupted, turning his stare back onto the computer screen. “Focus on finding a pattern, or a clue. Not on how to shift the blame from yourself.”

Light didn’t have anything to say to that, so he just stared at L. So L wasn’t even going to consider that he had been framed?

“You’re really rude, Ryuzaki!” Misa pouted. And Light, for once, agreed with her. “We’re not either of the Kiras, so obviously that means we were framed!”

L hardly spared her a glance and started dropping sugar cubes into his own coffee. “Well, until you can find a suspect for who has framed you, I will not spend my time entertaining foolish thoughts.”

Light glared at the detective past Misa’s shoulder. “Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to admit you’re wrong!” He snapped. This did make L turn his icy glare onto Light, who in his tiredness, forgot that he was quite intimidated by L.

“I’m never wrong.” L told him, bluntly. “I have been correct in my theories on all of my many cases. Do you have any idea how many cases I have solved, Light-kun? Hundreds of thousands.”

“It’s impossible to never be wrong, L.” Light scowled, L’s narcissism was annoying him. “Really, if I was Kira…why would I have consented to confinement? Why wouldn’t I have killed you yet?”

“I have a theory about that.” L responded, crushing one of his sugar cubes in between his fingers. “I think before your confinement, you were Kira. However, somehow this power and all memories of Kira have been passed on to another. That is why you are so hastily proclaiming your innocence right now. Because, in your mind, you never really were Kira.”

Light’s blood was boiling after the end of L’s speech. This theory didn’t even make any sense! And Light told him exactly that. “That’s ridiculous! Powers? L, do you even hear yourself? Kira doesn’t have powers, and how could I forget-“

“You sound so sure of yourself, Light-kun.” L all but sneered. “How would you know if Kira has powers?”

“B-because it’s ludicrous!” Light stuttered, rattled at L’s insistence. “Humans cannot possibly posses some…what? Supernatural power?”

“Then how do you propose Kira kills his victims without being present?” L countered challengingly, he had now swung his chair around so he was directly facing Light.

“Well…I don’t know.” Light admitted. “Maybe he uses some kind of discreet poison on his victims?” Light cringed at how unsure he sounded, but he couldn’t help it. While he was the brightest student in Japan, he didn’t possibly know how this mysterious killer took out his victims.

“Impossible.” L continued to glare at him, his usual mask of indifference abandoned. “There was never any form of poison found in the victims autopsies. They all died of sudden heart attacks.”

“Maybe it’s just a coincidence.” Misa suddenly spoke up, removing herself from Light’s lap and standing in-between the two genii. “Maybe someone saw that a bunch of criminals were dying and, like, took advantage of it and claimed to be a killer!” 

Both men ignored the blonde. 

“Fine!” Light spit out. “Okay, let’s say Kira really does have ‘powers’.” He sneered the last word out, still not convinced in the slightest. Light relied on logic, not fantastical conspiracies. He would’ve thought L would do the same. “If someone has that power, how could they possibly be in control of it? How would they manage to ‘pass it off’? And more importantly, how could someone forget that they’ve killed thousands?”

“That is neither here nor there.” L scoffed. “We can hope to question Kira on his powers once he is caught. My theory still stands, Light-kun and Misa-san were once the first and second Kira. There is no possible way I could be mistaken about that.”

“And how is that gonna hold up in court? ‘Uh, yeah, I know that these two individuals were Kira. Even though I have no proof of any kind, only my awesome instinct.’” Light sneered, standing up angrily and stalking towards L’s chair. “As any sane person knows, there is no way that would lead to a conviction. Even if you are L.”

L did not look rattled by Light coming and towering over him. If anything, he only glared at Light harder. Though his voice did not betray the emotions his eyes held. “I will get my proof, once you regain your memories and I catch you while you are killing.”

“God! You are the most insufferable individual I have ever had the displeasure of meeting!” Light nearly screamed, reaching his boiling point. “I would never become a killer! And if you think-“

“Light.” His fathers stern voice interrupted him and he placed a hand firmly on Light’s shoulder. This made Light flinch, and he cursed himself. He hoped his father hadn’t noticed. “You must calm down son. I understand how stressed you must feel, but the truth will reveal itself in due time.”

“That’s right.” Aizawa called, and Light was reminded that all of the other task force members had just witnessed his meltdown! “What we need to do right now is catch Kira, then all of our questions will be answered.”

Light swallowed back his indignation, and turned to give his father a tight smile. “You’re right father, forgive me.” Light slightly bowed, obediently lowering his eyes. 

His father nodded his approval and turned to go back to his computer. And as Light attempted to resume his own work, L’s taunting voice once again sounded in his ears. “Do not worry, Light-kun. I’m sure there will be a day where you are not suspected of being a mass murderer. Maybe then you will have even trained yourself not to flinch near your father.”

Light angrily spun around, his anger had returned with a vengeance. How DARE L mock him? Light recognized the smirk that was present on L’s face. Though small and hardly discernible, it read loud and clear to Light. L was happy, he was pleased with how much Light was suffering.

And that was all L’s fault, not his! L was the entire reason he had flinched, him and this stupid case. Light had never been frightened of his father before. The thought was appalling, and only fueled Light’s hatred.

Without thinking, he once again stalked up to L. This time with intention. “You are such a bastard.” He murmured, before swinging out his fist and hitting L with all of his might. As he felt his fist connect with L’s face, he felt a sick pleasure washing over him. He could almost feel the pain, the agony he must have inflicted…

Oh, wait. No, he was actually feeling pain. With lightning-fast reflexes, L had kicked Light right in his cheekbone. Light was really regretting his split-second decision of violence now, he hadn’t expected L to kick right back at him like a donkey. But he should’ve known to not try and test L, for he had already recognized the power the other man held just yesterday night. 

Light felt himself loose his balance, and he felt his legs leave the floor. Crashing down onto the floor, he soon felt the throbbing pain he was feeling in his face double on his poor back. The wind must have been knocked out of him, for he felt as if he couldn’t even breathe. The world around him seemed to silence, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. He felt as if he couldn’t even move!

But soon, L had pounced on top of him. He was now holding down Light’s wrists, similar to how he had been last night. That previous fear came back with a vengeance and smacked Light right in the heart. L’s dark eyes felt like they were burning two holes into his head. He had never seen another human look so scary, so evil. *He’s gonna kill me.* Light’s mind suddenly went blank with fear, that thought being the only one running through his usual rational brain. He had known that L was dangerous, and not to provoke him. But he had done it anyway! 

And as he saw L’s face inch towards him, he saw his eyes glittering with evil glee. *L WANTED me to attack him.* Light paled, it all made sense. L couldn’t attack Light without reason, and he had just given him the green light to do so. L could hurt him however he wanted now, and claim it was self defense. 

Adrenaline coursed through Light’s body, and he fought as hard as he could. Squirming against L’s grasp with all his might, he had began to jerk against the detective in an attempt to further throw him off. He felt his heart beat in his throat, and tasted blood. L just slammed him against the floor once again, loosening his grasp on Light’s wrists. Whether this was intentional or not, Light didn’t care. He reached up to once again punch L in the face, but L easily dodged his blow. He returned the favor by punching Light so hard that the brunette thought for a second that his very brain had been knocked out with sheer force. He knew a nasty bruise would be forming against his cheek, and he continued to struggle valiantly under L. 

*Get off of me!* Light screamed inside of his mind, but his lips wouldn’t work. All he could do was continue to thrash and struggle. L just simply held down his wrists with bruising force, and then kneed him in the stomach. Light gasped out in pain, desperate to retain the air that had just been roughly knocked out from his body. Putting his full weight onto Light, the brunette realized that his thrashing movements were now inhibited even more. He wondered if this was how flies felt when they would become trapped in a nasty web. And they would be forced to sit and wait, as a predatory spider slowly inched forward to bring them to their doom. Light felt as if he were trapped inside of that web now. He unwillingly went limp, but his head was still reeling. Besides the harsh ringing that filled his ears, he could vaguely hear Misa screaming. 

Then suddenly, L released Light’s wrists and stood up. Light looked over L’s shoulder and saw the reason why, Watari. Even though he continued to lay on the floor, he could now hear the voices around him. 

“-did you think you were doing?” Watari was scolding L. “You mustn’t fight with him, Ryuzaki!” L simply climbed back up onto his computer chair and went back to typing. He looked completely unaffected by the rebuke.

“Light-kun attacked first, I was simply defending myself.” L stated dryly. Light was still extremely rattled, for otherwise he would’ve thrown a few choice words the detectives way.

“Light, get off the floor.” His father scolded. Light saw his father reach down to grab him in his peripheral. Not wanting his father to harm him, he quickly bolted up and tried not to simply fall back down. Taking a few unsteady steps away from his father, Light shakily smiled.

“Erm…sorry.” Was all he could think to say. His father fixed him with a stern glare. 

“Light what has gotten into you?” His father admonished. “You’ve never attacked anyone before, ever! This is completely unacceptable, what do you have to say for yourself?”

Light’s ears burned with indignation at his father’s words, for he had been in the right! Well, maybe attacking L was too far. Light had certainly never let an emotion as primal as violence overtake him before. But after all the detective had put him through…

Light so badly wanted to speak his mind, but knew that it would not be wise. The task force members, including his father, were all fixing him with shocked and somewhat judgmental stares. Light felt shame overtake him, and hung his head slightly. His father was disappointed in him! Yet again. And he had made a fool of himself in front of highly respected police officers, men who were supposed to be his coworkers. 

*I must look so much like a rebellious, hot-headed teenager right now.* Light shamefully thought, feeling dread settle in the pit of his stomach. 

“I’m sorry father, truly.” Light answered meekly. “I don’t know what came over me…”

His father stepped close to him, making Light unconsciously gulp. He tried to discreetly shrink back as far as the desk would let him. He could see the rage inside of his father’s eyes. “You just attacked my boss!” Soichiro whispered angrily. “Do you really think this is helping lessen the suspicion placed on you? Honestly Light, I thought I taught you violence is never the answer.” He shook his head, and Light felt himself sink even lower.

“I’m..sorry.” He repeated mournfully. He heard his father sigh. 

“You must apologize, this instant!” His father ordered, and Light knew he couldn’t refuse.

His pride tried to stop him, and convince him that there was no good reason he should apologize for his outburst. He was the REAl injured party, after all. But he turned his head to look at L, who he found was staring at him balefully. Light paled, feeling more fear settle into him. Those piercing eyes told him one thing, ‘you’re going to regret that.’

And Light most definitely did. 

“I’m…really sorry, Ryuzaki.” Light offered awkwardly, diverting his gaze away from L’s. “Please forgive me, it won’t happen again.”

L hummed. “I should hope not.” He told Light, self-satisfaction hidden under his stern words. But Light knew he could not call him out on this, he was the bad guy. “If you cannot reign in your temper, you will have to be placed back into solitary confinement. For everyone’s safety.”

Panic constricted his throat, and Light struggled to breathe. Blinking away wetness that had found it’s way into his eyes, he quickly sat down and tried to make himself as small as possible. He absolutely could NOT go back into solitary confinement! That had been pure hell, sitting in that cold room all alone. Light thought he would surely go mad if he was forced to be kept there any longer. He hated being locked up, he hated staring at blank walls while his boredom threatened to eat him alive.

And what if the next time he came out of confinement, he actually would be brought to his execution?

Wringing his hands anxiously, he spoke to L in a mere whisper. “No, I promise I’ll behave.”

“Very well, I hope you are telling the truth.” L all but spat. While the others may not have been able to detect the malice in L’s tone, Light heard it loud and clear.

“Oh Light sweetie, are you okay?” Misa fretted, mussing Light’s hair and kissing his bruised cheek. Light tried not to scowl too prominently, lest he get yelled at again for his bad manners.

“It’s fine, Misa.” Light muttered, continuing to keep his head down. 

“Oh Lighty you could have a black eye!” She wailed, clutching onto him. Then she whirled around opposite to him and placed her hands on her hips. “Ryuzaki, you meanie! How could you hurt him-“

“Misa, stop.” Light snapped, tugging on her arm. He didn’t want to give L any more of a reason to attack him again. “Can you just…get me some coffee?”

“Aw baby, of course I can!” She smiled down at him, placing another kiss on his cheek. “Would you like anything else? Maybe some soup, or flowers-“

“Coffee will be okay, thanks.” Light interrupted her again, trying not to sound to annoyed. The last thing he needed right now was Misa doting on him! He needed to start on his extensive research into who Kira could be. He didn’t think he could take being chained to L for much longer. 

-

It was nearing midnight, and Light was hardly able to keep his eyes open. Ever since the fight that had taken place earlier, Light had stayed seated in his chair. Besides occasionally needing to use the restroom, he had been staring at the screen for almost fifteen hours. 

And still, he had found NO leads. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Kira almost didn’t seem to be real. Like, maybe this serial killer was nothing more than a fearful entity. Light just didn’t get it. There was no possible way that a serial killer could leave ZERO clues. Kira had to have slipped up sometime, there had to be something Light was missing. He knew all he needed was one hint, one fateful mistake. But Kira didn’t make mistakes. He knew what he was doing, and he did it so well. Too well. 

But still, Kira had to have some weakness. He had to have made at least one mistake, for he was human. And no matter what L thought, humans could and would make mistakes. Kira wasn’t some all-powerful being, he was a criminal. That’s all there was to it. And even the most cunning criminals would slip up. Usually all the power would go to their head, and they would get sloppy. Or they would commit one too many murders and the police would find a pattern.

Maybe this was another Jack the ripper. Or the golden state killer. Maybe Kira would never be caught. These thoughts plagued Light. Because if the real Kira wasn’t found, he would surely be made into a scapegoat. L would get bored, and find some falsified evidence that tied Light to the murderer. And Light wouldn’t allow himself to even entertain the idea that he would be executed for crimes he had not committed. The concept was too horrifying to even grasp. His family’s name would be forever tarnished, as well as the perfection he had worked so hard to achieve. He would be known as Light Yagami, mass murderer. Not Light Yagami, the brightest student in Japan. 

“What if Kira is a group of people?” Light mumbled tiredly, to no one in particular. But L assumed he was talking to him and answered. 

“It’s possible.” He mused. “But if that was the case, I’m sure he would’ve slipped up by now. It’s much more difficult to keep a group of criminals in check. If Kira was an organization, one of the members surely would’ve accidentally revealed themselves. The second Kira was risky enough, I assume Kira would want very few, if any at all to know of his true identity.”

“Well this is almost pointless!” Light complained, burying his face into his crossed arms. “What if Kira is never caught?”

“Oh, he will be caught.” L told him confidently. 

“Do you have any new leads?” Light wondered. Although he was sure that L didn’t, or he would’ve told the whole task force. Light knew what L meant.

“No.” L sighed. “This Kira is even more cautious than the first. And no one out of the ordinary had been killed, just more criminals.”

Light sighed. “We need to do something to draw Kira out.”

“We’ve tried that.” L pointed out. “Without having any inkling of who this new Kira is, I have no idea what move to make next. I don’t know what would trigger them…”

Light tried not to let his frown be to prominent. “You can just say ‘Kira’, no need to add new…we all know what you mean L.”

Suddenly, he heard his father’s voice behind him yet again. “Light? What are you doing?” Trying not to jump, Light spun around in his chair and smiled pleasantly. 

“Just working.” He told his father. “I’m trying to see if there are any patterns, or new evidence.”

“Well, that’s wonderful.” His father grumbled, and Light slightly frowned. Why did his father sound annoyed? It surely couldn’t still be over his fight? “I’ve just received an email from your college.” 

Light paled, oh that. In all of the commotion he had faced over that last two months, college was hardly the most pressing matter he had been faced with as of late. 

“Please don’t tell me they’re expelling me.” Light laughed nervously, to hide his dread. He had worked much too hard for it all to come tumbling down on him like this. Light was a star pupil, he wasn’t meant to be threatened with expulsion. Sure, he had missed some school. But, given the circumstances, wasn’t that understandable?

*Two months is hardly just ‘missing some school.’* His mind rebuked him. “And of course your college wouldn’t be informed of the reason for your absence! This is a highly confidential investigation, after all.* He bitterly realized that he surely must look like a slacker! A rebellious, disresectful teenager who had no care in the world whatsoever. 

“There are threats.” His father sighed. “You have loads of missed work, Light. How are you ever going to manage to make that up?”

“I…I’ll manage.” Light dismissed, trying not to let the fear show on his face. He always did, after all. Light Yagami exceeding expectations time and time again, why should this time be any different?

All he needed was an excuse, a reason for his absence. And he told his father exactly that. “Just..tell them I was sick.”

“But that’s hardly the point i’m trying to make, Light.” His father massaged his temples. “How do you ever expect to catch up on all of your missed schoolwork? This is college, remember? It’s much harder than high school.”

Light bristled, he hated being underestimated. “I went to one of the most prestigious academies!”

“Did you?” L murmured, condescendingly. Light ignored him.

“I’ll be able to make it all up.” He continued. He was used to studying for excruciating hours, after all. He would search for Kira by day and study textbooks at night. “Have they forwarded any assignments? I could work on them now.”

His father still looked dubious, but slowly nodded his head. “I will work it out with them.” He muttered, turning away. “Since they were not able to get into contact with you directly, they have been flooding my email non-stop. I’ll try and ask them to move your schoolwork to online courses.”

Light wanted to snap that it wasn’t his fault he hadn’t been able to communicate with his professors, but held his tongue. After today’s altercation, he had realized his temper was not going to be of any help in clearing his name. Bowing his head, he continued playing the role of perfect Light Yagami. “Thank you, father.”

“Will Light-kun manage to investigate efficiently while also writing essays?” L questioned him, and again Light had to stop himself from groaning. Not L too! L had no right to doubt him, for it should be obvious to anyone that Light could accomplish anything he set his mind to. It wasn’t like he was purposefully distracting himself from the case, his schoolwork was of the utmost importance as well. So long as L didn’t convict him of a crime he didn’t commit, Light would be expected to return to school and graduate with honors. He would not allow Kira to take any more from him than he already had.

“Yes, Ryuzaki.” Light sighed, trying not to sound too perturbed. “I mean, you’re still solving other cases in your spare time.”

“But I hardly sleep, which is how I have time for such luxuries.” L pointed out. Light blinked and resisted the urge to massage his temples.

“Then I will rearrange my sleeping schedule as well.” Light told him. “It’s not like I’m getting much sleep, anyways.”

“And why is that?” L interrogated, scooting his chair slightly closer to Light’s. Light hated the way his black eyes seemed to be staring into his very soul, so he looked away. “Guilt, perhaps?”

“No, because i’m stressed.” Light gritted his teeth. Sleeplessness wasn’t a sign of his guilt! And anyway, hadn’t L said that a criminal like Kira surely wouldn’t feel any guilt? “I’m in an unfamiliar place, and plus your working keeps me up.” Light almost pettishly let the last part slip. He couldn’t help it. L deserved to take some responsibility for his part that he had played in the whole mess. 

“Well now my working cannot keep you up, because you will be working as well.” L stated and Light inwardly groaned. His sleep schedule was already in disarray from his time in confinement. Surprisingly enough, a cold cell wasn’t the most comforting place to rest. He missed his solid eight hours of sleep. 

“I guess.” Light mumbled, before turning back to his own computer. He continued to study the criminals, hoping to find an outlier. But they were all the same, men and women who had committed atrocious crimes. One could argue that Kira had a connection with some of the victims, but who? If Light were to look through all of the criminals who might’ve made an enemy of someone in their past, that would take years! And he didn’t have years. It was almost like he could hear the clock of life ticking away…

Tick, tick, tick.

Light switched tabs and starting looking at pro-Kira websites. Due to his hacking skills, he had found the ip addresses of several Kira supporters. However, supporting Kira didn’t automatically mean someone was guilty. For that reason, you could also argue that that would definitely make Misa the second Kira. Most of these supporters were young kids, high school and college level. And of course, some were in their late twenties and thirties. Light had researched the backgrounds of a few, but he soon realized that all of this was in vain. Would Kira even be narcissistic enough to create a web page supporting himself?

*No, Kira most likely wouldn’t have an online presence at all.* Light purposelessly scrolled through the profiles, lost in his own wonderings. *He wouldn’t want any trace of his identity to be public in any way, just in case. But…maybe he would? Maybe he thinks it better to hide in plain sight?* Who knew what ran through the mind of s serial killer? *If I was Kira-* Light froze as soon as that thought had entered his brain, furiously trying to banish that line of thinking from his conscience. He shouldn’t even be thinking about putting himself anywhere NEAR the same category as Kira. 

However, those thoughts had come to him and demanded to stay inside of his head. Now he couldn’t stop thinking about if he WAS Kira. How would he react? What would he do, how would he kill? Would he get caught?

*What if L is right? What if I am Kira? He is the world’s greatest detective, after all. He constantly reiterates how he’s never wrong…so is he right about me after all?* Light could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and willed himself to calm down. This line of thinking was pointless, and would get him no where! He couldn’t afford to let this anxiety to take a hold of his life. There was no possible way he could be Kira, a crazed murderer. He could never be capable of taking a life!

Light briefly debated asking L what his true percentage was, before mentally slapping that thought away. If he voiced the doubts of his innocence to L, the detective would pounce on Light like a lion would a gazelle. He would take these anxious fears as a genuine confession, and send Light to his death! The last time Light had admitted that he might be subconsciously Kira out of fear, he had been imprisoned for fifty days. *And this is what L wants anyway, right? He wants me to go mad with worry.*

Light shuddered slightly, and attempted to reassure his screaming mind. No, he could not be Kira. He didn’t remember ever killing anyone. He was confident that if Kira did indeed have some supernatural power, that there was no way he would be cursed with this. No, one would have to consciously choose to commit murder. There is no possible way that Kira would be unknowingly killing, his actions were much too calculated. 

Light was interrupted by his musing by a tugging on the chain. Looking over, he saw that it was L’s doing. The detective held the chain in between his pale fingers and stared at Light questionably. That’s when Light realized that someone had probably asked him a question. 

“Yes?” He questioned L, trying not to sound too perturbed. 

“Light-kun’s father has just said good-bye.” L informed him. “You must not have heard him.”

“No, I didn’t.” Light agreed, trying not to let his embarrassment at being caught spacing out show. He turned to his father’s retreating form and wished him a good night, desperately wishing he too could return home.

“Oh, and Light?” His father stopped at the door. “Some of your classes have already been loaded online, and I’ve emailed you your password details.”

Light nodded, and tried not to yawn at the thought of studying. “Thank you, father.” He hesitated, before speaking again. “Tell Mom and Sayu I said hi.”

“You should call them and tell them yourself, Light.” His father encouraged and Light frowned. No, he had already decided that that idea would not work. Not with L listening in. He didn’t need L somehow convincing Sachiko that her son was Kira, Light didn’t think he would be able to face his mother again if she ever found out. 

“Yeah, maybe.” Light forced out, giving his father a small smile. Of course, ‘maybe’ meant ‘NO’. No, nada, never in a thousand years, no way. *I’ll be able to see her soon enough anyways.* Light tried in vain to convince himself that this hopeful future wasn’t far off. As soon as he found Kira, he could return to being the perfect son. His mother would have never suspected Light of being Kira, and she would still love him. It would all be fine, it had to be. 

His father nodded at Light and turned away, and Light tried to not get up and follow him. It would be so tempting, but he would just be dragged back inside anyway. He never thought of freedom as an luxury, he’d never thought that he’d actually miss the mundane tasks of everyday life. But he’d do almost anything to be able to take out the trash and walk to school again. He’d do anything to make this horrible nightmare of his disappear. Light briefly wished that humans were smart enough to invent time travel. 

While lost in his thoughts, he does not notice that L’s gaze has shifted from the computer onto him.

*This child is so stubborn.* L muses to himself. *Does he really not remember being Kira? At all? Or is this all a ploy?* The detective does not want to entertain the idea that Light is innocent, for he knows that he could not have been wrong about this. It is all too coincidental, all the puzzle pieces fit together too well. 

As they say, if it walks like a duck.

And while his logical brain tells him Kira cannot possibly have inhuman qualities such as power, it’s the conclusion he is forced to believe. There is no other way to explain it, how he kills he victims. Not poison, not be mere coincidence. This is an atrocious act of murder. L tries not to let himself dwell on the supernatural concepts of this case, all he needs is for his suspect to confess. And if he really has forgotten, L must remind him somehow.

L is not a psychologist. However, his time spent at Wammy’s and his own instincts allow him to read people like books. He knows the very basic dealings of the human mind. And he knows how to manipulate it to his advantage. *And Light is not the hardest case i’ve had.* He thinks. No, he has dealt with many a troubled successors before. Each of them as shifty and cunning as Light. L can tell that Light is especially nervous ever since he has been let out of confinement. He can almost see the seems of his mind fraying with each passing second. When he first met the brunette, he could instantly see how similar Light was to him. How similar he was to Bey-

L shakes his head, not allowing that name to disrupt his thought process. But while that name is dead to him, L is particularly proud of how that case turned out. In a sick, perverse way. He bares the mental scars everyday, carrying them in the hidden depths of his mind like trophies. One of the many monsters he defeated before Light nearly destroyed him, yes. But the battle taught him so much. Too much. That criminal was the same as Light, in the end. Just a lost child who was deeply sick. All of his cunning could not save him from L, who defeated him maliciously. For all that he had put L through, L had given it back tenfold. It had been no surprise to hear that his ‘backup’ successor had committed suicide, fully driven mad in the end. 

‘I think we’re each other’s fate, my precious Lawli-‘

No, Light. The boy seated next to him now is a shadow of his once confident self. While none of the other task force members may be able to see how far Light has fallen from grace, L surely can. When he first lay his eyes on Light, he knew something was amiss. The boy was just too perfect. And that irked L, for he could see all of the secrets hidden in the depths of his shady amber eyes. He wanted to lay Light out bare. He wanted him to be Kira. For he was the only one who could. With his sickly sweet smiles, his confident words, even the self-assured way in which he walked. 

He knew Light was a worthy opponent. All criminals nowadays were so predictable, so boring. He was excited by Kira’s psyche, for it was just so fascinating. He wanted to keep Kira’s head on his mantle as a trophy when this was all over, just to show how he was the best. How he had gone up against one of the most prolific serial killers in perhaps the history of the world, and won. 

Although the Light chained to him now presented a very different challenge. But he was still fascinating none the less. So L took the bait. He allowed himself to be chained to this boy, to analyze his every thought throughout the day. Because L was for all or nothing. No one could say that L. Lawliet wasn’t efficient. He would work every angle, he would say or do whatever was needed in order to obtain that confession. Even if he found undeniable proof of Light’s guilt, it still wouldn’t be good enough for him. 

No, he wanted to hear those betraying words come straight from the horse’s mouth. He wanted Light, chained, to tell him all of his dirty little secrets. He wanted to watch the brunette’s lips form those three truthful words, ‘I am Kira.’

And Light was so susceptible to his wicked intentions at this very moment. The thought made L giddy. The poor boy nearly jumped out of his skin whenever his father so much as looked at him. And while that test served one purpose for the task members, it had also given L a very important advantage. It had scared Light out of his mind, it had traumatized him to his very core. Coupled with living in isolation like a lowly rat for two months, Light’s mental state was extremely fragile. And so, so easy to be manipulated. 

The once sure Yagami boy was now enfeebled and lost. He had had everything stripped away from him, he had left his old life behind forever. His weeping last night had just further proved to L how weak he had become. For he could not imagine the Light at the To-Oh entrance speech shedding tears ever, and especially not in front of L. He had lost the sharp edge to his eyes, and now they appeared meek. He smiled tighter than he had before. Not to mention how much he would now catch Light drifting off, consumed by his own thoughts. 

And Kira was, at the core, a child. He was misguided and foolish. As if the world could ever exist in his desired state of perfection, L nearly laughed. Kira was not the boogeyman, not a monster hiding under the bed. There was nothing threatening about Light, externally. Kira would be broken, and he would be broken by L. Just as all of his nemesis’s had been, for L never looses. For he is childish in that way too. The only difference is, he is practiced in the art of war. He has years of knowledge, years of cunning over Light. While L might not be the same as the murderer next to him, in some ways he was worse. 

Light’s weakened mind was practically begging to be consumed by L. And if L could break B, he would surely break Light. That was all there was to it. He knew that his already cold exterior had threatened Light. He knew Light was intimidated of him, for he was the man who had put him through hell. Light had even told L he was afraid the man would murder him with the lack of camera’s. He could see it in the unsteady eyes of Light. And this pleased him, it was all part of his plan.

First, corner the victim. He had done that, by revealing himself from the shadows. L was harder to fight in plain sight, and he knew this. While Light at first may have believed this to be a foolish misstep, L knew better. By only showing himself to Light, he had secured his life. For if he were to die, the only reasonable suspect would be Light. Light had come to know this, too. And that was why he was still breathing. For who else would be able to kill the invisible man, except for the one to know of his true identity? And L had never been worried, anyway. His name was the best kept secret since the falling of the world trade center in America. Light could not harm him without a name. That was his mistake, Light only had so much leverage. But L had many dirty tricks, just waiting to be used. 

Then, he had pulled his enemy in. Just as that old saying says, L had kept him close. He had raised the stakes, thereby forcing Light to make a move. And move he did. The second Kira was a surprise for L and a curse for Light. He’d had managed to quell him sooner then he had imagined. Misa Amane was a wild card, she was deadly to Kira’s mission. For she was a foolish girl, enamored with a hot-headed killer. L was not surprised she had left DNA. She hadn’t of known what she was doing, and Light had found her too late. L had attacked from within, pulling Light further down the rabbit hole.

Which had all led to his solitary confinement. This trick was one of the easiest in the book. It was a known fact that criminals went insane when kept isolated from the world, forced to lie alone with their own thoughts. The human mind was not meant to be trapped inside of a box. It was not meant to loose track of time, to slowly wonder when it would all end. Light had been rattled, and this must have led to his temporary amnesia. The mental agony must have been too much for this young boy to handle, so he had buried it deep within the confines of his mind. And then, in an attempt to escape, he had given away his powers to another. And while Light’s hazy mind might have thought this success, it was just another nail in his coffin. 

And taking his already fragile mind into his next trap had sealed his fate. It was the perfect cover, it was easily taken in by the feeble minds of the task force. If Light doesn’t kill his father to save himself, he couldn’t possibly be Kira. And while there was that small chance Light would act out as Kira, L had been ninety-nine percent certain that would not happen. He had already known, somewhat, that Light had lost his power. That much was clear by the new criminals that appeared dead while he remained under lock and key. But a near death experience, L knew, could do irreparable damage. 

And here Light was now, more afraid than he probably ever had been. His father, the man he loved and trusted with his whole heart (well, as much as a sociopath could) had made an attempt on his life. And no matter how fake, Light still had that lingering doubt inside of him. That paranoia was slowly eating him alive, and L knew that that was a big reason Light wasn’t sleeping very soundly. Though he pretended not to hear, he had indeed noticed Light’s nightmares. He had observed the frantic breaths, the terrified whimpers, and the brunette hastily jolting awake. He had noticed the fear in his tired brown eyes. And now it was time to put the next step into motion. 

Light was nice and scared for him. And L knew that fear and intimidation was one way to foster respect. After last night, and the fight from this morning, L had noticed a shift in Light. While very subtle, he could see him growing increasingly more obedient. Light would soon grow even more wary of the detective. So much so, his terrified mind would force him into compliance.

But, that wasn’t enough for L. It was all about balance. He couldn’t have Light too afraid of him, or the boy would never open up to him. He would simply grow more distant, hating L from the confines of his mind. And L couldn’t have that, he needed Light to become completely submissive to his every whim. L needed Light to trust him, however much his warped mind would allow. For Light was a practiced liar, but so was L. And Light didn’t have any defenses at the moment and he was oh so vulnerable. 

This tactic was simple as well. L would make himself into a friendly presence. He would offer kind words and a comforting shoulder. He would allow himself to actually become Light’s friend. Or perhaps something more. Yes, that wicked idea had come to L after he had observed Light and Misa’s interactions ever since their confinement. It was quite obvious the brunette held no feelings for the blonde. And while others could argue that this could be asexuality, or simply a symptom of Light’s cold heart, L knew that there was another reason. And, of course, his deductions were always correct. He would have a bit of fun with his suspect in the process, if he was ever so willing. And L had a strong feeling he would be, given a little encouragement.

L was human too, after all. He couldn’t deny that Light was gorgeous. Anyone with eyes could agree with him. Just as B is-was. And L liked pretty boys.

So, yes. This is where the game stood as of now. L was going to be partaking in the classic ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine. When he was not cold and punishing, he would be Light’s only source of comfort. Which the boy desperately needed. L knew how the teenage mind worked. Light would trust L, and hopefully become enamored with him. So much so, he might recover some rather interesting memories. And he would be confused, naturally. And in his confusion, he would ask L for clarification. And L would work him into that confession. He would tell Light that it was okay, that he would keep his secrets. He’d let Light believe that he was his friend, and that he loved him. And Light’s broken mind would be so ready to accept this, he would tell L whatever he wanted to hear. And that is when L would sentence him to death, and move on to his next case. This is how L would win.

Or maybe, perhaps, he would intimidate Light into a confession. He knew from personal experience how intimidation could make a person say anything, in fear of possible punishment. Yes, he would make it impossible for Light to lie to him. He would make Light fear his judgement, and develop the need to please him no matter what it took. Either way you looked at it, L would get his confession. He was going to ravage Light’’s mind, and claim his prize from the ashes. 

It would be Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. *Maybe, Light will even be reduced to Beyond crazed.* L inwardly laughed at his own dark pun. Yes, twisting this teenage mind to work in his favor would be such a fun game. The thrill would be electrifying, and L would taste the satisfaction from his works at the end. 

For this worked, it always had. L had been taught, and continued to teach others the lessons derived from his own misery. 

With all of this in mind, L suddenly stood up. He jerked the chain gently, to bring the brunette back into reality. “Shall we go upstairs?”

Light started at L’s words. Or rather, his request. L had never asked him of anything, he had always demanded. This was a pleasant change. “U-um isn’t it early?” Light stuttered, confused. It wasn’t even one in the morning yet. And L would always stay in that damned chair until Light was practically falling over with sleeplessness. But after his many coffees, Light was wired and awake. 

“We can still do work from the bed. I figured it would be more comforting to you.” L offered. Light was naturally suspicious, assuming this was some trick. *Is L trying to prove I’m Kira if I go to bed early?*

But L’s face held no sign of malicious intent. He even gave off a friendlier air then usual. “Okay, that’s fine.” Light responded, standing up. The pair walked up the stairs, Light suspecting nothing.

Until they reached their door and that dreadful anxiety bubbled up inside of him once again. *What if he’s still angry about the fight? What if he wants to settle the score more so when we’re alone?* Light fretted, his head swimming. Even though nothing had happened to him last night, that didn’t mean it never would. He was alone, in L’s care. What if he was secretly a sadist? Or-or what if he was biding his time, waiting until Light was most vulnerable to attack?

L opened the door and stopped, looking back he saw Light was frozen in place. He resisted the urge to sigh and slowly walked up to Light who backed away fearfully. *Just what have I done now?* L wondered. He had put on his friendliest face for Light tonight, was the brunette already that scared of him?

“Light?” L sighed. He decided dropping pleasantries around the teenager would create a more comfortable air around them. “Aren’t you going to come in?”

Light shook his head and folded his hands together tightly. “You know I’m sorry about the fight, right?” He whispered.

“Yes, I do.” *The fight? Does he think I mean to harm him in private?* L was mystified. Was the boys anxiety so bad that he was still upset about an earlier scuffle? L had beaten him, anyways. There was no need for him to ‘get even.’ Plus, L wasn’t physically violent unprovoked. He preferred mental torment. But, anyways- “Do you think I mean to harm you?” He asked softly. “I would never harm you, unless it was out of self-defense.”

Light continued to stay exactly where he was, backed up against the wall. L’s honeyed words were unfamiliar sounding coming from the stoic detectives mouth. Light frowned, *Why is he being nice to me?* His mind told him that he was in danger, but Light couldn’t figure out why. Was L acting cordial to him so out of the realm of possibility, that this too filled him up with anxiousness? This was ridiculous!

“Why…w-why aren’t there any camera’s in our room?” Light asked the detective meekly. That fact was still a mystery, and Light was determined to figure it out. 

Then L, he did the most peculiar thing. He actually smirked at Light! Light was befuddled. L had never smirked before. This new action made him feel quite uneasy, as well with the wicked shine that had just appeared in his eyes. What was L up to?

“That has nothing to do with you.” He murmured, stepping closer to Light. Light meant to take a step back but he was already cornered against the wall. “Or, maybe it does. Either way, my reasons are not malicious. I simply-“ He raised a finger to his mouth and looked Light up and down. “do not want Watari knowing what I get up to ever second of every day.”

“Why?” Light questioned cluelessly. He had gotten the impression Watari and L were very close, what was he hiding from the old man?

“Hmmm..surely you can understand what I am insinuating.” L chuckled, a low and breathy sound. Light swallowed heavily. 

“No.” He answered honestly. “I-is it because you don’t want him to see you awake during the night?” This conclusion hardly made sense, for surely Watari knew of L’s sleeping habits. Or, lack thereof. But maybe the detective was unreasonable like that.

The detective cocked his head and gave Light the most endearing look. “Ah, tu es si naif. Ce sera amusant.” He told the brunette humorously, and Light frowned. That was said in a foreign language that did not make sense to him. What had L said?

“Huh?” 

“Oh, nothing. You’re just…interesting.” L sighed, stepping away and then extending his hand. “Now, come in. You trust that I will not hurt you, won’t you?”

Light’s mind was racing with doubt, for he did not trust L in the slightest. However, he was friendlier tonight. Maybe he had finally picked up some social clues and decided to make this whole investigation less uncomfortable for everyone involved. But, maybe it was another trick…

Either way, Light glumly realized he did not have much of a choice. He would have to sleep in this room no matter what. he was going to be with L, no matter how long he continued to stand out in this hallway. And he did not want L to get irritated with him….so, he obediently walked into the room. It took great strength not to flinch when the door closed behind him, even though it was expected. 

“See?” L came over from behind him and grinned at Light, predatorily. “I’m not scary, am I?”

*You’re as frightening as a banshee.* Is what the regular, smart-mouthed Light would have responded with. But, this unsure and timid version of himself only gave L a slight nod. 

“Oh, dear. Are you really that wary of me?” L sighed, taking Light’s hand into his grasp. Light resisted the urge to gasp and roughly pull away. 

“N-no…I’m just…confused?” Light hated how unsure he sounded, but he couldn’t help it. L was acting downright strange. 

“Hm, about?” L asked, and Light gaped.

“Well…why are you acting…I don’t know, nice?” He demanded quietly. L laughed, and Light just stared. This was the most emotion he had ever seen from the man.

“Hm, well I realized.” L paused as he came closer to Light yet again. Light felt his hairs stand on edge. “that it was quite unfair of me to keep treating you so horrid. It is nothing against you Light, honest. I was just so sure you were Kira…and, now I don’t know anymore.”

Light stared into L’s eyes, trying to decipher if what he was saying was the truth. His eyes seemed genuine, but Light was hesitant. Did L, who was so persistent in saying that he was always right, just admit that he could’ve been wrong?

"I realized, constantly being called a serial killer would hurt anyone’s feelings.” L continued. “And, despite everything that’s happened, i do still think of you as a friend.”

Light would have scoffed if he wasn’t so dumbfounded. Friends? L really had no clue how the normal world worked, did he? Friends didn’t typically lock other friends up and traumatize them for no good reason. But, he quieted these thoughts. He had learned that becoming confrontational with L often did not end up in his favor. “A friend? But you suspect me of murder…is that really someone you would be friends with?” Light asked instead, trying not to sound annoyed. 

“Oh, Light. I’m friends with many types of people.” L informed him. “You almost remind me of someone, in that way…”

“What way?” Light questioned. L smiled ruefully. 

“He doesn’t matter.” The detective dismissed. Light frowned his brow, who?

“You have such pretty eyes.” L suddenly complimented him, swiftly changing topics. Light felt himself blush and averted his eyes. Where had that come from?

“They remind me of…a rich milk chocolate.” L continued, thoughtfully. “Leave it to me to always compare beautiful things to sweets, eh?”

“Er…thank you, L.” Light mumbled awkwardly. The polite thing to utter back was that L had pretty eyes as well. But, Light didn’t feel that was truthful. L’s large black orbs scared him. And the word pretty…felt odd to him.

L suddenly stepped back and walked over to the bed, and Light followed him unthinkingly. As L sat down and pulled out his laptop, Light sat down slowly next to him. He knew he was staring, and that that was quite rude. But he couldn’t help it. *What had that all been about?* Light, still as naive as ever, questioned. L had just…complimented him? Why? What tactic could this possibly be?

“Light, I must confess.” L started again a few moments later. “I am feeling quite conversational tonight, would you indulge me?”

“About what?” Light asked. He hoped he wasn’t in for another round of Kira questions. Maybe that had been L’s angle, to unsettle him before an interrogation.

“Your relationship with Amane-san.” L said thoughtfully, chewing on his thumb yet again. Light wanted to tell him that that was how many ended up with bucked teeth. “How serious is it?”

Light frowned. Why were they talking about his clearly one-sided relationship like old chums? Was L seriously going to grill him about his part as the doting boyfriend? He nearly groaned, he had gotten enough of that from his father already. “I don’t know.” He answered honestly. “I think that we’re both young and…” And what? It was painfully obvious to everyone except Misa that Light possessed no real feelings for the blonde. Really, it wasn’t that he disliked her. He just didn’t…like her.

And Light knew exactly the reason for that. Of course, he was not going to reveal this to L. 

“Oh, come on Light.” L blinked his now narrowed eyes at Light. “You can tell me. You do not like her, not one bit.”

Light flushed, obviously he didn’t. But L didn’t have to be so…well, blunt about the whole affair. Light stayed silent, turning to stare at his hands. He really didn’t know how to respond to a statement of that kind. 

But L didn’t let up. “It’s rude to lead her on, why not break up with the girl?”

“W-well, because…I didn’t want to hurt her feelings!” Light lamely defended. “And you told me not to leave her, for the investigation. Remember?”

“I did.” L agreed. “But, still. Why date her in the first place?”

“She asked me out.” Light limply shrugged. “I didn’t want to be rude and say no.”

“That’s hardly a defense.” L told him. “Could it be that it was an attempt to hide something?”

“No!” Light snapped, raising his gaze to the detective’s. “If this is another Kira interrogation-“

“Oh, no. Thats not what I’m getting at.” L sighed, realizing he was going to have to be more obvious in his questioning. “It is because you are gay, isn’t it? But, you do not want your family to know of you preferences."

Light paled and gulped noisily. The nerve of L! Light should’ve guessed it though, L was fantastic at sniffing people out. But still, why would he confront Light with this information? Was he going to attempt to blackmail him?

“W-what? What does that have to do with anything?” Light questioned, quite flustered. “And you don’t know anything, anyway. How would you know if I’m gay? Just because I’m not in love with Misa? That’s only one girl!”

“I know because I am the same way.” L informed him, bluntly. Light’s eyes widened in realization before he swiftly lowered his gaze back to the comforter. Oh. That wasn’t expected. “And you haven’t yet denied it.”

Light sighed, his normal defenses were down. He didn’t want to tell L the truth, but he couldn’t lie to him. For wouldn’t lying make his Kira percentage grow higher? And there was no use in lying to L about this, anyway. “I am.” Light mumbled, feeling very embarrassed. Though, he didn’t know why. If L was also gay, surely he would not ridicule him. “Just, please don’t tell anyone.”

L just smiled in that strange way of his. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He told Light. “But, at least now one of my theories involving you has been proven correct. I wonder if there are any others I can…learn about….”

Light felt a strange thrill go up his spine, and he didn’t like it. Not one bit. He tried to hide his embarrassment with indignation, but he could tell that he was failing. “If me being gay somehow proves I’m Kira..” He trailed off, expecting that that was what L was going for.

But L surprised him by shaking his head vehemently. “Enough about Kira, Light.” He suddenly scooted closer, freezing Light in place. “I want to know more about you.”

“W-why?” Light stammered, feeling himself begin to sweat. L was now much to close for comfort.

“Because you fascinate me.” L told him, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Tell me, when did Light realize his homosexual nature?”

Light blushed harder, not at all comfortable where this conversation was going. He hated to talk about personal matters such as these. He preferred to keep these matters inside of the confines of his own mind. “Why does that matter?” He questioned L warily. 

“I would like to know. Tell me, Light. We’re friends, hm?”

“Well, alright.” Light reluctantly spoke. This is okay, it’s fine. Though he didn’t much like the idea of discussing his sexuality with L of all people, it couldn’t hurt. Besides, he was confident L wasn’t analyzing him. For how could his sexual preference align with his Kira percentage? “M-maybe high school? When I was fifteen? I don’t’ really know..” He spoke honestly, thinking back to his youth. “Everyone started dating. And naturally, I was interested in it too. But…not with girls.” He gulped, deciding to study his hands yet again. “I-I knew it was wrong. Well I mean, not that it was wrong. But I knew that it was something to be kept hush-hush.”

“Ohhh.” L murmures comfortingly, placing an arm around the small of Light’s back. Light hardly even notices. “I am so very sorry you grew up in an environment like that.”

Light swallows, nodding his head. Oh, this will never do. He is starting to go back in time, to relive those horrible memories. Those memories that he has worked so hard to hide, to banish from the forefront of his mind. He is starting to relive all of the shame, all of the hurt…

Blinking, he now realizes he has started to cry. Again? He feels embarrassment envelope him further. This will make it the second time he has cried in front of the detective, two days in a row! Light knows that he must look weak, and that is unacceptable. Light has already perfected his mask of phony emotions, there is no longer room to look weak. He curses, and rapidly blinks the wetness away. As long as he can banish theses pesky flashbacks, everything will be okay.

“Sorry.” He chokes out, his voice coated in self-loathing. “It’s…ah, hard to talk about.”

L’s eyes widen, knowing he has struck gold. An insecurity! Well, he most definitely will use this to his advantage.

But not now. He cannot push too far, not yet. All in due time. Now, he will soothe the boy and liven him up with a few choice words. And then, though it is risky, he might even move onto his second step. “That’s okay.” He makes his voice smooth, comforting. “You needn’t speak about anything that causes you distress. But, just know that you can always tell me everything.” Ah, the double meaning. “I am your friend, remember?”

“Y-yeah, thanks Ryuzaki.” Light murmurs, finishing wiping away his unsightly tears. Through his own inner turmoil, he foolishly does not question L’s motives. He is so starved of comfort, he will take anything that is given to him. All he thinks right now, is how nice sitting in bed with L is.

And L knows, he has let his guard down. A most unwise decision when dealing with L.

“Oh, and now I’ve made you upset.” L feigns regret. “I am truly sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Light tells him. “Just…bad memories.”

“Yes, I know about those all too well.” L mutters lowly. But, he mentally shakes himself before he can reflect on his own troubled past. “So if you have been hiding this, does this mean you’ve never dated before?”

Again, Light turns his head away. “No, I have.” He mumbles. “But I’d prefer not to talk about it.” He doesn’t need anymore regret to swallow him whole, not now. His past lovers, if you could dare to call them that, were all horrendous mistakes in Light’s opinion. It was why he had given up on dating, on trying to find his true love. It had gotten so bad that he had become convinced that love was simply not for him. He supposed it was retribution for the filthy desires that filled his mind. He hadn’t of kept his purity, he had done something that was less than perfect. 

He had flirted with temptation and received what he deserved. Nice boys weren’t supposed to associate with evils, is what he told himself. 

“Of course.” L quickly reassures. “I take it that these indiscretions were not pleasurable?”

“You could say that.” Light utters vaguely, picking at his cuticles. L doesn’t need to continue his questioning to guess all of the misfortune that Light is alluding to. 

“It saddens me to hear that.” L expresses mournfully. “You are perfect Light, truly. You only deserve the best.” Light looks up at L with shocked adoration coloring his face, and L knows he has gotten him. 

*Praise, is it? Of course that’s what he likes.* L thinks deviously. In this short conversation, L has discovered just how much Light’s sexuality plagues him. He seems embarrassed of his instincts, which all things considered is hardly shocking. Homosexuality is still quite taboo in Japan. And Light was raised to be perfect, of course he would be ashamed. *He must think of himself as a failure. For someone as perfect as him surely mustn’t be inclined to partake in something society has deemed shameful. Well, Light. I will show you just how good your dirty little secret can feel, I can promise you that.*

The detective once again muses how easy teenagers are to trick. And at the end of the day, Light is still a teenager. No matter how smart, no matter how strong, he is still plagued by all of societies murmuring. He is still filled with hormones, and insecurities. Light craves validation, and L is more than happy to supply. 

He will build Light a pedestal and tear him down from it simultaneously.

L also thinks that this could be another Kira motive. Maybe, he was so tired of the unfairness of the world that he decided to rebuild it in his own perfection. He couldn’t control his feelings, but he thought perhaps he could control others. If Kira was successful in building his perfect world, he will be deemed perfect. Many already have decided him a savior. Then no one will be fit to judge him, because he will be hailed as king. 

Light’s insecurities and upbringing have been made into a sort of God-complex. L almost laughs, this is just too perfect. 

Light is fearful of not succeeding, and Kira was made as a way to become the greatest. Textbook, almost. 

“Thank you.” Light speaks quietly, a pleasant feeling welling up in his stomach. L, in this moment, almost reminds him of his mother. His kind words and understanding is affecting Light more than he’d like to admit. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I have realized that you aren’t Kira.” L utters, and Light’s head shoots up in excitement. “Not that you never were, but now you are completely innocent. And time will tell if my initial deduction was indeed wrong. Which, especially now, I do hope it actually is.”

Light’s excitement dims just a tad, for still originally being Kira is a horrific notion. But he’s also very confused. Why would L want to be wrong? Isn’t his assuredness one of the things that makes him the greatest? L seemed quite prideful when he boasted to Light of how he was never wrong. What has changed?

L seems to notice Light’s confusion, and attempts to enlighten you. “Forgive me for being so bold,” L begins. “But I quite like you, Light. I really like you.”

Light pales. L couldn’t possibly mean…

“How?” Light inquires nervously. L internally frowns, now this is the risky part. Light could so easily reject his advances, and that would make his plan so much harder to carry out. Seduction is like chess to L. He knows that the next moves he makes are critical in his and Light’s relationship. He has to move the pieces into the right direction with the utmost precision.

If Light is confident in his resistance, L will have to cease his actions. For he is not an assaulter, and he cannot have Light grow even more wary of him. He cannot risk Light exposing his actions, for surely the task force would disavow him for such inappropriateness. But coercion, that is different in L’s mind. If he can convince Light to want this before his willful mind has a chance to interfere, L will be in the clear. 

An unsure suspect is better than a resistance one. L can convince anyone of anything, given he does it correctly. And he will convince Light he wants this. 

So L suddenly grasps Light’s chin, and scoots himself so close that he is practically sitting on the teen. Hovering over him in his crouched position, L can see the fear in Light’s eyes. No, this is no good. He cannot be scared. Before anything else can deter him from his plan, he closes the distance in-between them.

Light gasps, but it is muffles by L’s lips. *What is he DOING?* Light wonders, flustered beyond belief. L is holding his jaw firmly between his lithe fingers and his lips are pressed tightly against his. Light knows that he should be outraged, that he should push L away and attempt escape. For this, this is unnatural. And wrong in so many different ways.

But, it feels so nice. His lips do. Light would’ve suspected them to be chapped and dry. But they are soft against his own, creating a rhythm that has Light unconsciously relaxing. He doesn’t remember when he shut his eyes, for his is so consumed by his own thoughts. 

L pulls away, but only slightly. Their noses are touching and the detective’s hot breath hits his moistened lips. Light knows he should move back to create distance, but he feels paralyzed. “That is how much I like you.” L murmurs. Light’s eyes look up to meet L’s lust-filled ones. Light closes his eyes and leans closer to the detective. *He smells nice.* Light hazily registers. *Like, expensive lavender and vanilla cake.*

L takes this action to mean that Light wants more, so he happily obliges. He leans in again to take Light’s mouth against his own, and expertly moves his lips. The sound of chaste kissing fills the air. And L tilts his head in order to get better access to Light’s moth. He bites his lower lip, asking for permission to explore the teen’s mouth. Light gasps in surprise and L uses the opportunity to enter. He licks Light’s tongue and skims the roof of his mouth. Light doesn’t seem to be as inexperienced as L initially thought, for his own tongue collides with his. As they battle for dominance, L wins out in the end. He pins Light’s down and continues his oral exploration. 

As if he is consuming the boy, L lets his teeth gently gnash against the other’s. He quickly decides that sitting up is no good, and roughly pushes Light onto his back. Light makes a small whimpering noise that delight’s the predator in him. He crawls on top of Light hastily, and resumes attacking his lips. 

Any enjoyment that Light may have been feeling before was quickly exiled as soon as he was unceremoniously pinned against the mattress. L continues kissing him passionately, and Light begins to squirm nervously. Fear fills his mind and he tries to think of ways to escape. *L cannot defile me, he just can’t.* Light frets. He cannot believe he has allowed himself to become so enfeebled against the detective. No matter how nice his lips may feel, Light cannot allow this to pass. He cannot deal with the agony that is sure to follow. Which, it always does.

Light had decided that he was not a sexual person, not one bit. His previous sexual attempts had been disastrous. He had been left with overwhelming shame and disgust. Overtime Light had felt as if more and more of his soul had been stolen from his body. He hated how weak he would become, how he would loose his purity. It was filthy and decrepit. 

Light tentatively tries to push the detective’s shoulders away, hoping he will get the hint. But L quickly slams his wrists next to his head on the pillow. Light blood runs cold at the force which was used to effectively trap him to the bed. Light is rendered immobile, and has no choice but to lay back and take what is given to him.

L then pulls back and stares at Light menacingly, making the brunette blanche. There’s that frightening look, the one that reminds Light how much he fears L. “You don’t touch me, understand?” L growls and Light nods his head obediently. Slightly shaking, he hopes L won’t take his anger out on his helpless body.

But just as soon as it appeared it was gone, replaced by a look of affection yet again. Light had to refrain himself from frowning, why was L having so many mood swings as of late? “You are so adorable like this Light, so perfect.” He murmurs softly and Light blushes. 

“L…” He starts, but is quickly cut off by L’s finger being placed upon his lips. 

“Hush darling.” He admonishes gently and Light feels himself squirm even more at the mention of this nickname. “You’ve been so stressed lately, and part of that is my fault. Won’t you let me make it up to you?”

Light stares in L’s eyes searchingly, trying to find any hint of what L is thinking. The only emotion he registers from those lazy half-lidded eyes, however, is desire. It is so strong that Light feels he will be burned from just gazing upon those eyes. He is conflicted, for he does like L kissing him. But he also does not want it to go farther, he doesn’t want anymore of his body to be tainted. And from their current positions, Light thinks this inevitable.

Annoyed with his lack of response, L leans down closer to Light’s ear. “I want to claim you…and claim you I will.” He growls lowly, and he feels Light’s body shudder from underneath him. He smirks, so gentleness is not the way to get through to Light. No, he responses to demands. L is so very pleased with the submissive nature of his suspect, he never would’ve guessed Kira to be a bottom. 

Light is mortified with how so very human his body is acting. He doesn’t want L to see him like this! He doesn’t want L to touch him like that, Light thinks it will be unbelievably embarrassing. 

*He wants you, Light.* His mind tells him. *He’s just like the others. It’s because you’re just so pretty.*

The brunette grimaces, hating these thoughts. But while he hates this situation, he feels that he is indeed trapped. For L is once again looking at him darkly. Light knows that L wants him, and he knows how far L will go to get what he desires. And, what if refusal would increase his Kira percentage. Is that even a possibility? Would Kira not want to have sex with L?

And though he hates to admit it, he is scared of L. Usually when these situations arise, Light lets it happen. Because it’s easier than fighting, and it gives him temporary euphoria. Why does it matter, anyway? If he fights this, L just just hurt him more so. He cannot possibly refuse those baleful eyes. 

So Light goes limp, attempting to cease his squirming. He knows what to do, just lay back and try and relax. And to try and lose his concept of self-awareness as much as possible. L smiles wickedly at the nonresistant teen under him, and leans forward to continue his ministrations. He decides to become bolder, and slips a hand under Light’s shirt.

Light gasps as he feels the cold hand of L’s gently teasing his nipples. The fingers gently rubbed circles around the tender skin, before pinching it harshly. Light bit his lip in order to muffle his gasp of pleasure. Oh. No one had ever done that before.

As L’s fingers continued to play their games on his chest, his sinful mouth trailed from his lips down to his neck. His mouth latched on to the sensitive skin just below his ear, and Light suddenly arched up into him. “Hnnh…L..” He muttered, writhing in pleasure.

That pleasure suddenly turned into a harsh pain as he felt teeth attack his neck. Light whimpered painfully, and shrugged his shoulder in an attempt to get the man to stop biting him. But L just shoved his shoulder down. “No, don’t call me that.” He growled lowly into Light’s neck. Light gulped.

“H-huh?”

“Not L, Ryuzaki.” L informed him, and Light suddenly understood.

“Ryu…zaki.” He murmured, just so L would return to his previous ministrations.

“Hm, that’s better.” The detective moved, returning his tongue to lick at the reddened skin. “See? You can be good for me, Light.”

Light’s breath hitched and he struggled not to moan as L continued his pleasurable sucking. *Or, does he want me to moan?* Light questioned silently. He still didn’t know what the purpose of this bed game was. Was he meant to enjoy, or to simply sit back and let L do as he pleased? Would enjoying it make him more or less Kira?

As his mind was consumed with these thoughts, L noticed that Light was no longer responding and had gone quite stiff. Pausing his kissing, he looked up and saw Light’s eyes staring at blank nothingness. Frowning, L knew he had to rectify the situation. Light was meant to be writhing and begging, not lying disinterestedly

beneath him. 

At once, he snaked the hand that had been previously toying with Light’s nipples down to the waistband of his pants. Slipping beneath the layer of fabric, he finally found his prize. As he gripped Light’s length firmly, he heard a surprised noise escape Light’s mouth. Looking at the brunette from underneath his lashes, L smirked provocatively. Skipping formalities, L began to stroke aggressively. He could feel the organ harden and twitch from between his cold fingers. *That’ll liven him up.*

Light couldn’t help himself as lustful moans escaped his bruised by kisses mouth. Unbridled pleasure clouded his mind and all thoughts of Kira were banished. Without noticing what he’s doing, he starts to slowly thrust up into L’s encouraging hand. A finger teases his slit, before roughly moving back and forth. Light can feel the wetness pool from inside the confines of his boxers. “Mmm L-R-ryuzaki…I-i don’t wanna..hnnh-make a mess.” Light slowly pants out, trying to form a coherent sentence.

L smirks, Light is finally getting into what he is doing. No more of that innocent hesitation, his face is now filled with wanton lust. “Of course, dearest.” He quickly peels are those troublesome garments, and returns to the object of his interest. He studies Light’s cock for a moment, noticing how hard he is only after a few minutes of his touching. He once again grasps the stiff arousal, restarting his actions at a teasingly-slow speed. 

“Ah…Ryuz-zaki…please-“

“Oh? We’re already begging, are we Light?” L speaks teasingly, igniting a fresh blush on Light’s cheeks. L is surprised he still has any blood left at all to go into his face.

Light doesn’t respond to L, enjoying his stroking too much. He tries to thrust up yet again, but L’s firm hand holds down Light’s hip and continues teasing the boy. Light whines lowly and squirms underneath the raven-haired man, hoping to encourage him. But L, like the vulture he is, continues to stare down at Light with dark interest. Light wonders how much longer L will drag this out for, because he desperately wants release. His body is screaming at him for frantic gratification. Does L want him to beg? Light’s teeth gnash at the idea.

“Mmm, stop teasing!” He tries to demand, but it comes out as a breathless request. L’s eyes narrow maliciously.

“Should I?” He questions, enjoying how much he is antagonizing his suspect. “I quite enjoy our current situation. You look so…needy like this, Light. I want to take in this sight, for a little while longer.”

“Ryuzaki!” Light whines impassioned. “I-“

“Tell me what you want!” L suddenly demands, gripping the base of his cock lightly. Light nearly cries out.

“That hurts!” Light mumbles, and L just quietly laughs. Releasing his shaft, he ghosts the full length of Light’s hardness. 

“I could do this all night, darling.” L returns, using another demeaning nickname. Though, Light can’t find the energy to be as indignant as he would like to be. “I want you…to tell me what you want! Otherwise, how can I help you? I am not a mind reader, pet.”

Light flushes at how increasingly belittling the nicknames are becoming, and at how much he realizes that he doesn’t care that he is being demeaned. “You…know.” Light mumbles, not wanting to beg for satisfaction.

L frowns, and decides to raise the stakes. He climbs up to straddle Light again, thrusting his clothed hips with Light’s bare ones. Light moans furiously, and tries to grab onto L to create more delicious friction. But L one again grabs his wrists and immobilizes him. Pinning his arms behind his head, L leans down to Light’s flushed and sweaty face. His movements have once again ceased and his clothed knee gently rests on Light’s erection. “Would you like more?” He questions lowly, making Light furiously nod his head. L sighs, for that is not nearly enough to satisfy him.

“Ask nicely.” He demands. “Go on, pet. I know how smart you are, you must surely know what I am asking of you.”

Light hesitates, trying to move his hips yet again. But L had effectively rendered him helpless, and he sighs. He so does not want to beg, because that is such a clear sign of weakness. And he knows that once these lustful feelings die out, he will feel utter humiliation. Even in this very moment he can scarcely believe that he is allowing L to sully him in this way. Doesn’t he hate the man? Light’s forgotten.

But his blood runs hot in his veins, and every muscle in his tense body screams for pleasure, screams for orgasmic release. Though the proud, rational side of his mind tells Light to retain his pride and not give in, he is finding that that voice is becoming very faint. The animalistic, hormone-riddled side of himself however is almost controlling him. It tells him that he will get his treat, no matter what lengths he must go to.

“L-let me c…cum.” He murmurs lowly, but L cocks his head in mock confusion. 

“I couldn’t hear you, dearest. Speak up for me now.” L commands, bringing a hand that is holding Light’s wrist to caress his face. “That’s it, be a good boy for me.”

Light whines at the praise, feeling his hard on weep even more. The aching in his groin is almost unbearable now. “Let me cum, please Ryuzaki.” He speaks clearly, and he fixes L with a needy stare.

L swallows looking at those wide puppy-dog eyes, and is reminded of his own arousal. He feels his jeans tent and he smirks down at Light. Oh, he will let him cum alright. But now it is time to sweeten the deal. As in chess, L prepares to take out Light’s queen.

“Perhaps.” He hums, enjoying how Light’s eyes widen. “But why should I let you? Won’t you-“ At this, L deliberately moves his leg to rub against Light’s cock. “-give me a convincing argument?”

Light blanches. *What is this, debate team?* His needy mind is quite put out at this request. Is he really meant to give a compelling argument as to why L should let him cum?

“H-how?” Light utters, silently begging the man to tell him just exactly what he wants Light to say. He doesn’t care how desperate he must sound. He wants to get at least some fulfillment from this whole embarrassing ordeal. 

“How what?” L looks quite amused. “You mean, what would I like you to say?” Light nods feverishly, looking up at L through half-lidded eyes. L’s arousal twitches again, Light is much too attractive for his own good. “Well, let’s make a deal then. What do I get out of this?”

And then, Light finally receives clarity. *He’s negotiating with me even in bed?* He thinks, quite put out. Of course he wouldn’t be allowed to simply enjoy this pleasure, he’ll have to do something for L as well. He inwardly sighs, this is just how all of the others had been. “I-i’ll suck yours.” Light slyly offers, giving L his best bedroom eyes. L doesn’t look impressed.

“Tempting.” He murmurs. “But you forget that I am a man, Light. No, I want something more.” Reaching down to take Light’s bottom lip into his teeth, he huskily tells Light of what he desires. “I want to fuck you.”

“Okay!” Light hastily agrees. This is one of Light’s few undesirable qualities. When Light wants something, he will do whatever necessary to receive it. And right now, with his head filled with pure lust, he wants to come. 

*You must look like such a depraved whore right now.* His mind sneers at him. *And that’s all you are. Begging this man to take you? What a disgusting thing you are.* His thoughts mock him, making Light’s spirits dim. He knows this to be true, but he doesn’t want to think about this situation for what it truly is. His purity is long gone, anyway. What does it matter?

L looks quite surprised, but in a pleased way. 

He was not at all expecting Light to succumb to his demand so easily. The headstrong boy he used to know is gone, and L does not recognize the brunette underneath him. *How preciously naive.* L muses. *So, so pliable. He will be so much fun to play with, I always do choose them well.*

“Yes? You’d like for me to take you?” L questions, desire clear in his tone.

“Uh-huh.” Light wheezes, moving his head closer so his and L’s foreheads are touching. Electricity ignites through his nerves.

L wastes no more time with his teasing, hastily moving away from Light. Light whimpers forlornly, and he hears the bedside drawer open. L returns, and Light looks down and spots what made L move away in the first place. He spies a small bottle and a condom securely in the man’s grasp. Light feels like he might blush, if he weren’t so flustered. 

“W-why do you…have all that here?” Light questions breathily, hearing the cap pop open. 

“Oh, I like to be prepared, is all.” L slyly tells him, coating his fingers. He doesn’t tell the boy that he had been planning for this exact opportunity.

He then pushes Light’s legs to his stomach, making the brunette squeak in embarrassment. He is laid bare for L to see, and he feels shame envelope him. Before he can become more self-conscious, however, L takes one of his slick fingers and lightly traces his opening. Light hums in satisfaction, laying his head back. L blows cool air onto him, making his body jolt. He doesn’t think he can take much more.

“R-ryu…pleas-“ Before he can finish his request, that finger has suddenly plunged into him. Groaning in pleasure, Light attempts to push himself down onto the digit. But L quickly slaps his thigh, shooting him a look of disapproval.

“So needy.” He murmurs tauntingly. “Are you enjoying a single finger this much, Light? Is this really all it takes?”

Light’s face goes red with shame, but he cannot stop himself from begging once again. “More, please!”

“Heh.” L’s breathy laugh surprises him. “Be careful what you wish for..”

Before Light can question what that means, a second finger is roughly added. And then a third. Light whines at the feeling of being stretched out, suddenly wishing he could’ve been patient. He is feeling much too full now, as L’s slim digits press deeper into him. He widens his fingers and scrapes against Light’s walls, earning a pained gasp. But he doesn’t slow his pace, rather he goes faster. He can feel Light clenching around him, and slaps his thigh yet again. A small red mark is appearing from his hand’s abuse.

“Relax.” L commands in a sinister voice, making Light tense up even more.

“It…hurts!” Light whimpers, squirming to adjust himself. But L just presses a hand down on him to still him. 

“But Isn’t this what you wanted?” L questions curiously. “For more of me?”

“Y-yeah..” Light breathily trails off, and tries to relax his body.

“Yes, that’s right.” The detective smiles. “You wanted me to fill you. You needed my fingers, didn’t you? Tell me Light…how does it feel?”

“Mmmm..ah-um, f-full?” Light stammers, still trying to adjust to L scissoring him. L continues to stretch him out further, until he goes deeper yet again. He is on the hunt to find what will make Light scream. And scream he does, as soon as the tips of L’s fingers press down on that precious bundle of nerves.

“And how does that feel?” L asks lowly.

He gets a pleasured moan in response, so he hits Light’s prostate again. And again. All of Light’s discomfit is forgotten, as he writhes around pleasurably. L is endeared at Light’s pleased expression. He loves how sensual he looks in this moment, with a slight blush painting his cheeks and his needy smile. 

“Uhh-“ Light now couldn’t stop his moans, even if he wanted to. L’s fingers are hitting the exact right spot, he is finally feeling that pleasure build up inside of himself yet again. He squirms back against L’s hand, and the detective makes now move to stop him this time. As another hot burst of energy runs up his spine, Light nearly cries in ecstasy. He grips the bedsheets tightly, feeling that tell-tale warmness fill his belly. He wonders if he could come from simply being fingered, because that has never happened before. Normally, it takes forever for him to achieve an orgasm. L is quite talented, and that makes it harder for Light to regret this turn of events.

“I’m…ahhh…don’t stop! Gonna-“ Light groans out, throwing his head back into the pillow. But then, much to his displeasure, L pulls his fingers out. Light whines in frustration, upset at being denied release yet again! He feels the loss of L’s fingers, and hates how desolate his body now feels. The lusty side of his brain is screaming at him to become full again, so his hand grasps at nothingness to try and ground himself. 

“You do not come without my permission, understand?” L tells him, blatant displeasure coloring his voice. “Don’t be insolent, now.”

Light opens his watery eyes to stare at L pleadingly. “Okay, I-i won’t.” He agrees obediently. “J-just fuck me, please!”

“Oh, so bossy.” L mutters, ripping the condom wrapper and slowly rolling it over his own hardened length. Light forgets when L took his clothes off.

He then grabs onto Light’s legs, placing them around his waist. Light would feel shame but he is far too gone to care how L treats his body. He wraps his legs around L tightly, and slowly nudges his bottom forwards. L grabs a pillow from next to him and places it under Light’s hips. He can now feel L’s cock nudging next to his opening. He tries to move again, but L’s harsh smack to his bottom startles him. Dropping his gaze, he swallows thickly.

“Who’s in charge here, Light?” L quietly asks.

Light, knowing what answer L craves, answers shamefully. “..You are.”

“Yes, that’s very good.” L encourages, grasping Light’s chin and forcing him to look into his eyes. “I will decide when and how you receive gratification, understand?”

“O-okay.” Light agrees. He unwillingly arches up into L’s chest, and the man smirks down at him.

“Just look at you.” He murmurs teasingly. “So worked up. I never would’ve pictured you to be my perfect little seductress.”

Light whines at L’s lewd words, screwing his eyes tightly shut.

“Hm, Je suis si heureux de pouvoir vous briser.” He marvels quietly, speaking again in a language he knows Light will not understand. And that’s what makes it all the more fun, to taunt this unknowing boy straight to his needy face. 

And before Light can wonder what L said in one of his foreign languages this time, he is cut off by the quick pleasure that has just invaded his body. L has pushed himself in, roughly, making Light groan in a surprised pain. The feeling of being totally invaded without any forwarding almost made Light scream under the severe discomfort he was now feeling. Not a burning pain, because he had done this enough times and L had prepared him properly. But just the feeling of fullness…it was almost too much for the brunette to bear. 

L had buried himself completely inside of his Kira suspect and briefly paused to admire the scene before him. Light’s mouth was hung wide open, and his eyes were tightly screwed shut. L could feel the young man’s body trembling under him as he tried to adjust himself to L’s length. His hands gripped the sheets, painfully hard it seemed. L was worried for a second that Light would rip them, before reminding himself he’d just have them replaced.

He doubted Watari would be pleased, but he knew better than to interfere with L’s cases. 

He couldn’t help his sigh of pleasure at the feeling, though. He wonders if Light is-was a virgin. The reason L ponders over this is because of how tight the boy feels around him. His walls are squeezing L’s cock mercilessly, sucking him in almost. 

He realizes this is probably because Light had tensed up again, his body reacting to the foreign sensation. And L doesn’t want to hurt the boy, not yet anyways. It will never do for him to go limping around the task force tomorrow, at any rate. So he leans down and softly kisses the side of Light’s mouth, in an attempt to put him at ease. 

“Unclench, darling.” He murmurs. “You’ll do that for me, won’t you? I wouldn’t want this to be painful.”

Light’s eyes flutter open and he stares back at the detective adoringly. *L..cares about my comfort?* Light couldn’t help but feel flattered. The men he had been with before treated him no more than an object, something the could jerk in and out of until finished. But L is speaking to him almost tenderly. A strange feeling settles into his stomach, as he moves his head slightly to press a chaste kiss of L’s mouth. “Mmm…okay.” He rasps, and forces his body to go limp, he tells himself that it will be better soon. He hadn’t of expected L to be so well endowed. 

“Oh, what a good boy you are.” L murmurs lovingly, gently thrusting once more into Light. Light lets out a gasp, both at the praise and the sensation of L moving inside of him. “You’re so good for me Light. So, so…good.” He punctuates his remarks with a few more gentle thrusts, that leave Light gasping for more. L obliges, noticing that Light has lost that tension and is now attempting to buck his hips further onto L’s cock. L feels his heels dig into his back roughly. 

“Do you like that Light?” He leans down to whisper in Light’s ear. Light nods feverishly. 

“More.” The brunette pants. He had let go of all his inhibitions, and was filled with reckless abandon. Never before had sex with another person felt this amazing. Light was glad of how much arousal had clouded his mind, for he would be truly horrified if he could see himself through sobered eyes. 

L began to alter his pace, thrusting himself roughly into Light. Light moaned enthusiastically, the sounds were becoming ever so needy. He changed his angle, so that he would be able to properly hit Light’s prostate. Light howled in rapture and tightened his legs harder. He flung his arms up as if to clutch onto L, but had lowered them, remembering L’s orders. L was so touched by the action, however, he decided he would give the brunette a reward.

“Go on, pet. You can hold onto me if you want to.” L growled sensually, and Light’s eyes grew wide with surprised glee.

Wasting no time, Light latched his hands onto the white shirt L was still wearing. Gripping onto the fabric, he pulled the man close to him. “M-more.” He murmured again, shifting slightly in the hope that L would hit his sweet spot.

“You like it rough?” L questioned. He suddenly grabbed onto Light’s hair roughly, yanking the golden brown locks so that the boy would be looking directly into his eyes. Light squeaked and nodded passionately.

Grinning with sadistic desire, L almost pulled himself completely out. Ignoring Light’s indignant gasp, he roughly plunged himself back in. He felt the brunette’s hands dig into his back, and he was sure he’d have a few marks come morning. But no matter, this was only further proof of the newfound power he had over the boy. 

Light felt L start to slam himself into his hole mercilessly, and his hips stilled. No longer was he fucking himself on L’s length, for the man was quite adequately pleasing Light through his own ministrations. Every few thrusts, L would brutally hit his prostate. Light could feel tears gathering in his eyes, the pain almost becoming unbearable. But he bore it, because he was ever so pleased with the attention L was giving him. If he let out enough moans, L would take pity on him and stroke his cock for a few sweet moments. The pleasure coupled with the intense pain was doing wonderful things inside of Light’s mind.

“O-o-oh! R-ryuuu..” Light moaned out pleasurably. “Ahhh..”

“You…like that?” L grunted out, suddenly becoming stagnant inside of Light. Light whined at the loss of movement and moved his hips up again, before L spanked his thigh once more. “Would you like me to continue? How badly do you want to finish, Light?”

“Mmph..really badly.” Light answered honestly. “Please, Ryuzaki.”

“Are you really that taken with me?” L asks him thoughtfully. He brings a now warm and sweaty hand up to Light’s face, trailing his fingers over the brunette’s cheek.

Light became flustered, and nodded slowly. Closing his eyes, he pondered L’s statement. He supposed he was acting quite obsessed, quite needy. The disdainful reality of the situation hit him harshly, and he struggled not to frown.

L noticed Light’s disdainful expression, and thrust singularly back into him to bring the brunette back to reality. Yelping with the sudden movement, Light opened his wide brown eyes to stare at L.

“I asked you a question.” L hissed, thrusting harshly yet again. “I’d appreciate a response, do you understand?”

“Yes.” Light responded weakly, not wanting to admit that he had already forgotten L’s inquiry. “Please, L…” He pleaded, hoping that that response would satiate the raven.

It did not, for L suddenly ripped himself away from Light. Light’s felt his cock twitch at the unfulfillment and was about to voice his satisfaction. But before he could get a single word out, L’s teeth had once again attacked his neck.

“L-L stop!” Light quickly protested, before another gasp of pain escaped his lips. That was, obviously, the wrong thing to say. For L’s teeth latched onto the already abused skin of his neck and tugged harshly. Light cried out in genuine pain, squirming violently against the detective. Between the pain of his unsatisfied arousal and bite mark, Light felt tears collect in his eyes. After a few moments of L continuing to harshly nibble at Light, he pulled away and stared at him threateningly. Light paled, and tried not to look away. He hoped blood hadn’t been drawn. 

“What did I say about uttering that name?” He hissed, glaring at Light ferociously. Light paled, finally realizing his mistake.

“I’m sorry.” He offered, looking absolutely contrite. This must have satisfied L, because his length quickly returned inside of Light. Light sighed in pleasure, slowly thrusting his hips against L’s slow thrusts. He felt that delicious sensation reenter his stomach and gasped loudly, once again latching onto L’s back. 

“Ryuzaki..I’m gonna..” Light whimpered out, not able to finish his sentence.

L smiled at him deviously, before resuming his harsh movements. He slammed into Light with reckless abandon again, hitting his prostate in all the right ways. Light moaned obscenities, burying his head into the crook of L’s neck. He heard L quietly laugh.

“You haven’t forgotten, have you? You aren’t allowed release until I allow it.” L mockingly nipped at the tip of Light’s ear, making him shudder. “Isn’t that right?”

“Y-yes.” Light managed, feeling the sensations continue to overtake him. “B-but Ryu…hnnh…I won’t last if you keep doing..THAT.”

“Making demands now sweetheart?” L suddenly slammed into him violently, and Light bit his cheek to keep from screaming. “Does it not feel good?”

“Ahhh uh…n-no!” Light hurriedly reassured his companion. “It DOES. I just don’t wanna…um come before you say so.” He cursed himself for this phrasing, knowing that he had just verbatim told L that he was at his mercy. Light felt L’s cheeky smile against his face.

“Your so obedient Light, all for me.” L told him warmly. “Try to control yourself, sweetheart. Take it all, just like a good boy.”

Light felt more precum leak out of himself at those oh so sweet words. He mewled into L’s shoulder and hesitantly placed a chaste kiss on his white shirt. He hoped this action would not upset L, and luckily it didn’t seem to. 

And that’s when he noticed that L’s thrusts had began to become more urgent, and sloppier. The raven was now breathing heavily into his neck and brutally holding his hips down. L, most likely by accident, hit his prostate a few times during his messy thrusts and Light yelped in pain. His body was screaming at him for fulfillment, but he knew he must resist. 

“C-can you hit me?” Light asked breathily. L slowed his actions down considerably, shakily looking at Light for clarification.

“What?” He sounded utterly bewildered. His thrusts were now quite unfocused, L no longer retained any rhythm.

“Ahhh…it’ll distract me.” Light told him honestly, and L just smiled down at him endearingly.

“Pet, I would never hurt you.” He cooed thoughtfully. “You are doing such a good job on your own, anyway.”

Light swallowed thickly. But before he could say another word, L struck into him unforgivingly. Digging his nails in Light’s hip, he groaned loudly. 

“Fuck…Light-“ He panted. “I’m going to come, yes? And THEN you can come, darling.”

Light flushed a deep red at this lewd promise, but nodded his head enthusiastically. “Please come, L.” He earnestly whispered, reaching up to capture the detective’s lips. 

L grunted into the kiss and thrust into Light once again. This time, Light could feel L’s cock releasing deep into him, only stopped by the condom. He gasped into L’s mouth, feeling his length twitch inside of himself. He squirmed some more, trying to ignore the overwhelming feeling of pleasure. His stomach felt impossibly warm, and he knew he wasn’t going to last any longer. He broke the kiss and stared deeply into L’s dark eyes.

“I..” He mewled out hungrily, and L smirked down at him. 

“Go ahead Light, come for me.” He encouraged the brunette, and that was all Light needed. 

Light pushed his hips against L’s now softening member a few shallow times, before releasing entirely. His vision went white an he let out a most humiliating wail. Sharply turning his head to the left, he clenched his teeth in an attempt to control his pleasure. He hazily registered L placing soft kisses on his cheek. His stomach was tied into pleasant knots, and he felt his head reeling. Weakly arching up into L’s warm form, he let out a soft whimper. 

He then relaxes into the soft mattress, feeling ecstasy course through his body. He pants heavily, placing a hand over his mouth to control his ragged breaths. Swallowing thickly, he blinks his eyes to try and regain some sense of the reality around him. His head is still spinning and his entire body feels like liquid. He is vaguely aware of a cold liquid sitting on his stomach.

*That was the best sex I’ve ever had.* He muses to himself. He puts a hand on top of his chest, feeling his erratic heart beat. 

Suddenly, he is aware of how cold he is feeling. Looking over, he sees that L has gotten off of him and has returned to his work. Laptop securely in his grasp, L barely spares Light a glance. 

Light frowns. He wants to get clean, but he is still chained to the detective. “Uh..L? My stomach..” He begins, quite awkwardly. The full magnitude of the situation is slowly setting in, leaving Light more mortified every passing moment. L still doesn’t look at Light when he speaks. 

“There are tissues next to you, on the bed side table.” He states, his usual stoicism has returned. Light hastily sits up, ignoring the way blotches of light dance in his vision. Pulling a few tissues out of the box, he quickly wipes himself clean. After throwing the sullied sheets away, he turns yet again to look at L. The detective simply continues typing, his face betraying no emotion.

Light knows it is rude to stare, but he cannot help himself. The man next to him was acting as if nothing had transpired between the two of them. He even had his blue jeans back on! While Light was still, very much naked. Now aware of this fact, Light self-consciously covered himself with the blanket. His mind was telling him to look for his garments, but he was much too tired. Sex had never effected him like this.

Light thought that maybe this was simply how L acted after intimacy, because of how dedicated he was to his job. *Maybe it has nothing to do with me.* Light naively tried to placate himself. For he hadn’t done anything wrong, had he? Attempting to banish his worrying thoughts, he lays back down onto the bed.

Trying not to feel embarrassed, he looks over at the raven yet again. He can’t help it, it is almost like his eyes are now drawn to L, no matter what. Without thinking, he rolled over closer to the detective and drapes an arm lazily over his waist. For reasons unbeknownst to him, he now craves contact from the man. *It’s not awkward!* Light firmly told himself. *After…what he just did to me, it’s only natural I’d feel attached to him.* Light wasn’t too concerned about his actions. For this happened every time after intimacy. Though not much thought went into his pursuits, he would always feel closer to that person after the deed was done. Light liked cuddles, so what?

But L, rudely, decided to break up Light’s post-coital bliss. He couldn’t have this boy thinking he was in the clear, not yet. He couldn’t have Light believing that L was smitten with him, or was looking for anything more than what this was. L, for tonight, would let Light fall asleep with conflicting thoughts over what had just transpired. 

*All in due time.* He reminded himself. He would let Light’s feelings grow, he would let Light chase him. And in time, he would allow himself to become affectionate with him. But it was much too early for something as ludicrous as romance to become involved. Light would have to work for his prize. 

“Please do not cling onto me, Light-kun. I am working.” The detective replied stiffly.

Light felt his arm stiffen, and quickly withdrew his outstretched limb. Feeling overwhelming embarrassment flood his entire being, he quickly turned away from L. 

*You are so foolish.* The voice crows at him. *What did you think, that’d he’d be different from the others? That he would actually like you? How foolish. How callow.* The brunette swallows thickly, willing himself to not become overwrought by these words. For they are all true. And he deserves them, he must endure all of the jeers his unwell mind throws at him. He cannot believe he has just allowed himself to be defiled! He allowed L to see him at his most vulnerable, and for what?

*Gratification.* He reminds himself. *Because you’ll do anything for that, won’t you? You don’t care where you get it from.* Yes, this is what he’s accustomed to. Being used and thrown away. So why does it hurt so much this time? He doesn’t actually like L, in fact he’s terrified of him.

*And he will surely use this chain of events for his own benefit.* He grimly notes. This is not good, not good at all.

There is nowhere he can escape to, either. He is trapped in this nightmare, he is bound to the man who seems to only hurt him. Light doesn’t even know how he’ll face him, come morning. He imagines L’s stare, that will surely now be filled with sadistic knowledge of just how depraved he truly is. Yes, now he feels he will be transparent in L’s eyes. L has just seen him as his true self.

*And he’ll do it again.* It growls at him. *He’ll take from you everything until there is nothing left.* Light grows horrified at this thought, attempting to deny it. But it’s no use, because he realizes that this is most likely the truth. As he thought before, this is all just a game to the detective. He wants to destroy Light until he finds Kira, no matter of his innocence. He will be tricked and deceived. Lied to and defiled, until he confesses. Or until he dies. Maybe this is all L’s plan to dig the knife in deeper, before he makes the final twist. He shouldn’t of expected anything else, really.

*Always giving in to what feels good, huh? You didn’t stop for a moment to think of the effects of your horrid decision. You were content to let that man do anything to you! Just like the others, but he is the worse! Because he is barbarous, he is cruel!*

And Light knows not what to do, for he is truly trapped in between a rock and a hard place. He cannot escape these lecherous tricks, he is but a stagnant pawn. He is completely at L’s mercy, and he now knows just how perverted the man really is. 

Light truly does not know how he can survive this. He has never been faced with this challenge before. He has never dealt with someone as tricky as L.

L is the serpent to his Eve. He offers him the apple with sweet promises. He allows Light his desires, and turns them into poison. And Light just cannot seem to control himself! Because he craves the sweet promises, even though he should be wise enough to understand how they will be thrown back into his face. 

All he wanted was peace for one night, he wanted what L was offering him. But alas, he is not even allowed that! Everything comes with a price, and he has just paid in full. He feels the heated regret eating away at him. Without knowing exactly why, he does recognize that this has just broken an unspoken barrier. This has changed their dynamic forever, and in the worst way. L has no limits now, he sees what he can truly do to Light. Light can no longer hide this part of himself, for Ryuzaki knows. 

*He’s loving this.* The voice tells him, and Light agrees. *And you just played into his trap. You deserve this! L seems to be sent solely to make your life unbearable. But then, maybe that’s fitting. Perhaps he’s your karma, to pay for all of your sinful mistakes.*

And Light truly hates him in this moment. And he hates him even more because of how well he took to L moments ago. He had felt connected, he had felt oh so good. And he could not stop those feelings. L is his achillies heel. Everyone else he is safe from, he can hide away from the rest of their stares. But not L, because he feels that L knows him. 

And as much as Light would like to disavow these events and the man beside him, he knows that that promise will eventually be broken. For what if he decides to take Light again? Light knew he wouldn’t resist, because it is not in his nature. And not to say that he would hate it, either. Because he didn’t. Right now, he hates himself the most for having these inclinations. 

*L will do whatever he wants to you. Because in some way, he owns you. That much is clear by how easily he locked you away, how easily he tricked your own father! Even now, here you lie beside him. Like a mere pet. Just like how he called you. He can do whatever he pleases, and you’ll endure it. Because there’s no mercy, there’s no escape in sight.* No matter what, he cannot shake the detective. Not through fights, not through honesty, and certainly not through intimacy. L takes whatever he is given and throws it back on Light, always coming out victorious. 

Light is utterly fucked, literally and metaphorically. His perverse predilections have brought him here. His misfortune has brought him to L, and made him an unwilling prisoner. 

He can only wait for the worse, which may very well be madness or death. He cannot think of anyway to defend himself from L, until they find the real Kira. And how is that supposed to happen? It has been nearly a year and there are no leads. If L, the world’s greatest detective, cannot find Kira…then no one can! And just the fact that L thinks of him as Kira just shows how truly lost he is. Kira is too good. And if Kira is framing him, Light could not possibly hope to defend himself. The killer has already tricked L into convicting Light, who is utterly innocent.

Kira will continue hiding in the shadows, because he knows the game too. Light thinks that Kira and L are very much the same, in some ways. Both are shifty, cunning monsters. Both are masters in deceit and tricks. They are much too wise, and seem to be fated to fight until death. Which, let’s face it, anyone Kira faces off with will ultimately perish. Even if it is L, perhaps then it would end in a stalemate. 

Kira and L. L and Kira. Two beings sent from hell to ruin his life. This perfect life he has tried so hard to achieve! All of his hard work, all of his genius and dedication, have been for nothing at all. He cannot even remember what it was like to be normal. To be a college student, to be free of suspicion and entrapment. Those days don’t even seem to belong to the brunette, anymore. He doesn’t imagine a scenarios where he comes out of this mess unharmed. He knows that L has already inflicted irreparable damage. And he seems determined to do more. 

He breathes evenly, wishing he had a distraction. It is no use, for these thoughts are much too loud. Maybe when he finally becomes exhausted, he will pass out into a sweet oblivion. 

Perhaps this will all come to an end when L finally sentences him to death, for crimes he did not commit. Maybe, that wouldn’t even be the worst thing to happen, anymore. His fatigued mind faintly encourages this thought, for all he wants is to save himself from more heartache. 

After a few hours of diligent working, L looks over to the boy next to him. He is breathing evenly, and lying as still as death. L smirks. Though the untrained mind may not have noticed, L knew better. He had felt Light stiffen, and quickly shift away from him. He had heard his erratic breaths, and he had felt the tension surrounding the boy. Almost as if he could hear his own thoughts, which weren’t hard to guess. The poor boy must have tired himself out, from all of that mental torment. L is thankful for the quick work he has been able to make, for he can already see pieces of Light falling apart.

He has heard many secrets tonight, and he has seen how Light acts under pleasure. He has learned valuable information from Light’s vague allusions to his troubled past.

He knows that Light must be terribly confused. And that suspicion and bewilderment will only fester as L continues to manipulate and finesse. *It shan’t take long.* He thinks hopefully to himself. For the Light next t him now isn’t nearly as strong as some of his past conquests. L has already inflicted plenty of damage. 

Tomorrow, he will be affectionate yet again. In the morning, he will be kind to this boy. He will shower him with affection, and then punish him with the slightest act of insolence. While he doesn’t want this game to end quite yet, he is eager to see the results of his hard work continue to maturate. For if Light truly has repressed these awful Kira memories, which L is now sure that he has, his mind is already quite fragile. Coupled with his young age and already formed insecurities, the defenses against L’s improper behavior will be weakened. 

He knows that he will make Light turn on himself. How he will convince Light he is his ally, and only wants what is best for him. *I wish to help you, to be a friend…maybe even a lover towards you.* He imagines himself saying. *I only hurt you when you misbehave, understand? I am utterly infatuated with you, Light. And I am helping you become better, for your own good.* Romance is a sticky, twisted mess. And to Light, he will not know whether L is being genuine. At first, anyways. By the end he will become subservient to L’s every whim, he will trust him completely. 

A memory comes to him, suddenly. 

The dark-haired boy looks at him, mistrust written clearly all over his face. ‘Y-you aren’t mad…this isn’t like you, Lawliet?’

‘I love you!’ A younger L passionately insists. ‘No matter what you have done, it will be solved. Don’t you want to be saved? You know how powerful I am, I can protect you. You will have to trust me, can you do that?’

‘I thought you hated me.’ The successor mumbled. ‘You’ve told me so. You’ve always said that I was horrific towards you..’

‘In the past, darling.’ The snake interrupts. The two stare each other down. Ones eyes are full of calculation. The others read as sincere and comforting. 

He knows how broken, how destroyed this man has become. And he also knows all of his tricks. He will use those, and some of his own, to bring him down.

‘You don’t hate me?’ He murmurs hesitantly, and L steps forward to take his hand. The same hand that has smeared blood over his own body, the one that has hurt him an immeasurable amount of times. This hand will soon be bound and chained. But, L will have some fun first.

‘I’m tired of hating.’ He tells him, feigning honesty. ‘I only wish to be with you. As you said, we are each other’s fate.’

And he smiles, and L smiles too. But, for different reasons. Backup is no longer fit to manipulate the detective, he has gone mad out of his mind. And L will take his place.

And L smiles. Not because of B, but what he forced him to become. He smiles at how he achieved his vengeance.

He cannot wait to do the same to Kira.


	3. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! Er, Sunday by now I guess. This chapter was another pill to write, but it was surprisingly challenging. Hopefully the story will pick up a bit in the next chapter. This is mostly laying the groundworks and first clues about their trauma, mainly Light's. I want to establish a pattern, and a believable amount of pain for why he feels and acts in such a way. Also, smut warning but this scene isn't too graphic. Anywho, please read on and enjoy this chapter!

The brunette jolted awake the next morning, to find himself lying in a cold sweat. He must’ve just awoken from a nightmare. Though he cannot remember just what he dreamt about, he has a feeling it wasn’t at all pleasant. A chilling feeling lingers, terribly unnerving him.

He suddenly feels that the chain is digging into his skin, quite painfully, and he frowns. He realizes that he must’ve tossed and turned something fierce in his sleep. For he is no longer lying on his back, instead he is on his right side. The chain has become wrapped around himself and he is lying curled up. He thinks of stretching out to relive some muscle tension, but then frowns internally. The memories of last night suddenly come back to him at full force, almost making him scream. Light feels his face turn red, and resists the urge to shove his face farther into his pillow. 

Now wide awake and lucid, he is utterly humiliated. He has no idea how he is meant to face L today. He doesn’t even know what to say! Will it be awkward? Should he act as if the whole affair had never happened? This is a situation Light has never had to deal with before. For usually, he would never see any one of his bedfellows again. The men Light would fraternize with were one-night stands, nothing more and nothing less.

But it’s not as if he can leave L behind, and chalk the detective up as a lone scandal. For Light is still chained to the raven, and there is no telling when that will end! No, Light will have to continue to spend every waking moment with Ryuzaki, whether he likes it or not. He will have to work with him on the case, and act as if they are still tentative friends.

*Yeah, I can do that.* Light anxiously reassures himself. He is quite good at giving a performance, after all. The hardest part would be the initial conversation, but Light would get through it. He had to. 

So, deciding to no longer prolong the inevitable, he turned back onto his back and stretched languidly. His body, mainly his backside, was still quite sore. But Light wouldn’t dwell on that. Because last night never happened, right?

“Good-morning Light.” L’s voice suddenly rang in his ears, sounding surprisingly pleasant. Light frowned, was L going to decide to be nice today? *Maybe he was just in a really bad mood post-orgasam…?* This thought rang odd to Light, however. He just couldn’t figure L out.

*Maybe L’s feeling awkward about the whole encounter too and doesn’t know how to act.* Light mused. *I am his suspect, after all.*

So, deciding to follow L’s lead, Light also responded quite cordially. “Good morning, L. Did you sleep well?”

“Just the usual, about one hour.* L divulged. *I was much too distracted, anyway.*

Light slightly frowned, before gracefully rising. He hoped L wasn’t referring to…the incident. Light had already decided to play the fool. “I get what you mean, this case has been weighing quite heavily on me too.” He breezily responded. He hoped that by changing the subject, L would leave the matter to rest.

L, however, was silent. He too rose, and followed Light over to the bathroom. But when Light turned to lock the door, as he normally did, L had seemed to decide that he would follow him into the lavatory. Light was puzzled, L was usually content to stay outside. Did he not think Light would shower this morning?

Light decided to ignore the matter, for now. Maybe L was just going to brush his teeth with him, and then leave when Light started to bathe. 

But L did not pick up a toothbrush. He stood behind Light, rather closely, and watched as the brunette started his morning ritual. Light anxiously bit down on his toothbrush as the man continued to stare at him with purpose. *Come to think of it, I’ve never even seen L brush his teeth.* 

Light decided to ignore the strange detective, and proceeded to wash his face. He then flossed, brushed his hair, and even tweezed his eyebrows. He was trying to waste as much time as possible before he was meant to use the shower. His chain mate still didn’t make the slightest inclination that he was going to remove himself.

“You’re taking an awfully long time to get ready today.” The detective finally remarked. Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes. *Ah, so it speaks.*

He just listlessly shrugged and decided that now it was time to wash himself. He thought that turning on the shower would’ve been the biggest hint he could give, but L remained steadfast. Light stared angrily at the shower curtain, before turning warily to face L. Was he now going to have to beg for privacy while showering?

“I’m going to shower now.”

“I noticed.”

Light blinked, was he meant to blatantly tell L to bugger off?

“I thought this might be a good opportunity to do so.” He said meaningfully, and L just cocked his head.

“As good a time as any.” He agreed. Light recognized the amusement in his tone and bristled. L was really going to stay in here and watch him, wasn’t he?

Then Light realized, L was purposely acting obstinate. *This is just another one of his games isn’t it? To attempt to unnerve me?* He realized that L was waiting for Light to tell him verbatim to leave the room. That would prove that Light was feeling awkward about last night, and L would use this opportunity to confront him about it.

Light gritted his teeth, furious that he was being toyed with in such a manner. 

But as the water continued to run, he realized it would become even more awkward if he continued to loiter outside of the shower. So, he began to pull off his own shirt.

*This will show that bastard.* Light thought, smugly. For L had already seen all of himself just hours before. So there was no reason to feign coyness now, was there? No, this would show L that Light truly didn’t care about the night before. As if L really hadn’t had an affect on him.

*Which, he didn’t.* Light angrily tried to remind himself. His hands wavered over the waistband of his pants, but he used all of his strength to continue his ministrations. *L will not get any satisfaction for trying to intimidate me.* He tried not to make a show of angrily pulling down his boxers, and quickly stepped into the shower. He hoped the embarrassment he felt was no prominent on his face. 

“Would you like for me to join you?” L’s teasing voice came from behind the shower curtain, and Light did openly frown at that. He just wouldn’t leave him alone, would he?

“Obvi-no, thank you.” Light responded, in a strained tone of voice. He reminded himself that rudeness was not wise to display around the detective. 

“Why? I was under the impression that we were closer after last night.” The detective shot back, and Light resisted the urge to angrily hit the shower wall. Damn L! He had gotten to him anyway, and was going to try and force a confession from Light.

But Light was hardly in the mood for a conversation of that nature this early in the morning, especially without his coffee. So he snatched some shampoo off of a ledge and pretended as if he did not hear L.

“This shampoo smells really nice.” He told the detective, breezily. He had decided to now be purposely obtuse about the whole matter. 

He was met with silence, and Light smiled to himself. *Now, L knows I’m not interested in discussing what happened last night. Not at all.* The warm water washed over his tense muscles, soothing him. He felt as if could stand in the water all day and that all of his problems would be banished. In this world of warmth and stillness, his hurts could not reach him. L could not bother him. Kira could not bother him. He felt as if this bathroom was a sanctuary.

It was symbolic, in a way. This purifying water was cleansing him. It was ridding him of all of the darkness of his life. Dashing away his sin. Here, he was reborn anew. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, right?

Light was interrupted from his musing by the water suddenly stopping. Frowning, he saw a pale hand gripping the facet. Trying not to sigh loudly, Light called over to the detective. “L? I wasn’t done.”

“You’ve been in there long enough.” L dismissed. 

“No, I haven’t really.” Light argued back, feeling his eyes narrow. He was quite annoyed that his cleansing refuge had been disturbed. By L of all people. This was a place where nothing could hurt him, a place where he was pure. L couldn’t go and soil that with his infuriating voice.

L then suddenly ripped the shower curtain open in one fluid motion. Light gasped, covering himself immediately. He had forgotten his silent vow to abandon all shyness. “What the hell are you doing?” He demanded quickly. *Hell, this isn’t unusual for me to be offended. Most normal people don’t actively try to peek in on people’s private rituals.* He thought indignantly. No matter if he had been intimate with L, he still deserved some privacy!

“You’re acting strange this morning.” He told the brunette, nibbling on his thumb. Light knew he should be reaching for a towel, but felt frozen in place. And L certainly wasn’t offering him one. The man probably delighted in seeing Light this way, being the pervert that he was.

“I’m tired.” Light defended, now starting to slightly shiver. L quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Is it because of me?” He asked, innocently. “Did I ravage you too severely last night?”

Light blushed furiously, not even attempting to hide his embarrassment. L had no right to question him in such a manner!

“…Don’t wanna talk about that.” Light mumbled lowly, looking down. He reached his hand out to try and blindly grab a towel, but L slapped his hand away. Shocked, Light jerked his head to stare at the peculiar man smirking at him. 

“Are you embarrassed?” L questioned, clearly enjoying the situation. Light huffed.

“N-no.” He muttered. “Can you just drop it? We’re both adults. What happened happened, and all we can do now is try and maintain a professional relationship.” 

“Is that to say you never wish to do it again?”

Light stared at L, dumbfounded. If he hadn’t of been so scared of L, he would’ve kicked him straight in the scrotum for asking such a ludicrous question. Why the hell would they do that again? It had been a heat of the moment decision. 

“That would be quite morally grey.” Light answered primly, trying to regain his dignity. “I’m your suspect and you're the man who imprisoned me, remember?”

“Stop with the pretenses, Light.” L’s gaze suddenly grew stern. He then made his way into the shower, pressing himself against Light tightly. Light was too surprised to do anything but stare at L’s obsidian eyes. “You know as well as I do that our entire relationship is morally grey.”

“We…don’t have a 'relationship?’” Light uttered, quite uncomfortable with L’s clothed form pressing up against his naked one. 

“No? Well, I’d like to have one.” L purred, trailing his fingers over Light’s cheek. He felt him brush away a few lone drops of water.

Sullying him further.

“Why?” Light murmured, feeling hazy when the detective was pressed this close to him. The soft fabric soothed him, and he felt himself unconsciously leaning into L’s form. He just didn’t know what was the matter with himself. He hated L, but now it seemed he craved the other man’s affection? *Did the confinement really make me loose the whole plot completely?*

“I quite like Light, that’s why.” L told him, whispering as if it were a secret. His hot breath hit his ear as L leaned closer. “I want to have him.”

Light struggled to keep his indignation, which was crumbling apart by the second. “You want me because you believe me to be Kira.” He murmured breathlessly. 

“No.” L sharply pulled away from Light, and gripped his jaw in his hand. He pulled the brunette’s face close so that they were almost kissing. Almost. “I want Light, not Kira.”

Light’s heart fluttered and his horrified mind was screaming at him to run. To push L away and confess to being Kira, solely to get away from the man. Light knew how dangerous L was, how unwise it was to trust him. L was surely playing mind games with him. But, oh…

The way he was staring at him did incredible things for Light. He felt his heart thumping loudly in his chest, and swallowed loudly in an attempt to quell it. His heard himself breathing shortly, and felt his eyes narrow in a hazy lust. He was so close to L that he could count each of his individual eyelashes. He could truly study his black eyes. And he found, they weren’t black at all. They were a deep grey. And they were filled with adoration, with passion. They were filled with desire. A desire for him? He saw nothing suspicious in that captivating gaze. 

“I-I usually only sleep with people once.” Light stuttered out. He was now distracted by the hand that had let his jaw go and was now running through his damp hair. 

“Let me be your outlier then.” L murmured. “I want Light so badly, it frightens me. Oh, for it is very improper to be having these thoughts about a child.”

“I’m not a kid.” Light snapped indignantly, though there was no real malice behind his words. Even he could hear the whine in his tone.

“Legally, no.” L nodded. “But I am much to old to be fraternizing with teenagers. Oh, but you are really not like the other’s of your age. No, Light is special.”

Light’s breath hitched, and he closed his eyes to revel in the compliment. From the world’s greatest detective, no less. *He thinks I’m special?”

“And that’s why I’m drawn to him so.” L continued his sugar-coated words, his false praises were being taken as truth by the teen. He knew this. “I’ve never thought I could find a companion in which I could share everything. A person who was so similar to me? I always thought I’d hate that person. And yet…here you are. And I want you, more than I ever have anyone else.”

Light felt as if everything had suddenly stilled around him. L was surely lying, right? But when he studied for any tells, any trace of insincerity, he found none. L was looking at him as if he were a treasure. As if he were the only man to ever exist. He continued to stroke Light’s cheek and had his free hand on the small of the brunette’s back. And his deep, captivating grey eyes were filled with nothing but lust. Lust and desire, want for only him. Light knew that he was acting much like a schoolgirl, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care.

Light knew he was attractive. But no one had ever quite looked at him like this before. No one had called him special. And besides one other, they had never come back for seconds.

But L was even different from the first man to have ever given Light affection after the fact. He wasn’t like the man who would have been considered his first ‘boyfriend.’ It was clear by the way L was looking and talking to him that he didn’t just see Light as a plaything or a piece of meat. No, he wanted every part of Light. He had even said they were alike. And for someone like L to confess that, Light didn’t want to admit how much that praise affected him.

Because to be praised in such a way by the world’s greatest detective? Well…

Light knew he was a goner. 

“L..” He murmured, and L hummed. “Please, what’s going on? Is this another game?”

Annoyance flashed through L’s eyes and Light tried not to cower. “It isn’t.” The raven insisted. “Can’t we keep the Kira case away from our personal lives? Because when I’m with you, Light…nothing else matters.” He pressed his lips to Light’s mouth and whispered, as if afraid someone would overhear. “We’re the only two people alive."

And with those saccharine words, Light pressed his mouth into L’s further. His legs felt like jelly, and he struggled to keep standing.

After everything, he was so desperate to believe this promise.

And L’s lips felt so sweet on his. The kiss was slow and lazy, making every other thought dim inside of his mind. This was the kind of kiss that would only be shared by two people who shared a strong bond. It was the kind of action that made Light feel safe. It was slowly convincing his mind to let go of those anxious thoughts, for maybe L was being entirely truthful.

“I won’t fall for him, not yet.” Light hazily promised himself. *I’ll see what his true intentions are. I’ll find out if he truly is playing me. But, for now, I can enjoy this.* He thought that after everything he endured, it was more than okay to enjoy kisses. No matter who they came from. No matter how shameful this action would make him feel later, after he valiantly promised himself to not respond to L’s lecherous behaviors. 

And just like that, his pure sanctuary had been defiled. 

And L was holding him close, as if he was cherishing the brunette. The kisses places with care, as if L had no qualms about rushing through this experience. Time truly didn’t exist. Light felt a fire burning inside of himself. His head was swimming and all he could do was lean in closer to L so the detective would take the hint and start to ravage his mouth more severely. Light could feel himself getting aroused and he wanted more.

He then flung his arms around the detective’s shoulder’s and attempted to pull him closer. This backfired tremendously.

L frowned into the kiss, for hadn’t he already told Light not to touch him unless given permission? This would never do, he couldn’t have Light starting to get comfortable. He must aim to please, after all. The raven though that this would be the perfect opportunity to ‘punish’ the brunette. He abruptly pulled away and roughly pinned Light’s arms above his head. Light squeaked in surprise and L had to restrain himself from smirking at the helpless teen pinned under him. 

Light struggled against the detective’s iron grasp, but L only squeezed his wrists tighter. Attempting to catch his breath, Light looked up to glare at L. But blinked when he saw how ferocious L’s glare had turned.

*What could he possibly be upset about now?*

“Have I not already told you not to touch me unless given permission?” The detective hissed, making Light’s blood run cold. Light wracked his brain, when had L said that? And more importantly, why did it matter?

“I expect an answer, now Light.” The detective continued threateningly, when he saw that Light was making no attempt to respond. Light gulped thickly and averted his gaze.

“I-I don’t remember.” He answered honestly. 

“Oh come on Light, don’t be so thick.” L sneered, coming close to his neck. “You’re quite a smart boy. You don’t want me to bite you again, do you? I think this quite warrants a punishment.”

Light couldn’t help but shiver, growing increasingly more scared of this newest situation. “P-punishment? Why? I haven’t done anything!” He whispered, and tried not to feel to put out by L having just insulted his intelligence. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t understand this bizarre man!

“You touched me. Without permission.” L stated, as if it were obvious. His teeth then latched onto Light’s sensitive skin. Light whimpered, bracing himself for the searing pain that was soon to follow. But he opened his eyes after a moment when no pain had come. Instead L had released him and stepped away. 

Sighing forlornly, L turned into the bathroom mirror and pretended to look lost in thought. “I don’t like for anyone to touch me without my permission.” L started sadly. However, his inner self was grinning wickedly. Guilt tripping Light would be so easy, and make him even more obedient to L. He would be so upset that he had managed to ‘trigger’ L that he would desperately try and make it up to the man. L truly didn’t care that Light had laid his arms on him, this was just a part of his plan. 

It’s not exactly like L was lying. He was exaggerating at worst. He would share his inner demons, so long as it helped the case progress. “Another has hurt me with his touches before.” He continued softly. “He wounded me immensely. And every time you touch me like that…well, it reminds me of him. I just thought you would’ve been different.” He turned from the mirror a sadly walked towards the door. Tugging on the chain, he purposely continued to avoid the brunette’s gaze. “Come, let’s get ready for the day.”

Light was shocked into silence. He had hurt L? L had been hurt by another before? All sorts of images ran through his head, leaving him with a sickly feeling in his stomach. “I-I didn’t know. I’m really sorry.” He apologized, hanging his head. He had no idea that what he had done effected L so much. 

“I really do like you.” L murmured. “But if you continue with that behavior…I- honestly Light? How am I supposed to trust you? If you won’t respect my boundaries, who’s to tell what you might do to me in the future?”

Light felt as if he had just been slapped. “I-I would never!” He protested vehemently. “I’m really not that type of person L, please believe me!” He quickly grabbed a towel, deciding that he really shouldn’t be naked for a conversation like this.

“I don’t know Light.” L sighed. “It seems as if you poison me without even meaning to.” Okay, he could admit that was a tad bit dramatic. But judging by the stricken look on Light’s face, he apparently had hit him right where it hurt.

L walked away from him into the bedroom, and Light unconsciously followed. *Did I really make L THAT upset.* He frowned to himself and resisted the urge to wring his hands together out of nervousness. *I don’t feel like he’s bullshitting me. And I could understand if he really did have something awful happen to him…how my actions could set off red flags.*

Light knew how important consent was, after all.

“L…I-I’m really sorry.* He came to stand behind the dark-haired man, offering another apology. He felt even more on edge now that L was mad at him for something he actually did do. L being mad about the Kira nonsense didn’t really unease him, anymore. He had learned ignore it to a degree. But L was mad at him because he hadn’t respected personal boundaries…the guilt was swirling heavily inside of his stomach.

“Light, get dressed.” L told him shortly, resuming his crouch on the bed. He stared aheads blankly and started to gnaw at his thumb. 

“I-I promise not to do anything without your permission again.” Light spoke passionately, moving to stand in front of L. “I’ll behave myself, I promise.” He gave the man his signature ‘puppy-dog eyes’ which always worked on his parents when he was trying to convince them of something.

But L didn’t seem convinced in the slightest. “Don’t talk to me right now, you’ve really gotten me wound up.” He murmured.

“But L-“ Light started, before he was unceremoniously pushed against a wall. He couldn’t hide his yelp of surprise, L moved like a predator in the wild. Light hadn’t even of had time of notice L moving in place for an attack. He gulped noisily and chose to study the floor. *I should’ve known provoking him was abad idea!* He mentally berated himself. L looked livid now, a look that promised Light was in for some real trouble. 

“I don’t want to hear your voice for the rest of the morning.” L hissed at him. “If I hear a single peep, you’ll regret it. Do I make myself clear?”

“But-“

“The only response is yes or no, Light.” L interrupted harshly, making Light want to further crawl into a wall. “Don’t be insolent, now. Or I’ll punish you and I suspect you wouldn’t like that at all.”

L’s gaze was boring into him fiercely, and he felt his grip tighten around his arms every passing second that Light didn’t answer. He knew that the best course of action he could take would be to placate L and be silent, but the stubborn side of his brain was still telling him to resist. Even though he had been in the wrong and had obviously hurt L. His guilt stung.

That guilt eventually won, along with the terrifying presence that seemed to almost be pushing him into the wall with all of his force. Trying to make himself as non-threatening as possible, Light looked sullenly down at the floor. “Okay.” He murmured out his answer, which led to L squeezing his wrists tightly one last time and then finally releasing him. Trying not to snap about how his arms would no surely have bruises, he turned his way to the dresser to find some clothes.

And in all of that commotion, he soon found that his towel had fell from his waist. *Oh joy.* He grumbled inside of his own mind. He didn’t even have the energy to be indignant about parading around in his birthday suit. It’s not like L cared, being the pervert that he was. 

After selecting a burgundy button up and some khakis, he held his wrist out to be shackled. L complied, but hardly looked in the brunette’s direction while doing so. 

*is he really that angry with me?* Light pondered, as he hesitantly trailed behind the silent man. The brooding was unnerving him, L was obviously mad. 

*You shouldn’t be mad.* His mind argued. *You should be happy that libertine is finally leaving you alone!* And while Light fought to agree with these rational thoughts, he somehow found that he couldn’t. Because there was a small speckle of guilt that was slowly growing bigger. 

As they sat down in front of their respective monitors, Light snuck a side glance at L. The man looked stoic, like always. Light turned back and frowned tom himself, did this mean he was no longer mad? Light doubted that. He had never seen L quite as mad as he had acted this morning, not even in all of the Kira case nonsense. 

*I must have really angered him.* Light fretted, before remembering he shouldn’t care what L was feeling. *I don’t care.* He corrected himself. *I just don’t like to think I could be the cause of all this upset.* Yes, that was it! Light was raised to be a good child, and to have morals. He was raised to behave himself and be polite above everything. Even though he and L had gotten into physical spats, but those didn’t seem to bother the raven. *If anything, those just give him an excuse to rage on me.* He thought, irritably.

But this, this was uncharted territory. He had never made someone so affected just by mere touch alone. And he felt very guilty about that fact, he would’ve never even considered that L of all people would have a dark past. And to make it worse, he and L had been sharing a moment just before his mishap. Light felt foolish for not being his normally perceptive self.

And that moment had effected him, more than he would like to admit. What could he say? So he may have a slight tendency to fall for dark-haired, sweet talking, older men. So he may have had daddy issues. So he may of been looking for some older, authoritative figure who happened to be male. Maybe he was looking for a figure of that sort to form an intimate connection with him, to give him the adoration and attention his father never had. So what if all of that was true? *Sue me.* Light sourly thought. *I’ve worked out my dating issues long ago. L is attractive, sure. But I don’t understand why I’m feeling even more affectionate towards the man than usual?*

Because nothing about L had really changed. He still thought Light was Kira, above anything else. He was still going to try his damnedest to execute him, no matter how much he claimed to ‘like’ the brunette. L was still obstinate, rude, cruel, and a liar. He still ate all of those horrible sweets and maintained his horrible posture. His sole mission in life was still to make his a living hell. So again, why should he care if L was put out by his actions?

*He really does deserve it.* The more sadistic side of his mind chimed in, before he could tell it to hush. *After all he put you through, while you were innocent? Making your own flesh and blood pretend to shoot you just as you had escaped prison? He deserves some karma and you know it!*

*That’s not a very fair or moral thought.* His polite, perfect Light Yagami brain spoke back at him. *Even you admit, the circumstances are suspicious. And there are virtually no other leads! What would you have done in his position, Light? He was fearing for his life! And the safety of others-* Light nearly snorted at that thought, the thought of L caring about anyone but himself, but his subconscious persisted. *Kira is tricky, and he wanted to investigate you thoroughly before he let you off the hook. Yes, his methods were harsh. But it’s Kira’s fault that you’re even a suspect in the first place! Kira tricked L, and that’s why all of this has happened!”

Light felt that confusing thought start to fester, and he hated it. Especially because there was some logic to it. As much as he hated L, he hated Kira more. When he had vowed to catch Kira and put him to death, he meant it. He wanted to hunt and obliterate the criminal who was trying to destroy his perfect life! Was all of this not necessarily L’s fault? He had been doing his job, after all. Was Light being unnecessarily cruel to the detective, for no reason? The thought made his heart sink. He definitely did not want to be the guilty party in all of this. L still had traumatized him, after all. No matter if he was doing his job or not-

*Maybe, you deserve it.* Ah there they were, those pesky self-deprecation thoughts that would come to haunt him whenever they pleased. *For all of your mistakes. That the perfect Light Yagami should never be allowed to make! Can you even imagine how ashamed your father would be if he knew? He’d hate you even more than he does now!* Light fruitlessly typed on his computer, trying to deny his own insecurities. But he couldn’t. If Soichiro ever found out what he had been doing ‘after school’….well, Light would promptly be kicked out into the cold because he would’ve failed as a son. And he wouldn’t be able to entirely blame his father, either. Because honor students didn’t get caught with older, debased men. Good schoolboys would never dream to sink to that level! And yet he had, and so maybe this whole situation was rightful penance. 

*And maybe I just keep making it worse, being unnecessarily morose and spiteful with L! He’ll never be convinced of my innocence then.* Light shut his eyes, fearing horror would fill in them if left open. He tried to concentrate on anything else, but this pesky notion wouldn’t leave the forefront of his mind. *If you keep upsetting him, he’ll only think of you as more of a monster!*

The brunette opened his eyes again, not wanting to look as if he were slumbering. He gritted his teeth, and scrolled through a few graphs. It would do no use thinking about his blunder this morning, right? He and L were both adults. And if he gave L some space, as he had requested, he would surely forgive Light by the evening. Or at least, he would respect the effort the brunette was making. And he must focus on the case, he didn’t exactly have time to waste. Every second he let his own disastrous thoughts cloud his mind, was another second that Kira was escaping his grasp. 

L surely wouldn’t be mad at him forever, right? *What if he decides to hurt you because of how upset he is?* An unbridled idea swirled in his head, making him want to slam his hands onto the keyboard in frustration. But he didn’t, because he still had basic manners. 

He then turned back to make a new chart, but found that he truly couldn’t focus. That nagging thought just wouldn’t quit. He knew it was preposterous to think the man would physically wound him, unprovoked that is. L hadn’t ever beaten up on him, unless it was in self-defense. *But that doesn’t mean he never will!*

Light swallowed the lump in his throat, noticing how thirsty he was. He wanted to ask L for some coffee. Hell, right now he was also worried enough to ask L if the man would ever harm him. But, he remembered L’s command of silence. He figured it would be best for Watari to come in. Or, if he could get his father’s attention…

Somehow, that thought wasn’t very appealing. His father could also be temperamental in the morning, and might think Light was slacking off if he asked for a beverage. 

And of course every time he laid eyes on his father, he saw the gun. The black, endless void of death that was staring him down…His own cries, drowned out as if he were underwater…the feel of blood rushing in his ears and his heartbeat in his throat…the lack of control, the desperation he felt-

Light flinched, breaking himself out of his memories. He was lucky he had been tired out last night, as he hadn’t had any nightmares. 

That impending feeling of doom never went away, however. Partly because of the flashbacks to that horrid night he couldn’t seem to shake. Also due to L constantly stating that he would personally sentence Kira to death. And in his eyes, Light was seemingly warranted that fate.

*What if L tries to actually kill you this time, to finally get rid of you.* His mind taunted. *He could get away with it too, being the world’s greatest detective. And after this stunt you pulled this morning…NO!* He attempted to reject that horrid line of thought. No, he didn’t even want to entertain the somewhat plausible notion that L could dispose of him. L was justice, surely he wouldn’t stoop that low? But what would happen if the raven was pushed to his limit? What would happen if L allowed his rage to consume him?

*And he would make it look like an accident, or suicide!*

His morbid musings were suddenly interrupted by a hand on his shoulder. Jumping ever so slightly, he turned hastily to find Watari staring down at him. The man smiled almost apologetically.

“Forgive me, Yagami-kun.” He started, pleasantly enough. “I did not mean to startle you, you seemed lost in your thoughts.”

Light could almost feel the seething look of disapproval from his father at being caught drifting. He shook his head lightly, and attempted a friendly enough expression. “Ah, forgive me Watari-san. I suppose I might still be a little tired.”

The man nodded in understanding, dipping his head in polite sympathy. “Ah, well. I have something that may help with that.” He offered a mug to the brunette, which seemed to come from the same tray that L’s sweet filled breakfast had come from. 

Light accepted it graciously, smelling that it was coffee. Upon further inspection, it was black coffee. His favorite. “Thank you.” He murmured to the butler, who simply smiled at the teen.

Turning back to his computer, he thought that maybe today wouldn’t be so bad after all. L seemed to be working, not calculating any type of revenge. And Light was attempting to obey L’s wishes, for once. He would now enjoy his caffeinated vice, and then get to work to find Kira! Coffee would surely wake him up and banish all of these anxious worries. 

But, alas. The horrible thoughts grew louder as Light pressed the mud up to his lips. *Don’t drink that!* It hissed in horror. *Watari brought it to you! L’s butler! What if he ordered him to poison it? There could be anything in that cup!*

Light, being the intellectual that he was, should have dismissed these fears. But he hastily brought the mug away from his own lips. Glaring at the beverage now clutched between his hands, Light felt paranoia creep in. Slowly filling him, making him set the coffee next to his keyboard. He couldn’t be certain that nothing had been added to the beverage, after all. It smelled of coffee, but poison could be discreet. Panic clawed within him as he realized he couldn’t be certain that any food hadn’t been touched!

*He’ll slowly poison you, through food. Everyone will think it’s an accident, a mysterious illness.* Light's eyes shifted to L, to see if the detective was watching him. But L’s gaze seemed to still be focused on the task at hand. He gulped. *Maybe, he’ll choose a poison that will make you have a heart attack! Then everyone would suspect Kira, and that would be that!*

*You can’t trust them.* Light nodded slightly at that statement, still in a daze. He knew that to be the absolute truth. *They’re all trying to kill you, to dispose of you. They think they’ll be getting rid of Kira. All of the food has surely been poisoned!* Light knew that he was in danger. His gut told him as much. Everything he did was being analyzed and sussed out. He had already been made to believe that L had signed his death certificate once. What would stop his ‘accidental' manslaughter?

Light frowned, and decided to get to work. Without his coffee. He wouldn’t give L the satisfaction of watching him willingly down poison. His thoughts agreed with him. *Everything’s tainted, nothings safe. You eat, you die.*

He could drink water through the tap, because that could not be tampered with. And he could surely go awhile without food, until he knew he was safe. Light bristled. If L thought he could take him out this easily, he was sorely mistaken.

*But he can’t know that you know!* The voice cawed at him. *He’ll try to off you another way.* And Light did openly frown at that. L would notice he wasn’t eating, because that was just how much he studied Light. And, it didn’t hurt that he was an observant individual as well. How was he meant to hide the fact that he knew his food had been laced?

*L cannot force me to eat.* He stubbornly decided. *I’ll pretend I have food poisoning, or the stomach flu! Yeah, those illnesses make you loose your appetite.*

And he had been stress eating lately. For obvious reasons. Maybe this little fast would help him, anyway.

Once it was finally lunchtime, L led his suspect to the kitchen. Light still remained quiet, he had not tried to engage L in conversation all morning. He was walking behind the raven, subdued. And he looked quite cowed, acting oh so fearful. L smiled, knowing Light could not see the wicked glee that was written all over his face. He hadn’t of expected Light to be so shaken by his earlier threats. But lo and behold, this boy was so much more compliant then he had thought.

And Light was still attracted to him, that much was made clear in the shower. He would surely not protest if L were to seduce him again. The brunette was slowly shaping into L’s vision. L was quite sure that Light felt guilty for upsetting him earlier. And he would surely make an effort to appease the detective. Now perhaps it was time to test the waters, to innate a conversation with Light. L would further his actions based on the nature of this conversation. 

“Are you hungry?” L seated himself at the island, and tried to make polite conversation. Light looked over hurriedly, obviously shocked by the change in L’s behavior. L managed to maintain his friendly expression, smiling softly at the teen.

“N-not really.” The boy finally managed. L noted that Light was regarding him with unease. He frowned internally. *Light must still be afraid from this morning.* He supposed it just still be a shock to Light, to be called out so directly. He doubted that the boy had ever had such direct confrontation with anyone else before L had entered his life.

“Really? You haven’t eaten all day.” L questioned.

“My stomach kinda hurts.* Light mumbled, taking a seat from across the detective. He stared down at his hands silently, slightly wringing them.

“Nerves?” L asked sympathetically. Light shrugged. “Is there anything soothing I could make you? For your stomach?”

Light raised his head slightly, seemingly surprised over L’s considerate offer. “No you don’t have to go to any trouble.” Light assured. “But, thank you.”

“Okay darling.” L agreed quietly. He noted Light’s slightly reddening cheeks over the nickname. “But if this unpleasantness continues, do not hesitate to tell me. I will let Watari know and he can treat you.”

Light nodded, showing that he acknowledged L’s words. But he continued to stare blankly at his hands. L frowned. “Is your stomach all that’s bothering you?”

The brunette whipped his head up, and L could clearly see the fear that was swimming in those amber eyes. “W-what do you mean?” He stammered nervously. 

“I can see it in your eyes.” L announced, coming closer to study the teen in front of him. Light, whether consciously or not, slightly backed away from him. “You seem nervous, scared.” L told him, slightly sighing.

Light’s eyes widened, and before he could school his expression he had betrayed himself. “I’m not scared!” He protested vehemently, as if his secret had just been found out. L narrowed his eyes.

“Of me?” He made his voice softer, and tentatively touched Light’s shoulder. The brunette flinched, and L knew he had hit the nail on the head. “Why? Because of this morning?"

Light shook his head an hurriedly sat down, as if to create distance between the two. “It’s nothing.” He dismissed, not sounding believable in the slightest.

The detective sighed, when had Light lost his ability to lie? Regardless, he had to sort this out. He couldn’t have the brunette so afraid of him that he refused to talk. That would only create a much larger gap between the two. “Tell me.” He commanded softly, sinking onto his elbows. He leaned towards the brunette to study his eyes, before Light averted them yet again. “You think I’m still mad at you, is that it?”

Light suddenly seemed to find his fidgeting hands rather interesting, a habit he’d developed as of late. Especially when faced with the detectives inquisitiveness. “I guess..” He lowly revealed, as if scared this confession would make L throw him into the pits of hell.

L sighed forlornly, as if this news saddened him. It didn’t, of course. If anything, the brunette’s newfound sensitiveness annoyed him. How was he ever expected to take his plan further if overtime he would discipline him Light would only grow further apart. He was supposed to grovel for forgiveness, to try and placate the detective. Not run away and hide into some mental corner. “I’m not mad at you, and I never really was.” He told him comfortingly, as if he was talking to a small child who had just been told they would have to eat their vegetables. “You just spooked me, is all. And if we are to grow closer, I cannot have you disrespecting my boundaries. Do you understand?”

Light tentatively raised his eyes to study L, as if to find any sign of deception. He would not find any, however. The only emotion that was allowed to pass over the raven’s face in this moment were worry and concern. He frowned, contemplating L’s words. 

“I only get mad at you sometimes because I…care for you.” L pretended to admit. As if to say, ‘These actions are for your own good. I only punish to teach, and if you behave you shan’t ever worry about facing my wrath again.’

“Why?” Light muttered, so quietly that the raven almost didn’t catch what had just been spoken.

“Why do I care about you?” He inquired, and Light slightly nodded his head. “It’s…hard for me to explain. I often find myself drawn to the most unlikely of sorts. But I know when I like someone. And even though these circumstances are not ideal, I do know for certain that I have feelings for you. Surely you do not need the details, for it cannot be hard to figure out why I would take such a liking to someone such as you.”

He saw Light’s eyes brighten subtly, but surely. He internally cheered, he was slowly winning him over. “But I understand that there is a power imbalance between the two of us. And I know this must be strange for you, to have a man of my age admit feelings of desire. If this truly makes you uncomfortable, tell me and I will cease my advances. The last thing I want is for you to become wary of me.”

L had no intention of doing any such thing, but it was nice to let the brunette feel as if he had a choice in the matter. And L knew he wouldn’t ask him to quit. Not now, anyway. He was already far too invested for his own good. 

“N-no that’s not it!” Light quickly assured him, making L softly smile. “You aren’t even the oldest I’ve been with, anyway..”

“Oh?” L’s ears did perk up at that. Light had had rendezvous with older men before him? How much older?

“Ehhh…that’s not important right now.” He suddenly backtracked, looking embarrassed. L nodded in faux understanding and even went as far to place on of his hands on the brunette’s. He would find out about Light’s past, all in good time. It seemed the brunette was starting to unconsciously open up. And L would only subtly encourage this, for any secrets he could learn about Light’s past would be valuable. “I um…really am sorry about this morning.” He dropped his head in shame, looking quite remorseful. 

L almost chuckled. *It’s okay dear.* He placated the younger boy. “I forgive you, and I trust that you’ll listen to me in the future.”

Light nodded in a daze, not looking completely aware of what exactly he was agreeing too. 

“Now, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?” L questioned again, thinking the brunette’s fear was long gone.

Light looked hesitant in his answer, but then shook his head. “My stomach still feels uneasy.” The thought of L’s earlier words ‘….you poison me…’ still rang loud inside of his head. Had that been a warning?

L just nodded back. “Okay, just let me know if there’s anything you need.” He turned around to make himself his own cup of tea. He assumed that the brunette’s mood would improve, come this evening.

Come night, the gnawing inside of his stomach had almost become unbearable. This was hardly the longest he had ever gone with food, but it was still painful all in the same. usually food would be sparse when he couldn’t get out of bed. Or in his confinement, where he hadn’t had the strength to do anything other than stare at the blank walls. But especially after exerting so much energy on the Kira case today, he was exhausted. 

They had found a lead that one of the people to die very early on had been a teacher who was accused of molestation. He had gotten off due to lack of evidence, but Kira had taken care of the rest. Unfortunately, this teacher had been employed at a neighboring high school to Light’s. This didn’t exactly paint him in the most innocent light. Regardless, in his mind this only further solidified the fact that he was being framed. For if Kira was setting him up to take the fall, it would have to be someone who knew Light quite well.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t of had many friends in high school. He preferred to keep to himself. Maybe he had a stalker? Light had gone over countless school year books and tried to suss out any potential Kira’s. That was hard to do, unfortunately. Since looks could be deceiving he couldn’t exactly base his suspicion off something as shallow as that. And again he hadn’t of even known any of the students his age, anyways.

Without even going to the bathroom, he slumped down onto the bed. He heard the chain rustling and felt L sit near his head. Huh, that was surprising.

“Is Light not going to prepare himself for bed?” Came L’s inquiry and Light cringed, sounds were much to loud for him at this moment. 

“I’m…tired.” He mumbled, trying to stifle a yawn. “Too tired.”

He then felt L start to stroke his hair, and he froze. “I know of a way to liven you up.” He purred.

Light shifted onto his back to look up at the man, and he was met with a pair of lips. Trying to not feel to despondent, he returned the other’s affections.

*It doesn’t matter if you're tired.* He told himself. *L will use you as he sees fit. You should know your role well enough by now.*

The touches to his skin feel like uncaring. Or maybe that’s in his mind. He allows his protective layer to be unearthed, thrown to the ground. He allows himself to be exposed, to be laid bare. He allows for himself to be taken how L wants, because that’s all he can do now. And, honestly, that’s all he knew he was good for. 

And you’ll let him and enjoy it, won’t you?

You won’t stop him.

Because, this is how you cope?

This is how you lived. 

You’ll let your dignity and pride be stripped away. You’ll allow his talons to sink into your flesh and mare you. 

You’ll allow your soul to be sullied further.

Your flawless facade is no longer here. Here you are nothing but your true self.

Weak.

Imperfect.

Depraved.

Destroyed.

Everything is gone. It’s all gone. Nothing in this world could make what you are feeling okay.

It all feels wrong. While last night he felt pleasure, it has all been replaced by pain. L is going to kill him, he knows this. He is going to poison his insides and ruin his soul. 

*Monsters, all of them.* He recites and he is roughly taken. Maybe it’s not even that harsh, he can’t tell. But everything feels like torment in this moment. Especially since the weakest part of his being knows how much he likes this. That these immoral feelings are what help his mind still. How now he can only focus in this one singular task. And no matter how hurtful to his pride, it soothes the loudness of his thoughts.

He wants to imagine the detective as a lover, though he knows this thought is foolish. No, L may think he wants Light but it’s really only because he’s just another pretty face. The case must be boring him so. Light wonders if he does this with all of his suspects.

He is on his stomach, with his eyes shut tight. Flashes on light dance in his darken vision as he is pushed forward. Roughly. Every thrust sends a thrill up his spine and a dagger into his heart. He wants to fist the bedsheets in-between his hands just to feel something, but he much too tired. The only reason he has not succumbed to slumber is because of the activity down below. He feels slightly cationic, in a sense paralyzed. Drool spills from his mouth and he can hear the pathetic whimpers that are being uttered. He knows they are his, but he doesn’t like the sound. No, they are to needy. They portray his wanton lust, his begging to be fulfilled. They make him feel that much more weakened. 

And L is silent, the entire time. Like he is judging him.

Hands grip onto his hips and he tries not to dwell on the unsightly bruises that will surely form. No one will see them, anyway. If hidden from sight, it is almost like they don’t exist at all. They are his and his alone to bear. Isn’t it all just so fitting?

And as L finishes, Light knows he is in trouble. He stews in the sadness, in the despair. He feels estranged from his being. He is lost in the sensations of numbness. He feels a heaviness pulling his body down, his tired mind begging him for escape to dreamland. Where everything can be viewed through rose-colored glasses. Unless you stumble into the wrong part of town. This is what he tells his stubborn brain. He doesn’t want to fall asleep yet, he is afraid of the nightmares. But how can he be sure he isn’t already living in one? It all feels like a fever dream. 

As long as L finds him attractive, Light will stay alive. He must continue to entice the man, for he does not want to die.

Not really.


	4. My Loathsome Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! This chapter is a little all over the place (in my opinion) and I apologize for that. I think next chapter I'll definitely include more dialogue. Right now it's that awkward time of slowly inserting clues and little events that will be explored more in-depth later. This chapter gives more insight into what exactly L is planning, as well as a faint shimmer of...guilt? If you squint hard enough, it's there lolz. L isn't thinking about that too much. And poor Light is in that awkward in between period of deciding whether to trust L or not. The manipulation is starting to take a toll, though. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this chapter! As always, reviews and feedback make me ooh so happy, I appreciate them dearly:)

“L!-Er, I mean Ryuzaki! I think I’ve found something.”

Of all the things L had anticipated for that day, Matsuda making a discovery wasn’t one of them. While L had said in the beginning that he was somewhat desperate for help, Touta Matsuda wasn’t exactly the help he had in mind. The man was good for fetching coffee and sorting paperwork, so L let him stay. 

L was silent, however he nodded to Matsuda to confirm he had heard him and to continue. 

“So, I know this girl right? I mean like we’re…not dating, just hanging out? But it’s a little more serious then that at least in my opinion. She just asked me to meet her parents so that means something, right? Is that like her saying-“

“Matsuda.” L interrupted, glaring at that rambling rookie. “Does this have any relevance to the Kira case?”

Matsuda blushed and bowed his head like a cowed dog. “Sorry Ryuzaki. I guess I got a bit off track, heh. Anyway this girl I know, she’s a teacher. And she happens to teach at Light’s old high school.”

Light’s ears perked up at this comment. Oh no, was this more falsified evidence to link him to Kira? He hardly even remembered any of his teachers, anyway. Were they bad-mouthing him? *No, that’s impossible. I was always the teachers pet, a model student. I can’t imagine one bad thing they’d have to say about me.*

Still, he decided to listen in on the conversation. Just incase he’d have to suddenly defend himself from more baseless accusations. 

“And she started telling me stories about her students. The ones who were misbehaving and such. And just this morning, she told me about this one student who usually didn’t misbehave. So, it was odd to her. ALSO, she told me this not over the phone. But because she spent the night. Heh.” Matsuda attempted to wink suggestively, but all this earned him was a sour look. 

“Erm…anyway.” he hastily continued, not wanting to be scolded again. “But I guess somehow a discussion of Kira arose in this class. And most of the students were for him, which isn’t too suspicious considering their age and how the number of supporters for Kira is growing. But this one kid I guess hated Kira. Because he had killed his dad. So he was all ‘fuck Kira’ and ‘he’s not justice, just a bully.’ Y’know, shitting all over him basically. And then this other kid, I guess he got really offended. Like he was like REALLY mad. And none of the other students who supported Kira were mad, I think they probably didn’t care. But THIS kid was so mad, apparently he instigated a full blown brawl with this other student. Like he started whaling on the poor schmuck."

“A Kira supporter with anger issues isn’t a discovery, Matsuda.” L stated dryly, turning back to his monitor. “I’m sure he wasn’t happy about his ‘idol’s’ name being drug through the mud. Bullies fight others who don’t agree with them, that’s why they are labeled bullies.”

“But no, that’s why it was weird.” Matsuda continued earnestly. “Shiori, that’s her name by the way. Hot, isn’t it? Shiori told me that this kid was always quiet and respectful. He had never even been sent to the principles office before. He was a model student who always kept to himself. Kind of like Light in that sense. So it surprised her when he went all beast mode! Because it wasn’t like him. Tell me that isn’t strange.”

And Light DID find this strange. Being a model student himself, he couldn’t imagine starting a full-on brawl with anyone over anything. Especially over a criminal. 

“What was his name?” He suddenly asked, turning his chair to face Matsuda. Maybe if Light knew the identity of this student, he would be able to deduce whether that activity was cause for concern. 

“Oh! Shoot! Uhhh…dammit, and I told myself I wouldn’t forget his name!” Matsuda frowned deeply, crossing his arms and looking like a child who had just had his candy taken. “Ummm…I know it, it’s on the tip of my tongue! Let’s see…”

Light sighed and continued to impatiently stare at the man. He had to restrain himself from tapping his foot. He should’ve known that Matsuda wouldn’t be able to remember something as simple as a name. And how was Light to even consider this possibility, without knowing the exact identity of the suspect?

‘Yamamoto!” Matsuda suddenly exclaims brightly, snapping his fingers in the process. He looked like the cat who just got the cream, and Light nearly rolled his eyes. Matsuda was quite a theatric person and that bothered Light. Especially this early in the morning. 

But that name….it rings a few bells? Just not any bells he can place at the moment. There is familiarity there, though. 

“Well, thank you for that Matsuda.” L stated flatly. “But I think a overly enthusiastic teenager is the least of our worries.”

This statement annoyed Light for a variety of reasons. L wasn’t even going to consider the lead? It had taken less for him to suspect Light! Not to mention, Light was pretty desperate. Anything not considered relatively normal was going to make that person a suspect. 

“Well, why not?” Light tried his hardest to make his inquiry sound polite. “We should look into any possible lead, no matter how insignificant. Right?”

“It’s not a crime to support Kira, Light.” L sighed, not even turning to face him. “If it was we’d have to arrest half of Japan.”

Light felt his eye twitch, but continued on. He was not about to drop this lead so easily. Especially since it was the only one he had had in days. “But is it really so unbelievable that Kira would hide in plain sight? As a Kira supporter?”

“The percent of that scenario is less than twenty percent.” L informed him sourly. “Kira likely wouldn’t be as brazen as to praise himself openly. While Kira might challenge me, he does so in the shadows.”

Light continued to glare at L, before slowly turning back to his own monitor. “Well, whatever.” He shot back bitterly. “I can still look into it. And if I happen to be right and I find Kira before you do, I’ll laugh right in your face!”

“Of course Light-kun.” L muttered. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

“Uh well….so that information helped?” Matsuda stuttered and Light nearly jumped. He had forgotten Matsuda was still standing behind him. 

“It might.” He answered impassively. “Tell your girlfriend or whatever to keep watching that kid, though.”

“Will do!” To his horror, Matsuda actually saluted him before waltzing away. Light nearly face palmed. He still had no idea how Matsuda had managed to end up on the Kira task force. 

Turning back to his computer, he typed in the name Matsuda had provided him with. In an instant, the information of the student popped up. After laying his eyes on the student ID picture, he knew exactly why that name sounded familiar.

Oh, Light had known him.

Not very well, of course. Light never knew anyone intimately, and no one could ever claim they had made an acquaintance with the true Light Yagami. But Light had tutored this student. He had been a year below him, and Light had helped him with math comprehension. That was it, wasn’t it?

*No, it was english class.* His brain reminded him.

Yes, Light had tutored many students back in high school. Mainly to earn extra money, but it also didn’t hurt to have the other teachers rain appreciativeness down on him for his helpfulness. Plus, it was a hobby to get through the day. It was a means to cure his boredom, not that it was very successful. Because he already found school much to easy. Helping others who weren’t as intellectually gifted as him almost physically pained him. It baffled him that others could be so inept about matters that were almost second nature to him. He had only tutored these other students for half of the school year.

But, back to his relationship with this particular student. Yamamoto. Light began to rack his brain for details, but came up short. It probably wasn’t helped that his stomach was distracting him with its aching. Yes, the only thing he had had in the past thirty two hours was a bag of chips his father had brought him. And that was only because those were sealed shut so Light knew L couldn’t of tampered with them. But he luckily hadn’t gown concerned about Light’s lack of appetite.

Yet.

All he knew about Yamamoto was he was still in high school, he lived close to Light’s house, and that he hadn’t been able to speak english very well. Except, that had changed when Light finished tutoring him. Light never failed at anything, so of course even on the daftest of his peers he had managed to make an impact towards their education. He also remembered Yamamoto trying to hang out with him after school hours and before study sessions. He only remembered this because many of his other ‘clients’ had tried the same. Only to be politely declined by one of Light’s many fake obligations. He had no use for friends, after all. 

So, nothing suspicious there. Light almost visibly deflated, but still saved the boys information. His intuition had told him something was off, and his intuition was hardly ever wrong.

Maybe there was something there. Maybe not. But Light felt that he was close to something. 

“Aren’t you going to answer that?"

Light grimaces, realizing he forgot to turn his phone on silent. He gets many calls these days, but ignores them all. They are mainly acquaintances asking when he will be back in college. They only wonder because they want to date him or cheat off his homework. But what’s he to tell them? That he is being held hostage? No, ignoring these busybody’s is the best course of action. But since L is staring at him so quizzically, he knows he should answer this call. Lest this somehow makes him more suspicious in the detective’s eyes.

And he must admit, he is morbidly curious to what the caller wants. Especially because he thought he had dried his hands of this man long ago. Sighing, he reluctantly answers the phone call of doom.

“What do you want, Teru?” He groans, trying to make it clear how unwelcome Mikami’s presence is in his life. They didn’t even date! Though not for a lack of trying on Mikami’s part. Why had he sought after him again?

Oh yeah. He was desperate and had a thing for older men. Also, he had been morbidly depressed at the time and was looking for something to fill the void. 

“Hey Light how have you been?” Mikami’s voice grates into his ear. “I haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

“I’ve been busy.” Light replied shortly. It wasn’t a lie, of course. The Kira case was all he was doing nowadays, it was impossible to have any free time with his current situation.

“Of course, of course. College kid stuff, right?” Mikami chuckled. “But…you haven’t been answering my calls. That’s new.”

*Is it?* Is what Light wanted to snap. Why was Mikami grilling him now of all times? “I….I’m sorry? I thought we were going to leave things as they were.” He replied slowly, not wanting to give too much away. L had wanted him to leave the phone on speaker, after all. It was customary that any phone call Light answered L would be listening in as well.

“But I miss you.” He drawled, making Light’s skin heat up.

“Teru..Mikami, I told you I didn’t want to talk to you anymore.” Light muttered. “I don’t do the whole ‘relationship’ thing, you know that.”

“Why so quiet, Light?” Mikami has picked up on his whispering, shit. “Is daddy nearby?”

Light bit his cheek harshly. Someone was nearby alright. “No, but he can be if you don’t delete this number.” He hissed, turning slightly away from L’s watchful gaze. “Do I really have to get the police involved?”

“You wouldn’t do that.” Mikami laughed. “No, because then you’d have to explain how you know me. Which I know you’ll never come clean about.”

“It would be a lot worse for you than me, Teru.” Light bit out harshly. “In case you’ve forgotten, you’re thirty two. I was sixteen when we met. I wasn’t doing anything illegal and if I have to I will get a restraining order.”

“And risk daddy’s wrath?” The man snickered, making Light’s blood boil.

“Better than having an obsessed stalker.” He snapped. 

“And at any rate.” Mikami continued on, ignoring Light’s insult. “You lied to me about your age. I was a victim.”

“Ha! Please, a victim?” Light couldn’t keep the malice out of his tone. Mikami knew exactly how to push his buttons and make the brunette loose his mind. “Even after you knew I was underage, you still came back.”

“As did you.” Mikami countered. “If you hate me so much Light, why did our relationship last for two years?”

“Please it wasn’t anything like that. It was…sex.” Light hissed out that last word lowly, hating the fact that L could hear every lewd detail. He couldn’t help it though, Mikami deserved to be called out. “And like it was a steady two years. I was confused and-“

“Now who’s playing the victim?” Mikami asked mockingly. “You knew exactly what you were doing, Light. Don’t be like this.”

“I have to go.” Light could feel his hand flexing over the phone, wanting to snap it in two. “I have company.” L was considered company, right? “You know I have the videos….don’t make me send them. Just leave me alone, alright? I’m done with all of that. And I’ll have you know…I-I have a girlfriend now! So I’m really done, don’t bother me again Teru.”

“Oh ok, blackmail.” Mikami laughed spitefully. “Whatever, you’re all talk. But you want to pretend you’re a grade A citizen, the perfect fucking schoolboy? I know you’ll come crawling back one day, so I’ll bid my time. But you’re kidding yourself Light. And furthermore-“ He suddenly lowered his voice, taking on a much more threatening tone that made Light gulp. “If you ever threaten to ruin my career again, I’ll fucking kill you. You know I have my ways. Don’t be a brat, remember how well that worked out for you last time?”

“Don’t fool yourself, you’re a boy trying to win at a man’s game. But someone as smart as you should know when to lay down their weapons, otherwise it won’t be pleasant for anyone involved.” And with that, the line went dead.

Light stayed frozen with the phone pressed to his ear for a few moments, reflecting on that horrible conversation. Of course that fool would mention murder in front of L himself! No, this wasn’t good at all. Even if it was a joke, L wouldn’t see it that way. And Light himself very much doubted that Mikami was joking, or even bluffing. That man was unhinged and the sole reason that Light had deleted his anonymous dating profile. He had mostly killed off any desire Light had to go and meet older men. He had been too afraid after everything.

After Teru, Light had found Misa and decided that this was a safer route. 

But now, L would surely question him about the nature of his relationship with this man. And Light did not want to divulge his lewd behaviors to the so-called ‘face of justice’.

“And just who was that?” Andddd here it comes. 

“An old friend.” Light answers passively. He naively hopes L will drop the subject, but he knows better.

“Hm. He didn’t sound very friendly.” L said knowingly, making Light bristle. Of course L wouldn’t have bought that. Taking Light’s hand, the raven leads him to the bed. Sitting down, he pats the space next to himself. 

“It’s okay, Light. You can talk to me about anything.” L said softly, even showing Light a soft smile. Light had to resist the urge to blush. It wasn’t often he saw L smile, after all. And whenever the man chose to do so, it filled Light with an odd bubbly feeling. “If that man is harassing you, you can tell me.”

“N-no it’s not that.” Light stuttered, taking a seat next to the detective. He awkwardly fiddled with his hands and sighed. He obviously didn’t want to reveal all of his darkest secrets to L, but he was being rather nice at the moment. And what could it hurt, anyway? L already had quite the low opinion of him, believing that he was Kira and all. 

“He…was an old hook-up.” He reluctantly let out. “But it’s not like we were dating! Because, I don’t do that…anyway. I thought it was only going to be a one time thing but, I kept going back. I don’t know why I just…got in too deep.” Light ducked his head, thoroughly embarrassed. 

“And he was older, was he not?” L prods, disgust lacing his words. “Did he ever hurt you, Light?”

“I-it wasn’t like that.” The brunette hurriedly reassures. “I…it was something I was into at the time. You could call it a perverse hobby, I guess. He um…wasn’t the only one.”

“Oh?” L sounds surprised.

“Y-yeah. It might have started out lecherous, from their perspective. But I was always the one in control.” Light tells him, still not daring to meet the other’s eyes. “Go ahead, laugh and say that I have daddy issues. I’ve already accepted that I’m pretty fucked up when it comes to intimacy.”

“I would never mock you.” L murmurs. “But you must know that those activities are not safe.”

“Well, I know that. I always have.” Light defends, annoyed at the insinuation that he is nothing more than a naive schoolboy. “It helped to fill the void inside of myself, is all.” He bites his tongue after these revealing words leave his lips. He fills harsh embarrassment fill him to the brim. He knows that L will diagnose him even further now, and possibly raise Light’s Kira percentage because he has almost verbatim said that he feels empty. 

L takes a few moments before he speaks again. And when he does, he moves closer to Light and softly takes his hand inside of his own. Light almost melts at the sensation at the newest object of his desires lovingly cradling his hand. It is a rather intimate gesture, one that gives safety. The silent words that are spoken through this act make Light gulp, and his heart hammers dangerously inside of his chest. “Why do you feel as if you have a void within yourself?” L asks softly.

Not demanding, not interrogating. Light detects no ulterior motives in L’s question. The man simply wants to know. 

“I don’t know.” Light whispers. “And that’s the worst part. I feel empty and there’s no cause for the emptiness it simply…is.”

L studies him and Light takes advantage of the silence to peer into his charcoal eyes. He is surprised of the understanding that comes from L’s eyes. It seems that for the first time, L is looking at him. Truly seeing Light for who he is. Not as Kira or some object of desire, but as his very being. The thought makes Light’s head spin and he forces those musings out of his mind, swallowing loudly. 

“Sorry.” He breaks the silence. “I didn’t mean….erm, to say all of that. It’s dumb teenage stuff, forget it.”

But L’s grip on his hand tightens in a reassuring manner. “Light, you know better than to dismiss yourself like that.” The raven murmurs. 

Light’s ears burn because of his exposure and he coughs awkwardly. “I just don’t want this to change your opinion of me.”

“Never.” L promises. “I still see before me the same man I desire, but now I know how much strength he holds inside.”

Light’s ears perk up at this, and he glances sideways at L. “Strength?” He half-laughs.

“Indeed.” L affirms. “I myself deal with those loathsome feelings, feelings like you’ve described. I know how tiresome it can become, but never have I seen you affected by it.”

“I’ve learned to hide those feelings.” Light reveals, again without thinking. “They don’t get you very far in life.”

“But they are not a weakness.” L tells him. “And there is something, mystifying about your transparency. You see, I’ve always seen Light as a perfect person.”

“Besides suspecting me of murder.” Light interrupts, not really meaning too. He can feel L’s annoyed glare burning into his person. “Sorry, continue.”

L is silent for a few moments, before returning to his previous statement. “I can now see exactly the type of person Light is. And he continues to pull me in, he continues to occupy my mind. I feel that now more than ever I have been privileged to see who you really are. I’m guessing that most only know you to be this facade, this perfect citizen. And while you are fetching and have impeccable manners, what draws me in most is your mind. And I’m guessing that I am the only individual alive to be privy to your innermost thoughts. It…entices me more than I can express. And I think your confessional tonight has somehow made me grow even more smitten.”

“Huh?” Light looks back at the detective in shock, blinking. He has just told L one of his most depressing secrets, not to mention his hidden shame, and the detective isn’t running away in fear? He is chastising or mocking or suspecting him? No, he is drawn in? “You…mean that?”

“I never lie, not to you.” L lies sweetly. “I am so besotted with you that every passing day I find that I simply cannot imagine you as Kira. Because someone as captivating as you, someone as good-hearted as yourself couldn’t possibly be the monster we are chasing, right? No, I feel it impossible that I could’ve allowed myself to become smitten with a killer.”

Light feels his throat closing as some foreign emotion wells up in his chest. Confusion? Happiness? Surprise? Affection? Light needs to make sure he isn’t misunderstanding L’s words. Because…is he saying that he believes Light might be innocent after all? And furthermore…he does care for him? “You…have doubts?” Is all he can manage out, looking at the man hopefully.

“Perhaps you were framed.” L admits. “But there must be something else at play here. I feel that you could never, on any good conscience, have acted as Kira.”

Light doesn’t mean to blush, but he feels his face burn anyway. He squeezes L’s hand back, and allows himself to bestow upon the detective a small smile. 

“But Light?” L suddenly speaks again. “Can you promise me one thing?”

Light is so hazy with all of these newfound emotions, he doesn’t really process the nature of L’s request. “Okay.”

“Promise me you will not fraternize with these…perverts anymore.” L all but spits, staring into his eyes imploringly. “It is quite dangerous.”

“I know.” Light bows his head in shame. “It’s why I started dating Misa, after Mikami. I knew I had to have a normal relationship…and I did get caught up in some rather nasty business.”

“You don’t need Misa, Light.” L tells him, moving closer. “Because you have me now. Understand, you’re mine?”

Light’s eyes widen considerably, and before he can even process this heavy declaration, L’s saccharine lips are upon his. He makes a low moaning noise in the back of his throat, to attempt to convey a fraction of what he is feeling. As L’s hands find their way to the back of his head an pull him in even closer, he melts into the affection he is being given. He allows his lips to mesh with the others, he allows his tongue to graze his mouth and lick at him sweetly. He leans in even further to L’s touch, relishing the glee that fills him wholly. 

L sighs contentedly into the kiss. He gently pushes Light down onto his back and climbs on him to continue his ministrations. This is by far the easiest part of his plan. For Light is not at all unattractive. If he wasn’t Kira, L probably would have pursued him as a genuine partner. And not to mention, the detective loves his mind. For L can admit that they are the same in many ways. He is fond of Light’s thoughts, and how easy it is to converse with the man. L does indeed feel less lonely with Light’s presence, for he views the brunette as his equal in many ways. In another life, if things were different, maybe he would’ve even…

But no, that isn’t important. Fantasies will get him nowhere. And L is much too wise to allow himself to fall for doe eyes. L is investigating Kira, and his plan is going along swimmingly. Light has already given him so many of his secrets, so many of his private feelings. He knows the boy is growing closer to him, he can feel it radiating off of him. 

From the ways that he pushes into the detective. From the was he coquettishly moans, to his little sighs of contentment. From the way he gazes into L’s eyes. L can read the hopefulness in them, and the growing affection. He knows Light is growing less wary of him every passing day. He knows that this traumatized and confused child wants so desperately to believe that the man he is in forced cohabitation with loves him. And he now knows that Light also has an inclination for older men. L really could not have planned this more perfectly. 

*Let Light believe I love him, he is surprisingly naive in the world of romance.* L thinks wickedly as he presses small kisses into his younger's neck. *To think, that he is falling for my deception this quickly? Or maybe I’m just that good?*

Either way, it matters not. L has broken through something in Light, and that has made him vulnerable to attack. While Light used to always be on the offensive with the raven, his attentions have changed that dramatically. It won’t be long know until L triggers his memories of Kira.

As he tugs off his garments, he goes over his next move. He knows that Kira’s power have not stopped, and that they have gone to another. Today Aizawa found a rather interesting connection between some businessmen.

*Of course the well off would want to exploit those wretched powers.* L thinks sourly as he whispers soft nothings into Light’s ear. As he needs his fingers through Light’s hair to push him downwards, he ponders just how exactly to find these repressed memories. He knows that the confinement triggered this amnesia, but he doubts sending Light back to jail would be at all productive. What if he represses further? And there is no logical reason for Light’s imprisonment to present the task force with. Additionally, this will just bring Light’s mistrust of him back with a vengeance. 

And it isn’t like he can suggest hypnotherapy either, though L hardly believes in those practices anyway. Light would see it as a betrayal, and accuse L of trying to force a confession out of him. He could try drugging him in his sleep? Maybe he would have vivid nightmares of his Kira days. Or perhaps-

*Ah!* L hisses and throws his head back when Light performs an unexpected move involving his tongue. He feels his lower muscles clench and a sweet fog worms through his mind. *No, focus Lawliet. This is for his sake, not yours.* L is mildly embarrassed that he allowed his train of thought to be broken with a simple blowjob. 

Anyway, where was he? *Oh yes, Light’s memories.* Most importantly, he needs to brunette to trust him without a sliver of doubt. He needs to convince Light that he is his confidant, and that he will not persecute him even if he is Kira.

*I promise, I won’t tell a soul. I just want to know if you are Kira, Light. Can’t you be honest with me? I have tried my hardest to be honest with you. I swear I will not lower my opinion of you if you are Kira. And I will certainly not send you into the law's vengeful arms, where you are certain to perish. No, I will protect you. You know how powerful I am, I will make sure no one else ever finds out you were Kira. I just need you to tell me, can you do that?*

Ah just like he did to B. And a few other rather unimportant killers, who cracked under L’s seduction way too easily. 

L allows for his mind to go blank for a few seconds as he rides out his orgasm. Once he has gotten those raging waves of pleasure under control, he pulls Light into another searing kiss. *Is there anyway I could subliminally remind him?* L thinks again as he reaches for the lubricant. *I could coerce him into a discussion of Kira’s morals. Finding out just how much he agrees with him could be telling. Also, perhaps the more he reflects on Kira the more he will remember.*

L interrupts his own musing to gaze at Light’s face. The brunette is staring back at him with half lidded eyes, lust clouding them prettily. His face is flushed the prettiest shade of soft pink and his bruised lips are parted sensually. He takes in a few shallow breathes, before reaching up to lightly kiss him. L freezes, before softly kissing back. As Light lays his head back onto the pillow, his eyes look upon him with so much emotion that for a moment L feels ill. For a moment the guilt hits him full force. He knows what he is doing is horrible, and that clarity almost makes him stop. He feels no better than B. Because, what if Light is innoce-

*No!* He forcibly scolds himself, and continues to caress the boys cheek softly. *He is Kira, there’s no doubt about it.* L has no sympathy for murderers, they deserve none of his humanity. Him and Light are playing a game, that’s all this is. And sooner or later, Light’s innocence will fade away and he will remember that he is Kira. And L will catch him and sentence him to death. Manipulating his suspects emotions against them is what works, it always has. It’ll all make sense in the end, 

He enters the boy with care, studying his reactions the whole time. Nothing Light says or does during sex necessarily makes him Kira, of course. But the raven finds it most fascinating to watch his facial expressions, to hear his moans. He never would have though Kira would be so willing to be a uke, to allow L to take full control. Of course, Light has no memories at the moment. Would Kira want to be more dominant? Would he be the one taking L? L believes that without a doubt in his mind. But these roles are nicer, these nighttime activities cater to L’s more sadist side. He loves to watch Kira, who believes himself to be a god among men, writhe under him in pleasure. He loves how easy his body gives into L, giving him full control. He has tamed Kira, and he is the one that truly owns him. 

Light’s wanton whimpers and moans spur him one further, making him burn with an insane fire. He watches the brunette bite his lip and feels a white-hot pleasure run through his veins. Light adores him, and he is bringing Light to his doom. He will break Kira, and his pride. No one else but L could do it, of course. And it is oh so easy for him to do so. Because this isn’t even all that difficult. He can pretend he is only fucking Light for the case, to make him fall in love. But he’ll never admit that he loves this as much as Light, perhaps more. He’ll never admit that Light is the most beautiful angel he has deceived into crawling into bed with him. He’ll never admit that this feeling of power, of control, feeds him into gluttony. No, because that would be rather twisted to admit. But he silently acknowledges these urges that he craves. 

For no one can control L. Not Light, not Wammy, not the law, not even B. L takes what he wants. 

And as he finishes and looks down at Light with all tell-tale traces of post-coital bliss in his eyes, he knows he has taken Light. He owns him and will until the day of his execution arrives. And then, perhaps even after death he will still own the brunette’s soul. 

Light is so fatigued that all he can manage is to give L a blissed out smile, before he sinks into sleep. And this is fine by L, for now he can return to his true self. And he will spend tonight finding the fake Kira, the one who has taken Light’s powers. (Or received them?) 

But he will capture this imposter, for he clearly isn’t as smart as Light. L doubts anyone besides himself is. And then, he will corner Light. It’s almost a shame that the case is proceeding so rapidly, and in his favor. He almost wishes there were more challenges, and that Light still had his memories. Light would be a much more cunning beast to battle if he were still Kira. But, this is fine. He will enjoy it while it lasts. 

Upon regaining consciousness, Light is confused. He is no longer nestled safely next to L in their lavish king sized bed. He is no longer tucked underneath satin sheets and downy comforters. No, he is somewhere entirely different. Where this new place is, he cannot tell. Why is he here? Where is L? Raising his wrist, he finds that the handcuff has vanished. He is indeed alone in this strange place. How did he get here again?

For miles and miles, all he can see is an absolute grayness. His surroundings are muddled and he cannot distinguish anything. A harsh wind hits him, almost knocking him to the ground. It chills his very bones and urges him to move forward. He begins to walk, but not run. He doesn’t want to give this fear inside of himself any credit. Blood rushes through his ears and he feels faint. Something is wrong with this scene, he can tell. He somehow knows that he is in danger, and that he must escape. 

He can’t tell if he’s walking, through this strange wasteland. Is he floating? Is he being dragged? His surroundings, or lack thereof, pass him in a blur. Is it growing warmer, or colder? Where s the sunlight? 

A twisted tree appears before him. It is an inky black that seems to bleed towards him. It’s colossal branches creak each time the wind rips through them. It’s desolate branches are pulled back and forth, and seem to reach towards him. Stumbling back until he falls on his backside, the monstrous tree suddenly disappears. It is replaced with a fork in the road. There’s a road now?

Two signs lie at the foot of each road. A decision. And while this could perhaps help provide some clarity of what he’s doing here, it does not. For the signs are near unreadable, all of the words huddle together to make out an inane form of scribbles. The words seem to twist and turn, constantly misshaping. No? Return? Is that what the words are? Back? Escape? Go?

He’s started walking down one of the paths. Wait, huh? Which path did he choose? He can’t remember. Did he choose the right one? What if it was the wrong path....he tries to turn back but the road behind him has disappeared. The only thing that lies behind him is a gaping darkness. He tries to hurry along the road, not wanting the darkness to swallow him whole. 

The twisted road to nothingness suddenly led to a small clearing. Fog clouded his sense, covering everything in a cloak of grey. He can barely see the withered grass beneath his feet, which seems to be the only solid mass he can set his eyes upon. Looking around, he feels utterly alone. He has the strong urge to scream, but knows that nothing would hear him. Nothing good anyway.

He suddenly gets the strong urge that he must be quiet, to try and hide himself inside of this fog as long as possible. He feels that something is watching him, and that that something is waiting for him to make a move. He turns around, quickly, but only sees more fog. There is nothing around him, that he can see. But the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, alerting him of another presence. This presence hangs upon him heavily, heavier than the mist surrounding him. He can feel it’s evilness enveloping him, and all he wants to do is hide. But where? Where in the desolate wasteland could he find shelter? This thing lives here, at any rate. It would surely find Light no matter where he decided to hide. No, whatever brought him here brought him here for a purpose. He somehow knows this. And he knows it’s intentions are sinister. 

Crunching. Crunching is all he hears from behind him. He wants to turn around, out of morbid curiosity to finally lay eyes on whatever has been watching him. He can feels it’s scathing gaze. But he can’t move, his feet are frozen solid to the ground. His neck is stiff and forces his gaze onwards. It’s getting closer, and closer, and…oh God how he wishes that his legs would work. He feels his heartbeat stutter erratically and grinds his teeth. It takes all of his might to not let out a pleading wail, but if he opened his mouth would the frozen words even be able to exit his throat? The steps are closer, and dread swallows him whole. He thinks he can hear something breathing, and it sounds animalistic.

And then, the movement stops. A silence fills the air. But it’s too quiet, the calm before the storm. The silence pierces him and unnerves him to his very core.

His legs seem to work again, and he suddenly swings around to investigate. Whether this is the wisest move or not, he hardly cares in this moment. But there is no creature, no being behind hm. Only more fog. And nothing hinting at life moves behind the fog, it is still. And it’s quiet, too quiet…

He takes a step backwards and something grabs his shoulder roughly. Panic seizes his heart and he lets out a furious wail. His heart is beating in his throat and he knows he is caught. Before he can attempt any kind of escape, the hand slightly drags him backwards. He can feel something like talons or fingernails digging into his skin, as the hand clutches onto him in a death grip. It spins him around and he comes face to face with a nightmarish vision. He realizes he must be in hell, for he has come face to face with a demon. He opens his mouth to scream again, but no sound comes out. 

The thing has red eyes, that is the first attribute that Light is able to register. This blood red eyes glare wickedly at him, hinting that this monster is amused in a perverse sort of way. They bore into his soul, making him feel as if it is being sucked out of himself. The demon is a blueish back color, and it’s body is horribly skinny. Bones protrude everywhere and chains hang off of it’s decrepit form. A cruel smile stretches horribly over it’s misshapen face. And a row of early white razors smile down at him, inviting him to try and escape. If he can. But the demon knows he won’t, it knows that it’’s captured him. A smell of sulfur burns his nose, and Light wonders when he died. Because after seeing this sight, surely it must be because he is some sort of spiritual realm. No alive man could possibly live to tell the tale of this horrible beast. But why is he here again? Why has this monster stolen him away?

He wants L.

The demon starts laughing, a rather disturbing noise. It’s not even really laughing, if you could hear the sound there would be no boisterous amusement laced within the tone. No, this is a hollow and wicked cackle, that promises doom to anyone unfortunate enough to hear it. It’s body trembles as it shakes with giggles, it’s eyes glaring dangerously into him. Light suspects that it wants him to speak, to show fear and to beg for why he is here. To plead for answers. But his lips stay tightly shut, and his legs have resumed their frozenness. 

It holds up it’s clawed hand, and a book suddenly appears. Light can see the pages flapping in the wind. A chill runs down his spin as the book seems to call to him, beckoning him towards it. It promises good fortune, but only if he is willing to sacrifice everything. It wants to pull him in, it wants to change his very being…is this the book of truth?

“It’s yours.” The demons hisses, speaking to Light for the first time. It’s blue lips twist into a cruel smirk. 

“M-mine?” He finds his voice, questioning the demon in spite of his fear. Because he needs answer, and this thing is the only one who can provide them. “I don’t want it.” He confesses. Because this all seems like a trap. 

“You do.” The demon argues. “I know you, Kira.”

Light freezes, all of the blood rushes to his face. “No!” He shakes his head vehemently, denying this horrid accusation. Because while L’s suspicions hurt him and put him on edge, the demons words haunt him. It says this statement with finality, as if there should be no question to the words. Like he knows Light is Kira, like he knows the truth. 

The demons cackles yet again, and holds the book up to his face. Light instinctively shrinks back, but feels that something is blocking him from moving any further. It feels like a tree. When did that appear? he wants to look back, but he cannot. He just can’t. He can only stare at the book, as the demon opens it wide. And a mirror is what appears. A mirror, inside of a book. How peculiar is that? But that’s not all. Light can see his reflection.

And what a reflection it is. Fear bubbles up inside of his throat as he swallows a scream. Alarm drips from his pores as he stares back at his face in horror. Except, it’s not his face. His face as he knows it has disappeared, and has been replaced with something else entirely. Blood runs from his eyes, turning them black. His skins peels off, and is replaced with the bleached bones of a skull. His lips disintegrate into teeth, sharp pale things that remind him of the demons. His void of a mouth twists into a devastating smile, one that promises evil. He finds he opens his mouth to scream, but the thing in the mirror chuckles maniacally back at him. It’s laughter rings in his ears, and he tastes bile. 

That ISN”T him! It can’t be, he knows his own face. Doesn’t he?

“You don’t recognize yourself?” The demon asks, reading his thoughts. “This is who you are, KIRA!”

“STOP!” He screams, shutting his eyes tight and reaching up to clutch his hair. He thinks that if he cannot see this demonic version of himself, it will disappear. And oh how he would love that. Maybe this specter will disappear along with it, and Light will be able to escape from this horrid place. 

“How can you not recognize yourself?” The demon’s voice cuts over his screams of refusal. Forcing him to listen, to understand what is happening. “Take a good look, you don’t remember what you look like? Look, LOOK!”

“NO!” He screams again, and feel tears prick at the back of his closed eyelids. 

“Look!” It commands again, in a voice that forces Light to listen. He unwillingly opens his eyes, and his blood runs cold again. The mirror has been replaced by two words, two words that makes everything else waver around him.

Light Yagami. 

He stumbles back, because the force from behind him has disappears. He falls onto his back and desperately attempts to scramble away, to escape this treacherous reality. But the demons towers over him, floating above his shaking form. 

“Why don’t you want this notebook?” The demon’s scratchy voice sounds confused. It starts morphing into a blackened cloud of matter, becoming one with the mist. But it’s glowing scarlet orbs remain locked on him. 

“I’m scared.” Is all Light can utter, feeling the hot tears run freely down his cheeks. 

“Why?” The demons voice grows distorted, as his laughing reaches bone-chilling levels, a new sound that could make anyone’s heart stop out of sheer terror. “Hehehe….humans are so…INTERESTING.” The jarring voice continues, dripping with soulless amusement. It grows deeper and lighter, piercing his heart. 

“Please, let me go home!” Light begs, shutting his eyes yet again. 

He hears a flapping of wings around him and his eyes open widely. Crows circle around himself and this now black cloud. He can see their eyes as well, red as the demons and glaring down at him hatefully. He can see the talons on their feet, reaching out dangerously. 

“Kira! Kira! Kira! Kira! Kira!” The begin to caw in their tinny voice. They screech the name at him, reminding him that he is Kira. Is he, really? But he can’t be, he-he doesn’t remember!

“No!” He shrieks and they suddenly obey his commands. The atmosphere around him grows silent, no movement can be detected. A peaceful calm has descended upon him. But he can still feels his very bones shaking, are they still watching him? He cautiously opens his eyes and is met yet again with the barren fog that reminds him of the wasteland he is in. Looking around, he is indeed alone. He feels shell-shocked and stays huddled on the ground. His adrenaline hasn’t caught up to him yet, for it is still being weighed down by terror. 

A thump suddenly sounds at his feet, and he looks down in time to see a decayed hand reaching up from the ground to grab his ankle. He screams again as the hand begins pulling him, as if it wants to frag him underneath the mud as well. It’s fingernails are gone and it is a horrid blueish color. It’s skin has peeled off leaving rot and bones. 

A head rises from the dead grass, and it’s blackened eye sockets stare at him. It too is decayed, with maggots crawling out of it's deadened lips. Light feels his cries die in his throat, and his heart seems to still. Blood starts to pour from the eye sockets, and stains it’s brittle skin. It opens it’s mouth wide to show him a row of rotten, soiled teeth. 

“Run.” It whispers, and Light obeys without hesitation. 

He bolts up from the ground, feeling the hand crumble away. Without looking back or wasting anytime at all, he darts off into the forest. The branches of the trees claw at him painfully, but he pays that no mind. He blindly runs, stumbling over exposed roots. He keeps falling, but manages to pick himself up every time. He must leave, he must escape. While he still can, before this demon takes his soul hostage for eternity.

Terror seizes his heart as he realizes his is being followed. Branches snap off behind him and he feels something on his heel. Hot, burning breath hits his neck and he forces his legs to propel him forward faster. His heart beats his chest furiously and he can feel his tears streaming from his face.

But the thing keeps following him, no matter how fast he runs. He pursues him unfalteringly. And it’s growing closer…closer…closer..

“Help!” He screams in a strangled voice. “Help! Help me! Help!”

He babes out pleas of rescue, and feels the clawed hand grab his shoulder again, and the thing starts to shake him severely. 

“Help!” He wails, thrashing against the ground. Wait, when did he fall down? The grass seems to fade away into a mattress…

“Light?” He hears a voice call out to him, a terribly familiar voice. By this point he has shut his eyes, blinding himself yet again to the horrors of this place. 

He feels drool escape his mouth as he continues to struggle, but the voice keeps calling to him. “Light! Wake up!”

“No!” He cries one last scream, before jolting up to fight the demon. But the demon has changed into a man. A man with wild black hair and soulless black eyes. They peer at him in worry, and fear. But Light won’t fall for the demon’s faux cation, he knows it means to destroy him. 

The demon his almost sitting onto of him, so he attempts to rip his body away. But he can only fall as far as to the ground of the bed…when was he moved to a bed? Where’s the forest? Ah, but no matter. For he sees that the demon has handcuffed his wrist, effectively trapping him. Panic fills his veins as he tugs on his hand harshly, wanting the handcuff to simply fall away.

“Let me go!” He hisses, not daring to look at the demon. “You can’t hurt me, I’m not KIRA!”

“Light!” The demon yells, and Light looks up a second too late. He sees the man jump on him before he has anytime to move out of the way. he is effectively pinned down again. And as much as he wants to fight, he has been immobilized. The man tightens his grips around his wrists, and shakes him slightly. Light surprises a terrified whimper, for it would be no good now to show any sign of weakness.

“Light! Listen to me.” The man implores, and Light grows still. That voice, somehow it comforts him? “You’re having a nightmare, okay? Do you know where you are?”

“Forest.” He answers, without thinking. He then recants he statement, because he does not want to seem dull. And as he looks around, he can see they’re in a…”Bedroom?” He questions softly, and the man nods.

“Who are you?” He questions again.

“Light Yagami.” He responds instantly. “Not Kira.” He adds, not wanting the demon to impose that idea upon him any further. 

“Okay.” The man nods, seemingly accepting this. “Who am I?”

“Uh?” Light stutters for a moment. He does not think it would be very polite to call this man a demon. A finger rubs soothing circles into his wrist, making his tense body go limp with relaxation. Heat rushes into his cheeks as he looks at the man’s face and remembers.

“You’re…L.” He realizes. “Shit..” Light is back in reality. Not in the forest, not at the demons mercy. He is in headquarters, with L. He is not Kira, and he is not about to die.

It was all a nightmare.

“It was a bad dream.” He breathes out in relief. 

“What was a bad dream?” L asks, staring down at him quizzically. Light feels embarrassment overtake him as he realizes L must think he is a fool. He doesn’t even want to imagine how he looked. Screaming, yelling, jumping onto the floor. ‘

“I-uhhh…dreamt I was in a forest.” He finally sighs out, frustrated with himself. But he knows that until he gives the detective some reason for his behavior, L won’t stop prodding. “Or, maybe it was a forest? It was really…desolate, and hard to make out any surroundings.”

“But there was a demon, with a notebook. And…he…” Light swallows thickly, not wanting to give L anymore reason to doubt his innocence.

“He what? It’s okay Light. You know demons don’t exist, right?” L soothes, finally releasing his wrists and allowing Light to sit up. 

“Well, I KNOW that.” Light sits up slowly, annoyance lacing his tone. He doesn’t need L to talk to him as if he is a small child. No matter if demons are real or not, it is still very unpleasant to see a quite realistic one. Whether it’s a dream or not. And this dream felt too real to Light. He realizes that his breaths are still shallow and works to calm himself. 

“He erm…promise you won’t be mad?” Light asks, staring into L’s comforting eyes. “It was just a dream, so obviously it didn’t mean anything.”

“Obviously.” L agrees with him. 

“He said I was Kira.” Light reveals in a hushed whisper. He feels anxiety seep into his bones yet again. He begins to wring his hands, just to have something to do. “He shows me a reflection of myself….as this horrible skeleton.” He hears his voice crack and curses himself for it. “And then…he wrote my name, into the book.”

L is silent for a few moments, and Light thinks he sees L smile. But he must be seeing things, for when he blinks L’s expression remains impassive. He studies Light, still patting his leg in a reassuring manner. Light almost jumps when he decides to speak again.

“It’s okay.” He murmurs comfortingly. “It was just a dream. It most likely occurred because of the Kira case, and the stress you have over being a suspect.”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Light feels reassurance wash over him, it’s a warm and fuzzy feeling. He’s not mad, he KNOWS he’s not Kira. And he is much too old to be frightened over something as mundane as a bad dream. He leans into L, desperately seeking more of his comfort. He leans his head against L’s chest, and hears the reassuring thumping of his heartbeat and closes his eyes. He is so content that he has half a mind to fall back asleep on this very floor. 

“But..” L startes, and then clears his throat. “Nothing, never mind.”

“What?” Light looks up. “Tell me.”

“No, no dear it’s fine.” L soothes, patting his head. “It’s just a case of me overthinking. And I hardly want you to become upset again. Let’s just go back to bed.”

“No L, tell me please.” Light says, feeling uneasy yet again. 

“Well, what if that dream was your subconscious trying to remind you of your time as Kira?” L says quietly. His hands stops threading through Light’s hair. “What if it’s a case of repressed memories?”

Light gulps loudly, and he hears it. Instead of feeling anger over hearing L’s suspicions, he feels that tell-tale feeling of dread close around his heart. Is L right? “I’m not Kira.” He says flatly, but the phrase sounds hollow inside of his ears.

“Of course.” L nods. “Let’s just go back to sleep, it is four in the morning after all.”

And as they settle back into bed, Light turns towards L’s crouched form. “Do you think that’s true?” He whispers quietly. He doesn’t want to hear the answer, but needs to at the same time. 

“Is what true?” L asks back, peering down at the brunette. 

Light pulls the sheets tighter around himself, and averts his gaze. “Do you think that dream actually means something?” He doesn’t want to fully ask, but he knows L knows what he means. 

“Only time will tell.” L answers. “It is much too late to once again start theorizing if you are Kira. If you have anymore nightmares like that, however, you must tell me right away.”

“Okay.”Light nods, dissatisfied with the answer. He wants to ask L what his percentage is, but the man probably wouldn’t give him a straight answer. Not after his nightmare, anyway. “I- can you hold me?” Light asks, desperately wanting comfort. He is fully prepared for L to tell him off.

But L, not even sighing at his request, sinks down and wraps his arms around Light. Light tries to hide his surprise, and clutches onto the man. He buries his face into L’s neck and sighs contentedly. He feels L once again resume rubbing soothing circles onto his back. He closes his eyes and wills for a peaceful sleep to overtake him, one that is not filled with ghastly images. 

“It’ll be okay.” Is the last thing he hears L murmur, before the relief of unconsciousness takes him once again.


	5. Mother Knows Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew!! This chapter is...probably the fastest one I've written. God, I need a life. Or not, for this fic is rather fun to write;)
> 
> Okay, anyway, this chapter...a lot happens. At least I stuck to my promise to write more dialogue...? Sachiko finally arrives!! *Cheering intensifies* We love and stan Sachiko Yagami in this house. She's the only one that's nice to Light, poor boy:( 
> 
> And Light has many...revelations. And L...L might start to grow a conscience? We also get a small insight into his past..and some hints into why he acts the way he does, that will definitely be explored in the future!
> 
> This beast is 19k words I think?? Good Lord, well I hope you all enjoy! As always, reviews and comments are my personal crack, I adore them immensely!
> 
> (TW: Mentions of assault, grooming, and pedophilia. If any of that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you stop reading before the party scene. Nothing too graphic, but it's heavily implied/remembered.)
> 
> ALSO!! My sibling wrote an amazing DeathNote fic about the rain scene. 10/10, their L is written beautifully. It's so cannon and my heart ached reading it! Their writing is amazing, and I'm jealous tbh. I definitely recommend reading if you're a rain scene fan, and want to read about L's thoughts.
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28912035 (The link)

A distinct sound of rain pattering on the window was almost enough to distract Light from the ringing coming from his phone. Almost. For he had somehow been roped into a phone conversation that he dreaded making ever since he had learned he was to be handcuffed to L. And it was to the person that he cared for most in this world, his mother.

It had been nearly two weeks since his captivity with L had started. And Light knew he hadn’t spoken to his mother since long before that. No, he hadn’t had a single ounce of communication with his mother since before his stay in L's Alcatraz. L had said he couldn’t have any outside communication, because if he was Kira then he would surely feed someone with information. L, always paranoid that one. His father had told him that his mother had been placated, however. Soichiro had spun the story of Light going away on an extensive internship, where communication with the outside world was absolutely not allowed. Something about ‘strengthening his mind.’

Luckily, Sachiko had bought that excuse and not worried over his safety. A little naive on her part, but he couldn’t blame her. The truth was much uglier, and he was glad that she had no clue of his status as a serial killer suspect. He had had fantasies in that dark dungeon of his mother bursting into save him, and taking him into her comforting arms. Because his mother would never believe he could be capable of something like that, right? No, Sachiko thought of Light has her smart and darling baby boy. 

He had had his fears over L listening into the conversation and somehow trying to harm his relationship with her. He had feared that L would convince Sachiko that he was pure evil, and that Sachiko would somehow believe his tricky lies. He had imagined her looking at him in disgust, her pushing him away because he was a monster. That thought had paralyzed him and effectively crushed any hopes of talking with her. 

But, he felt safer now. L had seemed to warm up to him, to even start to care for him. It was odd to Light, but L had started treating him as a friend. More than a friend. The only times he snapped at Light nowadays was when he would get particularly testy with the detective. Or if he initiated contact with L himself, L did not like being touched unless he gave permission. Light had learned that after a few particularly scathing punishments. But it was his fault anyway, and he had slowly learned to obey the man. They had fallen into a comfortable relationship. Relationship? Perish the thought! Light didn’t think that L thought of him as a legitimate romantic partner in any sense. And Light had never wanted to have an actual boyfriend, anyway. The whole affair seems too catastrophic to him.

*But would you really hate it if L asked you to be his?* His mind hissed at him, making the brunette internally cringe. *You might be falling for him.*

He slightly shook his head in an attempt to banish these thoughts. No, what he and L had right now was good. He didn’t want to push his luck any further and risk L’s wrath. He remembered the last time L had been cross with him, and a chill went up his spine at the memory. 

L had finally noticed he was starving.

“You aren’t eating.” L had stated one day, making Light flush at the shame of being found out. He felt his heart pound painfully inside of his chest.

“What are you talking about?” Light had asked, shooting the detective a smile. He knew that it appeared fake and strained. “I’m just not hungry right now, is all.”

“I have’t seen you consume a single morsel of food since last week.” L said knowingly, stalking up way too close for comfort. “What, are you anorexic now? That won’t be tolerated Light.”

Light remembered the fear at that word being shot at him. Anorexic? No! That was a mental disorder for the weak, and Light certainly was not that. But he remembered how his mind had latched onto that poisonous insinuation and taunted him with it.

*It’s true, you’re wasting away like a weakling.* His thoughts sneered. *You can’t eat, you’re too afraid. Remember?”

“Than prove it.” L challenged, holding up a cracker shaped like a panda. “Eat this, right now.”

“No!” Light blurted in fear, before he could stop himself. That had came from L’s personal stash! What is he had poisoned it specifically for him?

L’s eyes had narrowed dangerously. And before Light could stop him, he had back him into the counter. “Don’t make me force you.” The raven hissed, his back eyes glittering menacingly. 

“I…I don’t like cookies.” Light defended, grasping at straws. 

“I don’t care!” L snarled. “Eat it! You will obey me, Light.”

“Stop trying to kill me!” Light had shouted, before clapping a hand over his mouth. He remembered the sheer terror he had felt at so carelessly revealing to L his fears. 

*He’s not gonna like that one.* He guiltily thought. *He’ll probably throttle me with his bare hands now.*

“…What?” L had asked, sounding quite confused. He had stepped away to study the twitching brunette,who was now glaring at the floor in shame. “You…think I’m trying to kill you?” 

“I just thought…” Light felt himself floundering as he tried to explain. L wasn’t looking like he was going to kill him, so that was a good sign. Right? “Maybe if you didn’t wanna deal with me anymore, with Kira..”

“But you’re not Kira.” L said. “Right?”

“No!” Light had nodded. “I’m not but I thought that you still thought I was.”

“Even if you were Kira.” L breezed past the almost question. “I wouldn’t kill you myself, I would hand you over to the law. I’m not a murderer, Light.”

Light doesn’t respond to that. He can’t, for now he feels foolish for even entertaining that thought. 

“Hey.” L’s voice has now grown sharper. “I do not like being accused of things I haven’t even done.”

“I’m sorry!” Light bursts out. “But is it that outrageous of a thought? You had my own father…I thought I was going to die.” He whispers. “What if this is all still a test? It would be quite easy for you to poison food, you have to admit that.”

“If I was a monster, yes.” L all but growls. “But I do not kill people. And I hate that fact that you would even assume such a thing. When have I ever harmed you?”

“Are you kidding?” Light finally looks up, in pure astonishment. He finds it hard not to gape. “Did the last two months mean nothing to you, then? Did you expect for my own execution to NOT bother me? I mean, even the confinement! Jesus. And even when you knew criminals were still dying, even when I was locked away, you still kept me in that place!” His fear of L has been replaced with all of his repressed frustrations. The man is just so obtuse! How can he try and claim that he hadn’t of harmed Light at all? Especially when he himself knew he was innocent! All of the heartache he had been subjected to was for no reason at all!

“You volunteered for confinement!” L spits. “You voluntarily put yourself in that box Light, not me.”

“Because I knew you would’ve done it eventually! The shit you pulled with Misa? I thought that I would’ve been treated more leniently if I cooperated willingly! I panicked and felt trapped, what else was I supposed to do?”

“This is how investigations go, Light.” L hisses. “You are a child who has barely left nursery school-“

“A child old enough for you to sleep with.” Light had muttered darkly, before L had roughly grabbed his face. Stifling a surprised yelp, he tries not to flinch under L’s harsh gaze.

“Don’t interrupt me.” L sneers. “Remember how well that worked out for you, last time?”

Light gulps but nods, knowing that L is not to be tested. 

“You have no experience in detective work.” L continues on with his earlier statement. “So it is ridiculous that you think you could run a better investigation than me. Do you even hear yourself? You sound so incredibly naive.” Light feels him lean in closer and whisper into his ear.

“I’m oh so sorry that this experience isn’t sunshine and roses, as your life has been in the past.” His condescending words drip with maliciousness. “But grow the hell up, Light. I will conduct my work with no interference from you, and I don’t care if I hurt your feelings in the process. I will do whatever is necessary to catch Kira, understand?”

Light nods numbly. 

L than pulls away, shooting one last disdainful look in the brunette’s direction. Light feels himself wilt. “So stupid.” He mutters. “I thought you were smarter than this, Light.”

“Hey!” Light protests weakly, feeling the shame rise within him. He has disappointed L, and that is the worst feeling. For he knows L will just continue to rub salt in the wound, to get his point across oh so painfully.

*Not that I don’t deserve it.* He thinks bitterly. *I should’ve known saying he would kill me would offend him. Where would I even get that idea, anyway?*

“Don’t ‘hey’ me.” L sneers, picking up another panda cookie. “Stop insulting me like a spoiled brat! Honestly, you are so mean to me for no good reason. I don’t even know why I like you…”

“I’m sorry L.” He apologizes miserably. “I was…scared.”

“So you insinuated I was capable of murder?” The raven scoffs, crunching the cookie loudly. “That’s a very cruel assumption.”

“It won’t happen again.” Light promises, though he secretly thinks of the hypocrisy behind that statement. “Please, don’t be mad.”

“You’re charms don’t work on me, Light.” L rolls his eyes, staring at Light as if he is a mere weed. “I don’t waver for puppy dog eyes.”

The brunette can only hang his head in shame, knowing it’ll take a lot to finally get L to forgive him. 

Light slowly grabs an apple from the counter, and takes a bite from it. He hopes eating will placate L. But alas, the raven just rewards him with a bland stare. 

As the pair eats in silence for a few moments, Light feels the panic eating at him. He doesn’t want L to be mad at him forever! What if he is never nice to him again? And L’s comforts have been one of the only things getting him through the investigation. He couldn’t imagine the devastation he would feel if L ceased his affections. He doesn’t want L to leave him, not over this. He must make it right somehow.

Maybe he can offer the thing that L enjoys most from him?

“W-what can I do to make it up to you?” Light asks meekly, the detective’s back remains turned from him.

“Just forget it.” L mumbles sourly. “I’m much too annoyed to even think about you right now.”

Sadness clenches around his heart, and he blurts in a desperation. “What if I blew you?”

L turns around slowly, annoyance written all over his face. “So you think offering yourself to me like a common whore will make this better?”

Light gulps, because he thought surely that L would accept his offer. “I…don’t know.” He wrings his hands, attempting to think of a way out from L’s wrath. “Ummm…I thought you liked having sex with me. That’s why I offered.” Is all he can say, biting the inside of his lip in anticipation. 

“If I had sex with you right now, I would just hurt you.” L sighs. “I would just take all of my aggravation out on you, and that would hardly be beneficial.”

“You can!” Light offers, before he can help himself. At this point, he doesn’t care what he has to do. Last time L was mad at him, he ignored him for two days straight. He wouldn’t even glance in Light’s direction. The nights had been so lonely…Light will do anything to avoid those awful feelings. 

“What?” L sounds genuinely surprised. “You don’t know what you’re saying, Light.”

“I do.” He nods feverishly. “I can’t stand the thought of you being mad at me. I can take it.”

“Oh, my dear Light.” L puts, sliding up to him. That annoyance has been replaced by lust, so Light knows he’s on the right track. “You are so naive it’s cute. You haven’t seen what I’m like when I intend to be rough.”

“I can take it.” He repeats with a passion. He knows he can, anything for L. Does he really care about him that much?

“Hmmm.” L sighs, looking Light up and down. “Yes, this could work.”

Light remembers how sore he had been after that particular punishment. L hadn’t been gentle. But the experience had brought a thrill to him. Because after the fact, L had been totally placated. He had kissed Light with a gentleness and whispered praises into his ear. And Light knew, in that moment, that he would do anything for L to gaze upon him with that special lovingness. It had pleased him, made him feel important. L had been so impressed with his resolve, his desire to make things right between them. 

He is broken out of musing when he finally hears a voice he has longed for so vehemently in these past almost three months. “Hello? Light?” Sachiko asks. “My goodness, this is a pleasant surprise. I had thought you weren’t allowed communication?”

“Hi mom.” Light swallows, feeling his eyes prick with tears of embarrassed happiness. “I can, now. The internship is almost over anyway.” He says this with a hopefulness that the Kira case will be resolved soon, and that he will soon be able to hug his mother.

“Well, it’s so great to hear your voice.” She tells him. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Light responds over the lump in his throat, and he hears his voice crack. 

“Oh honey, are you okay?” She asks with a gentle concern, hearing his strained voice.

“Yeah.” He coughs, trying not to spoil their reunion with sadness. “I’ve just missed you so much, too.”

“Aw, honey.” She murmurs. “How has it been going, though? Are you having fun?”

“Yes.” He lies, not wanting to tell her the hours he has experienced. And he supposed that it hadn’t been all bad, now that he has acquired L’s affections. “It’s been…an amazing experience.”

“That’s great!” She exclaims. “When your father told me of this….I just knew you would do great. You always have, in anything you set your mind to. I’m just so proud of you, Light. This internship sounds quite important.”

“Yeah, it is.” Light said, pride filling him over his mother’s praises. She was the only one whose words really mattered to him. “It’s definitely…something. It’s given me a lot of great experience.” That wasn’t really a lie, right? The Kira case was giving him huge insight into what it would be like to work as a detective, and how to someday conduct his own cases. And it was very important work, catching a serial killer and all. 

“Anyway, how have you been?” He smoothly changed the subject, not wanting to have to think up any more lies to tell her. She accepted this change of topic with grace.

“Oh, you know, same old same old.” She let out a slight chuckle. “Nothing nearly as exciting as what you’ve been doing, I’m sure. Oh! But our neighbor’s cat had kittens.”

“Mrs. Sato?” He asked. “I didn’t even know her cat was pregnant. What was her name again?”

“Aki. She’s the tabby, remember? I guess Mrs. Sato didn’t know for the longest time, either.” His mother laughed. “Aki had always been rather skinny, so she thought she was just putting on some extra weight. She didn’t even appear to be that engorged. The only reason she found out was because she went into labor. I swear, I could hear the yowls from over here.”

“Who’s the dad?”

“That’s the mystery.” His mother whispered conspiratorially, amusement lacing her tone. “Some of the cats came out pure black, however. So Mrs. Sato thinks it’s her black tom, Shadow.”

“Interesting.” Light twirled a pen through his fingers. “They weren’t related or anything, were they?”

“Goodness no!” His mother exclaimed. “No, just living under the same roof. But oh Light, the kittens are so adorable! They’re so tiny and…my goodness, they make the cutest little sounds! I wish you could see them.”

“Aw, me too.” Light smiles at the image. He had always loved cats, and remembered begging his parents for one when he was nine. Though his mother had been in favor of the idea, his father had claimed that he was far too irresponsible. Plus, he had given the argument that a pet would distract Light from his studies. “Could you send me a picture?”

“Of course, next time I’m over there I’ll make sure to get one.” His mother told him. “You know, Light. Mrs. Sato was talking about finding good homes for the kittens. She can’t take care of all of them, of course. I suggested that I would talk to you about maybe adopting one?”

“Huh? Me?” Light felt a flutter of hope inside of his chest at the possibility of finally owning a pet. “But, dad wouldn’t allow it.”

“Well dear, you are in college now.” She reminded him. “And we’ve seen how impressive your test scores are, as well as how diligently you study. I think a pet would be nice, don’t you? And if your father allows you to go on an internship in the middle of the semester, surely a pet wouldn’t be that much more distracting.”

“That’s true.” Light agreed, not wanting to mention his dad hadn’t had much choice in the matter of allowing Light to participate in this ‘internship’. “That would be…really nice.”

“Great!” He could hear the smile in his mother’s voice. “Well, I’ll discuss it with your father. But, don’t worry. I know of a few ways to…persuade him.”

“Thanks mom.” Light felt a genuine smile tug at his lips. “That would be a great thing to come home to, my very own cat. I…miss home.” He suddenly felt a pang of sadness, missing his own bed. He wished that he could hug his mother at this very moment.

“I miss having you here.” He recognized the sadness in his own mother’s voice, and that made his heart ache. “I know, it’s silly of me to expect you to never not leave. You are an adult, with your own responsibilities after all. But I suppose it’s disheartening for every mother, when their baby birds have to leave the nest.”

“I’m never gonna leave for this long again mom, I can promise you that.” He told her, determination filling him up. Because he would prove he wasn’t Kira, he knew it.

“Oh, you can’t promise that Light.” She told him with a small chuckle. “You’re destined for great things, I’ve always known that. And you’ll surely have many more opportunities like this in the future. But I hope that you’ll never have to go this long without communication again. You’re taking care of yourself, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am.” He told her, not wanting her to worry anymore. “I really miss your cooking, though.”

“I’ll bet.” She chuckled. “Don’t you worry. I’ll make sure to cook you a feast when you come home. I’ll have to spoil you after all this time, after all. That is, if I can pull my arms away from you.”

Light laughed at that. “I miss your hugs too.”

“Aw, honey. I wish there was someway for me to visit you.”

“Me too.” He told her, wistfully. “I wish you could come visit.” He saw L’s head turn towards him sharply in his peripheral vision. “But, I’m not really allowed visitors here.”

“Oh, that’s okay dear. We’ll be together again soon enough.” She encouraged.

“I hope.” He heard that brokenness back in his voice again, and he felt his eyes become misty. “I never want to be this far from you again, mom. This…whole experience has been-well never mind that. I just feel kinda lost without you."

“Oh Light, it’ll be okay.” She soothed “I’ve been praying for you. I just always hope you’re doing well, you know? I know your capable enough to take care of yourself but it is a mother’s duty to fret over her children I suppose. Just the other night, I was missing you. And I looked up at the moon. It reminded me of your name. And I realized, that no matter where you were, that you could see the same moon as I was. And you want to know what I thought?”

“What?”

“That no matter where you go in life, I’ll always be there for you. And no matter how far apart we are, I’ll always see the same moon you can.”

Light sniffed, and realized a lone tear had made it’s way down his face. He quickly swiped at it, not wanting to sob in front of L. Or worry his mother. “That’s true, mom.” He agreed quietly. “Well, that makes me feel a bit better. I’ll look at the moon tonight and think of you, then.”

“Aw, well that makes me happy to hear.” He could hear the longing in his mother’s voice. “I’ve been so blessed to have a son like you Light, do you know that? You’ve exceeded all of my expectations, and your even more perfect that I could have imagined.”

“And you’re the best mom I could’ve ever hoped for.” He told her, feeling his eyes grow damp yet again. Blinking rapidly, he decided to switch to a happier subject. “So, how’s Sayu?”

He had been curious about his little sister, as well. Why he missed his mother the most, he did want to see Sayu again. She had always told the funniest jokes, and looked at him with so much admiration inside of her eyes. She made him feel proud to be an older brother.

“Oh, haha. Well, she’s a teenage girl, you know? She’s ordered more posters of that Hidekki Ryuga to hang in her room.” His mother informed him. “She’s missed you too.”

“I’ll bet.” Light laughed. “She misses my brain, huh? How’s she been doing in math?”

“Oh dear, she misses much more than that.” She slightly scolded. “But, yes she’s been doing much better. I think your tutoring really paid off. Though, in the beginning she begged your father to let you talk to her. She said ‘Light’s the only one who can help me with math! How will I ever survive without him?’”

“That sounds like Sayu.” Light chuckled. “Though, I’m not surprised. I am the greatest tutor ever, after all.”

“Careful Light, I can see your big head from here.” His mother joked.

“It’s only big because I can back it up.” He responded, cheekily. 

“That’s true, I suppose.” Sachiko chuckled. “Oh! And Sayu did buy you a welcome home present. I won’t give too much of it away, but let’s just say I hope your green thumb has improved.”

“A plant?” Light asked. A warmness filled him, flattered that his sister had gotten him a gift. “Oh God, do you remember the last plant I had?”

“Yes, a cactus.” His mother chuckled. “That poor thing just dried up, didn’t it?”

“A cactus mom, a cactus! How does one even manage to kill a cactus? I thought those things were indestructible?” He mockingly ranted, though a smile was present on his face as he recalled the memory.

“You still have to water them! Honestly Light, the desert would have treated it better.” His mom jokingly pointed out. “Remember how heartbroken you were over it? What did you name it?”

“Didn’t I name it…leafy?” Light recalled, cringing at the name. “That didn’t even make sense! Cactuses don’t have leaves! But I do remember crying over the thing.”

“You had a funeral for it.” She reminded him. “It was actually kind of cute, in a morbid kind of way. You got a shoe box for a casket, and made invitations for all of us to come. And there was a whole service! The eulogy was sweet though, I remember almost crying over it.”

“Yeah, and then I buried it in the yard.” Light remembered. “Hopefully this next plant won’t share the same fate.”

“Let’s hope.” His mother agreed. “Otherwise, we’ll have to label you a plant serial killer.”

Light froze, ice flooding his veins. He knew that his mother had made an innocent joke, that she hadn’t said it to hurt him. How could she of? She wasn’t even aware he was a suspect. But hearing his mother say that, that he could be a serial killer….it hurt his heart. He didn’t want his mother to think those things, even in jest. 

“N-no, no! I won’t kill this one!” He said a little to quickly, and a little too seriously. 

“It’s okay, Light.” His mother sounded confused. “You didn’t mean to kill the last one.”

“Y-yeah I know.” He said, feeling foolish about his defensiveness. It was a joke, nothing more and nothing less. 

*Don’t get so worked up. Otherwise, she’ll become suspicious.” His brain scolded him. *We wouldn’t want to loose mommy’s love, right?”

“Light-kun.” L’s voice cut in, and Light looked over to the detective. He held his own phone between his pointer finger and thumb, and stared at Light urgently. “There’s been a break in the case, we must go downstairs.”

“R-right.” Light responded. He turned back to respond to his mother, much to his dismay. He didn’t want to hang up, not yet. “That was my erm…friend. I need to go now, to do some more work.” He informed her, regretfully. 

“Okay, Light, you go on and work.” She told him, sounding hesitant to let him go as well. “I hope to talk to you soon?”

“Yeah, we will.” He assured her. He didn’t want to have to wait another two months, after all.

“Okay dear. I love you, you know. So much.”

“I love you too. Bye mom.” He whispered, painfully.

“Bye honey!” And with that, she was gone. The buzzing sound of a dead line rung in his ear, and he pulled his phone away. Flipping it shut, he got up to follow L down to the computers. Foolishly, he blinked back more tears. He had just talked to his mom, and they had had a good conversation. He shouldn’t be crying now! He should feel relieved, that he had finally spoken to her after such a long time. And, at the fact that L hadn’t of interfered. 

But, he did feel sad. Because he didn’t know if he ever would see his mother again. He stubbornly told himself he would, but this case felt like it could drag on forever. And what if something happened to confirm L’s suspicions? What if he was framed, and sent to his death? He could almost imagine the look of horror that would befall his mother’s face…

He couldn’t help it, he froze behind L. He couldn’t imagine his mother never seeing his face again. He couldn’t-no wouldn’t imagine what his mother’s reaction to hearing the news that Light had been convicted as Kira. He clenched his shaking hands in an attempt to stop their trembling, which hardly worked. He felt himself go weak in the knees, and slumped onto the wall next to him to avoid crashing to the floor.

In and out. In and out. He worked to stop his hyperventilating, trying to stabilize his breaths. 

*Your mother would never love Kira.* 

“Light?” L’s voice snapped him out of his daze. The detective was beside him, staring at him in concern. “Are you okay? You’ve gone pale.”

“L, I-“ He swallowed his fears, not wanting to give L anymore of a reason to suspect him. But what…if he was right? Light couldn’t remember being Kira, but L had seemed so sure. He felt the same uneasiness and confusion as he had before submitting himself to confinement. He had hoped that jail would be enough to erase the suspicion from L’s, and his, mind. “What if I never see my mom again?” He whispered.

“You can’t dwell on that, Light.” L urged him. “Something potentially groundbreaking with the case is occurring at this very moment. And isn’t that what you want, to solve the case?”

“What’s the probability that I’m Kira.” Light ignored L’s question. “Please, L. Tell me if you honestly think I’m Kira. I…don’t know anymore.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” L asked. “Surely you would know without a sliver of doubt whether or not you were a mass murderer.”

“But…my dreams.” Light whispered. He had had several more nightmares since the first one, almost every night. And each time they became more sinister. And every single one involved him being Kira. It didn’t make sense. It had to mean something, right?

“Light…dreams don’t necessarily mean anything.” L told him, carefully. “But do you really think they do? Do YOU think you’re Kira? I can’t do anything without a confession.”

Light’s words died inside of his mouth. What was he doing? Why was he going to give L more of a reason to suspect him? “N-no you’re right, it’s just nightmares.” He hastily moved from the wall, to descend down the stairs. “Forget I said anything, let’s go.”

But L grabbed his arm and turned the brunette around to face him. Light gulped as their faces were inches apart, he could count each and every one of L’s eyelashes. Those charcoal grey eyes stared back at him, analyzing him. “We’ll talk about this later.” L told him with finality. “But, Light, you must be honest with me. No matter what, okay? Because if you are…were Kira, and regret it? I can help you.”

“What?” Light whispered, scanning L’s face. He seemed completely serious. “What are you talking about-“

L quickly pressed a chaste kiss onto Light’s lips to silence him, and Light let him. He savored L’s slightly chapped lips against his own, before jumping back. He had realized they were in a public hallway, and anyone from the task force could walk in on them. Luckily that hadn’t happened. L gave him an amused smirk and began to walk down the stairs. 

“Later.” L promised, and Light followed in a slight daze.

What had L meant? That he would ‘help him’. Wouldn’t L convince him if he was Kira? Sentence him to death? Did he mean….Light felt a flare of hope light inside of himself, and tried to ignore it. But he couldn’t help the butterflies that filled his stomach as he reflected on L’s words. Would L…protect him? 

Light settles into the computer chair besides L, and studies the man intently. L had been so adamant about catching Kira, what had changed? At this very moment he was working to catch Kira.

*Maybe he cares for you.* His mind suggests. Light wants to silence these thoughts, but he can’t. Because that what he wishes for. That no matter what, L won’t sentence him to death. That no matter what, L won’t leave him. He hadn’t imagined growing so attached to L in just the span of a few weeks, but it has happened. Light is absolutely taken with the detective. And what if L is smitten with him as well? So much so, that he would keep him from persecution. Light feels a small smile grace his face before he can school his features.

“Matsuda, you idiot.” L growls, breaking up Light’s sweet wonderings. L is currently on a call with Watari, a big gothic W is flashing across his computer screen. “Are you quite certain the call came from Yotsuba?”

“Yes, that is what the GPS tells me.” Water’s voice informs him. Light feels his blood run cold. Yotsuba? Isn’t that the group that Aizawa had pointed out the connection with Kira with? 

“What’s going on?” Light questions. L turns to him slowly.

“An emergency signal has just come from Matsuda’s belt.” L sighs. “And he seems to be within Yotsuba’s headquarters.”

“Well, what on earth would he be doing there?” His father demands. 

“I have no clue.” L replies sourly. He turns back to the computer and pulls his thumb to his mouth. “But since an emergency signal was issues, I’m guessing he’s in trouble.”

“Well, what are we going to do?” Aizawa demands.

“We’ll have to contact him, somehow.” L says. “He was supposed to be with Misa. Light, can you call her?”

“Uh sure.” Light quickly receives his phone and dials his supposed ‘girlfriend’s’ number. He is sent to voicemail, and bites back a sigh. “Dammit, no answer.”

“She must still be working.” L decides. “Watari, can you bring me some of those macaroons?”

“You’re eating now?” Aizawa demands. “We have to do something, he could be in trouble!”

“I’m fully aware of that.” Light can hear the annoyance under L’s indifferent tone. “But we cannot do anything rash. We certainly can’t call him, who knows what situation he’s in? And because of our suspicions, well, he could be in a real predicament…”

“But what do you mean by that?” Soichiro demands, and Light swears that he can hear L release a tiny sigh. 

“Well, what reason would Matsuda have to be fraternizing inside of Yotsuba’s offices?” L starts. “Most likely, he took it upon himself to conduct his own investigation. I’m sure he tried to find out some confidential information, and was caught. And he’s possibly in a hostage situation. Why else would he use his belt, and not just call one of us? That belt is only made for dire emergencies after all.”

“Knowing Matsuda, he probably pressed it on accident while using the restroom.” Light hears Mogi quietly chuckle from behind him. 

Suddenly, Light feels a buzzing in his pocket. “It’s Misa.” He informs the group, flipping open his cell phone. “Misa? Where are you?”

“Hiiiii Light!” She chirps into his ear. “I’m almost done working! It’s so late, I know. I’m really sorry, I don’t know why they make the hours so long! Do you miss me?” Before he can even register the question, the blonde resumes her rambling. “I feel so bad having to be away from you, Light! I’ll make it up to you with a super romantic date night! Even though you always seem to be busy…we’ll make time though! And did you know, they tried to make me kiss another guy tonight?! I was, like, no way! Misa would never cheat on her Light! And don’t worry, I didn’t cheat on you. I told them-“

“Misa!” Light tries to interrupt her as firmly as he can, but even he can hear the annoyance in his voice. Clearing his throat, he tries to sound soothing. “That’s all very…interesting. But we may have a problem on our hands. Can you tell me where Matsuda is?”

“Him? He’s a total jerk!” Misa scoffs indignantly. “He just ran off and left me here…”

A dull ringing can be heard in the background, effectively cutting the blonde off.

“Oh! Hang on, I’m getting a call from my work phone.” Some shuffling can be heard over the line. “Oh hey, it’s from Matsu.”

“Misa’s just received a call from Matsuda.” Light quickly relays, and he can see L’s eyes widen. 

L urgently turns towards Light. “Tell her to hold her phone so that we can listen in as well.”

Nodding, Light repeats the sentiment to Misa. The blonde obliges. 

Matsuda’s over-enthusiastic voice can soon be heard over the phone. “Misa-Misa! When you’re finished filming, come over to the Yotsuba Group head office. It’s still tentative, but there’s a chance you may be able to appear in Yotsuba’s commercials! We’re working it out now.”

“What? For real? You’re amazing, Matsu!” Misa exclaims, clueless of the current situation. “So that’s what you’ve been up to all this time? Don’t worry, we’re wrapping up soon!”

Light can see L massaging his temples out of the corner of his eye. *Huh, L’s never done that before.* Light ponders. *He must be really annoyed.*

“So…he’s only there to promote Misa?” Aizawa whispers, sounding dubious.

“No, that’s surely a cover story.” L grumbles. “They must be with him, monitoring his calls. Light? Keep Misa on the line for a few moments.”

“Okay.” Light nods, not wanting to disobey L when he’s this irritated. “Misa, stay on the line for a few moments?”

“Of course Light!” She squeals. “I have a few moments before they start filming again. You wanna talk? You’re so sweet! I’ve been constantly bragging about you today, everyone’s jealous! This one girl…” Light tunes out her mindless babble and observes L pulling a new burner phone out of his pocket. It’s different from his other phone, how many does he need?

“What are you going?” Light whispers, holding the phone away from his ear.

“Calling him.” L sighs. “I’ll have to judge how severe the situation is myself.”

“But he surely won’t be able to tell you anything.” The chief starts to argue. “Not if they’re with him!”

“Well, hopefully Matsuda is smart enough to speak in code.” L grumbles, dialing in a number. 

“Hello?” Matsuda’s voice suddenly crackles through L’s phone.

“Yo, Matsui!” L speaks, and Light feels his mouth fall open. He can’t help it. L has adopted the voice of a total slacker, and it sounds nothing like him! Light resists the urge to snicker. “It’s me, Asahi. It’s been a while buddy.”

“Asahi!” Matsuda’s relieved yet nervous chuckle comes through the phone. “Yeah, it’s been a long time.”

“Doesn’t sound like you’re out right now.” L chuckles. “Don’t tell me you’re home already?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you by yourself?” L questions in his lazy drawl. 

“Yeah, I’m by myself. What’s up?”

“So, do you wanna, like go out drinking tonight?” L drones on in his childish voice.

“Huh? Right now? Oh sorry, I’ll have to pass tonight.” Matsuda replies regretfully, and L narrows his eyes.

“Oh, what’s the matter?” L prods. “Don’t tell me your wallet is in trouble again?”

“Yeah, that’s right!” Matsuda’s nervous giggling has returned again. “BIG troubles, with money! You know me way too well.”

L pulls the phone away from his ear and stares at the task force intently. “Matsuda’s saying he’s in big trouble.” L whispers heatedly. 

“Oh, that’s too bad.” L speaks into the phone again, quite obnoxiously. “Guess I’ll drag you out some other time, all right? See ya buddy."

With that, L has hung up the phone and sets it on the desk forcefully. “I really don’t have time for this.” He grumbles, more to himself. He then grabs Light’s shirt sleeve, making the brunette start. He looks at L questionably, and L stares right back at him. 

“Listen to me, Light. There is a chance that we may be able to save Matsuda.” L tells him lowly. “But we won’t be able to do it without Misa’s help.”

Light blinks once, twice. “What do you mean?” He asks, doubt lacing his voice. He really doubts Misa, of all people, can save Matsuda from Yotsuba’s clutches. Especially if one of the members is who L suspects them to be. 

“She’ll listen to you and do anything you say, won’t she?” L asks, ignoring his question.

“Yeah, I guess.” Light responds slowly, the cogs in his mind slowly turning as he tries to figure out what L's next move will be. 

“Tell Misa to go to Matsuda.” L orders. “And tell her to come up with some kind of excuse to throw an after party, one that the Yotsuba members will be persuaded into attending.”

“Why?” Light wonders aloud.

“Because we need to have them on our own turf.” L explains. “I need Wedy to bug the place. And we can use this after party as a distraction for Matsuda to escape.”

Light just nods, and turns back to his phone. He must trust L, after all. He surely knows what he is doing. “Misa?” He interrupts the girl’s rambling, which was somehow still going on. “I need you to do something for me. No questions asked, okay?”

“Of course Light!” She exclaims. “I’d do anything for you.”

“Good.” He swallows. “After your meeting with Yotsuba, I need you to throw an after party somewhere.”

“The Shinjuku Washington hotel.” L cuts in.

“At the Shinjuku Washington hotel.” Light repeats. “You have to do whatever it takes for the Yotsuba members to accompany you there with Matsuda.”

“Why?” She wonders, despite Light’s order.

“Uhh..because it’s a secret mission.” Light declares nervously. “The less you know, the better.”

“Awww Light, are you concerned for my safety?” She squeals happily.

“Yeah.” He confirms, trying to sound believable. “So can you do it?”

“Hmmm..” She pretends to think. “Yeah, I probably can. But oh! I have one condition.”

Light catches L rolling his eyes and Light too resists the urge to sigh. “What is it, Misa?”

“You have to come to the after party too!” She declares. “Then, it’ll be a date!”

Light grits his teeth at that, and tries not to scream in frustration. Really? Misa can’t even do this one simple task? This is bigger than dates! “I can’t.” He tells her firmly. “I’m handcuffed to Ryuzaki, remember? He can’t be in public, especially if one of these guys is Kira. And we’re handcuffed, so we’d definitely stick out.”

“Ryuzaki thinks Yotsuba could be Kira?” Misa whisper yells, and Light fights the urge to face palm. Oops, he forgot that that was confidential information. He can feel the disapproving stares from the task force.

“Great going Light, now the whole investigation is shot!” L grumbles. “With Misa’s big mouth, surely all of Japan will know who Kira is by tomorrow!”

“I heard that!” Misa yells indignantly. “I can keep a secret Ryuzaki, you old meanie. I kept your torturing a secret, didn’t I?”

L opens his mouth to retaliate, but Misa continues talking.

“Plus, Kira won’t hurt Matsuda! Kira only kills criminals!”

“Misa, this is a new Kira, remember?” Light interrupts, not wanting to go into a discussion of Kira’s morals. Not now, they’re running out of time. “He kills anyone.”

“Ohhhh.” Misa breathes out, sounding as if a lightbulb has just gone up over her head. “Well, that’s evil! Kira wouldn’t want his name to be soiled like this!”

“Misa, just get to Matsuda.” Light snaps. “We’re wasting time!”

“No! I want you to come to the after party!” She argues.

Before Light can tell her off again, his phone is suddenly yanked from his hand. L has confiscated the phone and glares at the device gripped in his hand. “Misa-san! We do not have any time for this foolishness!” He barks. “You will organize an after party, and Light will NOT be there! Impeding upon an investigation is a crime, did you know that?”

“Light WILL be there.” Misa shouts. “I’m so tired of not getting to spend any alone time with MY boyfriend! Plus, I want him there to protect me!”

“Light looks like he weighs two pounds, how could he protect anything?” Aizawa mutters, earning a glare from Light.

“I actually took self defense classes!” He retorts, anger gliding through his veins. 

“You are going to get Matsuda killed, do you know that?” L snaps. “This isn’t playtime, Amane! There is no time for dates, I cannot believe not even YOU can't get that. Have you woken up with less brain cells than usual?”

“Whatever Ryuzaki.” Misa spits, not deterred in the slightest despite L’s harsh words. “Ever heard of compromise? And it seems like you're desperate. So if I were you, I would listen to me! I want to have some quality alone time with Light, away from your perverted nonsense!”

“Why you little-“ L seems to stop himself, to try and regain some of his lost composure. “Light is staying with me, that’s final! Furthermore, how do I know this isn’t an elaborate trick for you and Light-kun to regain your lost Kira powers?”

“Hey!” Light shouts, indignant. Why is everyone suddenly ganging up on him? “I don’t even want to go!”

“Enough!” Soichiro finally shouts. The whole room, including L and Misa, have gone silent. “We are wasting time! Matsuda could be killed at any moment, and we have to do something! Enough of these petty cat fights!”

“Light will go with Misa!” Soichiro announces. Before L can object, he continues. “There will be security camera’s everywhere, right? Light and Misa could not possibly do anything suspicious in that case. And Misa won’t do this without Light, we must compromise.”

"Plus, it would be good for some extra people from the inside to be there as well. No one would suspect him.” Mogi muses out loud. 

“Thank you Mr. Yagami, Mr. Mogi!” Misa exclaims. “See? At least some of you over there are rational.”

“This is not a good-“ L starts, but is interrupted again.

“As Light’s father, I will have the final say.” Soichiro says with finality. His eyes glitter, daring anyone to challenge him. “We have to act, now!”

“Fine!” L snipes. “But I will be close by.”

“Fine!” Soichrio retorts, crossing his arms. 

“…Don’t I get a say in this?” Light asks, not wanting to go to the after party at all. He doesn’t want to be killed by Kira! And he doesn’t want to be away from L.

“No!” Both his father and L snap ceremoniously, leaving Light to groan.

“…Well, yay me!” Misa finally says, content with having gotten her way. “I’ll see you soon Lighty!”

“Gentlemen, this is my boyfriend! His name is….Rei! Yeah Rei, isn’t he the cutest!” Misa exclaims as Light walks into the hotel room, immediately wrapping her arms around the brunette.

Light resists the urge to sigh. Today just isn’t his day. After being silenced by his father and L, he was hastily driven to the hotel by Watari. L had then taken the handcuffs off. But Light couldn’t even revel in his newfound freedom! L had glared at him ferociously.

“If you do ANYTHING suspicious.” The man had started, gripping his arm tightly. Light swore he was actually trying to pull it off. “I will have you back in confinement faster than you can say ‘I’m not Kira.’ Got it?”

“Y-yes..” Light had muttered, feeling cowed. It wasn’t even his idea to go to this stupid party, nor his decision. He just hoped L wouldn’t take it out on him later..

And this wasn’t freedom, not really. Of all the places he’d rather be, a hotel room filled with business executives and scantily clad models wasn’t one of them. He didn’t even know how he could get away with killing anyone here, even if he was Kira! It was much too crowded. 

Some of the men waved at him disinterestedly, why the other’s scowled at him. *Probably because they want a piece of her.* Light thinks bitterly, walking to sit down on a couch and with Misa still clinging to his arm like a bracelet. *Whatever, like I care. They can have her anyways.*

“Sooo how’s your day been?” Misa questioned, practically sitting on his lap. Light tries not to show his annoyance, for wouldn’t any normal teenager be thrilled to be invited to a party of this nature?

“Good.” He lies, smiling with fake enthusiasm. His day has not been good. “I…talked to my mom.”

“Oh! I miss your mom!” Misa gasps. “How is she?”

“Good.” Light responds. “We miss each other, our next door neighbor’s cat had kittens though.”

“Aw, kittens!” Misa squeals. “That’s so cute! We should visit them, sometime. Then I could see your mom again, I miss her. She was nice!”

“Yeah, she is nice.” Light parrots, remembering his mother meeting Misa. His mother had been a little startled by her gothic getup, but hadn’t showed it. His mother was a master of politeness, after all. She had made her some vanilla tea, and they had actually started talking about Jewelry. Light had sat next to Misa proudly, playing the perfect boyfriend. He knew his mother had been proud of him for getting such a beautiful girl, after all.

“And she’s nice, too.” His mother had commented after Misa left. “And she seems to really care about you.”

“She does.” Light had laughed. Only a few days after dating, Misa had proclaimed to be in love with him. Light had just smiled and laughed. He didn’t believe her, of course. She was smitten is all. Who knows whether or not they love a person after only a few dates? No, love is a complex emotion. But even if she had fallen for him, it wouldn’t of mattered to Light. He just needed the normalcy of having a girlfriend. 

“Misa!” One of the models called, breaking him out of his musings. “One of the men just threw up in the bathroom!”

“Oh no!” Misa groaned. “I’ll have to pay for that.”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Light muttered, sympathetically, before Misa rose to leave. He couldn’t exactly say that L was paying for the hotel room, after all. And at least now he could finally be alone.

He quickly spotted a lone bottle of sake on the coffee table before him, and hastily grabbed at it. He took a large swig of the drink, before almost choking. 

*Shit!* He scolded himself. He had forgotten there was security cameras in the room! Everyone would see him underage drinking! This wasn’t good, he nearly buried his face into his hands.

*Well, whatever.* He thought, ruefully, before taking another large gulp. *I deserve to unwind, after everything I’ve been through!* Plus, wasn’t he supposed to not stick out? He was a college kid at a party, for crying out loud! He was supposed to fit in, and everyone else was drinking. Even though he would probably get an earful from his father, and likely L, he didn’t care in this moment. he just wanted to have some fun.

He nursed his drink, not realizing how quickly the thing was beginning to drain. He felt his head become warm and fuzzy, and sunk down into the couch cushions. He could feel his head move numbly back and forth, and resisted the urge to giggle. He undertook why people drank, now. This WAS relaxing. Colors seemed to grow brighter, and conversation seemed to grow more lively.

He placed his hands in front of his face, and started to lowly chuckle. “They’re moving!” He exclaimed quietly to himself. He hands seemed to slightly shake, and waver to the beat of the music. His fingers slightly wiggled. *How do I have TEN fingers? That’s a lot!*

“Is this seat taken?” A voice beside him murmurs, and he quickly looks up. Due to his drunken state, he couldn’t stop his mouth from falling open. He recognized this man, he had slept with him! He couldn’t remember his name, but he’d know that rat face from anywhere. The man had beady black eyes, and a pinched expression across his face. When his mouth wasn’t pressed into a displeased line, it was stretched into a leery smile. His thinning black hair was combed back from his face, showing a bald spot. 

Light’s stomach clenched as the man looked him up and down, sizing him up. He looked like a rottweiler eyeing a particularly juicy steak. Light remembers how he had to turn his back when they had done it, this man totally creeped him out. He hoped his father wouldn’t pick up on anything strange.

Perhaps the man had forgotten him. “Er, my girlfriend should be back in a moment.” Light finally spoke, trying not to slur. Despite his mind feeling rather foggy, he registered the need to plaster his mask of perfection back on.

The man did not listen to him, and sat down anyway. “Light? Right? I remember you.” The man smiled, pervertedly, and placed a hand on Light’s arm. Light swallowed in disgust and tried not to flinch. Where was Misa when you actually needed her?

“I…I’m s-sorry, do I know you?” Light stuttered, and cursed himself for it.

“Hm, you must be quite the busy bee to not remember me.” The man chuckled darkly. “But I suppose it has been a while. It’s Kyosuke. Higuchi Kyosuke, remember?”

Light hazily placed the face to the name, and tried to muster up a polite smile. “Oh, right, of course.” Light laughed. He didn’t really care what the man’s name was, why did it matter to him? 

“How have you been, Light?” The man asked conversationally, making Light want to throw up. God, how he hated small talk. “You must be in college now, huh?”

“First year.” Light confirmed. “I’ve been good, how are you?”

“Oh, business is good. Better than ever, I guess.” The man chuckled. “Though i’d be even better if you came back with me to my house tonight.”

*Yuck!* Light bites back a grimace and tastes bile. Is that from the proposition or the alcohol? He cannot believe how forward this man is acting. Come back with him? Light will most certainly not be doing anything of the sort!

“Ah, I shouldn’t.” Light laughs.

“Oh? And why not, aren’t you an adult now?” Higuchi questions him, and Light feels the walls start to close in. What if this man won’t take no for an answer? What if he tries to force Light? Then his father will find out, and everything will be ruined! No, this isn’t good! Light needs and excuse, and fast…Oh why oh why did he pick now, of all times, to get plastered? His mind isn’t working at it’s normal speed, and Light feels sluggish. 

“I- have work!” Light blurts, and the man’s eyes narrow.

“Where do you work?” He asks lightly, but Light still panics.

“For Kira!” Light offers, before feeling his insides shrink. *Oh NO!* Of all the times to put his foot in his mouth, this was undoubtedly the worst time. He wants the ground to swallow him up, literally. To drag him down into nothingness, just to escape the embarrassment he has just subjected himself to. 

And on the off chance that this man is Kira, he shouldn’t know that Light is on the Kira task force working to capture him! And he knows Light’s real name!

Light feels sweat drip down his face as Higuchi’s eyes widen with shock. He’s surely a dead man walking. 

“For Kira?” Higuchi whispers, and Light feels an opportunity has just been presented to himself. *Good job on your wording, Light.* Yes, he can use this. He can pretend to be on Kira’s side, to see if Higuchi knows who Kira is. 

“Y-yeah…well I mean, I kinda work for him.” Light whispers conspiratorially, and Higuchi leans in closer. 

“Impossible!” Higuchi scoffs. “A pretty little thing like you? Never!”

Light bristles, and has to swallow his offense. He could totally be Kira if he wanted to! He’s incredibly smart, after all. Much more than a pretty face! *L thinks I could be Kira!* He thinks, sourly. But he then realizes that Higuchi has just unknowingly confessed to being Kira! How else could he be so sure that Light isn’t?

*Play along.* Light tells himself, making his face look as earnest as possible. *I’ve just got to fish for some sort of information. If he lets anything slip, I can use that.*

“It’s true!” He insists. “The police don’t know this, but there are multiple Kira’s. And I have his…powers.”

“P-powers?” All of the color has drained from Higuchi’s misshapen face. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. Light can see his guilt as plain as day, and he tries not to smirk in victory. 

“Yep.” Light pops his ‘p’ and stares Higuchi down. “And you know why I’m telling you?” He leans in closer to the man, and whispers very quietly into his ear. “Because I know you share this power too.”

As he pulls away, Light knows that his risky move has been a success. Higuchi looks as if he has just seen a ghost. Light inwardly congratulates himself, he’s been right on the money yet again. 

“You have…the notebook too?” Higuchi whispers, and Light’s confused. What on earth does a notebook have to do with anything? But of course, he can’t say no. That would clue the man in. So he simply nods. 

Then, Higuchi suddenly grasps his arm. Trying not to draw attention to himself, he hastily pulls Light with him down a long hallway. A bathroom. Light inwardly gulps, has he made a mistake? Is Higuchi going to get rid of him? Before he can panic, however, he is shoved into a stall. 

“Okay, what’s the deal?” The man hisses, stalking up to Light. Light gulps, and backs away to the furthest corner of the bathroom. Higuchi towers over him, his hot breath hitting his face. Light tries not to grimace. “Are you fucking with me?”

“N-no!” Light defends, holding his hands up. “I swear! I mean, how else would I have known you were Kira?” This seems to calm the man, and he steps back a few paces. Light lets out a breath he hadn’t of even realized he was holding. His heart is beating furiously inside of his ribcage.

“How did you know I was Kira?” Higuchi demands, making Light panic again. Yeah, how did he know? Light can’t even imagine an excuse believable enough to offer. His stomach twists.

But before he can panic any further, Higuchi offers him an out. “Did your shinigami tell you?”

*A god of death?* Light nearly scoffs at the idea. Is this man on drugs? But, in the message that the second Kira sent shinigami had been mentioned…and in the suicide notes that had been directed to L, another message about those demons had been written as well. 

L, do you know? God’s of death who love apples, have red hands.

Light hopes it isn’t clear how much this idea disturbs him. He had always been logical, and had never believed in the paranormal. While his kiddie friends had run from monsters under their bed, he had slept soundly each night. Light had never believed in santa, the tooth fairy, or the boogeyman. Ghost stories didn’t scare him, and horror movies made him roll his eyes. There was no possible way Gods of death existed, there just wasn’t! 

But, he’d better play along. Higuchi seemed convinced that these beings existed. Was Kira suffering from some form of schizophrenia? 

“Y-yes, it did.” Light confirmed, and the man ran his hands through his hair. 

“Oh, Jesus.” He exhaled. “Are you the one? Who I’m supposed to guard the Death Note for? My shinigami told me I was to keep writing down the names of criminals, that the first Kira had been apprehended. Have you finally escaped?”

Light was torn between feeling amusement at this inane situation, or horror at all of the nonsense that was being spouted towards him. This man was saying to many crazy things at once! He most definitely was not the one Higuchi was supposed to guard this ‘Death Note’ for! And what the hell was a Death Note?

But instead of voicing his inner thoughts, he nodded his head gravely. “Yes, I was detained for these past few months. But I knew I had to come to this party, to find you.”

“Oh wow.” He breathed out, and Light nearly scoffed. Higuchi was dumber than he could of imagined! Did he not even consider the possibility that Light was just making this up? He hadn’t offered any original information, after all. He just agreed with everything Higuchi told him. How had he not been caught already?

“I could of never imagined someone as breathtaking as YOU could possibly be the God of the New World..But-“ Higuchi suddenly grabbed Light’s hands, making him almost gag. “Light, this is perfect. You and me, we can rule as Kira together!”

Light pretended to be excited at this prospect, instead of disgusted. “We can.” He nodded, using one of his most saccharine smiles. He could see the joy inside of Higuchi’s eyes. “Will you show me how you judge criminals? It would please me so, as I haven’t been able to…kill a single one in months.” He absolutely despised pretending to be Kira, it made his insides feel full of poison. He hoped Higuchi hadn’t noticed his hesitation.

He hadn’t. But he still frowned, making Light’s mind race. Had he said something wrong? “I’d love to show you. I’d love to kill with you by my side, but…I left my Death Note at home.” He scowled, dropping Light’s hands and putting his own to his mouth. 

Light almost scowled, he needed proof! “I understand.” He dropped his eyes and pretended to looked crushed by this news.

But then, the man gasped excitedly. “Oh! But I have a scrap with me! I could do it here…oh, but I already wrote your girlfriend’s agent’s name in here. I think he heard me and my associates talking about Kira.”

Light felt horror crawling it’s way up his throat, and had to struggle not to cry. L had been right, they were trying to kill him! Light knew they didn’t have Matsuda’s name, so he wouldn’t be harmed. But still, to hear Kira talking about his crimes so plainly…it sickened him, to his very core.

How could L have ever thought he’d be capable of this?

But he just smiled sweetly. “That was good thinking.” He lied through his teeth. “We can’t have anyone knowing about us, every obstacle must be stopped.”

“Thank you.” Higuchi shot him a smug smile, and wrapped his arms around Light’s shoulders, pulling him in. “I’ll do anything to fulfill our mission, Kira.”

Light felt himself choking on Higuchi’s strong cologne. And he hated, HATED being called Kira! For he most certainly was not! He was an innocent lamb, trapped in the arms of the lion. 

“Can I see it?” Light asked coyly, wanting to see proof. “I want to..relish the thought of his death, I need to see it with my own eyes.” What had Higuchi meant, writing Matsuda’s name? Did that mean he was going to save it for later? Light still couldn’t understand the concept of needing a person’s name in order to kill them. What was Higuchi planning? And how did he mean to carry it out?

Higuchi nodded against his head, and released the brunette. Light smiled at him charmingly, as the man reached into his pocket. “Here it is.” He proclaimed, offering the slip of paper to Light.

Light took it without hesitation, needing to see confirmation with his own eyes. He gazed upon the paper with feigned delight, while his stomach filled with sickness. 

Taro Matsui, dies in an car accident on his way home. 

*Matsuda was meant to die…in a car accident…how is that even possible? But he was…was going to die..* His mind spun as he struggled to keep his dinner down. He now had proof that Higuchi was acting as Kira. It was right in front of him, in black and white. The ink stared back at him sinisterly, showing him a future that nearly became reality. 

When Light looked up to Higuchi again, he felt his heart drop into his stomach. He couldn’t scream, he couldn’t move. His heart was beating furiously against his ribcage, but he could no longer hear his own breathing. He felt his own eyes go wide with terror.

And for a moment, he felt as if he would pass out. From sheer terror. 

The world around him seemed to fade as ice crept into his veins. His heart stuttered with terror and his lungs shriveled in his chest. Light felt as if his eyes would pop out of his sockets if they opened wider. Time seemed to stop completely and his body wasn’t listening to him. He wanted to move. He wanted to scream. He wanted to be back at HQ with L. 

And he never wanted to admit to himself that what he was seeing was real.

In front of him towered a monstrous creature. It’s white skeletal body towered over him, making him shrink back on instinct. It’s bleached bones protrude from it’s body. It’s yellowish eyes, well eye, bore down into him, burning holes into his skin. It has bandages wrapped around one side of it’s face, making it appear like a cyclops. The creature’s lone yellow eye studies him, analyzes him coldly. The yellow orb is apathetic, much like L’s, but Light can see the evilness lurking behind those walls. It’s painted lilac lips are drawn back into a disinterested frown, and it looks as if it wants to eat him. Though, maybe that’s his fear talking.

He is reminded of the demon in his dream. But this is real life. Isn’t it? Should he pinch himself? No, he can feel the fearfulness inside of himself that only real life can inspire. He is trapped, there is no way to escape. This shinigami, is that what it’s called? This shinigami could swallow him whole, pick the meat off his bones as it ravages him. It could let out a sharp breath of air and simply knock him over. He is powerless against this being, it can control him. 

Will this God of Death decide to snuff out his existence? Light feels his legs teeter, before he falls backwards onto the toilet seat. He lets out a sharp breath and blinks, hoping the monster will disappear. It does not.

He is living inside of a nightmare. Nothings real. 

“-you alright?” He is suddenly aware of someone speaking to him, but it sounds as if they are underwater. His vision turns his surroundings grey. Shaking his head slightly, he looks up to find Higuchi staring down at him with concern etched all over his features.

Oh no, he has to act normal. he has to act as if these Death gods are no more frightening than a mere fly. He has to act familiar with demons, or else Higuchi will learn of his fraud. And then, he will be dead no matter what.

He offers a weak smile, and stands up, despite his shaky legs. He grabs on to a bar beside the stool to steady himself. “I think…the sake is getting to me.” Light slightly laughs. “Sorry about that, I’m a bit of a lightweight.”

“Oh, I remember.” Higuchi laughs in relief, believing his lies. “The last time we met, you could barely stand upright!”

*That’s right, he almost fucked me into oblivion.* Light remembers, repulsion filling his being. Higuchi truly is wicked, disgusting.

“Yes, I’ll be quite alright in a few moments.” He reassures, but then a thought comes to mind. He swallows despite his parched throat, which won’t really make his oncoming request untrue. “Could you get me a glass of water?”

Higuchi just smiles and nods, fucking off to go and do his bidding like all of the other mindless drones taken in by his charm.

The shinigami doesn’t move, it stays stagnant. It must want to talk to him too. Light wilts at the prospect at being left alone with this spawn of satan, but mentally rebukes himself. He’ll need as much information as possible, as much as this being is willing to offer. Will it want to help him? Is it loyal to Higuchi? Light has the sinking feeling that it can see through his deception. This shinigami surely knows he isn’t Kira. 

The only question is, will it betray his secret?

“…Are you real?” Light finally whispers, feeling himself shrinking under this things intense gaze.

It stares back at him, unblinking, and Light entertains the idea of escape. But it finally decides to open it’s mouth, showcasing it’s rows of fangs.

“I am.” It confirms, in an ancient voice. It is deep and unnerving, with no emotion whatsoever. And it sounds distinctly feminine. 

“Are you going to hurt me?” Light whispers back. “Shinigami, it means God of Death, right?”

The thing does not answer him this time, so Light persists.

“Please, I mean you no harm.” Light soothes, before mentally slapping himself. “I mean, it’s not like you’re afraid of me, of course you aren’t. I know I’m at your mercy, I just-“

“Light Yagami.” It finally speaks his name, making him shutter. The words sound poisonous coming from this unholy thing’s mouth. “What are you doing? I know you are not Kira. And I can smell the deceit rolling off of you.”

Light cringes at the fact that he has been found out. “I-I don’t know.” He confesses, and it’s the truth. He has absolutely no idea what he has gotten himself into. Because this, this is hellish. He had never imagined anything as bad as this. Kira is more dangerous than he could have ever imagined, he has supernatural powers on his side. A literal God of destruction is aiding him. Light could be killed, just because he couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“I-I was framed I think.” He confesses, but he doesn’t know why he’s telling the demon this. It surely won't care about such trivial human matters. “And I just wanted to find out who Kira was, to prove that I wasn’t him…and I never expected this! I-I mean….this is crazy.” He utters the last part, mainly to himself, and sinks back down onto the toilet.

“What’s a Death Note?” he questions in a hushed voice, afraid to know the answer. But he thinks he already does. The notebook…Higuchi writing down the names of criminals….Matsuda’s death warrant…It literally has the word ‘death’ in it! Does that mean-

“A Death Note is a book of death.” The demon tells him. “The user will write the name of a victim inside, and they will die.”

A chill goes through Light’s spine as these words are spoken to him. His worst suspicions have been confirmed. Though it is an impossible phenomenon, this shinigami wouldn’t lie. Why would it? It faces no consequences for these crimes.

“And that’s how Kira kills.” Light breathes out. “I-I don’t understand..” He feels himself on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Hush!” The shinigami commands, and Light obeys without hesitation. “You must stay calm, you are in danger.”

“H-huh?” He stutters. “From Higuchi?”

“From many things.” It informs him. “You, and Misa Amane.”

“M-Misa?” He asks, quite confused. Why would Higuchi want to harm Misa? “What’s he going to do to her?”

“You care for her?” The demon asks, ignoring his question.

Light gulps, it would probably not be wise to tell this thing his true feelings. It seems to…care about Misa? “I-I do.” He nods, hoping he sounds believable. Because while he does not love her in any sense of the word, he cares enough to not want her to die.

“Good.” It nods, seeming appeased. “I will not tell Higuchi of your true intentions. I do not care for the man, to be honest with you. I am only doing what I was told.”

“Told? Who are you working for?” He questions, and can’t help the dread that seeps into his voice. How many more people are involved?

And for that matter, how many other shinigami are involved? Was the one he saw in his dream…? “Are there others of your kind?” He asks. “I had a dream…and I saw a demon. B-but…it wasn’t a dream, was it?”

“The demon you saw, was it blue in color? Did he have red eyes.” It questions, and Light nods. A strange numbness fills him. His worst fears have just been confirmed.

He really is in danger. Something is intent on harming him. Because, in his dream, there was another notebook! That must’ve been…and the demon had said he was Kira…but no! He wasn’t! He couldn’t be.

“I’m not Kira, right?” He blurts out, wanting this strange creature’s reassurance. It knows more than anyone else, after all. 

It shakes it’s head, and Light feels relief flood himself. He trusts the shinigami, though he doesn’t know why. 

He’s officially lost the plot. 

Before he can question the shinigami any further, the bathroom door bursts open. Higuchi has returned, but is wearing a panicked look. He quickly hands the water to Light, who drinks from it greedily. He has to feel the cooling liquid slide down his throat, to reassure himself that he is still living. 

“Listen, Light, I have to go.” The man tells him urgently. “That guy, Matsui or whatever, he’s just fallen off the balcony!”

Light makes himself appear shocked, but inwardly he smiles. L’s plan has worked perfectly. Matsuda will live to see another day. “Huh? But I thought he was to die in a car accident? You showed me the paper..”

“I know!” The man shouts, but quickly regains his composure. “I know!” He whispers again. “But that drunken fool just climbed up there…and, and fell!”

“Well.” Light says, trying to sound calm. “At least he’s dead. He won’t cause problems for us, anymore.”

“Yes, that’s a relief.” Higuchi agrees, sighing. “But, I’ve gotta get out of here! I can’t be a witness, none of us can. It’ll just be too messy-“

“Hey, I understand.” Light soothes, smiling sweetly. He places his hands on the man’s shoulder’s, ignoring the twinge of revulsion. “You have to leave, the police can’t get any wind of you acting suspicious. Or being near death in any capacity. We’ll talk soon.”

“Okay!” The man agrees enthusiastically, and suddenly pulls Light into a kiss. Light starts, but kisses back with no hesitation. He is a master at acting, after all. The kiss is wet and sloppy, possessive. It feels nasty. It fills him with a foreign feeling, one that makes him want to fling himself off the nearest bridge. Reaction pools in his gut, making him feel as if he’s just rolled in the mud.

Ah, depravity. He hadn’t missed this feeling. It had disappeared…with L. This man was nothing like L. 

Higuchi pulls away and smiles down at him, lecherously. Light plays the part of the blushing virgin, the pure ingenue. He offers him his doe eyes, that are dripping with sweetened honey. Higuchi is drawn to him as a sailor is to a siren, and looks upon him adoringly. Light is the seducer, the betrayer. He will make Higuchi pay for what he’s done, in the only way he knows how.

By destroying his heart.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and another suit rushes in. Higuchi abruptly pulls his hand away from the teenagers face, but not before the stranger gets an eyeful of their compromising position.

“Higuchi! What are you doing?” The stranger angrily demands. “You can fuck kids later. We’ve gotta go!”

“Fuck off.” Higuchi sniffs, not caring in the slightest that he was just referred to as a common deviant. But, if it walks like a duck. “You still have my number?”

“Yes.” Light whispers, promisingly. He narrows his eyes suggestively, lustily. He thinks he still has the man’s number. 

“Okay…that’s perfect.” He breathes out, not even bothering to hide his debased lust. The suit shouts again.

Higuchi groans, and Light knows what that means. If Matsuda hadn’t just created a ruckus, he most likely would’ve been made to take it against the sink counter. He shudders at the thought. 

Higuchi presses one more chaste kiss to his forehead, before hurrying out the door. The shinigami follows, casting one last look back at Light. He can’t decipher what that look means. All he knows is that he is safe, for now. 

He slumps against the bathroom floor, and his emotions hit him like a tidal wave. He immediately starts shaking, and bursts into tears. Burying his hands in his face, he can’t control the loud sobs that seep from his body. Fear takes ahold of his heart, and he continues to wail miserably.

He cannot believe all that he has seen tonight. He feels as if he has just traipsed through hell and back, and seen things that no human should ever. He has just kissed bloody Kira, and is now thought to be his accomplice. He has talked to a real shinigami, and learnt that he is in danger. He knows that his nightmare was real. At the very least, it was a premonition. 

There is another demon out there, one who he doubts will be as subdued as the white one. This demon wishes him harm, he knows this. It called him Kira after all! And remembering that place, that desolate wasteland…the fear he felt, the horror at seeing his misshapen face…

Another bout of sobs wrack his body. He never wants to face that particular shinigami again. He does not want to be reminded of that feeling of despair. And he most certainly does NOT want to be Kira! Next time the demon sees him, what if it isn’t a dream? What if the demon…

*Kills me, he could kill me.* Light thinks, and his breath becomes caught in his throat. He coughs violently, furiously swiping tears off of his face. 

And the notebook! Or, the ‘Death Note’ as they called it. How is he supposed to believe in something so fantastical? And how could such a thing exist? How did Higuchi get his hands on it? And who else could have this power? Where is the other demon, and when will he make his return?

Is he loosing his mind?

He almost can’t hear the ringing of his phone over his own cries, but feels the buzzing against his thigh. Gasping in an attempt to catch his breath, he fumbles through his pocket. 

Sniffing loudly, he reads ‘blocked number’ through his watery eyes. Swallowing thickly, he flips open the phone. He doesn’t speak, in fear that he will burst into more anguished howls.

“Light-kun?” L voice comes through the other line. “They’re gone, come out to the limo.”

“HOW could you be so…so..so careless!” Soichiro rages. Light sighs, and sinks deeper into his computer chair. He has adopted L’s posture, and hugs his knees to his chest. He hasn’t stopped shaking.

Everything was monitored by security cameras, of course. Including the bathroom. Everyone, his father and L, watched him seduce Kira. He would feel shame, but fear overpowers any other emotion. 

As soon as he got back into the limo, he was promptly handcuffed. L hadn’t of even spared him a glance, choosing to glance out the widow and sit stiffly turned away from the crying brunette. L hadn’t cared about his sobs, and was content to allow Light to bawl the whole way back. He hadn’t of offered Light any form of comfort, which had just dug the knife in deeper. Light was utterly miserable. He knew that L must be furious with him, for kissing another man. He must be furious with Light for acting so…well, carelessly, like his father said.

Light swallows a lump in his throat. He had just wanted to help! He had never imagined the horrors that lie in wait for him. He hadn’t imagined Higuchi would’ve molested him, he hadn’t of wanted him to! Loose tears still occasionally drip down his cheeks, and he tries in vain to muffle his pitiful sobs. He feels awful for crying in front of his coworkers like this, but he cannot help it. He feels utterly shell-shocked. Horrified beyond belief. 

“..and admitting to being Kira!” His father continues on, anger burning in his eyes. “You should never say those things, even as a joke. My God, it’s like you're asking to be convicted of this crime!"

“I didn’t mean it.” Light defends in his broken voice, run ragged with his cries. “I just needed him to confess! And I got him to, didn’t you see?”

“Oh, I saw a lot more than that.” His father laughs spitefully. “What I saw, was my son acting like a depraved harlot! Out in the open, in a fucking bathroom for heaven’s sakes! Not to mention, with an older man! A MAN? I cannot believe you Light, have you no pride?”

“I didn’t want him to!” Light squeaks. Though that pesky knife, it plunges into his heart with a vengeance. To know that his own father has witnessed his filthy actions…to hear his disgust…Light almost wishes he had just told Higuchi to write his own name! He always knew his father would be ashamed in him, but it still hurts all the same. 

“It didn’t look that way to me!” His father spits, pacing furiously. “You’ve just committed adultery! Hear that, Light? You’re an adulterer! Poor Misa, can you even imagine how she feels?”

Light feels himself sink even lower into despair.

“I-it’s okay Mr. Yagami.” Misa offers, meekly. She has been standing behind Light the entire time, rubbing his shoulders soothingly. It hadn’t helped. “He didn’t mean to! He was just trying to catch that awful new Kira! Weren’t you, Light?”

Before Light can respond to her soothing words, L’s cold voice cuts in.

“The actions that Light-kun took were rash and dangerous.” L deadpans, and Light shrinks under his scathing glare. He feels the heat of the sun on him, with those angry black eyes harshly boring into him. “He could’ve been killed as well, and I wouldn’t of been able to save him. Do you realize the danger you’ve put this whole investigation in?”

“He doesn’t know I’m not Kira.” Light argues. “He thinks I’m on his side!”

“That doesn’t matter.” His father dismisses. “What you did was dangerous!"

“Well..Light-kun managed to get a confession from the guy.” Matsuda offered. “I thought that what he did was really brave.”

Light saw both L and his father turn their scathing glares onto Matsuda, making him flinch. “And YOU!” L shouts, forgetting himself. “What in the possible FUCK were you hoping to accomplish? You realize this whole mess is because of you, right? Because of your foolish attempt at investigating. Honestly, am I dealing with children?”

“L’s right.” His father chimes in, berating the rookie even further. “This is a professional investigation! Not a game, and certainly not a matter to be taken lightly. We are investigating a serial killer! You can’t go putting yourselves in harms way, all willy nilly!”

“You and Light should start an idiot club together.” Aizawa grumbles. “This night has been a total nightmare!”

“Sayu would’ve done a better job tonight!” His father states, most unhelpfully. “Your fourteen year old sister would’ve been safer! You had one job, Light! To go to a party and watch out for Misa! How hard is that?”

Light just stares angrily at the floor. How can his father and L just disregard his discovery? It had been pure luck, a stroke of genius on his part! That sadness and fear is slowly being replaced by burning indignation. He can’t help it, he is pissed. He worked so hard, and for what? Nothing at all! Not even a thank you!

“Uh…guys, I really am sorry for tonight.” Matsuda finally speaks again. “I know it was stupid, and irresponsible and…well, just plain stupid. But we do have a suspect now, isn’t that good?”

“More than a suspect.” Light bitterly mutters. “He SHOWED me how he kills! I know how Kira kills-“

“Light, no.” L interrupts. “We will not go over this foolishness again.”

“Well, why not?” Light demands, glaring sullenly at the detective. “I SAW Matsuda’s alias written! I saw that he was meant to die! Higuchi admitted he was Kira, and I even saw the shinigami-“

“Oh Jesus.” Aizawa groans. “Here we go again.”

“Light-kun, shinigami do not exist.” L states, actually having the nerve to roll his eyes at Light. “You were seeing things, due to your drunken state.”

Light’s eyes widen. “Seeing things?” Light demands. “I didn’t imagine a demon! And I wasn’t that drunk either, I know what I saw. It was right in front of me, for crying out loud! I had a whole conversation with it, didn’t you see?”

“What we saw,” His father sighs. “was my son having a conversation with thin air! There was no demon anywhere in sight.”

“That’s because you have to touch that paper, or whatever. It has to be.” Light argues. “I didn’t see the demon either before Higuchi showed me Matsuda’s name.”

“That’s absurd.” His father dismisses, making Light clench his fists. “Demons or spirits don’t exist son. You’re tired and confused-“

“Stop making me sound crazy, dammit!” Light spits, standing up in a rage. “I couldn’t of imagined the whole thing! It was there!”

“No one’s saying you’re crazy Light.” Misa soothes, coming to stand in front of him. She rubs his arms comfortingly. “But you were under a lot of stress! You have been for months, and who knows what was in that sake? It was probably a hallucination-“

“It wasn’t!” Light snaps. “I swear, it was as real to me as you all are.”

An uncomfortable silence spreads across the room, as everyone looks at Light as though he has just sprouted another head. This makes his blood boil, so he continues. 

“How else do you explain how Kira kills, huh?” He demands looking angrily across the room. “It has to be supernatural! How else would he have the power to kill without being present? It makes too much sense! Higuchi showed me Matsuda’s name written-“

“Light-kun is tired.” L interrupts, telling Light exactly what he is. Light is not tired. He resists the urge to throttle the raven. “You have had an exciting day, after all. There is no use talking about shinigami now. But, we do know that Higuchi is Kira. We will start investigating him tomorrow, but for now Light-kun needs rest.”

“Stop patronizing me!” Light snaps. “Please, L, tell me you at least believe me?”

L just stares at him blankly. “I believe that Light has found the third Kira.” He tells him, unfeelingly. “And while the actions he took were…risky, to say the least, at least this night was not a total waste of time.”

“…So, in a way, I helped catch Kira too!” Matsuda, unhelpfully, exclaims. No one responds to him. 

“L’s right.” His father sighs. “But while you did help tonight, you must never do that again!”

“But I have to.” Light shoots back. Oh no, they are not taking this away from him. He will not let Kira get away. He will not be punished for Higuchi’s crimes! “He trusts me now! If I can just manage to catch him killing-“

“Forget it, Light!” His father yells. “You are not to go anywhere near that man, especially if he is Kira! ‘Catch him killing’??? Are you out of your MIND? This is too risky-“

“This whole investigation is risky!” Light finally shouts, at his wits end. He throws his hands up in exasperation and hears the chain jingle. “Everyone here is putting their lives on the line! MY life has been on the line since day one! Has everyone forgotten that I was and still am L’s prime suspect, even though I’m completely innocent? My life has been more at risk than anyone’s! I thought I was going to be shot in the back of a car, for fuck’s sake!”

He freezes, as those last words leave his lips. Oops, he hadn’t of meant to loose himself. Everyone is staring at him in shock. His father looks aghast, and Light turns his head away in shame.

“Sorry.” He mutters, even though he isn’t. He’s sorry that he let his anger take ahold of him, and that it made him reveal something ugly. But he’s not sorry for the way he feels. “I-I didn’t mean that…”

But he did.

“Let’s just retire for the night, Light-kun.” L sighs, sounding exhausted. “We will discuss how to catch Higuchi tomorrow.”

Light nods numbly, and walks dejectedly after the detective. He can still feel his father’s gaze on his back, burning into him as he ascends up the stairs. He doesn’t look back. 

Him and L make their way to their room in silence. Light can feel the frigidness rolling off the detective. Fear overtakes him yet again, afraid of what the detective will do when they are in private. He can’t be that mad about Higuchi, right?

*I had no choice.* Light tries to convince himself. But he’s not sure he believes that, and he knows L won’t.

His father’s words come back to him. “...a depraved harlot…an adulterer…”

Is that what he is? Is he no better than a common libertine? His stomach twists into a painful knot. After everything he has gone though today, he doesn’t think he can deal with L’s anger. His disappointment. 

*Why can’t you do better, Light?* His thoughts chime in, to berate him even further. *You just can’t control yourself, can you? Throwing yourself at that rat like a common slut…in front of everyone…how could you? You’ll just give it up for anyone, and now they all know that. They know how sick you are, how wanton, how disgusting your true self is. You claim to be perfect, the dutiful son, the upstanding citizen. But you're no better than a two dollar hooker. L must be horrified with you.”

Light swallows these truths, and allows himself to wallow in shame. He is so consumed by his own sadness, he hardly notices that they have gone inside of their room. L turning back to him takes him back into reality. He imagines how pitiful he must look, staring back at L with rapturous repentance. He feels that he must fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But his legs feel wooden and his mouth is dry. He waits in silence, and waits for L’s fury. 

L crosses his arms. “So, how did it feel?” He asks conversationally. Light knows it’s the calm before the storm. He can feel L’s anger boiling beneath the surface, ready to spill over.

But he dutifully plays along. “How did what feel?” He whispers back, not able to tear his eyes away from L’s.

“Throwing yourself at that man?” L laughs, and it’s an acidic sound. “I never would’ve thought that HE’D be your type. Really Light?”

Light tries to swallow past the painful lump lodged inside of his throat. “I didn’t want to.” He responds lowly, bracing himself for the worst.

“Huh, that’s not what it looked like to me.” L glowers. “Tell me Light, how foolish have you grown? To reveal your entire plan in front of me?”

“What?” Light can feel the cogs inside of his mind turning. What plan? The plan to seduce Kira before cornering him?

“You and Higuchi…that’s how you’ve been able to pull it off.” L reveals slowly, like the idea has just come to him. “That’s how the murders continued while you were in captivity. That’s how you’ve been able to play innocent. You gave your powers to HIM, and now it’s your plan to get them back!”

Light feels his mouth drop open once more to collect more flies. His mind is blank, thoroughly confused by what L’s just insinuated.

“Hm? Not even going to try and deny it?” L prods, gazing at him with a challenge in his eyes. This snaps Light out of his stupor.

And not only is he befuddled, he is shaken to his core. He feels raw hurt bleeding through his veins, poisoning his blood. How could L think this? How can L STILL believe Light is capable of killing? How can he view him and Higuchi as the same? Is he really that much of a monster in L’s eyes?

He wants to scream. “No!” He yells vehemently. No longer is he cowed into submission. “How could you even say that?”

“There it is! Light’s classic innocent act.” L snorts. “I shouldn’t be surprised, really. You deny hard evidence even when it’s slapped you right in the face.”

“First of all-“ Light begins heatedly, stepping closer to L. He doesn’t know why he’s done this. “If that was my plan, why would I reveal it on security camera’s that I KNEW you were watching?”

L opens his mouth to respond, but Light doesn’t let him. He continues with a passion. 

“Second of all, I could never be that evil.” He spits, looking straight into L’s abyssal eyes. “I was sickened by Higuchi, how could you not see that? All I was doing was acting, that’s all! And I only did so to prove my innocence, to you especially.”

L rolls his eyes, so Light speaks again. 

“After everything we’ve been through…why won’t you believe me?” Light feels his voice drop into a saddened whisper, loosing all of it’s fury. “I thought…maybe you had finally started believing in me. That MAYBE you had started to care-“

“You admitted to being Kira.” L interrupted, coldly. “You somehow convinced Higuchi, talking about powers-“

“I was fishing for information!” Light returns the favor, interjecting loudly. “Obviously, I had to seem as if I was Kira. The only reason I convinced Higuchi was because he’s as taken in by my charm as everyone else. It’s called acting!”

“Is it?” It’s phrased as a question, but spoken with a finality. “You seemed quite taken in.”

“No!” Light protests, shaking his head. “I was disgusted-“

“That’s not what it looked like to me!” L yells. “You want to know what I think? I think that if he would’ve asked you to come back to his house, you would’ve launched yourself into his arms.”

Light flinches, and L smirks. He knows that he’s hit a nerve. “Is that really how low you’ll go? Anyone can fuck Light, as long as they have a dick. Or rather, will Kira be so willing to soil himself in whatever means necessary to regain his powers?"

“That’s not-“ Light protests, but is once again interrupted. 

“That’s my fault, for allowing myself to be fooled by your sweet face.” L hisses. “Now I’m worried, I should’ve had you checked for STDs.”

Light feels as if he has just been slapped in the face, and feels tears start to gather in the corner of his eyes. He sharply turns away, not wanting L to see any weakness. 

“Stop it.” He mumbles, brokenly. “I only care for you, not Higuchi.”

“Oh, I’m flattered.” L sarcastically drones. 

“Please!” Light furiously spins around to look upon L again, blinking away wetness. “Please, just believe me! I hated kissing him, I just-“

“You want my forgiveness?” L snaps. “Earn it.”

With that, L seizes his wrist and pushes him towards the bed. Light feels his blood run cold, but allows himself to be tossed around like a rag doll. L is angry with him, and he must atone for his sins. 

The raven climbs on top of him and pins his hands above his head. Light feels nausea roll through his stomach. L looks down at him, coldly. His charcoal eyes looks more bleak than usual.

He leans down to bite his ear. Light feels the tender flesh ache under piercing teeth, and suppresses a whimper. L bites down, ferociously, before removing his mouth to utter deadly words to him.

“You’re nothing to me here.” He whispers. “You’ll take what I give you, and you’ll like it. Because that’s who you are. But I….I won’t feel anything.”

Torment strums at his soul as L tugs off his pants. 

“You are not given my affections, you earn them.” L continues, gripping him tightly. “And you better be prepared for some serious groveling.”

Light leans his head back and closes his eyes, trying in vain to drown out his surroundings. Trying in vain to forget what is happening. For it not to affect him. He knows what is coming. L will give him what he wants, in the worst way possible. He will drive him to the edge with sweet pleasure and leave him waiting. He will show Light how worthless, how small he is without him. 

His grip is unrelenting and Light feels weightless. He wishes that L could just have a normal conversation with him about why he’s upset, and then they could come to a peaceful conclusion together. But, Light is left alone to shoulder the burden. 

“Do you like that?” L murmurs from above him. Light keeps his eyes shut. Blackness fills his vision and splotches of light occasionally make an appearance. “You like me? How much?”

Light can’t answer, and settles for a mournful sigh. He cannot help it. After all they’ve been through, L still has the ability to break him after only a few choice words. Sometimes he is truly convinced that L does care for him. That maybe he does reciprocate his feelings. But then, L will take him like this and remind him of his depravity. Of his weakness. Why must L make him feel like this? And more importantly, why does he let him? Why cannot he not stop caring for this man?

He can feel the rapid rising and falling of his chest. Nothing else registers, not even L’s ministrations. He doesn’t even know if he’s aroused. It just feels painful. Everything from tonight has been painful. And not even L can understand him, in this moment. He just wants his pound of flesh. 

His heart throbs as he is reminded of some particular painful memories. The past mixies with the present, making him want to bolt upright. He wants to run and hide, to ride out reminders of his past alone. But he feels paralyzed, catatonic. 

Suddenly, he is fourteen again. He is back in his old classroom, with his old classmates. He has been asked to stay after class, because of a test he has failed. He remembers the agony that had pierced his heart. The feeling of shame that had overtaken him. The only reason he had failed that test was from lack of sleep. You see, the night before his parents had engaged in an awful fight. Light hadn’t of known what it was about. Only that he had buried his head into the safety of his pillow, to try and drown out the noise. Music had blared into his ears, but the lyrics hadn’t of distracted him. He was made to listen to awful yelling, and horrible screams. That level of hatred had never been present in his house before. He could feel the discord seep from his walls, preventing him from rest.

And even hours after the horrible fight had ended, he still couldn’t sleep. For he had had the awful feeling that this fight was about him. He had heard his name mentioned, but was too terrified to listen in further. Because if it had been about him, what had he done? How had he disappointed his parents so? He didn’t want to believe that he could’ve been the cause of such a nasty fight, not for one second. But he had been internally tormented for the remainder of the night, until his alarm clock had blared.

Then, he had risen to face the school day. But he had almost fallen asleep on the train ride over. Numerous times throughout the day he had almost turned his desk into a makeshift bed. He had felt his sunken eyes struggle to remain open. He had walked through school with the likeness of a zombie. He had felt drained and enfeebled. 

Which is how he had been so distracted from his test. And he hated that he had let his guard down. He was terrified of his parents finding out, and becoming enraged with him. He knew it would cause another fight, and this one would certainly be about him. He felt sick even entertaining the idea that he could bring such shame to his family. The ticking from the clock on the wall only grated his nerves further. He imagined his mother’s sorrowful eyes at learning of his disgraceful mark. His father, if he was even present, would look at him with disgust. He would be grounded, because he hadn’t of fulfilled his duties. He had messed up, and that was unforgivable. Being Light Yagami meant that there was no room for mistakes. 

He had placed his shaking hands under his desk to hide his nerves. He had doodled notes in his notebook until his pencil had snapped. Mindless chatter and note passing hadn’t of phased him. It all sounded like white noise. Even the teacher’s lecturing didn’t affect him. He simply watched the teacher’s lips move with deadened eyes. The sun seemed to shine on him especially. As if highlighting his grievous mistake. He tried in vain not to nervously tap his foot against the linoleum floors. 

The bell had rung, almost making him shoot out of his seat. He waited respectfully in his seat as his peers filed out of his class. They were on their way to enjoy the weekend, after all. Not him. He knew that he must stay behind, and somehow beg his teacher to let him retake the test. His parents could never know of his blunder.

No matter what he had to do, he would make it right. 

“Mr. Yagami?” The teacher had called, making the vein in his forehead twitch. “Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

Light slowly rose from his seat, attempting to swallow his nerves. He made his way slowly to the front of the classroom, hating himself for what he was about to do. Light Yagami never begged for a better grade. He had never needed to before today. Time seemed to move especially slow, as he felt his feet drag with dread. 

“Yes, there was.” He spoke in a whisper, attempting to make eye contact with his teacher. He tried to muster up a polite expression. “I-I was hoping we could discuss the most recent test.”

“Ah, yes.” The teacher nodded and folded his arms, leaning back against his chair. “I was surprised, Mr. Yagami. Usually you are so ahead of everyone else. What happened?"

Light quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to watch a scornful expression adorn his teachers face. He tried to remind himself what he was there for. His teacher’s opinion didn’t matter to him, not as much as his parent’s. 

“I know.” He heard his voice crack, and cursed himself. “Forgive me, Tanaka-sensei. I know it’s no excuse, but I hadn’t of gotten any sleep the previous night. I was tired, and…” He trailed off, unsure of what to say next. 

“Those sound like a lot of excuses, Mr. Yagami.” The teacher comments drolly, making his face heat up.

“i-It’s not I swear.” He hurriedly protests. “Please, there must be something I can do! I can retake it, or do some extra credit! Please, my parents will-“

“I get it.” The teacher interrupts, making Light look up in shock. “Children don’t want to be grounded for their bad grades, right? You think that I can help you make this all go away?”

Light stiffly nods his head. A weird pit settles in the bottom of his stomach.

“Well, I’d be willing to help you out.” He starts. “But…you’d have to be willing to do me a favor in return.”

Light’s heart skips a beat. “Anything!” He exclaims. He doesn’t care what it is. If he has to clean whiteboards, or help grade papers, or-

“Good.” The teacher smiles, and Light feels ice flood his veins. That smile is…off. It is far too wide to be perceived as genuine. His eyes narrow promisingly, looking Light up and down. He suddenly feels as if he is in danger, and resists the urge to run. His stomach clenches.

“Now, I can just change your grade and the answers. Just to save us all some time.” The teacher rises from his chair, slowly walking over to stand in front of Light. He is much too close for comfort, and Light attempts to step back. But his back hits the desk and his teacher only moves closer. He stares down at Light wickedly, making the brunette feel small.

“T-thank you.” Light murmurs, not knowing what else to say. He just wants to leave. He can smell something akin to burnt coffee rolling off the man. It makes his nostrils twitch. 

“It’ll be our little secret.” The man promises him lowly. He suddenly leans down, so their noses are touching. Light gulps, and feels frozen. “You can keep secrets, can’t you?”

Light nods once, feeling fear capture his heart. Why is he so close?

“I know you can.” The teacher comments slyly. “That’s why you’re going to keep mine, as a favor to me. Because that’s what friends do, they help each other out. And keep secrets. I’ve helped you and kept your secret. It’s only fair that you do the same, hm?”

And before Light can respond, he feels the man’s cold hand grab his chin. He yanks Light’s head up and Light yelps. The man’s dark brown eyes are filled with a want. A burning want that makes Light feel sick. The man’s head lurches forward, and his lips capture Light’s. The roughness and forgives of it all makes Light squeak in alarm. But it is muffled by the teacher’s dry lips. 

He yanks his head back an stares at the man, horrified. The teacher stares back at him with anger, and Light feels himself shrink against the desk even more so.

“W-what..?” He cannot even fully form his sentence, his mouth feels dry.

“I see.” The teacher says quietly, taking a step back. “Nothing comes for free, Light. You have to earn it. But, if you don’t want my help….I understand.”

Light hesitates, before picturing his mothers disappointed face. Resignation fills his being, and he tries to look the man in the eyes. “Okay.” He nods, trying to sound determined. He feels cold, and numb. 

And scared. But that’s his own fault, of course. He had said he would be willing to do anything, after all. And Light Yagami has never failed.

The man smiles darkly, before stepping forward and recapturing his lips. 

And Light feels nothing, absolutely nothing. He forces his mind to go blank. His limbs feel wooden. His body is not his own, not in this moment. His soul has been pushed into the darkest pit. He feels dirty, and so very sinful. He can feel how wrong it all is. How he knows that he should run. But he silences his reflexes, and tries to ignore the horribleness filling him. 

And even when the man’s hands make their way down underneath his pants, he forces himself to remain still. He stifles his disgusted gasps, and tries to breath evenly. He closes his eyes, so that tears will not be able to escape. 

*It’s okay.* He had attempted to soothe himself. *It’s not that bad.*

But it had been. Something had been taken from him that day. That horribleness had never left him. The sickness had festered, even after the deed was done. The whole way home, Light had held his winning mark clutched tightly in his hand. He had felt tremors rush through his body, and resisted the urge to loose his lunch. He had received strange stares, but he was far too gone to care.

“….Light?” L questions, unease filling his voice. Light had gone strangely calm underneath him. He was still, as if death had snatched his soul. The only sign of life coming from the brunette was his unsteady breaths. He had turned his head to the side, L did not know when. He had been…somewhat preoccupied. He catches sight of a few wet trails that have made their way down Light’s face, and alarm fills him. 

He moves away from his younger, sitting by his side. Light has not yet responded to him. And L feels his worry grow. He shakes him slightly, which seems to snap the boy out of his strange daze. He blinks at L, questioningly. 

“Are you okay?” L asks, genuine concern filling his voice. 

Light blinks, and seems to remember himself. He quickly sits up and wraps the sheet around himself, attempting modesty. “Yeah.” Is all he whispers, quietly. L can hear the despair inside of the teenager’s voice, and feels his own heart clench. 

“What happened?” He prods gently, and feels Light stiffen beside him. He takes the younger’s hand, and doesn’t know why. Light SHOULD be upset for what he’s done tonight. Wasn’t that L’s mission, to punish him for his disobedience? He had wanted Light to feel remorse, so why does his melancholy state make him feel so….vile? “Was…it something I did?” He tentatively asks, fearful of the answer.

Light shakes his head listlessly. “Just a memory.”

“What memory?” L asks, sharply. He stomach twists and turns, as if someone is rearranging his organs. He attempts to banish this odd feeling, but it remains. 

Light shrugs. “Does it matter?” He laughs, humorously.

L frowns at that. “You’re upset.” He states, pointing out the obvious. “I’d like to know why.”

And Light turns to stare at him. L almost flinches, from how barren Light’s eyes have become. They look hollow. He opens his mouth, and then seems to consider something. He then sinks down into the sheets, and turns his back to the raven.

“You’d just…call me a slut.” He finally whispers, sadly. 

“I wouldn’t.” L assures, before mentally slapping himself. That was a bit hypocritical. Light seems to agree, and lets out a derisive snort. 

“Well….I didn’t mean that.” L defends, awkwardly. He can feel the deceit curdling like spoiled milk inside of himself. He had meant that Light was promiscuous, and he had said it to hurt him. 

“Didn’t you?” Light slowly turns back to L. His eyes are filled with a deep sadness. “I mean, do you even care about me? Or am I just fooling myself?”

“Of course I care about you.” L snaps, surprised by how true that statement is. He leans back, rather shocked with himself. Where had THAT come from? He hadn’t of meant it! Of course he didn’t care for Light, how could he? He was Kira for God’s sake! Was L somehow brainwashing himself as well?

Trying not to dwell on his troublesome thoughts, he switches back to his lover persona. He smiles a sickly sweet smile at the younger, and lowers his voice into a tone he hopes convey’s the great affection he holds inside of his heart for Light. “I…lost my temper tonight.” He confesses, sounding about as honest as a tax collector. “But it’s just because I care for you so! And I hated how you put yourself in danger. And…I hated the way Higuchi was touching you. I felt…well, quite jealous.”

He takes the brunette’s hand, and lays down next to him. He smiles in remorse. “I am so sorry for getting mad at you. Forgive me?”

Light’s eyes brighten with happiness, and L feels a twinge of pity. Though, he does not know why. Manipulating Light has never felt so wrong, so sinful. L thinks it sad how eager Light is to believe his lies. 

“It’s fine, I know I messed up.” Light murmurs mournfully. “I shouldn’t of let him kiss me. I-“

“It’s okay, let’s just forget that now.” L interrupts softly. He starts stroking the back of the brunette’s hand. He needs to know what happened earlier, what made Light become so despondent. “But, if you could, please tell me what happened just now?”

Light hesitates, so L presses the matter. “Please dear. I just want to know how to help you.”

Light shakes his head. “It happened in the past.” He dismisses. “There’s nothing you can do, it’s fine.”

“What happened in the past?” L persists. He doesn’t know why he needs to hear the answer. He doesn’t know why he cares. 

“Just-my first kiss.” Light reveals lowly, so low that L almost doesn’t hear him. “It was a bad experience, is all.”

“Why?” L wonders. Though being the greatest detective in the world, he already knows why. And that thought fills his being with poison.

Light is silent for a moment, and L thinks that he is going to ignore him. But, Light finally gives him the answer he covets. “Because I didn’t want it.”

L feels as if the wind has just been knocked out of him, and struggles to breath. “Did he-“

“I wasn’t raped!” Light shouts, rather loudly. “I-I would never…allow that..”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” L attempts to comfort the boy beside him, who is now shaking. A silence fills the room, and it makes the raven’s skin crawls. He hates how empty the air feels. “Did…did I trigger you?” 

Light slowly shakes his head, and L frowns. He knows Light is lying. “Light…just tell me.”

“I…it’s just.” Light fumbles over his words, and sighs deeply. “I don’t like having sex, like that. I don’t like feeling like you don’t care about me. B-because…I care about you, a lot.”

L feels his skin grow hot, and his blood turn into lead. Because that’s exactly what’s happening. And hearing Light plainly state his devotion…it leaves a rotten taste inside of his mouth. Because while he knew Light was falling for him, Light had never spoken those words aloud before.

*But this is what you wanted, isn’t it?* His thoughts remind him. And it is what he wanted, what he had planned. Now would be the perfect time to grill Light about Kira, while he is unnerved and vulnerable. So…why does he feel so guilty?

“I’m so sorry dear.” There is meaning behind his words this time. “I promise, I’ll never hurt you.”

Lies, lies, lies. L almost wants to laugh with how twisted his words are. He wants to laugh until he throws up. And he does not know why. 

Light suddenly burrows into his shoulder, and hugs the raven tightly. L can feel the brunette’s heartbeat against his arm. He is so close that L can smell him. A sweet vanilla, mixed with rich coffee. The brunette sighs contentedly into him, and utters three deadly words. L tries not to stiffen and convinces himself that he heard Light wrong. Instead, he returns Light’s affections by pulling the brunette closer. Light’s skin burns against his.

And after a few minutes, L can feel Light’s steady breaths. He looks beside him, and sees Light’s brown eyes are shut tightly. His long lashes fan his cheeks and an innocent smile adorns his face. Light looks so angelic while sleeping, so innocent. 

L somehow feels even worse by looking at this boys face, so he turns his head away sharply. Light truly looks his age when he’s fast asleep. It reminds L of how young he truly is. He usually forgets Light’s age, because of how smart the teenager is. His own intellect rivals his own, making Light appear wise beyond his years. But in moments like these, Light’s purity shines through. He truly is naive, and oh so sheltered. 

“I could be destroying him.* L realizes with a start. “Because, if he is innocent-“

He screams at his thoughts to hush, but they only grow louder. He has avoided this. He doesn’t want to entertain that idea, not even for a second. Because Light has to be Kira. Especially now, especially after everything.

L knows himself, he wouldn’t harm an innocent civilian. An innocent child, at that. Because that would make him so much like B. That would make him EXACTLY like B, whom he despises. 

“B, this is wrong.” L recalls his younger self protesting, shrinking as the other boy had climbed on top of him, immobilizing him. “P-please, get off! I don’t want this-“

“How could you say that?” His elder interrupts, feigning hurt. “Don’t hurt my feelings, Lawli. I’m not hurting you, I love you so. I’m just simply showing my love, that’s all.”

“But you are hurting me.” L whimpers again. 

“That’s because you’re inexperienced.” B reassures, striking into him harder. “But don’t worry, it’ll feel better soon. Because I love you, and you love me. Don’t you?”

L shudders, feeling that familiar venom fill his soul. He hates remembering B, and rarely ever does. Those memories, those feelings, should’ve died with the murderer. They should be long forgotten, buried in the mud. B shouldn’t still have this power over him, not in the afterlife. Because he is L. He is not weak, not anymore. He defeated B, he cannot touch him any longer. L is the world’s greatest detective, he is not B’s plaything to abuse. 

And Light is like B. He has to be. L needs to hate him, to take him down. He is supposed to be L’s most fearsome enemy. And he is supposed to win.

*But Light isn’t like B.* His obnoxious subconscious chimes in. *Even if he is Kira. Light has never hurt you, like B has.*

*That’s because he hasn’t had the chance.* L angrily argues. 

*But he loves you.* That voice persists. *You know it. Light is sweet, and respects you. He adores you.*

*Light is a wolf in sheep clothing. Just because he comes wrapped in prettier packaging doesn’t mean he isn’t a brute!*

*Light could be innocent.* His thoughts try once again to make him feel guilt. *What will you do then?*

L refuses to entertain these musings. He refuses to admit that maybe he does care for Light. Because he doesn’t, he can’t. He was sad for Light tonight, only because he…is tired. Or because he doesn’t like thinking of Light being taken advantage of. Not because he actually likes the brunette. His pretty face won’t suck him in. L will not allow himself to be swayed. 

He falls into a restless sleep, silently chanting inside of his head *Light is Kira, and I despise Kira.*

He doesn’t admit that he might not despise Light. He doesn’t admit that some small part of himself might care for Light, too. Because L doesn’t have feelings. If he did, he would be as good as dead. 

B taught him that long ago.


	6. Truth Or Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii guess who's updating again only after three days?!? Ahh this chapter was so fun to write! There's loads of tooth rotting fluff, I may have indulged myself just a tiny bit. I mean, it can't all be doom and gloom forever. L and Light do have some nice moments lol. I didn't want their relationship to just consist of L being a manipulative little bastard and Light just taking it. So, this chapter was born. 
> 
> But before the fluff, Light has another nightmare. Poor bby:( I would love to hear all of your thoughts on the nightmare. Especially the meaning behind it. It was so much fun to write, I got to add so many little easter eggs haha. All I can say is Wammy's house is fascinating, not to spoil anything. 
> 
> Also, the end of the chapter was a good little debate about morality and what people are capable of. I hope I didn't make Light appear too OC. But, honestly, L and Light are very OC here haha. Just thought it would be good to write about Light's views on Kira and justice. And the psychology of criminals has always been fascinating to me. I suppose that's why I adore Death Note, well, one of the many reasons. No one can say that the characters aren't complex, that's for sure;)
> 
> Okay well, that's enough rambling from me. But, one last thing, I hope that the chapters do not appear too choppy. Some big storms are coming up, and these chapters all contain little pieces to the puzzle. Trust me, once all is revealed I think the story will read more smoothly. Or, maybe that's just me.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this chapter! As always, reviews are to me what apples are to Ryuk. I love them so, so much:))

“You really are so pretty.” L murmurs into his skin, pinning him against the wall. “So…so pretty…and all for me.”

Light leans into the others lips, and let’s out a sweet whine. L continues his sinful ministrations, torturously sucking on the other’s neck. He tongue grazes his sweet spot and feels feels himself go weak in the knees. He clutches onto L’s black shirt, bunching the fabric in between his hands….

Wait, L in a black shirt? That’s odd, L has never worn anything but his white shirt. “Did…you change clothes?” He murmurs, foggily. He faintly realizes that now is a most inappropriate time to start a conversation about fashion choices.

L pulls his lips away from his skin, making a popping noise. “I will ruin you.”

Light pulls away, suddenly frightened. Why would L say such a thing. He wouldn’t hurt him, right?

But as he pulls away, L disappears in a mist. Terror grips his heart, and he wildly looks around. How has L just disappeared? That isn’t possible! Where has he gone? 

“L?” He calls out weakly, and he receives no response.

Suddenly, the bathroom grows darker. A static noise fills his sense, shaking him to his core. Blinking, he finds that he is now enveloped in utter darkness. He blindly stumbles forward, his hands searching the darkness for something to hold onto. A sink counter, a light switch…anything. But he is met with air.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears. It seems to be a spotlight, and it shines on a staircase. A staircase? Wasn’t he in the bathroom? This staircase is grand, it looks like the kind a mansion would possess. The steps are a rich chocolate brown, hardwood. The winding rails are black with intricate designs. Gold lays on top of the rails. Light looks up, but cannot see where the stairs lead to. All that is in front of him is darkness. Black and cold. 

He hesitates. Is he meant to follow the light? Should he venture beyond these stairs, to try and figure out where he is? Somehow, he feels that this is a trap. But there’s no where else to run. Everything around him is nothingness, covered by darkness. Or maybe there’s nothing there, anyways.

Before he can ponder anymore, he feels the chain on his wrist tug him forward. Frowning, he sees that the chain is stretched, taunt. And while he cannot see who is on the other end, he sees that it goes up the stairs. Is he meant to follow? Is L waiting for him on the other side?

It doesn’t seem like he has much of a choice, anyways. The chain pulls him forward again, almost making him loose his balance. Whoever is one the other side wants him to follow, and seem strong enough to pull him forwards even if he resists. 

So, attempting to swallow his apprehension, he slowly makes his way up the stairs. He ignores the warning bells in his head, ordering him to turn back. He steps tentatively upon each stair. His feet make a loud thumping noise, though his steps are quite delicate. The light follows him, illuminating the steps ahead of him. He cannot turn back now, all that’s behind him is a void. 

As he steps, and steps, and steps…he feels as if he has been walking forever. Since he can barely see ahead of himself, he has no idea when he will reach his destination. Terror fills him as he wonders if this staircase will continue on forever. What if he will never escape? What if he is doomed to walk upwards for eternity? 

But after what seems like an eternity, he spots a landing five steps ahead. Bounding over the steps in a hurry, he steps onto the landing. He stands still for a few moments, looking around. There is a rug beneath him, adorned with a patterned swirl of olive green and cream that lie beneath his feet. The swirls almost seem to be moving. Darkness surrounds him and he does not know where to turn next. Is he meant to stay here? 

Suddenly, the chain tugs again, pulling him to the left. The light shifts towards the chain, and he follows dutifully. He feels like a puppet, controlled by mere strings. But who is the puppet master? L?

Light stiffens when he hears a sudden peal of childrens laughter. He immediately goes completely still, his heart thumping painfully against his ribcage. An icy chill runs down his spine and floods his already icy veins. He shivers involuntarily and swallows past the hard lump in his throat. His legs tremble uncontrollably and he listens carefully for anymore unwanted noise.

Nothing.

Light lets out a sigh of relief and decides that the laughter was just in his imagination. It must have been. After a final deep breath to calm his frayed nerves, the brunette continues down the hallway. He was going to get out of this godforsaken place even if it was the last thing he would ever do. Light winces slightly as he feels the handcuff dig sharply into the soft flesh in his wrist. He frowns and tries loosening the metal, but somehow it almost seems to grow tighter. He finally gives up and rounds a corner before once again stopping dead in his tracks.

Something was dripping onto his hair.

It was cold.

Light narrows his eyes before looking upwards to try and see where the leak is. But before he could investigate further, the unknown substance promptly dripped into his eyes. He curses beneath his breath as tears spring into his eyes at the sudden pain, before quickly wiping the offending substance out of them. The liquid was strangely thick and almost sticky. It also carried a faint scent of iron with it. . . Light decides to pay no mind to that and rubs his eyes one last time before blinking several times, clearing his vision. When he vision was mostly cleared, he squinted in the low light to try and decipher just what in the hell had fallen on him.

Light suddenly gasps, his heart stuttering painfully in his chest as he lowers his hand in horror.

Even in the low light, he could make out what coagulated substance was crusted in his palm.

Water had not been dripping from the ceiling and onto him.

It had been dark red blood.

It took everything in the brunette for him to not scream right then and there and bolt out of this horrid place. His pulse grew unsteady and rapid as he quickly stumbled out of the path of the dripping blood. The stench was now even more clear to him and his nose wrinkled at it. His hand trembled and he tried wiping it on his pants, deciding that he could always clean them later. He ruffled the top of his head, trying to get the terrible sticky liquid out of his hair. The handcuff cut painfully into him in his struggles and Light bit his lip harshly. He stood still for a moment, trying once again to collect himself. 

The chain jerks yet again, making his unsteady feet stumble forward. To avoid loosing his footing and falling, Light reaches out to steady himself against the wall. 

The sound of glass shattering can be heard, and Light quickly pulls away. He realizes that he has just hit a photo frame, and quickly examine his hand for broken glass. Luckily, the soft skin of his palm is untouched. Looking up to inspect the damage, Light stifles another horrified scream. The picture is of a child, and this child is smiling brightly. The wholesome image is disrupted, however, by the fearsome red X’s drawn over their eyes. As Light looks around the wall, he finds several more. 

Multiple frames adorn the old wall, that is covered with peeling wallpaper. Light swears he can smell rot. All of these pictures are the same. All of kids, all with their eyes crossed out. It is a ghastly image. What should be smiling children in a field, has been tainted. Who would do such a thing? Light feels his throat tighten.

This is all wrong.

His eyes land and two photos that seem unblemished. They are of two boys. One has blond hair that comes to his shoulders, and icy blue eyes. He stands in front of two green trees, and the blue sky behind him seems unusually bright. He has a grim expression on his face. While his lips curve into a thin smile, his blue eyes seem haunted. As if they have seen things that cannot be unseen. Light feels another chill run through him, and wonders if a window has been left open.

The second boy seems ghostly. Is he an albino? His skin is pale, so pale it seems almost see through. He has wavy hair that is stark white, and almost black eyes. They appear abyssal, like they could see into your very soul. They remind him of L’s. Where is L again?

Another tug on the chain reminds him of his mission, and he hesitantly marches onwards. He resists the urge to look back at the photos. The hallway seems to grow smaller, and Light stops dead in his tracks. Are the walls closing in on him? Breathing loudly, he places his arms against the walls. This space seems so small, so confined. Where is he going? This hallway seems to be growing dimmer, will he be placed into darkness yet again? 

Suddenly, a door appears in front of him. It seems to come out of no where, which should be impossible. It stands in front of him, menacingly. White paint peels away, and some horrid smell is coming from the inside. He looks to the side, and reads the sign next to the doorframe. 

L’s room. 

Ah, so he must be meant to enter this room. Right? Isn’t this his purpose, to find L? Looking down, he sees the chain run underneath the door. So whomever he’s supposed to find, is just a doorknob turn away. 

The door completely dwarfs Light, making him feel like an ant. He places his hand on the doorknob, but hesitates. The cold metal seems to burn into his palm. He has a horrid feeling that he should not open the door. Because that smell, it smells like something is rotting. Like something is decaying…

He remembers the blood, and feels sick. 

“Run!” He hears a childish whisper from behind him, and quickly whips around. But behind him is utter blackness, there is nothing there. Nothing he can see anyway…

“They’ll get you.” Light hears the voice again, and feels his heart drop into his stomach. “They’ll change you!”

He wants to call out, but the words shrivel in his throat. He realizes that there are unknown dangers in this house, that can hide in the safety of the shadows. He suddenly feels exposed, and grapples for the doorknob behind him. For at least a closed door may provide some kind of safety. And he feels something in this hallway, but has no way of defending himself against unseen strangers. The knob turns, and the door falls away with a large creak. It sounds as if someone is raking their nails against a chalkboard.

Light suddenly is launched backwards. He hadn’t of realized how heavily he was leaning against the door. His backside lands painfully onto rough carpet, and he lets out an alarmed yelp. The door, which is now in front of him, swings violently shut. He hears a lock click into place and feels a tremor run through him. He is safe from the hallway, but not this room. 

And since the door has closed shut, he is enveloped in darkness once again. the light hadn’t of followed him. He blinks rapidly, trying in vain for his eyes to adjust and seek out something.

But before he can fall into a full blown panic attack, a faint light enters his peripheral vision. He had heard a click, signifying a lamp being turned on. But who turned it on? As much as he dreads the answer, he slowly turns around. 

And there, sitting in large burgundy chair, is L himself. The man is folded into his signature crouching pose, and nibbles at his thumb. A small lamp burns beside the chair on a small nightstand. It seems rather old, almost like an oil lamp? But Light shouldn’t dwell on that now. He feels relief flood his being. L is in this strange house, and that means it will all be okay. L will help him. 

L stares at him thoughtfully, his wild raven hair sticking up in all directions. His thin lips curve into an amused smile. And his eyes, glint red? Light must be seeing things.

But he blinks, and the red eyes remain. They lock onto him, and express something akin to a perverse delight. Light feels his breathing hitch, L won’t hurt him. Right?

“You’ve found me.” L finally speaks. But his voice sounds foreign, like it really doesn’t belong to him. Light frowns, this doesn’t sound like L. But it looks like L. He shouldn’t be afraid, right?

“L?” He whispers. “Where are we?”

“Wammy’s house.” L chuckles, darkly. 

Light stares back in confusion. Wammy’s house? Who is that? Who lives here?

L seems to pick up on his confusion. “Ah, you wouldn’t know what that is.” He sighs. “You must be terribly confused, Tsuki Yagami.”

Light frowns at this. L has never called him that. L knows his name. “…Light.” He responds, slowly. “My name is spelled with the kanji for moon, but it’s pronounced Light. You know that.”

Now it’s L’s turn to look confused. He flicks his gaze to something above Light, startling the boy. He looks behind him, but there’s nothing there. What’s L looking at?

When he looks back, L’s head is cocked. But it’s twisted in such a way that it looks inhuman. Almost as if his head is just about to fall off of his shoulders. He is still studying Light, with that odd glee. Light slowly stands up from the floor, and crosses his arms. Why can’t he figure out why L is acting so bizarre? 

“My mistake.” He finally responds, evenly. “The name above your head reads as something different. Now, why would your parents spell your name like that?”

Another chill runs up his spine. “N-name above m-my head?” He stutters painfully. What on earth does that mean? It isn’t like there’s a sign tapped onto him!

“Or do you not have any parents?” L questions, ignoring his question. “That’s the only reason you’d be here, after all.”

“And…where is here?” Light asks, desperate for answers. L smiles sinisterly. 

“An orphanage.” He answers with a listless shrug. “Though it should be called a factory. A factory that makes little L slaves…how funny is that?”

Light takes a step back, a large step back. “What does that mean?” He queries, shakily. L is acting as if he is an entirely different person. 

L’s gaze suddenly turns dark, the red seems to almost bleed from his eyes. He rises from his seat, making Light jump. He starts pacing, furiously. “If you only knew!” He rants, angrily. Light watches, spellbound with horror and confusion. “If only you knew what they did to us! This…this place! It bleeds you dry! I-it takes these innocent kids, and turns them into robots. Machines. It takes your very mind and twists it. They turn you into anything but yourself. Because…because yourself is never good enough!”

Light teeters on his feet, uneasily. He doesn’t know what to say.

L suddenly stops, and stares at him menacingly. Light gulps, and doesn’t know where he should run to. Where can he run to? “Do you think I’m evil?” L finally speaks.

Light’s head hurts. Is this what has gotten L so worked up? Wherever has he gotten that idea? Light shakes his head passionately. “No.” He tells L. “You aren’t at all.”

Relief floods the man’s features, and for a moment it looks as if he’s about to cry from happiness. He flops back down into his chair, lazily scooting down. His body is contorted in such a way that cannot be comfortable. “Now I get why he likes you.” The raven murmurs, closing his eyes with a content smile upon his face. “You’re…so nice. Naive, some might say. It’s a wonder he hasn’t broken you yet. He’s so good at breaking his toys. But then…” He opens his eyes again, and leans forward with the promise of a secret hidden in those red pools. “It’s because I taught him that. I broke him first, you know.”

Any calmness he might’ve just been feeling is swiftly banished, and befuddlement overtakes him yet again. Who is he? Who are they talking about?

Suddenly, L’s hand reaches out to grab something on the nightstand that hadn’t been there before. Light squints his eyes to read the label.

JAM is written in bold letters. L unscrews the lid and harshly throws it onto the ground, making Light flinch. The clanging of the lid rings in his ears. L then takes two spindly fingers and dips them into the jar. Light watches in disgust as the man slurps his jam covered fingers. He begins to wolf the preservative down, noisy gulping. 

“That’s…gross.” Light tells him faintly. “You shouldn’t eat with your hands, it’s unsanitary.”

L doesn’t stop his actions, but smirks widely. “So prissy.” He murmurs through a mouthful of pulverized fruit. 

Light waits with bated breath for L to tell him something else. But the man seems quite content to slobber over his messy hands. They are stained red, now. Much like his were earlier….Light gulps loudly.

“C-can we go back to headquarters?” He asks. “L-“

“No!” The man shouts, throwing the almost empty jar to the ground. Light hears it shatter. “God, why do people keep calling me that!”

Then, to Light’s horror, L gets up and angrily stalks over to him. Light wants to move, but is frozen in fear. L stops a few feet away from him, before backing up. Running his stained fingers through his wild black mane, he angrily resumes his previous pacing. “L,L,L….it’s always all about L.” He murmurs sadly. “It’s always all about L.”

Light just stares in silence. He really doesn’t know what to say. His mind is blank.

“Why am I not good enough!?” L finally yells, throwing his hands up. “I’m not just a backup, I MATTER!”

“Okay!” Light soothes, raising his palms up in a reassuring manner. He doesn’t want L to take this anger out on him. “You do matter, L, you matter to so many. You…you matter to me.”

“I’m not L!” The man hisses spitefully, Light feels his own eyes narrow. Of course this is L! He would recognize this odd man anywhere! L isn’t exactly someone easily replicated, after all. 

But, for the sake of the other man, he nods his head sagely. He has decided he won’t even attempt to understand the meaning of all this. “Okay, you’re not L.”

Not ‘L’ suddenly smirks, and looks at Light with desire. “Good.” He nods, raising his thumb to his mouth. Light resists the urge to roll his eyes. No one other than L and toddlers would do something like that. “You’re cute.” He suddenly speaks, mindlessly. As if he hadn’t of thought before speaking. “Will you use my real name, for me?”

Light’s heart skips a beat, but he nods slowly. L had been so adamant about keeping his true identity a secret, what had changed? Unless he was just going to feed him another lie?

L looks at him, strangely. “It’s Beyond Birthday.” He informs him, with a wicked smile. “Say it.”

“Beyond Birthday.” Light parrots. What an odd name. What does that even mean? That surely cannot be L’s name. It’s probably just another alias.

But the man looks pleased, like a cat who’s gotten the cream. “I love hearing my name come from your mouth.” He sighs, dreamily. “I loved hearing it from his too. But he would rarely say it, the bastard.”

*Who is HE?* Light wants to scream. But he doesn’t. 

L’s pleased expression fades, and is replaced with a grim smile. “I need to show you something, it’s upstairs.”

Light frowns, more stairs? He feels as if he is being made to walk in circles. And he wants to leave this house, not loiter in in for any longer! But L’s look gives him the feeling that the man won’t take no for an answer. So L slowly crosses the room, and Light’s line of sight follows him. He opens a door right next to the bedroom door. Another door? When has that one appeared? Light feels too rattled to try and make sense of the appearing objects anymore. 

As the door is pulled open, Light sees another staircase behind it. How peculiar. But these stairs are not like the other ones. While those were grand and magnificent, these appear to be quite old. The don’t look to be that steady, just some frail old wooden plants that somehow form a staircase. 

But L notices his apprehension and smiles comfortingly. He pauses on top of the first step, and holds out a pale hand towards Light. Light bites his cheek, and stares into the raven’s red eyes. They looks so earnest, so honest. He shouldn’t be afraid, he really shouldn’t. 

What a sight they make. The devil tempting the innocent young man. But he silences any objections and tentatively takes L’s hand, allowing the raven to lead him. He trails behind the raven slowly, stepping lightly. The stairs underneath him groan horribly and Light is afraid they might fall through. But L seems to know this place, and Light trusts L.

He thinks. 

The stairs seem to lead to an attic. The room is dark, and Light can barely make out the few lone book cases besides him. There are boxes littering the floor, so many that he can barely take a step forward. 

The rotten smell has grown, however. Light feels nausea bubbling in his stomach, and covers his nose. The smell is overpowering, as if it wants to knock him down. He can faintly here the buzzing of flies.

“Before I turn on this light.” L finally speaks, standing in front of him. Light cannot make out any of the man’s features, they are hidden by the gloom. “You can’t freak out, promise?”

“What is it?” Light feels a forbidding sense of dread fill him. What are they doing here?

“Something you need to see.” That deep voice replies. “You need to know what he’s done.”

And with that, a lightbulb is switched on to illuminate the room. And when Light sees what the darkness had been hiding, he wishes that the cloak of blackness would appear once again. 

The image in front of him is horrifying, something that can never be unseen. He stiffens, not wanting to accept what he’s seeing. But it doesn’t disappear. A body lies on the floor. And Light knows that this person is dead. Because from where their arms lie at their sides, blood seeps from the wrists. Two horizontal slashes mar the flesh. There is so much…so much blood…

The unmoving body seems to be drowning in it. Gore stains the wooden floor, and Light now knows the source of what fell on him. Repulsion fills his being and he resists the urge to throw up. But he cannot stop the tears from falling. His body trembles violently, and he holds his hands to his mouth to muffle his terrified whimpers. 

L turns back to him, a grim expression adorning his face. “Beautiful, wasn’t he?” The raven murmurs softly. 

But Light shakes his head slowly. Because this is the worst part. This is worse than the ruby liquid that seems to crawl towards him. This is worst than the smell of metallic tang that overwhelms his frightened senses. This is worst than the mutilated corpse laying unflinchingly on the cold floor. 

This carcass has no face. A black bar is over this humans face, hiding his features from Light. He can see short brown hair and knows that this is a male body. But his face…his face is gone.

It is censored. 

“You can’t see his face, can you?” L hisses, and Light’s blood runs cold. “This was A. My darling, brilliant, beautifully broken A. His real name was Alexandar. Only I knew that, only I could see him for who he truly was. He knew that I was special.”

Light barely registers the man’s ramblings. His finger tips tingle. 

“And do you know what?” L finally chuckles, maniacally. This makes Light snap out of his stupor and stare at the man in shock. The laughter is cold, unfeeling. It crackles through the air, and scrapes at his very soul. He recognizes this laughter.

It sounds identical to the demon’s.

“I knew that he would die.” L reveals, stalking over to the body. He crouches down and tenderly runs his fingers through the brunette locks. The body doesn’t move an inch, of course it doesn’t. “I just didn’t know what the numbers meant. And…do you know how much that DESTROYED me? I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I began to go mad. And no one could understand. They thought I was grieving. Ha! But…I was repenting. For I could have saved him, couldn’t I of?”

Light wants to back up, but is paralyzed. 

“But no, it wasn’t me who killed him.” L sighs forlornly. He gives the head one final pet, before standing up again. He stares daggers into Light’s soul. “L killed him. He pushed A too far, until he couldn’t take it anymore.”

“What?” Light slowly shakes his head, refusing to believe what he is hearing.

“Well, you can say Quillish was the puppet master of his downfall. Roger too, the cocksucker.” L spits, slightly kicking the body. Light feels bile rise in his throat. “But, they did it FOR L! A never would have died if not for L. And that’s why….I had to kill him too.”

“Kill..who?” Light asks, in a small whisper. L looks down at the floor and smiles.

L suddenly crouches onto all fours, and crawls over to Light. Light yelps in alarm. L looks like some kind of demon, moving around in that way. He looks like a fearsome coach roach one is meant to kill. He crawls slowly, twisting his limbs in a way that is simply unnatural. He reaches Light’s feet and looks up. His red eyes seem to glow stronger. They posses a hatred that no human should be capable to posses. 

“L.” He whispers. “I almost succeeded, But, he killed me first.”

“L?” Light questions. “What are you saying?”

“You still don’t get it, do you?” The raven growls. “I’m not L! I’m B. Do you hear me? B!”

Light feels his lungs shrivel inside of himself, and dread fills him to the brim. “N-no.” He stammers, because this cannot possibly be true. This man looks exactly like L! He has to be him! Light is handcuffed to him, for the love of God!

“B for backup.” L, or rather B, spits as if the word is poison in his mouth. “And he’s going to do the same to you. He’s going to sign your death warrant.”

“B…?” Light utters, weakly. For it makes all too much sense now. The black shirt, the red eyes, ‘Beyond Birthday’….this is definitely not L.

This is an imposter. This is an evil version of L, one who DOES mean to harm Light. He has taken the detective’s skin and warped it. While he may appear to be L, he is nothing like him. 

“You’re not L.” Light hears his breath hitch, and stumbles back blindly. And the man follows him, making Light loose his balance and trip back onto the floor. He scrambles backwards, terrified. “Stay away!” He warns, in a panicked voice. He can hear the hysteria creep in. “L? L! L HELP!”

“He can’t hear you.” B smirks wickedly. He towers over the brunette, glaring at him coldly. “It’s okay, you’re with me now. And I’m better than him…anyway.”

“No!” He squeaks, attempting to create more distance between himself and B. But B places a bare foot on his chest, and slams him onto the ground. Rendering him helpless. Light’s blood turns to molten lava beneath his skin. “You’re not better! You’re nothing like him!”

“Maybe not. I managed to fool you though, the brightest student in all of Japan.” B scoffs. “No, maybe I’m not like L. But, I am like you. We’re the same, aren’t we?”

Light feels as still as death, as still as the body that lies only a few feet away. The words barely register. But the meaning behind them, it makes his heart ache. He feels dizzy, and the floor seems to lurch beneath him.

No, this man is trying to rile him up is all. This ‘B’, whomever he is, knows nothing about Light. Light can almost feel the wickedness seeping from the other. 

“You deny it?” B notices Light’s gentle head shaking. “In L’s eyes, we’re the same.”

Light just feels his heart stutter painfully inside of his chest. What does that mean? Who was this man to L?

Beyond suddenly removes his foot, and steps back. Bewildered, Light raises his head to observe the man. And horrifyingly, the devil’s laughter comes back. It spills from Beyond’s wide mouth, his white teeth glinting dangerously in the low light. He allows his jaw to unhinge, he allows the laughter to seep into Light’s bones. Light feels as if this laughter is a venom, poisoning him to his very core. It almost seems to shake the room, the volume grows to maximum capacity. Beyond cannot seem to control himself any longer.

The raven is almost doubling over, the laughter shakes him so. “Hehehehehehe…hyukhyukhyuk….ehehehe…L's gonna get it!” He sings, between gasps. His face contorts into such a way that Light realizes he is shaking again. He stares in wide-eyed horror as B’s smile seems to overtake his face. His yes look sick, absolutely crazed. “L? Do you hear that? We’re gonna make you pay!”

“L thinks he’s god!” The man continues, gasping now. “He thinks we’re disposable toys! L is so mean! He’s so, so, SO mean!”

“Stop.” Light whispers, but it is lost in the sound of maniacal laughter. 

“Is it hot in here?” B suddenly grows still. The laughter ceases, and his amusement is replaced with horror. His pale skin begins to sag. It starts to slowly drip away from his face, as if it has become candle wax. A horrid smell of burning flesh hits Light. He can see the bones start to appear from where the skin has fallen. The flesh drops to the floor, lying in a puddle beneath the man’s bare feet. The skin that is left on his face begins to rot. He has the appearance of burnt creme brûlée. His skin crackles and pops, and blackens as if someone has just held a blowtorch up to him. Light swears he can almost see the flames on his face, eating away at the burning flesh.

He can’t help it. He screams at the top of his lungs. The sound sounds inhuman in his own ears. 

“Now here comes to fun part.” B whispers, grinning like a mad man. His grin seems to grow, until it cuts into his burnt cheeks. It cuts into the seared flesh, and blood drips from the wounds. A chelsea smile.

Light blinks, hoping that this is a nightmare. Hoping that he will wake up. But when his eyes reopen, the attic is gone. The body is gone. The only things that remain are himself and B. B for bastardized. 

And they are in the middle of a furnace. His teeth clench painfully, as he looks around the room. Flames cover ever part of this place, and Light can feel his own skin growing hotter. He jumps up in a blind panic, and runs to find the door. But there is no door, not anymore. All there is is the flames. The red and orange glow of the deadly fire, that seems to be inching closer. And Light understands why, it wants to devour him.

“This is hell.” B whispers, into his neck. Light can feel his thin frame pressing up against him and feels something wet fall onto his shoulder. He suspects it’s more skin. Or blood. “An eternal lake of fire, for the damned. This is where L sent me. And this is where you’ll go as well, if you do what he asks. We’re waiting for you, you know.”

Light turns around, he can almost feel the fear seeping out of his pores. Or maybe that’s sweat, for the temperature in here is unbearable. “I’m not dead.” He answers, voice shaking. Because how could he go to hell? He couldn’t! No! He couldn’t be laid here to rest for eternity. What had he done? He had been perfect! “You’ve made a mistake!"

B’s eyes widen in ghoulish delight. They widen so much so, that it begins to dwarf his other features. His nose disappears, replaced by giant ruby orbs. He begins to cry tears of bright red blood, his smile reaching his ears. “Join us.” He implores, sinisterly. He holds a charred hand out towards Light. “This is what he planned. It’s not so bad here, if you can find some sunscreen!”

“I’m not joining you!” Light screams. 

“Oh, no?” A new voice speaks, making Light whip around. His throat becomes constricted, he can’t breathe. The demon is back, the original one. He smiles, his own lips wide enough to match B’s mutilated ones. The flames cover him, but do not burn him. He might be satan himself. His eyes bore into him, and Light feels as if he is being flayed alive. His vision blurs, and he cannot speak. Has the demon finally come back to kill him? This creature holds his clawed hands up in a prayer. “We want you to join us here, Kira.”

Light sits up, cold sweat clinging to his skin. He looks around wildly, expecting to see the flames. But his is meant with surroundings of L’s and his bedroom. He leans back against the headboard, clutching the sheets fiercely. Another nightmare. He hastily switches on the lamp next to him on the night table. He blinks, trying to connect himself back to reality. No flames, no blood, no devils. He is safe. He isn’t dead, nor in hell.

And he is not Kira. So why can’t he shake this horrid feeling?

He feels stiff all over, and his head pounds. He gasps loudly, not caring if he wakes L. He needs to catch his breath. He brings his quivering hands up to his mussed hair and runs his fingers through the follicles. He feels burnt to a crisp, and frozen at the same time. He can still feel his heart thumping painfully against his chest. 

“Light?” He hears L’s concerned murmur. He looks down, and sees that L had indeed been asleep for once. The man pulls an unstained white hand to his eyes, and rubs furiously. His undamaged lips open into a yawn. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” Light croaks. He takes his hands out of his hair and places them on top of his heart. It’s still hammering. 

L’s tired eyes study him. He pulls himself up out of the covers, and sits up next to him. Sighing, he blinks rapidly trying to clear the sleep from his eyes. “What happened?”

“Another nightmare.” Light whispers. He stares down at the white sheets as he relives the horrid imagines that had flashed through his mind. This was real, wasn’t it? “Is this another dream?”

“No.” L tells him, shaking his messy black bangs away from his eyes. “You’re awake now, you’re okay.”

“I’m not.” Light whispers, thickly. He can feel tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. He sniffs loudly, the petrification still won’t leave him. “They’re getting worse. Why is this happening?” He turns to L, and the man’s eyes widen. Light feels the salty waters run down his face. “I’ve never had nightmares before.” He sobs. “Why now? What’s going to happen to me?”

L immediately opens his arms to Light, and Light falls into them gratefully. Light clings onto L’s white shirt, the only shirt he should ever be wearing. This shirt is pure. He feels wetness collect on the fabric, as he buries his head into L’s shoulder. Muffled cries of agony can be heard in the otherwise silent room. He longs onto L, so that the man will never be able to leave him again. 

L comforts him, rubbing his back soothingly. His embrace feels warm. He kisses the side of Light’s shaking head softly. “My poor chéri.” He murmurs quietly. He hugs Light back, twice as tight. He starts to slowly rock back and forth, humming softly. 

After minutes, that feel like hours, Light begins to calm. His cries turn into soft whimpers. His eyes dry, leaving him to sniffle loudly. He feels his muscles loosen, making him slump into L listlessly. He is otherwise silent, allowing L to hold him. 

“Que faire?” L finally whispers. He sighs loudly, making cold air ghost over his shoulder. “What am I doing?”

“Hm?” Light makes a questioning noise, his head still buried into L’s shoulder. 

“Light, I-“ L falters, and clears his throat. Light can feel him slightly shake his head. He then mumbles something indiscernible. 

Light pulls his head away, swiping at the dried tear trails. He blinks at L, questionably. He is still being held within the confines of L’s arms. “Huh?” He questions, he hadn’t of heard him.

“Nothing.” Some unrecognizable emotion quickly flashes in L’s eyes. But before Light can study them, they are once again filled with concern. L smiles at him and reaches a and out to brush away sweaty fringe from the teenagers forehead. He rests his palm and Light’s damp cheek. “What was the dream about?”

“Nightmare.” Light corrects. Because this was no dream, this was a hellish vision. L nods. 

“Nightmare.” He parrots. He smiles softly. “Would you share it with me?”

“It was the demon again.” Light shares. “Or, I guess they’re called shinigami.”

“And I was in this weird house.” Light continues, before L can rebuke him over the existence of shinigami. “There was this…staircase. It was grand, it looked like something that would belong in a castle. And, it seemed to go on forever. I was walking up it, because I was following the chain.” He holds his wrist up limply, gesturing to the handcuffs. L nods, indicating for him to continue. Light swallows. “And then, there was this hallway. Full of pictures with children who…had their eyes crossed out. It was awful, it looked evil. But, there was two kids who didn’t have their eyes crossed out. But they looked…haunted.”

“I see.” L murmurs. “Did you know them?”

Light shakes his head. “Then, there was this room. And a sign that said ‘L’s room.’ So I went in, because I thought I would find you. And that’s where the chain led.”

“Okay…” L comments, just to add something to the conversation. “What happened next?”

“Well, you were in there.” Light tells him. He hesitates, for he is reluctant to tell L about the evil version of himself. But L cocks his head, and Light goes on. “But, it wasn’t you. Because this man…he was crazy! He kept saying the weirdest things and…he showed me a dead body.”

“Who was it?” L questions, Light shrugged. 

“I couldn’t see his face.” The brunette answers, honestly. “But you…I mean the man who was pretending to be you, said his name was A.”

He was so distracted by the memories of his nightmare that he did not notice the way L stiffened. He also did not notice the sharp urgency in which L asked his next question. “Did he tell you his name? The man who was pretending to be me?”

“Yeah, it was a strange name. I assume it was an alias. Or, it held some kind of symbolism that my dream brain deemed important.” Light responded with a listless shrug. He didn’t want to dwell too much on the imposter L. “B-but…he ended up dragging me to hell. It was awful, he caught on fire and then that demon-“

“Light, his name.” L snapped, quite impatiently in Light’s opinion. “Do you remember his name?”

Light frowned, what did it matter what his name was? He was just a figment of his imagination. Was L somehow afraid that Light had learned his real name? Even if he had, it wouldn’t be important. He wasn’t Kira, and L’s real name would be safe within the confines of his mind. Nevertheless, he answered L’s query. “Yeah, Beyond Birthday. Why? Do you think that means something?”

L was in a state of total shock. He felt as if he had just been kicked in the stomach, that all of the air in his lungs had suddenly been stolen. “…Beyond….Birthday?” He repeated, slowly. He needed confirmation. Light was looking at him strangely, but nodded his head. L felt nauseous. 

*Don’t panic, don’t panic!* His mind scolded him. *Light cannot see that this is affecting you!*

But it was. L inched away from Light, and leaned back into the headboard. He stared blankly ahead, his mind working furiously to process these strange events. He was too disturbed to even crouch into his thinking position. So he knew that his deductions wouldn’t be as strong, but he couldn’t help it. This was all too much. 

And it was impossible! There was no reasonable explanation as to why Light would’ve dreamed about Beyond. Light hadn’t of known Beyond. The murderer’s mugshot had never been made public. For L hadn’t wanted anything resembling his face floating around. Even if no one made the connection between B and L, even if no one knew that they looked identical, it had still been too risky.

And, for reasons L hadn’t admitted to anyone, he hadn’t of wanted any pictures of Beyond. He didn’t want there to be any record of his existence. He didn’t want to stare at those crazed red eyes. 

Beyond’s name had never even been made public, for God’s sake! L had worked his magic so that Beyond was just an anonymous inmate. He hadn’t of wanted any connection to Wammy’s house to be made. He didn’t want anyone to know of B’s true identity. The only one who even knew Beyond’s real name had been Wammy and himself. So, how could Light say those words? And so casually?

It was absurd. Even if Light had somehow tried to investigate L, there were no ties between him and B. Nothing anyone could find out, anyway. Beyond had been locked away in solitary confinement, with no connection to the outside world. Any traces of ‘Rue Ryuzaki’ had been wiped clean and Naomi had been paid to keep silent. Even if Light had met Naomi and forced her to reveal something, she didn’t know ‘B’ was Beyond Birthday. 

A poking at his arm rips him away from his thoughts, and he turns to find Light’s quizzical face. “What are you thinking?” He asked, thoroughly confused. L schools his expression to go from thoughtful to impassive.

“Nothing.” He lies, with ease. He will have to fret over this matter later. When Light is sleeping. “Just wondering if that name means anything.”

Light shrugs, though he still looks concerned. L supposes that he is still reeling from the nightmare. “I don’t think it does.”

“This man, the one who you thought was me.” L begins, desperate to know what Light dreamed about. He wants to know what B said, and how he acted. Had B somehow come back to haunt Light? L almost scoffed at the silly thought. But, how silly was it? “What did he say?”

“Weird things.” Light bites the inside of his cheek. “Things about how you killed people. Which I know isn’t true!” He quickly adds, not wanting L to grow angry. “Things about how…you hated me. That you were going to use me, like you used him.” Light drops his gaze to his twitching fingers. “He said that we were the same, me and him. But…he was just so evil!”

L frowns eternally. That sounded like something B would’ve said, when he was alive. It makes his skin prickle that Light’s sleeping mind made that connection. 

“He also took me to this strange house…he said it belonged to someone named Wammy? I don’t know who that is.”

L’s heart seizes. NO! This is….this is utterly unfeasible! He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that Light knows nothing about his home. Light would have no idea of Wammy’s house. L has combed through Light’s internet history. He knows Light has never researched his background. But even if he had tried, it is out of the question that Light could’ve found the orphanage. Wammy’s house is hidden far away from the world. There is no trace of it whatsoever! 

“Wammy’s house?” L asks, weakly. “That sounds like a…made up name.” This is bad, Light cannot have any knowledge of Wammy’s house. 

“Probably, just my brain spouting nonsense.” Light frowns. “But, he said that it was an orphanage to make ‘little L slaves.’”

“What does that even mean?” L scoffs, hiding his distress. He remembers one of his last conversations with B, right before he died.

“That orphanage, those kids your so proud of? It’s a bloody joke!” B had screamed. “Successors? More like little L slaves!”

Ice fills the detective’s veins.

“I don’t know.” Light answers, mindlessly. He is clueless of L’s inner turmoil. “Like you would have an orphanage full of slaves. That sounds like some kind of messed up cult.”

L offers a wry smirk. “That would be quite peculiar.”

His mouth feels dry. His heartbeat pounds inside of his head, and his nerves feel as if they have been lit on fire. 

“But, why would you dream that?” L asks. He needs to know how Light could know of the unknown. “Why would you dream I was evil?”

“Well, I didn’t mean too!” Light defends. He does not want L taking this the wrong way. “I know you aren’t evil! I don’t know why my brain would make me dream those awful, crazy things. I mean, I even dreamed you had red eyes.”

L pales, even more so. An image of bright red eyes flames in his mind. He knows all too well what those eyes must’ve looked like. 

Light flops back down into bed, lying on his back despondently. “I know you aren’t evil.” He repeats, as if to assure himself as much as L. “You were nothing like that man, and that’s why I was scared. I…lo-“

“Dear, don’t worry.” L interrupts firmly, not wanting to hear Light’s next words. He can’t handle them, not now. Not ever. “You were quite afraid of me in the beginning, weren’t you?”

Light hesitates, so L leans down to press a chaste kiss against his forehead. Light’s skin is quite cold. “You don’t have to lie.” L soothes, as he straightens up to study the brunette. “I remember there was once a time when you believed I’d kill you.”

Light chuckles, nervously. “That was so dumb.” He whispers. “I can’t believe I ever thought that.”

L hums in agreement. He chooses not to think of when he will indeed kill Light, via lethal injection. Or, don’t they hang criminals in Japan?

“Nightmares are just fears that come out during slumber.” L states, factually. “They don’t mean anything. Most times, they are just a simple case of anxiety manifesting.”

Light nods his head, forcing himself to agree with L’s words. “Yeah, It didn’t mean anything.” He reaffirms, propping himself up on his elbows to look earnestly at L. “It’s just stress from the Kira case.”

“That’s right.” L agrees. “It’s perfectly natural to dream of me as a demon, I can be intimidating sometimes.”

“No, that was just my mind being stupid.” Light scoffs. “But…” He trails off, dread reentering his voice. “The part about the actual shinigami, that had to mean something. I’ve seen him before! I mean he dragged me down to hell, doesn’t that say anything?”

“No.” L frowns. “Light, shinigami don’t ex-“

“Don’t exist, I get it.” Light interrupts, annoyance dripping from his words. “I know that’s what YOU think, but I know they are! I mean, why would I keep dreaming of them? And the shinigami I met-“

“Which was a hallucination.”

Light glares at the dismissal. “The shinigami I MET.” He continues, not deterred by L’s disbelief in the slightest. “Described the demon I had been seeing! How would it have known that? And it keeps calling me Kira, which I know I’m not! The white shinigami confirmed it.”

L resists the urge to roll his eyes and laugh. Light is usually so smart, why on earth has he allowed himself to believe that gods of death exist? Has Light suddenly gone mad? 

L knows why Light is dreaming of shinigami telling him he is Kira. It’s because he IS Kira. It’s his repressed memories, slowly trying to make a comeback. And they are appearing in the form of nightmares. The shinigami must represent a physical manifestation of his actions, just to emphasize how evil Kira truly is. 

But, this is good for L. Because, the more Light dreams about Kira, the closer he is to remembering. And the closer he is to spilling the beans to L.

L should be overjoyed that his plan is working out so perfectly. So, why does he feel apprehension? Why does he not want to hear about these shinigami? Why are Light’s nightmares starting to scare him as well? L is not a child, he is twenty four! Bad dreams shouldn’t effect him in the slightest!

“You don’t believe me.” Light scoffs, shaking his head. “Whatever.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you.” L sighed, not wanting Light to turn on him. “But, you have to admit, the mere idea of supernatural beings is ludicrous.”

“But I saw it.” Light argues, sitting up sharply. He runs his hands through his hair again. “And how else do you explain Kira’s powers?”

“….I don’t know.” L finally spoke, nibbling on his thumb furiously. Because he didn’t know. And that killed him. He was supposed to be the world’s greatest detective, and here he was. Slumped. It left the taste of defeat in his mouth, and that was the feeling he hated most. 

“I’m not lying.” Light insists, drawing closer to the raven. “These things…they keep appearing. I can’t help it.”

*The only reason they keep appearing only to you is because no one else can see them.* L wanted to shout, but he settled for biting his tongue. Did Light not see how suspicious this whole situation was? L refused to entertain the idea of shinigami, because he wasn’t an idiot. This was just another one of Light’s tricks. 

Or maybe it wasn’t? Maybe…he truly thought he was seeing them. Maybe, Kira suffered from delusions? Or perhaps Kira had psychic powers?

That would explain the ability to dream up the unknown, such as BB. 

“I see.” L muttered, mostly to him self. An idea was slowly forming inside of his mind. Light cocked his head.

“So, do you believe me?”

“…I don’t know what to believe.” L studied the brunette, looking for any signs of deceit. He found none.

Light opened his mouth to protest, but L raised a hand to silence him. “I think, everything will be made clear once we capture Higuchi.” He told the brunette, with finality. 

“So that’s why you should let me go undercover.” Light mumbled, L narrowed his eyes.

“No.” He snapped, firmly. “We’ve been over this-“

“But it’s the only plan that makes sense!” Light argued. “Higuchi confided in me because he trusts me! He thinks I’m Kira. And he would never suspect a teenager like me to be working with the police or L. And plus-“ He smirked. “I know how to get answers from people like him.”

“Because he wants to sleep with you.” L retorted, bitterly. “And I won’t have that.”

“I won’t actually sleep with him.” Light rolled his eyes. 

“He may not give you a choice.” L stated coldly. “Light, he’s dangerous, and you could be killed.”

“Aw, worried about me?” Light chuckled, but a hint of something else gleamed in his eyes. “L, trust me. I’ll be fine. I’m not a child.”

*No, you’re just incredibly naive and very easy to manipulate.* L thought, grimly. *You don’t even know how hard you’re being exploited, at this very moment.*

But, of course, L kept these ugly thoughts to himself. "You’re eighteen.” Is what he chose to say instead.

Light’s lips pulled into a frown. “Whatever.” He sulked. “I hate being underestimated because of my age.”

“I’m not trying to underestimate you.” L tried to placate his younger. *Believe me, I know all too well what you are capable of. You lie so much sometimes you appear genuine even to me.*

“But there is a good chance that even I could be killed by this murderer. By Kira.” L finally revealed, lowly. Because, yes, he had always assumed Light would take his life. Or attempt to. This was a game, after all. And whoever lost would receive the gift of a dirt nap. 

“Don’t say that.” Light hissed, angrily. “You won’t be killed, ever. Hellooo? You’re L!”

“An initial is hardly a shield of almighty protection.” L returned, dryly. But Light just shook his head, and grabbed onto L’s hand.

“You can’t die.” He whispered. “I’ll catch Higuchi, and he’ll never even see your face. I won’t let him hurt you, I promise.”

L blinked, genuinely taken aback. *Is this another one of Light’s tricks?*

But Light was staring at him, lovingly. The look made L’s heart race. Why was his stomach suddenly doing flips? His hand was warm on top of his, making a genuine smile tug onto his lips. 

“What, are you my Knight in shining armor?” L teased, quoting the infamous Misa Amane.

Light pulled his hand away and huffed. “Ugh, whatever. Forget it.”

L stared back at him playfully. “Aw, what’s the matter? Light-kun doesn’t like knights?”

“It’s dumb.” Light scowled. L smiled, whenever Light scowled he looked so cu-

Anddd L proceeded to dump a metaphorical bucket of ice water on to that obnoxious thought. 

“If you were a knight….” L continued, not able to help himself. “Would you be called ‘Knight Light?’”

Light scrunched his nose up. “That’s so funny.” He rejoined, dryly. “Seriously, I’m laughing so hard.”

“Aw, Light-kun is such a sore sport.” L feigned dismay. “I suppose my humor is an acquired taste.”

“The great L thinks puns are funny?” Light raised an eyebrow. “Wow, and here I thought you were a genius.”

“And what do you find amusing? Let me guess, people falling down on icy sidewalks.” L demanded, but there was no bite in his tone. 

“Noooo..” Light trailed off. “I find…” And then, he mumbled something incoherent. 

“Huh?” L raised a hand up to his ear, an amused smirk dancing on his lips. “I didn’t catch that.”

“You’ll just make fun of me!”

“I would never!” L gasped, holding his hand against his heart in mock honor. 

“Fine!” Light groaned. “…sometimes..” He hesitates. “I watch south park sometimes, alright?”

L felt his eyes widen into the size of dinner plates. “Beg pardon?”

“You heard me, asshole!” Light softly throws a pillow in the detective’s direction. “It’s not that shocking.”

“I-I just-“ L stuttered, truly lost for words for once. He couldn’t imagine the cold-hearted, serial killing, perfect Light Yagami watching something as mind numbing as a dirty cartoon. 

“How can you even understand it?” L demands. “It’s an american program!”

“Well, they have it in Japanese.” Light tells him, knowingly. He sounds like a mother telling her child why it’s bad to touch a hot stove. L looks him up and down.

“Interesting.” He says, meaningfully.

“What does that mean?” Light gripes. L quirks his lips. 

He shrugs. “I just never would’ve expected a prodigy child such as yourself would indulge in something…so crass.”

Light sniffs. “Well, maybe there’s a lot you don’t know about me.” He retorts, impishly. 

“Oh, I know that. Light-kun is like an onion, he has many layers.”

“Don’t compare me to an onion.” Light glowers. “I hate those smelly things!”

L lets out a low chuckle at this. “Maybe Light-kun is like an onion in more ways than one.”

Light gapes, mock offense coloring his features. “Are you trying to suggest that I smell?”

“Who, me?” L pokes Light’s chest, grinning. He then pulls the finger away and makes a big show of wiping it off on his shirt, making Light gasp. 

“You’re a liar.” He frowns. “I use lavender body wash.”

“Hm? I couldn’t tell.”

“Oh, should I show you?”

With that, Light playfully pounces on the raven. He straddles him, and pins his arms above his head. Leaning down, he grins widely in front of the detective’s shocked face. “Can you smell me better now?” He asks, his voice growing husky. 

L looks up at him, hungrily. “Not quite yet.” He drawls, using all of his strength to overpower Light and wrestle him down. Light yelps, softly thrashing against L. The pair roll around on the unmade bed, making it messier. A flurry of limbs is all one could see if they were to walk in. They both land blows that are soft, teasing each other. Every time Light will climb on top of L, the raven will return the favor. They paw at the other’s arm, smiling playfully. L swears he can almost hear himself laughing. Those troublesome butterflies appear again. But he is much too engaged with Light to care. The brunette kisses his cheek, before attempting to roll him over yet again.

L observes the faint tinge of pink that makes it’s way over Light’s face. He gives L one of his most charming, award winning smiles. The one that brightens his whole face. But this one stirs something inside of the detective. Because, it feels real.

Brown eyes lock onto grey ones. They stare at each other, affection clouding the orbs. L feels himself getting lost in his beautiful caramel eyes, those breathtaking yuex.

He has always loved studying Light’s eyes. They reflect light so prettily. And the emotions that pass through those windows are fascinating. L loves to make Light so frustrated that his eyes seem to contain a soft fire. He loves to watch them half-lidded, while they are in the throes of passion. He loves to watch them light up. Light’s eyes…might be the most gorgeous eyes he’s ever laid eyes on. Those breathtaking golden brown orbs, they compare to polished amber in the first rays of dawn. 

They stare at each other, for what seems like forever. Like they are the only two people left on earth. The only ones that matter, anyway. Light’s eyes inspire a deep gnawing pit to grow inside of his stomach. Those soft, marron eyes reflect something that makes his chest tighten. 

L feels himself want to press his lips to the other’s, not because he is feeling amorous. But, because he wants to feel the other’s lips. Because, in this moment, he wants to convey a sort of tenderness that he has only felt once before. 

And this thought….these feelings…..it plunges a knife into his soul, breaking him out of his daze. Fear creeps over him like a hungry beast, and dread threatens to eat him alive. 

L quickly dismounts, rolling over next to Light. Trying not to convey his troubled thoughts, he rises without another word. Since when did using Light become so…hard? 

“It’s late.” He announces, trying to sound as apathetic as normal. Noticing Light’s confused expression, he gives him a small smile. This seems to calm his younger, and the boy smiles back. “Come, let’s figure out how we’re going to catch Higuchi.”

“This is like, the lamest date ever!” Misa huffs, crossing her arms pettishly across her chest. Light resists the urge to groan. 

The trio were currently seated on Misa’s couches. A wide buffet of cakes and cookies had been laid out for their date, courtesy of Watari. They were all being devoured by L, of course. Light didn’t want to develop diabetes, and Misa was watching her figure. And Light suspected that L was only eating to curb his annoyance at being pulled away from his work. 

Misa had come down at lunchtime and demanded she and Light share some ‘quality alone time’ together. “It’s only natural, we are in love after all.” She had proclaimed, stomping her foot. 

Of course, alone time was never really alone time because L had to be with Light at all times. And despite the fact that L had been furiously thinking up schemes to catch Higuchi, he had allowed himself to be dragged away to stop Misa’s pouting. 

So, here they all sat. On the most awkward date in history. So far, it had been filled with the sound of L’s chewing. Misa looked murderous. And Light had been twiddling his thumbs, staring at the clock. It had been ticking away, oh so slowly. 

“Ryuzaki!” Misa whined. “Isn’t there anything I could say to convince you to leave the room, even for five minutes?”

“No.” L deadpanned. He shoved another cookie inside of his mouth. 

“But it’s not fair.” Misa argued. “You get to be alone with Light, like, all of the time! I’m his girlfriend and we haven’t had a proper date in months!”

“This is a date, is it not?” L questioned. “I allowed for myself to be taken from my work so you could indulge yourself.”

“It’s not very romantic with a third wheel.” Misa scowled. “Plus, there are cameras in here anyway! Can’t you just watch us on those?”

L didn’t seem to have a very good response for that, so he just ate another cookie. Light watched the exchange with disinterest, feeling as if he might fall asleep.

“What if I give you all of my cake?” Misa questioned, hopefully. “Then would you leave?”

“This is my building, therefore anything in it is mine. Including the cake.” Was L’s brilliant retort.

“Ugh!” Misa wailed, throwing her arms up dramatically. “Light, make him leave!”

“I can’t, Misa.” Light told her. And even if he could, he wouldn’t want L to leave anyway. He was the only person on the date that he actually liked! “We’re chained together, remember?” To drive the point home, he held his arm up and loudly jangled the chain. 

“That’s not fair.” Misa pouted. “How are we ever going to make love?”

Light felt his face heat up fiercely, and resisted the urge to scowl. L, however, didn’t even make a sound. He hadn’t of even tensed up! He just continued eating, as if he was suddenly struck deaf. 

“Misa, that’s inappropriate.” Light informed her. His dad was probably watching this exchange! How could she be so blatant? 

“No it’s not.” She dismissed. “We’ve been dating for six months! That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without…anything! We’ve barely even had time to kiss!”

“You can kiss now.” L offered, and Light resisted the urge to punch him. Kissing Misa while he was seated next to L? Perish the thought! Did L have no social awareness whatsoever?

“No, that’s weird.” Misa snapped. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you Ryuzaki? Can’t you find some other couple to perv out on?”

“If I find another couple suspected of mass murder, I just might do that.” L offered sourly.

Light resisted the urge to bury his face in one of L’s cakes. How long was this date supposed to last again?

“Okay, how about this.” Misa attempted to compromise. “If we shut the door, can you wait outside? We’d be like…five feet away!”

L was not impressed. “I must see Misa-san and Light-kun at all times.”

“Well…..what if we keep the doors open, and you just look away?” Misa tried again, her eyes gleaming with hope. 

“No Misa, he would still be able to hear us!” Light interjected, before L could offer in his two cents. How had they gotten on this topic of conversation again? And more importantly, how could he get out of it? 

“Would that be a problem for Light-kun? Would it bother him if he knew I could hear him?” L asked, meaningfully. His eyes glinted mischievously. He turned to Light and cocked his head, as if actually expecting an answer.

Light paled. What was L doing? He wasn’t going to out him, was he? Light resisted the urge to flee the room. He hoped L would have enough manners to stay quiet, and not raise any questions. 

“Yes?” He told the raven, as if that should be obvious. L just smirked, and shoved a forkful of chocolate cake in his mouth.

“Interesting.” He mumbled around the desert. Light stiffened. 

*Please don’t say anything suggestive!* He prayed, hoping fortune would be on his side.

“Hey, Light? What do you think of my outfit?” Misa piped up again, obviously not liking being ignored. 

Light, while thankful for the subject change, was unsure of how to respond. Misa was dressed in another gothic getup. While her red top and black shorts weren’t all that bad, Light didn’t care for the chunky jewelry that was wrapped around her neck. And she was wearing striped socks. God, how Light hates stripes.

“It’s nice.” He responded, awkwardly. He felt like he should add more to the compliment, so he did. “It’s very…stripey?”

He cringed at that. *God, could I sound any more disingenuous.* He silently berated himself.

“You look very pretty Misa.” He told her, flashing her a small smile. “Red looks really good on you.”

He saw Misa’s eyes light up with happiness, and she squealed loudly. “You’re so sweet!” She gushed, rushing over to climb into his lap and wrap her arms around him in a death grip. Light patted her back awkwardly, trying to not choke under the smell of her perfume. She smelled like two million flowers. 

L let out an derisive snort. 

“What?” Misa demanded, having heard him. She pulled away and crossed her arms, still straddling Light. 

L shrugged. “Did I say something?” He asked, innocently. 

Misa pursed her glossed lips. “Whatever.”

And Light was caught in the middle! Silence filled the room as Light tried to contemplate how to nicely ask Misa to get off of him. “Misa, my legs are falling asleep.”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie!” She exclaimed. Unfortunately, she did not go back to the opposite couch. Instead, she decided to sit right in the middle of L and Light. She made a big show of snuggling up to him, and wrapping herself around his body even tighter. 

*Now my arm is falling asleep.* Light thought, bitterly. Even though it wasn’t. He just wanted to gripe to himself. 

“Soooo, when are you guys gonna catch Kira?” Misa questioned earnestly. “I wanna see the shinigami!”

“Well, we were discussing it. Before you interrupted and pulled us away to fraternize.” L told her, dryly. Light could feel Misa stiffen against him, and the blonde whipped her head around to glare at L. Light scrunched his nose up in distaste as her hair hit his face. 

“WhatEVER!” She groaned, loudly. “I think you guys should just place a trap door in his house. Then he could, like, fall into a big cage!”

“Hm.” L started. “That sounds like a good idea. For a children’s comedy show.”

“Hmph!” Misa tore her arms away from the brunette to once again cross them over her chest. “You are so mean! And that was a joke, anyways.”

“Was it?” L murmured. He then proceeded to mutter something in french. 

“What did you say?” Misa demanded, incensed. L once again gave her a blank stare. 

“Just thinking aloud.”

Light rolled his eyes, he hoped Misa and L wouldn’t engage in a catfight. He would probably get hit in the crossfire.

“Well, maybe we should get back-“ He started, trying to think of an escape plan but Misa loudly cut him off.

“No! This date hasn’t even lasted twenty minutes!” She whined. “Look, Light, I know this isn’t very romantic…but we can still have fun!”

Light blinked. How? Nothing about this was fun! He just wanted to catch Higuchi already. And sitting next to the person you’re dating and the person you’re messing around with, if they happen to be different individuals, is quite the awkward mess. 

But, nevertheless, he nodded his head in polite agreement. “You’re right. So, what should we do?”

“Hmmmm…” Misa slumped onto the couch besides him, swinging her foot lazily so that it almost hit him in the shin. “We could play truth or dare! That’s a fun group activity!

“No!” “Sure.” L and Light answered, simultaneously. Light shot a discreet glare at L. What was the detective thinking? Light was so not in the mood for party games.

And he hoped a certain someone wouldn’t be dared to tell the truth.

“Goody!” Misa clapped her hands together, smiling. She either hadn’t of heard Light’s objection or decided to ignore it. “We’ll go in order! Light, ask me truth or dare?”

“Uh, truth or dare?” He asked, tiredly. 

“I’ll go with truth!” She told him, excitedly. Light internally frowned. Great, now he was supposed to come up with a question. 

“….Uhhh…” He stammered, feeling the cogs turn inside of his head. “Do you think shinigami are real?”

He smirked to himself. There! That would teach L a lesson, for going along with this asinine game. He could almost feel L’s eyes cutting into him. 

“Of course.” She nodded. “If you saw one, I totally believe they exist. It’s a spooky thought, isn’t it? Oh wow, imagine if there’s one in the room with us right now!”

Light shuddered. Well, he hadn’t thought of that. Paranoia filled him and he tried to discreetly look around the room. Nothing seemed amiss. But then again, supernatural beings were probably good at hiding. 

“Ryuzaki.” She started, politely turning her head to acknowledge the detective. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” L started, before he quickly added. “But, I will not answer any questions about my identity.”

Misa frowned. “Okay….well, do you think Light and I are the perfect couple?”

Light felt as if a pile of bricks had just fell onto him. He buried his hand underneath himself, as to stop himself from face palming. Talk about the elephant in the room! And the elephant just stared back at his blonde girlfriend, looking dead in the eyes.

“Yes.” He answered. “I believe Misa-san is the perfect woman for Light-kun.”

Light wanted to hurl. What would posses Misa to ask such a question? And more importantly, what on earth did L mean? *He's just lying again.* Light supposed. 

“Aw, thank you Ryuzaki!” Misa beamed. “Now, you ask Light.”

“Okay, sure.” L replied, having the gall to smirk at Light. Before L even had a chance to let the words pass through his lips, Light intervened.

“The same rules apply for me.” He told the man. “I’m not answering any ‘are you Kira’ questions.”

“That’s not what I was going to ask!” L defended. Light just slumped backwards against the velvet cushions.

“So, Light-kun, truth or dare?”

“Dare, I guess.” Light sighed. He had had enough of people picking boring questions, anyways. 

“Okay, I dare you to eat a whole cupcake.” L raised his eyebrows, pointing to a stack of vanilla cupcakes. Light stared at the treat, dumbfounded.

“Really?” He slide his sour gaze over to L. And L stared back at him, earnestly. He nodded his head, urging Light to continue.

So, sighing once again, Light picked up one of the cupcakes. He glared at the sugary treat in his palm. He hoped that if he glared at it long enough, it would disappear in a wisp of air. Unfortunately, no such event occurred. 

What was it with L and his sweets? And why was he so intent on torturing everyone else with them? Sighing, he brought the cupcake up to his mouth and proceeded to take a bite. 

And he nearly spit it out when it hit his taste buds. Grimacing in horror and disgust, he began to slowly chew. *What’s the matter with Watari?* He seethed. For this cupcake tasted as if ten pounds of sugar had just been injected inside. It tasted so sweet, that it turned sour inside of his mouth. His jaw felt stiff and his stomach rolled with nausea. The sugar seemed to cling to his teeth. He could almost feel them rotting, just from the pure sweetness of this cursed cake.

How had L not died of diabetes yet?

L noticed his displeasure, and unhelpfully decided to point out the glaringly obvious. “You don’t like it?”

Turning his annoyed gaze onto L, Light scoffed in displeasure. “It’s too sweet.” He told the raven, dully. L brought a thumb up to his mouth.

“Yes.” He nodded. “That’s the whole point.”

Light rolled his eyes, and continued to torture himself with the confection. He had stopped taking small, polite bites. Instead, he was ravaging the damn thing. Because this was possibly the worst thing he had ever had in his mouth.

And he had kissed Higuchi.

He struggled to swallow the last bit of mushy sugar decaying in his mouth. After the mush had successfully slide past his gullet, he shivered with disgust. Turning his head, he found L and Misa staring at him. L looked quite amused and even Misa had her hands over her face to hide her smile. Light frowned, his annoyance growing tenfold. 

“It’s not funny!” He snapped, when Misa accidentally let a small giggle escape. “That was so gross. I’m never eating anything with sugar again.”

“Really?” L asked, smiling wickedly. “Not even a wedding cake?”

If Light had still been munching on that depraved desert, he would of surely choked after hearing that remark. He stared at L as if the man had just turned into an alien. “What?” He uttered, completely confused. What on earth did that mean? Had L officially gone crazy?

Even Misa had noticed the newfound tension, and stared quizzically back at L.

“Yes, wedding cake. Cake that people eat at weddings Light-kun.” L told him, as if he was stating the obvious. Light resisted the urge to scream into a pillow. THAT obviously wasn’t the part he was concerned about!

L, after noticing that Light wasn’t offering a rebuttal to that, explained some more. “At your’s and Misa’s wedding, of course.”

Misa beamed and Light felt himself sink even lower. Why in the hell was L talking about weddings? And why was he putting that godforsaken idea into Misa’s head? Light inwardly groaned, thinking up all of the different scenarios that Misa would now create with this information.

“You think we should have a wedding?” Misa gasped excitedly. “We totally should! Isn’t that right, Light darling?”

“Is it hot in here?” Light gulped, fanning himself slightly. “Maybe we should get back to the game?”

“Oh, okay!” Misa smiled, seemingly forgetting about the whole marriage idea. Light relaxed, he was safe. For now. 

But in the near future, he was probably going to have to dodge some ring stores and courthouses. 

Trying not to stare at L, Light proceeded to ask Misa truth or dare. Because, what was L’s game anyway? Why was he acting so weird? And why did he keep saying things that he knew would upset Light? Light felt his head ache, L was so complicated. 

“I’ll do dare, since you did dare.” Misa exclaims, interrupting his musings. Light pondered over this for a few moments, before looking over at L discreetly. Two could play this game.

“Alright Misa, I dare you to kiss Ryuzaki.” Light told the model, resisting the urge to chuckle maniacally. Light caught L’s scathing glare directed towards him before the detective schooled his features. Light smirked, he could make L uncomfortable too. 

Misa scrunched her face up in distaste. “Gross! Light, how could you even suggest that?” Misa wailed. “I don’t wanna be disloyal to you!”

“Is this Light-kun’s idea of a joke?” L demands petulantly, violently taking a bite out of a cookie. “I have no desire to kiss Misa-san.”

Light does roll his eyes at this. It’s not a big deal, surely these two aren’t fighting with him over a dare! “You don’t have to make out with him or anything.” Light patiently explains to Misa. “But surely a kiss on the cheek wouldn’t be a big deal?”

“But I’m wearing lipgloss!” Misa pouts. Light just cocks his head, what does that have to do with anything?

“Light-kun is a voyeur.” L comments needlessly. Light frowns. 

“That’s not what that means.” Light crosses his arms. “What? Are you guys chickens?”

L’s eyes suddenly glint with challenge. He looks Light up and down, and then shrugs. “If Misa-san wishes to complete the dare I will not stop her.”

“No way!” Misa snaps. “This is just wrong!”

“Bwak Bwak Bwak.” Light clucks childishly, drawing his hands underneath his armpits to indicate flapping wings. Misa scowls. 

“Fine, but it’ll be a friendly peck.” She mutters sourly. She then reaches over and quickly kisses L on the cheek, her lips making a moist suction noise. Drawing her head away, she stares at Light bitterly. “Happy?”

Light shrugs. “See? It wasn’t that big of a deal, it’s just a game after all.”

L, however, decides to antagonize Light and Misa even further. “I could actually fall for you.” He murmurs, faux affection spreading across his face. Light feels himself turn green. 

“Let’s not go that far….” Misa laughs, uneasily. “But, you could be a friend of mine! Would that be okay?”

L smirks. “Yes, so now I’ve gained yet another friend.”

Misa nods earnestly, a small smile spreading across her face. “Yeah! Of course, any friend of Light’s is a friend of mine as well.”

Light clenches his teeth, and realizes jealously is coursing inside of his veins. What the hell? He knows L doesn’t actually like Misa. He only said that to be obstinate. However, Light still feels annoyance run rapidly through him. He glares at L through slitted eyes. L just smiles at him, deviousness shining inside of his obsidian eyes. 

Light sulks as Misa proceeds to ask L truth or dare. *What if L really is interested in Misa?* He thinks, with horror. He bites his lip. He suddenly has the urge to drag L out of the room and kiss him senselessly, if only to confirm that he still has L’s affections. But, of course, that would cause a scene. So Light decides to simply stew in his resentment. 

“Dare.” L responds, listlessly. “Since I already have chosen a truth.”

“Okay, hm, how about…” Misa pretends to think, and then smiles as if a lightbulb has just gone off over her heard. “I dare you to leave the room!”

L frowns deeply. His eyes narrow hatefully and he somehow sinks deeper into the couch. “I will not do that.” He snaps. 

“You have to!” Misa scowls. “Everyone else did their dares!”

“I will not do anything that threatens my investigation.” L states, stubbornly. 

The two have a brief stare off, and Light rolls his eyes. 

“How about we compromise?” He reasons. He just wants to get back to his computer. “Misa, you can kiss me for a few minutes while L closes his eyes. There, that way you both win.”

“That’s not a dare!” Misa snaps. 

Light sighs. “Well, either come up with another dare or don’t. But I know Ryuzaki and he’s not going to leave the room.”

“You guys are so lame!” Misa pouts. Suddenly, an evil twinkle enters her eyes. “Fine. But Ryuzaki, promise me this. If you don’t want to leave the room, you have to do the next dare no matter what.”

L glares at her suspiciously, making Misa roll her eyes. “It won’t ruin your dumb investigation, I promise.”

“Well, then, go on.” L replies stiffly, still regarding the idol with suspicion. Misa claps her hands. 

“I dare you to prank call Matsuda!”

Light feels a smile grow on to his face. L, on the other hand, looks horrified. “Do you realize who I am?” He scowls. “I am the world’s greatest detective. I do not indulge in ‘prank calls.’”

“You promised!” Misa points an accusatory finger at the raven. “There’s no good reason you can’t do this dare, you jerk!”

“She’s right.” Light interjects, trying and failing to hide his grin. “Come on, Ryuzaki. Have a little fun.”

“This game is not fun.” L shoots back, sourly. Still, he reluctantly reaches into his pocket and pulls his cell phone out. Light and Misa watch him dial Matsuda’s number with childish delight. Rolling his eyes, L presses dial.

“Such a waste of my time.” He mumbles. 

“Hello? Ryuzaki? Hey! What’s up?” Matsuda’s cheery voice comes through the other line. Light can almost see steam shooting out of the other’s ears. 

“Hello, Matsuda.” L replies airily. “Let me ask you this. Is the refrigerator in the kitchen running?”

Light gapes and Misa muffles a giggle. THAT’S the line L chooses to use? *This is just too good.* Light reflects gleefully. He wishes that he could videotape this interaction. L looks positively miserable. 

“Let me check.” It’’s no surprise that Matsuda, being the baka that he is, takes this inquiry seriously. Light can hear shuffling on the other end, indicating that Matsuda has actually left his work station and gone to the kitchen. He and Misa exchange looks. She elbows him playfully and he cheekily grins. L still looks quite put out. 

“It’s still running!” Matsuda exclaims. “Why, did you need something from it?”

L sighs loudly. “Well, if it’s still running you’d better go and catch it.”

Light and Misa cannot control themselves any longer, they burst out laughing. Misa actually stumbles onto the floor and Light slumps onto the couch arm. The way L so seriously told Matsuda that corny line…it’s just too much. L’s scowl grows. 

“It’s not that funny!” He snaps. Light and Misa disagree, their laughter reaching maximum volume. Light starts to feel tears running from his eyes and struggles to catch his breath.

“Hello? Ryuzaki? Why should I catch it?” Matsuda sounds from the other line, sounding utterly confused. This just causes Light and Misa to burst out into more boisterous giggles. “What’s going on?”

“This was a prank phone call, Matsuda.” L rolls his eyes, letting out a giant huff of annoyed breath. “You may go back to work now.”

“A prank call?” Matsuda’s confusion hasn’t lessened at all. “I don’t get it?”

And with that, L simply hangs up. Light tries to collect himself, breathing loudly and wiping his face. His sides hurt and a wide grin is still plastered on his face. Misa is still rolling around on the floor and giggling.

“That-“ She gasps. “-was hilarious!”

“It really wasn’t.” L stares down at the model with disdain. He then catches sight of Light’s grin. “And what are you smiling at?” He demands. Light just shrugs.

“Nothingggg.” He drawls, cheekily. “You know L, now we might have to give you the title ‘world’s best prank caller!’”

“Oh my God.” Misa has finally pulled herself off of the floor, and slumps next to Light. “Ryuzaki, you’re kind of funny!”

L stills looks quite annoyed. “It’s a gift.” He replies, sarcastically. “Now, is it my turn to ask Light-kun a truth or dare?”

Light’s smile is immediately wiped off of his face. He gulps, and looks at L pleadingly. *Oops, I shouldn’t have egged Misa on.” He thinks, guilty. He suspects that whatever option he chooses next, L will use it as an opportunity to embarrass him. 

But L’s lips twitch into a wicked smirk. And he actually has he nerve to wink at Light! The brunette pales, but luckily Misa is oblivious to their silent exchange. “Yeah! Ask Light something!”

Light bites his cheek as L adjusts his posture slightly. “Okay Light-kun, truth or dare?”

“Uhhh..” Light hesitates, trying to determine which option will be the least risky to choose. “Truth.” He finally answers, not wanting L to dare him not doing anything risky. Knowing L, he’d just dare the brunette to shave his hair!

“Hm, does this mean I can ask the great Light-kun anything?” L makes a great show of pretending to think. He hums loudly, looking up at the ceiling and fiercely nibbling on his thumb. “Hm, let’s see…"

Light bristles, unease traipsing through him. He doesn’t like how long L is dragging the out. “Just ask me already.” He scowls.

L smiles, and cocks his head. “Okay. Tell me, what is Light-kun’s most embarrassing secret?”

Light blushes, and tries not to gape. Well, shit. He definitely knew what his most embarrassing secret was, but obviously he was not about to tell L and Misa. And, by extension, the whole task force including his father. No, that would get him disowned or killed. Maybe both.

So, he pretended to look embarrassed. He didn’t want L to think he was hiding anything. Averting his eyes to the floor, he complained loudly. “Do I have to?” He groaned. “God Ryuzaki, you’re the worst!”

“Now, now.” L chided. “You’re among friends here, we won’t share your secrets.”

Light pursed his lips, and gave L an incredulous look.

Misa joined in with L, soothing him as she lovingly rubbed his arm. “Yeah Light, we swear we won’t judge you!”

“Fine!” Light exhaled loudly, throwing his head back against the cushions. “…I used to play the piano.”

L’s expression soured. “That’s not an embarrassing secret!” He scowled. “That’s not even a secret.”

“That’s so cute!” Misa squealed, placing a chaste kiss on Light’s cheek. “I bet you’re the best piano player ever!”

“No, I’m not" Light groaned. “And that’s why it’s embarrassing. At one of the performances, I accidentally played a wrong note. I swear, I was humiliated!” 

And it wasn’t necessarily a lie. While it wasn’t the worst secret Light could’ve shared, it had been an awful experience. He had been forced to play out the rest of the song, terrified of messing up another note. He had felt the stares from the audience cutting into him, judging him. His father had been very disappointed. his mother, while sounding slightly miffed, had assured him that it would all be okay. That she was sure no one had noticed. But family friends and neighbors had brought up the embarrassing event and joked about it for years after. 

Even now, Light could feel that familiar feeling of defeat seep into his bones. He slightly shook his head, hating that feeling. “It was awful, I got grounded.”

L seemed put out by this. “Why?” He questioned, curiously. Light shrugged.

“My father thought I hadn’t been practicing enough.” He told the detective, dryly. Resentment towards his father bubbling up within him. 

An awkward silence stretched across the room after that. None of them knew what to say next. Finally, L sighed and stood up. He straightened his back out and then hunched over again, which made no sense to Light.

“Well, we should be getting back now.” L told Misa, with finality. Eager to get back to work, Light quickly stood up as well.

“Awww no fair-“ Misa began to object, but Light silenced her by pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek. He could feel the makeup smearing against his lips which made him shudder. But it appeased Misa, as when he pulled away she was staring up at him dreamily. 

“I’ll see you later Misa, good bye.” Light told her, leaving no room for objections. She just smiled back at him, softly.

“Okay, I understand.” She told him, trying to hide her disappointment. A faint blush colored her cheeks. “Good luck, you guys!”

L and Light nodded, and quickly made their way out of the room. Not wanting to be stopped again for any reason. Making their way down the hall and to the elevator, the tension grew. The silence was so heavy Light felt as if he was suffocating in it. He snuck a look in L’s direction only to find the man looking troubled. His usual stoicism was tossed away, and he looked deep in thought. His eyes were concentrated, yet far away. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Light finally questioned, looking at L warily. They were waiting for the elevator to arrive, and L still hadn’t said a word. “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

Looking at him quizzically, L brings his thumb to his mouth. He stares at Light, studying him. The intensity of L’s look makes Light feel as if he were a bug under a microscope. 

“Why would Light-kun think that?” L finally asked. Light shrugged. 

“You seemed quiet.” Light revealed. “I thought you might be annoyed over the game.”

L raised an eyebrow. “No, while it was a inconvenience, I had a good time. Misa is actually quite good company, when she wants to be.”

Light nodded, slowly. He wasn’t sure if he believed the detective. “Yeah, she’s alright.” He laughed, uncomfortably. They fell back into an uncomfortable silence, waiting for the elevator doors to open. 

Before getting in, L looked around. As if trying to see if anyone was watching them. He then got into the lift besides Light, just as the doors closed. And when they did, L immediately pinned Light up against the wall and attacked his lips ferociously. Stunned, but trying not to show it, Light hesitantly kissed back. The detective gripped his back tightly, pulling Light as close to him as physically possible. Light heard himself let out a low moan as he began to hungrily kiss back with more urgency. The wet sounds of kissing filled the silent elevator as they slowly made their descent. 

And then, just as suddenly as it had happened, it stopped. L ceased his actions and slowly pulled away from Light. The raven’s charcoal eyes were now studying his intently, making Light’s knees feel weak. 

“Sorry.” L muttered, lowly. He created more distance between himself and Light, choosing to now lean on the wall besides the brunette. “I’d been wanting to do that for the last hour.”

“Okay.” Light whispered faintly, his mind still in a daze. His lips tingled and his throat felt dry. Blinking, he turned to face L. The detective still looked troubled, making Light’s heart ache. 

But before Light could question the state of L’s mood once again, the detective started speaking. His voice was soft, as if telling you a secret. “I suppose you thought my actions strange.” He mused. Light slowly nodded, making L let out a low chuckle. The sound warmed Light’s heart.

“I apologize.” He told Light, though he did not sound too sincere. “I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve never told you this, but I love to get you riled up.”

Light felt his eyebrows furrow after hearing this information. Why would L purposely throw him into a tizzy? Was this another game? “Why?” He asked, testily.

“Because, you always look so cute when you get annoyed.” L explained, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Light felt his eyes widen. “Your eyes contain such a fire that makes my heart race. And the way you get so indignant it…does things to me.”

Light felt another fierce blush overtake his face. His heart felt like he had just run a marathon. He swallowed thickly, unable to meet L’s gaze. “Oh.” He whispered, quietly. He felt quite giddy, yet shy at the same time. 

The elevator doors opened with a ding, making Light jump. He saw L smirk at him out of his peripheral, and the detective made his way out of the lift. Swallowing, Light continued to study L. The way he walked, the way his hair fell onto his face…Light drank these details in. 

He felt something, but he couldn’t quite put a name to the emotion. 

“Come.” L gestured with his head. He smiled at Light, making his heart jump. “We have a Kira to catch.”

Light nodded stiffly, hesitantly following after L. They walked along the corridor in silence, but this time it was comfortable. The air around them seemed to buzz with excitement, and Light had to bite his lip to stop himself from grinning like an idiot. He was working on a high profile murder case, after all. He shouldn’t be blushing like a schoolboy with a crush! Still, when L’s arm brushed slightly against his he couldn’t stop the butterflies from flooding his stomach. He looked at L, warmly, And the detective returned the gesture. 

Just before they reached the door to the main headquarters, L grabbed his arm. Halting his movements, Light stared back at the detective quizzically. And L gave him an impish smirk. 

“By the way,” L started, in a tone that made goosebumps arise on Light’s flesh. “You sound adorable when you laugh.”

Light could feel his ears burn as L laughed, opening the door in front of him. He bit his lip again as he walked past L.

The butterflies tripled. 

“What are you doing?” Light heard L’s voice quietly inquire from behind him. He felt the detective’s warm breath ghost over his back, and resisted the urge to blush. He had been doing far too much of that today, anyway.

They had been working for hours, and it was now nearing eleven thirty at night. Light’s back ached from sitting, but he continued to type on his keyboard furiously. L had busied most of the task force with busy work, and ordered them all to continue devising a plan to catch Kira.

But now, Light was currently working on an essay for college. he had to, after all. he was still enrolled in school and couldn’t let himself fall behind. And he had worked on the Kira case for far too long today, anyway. Well, as much as he could, considering that L and his father still forbade him from playing undercover cop. 

So he had busied himself with classwork. opting not to think about how much faster this whole investigation would go if they just let him trick Higuchi. Also, he wanted to distract himself from what L had said to him earlier. He didn’t want to admit how much L’s words had had an affect on him.

He also didn’t want to admit just how badly he had wanted to jump the detective all day. 

He turned his head slightly to observe L. The man had slide his chair next to Light’s, and was hunched a few inches over him. L’s gaze was fixed on Light’s computer screen and Light resisted the urge to scowl.

*Great, I hope I’m not berated for actually DOING my homework.* He thought, worry filling him up. 

“Nothing.” He answers, a little too quickly. He wishes that he was working on a laptop, so that he could slam the lid shut. 

“You know I can see you’re working on an essay, right?” Comes L’s unimpressed response. Light hears himself sigh. “Why do you lie about the silliest things?”

“I just didn’t want you thinking that I was slacking off on the Kira case.” Light mumbles. “Because I’m not! I just-“

“Light-kun is a college student, it is only reasonable that he devotes time to is studies. You don’t need to explain anything to me.” L interrupted, with a sly smirk. “So, you’re working on an essay?”

Light grown, turning back to the monitor. “I’m trying.” He answers, honestly. “It’s pretty hard to focus on anything but the Kira case, though. I just wish you would let me investigate Higuchi.”

“Light, no.” L narrowed his eyes. “I will not allow you to go near that predator again. You’re much too valuable."

Light blushed at the praise and nodded. There was no point in voicing his objections to L anyway. The man wouldn’t take no for an answer. Once L decided on something, there was nothing anyone could do to change his mind. And it wasn’t like he could get close to Higuchi, anyway. Not with these handcuffs. He would just have to trust L’s judgement, and shove down his own indignation about being all but dismissed. 

“What’s your essay about?” L questioned, breaking Light out of his musings. 

“I’m supposed to examine the relationship between socioeconomic status and criminal behavior.” Light responded, glaring at the half written essay. “The idea is to write about how certain circumstances could effect criminal behavior.”

“Hm, I see.” L responded, studying what Light had already written. 

Light felt quite apprehensive about letting L see his work. While he wasn’t shy about showing off his achievements, in the past he had never allowed anyone to look at his work assignments until he had deemed them perfect. And this essay was off to a rocky start, to say the least. Every time he tried to write something, his mind would wander back to the Kira case. And he would think about Kira. Higuchi. 

“This sounds familiar.” L comments, idly. “Are you writing about the Kira case.”

Light stiffened. “No.” He proclaimed, a little too hastily. He didn’t want L to sue him for leaking confidential information, after all. “The Kira case is ongoing, therefore I cannot discuss any of it’s findings. It would be irresponsible to write a paper on the very investigation I am working on. At least, before it’s solved that is.”

“But, it’s heavily present in your mind.” L pressed, making Light inwardly groan.

“…I can’t help it.” Light responded, honestly. “It just makes me think of Kira.”

“How?” L prompted, curiously.

“I just can’t figure it out.” Light answered, honestly. “I mean, what could’ve led Higuchi down this path?”

“Who can say?” L scoffed. “My guess is that Higuchi is using Kira’s powers because of his own agenda. Yotsuba is using Kira to kill off their competitors. They are using Kira for their own gain.”

“I mean, I get that.” Light begins. “I know that the powerful will use whatever means necessary to eliminate their enemies. The higher ups in society have been doing it for ages, just with different means.”

“Exactly. He wants to be all powerful. Higuchi wants money and power. And those things are at the very root of corruption.” L says, knowingly. As if that is all there is to it.

“But how does one fall that far from grace?” Light wonders. “How could one be driven to take the lives of others? And this isn’t just a few CEOs or business men, this is a genocide.”

“Higuchi is not the first Kira. The first Kira has entirely different goals.” L sighs. “He is merely taking advantage of the situation.”

“But, why?” Light asks. “I mean, for the sake of my essay.”

“Of course.” L muses. He seems to ponder over this. Light can see L’s reflection in the computer screen. He looks lost in thought, his eyes narrowed in concentration. 

“I suppose perhaps he had always felt inadequate.” L finally speaks. “Killing others must feel quite powerful, after all. To determine whether someone will live or die? No mere human should posses that kind of power. And I suspect once someone has tapped into that part of themselves, the part that is unbound by society’s laws, they must loose themselves entirely.”

“Part of them?” Light questions. “You make it sound as if you believe everyone is secretly Kira.”

“I think anyone is capable of murder.” L says, coldly. “It all depends on how far they are pushed. And how weak their resolve is.”

“But not everyone is a killer.” Light argues. “There are still good people in this world, L. If everyone had the capabilities to be a murderer, what’s stopping them?”

“Fear.” L states. “Fear, or some idea of morality. Some people deem themselves to be purer than criminals, because they lock themselves in these black and white cages of what’s good and what’s evil. They look at the news and gasp in horror, wondering how someone could be capable of such heinous crimes. But then, they lie awake at night, wondering if something could push them to act the same.”

Light frowned, L sounded as if he was talking about another situation. “Would you ever kill someone?”

L didn’t respond, so Light turned around. L was looking straight ahead, at nothingness. His eyes looked like the were reminiscing over something painful. Light looked at the raven, uneasily. He wondered if he should say something. 

But then, L finally directed his gaze back onto Light. And Light almost choked under the intensity that filled L’s eyes. He looked haunted. “I thought about it, once.” He uttered, so softly that Light almost didn’t hear him. “But I didn’t. Because I would’ve lost.”

Light’s breath caught in his throat, shocked by L’s admission. “Why?” Was the only thing he could think of to ask.

“There are many ways to kill a person, Light-kun.” L’s voice sounds distant, cold. “Sometimes, all you need to do is break someone’s spirit. Words can be just as deadly as a knife.”

Light’s blood felt cold. He didn’t respond, he couldn’t. So he turned back to his computer, wondering who could’ve made that much of an effect on the stoic L.

“Would you ever kill someone?” L asked, making Light’s stomach clench in an unpleasant way. 

“No.” He told the raven, firmly. He pretended to start typing. “I told you, I’m not Kira.”

“I know.” L told him, sounding bored. “But I’m asking hypothetically.”

“Hypothetically, no.” Light rolled his eyes. “I mean, is there really a difference between imagining yourself to be a murderer and actually being one?”

“Yes, because in one scenario the victim will end up dead.” L condescended, speaking to Light as if he was still in grade school. Light resisted the urge to smash his keyboard.

“Ok, well, whatever.” Was his brilliant retort. “Look, can you just drop it? I don’t like thinking about murder.”

“Why?” L pressed, infuriating the brunette.

“Because, it’s an ugly thought!” Light sputtered. Did he really have to explain why he, of all people, wouldn’t like imagining himself in criminal scenarios? 

“But, surely, you’ve thought about it at least once.” L continued, not deterred in the slightest. “I know about your views on justice. There’s a reason I suspected you, you know.”

“Seriously?” Light spun his chair around, angrily. He could almost feel his blood boiling. “Just because I hate evil doesn’t mean I’m capable of murder!”

“Okay, just calm down.” L hissed, looking worriedly at the fellow task force members. Luckily, they were on the other side of the room and seemed to be unaware of their current spat. “I’m asking, not as L, but as a friend.”

“Friends don’t suspect friends of committing genocide when they’re completely innocent.” Light sulked, not meeting L’s gaze. He couldn’t help it, it was like L was pouring salt into the wound. After everything that had happened between them, after all they had gone through, why couldn’t L believe him? 

“Alright.” L muttered, sounding quite put out. Light spun back to his computer, feeling hurt and miserable. “I thought we were innocently debating, is all.”

“That was an interrogation, not a debate.” Light muttered to himself. Louder, he addressed L while looking stiffly at his half written homework. “I think criminals should be put in jail. I think that the justice system should punish them for their crimes. I’m certainly not a perfect person myself, I have no right to judge criminals. Kira thinks he does. That’s the difference between us. That, and all of the murder of course.”

L didn’t respond, so Light continued on his rant. 

“I mean, anyone could say that the world would be better off if all criminals were dead.” He admitted. “But to think that way and actually go out and cleanse the world, it makes Kira no better than a dictator. Kira is a heartless, maniacal psychopath with a god-complex. I was raised by my father, the chief of police. If anything, I would believe murder is the most despicable crime of all. So tell me, how do my morals align with Kira again?”

Light could feel L’s gaze on him, studying him. 

“I understand.” L told him, softly. “Don’t worry, we will catch Higuchi and then hopefully we can put this whole mess behind us.”

He nodded, still not bothering to say anything. Light wondered if he was the mess that L was referring to.


	7. High On Your 'Love'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, shit -_- The chapter no one wanted but I provided anyway. L messes up, in a bigger way than usual, and drugs Light. My poor boy:((( L, karma is gonna come after you for this...that's all I can say X(
> 
> And now L truly is having major doubts, like 'holy shit did I just traumatize an innocent kid' doubts. And more of the story is revealed. Ryuk provides some answers...what are we thinking? Is Light Kira? Is he not? Will he become Kira eventually?
> 
> This is the calm before the storm. Which is odd to say, because this chapter isn't calming in the slightest. But things are about to come to Light (pun intended) and...it's all gonna hit the fan...stay tuned!
> 
> As always I gobble up reviews, and I love each and every one of you who decide to read this story. My heart <3 loves you all:))
> 
> P.S. The song L sings is in French. I recommend looking up the translation of the lyrics, it makes it that much more heartbreaking :'( The song is called 'Ne me quitte pas'

Light was seething, almost baking alive from anger. He tried not to show how annoyed he was by quickly turning his chair away from the group. He glared at some Kira article that had been pulled up on his computer.

L had just come up with a plan to catch Higuchi. And boy, was it stupid.

Light would never admit that it was actually a pretty smart plan, however. He was just upset that he wasn’t allowed to be involved at all. He was the one who had originally caught Higuchi, after all.

But no, Matsuda would be the bait. L had proposed that since Higuchi had thought Matsuda was dead, they would have the rookie appear on Sakura TV. Higuchi would be enraged. And he would most likely be full of fear. For Matsuda was going to give a ‘tell all interview’ about how he knew the true identity of Kira. Of course, Matsuda wasn’t actually going to let the cat out of the bag. No, but the cat wouldn’t be any the wiser. 

Light, of course, couldn’t be the worm on the hook so to speak. “Higuchi already knows Light’s true name.” L had explained. “It would be much too easy to kill him.”

“Why would you even give the Kira suspect your true name anyways Light?” Aizawa had grumbled, shooting a pointed look at Light. Light had blanched, obviously he couldn’t release that information. He had just shrugged and claimed momentary stupidity. Luckily, most of the Task Force had bought it. Everyone but L, of course. 

Higuchi would then attempt to find Matsuda’s real name, knowing that the black-haired man had used an alias. They would follow Higuchi, and catch him attempting to kill Matsuda. They would find out how Higuchi killed, and arrest him promptly after.

L explained the plan as if he was explaining his grocery list. And in theory, there was no possible way anything could go wrong. But Light knew better. He knew how dangerous Kira was, and how this plan could end fatally. 

But of course, no one else was concerned. No, they ate everything up with earnest grins. L was their god, anything the man proposed they immediately supported. They acted as if L had just invented water, as if he was some almighty power. And this annoyed Light. Because this plan WAS risky, but no one else agreed with that sentiment. And Light knew the truth, L was as worried about capturing Higuchi as he was. 

“But what if he does find out Matsuda’s real name?” Light questions, hotly. “Then it’ll all be in vain, and Matsuda will just end up another nameless victim.”

“Aw, don’t be so negative Light-kun.” Matsuda replied soothingly, irking Light even more. “He’ll never find my real name. Right, L?”

“Yes.” L nods, sucking on his thumb. Or, is he? Light can never tell if his thumb is simply resting there or acting as some morbid chew toy. “I have erased all public traces of your true identity, you will be safe.”

“But Higuchi has connections!” Light presses, not willing to let the matter go that easily. “And we saw how Ukita was killed, even though his identity was unknown.”

“But Light,” L tried again. “Ukita-san was killed by the second Kira. And the second Kira had different powers that I am quite sure Higuchi does not possess. Why else would he fall for the fake identity?”

“But what if he contacts the second Kira? What if they’re working together?” Light demands, feeling his eyelid twitch.

“I am eighty-nine percent sure that is not the case.” L deadpans, and Light can hear the exasperation creeping into his voice. 

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Light waves his hand dismissively. “It’s because you still suspect Misa, right? And since she’s here, Higuchi cannot possibly be contacting her!”

L doesn’t respond, he just stares at him knowingly. This infuriates Light even more. He can feel his mask of perfection slipping, and knows his eyes are on fire with pure annoyance. Normally, he would walk away and blow off some steam alone. But, since anywhere Light goes L goes as well, Light cannot seethe in private. Therefore, he settles for taking a violent gulp of his coffee. However, he almost gags as the burning hot liquid ignites his tongue. Oops, he had thought that his beverage had had enough time to cool down.

*Great, now I have a singed tongue. Just one more nuisance to deal with.* He raged, silently. Yes, he knew why he was growing antsier by the day. He was just as eager to catch Higuchi as everyone else, because then he would no longer be a suspect. Higuchi would admit to everything, in the best case scenario, and the Kira case would be wrapped up with a neat little bow. At least, that’s how Light hoped everything would pan out. 

But, there was always the uncertainty that Higuchi would once again slip away from their grasp. That this whole mission would fail and that Higuchi would become even more fearsome, and go on some grotesque killing spree to get back at the Task Force. And, there was the possibility that all of them could be killed. Light included. In fact, if this whole plan failed, Light might just become number one on Higuchi’s shit list. 

He sighed loudly, glaring at his still steaming cup of coffee. No, there were too many variables to consider at the moment. And that made it impossible to find any solace in L’s plan. He hadn’t even begun to consider how the shinigami could meddle. And, he knew he was in danger from one of them. That much had been made clear from the white shinigami and from his night terrors. 

Light resisted the urge to smash his head into his keyboard. Were they foolishly playing into some kind of trap? Was it even possible to catch Kira, the most elusive serial murderer in history? And, if you considered the shinigami, would this nightmare ever truly be over? How many other demons were there? And more importantly, how many were out to get him? 

He could here mindless chatter from the task force, and decided to willfully drown it out. Clicking on a few random gossip articles, he decided it best to not stew in these troublesome thoughts any longer. Because no matter what he said or did, L’s plan would continue on. Light knew that L was going to do whatever he had to, legal or not, to get Higuchi’s confession. And Light would just have to sit back and watch the circus. 

After some time had passed and the Task Force had dispersed in order to do some more ’planning', L discreetly looked at Light through his peripheral. The brunette, to the untrained eye, looked as if he was scrolling through his computer casually. But L knew better. He knew, that under his calm and cool facade, Light was pissed. 

And it was no secret as to why. Light was furious that his ways of killing were about to be uncovered. Of course, he hid this under his ‘fear’ for Matsuda. L had almost rolled his eyes at the claim, what a joke. No, Light was going to do everything in his power to protect Higuchi. Or at least, to protect the way in which he killed. 

L tried not to sigh. Though he had at first been confused by Light’s cornering Kira, he now knew exactly what the brunette had been trying to do. Light had brought Higuchi into the spotlight not because he was trying to catch Kira, but because he was trying to shield himself. Yes, it was the perfect strategy. Light would let Higuchi take the fall for everything, including the original murderers. Higuchi would be apprehended and killed, and everyone would believe that Kira had been stopped. Including the Task Force members. They would disband, and the case would be closed.

And Light would walk away clean, skipping merrily back to college. Light’s crimes would be forever hidden, for dead men cannot talk. And, of course everyone would want to believe that Higuchi was Kira. The man had a perfect motive, he was eliminating his competition and using criminals to disguise his true intentions. And Higuchi was an older man. He was not that pretty to look at, and he was an evil corporate mongrel. He fit the profile of a serial killer perfectly.

As opposed to sweet, wide-eyed Light. Who was the role model citizen. No one would ever suspect the intelligent youngling with the shining smile. Light was polite and easy-going, the brunette would be able to charm a snake. And Light was still a child. He was a mere teenager who had been framed by the evil Higuchi. That’s the story that the task force would eat up with silver spoons. Light didn’t look like a murderer, therefore he was innocent. Absolved of any wrongdoings. 

But L couldn’t be fooled. Just because Light cuddled with him lovingly and gave him heartwarming smiles didn’t make him any less dangerous than Higuchi. In fact, it made him worse. For Light was the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing. He was hiding out in plain sight. The Task Force could watch Light commit bloody murder with their own eyes, and still would be swayed into believing Light was pure. 

And that was why Light was feeding them nonsense about ‘shinigami’ and a ‘Death Note’. L wasn’t even sure what a Death Note was supposed to be! Was Light trying to suggest that a mere notebook was what was picking off people like flies? Ha! L muffled a derisive chuckle. That was definitely a new excuse he hadn’t of heard before. If Light hadn’t of decided to become a criminal, he would of made a fine writer. An even better actor. 

But Light was tainting the evidence, drawing the Task Force’s interest away from the true evil. Of course the most natural conclusion was to assume that Kira’s powers were supernatural. L knew that, and Light knew that. The Task force would be so distracted by Light’s imaginings, that they would probably overlook the real weapon in the process. 

*You must think you’re so clever.* L mused, darkly. “And you are. You are definitely the most cunning monster I’ve ever had to face off with. Your appearance, your skin, it’s your greatest defense. And you use it to your advantage, because you absolutely know what you are doing.* People were shallow like that. It’s why they were so shocked by the ‘normal looking’ criminals. Everyone liked to believe that you could judge a book by it’s cover, and that that was the way to avoid the undesirables. But no one liked to think that a serial killer could be among themselves. No one liked to think that a killer could be their neighbor, or the nice man that helped you ride a bike when you were seven.

But L had never been deceived by appearances. Because, he knew people. And all people were ugly flesh sacks beneath their skin. 

L didn’t care for most people, he never really had. Because he knew that most individuals were rotten to the core. At the end of the day, everyone lied. Everyone stole, and everyone looked out for themselves. Most people, even ones with good intentions, would throw you under the bus to save themselves. That was simply human nature.

All humans were made up of sin, it was their fate. 

But Light’s innocence was not amusing anymore. No, L was growing desperate. He knew that Light did not have his powers, or killing method, or whatever you wanted to call it, at this very moment. For L had been on him like a barnacle, and Light had not had the chance to commit any crimes. But, L knew that after Higuchi was declared Kira that Light would most likely resume his own killing spree. He could hide in plain sight again, because 'Kira' would be sitting in a jail cell.

The likelihood of this happening was one hundred percent. 

And L also knew that he would be the first person that Light would kill. Because, despite Light’s sweet words and saccharine promises, it was all just an act. *The boy is on such a power trip he believes that he can manage to pull the wool over even my eyes.* L thinks, bitterly. Or, maybe he even believed his own lies. Liars tended to do that, they blurred the lines between reality and fantasy. Because, even though he hated to admit it, Light seemed very much genuine. Light did seem very innocent, and that scared L.

Because that meant that he had lost the plot. And if L let himself be deceived by Light, it would all be over. L would loose, and he would die. And L would not let himself be killed by Light, he simply couldn’t bear the thought of it. 

But he felt as if all of the evidence he had on Light had slipped away. The Task Force believed that Light had undoubtedly been framed. And if L didn’t have a confession, there was no feasible way he could continue to keep Light detained. Light would slip out of his grasp, and it would all be over. L knew that that was how Light was planning on winning the game. It was absurd, he knew what was going to happen but he was powerless to stop it.

Because, what was a king with no followers? If L continued to ‘unjustly’ persecute Light, the Task force would turn against him. And L would be ruined even further. Then he would have no resources, and be back to square one. 

No, the time to catch Light was now. Once Light was cleared, L knew that there was no possible way he could ever investigate him again. Because then he would seem mad and obsessed. They would think he had a vendetta against the poor brunette, and attempt to ruin him permanently. And L knew they could, if they really wanted to. They had all seen his real face after all. 

All the answers would be revealed the day after tomorrow, that L knew to be a fact. All he had to do was make sure that every last lie was uncovered. 

*I have to do something risky.* He bit his lip at the thought. It troubled him, but it was the only move he had left to play. He had stewed in this plan for days, thinking of every different way he could go about doing this. It could prove disastrous. There was a chance that it wouldn’t even work. But, he had to do something bold. And bold moves were what L did best. 

He discreetly looked down at his phone, studying the text confirmation he had received from a psychologist. She would arrive in secret, tonight.

After he had drugged Light. 

Yes, this looked bad. L knew that. If this ever got out, he would face serious legal trouble. But he hardly paid that thought any mind. Most confessions or evidence he had found had been obtained through illegal measures. The law was quite restrictive when it came to investigating, in L’s opinions. If he always followed what daddy said, then nothing would ever be solved. And it wasn’t as if he was drugging Light for lewd, perverted reasons. 

No, the brunette had to be completely vulnerable. If he didn’t have his guard up, he would be so much more pliable. He would be hazy, and disoriented. He wouldn’t have enough mental strength to lie. And that was exactly what L needed.

He needed Light to tell the truth, for once in his life. He needed Light to be utterly transparent, to be stripped bare. 

*And it’s not as if this was my first choice.* L assured himself. *No, I tried to play nice. I didn’t want to have to drug Light. But, what else was I supposed to do?* Because, even after all of L’s manipulation and coercing, Light was still tight-lipped. Light had swore up and down that he was not Kira, until he was blue in the face. When L was cruel, Light wasn’t Kira. And when L was coddling, Light wasn’t Kira. Even after his nightmares, when L would comfort him, Light still claimed he wasn’t Kira. No, he had played good cop. He had given Light a chance to be honest. But no matter how much he provoked Light, the brunette wouldn’t budge.

And he was running out of time. 

Tonight would be the night when L would hopefully receive answers. After the Task Force had gone, he would simply slip some crushed Vicodin into the coffee that Light always drank. He had managed to slip away last night while Light was asleep and retrieve some from Watari’s medical supplies. His handler was a licensed doctor, after all. Light would drink his coffee none the wiser, until it was too late anyway. 

Time seemed to drag by as L waited for nine pm to hit. He had instructed that the Task Force was to leave early tonight, making up the excuse that they needed to preserve their energy for catching Higuchi. 

All that was left to do now, was wait. 

“L?” A familiar voice asked to his right. Turning his head slightly, he was met with Light’s quizzical amber eyes. “What are you thinking about.”

L gave him a small small of reassurance. “Nothing in particular.” He replied. “Still mulling over the details of this plan, I suppose.”

Light narrowed his eyes. “You’re worried.” He announced. “I can see it in your eyes.”

L cursed himself and tried to discreetly school his expression. “I am worried about a lot of things at the moment, Light-kun.” He said vaguely, “There are many variables to consider.”

“Well, if you would just listen to my input-“

“NO!” L snapped, rather harshly. Light’s expression sobered immediately, and hurt flashed through his eyes. L felt a pain in his chest because, for a moment, Light looked like a wounded animal. But, the brunette’s expression quickly morphed into one of anger, and he pettishly whipped his chair away from the raven. 

“…I didn’t mean to snap at you.” L tried to placate his younger. “I….I just can’t stand the thought of you putting yourself in harms way.”

“Whatever.” The boy muttered, still sounding ruffled. “I’ve told you, I’m not a helpless wimp. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can.” L continued. “But this is out of your depth. This is out of MY depth for Christ’s sake! I will not have Kira near you, when we know he can kill in just under a minute. It’s not safe for anyone, including Matsuda.”

“Then why are you putting him in harm’s way!” Light demanded. 

“Because-“ L looked back at the Task Force, and they still appeared to be occupied. He slide is chair close to Light and delicately placed a hand on Light’s arm. “I could cope with Matsuda’s death, but I couldn’t bear yours.”

L could see Light’s cheeks redden, and tried not to smirk. Once again, his honeyed tongue had gotten him out of harm’s way. He tried not to think about the gnawing pit that grew in his stomach when he thought of Light being harmed by Higuchi. 

Light coughed awkwardly. “Oh.” He whispered, and L could hear how strained his voice was. 

L rubbed his arm soothingly and once again slide back to his own work station. “It’ll all work out, I promise.”

Light just nodded weakly. He still looked quite flustered. 

And L wrenched his gaze away from the brunette, not wanting to be caught staring. He couldn’t take that besotted look any longer. 

L started typing mindlessly on his computer, just to look like he was working. Strange new emotions had been bubbling up within him these last two weeks. Whenever he thought of Light, was would find that a small smile would creep upon his fcae. He was growing used to the brunette always being by his side. He loved talking with Light. He loved kissing him, and having the boy snuggle next to him while he slept. He had realized that his affections for Light were growing. And this was not good. Because, soon, L and Light would be parting ways. 

*Stupid.* L thought to himself. *He is a serial killer, I know this. So why should I like him?*

L tried to rationalize his actions. It was just because Light was a pretty face, is all. And Light was not unpleasant company. He provided L with rousing debates about a mired of topics that no one else would be able to talk with him about. And, as much as he hated to admit it, Light was fun. They even had a few inside jokes that they would share while the rest of the Task Force remained oblivious. 

L grimaced, he hadn’t of expected for this to happen. All of the criminals he had seduced in the past had meant nothing to him. L used sex to get what he wanted, and to make others comply with his demands. But, no one else could compare to Light. Light was different. 

L mused what could have been if he and Light had met normally. If Light hadn’t of been Kira. Maybe, they would’ve meet in some rainy coffee shop. Light’s attractive features would’ve pulled L in immediately. Maybe, they would’ve shared a conversation and L would’ve realized how similar he and Light were. They could’ve courted and maybe had a shot at a real relationship. Maybe, L could’ve looked into those soft brown eyes and not second-guessed every emotion that ran through them. 

Or, maybe, they could’ve met on a case. Light would’ve been a fantastic detective, after all. He was almost on par with L himself. They could’ve been the most powerful duo in the world, no criminals would be able to escape their clutches.

L sighed. *If only Light was pure.* He mused, bitterly. He wished that they could be on the same team. 

Because, he didn’t hate Light. He hated Kira. Kira was his enemy, and he cared somewhat for Light. But, those entities shared the same body. And, no matter how much L liked Light when he was docile and kind, he could not allow the brunette to escape from justice. Kira had to pay for his crimes with the ultimate price, death. It would be the only fitting punishment, after all. And, despite what L told Light, he would be able to cope with Light’s passing. Sure, it would hurt worse than any of the other criminals he had sent to be executed, but he would bear it. He had to. 

Because L Lawliet did not let emotions dictate his life. Emotions were messy, sticky feelings that just begot more complications. Maybe the average human could allow themselves to be swayed by their own heart. But not L.

Because then B would’ve escaped. If L hadn’t pushed all of his feelings down when it came to the red-eyed murderer, B would’ve been pardoned from all of his crimes. B would’ve continued to terrorize L and innocent civilians. And Light would just do the same, if given L’s mercy. 

L berated himself for his fantasies. *Hope breeds eternal misery.* He thinks, grimly. No, the fact of the matter was that he shouldn’t allow himself to be swept up in this star-crossed lovers fantasy. This was real life, and the right decisions were often the hardest. It wasn’t the real Light Yagami he had fallen for, anyway. It was simply a mask. L was sure of that. 

But he bit his lip, dread filling him as he thought about the upcoming events. He snuck a look at Light. The brunette was peacefully drinking from a water bottle, working on some of his course work from what L could see. He felt as if he must be the most sinful man alive, doing what he was about to do. He couldn’t help it, human emotions were still attached to his being whether he liked it or not.

The unsuspecting younger was going to traipse straight into his trap. And L, for once, didn’t exactly want him to. He didn’t want to have to drug Light. Because the implications surrounding the whole situation were morally grey, at best. A very dark grey. But Light had left him with no choice.

So, no matter how filthy it made L feel to think about crushing up those little pills, he would do it. He would proceed with his plan the same way he proceeded with all of his plans. With stoicism and with one goal in mind. L was not going to let himself be deterred by doe eyes, oh no. He was going to win this game. He had sacrificed too much, he had invested too much. He had challenged Kira, publicly. And that meant he was going to win, publicly. Interpol was counting on him, after all. And L always solved cases, no matter what. He would not allow this one to end any differently. 

And, he had to defeat Light. Light had to be Kira. L couldn’t bear the thought of Light being framed, he just couldn’t. It was too late for that now. He had gone too far.

The thought of Light’s innocence was one that he deliberately did not dwell on. He knew what the rest of the Task Force thought. But he would not be fooled as they were. Despite the thought sometimes eating him alive as he lie awake at night, he would not be swayed from his original deductions. 

*L is never wrong.* The detective reminded himself. *The last time I misjudged someone’s character so grossly, was with B. And I will never make that mistake again.* No, L did not have the power that he had because he made mistakes. L was a title, it was a symbol. L was almighty justice, L judged criminals righteously. He did not ‘accidentally’ send blameless individuals to their death. Every suspect he had found, had been guilty. And Light was not about to change that.

L would never allow himself to believe that he had used Light for unjust reasons. He wouldn’t allow himself to believe he had preyed upon an innocent boy. Because if Light truly was the perfect, sweet, caring boy that everyone else saw…well…

It would make L a ghastly monster. And L didn’t think he would be able to survive knowing that fact. 

L grimly started chewing on his thumb, biting so hard that he began to draw blood. *I’ll get all of my answers tonight.* He tells himself.

Because, whatever the outcome of this case, L was going to hate betraying Light. And he knew that he would, in one way or another. 

Everything seemed to move at a snail’s pace.

Light felt as if he were walking underwater. All of his movements seemed languid and slow, as if his limbs were weighed down. 

“L?” He muttered, slumping on the door of their bedroom. Everything felt like a dream. Was he having another nightmare?

“-again?” He heard a deep voice, one that sounded very far away.

“Hm?”

“Say that…again?” The voice rang clearer in his head this time, and he noted the urgency in which it was said. He pried one eye open. Wait, he had he closed his eyes?

“A..wake?” He stuttered out. He was much too foggy to form complete sentences at the moment. How late was it?

“…You’re awake.” 

Light nodded, not even sure why he was nodding. He just needed to feel his head move.

He felt a hand on the small of his back, and knew he was being led forward. He let the hand do whatever it wanted. He wasn’t in a position to fight back, after all. 

*Why am I so tired?* He wondered hazily. *What happened?*

“Light?” He heard his name and nodded, just to show that he had heard. “There’s someone in our room who wants to talk to you?”

“Who?” He mumbled. 

“She’s a doctor, who wants to ask you a few questions."

“I…m sick?”

Light could see a head next to him nodding, and Light felt utterly bewildered. When had he gotten sick? And what was he sick with?

But before he could ask any of these questions, the door opened and he was more or less dragged inside. 

“Can I lay down?” He whispered.

“….You can lay against the headboard.” The voice, which Light assumed was the hand’s owner, told him firmly. Light sighed loudly, louder than he had intended. It sounded like a rushing river. Why couldn’t he seem to control anything about himself?

As he was led over to the bed and positioned against the headboard, he felt his eyes roll up into his head. Shaking himself, he cracked his lids open halfway to find a stranger sitting across from him. Hm, strange. He had never seen this woman before. 

The woman had long black hair and wire-rimmed glasses. Her bangs were swept to the side and she had wise black eyes. She was smiling at him kindly. Light felt as if he were in some kind of nut house. Why was this woman regarding him with such a comforting smile? She looked at him as if he were a wounded puppy. 

“Hello Light, do you know who I am?” The woman asked kindly. Light managed to weakly shake his head.

“Doctor…right?”

“Yes, Light.” The voice told him. Light turned his head to find that the voice belonged to L. He was standing next to him beside the bed. Light now noticed that L’s hand was rubbing soothing circles onto his shoulder. That felt nice. He leaned into the touch. “She’s just going to ask you some questions.”

“That’s right.” The woman nodded, looking at L. “You may call me Dr. Hashimoto."

“O….kay.” Light sounded out the words slowly, as if speaking for the first time. The corners of his vision seemed fuzzy. He blinked to clear his vision, but the fuzziness remained.

“And remember,” L shook his shoulder slightly. “be honest with her. You can do that for me, yes?”

Light nodded his head. He was always honest, wasn’t he? At least, he tried to be for L.

“So, Light,” The woman started in a soft voice. Light tried to keep his heavy eyelids from closing. “how are you feeling tonight?”

“Hm.” He made an indiscernible noise. He didn’t know exactly how he was feeling. “Tired.”

“Okay.” She nodded. “Will you be able to stay awake for us?”

Light nodded with tired determination. He wasn’t about to let himself fall asleep in the presence of strangers. That wasn’t polite. 

“Do you know why you’re here?” She asked. Light frowned. 

“L’s here.” He murmured, as if that should be reason enough. But, this woman probably didn’t know of the situation. Should he tell her? L had said to be honest, after all. “Kira.” He added, as an afterthought. She wrote something down. 

“For the Kira case, right?” He nodded again. His head was growing tired form all of the movement, so he rested it against the wood headboard. It wasn’t at all comfortable. “Are you here working with Ryuzaki, or are you involved somehow.”

Light was confused, which the woman picked up on. “Why does Ryuzaki have you here?” She asked, gently.

“He thinks I’m Kira.” Light spoke without thinking. The words made their way through his mouth without consent. He was much too exhausted to make up any kind of cover story. 

“And why is that?” 

Light frowned. “I was framed.”

“Why do you say that?” The woman asked with interest. Light shifted, trying to think of all of the reasons he knew that he was being framed. He had good reasons, and proof after all. But his mind came up blank.

“‘Cause I’m innocent.”

“Hm, are you sure about that?” She prodded again, making a pit grow inside of Light’s stomach. Of course he was sure that he was not a murderer. 

“Yea.” He managed, weakly. 

“Can you tell me why you believe you are innocent?” The woman asked. Light swallowed.

“I-I didn’t kill…anyone.” He uttered.

“Okay.” She nodded, and wrote something else down. “Light, I’d like to tell you something. Is that alright?”

“Mhmm.”

“Okay. What I think is that you have undergone a traumatic experience. Maybe several. What do you think about that, is that an accurate assumption?”

Light nodded. Yes, he had endured a variety of traumatic experiences. Is that why he was feeling so sick? The questions this doctor was asking him did not make any sense. 

“And would you say that being involved with death, more specifically causing a death, would be very traumatic?”

Light frowned, that answer seemed obvious. But he still answered yes, to seem attentive. 

“I think that you may have some repressed memories.” She told him with certainty, again writing something down. “Our brains are complex organs. And, sometimes, we endure things that our minds either cannot properly process or cannot handle. We may grow depressed or agitated because of these memories. So, to protect us, the brain will hide these memories away until we are ready to deal with them.”

Light just stared at her, blankly, trying to register the words. He heard them, but did not fully understand what they meant.

“Denial of these memories is a very common reaction.” She continued. “Because, in your mind, these memories never really happened. You’ve forgotten that they exist. So things that you’ve said or done never happened, because you cannot remember them. Dissociation is another common symptom. Our minds may block the mental picture from appearing because it is too stressful to remember.”

“Dr. Hashimoto, if that is the case, how may we get these memories to resurface?” L questioned from beside him. This made the doctor pull out a file.

“There is no definite answer.” She told him. “It may take years, or several therapy sessions to remember these memories. Fortunately, there are some things we can do to trigger the subconscious.”

She reached into the file, and pulled out a picture. “Do you remember this face, Light?”

Light gingerly took the photo from her outstretched hand. He held it up to his face, studying the man. He had dark brown hair that was cut into a bowl cut. He had prominent wrinkles, and a frown that seemed to cover most of his face. He stared into the camera with dead eyes, devoid of any emotion. The picture made Light involuntarily shudder. He shook his head, letting the paper fall from his hands. 

“This is Kurou Otoharada.” The woman informed him. She pulled the picture away and tucked it back into her file. “Does that name ring any bells?”

“No.” He murmured. It sounded like a basic Japanese name, it had no significance to him. But, the picture had seemed like a mugshot. Therefore, he could deduce… “Is he a criminal?”

“He was.” She nodded. “It is believed that Mr. Otoharada was Kira’s first victim.”

Light hung his head. “Sorry, should’ve remembered.” He muttered.

“Why?” The woman pressed. “Why should you have remembered him?”

“The Kira case.” He responded. “I work on it. I should’ve remembered the first victim, that’s probably….important.”

“It is.” She told him. “He was killed in Shinjuku. Do you know anyone in Shinjuku?”

Light once again shook his head. He lived in the Kanto region, and the Task Force Headquarters were located somewhere in Tokyo. He knew that much. He would have no reason to fraternize with anyone in Shinjuku. But, right now, he couldn’t even remember if he had ever even visited the city. All of his memories seemed fleeting.

“Light?” She spoke again, making him slowly raise his head. “Ryuzaki told me that you believe that you have seen shinigami…gods of death. Can you tell me about them?”

Light felt as if his throat had just closed up. Newfound adrenaline pumped through his veins, making him clutch the bedsheets. “They’re demons.” He whispered. “One of them…wants to hurt me.”

“Why do you think that?” She asked. Light felt his bottom lip quiver. 

“I saw a white shinigami.” He whispered. “It told me I was in danger.”

“From what?”

“The shinigami I’ve been seeing in my dreams.” He shut his eyes tightly, trying to forget the memory. But, It came to him anyways. “It…told me I was Kira. And it tried to drag me down to hell. And….it showed me a Death Note.”

“Death Note?” The doctor questioned. “Could you tell me what that is?”

“It’s Kira’s killing power.” He explained, hazily reconnecting scattered memories. “If you write a person’s name in this notebook, they die. That’s what the white shinigami told me.”

“So you believe that these…gods of death, you believe that they are working with Kira?” She asked slowly. Light blinked.

“I know it."

“Alright.” She nodded. “And these shinigami, do they only appear in dreams?”

“No, I’ve seen them in real life too.” His tongue felt fuzzy. “Can I have a glass of water?”

“In a minute.” L snapped, rather harshly. Light shrunk back into the pillows. *What’s his problem?*

“And has any one else seen these shinigami?” The therapist asked.

Light furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m…not crazy.” He quietly asserted. He would die on this hill if he had to. Why did no one believe him? He wasn’t a liar! Well…not about the important stuff, anyway. 

“Now, Light, I never said you were crazy.” The therapist calmly assured him. She pushed her glasses further up her nose. “There is no judgement here. I just want a yes or no answer, can you do that?”

“….Yes.” He finally answered softly. He sucked in a deep breath.

“These shinigami, do they frighten you?”

Light scrunched his eyes up, and gave her a ‘well duh’ look. “They’re demons….” He responded. “I don’t like seeing demons.”

“When was the first time you saw one of these demons?”

“I don’t know….” He said, looking to L for guidance. How long had he been in this room? Time seemed naught but an illusion. “It was a dream…”

“About a month ago.” L responded for him. “Right?”

“Yea.” He limply nodded again, bringing a weak hand to rub at his eyes. “I’m tired.”

“Okay, you can get some rest in a few moments.” The doctor smiled kindly. “I just have a few more questions.”

Light resisted the urge to groan. These questions seemed pointless to him, and he still felt quite disoriented. 

“Are these shinigami dangerous? Have they asked you to harm anyone?”

But Light stared straight ahead, his lips clamped shut.

The doctor tried again. “Are these shinigami the reason you decided to become Kira?”

But Light still didn’t answer. He couldn’t, he was frozen. Ice filled his veins and his heart fell silent. He couldn’t even feel it’s thumping. L and the doctor had disappeared from his mind. Instead, his eyes focused on the beast that had just appeared at the end of the bed.

The shinigami, the evil one from his dream, had returned. It’s ruby red eyes cut into him, and they were filled with a perverse delight. It’s body stood horribly slouched, almost like L’s. Chains hung off it’s boney body as the creature moved to sit on the bed.

Light wanted to scream but the words died in his mouth. He wanted to run and hide, but how far could he get with the chain attached to his wrist? And his body felt paralyzed, anyway. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. He could just stare in horror as fear ate at him hungrily. 

“Hi Light-o, ya remember me?” The demon finally asked, making Light flinch. The shinigami was strangely cheerful, despite it’s voice sounding deep and gravelly. It’s painted blue lips stretched into a wicked smile.

Light nodded. L and the doctor were here, surely the demon couldn’t hurt him in the presence of others. Right?

*What am I saying? It can do anything it wants, it’s a monster after all.* Light reminded himself fearfully. He gulped loudly, his mouth still felt like sandpaper.

But, wait a second. L and the doctor were staring at him quizzically. Why weren’t they running? Why weren’t they panicked? Had they not noticed the demon? That…that was impossible! It was large, and loud, and terrifying. It didn’t look human in the slightest. How had L not screamed in fear? He had done so before, especially after just hearing the word ‘shinigami.’

Light raised his hand to weakly gesture towards the shinigami. The pair looked confused, and turned to look to where he was pointing.

“What is it?” The doctor asked, sounding quite concerned. Light frowned.

The demon, noticing his bewilderment, chuckled wildly. Light cringed, the sound was grating his frayed nerves. “They can’t see me.” The demon explained. “Only people who have touched the Death Note can, which is you.”

“Me?” Light questioned. “Why me?”

“I gave you one, of course.” The demon continued laughing, finding great amusement from Light’s distress. “Dontcha remember?”

Light shook his head passionately. “No!”

The loud exclamation seemed to shock the doctor. “What’s wrong? ‘No’ what?”

“Well, I offered you one.” The demon corrected himself. “You didn’t want it.”

“No, I don’t want it.” Light agreed. “What are you doing here? I’m not Kira.”

“I told you, Light.” L sounded agitated. He did not realize that Light was not talking to him, rather, he was conversing with an unseen force. “She’s a doctor, and she’s here to help you.”

“You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?” The demon asked. Light nodded, that should be obvious. The creature grinned, his white fangs glinting off of the lowlight. “Aw, come on. I’m not THAT bad. Or, maybe I should be flattered that you think of me as fearsome. Hyuk Hyuk.”

“You dragged me down to hell.” Light stated, bluntly. “Were you controlling my dreams?”

The demon rolled his red eyes, which Light now noticed were yellow as well. Red and yellow. “I might’ve been.” The shinigami actually looked somewhat guilty. “Oops. I was just trying to get you acquainted to the idea of being Kira, is all.”

Light blinked, glaring at the shinigami. “I don’t understand.” He told it, bluntly. 

“Light?” He heard L’s voice question him again. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one.” Light answered, still staring at the shinigami. He wanted answers, dammit. Before he fell asleep. Or woke up. He still wasn’t sure if this was a dream or not. And L wouldn’t believe him if he told him there was a shinigami in the room, anyway. 

“You’re interesting, Light Yagami.” The demon told him. “I’ve been bored for so long, you know. Where I come from-“

“How did you know my name?” Light questioned. 

“I can see it above your head.” The creature answered candidly. “My eyes, the shinigami eyes, can see every human’s name and lifespan. It’s so we can always kill them, no matter what.”

Light felt a chill run up his spine, but tried to ignore it. He was getting answers, after all. The demon seemed rather open to conversing with him. And it didn’t seem to want to eat him. Yet.

“Anyway, back to what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-“ The shinigami sent a pointed glare at Light, but Light tried to ignore it. The fear was slowly ebbing away and was being replaced with morbid curiosity. As long as the demon made no frightening or sudden moves, Light was content to sit here and question him. It wasn’t like he could escape, anyway. “Where I come from, it’s a dark and dreary place. It’s so…dull. It’s a dead world, filled with decaying saps like myself.”

“There are others?” Light questioned. He already knew that, since he met the white shinigami. He just wanted his suspicions confirmed, and wanted a more accurate idea of how many other demons existed. 

“Who is he talking to?” He heard L quietly demand beside him. 

“I think he’s dissociating, or having a hallucination.” The doctor answered, making Light’s blood boil. He knew he wasn’t mad. And he hated people treating him as if he was some broken freakshow that they could muse about as if he wasn’t even in the room. But, there wasn’t much he could do about it. It wasn’t like he could go anywhere private with the demon. And he wanted answers, more than he wanted to keep up appearances. 

“Tons.” The shinigami made a deep groaning noise. “They’re all so BORING. All they do is gamble and watch humans on earth. And they always pick such boring humans to observe. Until I saw you that is.”

“Me?” Light wondered. 

“You’re the brightest student in Japan.” The demon told him, and Light already knew this. “And you had such strong views about justice. I watched you that day, you know, when you started that whole debate in your classroom. It was a riot!”

Light internally face-palmed. He faintly remembered what the shinigami was referring to. In world history class, they had had a debate about whether the death penalty was righteous. Light had been in favor of the death penalty. He believed that if criminals had been proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, and if their crimes were heinous enough, they should be given death. His father had taught him that, after all. And the world deserved to have some of the scum plucked off of it. 

But Light had never said HE wanted to be the one doing the plucking. 

“I thought, this boy wold do wonders if given the Death Note.” The demon continued, smiling sinisterly. “You seemed…cunning, and smart. A few Death Notes have made their way into the human world in the past, but all of the owners have either used it for their own personal vendetta or been too scared to use it at all. But, I knew I could have some real fun if I gave it to you. Call it intuition I guess. Heh.”

“I don’t want it.” Light repeated. The demon sighed. 

“Why not?” And to Light’s horror, the thing actually WHINED. What kind of supernatural being was this?

“Are you going to kill me?” Light asked, instead of answering the creature’s inquiry. He was sure that this thing wasn’t, since it had wanted to use him and all. And, right now at least, it didn’t seem as fearful as it had in his dreams. But Light wasn’t going to take any chances. He wanted a confirmation, and hoped that the demon wouldn’t lie to him. Would he even be able to tell if a shinigami was being dishonest?

“Nah, I wouldn’t do that.” The shinigami reassured. Light felt relief flood his bones. While he was still concerned about the validity of this statement, he was much too frazzled to worry about it now. “The first human to use the Death Note is the one I have to kill, anyway. And that wasn’t you.”

Light felt even more relief course through him. But, that relief was soon replaced by anxiety. Who was to be killed by this demon then? It had to be Kira?

“Who’s Kira?” Light questioned. 

“He’s getting his memories back.” The doctor whispered to L.

“I can’t tell you that.” The demon grinned. “No, then the fun would end. Because you’re working with that man over there, right? I know he wants to catch Kira.”

“I want to catch Kira too.” Light told the shinigami. “Do you have any idea what this has done to me? I could be killed!”

“Hey,” The demon held his clawed hands up. “don’t kill the messenger. It was Kira’s idea to frame you, after all.”

“Why?” He quietly demanded. “Why would someone purposely frame me?”

“He wanted you to get close to L.” The shinigami told him, it’s eyes seemed to stare straight into his soul. “So that when I offered the Death Note to you, you’d be close enough to kill him.”

Light felt nausea roll into his stomach, and he clutched the bedsheets tighter. “I’m not going to do that.” He whispered. “I won’t kill him.”

He then felt someone harshly shaking his shoulder. “Kill who?” L demanded, sounding quite fearful for once. Light didn’t answer, he just stared numbly at the shinigami. It laughed, and Light felt sick. 

“Light? Are you talking to a shinigami?” The doctor demanded. “What do you see? Is it telling you to hurt someone?”

“No.” He told the therapist, still keeping his sharp eyes trained on the demon.

“You have to stop.” He told the demon shakily. It looked amused, and cocked it’s head. Light continued. “Okay? I know I can’t say anything to stop you but…this is gotten way out of control.”

“But you have the power to stop this.” The demon informed him. “All you have to do is take my Death Note, and kill L. You’d have to figure out his name though….I mean, I could tell ya, but that’s kinda against the rules….” The shinigami sighed. “You could make a deal for the eyes. Then, you could see his name.”

“If I make the deal.” Light began. “Will you leave me alone?”

“That hurts my feelings, Light-o” The demon pretended to pout, but that amused look still remained inside of his red eyes. “I wanna be friends.”

“Please.” Light scoffed. “This isn’t high school. I need answers, or I’ll be suspected of being Kira forever. He…” He lowered his voice to a whisper, but knew L would still hear him anyways. “he could have me executed. I don’t know if he’d actually go that far, but-“

“Then YOU just kill him first!” The demon demanded. Light sighed. 

“Who’s going to kill you?” The woman prodded, momentarily grabbing Light’s attention. He looked at her warily. “Who are you talking to?”

“Elves.” Light deadpanned, sarcastically. He heard the shinigami laugh yet AGAIN. The sound was really starting to annoy him. It rattled his brain. 

“Yea…that’s right.” He mumbled, slightly swaying. He felt as if he were on the edge of a cliff. “Laugh at crazy. Light’s soooo dumb isn’t he?”

“No one’s laughing at you Light.” The therapist assured him. “And no one thinks you’re dumb, we’re simply concerned.”

“Right.” He glared, coldly. He then turned his attention back to his new supernatural ‘friend.’ “If you aren’t going to tell me who Kira is, can you leave? I feel sick….”

“Eesh, you look it.” The demon commented. “What happened to you?”

“It’s this dumb case.” He mumbled sourly. “Maybe I really am going crazy. That’s just…great.”

“Why do you think you’re crazy?” The doctor asked another useless question, making Light slump down onto the bed.

“No, hey Light-“ L attempted to grab him, but Light remained boneless. “wake up!” The detective demanded. Light sighed.

“….Sleepy.” He murmured. He opened his eyes and saw both L and the demon hovering over him. He smiled, not knowing why.

“You have wings.” He murmured, softly giggling. The demon smiled back, flapping wildly. The sound made his ears ring but Light continued to laugh, he couldn’t help it.

“Light? Are you okay?” L demanded, shaking him. He brushed some sweaty fringe away from his eyes. “I don’t have wings…are you seeing things?”

“…much did you give him?” Light could faintly hear the woman’s voice asking something, but he paid her no mind. 

“Do you have any apples?”

“…apples?” Light parroted, frowning. Why would this creature be interested in fruit? “No…”

“Shame.” It tsked. “I love apples.”

“Hm, if I give you one, will you promise to tell me who Kira is?” Light sleepily muttered, not expecting a real answer.

“Oh, yes I would.” The demon nodded, making Light frantically shoot up into a sitting position. L jumped back, startled. The therapist looked slightly scared.

“Are you serious?” Light loudly demanded. All of his haziness had been replaced by determination. He could feel blood rushing through his veins, and his heart hammered loudly inside of his chest. A giddiness rose up inside of him as the demon nodded. He had to get apples! This was it, this was the break in the case! He would be cleared, and he could go home! L would finally love him for who he was, and all of his doubts about Light would fall away. Light nearly cried with happiness. Colors somehow seemed brighter.

“L, get me apples.” He demanded, sticking his hand out expectantly. “Then we’ll know who Kira is!”

“Light….” L trailed off, looking at him with wide eyes. “It’s okay, just calm down.”

“No!” He tried to shout but it came out as a weak grunt. “L, please! I need to clear my name! I’m not Kira and I can prove it!”

“Apples are not the way to do that, Light-kun.” L told him patiently, making Light frown deeply. He sounded so condescending, so sure of himself, it made Light sick. How could no one believe him…..

He felt like screaming. “Let me go.” He murmured. He attempted to get off of the bed, but he knees gave out. He fell into a heap on the floor, and laid lifelessly on his back. His body felt as if it was not his own. He seemed to be shaking, and he didn’t know why. His limbs felt plastic and fake. “I…need apples!”

“Light, stop!” L shouted, coming to sit on him and restraint his arms above his head. This made Light panic, because he was trapped! He writhed and struggled in vain, for L would not budge. 

“Fuck you.” He snarled, trying to kick L off of him. But L kept a firm grasp on his arms, and sat heavily upon him. 

“Gee whiz, Light-o.” The demon muttered next to his ear, making Light tense up. “Remind me of why you don’t want to kill him again?”

“I’m…not a murderer.” Light growled, feeling his body go limp. He couldn’t help it, he felt as if his brain had turned into mush. Everything seemed so impossible, and so far away.

“Mm.” The demon gave an amused snort. “You’re so stubborn, I like it. Humans are so…interesting.”

Light opened his eyes and turned his head to the side, ready to tell the shinigami off. But he was met with thin air. He looked wildly around the room, but the thing had vanished in the night. It had left Light, alone. In the clutches of L. Who looked at him as if he were a poisonous snake ready to strike. Light felt like hitting something, he felt like screaming until his voice gave out. He wanted to smash a mirror, just to hear the sound of something breaking.

But, he settled for the feeling of letting wet tears run down his face. “You asshole.” Light muttered, listlessly. “You let it go! I…it was…I was gonna know who Kira was.”

L loosened his grip on his arms. “Light, you’re scaring me.” He whispered. But Light didn’t respond, he continued to stare blankly ahead. He studied the bare ceiling, that was blurred because of his tears. His head pounded and his heart ached. His one chance at answers had been snatched away. All because L was too damn stubborn and refused to listen to him. He wasn’t Kira! But, how was he to get anyone to believe him. And, most importantly, how was he to get L to believe him?

He felt his eyes fluttering shut. It was all too much. He felt as if a gaping hole had just appeared inside of his chest. 

“The patient is in great distress, Ryuzaki.” The doctor murmured from above him, and Light wanted her to leave. He wanted everyone to leave. He wanted to be alone forever, just for now. He wanted to feel invincible, he wanted to know that no one could ever hurt him. “I would suggest getting him to rest. Remember to monitor his breathing during the night.”

Light saw L nod, disappointment coloring his features. He looked down at Light, and he recognized that despair also filled those deep charcoal eyes. He helped Light sit up, which Light complied with. He was a broken doll, a mere puppet whose strings had been snipped off. He allowed L to hold his pounding head next to his chest. He could hear L’s own erratic heartbeat. Nothing felt real.

He recognized that footsteps were now making their way across their room. “Dr. Hashimoto.” L suddenly spoke. “….What did you think?”

“It’s hard to tell, after only one session.” He heard the doctor’s voice again. “I think more insight would be gained if he were sober.”

Sober? Of course he was sober! Just because he was sick and tired and sad didn’t mean he was out of his mind!

“I doubt that.” He heard L scoff. Then the doctor sighed, loudly.

“I think he needs serious help.” She spoke softly, so soft that Light almost didn’t hear her. “The boy is obviously delusional, and is suffering from untreated trauma.”

Light could feel L’s head bob from above him. “I see.”

“...I don’t think he’s capable of being a killer.” The doctor spoke one last time, and then Light heard the door close shut. 

They sat in silence for what could have been hours. Light thought of nothing, only his quiet breathing.

“Alright, let’s get you to sleep.” L murmured, gently rubbing his head. His usually cold fingers felt warm, and Light leaned into the touch.

He allowed himself to be pulled up onto the bed, despite his aching muscles. His head fell onto the soft pillow and he nestled his head in deeper, trying to drown out his inner torment. He felt pure desperation, and forlornness. He felt the soft comforter being drawn up over him. He didn’t have the energy to utter a thanks. 

“Light, can you look at me?” L suddenly requested. Light pried his eyes open and found that his eyes were still leaking tears. 

“Why don’t you believe me?” He quietly asked. “What can I do? Is there anything I can do?”

L stayed silent, looking down at him with something akin to pity. Light felt his heart shrivel. 

“Why?” He sobbed out, brokenly. “Why, why, why, why…..” He felt his body shaking again, wracked with harsh sobs. 

` “Shhhhh…” L soothed. “It’ll…..” He trailed off, and sighed. 

“Please, I need you to tell me the truth.” Light recognized that L was now begging.

“About what?”

“You know.” L shook his head. “You know.”

“Why…would it matter?” Light murmured breathlessly. “You wouldn’t believe me.”

“Light…” L trailed off. 

Light heard a soft cry escape his lips. “Please, believe me.” He forced his eyes to meet L’s. They looked utterly miserable. “I….” He felt his eyes clamp shut again.

“I can’t.”

Light pretended he didn’t hear the words. 

He felt fingers ghost his damp cheek, and then they were wiping away his fallen sadness. “Would you like for me to sing to you?”

Light nodded his head, though he didn’t care about anything in this moment. He just wanted to wake up from what seemed to be an eternal nightmare. He was tired of feeling despondent. His stomach clenched. 

“Alright…” L muttered. He stroked Light’s head again, not making a sound. “I sang this to B, one of the last times I was with him.” He barely whispered, so much so that Light didn’t catch what was said. 

L’s soft, deep voice began to sing. It was in a language that Light did not speak. But he didn’t even want to listen to the words. He needed the soothing sound of L’s voice to lull him to sleep. Because, the thought that the truth was so close yet so far from his reach, it made his soul feel black. As if there was nothing he could do. And there wasn’t, really. Someone else was maneuvering his life. Someone else had the final say in whether Light lived or died. They had all of the power, and he had nothing but his word. Which wasn’t good enough, even to L. L allowed his mind to be tainted. He allowed himself to be deceived, to be willfully blinded. And Light couldn’t remove the blindfold. God, how he wished he could. How he wished he could show L the light. And then L would look at him, with trust in those wise eyes. And he would tell Light he believed him, with his whole heart. But he couldn’t. Because, Light was fighting an unseen battle. He was helpless, and nothing could save him from persecution.

As he felt his mind start to fade into blackness, those silver-tongued lyrics slide into his heart and made him feel at peace. The despair was replaced with a calmness. *And,* he thought disoriented, *this is how I wish it could always be. I wish the storms could calm, for once.*

Moi, je t'offrirai  
Des perles de pluie  
Venues de pays  
Où il ne pleut pas  
Je creuserai la terre  
Jusqu'après ma mort  
Pour couvrir ton corps  
D'or et de lumière  
Je ferai un domaine  
Où l'amour sera roi  
Où l'amour sera loi  
Où tu seras roi  
Ne me quitte pas  
Ne me quitte pas  
Ne me quitte pas  
Ne me quitte pas

Unconsciousness had never seemed like a sweeter mercy. 

L continued to sing softly, long after Light had fallen into sleep’s sweet embrace. Lost in his thoughts, he stared down at the brunette. His poor, sweet, cursed boy. He hummed, more to calm himself. 

Because, his thoughts clashed together like waves during a sea storm. Though it had been a long shot, L had still had a small glimmer of hope that Light would confess to everything. Then, his life would be so much simpler. Not easier, but at least he would know what to do. But, now….after seeing what he had just saw-

L felt guilt. Horrid, ugly, monstrous guilt had consumed him. It swarmed him, like flies on a dead carcass. The guilt was making nausea curl up into ball in his stomach. His hands were still twitching, shaking despite how tightly he had clasped them together. He was much too distressed to even think about biting on his thumb. Because while this practice usually soothed his nerves and helped him to think, L feared that if he attempted it he would simply bite off the finger. 

Light had seemingly had a complete mental break tonight. He had gone mad, talking to the space behind the therapist as if there was another person he was having a conversation with. But, there had been nothing there. Light had been talking to himself but was fully convinced that something else was there. And he had been so assured that the invisible person would tell him who Kira was. Light had seemed…different tonight.

He had been languid, of course. But that was no shock to L, for he knew what the effects would be of drugging Light. It had been disconcerting to see the brunette in such a vulnerable mindset, but everything had been fine. That was, until Dr. Hashimoto had brought up the shinigami he had been fantasizing about. Light had seemingly lost it. He had started wailing about how he wasn’t Kira and how he didn’t want to murder anyone. He had then demanded apples, before falling to the floor in a frantically squirming heap. L had been worried for moment that the boy was having a seizure.

But then, he had opened his eyes and looked at him. Or, more accurately, looked past him. His eyes were devoid of any light, of any emotion. They looked soulless and dead, as if someone had stolen him away. And the way that he had sobbed, he had sounded hopeless. And that moment, that moment had truly scared L. It had broken past his usual mask of indifference. Because, the way that Light had looked at him, it had been too familiar.

It had been exactly how B had looked at him, the last time L had seen him. 

Few things were able to disturb L. And he had seen many gruesome crime scenes, he had seen the worst of humanity while working on his cases. But this case in particular, L feared it would actually ruin him. Because after tonight, his doubts screamed at him louder than ever before.

Light hadn’t of had the strength to lie tonight, L knew that. Did he truly not remember committing heinous acts of murder? He knew Light Yagami was a skilled liar, but was he that convincing?

Because the way he had screamed, the way he had cried….he had sounded like a martyr. The way he pleaded for L to just believe him had sent chills down the detective’s spine. He had sounded so earnest, so desperate. And since L knew how to expertly read people, he truly believed that Light had been genuine.

*But, I’ve misjudged people before.* He thought, grimly. 

And the last time he had decided to trust someone, it had almost cost him his life. His very sanity. And he knew, no matter what, that he was going to have to leave this case soon. After they caught Higuchi, innocent or not, he would have to leave Light Yagami. He was much too invested. And if Light was innocent….if that was at all possible, he couldn’t continue to hurt him anymore. And if he regained his memories and killing power, L was as good as dead. He had to escape. 

Tonight had been a disaster. Because for the first time, he hadn’t of known if he was seeing Light or Beyond. Memories blurred together, creating a sense of dread within the detective. He had gotten so good at hiding the past. He had been able to convince himself for so long that everything that had happened between him and his former successor had been nothing but a bad dream. But, this case was certainly getting to him. He feared he too would have a mental break.

Because he knew all to well about repressed memories. It was how he had been able to survive B, after all. He didn’t know what would happen if he got sucked into that place again. 

But the memories were resurfacing. They would coming back to haunt him, to chill his very bones. 

-

“I’m gonna tell you a secret.” Words were whispered in the dark room. They were soft, and promising. They filled the young boy with curiosity. He looked over to his elder beside him, his red eyes shone in the dark. They were the only features that could be seen. The only reason that L knew B was still with him, besides his alluring voice that would break the silence every now and then.

“What is it?” L asked, breathlessly. Ever since B had come to the orphanage, he would always confide in L. He would tell him secrets that no one else knew, or would be able to understand. Sometimes it seemed as if he and the red-eyed boy shared the same mind. B always had the most interesting things to tell him, he always knew just what to say to keep L’s attention. 

“Do you know why my eyes are the way they are?” Beyond posed the question as if he was asking L, though he already knew the answer. “The color, I mean. Have you ever wondered about them?”

L nodded his head. Beyond’s eyes were just another layer that made the man so fascinating. He loved B’s eyes. They shone with wisdom, they made him look as if he had an old soul. L could get lost inside of those eyes. They always looked at him as if he was the only person who mattered. They reminded him of the sun setting on an apocalyptic sky. They reminded him of fresh, ripe strawberries. God, how he loved strawberries. 

“Your eyes are lovely.” He complemented, reaching a hand out to caress Beyond’s face. Even though he could not see the boy, he had memorized his every feature. He would know who Beyond was, even if he was struck blind. “I love them.”

His successor let out an amused chuckle. “But, they’re special too.”

L smirked, though he knew Beyond could not see him. “I know that.” He answered, playfully.

“No.” Beyond pressed on. “Really, they’re different. I know they are, because I’ve asked A about his eyes and the way he describes the world is…different.”

“Well, how do you see the world?” L prompted. Maybe B was going to suggest he needed glasses. L smiled at the thought, he though that B would look quite fetching in a pair of glasses. 

“I see….” The man besides him hesitated. “You promise you won’t tell? No one knows. Not Wammy, not Roger, not even A.”

L’s breath caught in his throat. B and A were best friends, sometimes L thought they were closer than he was with the raven-haired boy. And if A didn’t know…this must be a huge secret. L felt quite honored that B would trust him with something that must be particularly delicate. His heart filled with joy. “You have my word, no one will know of what was said in here.”

“I can see your name.” B answered in a hushed whisper. The words came out hastily, as if the man did not want the chance to take them back. “I can see everyone’s name.”

L was utterly befuddled. He heard the words, but they wouldn’t register inside of his mind. What was B trying to say? “What…does that mean?” L let out a shaky laugh, hoping that maybe Beyond was playing one of his famous practical jokes on him.

Beyond did not return the laugh. “I know it sounds weird, but it’s true. I can see names and…numbers. I can’t make sense of them, though. They just seem to be random dates.”

“You see…words…what? Like they’re written on someone’s face?” L pressed, desperate for answers. 

“No, the names are above a person’s head.” Beyond explained. “I know your name.”

And L almost laughed at this. No, there was no way Beyond was being serious. No one knew his name besides Mr. Wammy. Not even Roger knew what his true name was, everyone knew him as L. “Okay, so what’s my name then?” L played along, half wanting to see what Beyond was going to come up with and half wanting to test him. 

“L. Lawliet.” Beyond revealed, almost knocking the wind out of L. His heart hammered painfully inside of his chest and he jolted up. 

“Where did you hear that?” L demanded, lowly. Panic and disbelief coursed through his veins. No, there was no way he had just heard what he had heard. 

“I’m telling you, I didn’t hear it from anywhere.” B insisted. “I just see it, floating above your head.”

“B, seriously.” L demanded. He was so very confused, and starting to get a little scared. What was wrong with his successor? There could be no possible way that a mere human could see names, right? The logical side of L refused to believe what he was being told. But, there seemed to be no other explanation for how he knew L’s name. Had he overheard Wammy somehow? That must be it.

*It has to be it.* L assured himself. B was just playing a prank, that was all.

“I am being serious!” Beyond exclaimed, sounding dangerously close to yelling. “And I’m worried! The numbers above A’s head, they changed. And I don’t know what that means.”

“What do you mean? What did the numbers change to?” L prodded. 

“The twenty-fifth of April.” Beyond answered quietly. “And that’s in less than five months."


	8. The Original Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So....we've officially hit over 100k words on this fic. That's...insane ✍(◔◡◔) Thank you to everyone who has been reading and supporting and commenting! Every time I receive a comment I feel my heart grow ten sizes, all of you are too lovely:)
> 
> Okay, so today's chapter is...dark. Like, really dark. My sibling cried two times when I was reading it to them, and I think I might've hurt myself in the process. Several times I had to walk away from the computer screen to take a deep breath -_-
> 
> This is a B and L chapter. And, I KNOW this is a L and Light fic. Don't worry guys, Light will be back in the next chapter, the ship hasn't changed. I wrote this chapter to give more insight into L's past. B has been referenced several times so I thought I'd go into more detail about the role he played in L's life. This doesn't excuse L's actions by any means, as what he's doing to Light is awful. But, this explains why he is the way he is and how he became this way.
> 
> (TW: Major mental abuse. Manipulation, gaslighting, verbal assault. Dubcon and rape, though nothing too graphic. It's mainly describing how L feels during and after these encounters. Mentions of suicide, and graphic depictions of violence are also present. Mentions of self harm and bulimia. Also, bullying of minors. Is that a trigger warning?)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, and please leave your thoughts in the comments!

It was a very dreary day out when the boy arrived. The sky was grey and pale. His surroundings radiated bleakness. The air was cold and whipped at his hair, painfully. Light mist sprinkled down on him, matting his soft black hair to his skull. The clouds moved swiftly through the darkening horizon, as if they were trying to escape from this place. This desolate, barren land. This strange and foreign land. This land where anything could possibly happen.

He kept his gaze trained to the drawing in front of him, his usual mask of indifference plastered upon his face. He had been so bored lately. Nothing interesting happened in this godforsaken orphanage. It was just windless busy work that teacher’s assigned him to look like they were doing their jobs to help teach him about the world. But, no matter how complicated the coursework was, L always completed it in record time. With barely any sweat collecting at his hairline. 

L knew he was a genius, not to float his own boat. But he was. He had started solving cases at the mere age of eight, after all. His IQ was thought to be higher than two hundred, and he had solved any query given to him ever. He had even started investing in stocks when he was a child! Everyone at the orphanage knew of L’s intelligence, especially Watari. That is why he had allowed L to first take on cases. 

But his last few cases had been rather morbid. L was used to this by now. He had already seen to much in his short life to be considered innocent in any sense of the word. But Wammy had feared for L because of his age. So, at least for the time being, his handler had forbade him from solving any more cases. He had claimed that L needed to enjoy his youth, and concentrate on completing simple activities like his peers.

Of course, L was not planning on staying in school for long. He found the orphanage to be incredibly dull. None of his peers interested him in the slightest. While Wammy’s house was a school for gifted kids, most of them could not even dream to compete with L’s intelligence. He could never have a real conversation with anyone. They were either impressed by his resume, or wanted him to solve meaningless troubles such as who took another’s fruit snacks.

L had never really cared for people. Wammy was the only person he was close to. And that was because the man had saved him from the streets. He had saved him from a life of poverty, a life of despair. The older man had always treated him with kindness, even when he was nothing more than a rag-tag imp stealing scraps from the trash. Mr. Wammy also did not talk down to him, or treat him like a baby. He gave L the respect he deserved. Mr. Wammy was the closest thing to a father that he had ever had. He owed him his life.

The others simply didn’t mean anything to him. They were just meaningless faces, swallowed by obscurity. He had never craved companionship, either. L knew what his mission in life was. It was to solve cases, and to bring justice to the world. The world was a dreadful place, filled with horrible individuals who took advantage of those weaker than them. It brought comfort to L knowing that these vile individuals could not hide in the shadows from him. He wanted to make the world safer.

But, for now, that was only a dream. He hoped that if he at least pretended to like school and got along with the other children that Wammy would maybe consider letting him get back to solving some tame cases. Because, at this point, L was so desperate for entertainment that he would solve a simple robbery case. Like, who took that sweet old lady’s purse? He would be able to solve that in under ten minutes. 

Right now, however, he mission was to greet the new ward that Mr. Wammy was bringing to the orphanage. His handler had explained to him that this boy had survived a car crash. His parents, who were in the car with him when it happened, did not. Mr. Wammy thought that this boy would be frightened, and would want a companion to show him around the house. L knew that he was the old man’s favorite child, though Mr. Wammy had never confirmed this. But he knew that this was the only reason he had asked him to take this new child under his wing. He wanted L to guide him, to be a shining example of what Wammy’s house had to offer.

And L had agreed to this. He agreed with everything Mr. Wammy asked him to do nowadays. He had to seem complacent, for surely good behavior would lead him to rewards. Right? And right now, the only reward he wanted was to be able to act as a detective again. 

L was disinterestedly sketching an old car at the moment. He was currently waiting for the black limousine that Mr. Wammy drove to arrive. The scratching sound that his pencil made on the paper soothed his nerves. He needed something to do, to keep his hands occupied. It was often told to him that idle hands were the devil’s workshop. Normally, he would be content to simple nibble at his thumb. But, his teachers had been trying to break him of that nasty habit. 

A soft rumbling of thunder sounded in the distance, and L sighed. He wanted some nice weather, for once. He pulled the white sweater closer to his body. Mr. Wammy had all but begged him to wear at least some covering while he waited. L supposed he could go inside, but it would just be too noisy. Most of the orphans were rowdy. When they weren’t studying, they played mindless games to pass the time. L had tried to involve himself in some of them, but always walked away filled with annoyance. Or, one time, a child called F had accidentally smacked him in the face with a ball. That was when L had decided that making friends was just something he was not interested in. 

The distinct rumblings that came not from thunder, but from a car suddenly entered his senses. Looking up drolly, he saw that Mr. Wammy’s car was pulling into the driveway. The mist turned into small droplets and L rubbed his eyes to clear them. Mr. Wammy got out of the drivers seat and gave a small smile to L, which he returned. He then went to the back seat and opened the door.

“L? Come here, my boy. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.” Mr. Wammy called out to L, his voice full of faux cheeriness. 

L complied and set his sketchbook down in a place where it would be sheltered from the rain. Grabbing an umbrella that was next to him he opened it to protect his wild raven locks. He kept his eyes trained to the ground, the pavement was darkened by rain. His worn sneakers accidentally stepped into a shallow puddle and he grimaced, while Mr. Wammy could insist that he wear shoes that didn’t mean that he would ever be forced to wear socks. Even shoes were an uncomfortable sensation. 

He sighed. *Who came up with the rule that you have to look presentable when greeting company?* He thought it was rather dishonest. When people met him they should have no false pretenses of what kind of person he was. He didn’t understand the need that most people felt to impress others. L was quite content to be himself, no matter the situation. 

As he got closer he looked up at Mr. Wammy. The man nodded to him and looked down. L followed his gaze to find what he was looked at.

And when he did, his heart almost stopped.

The boy had stepped out of the car. And L was dumbfounded by how similar the boy looked to him. He had fair skin, which was a shade or two darker than what L’s was. But he still looked very pale, and malnourished. He was slanted over, his hands stuffed in the pockets of old, black jeans. They had rips in the knees, which L wondered if they were there on purpose or simply because the clothes were old and tattered. He had on a dark grey hoodie, which seemed to swallow his small form. He had wild dark brown locks, which appeared black to the untrained eye. His features were sharp and prominent, almost gothic.

But, his eyes. His eyes were what drew L in. They were the most peculiar eyes he had ever seen. Most people had brown, blue, sometimes even green eyes. His own eyes were an odd color, he knew. They appeared almost black, but were really a dark charcoal. But these boys orbs, they were bright red. The looked like melted fire, and they burned with the same intensity. And besides the color, their was such a wide range of emotions floating through them that L felt dizzy gazing into them. The most prominent emotion, however, was amusement. This boy looked as if he had just stepped into the most interesting game, and he looked as if he knew everyone’s secrets.

The red eyes locked onto his own, and it nearly made L stop dead in his tracks. The red eyes widened, and seemed to study him. They studied him with knowingly, as if this boy could read him from the inside out. L quickly dropped his gaze, not wanting to seem like he was staring. His eyes drifted towards the boys lips, which were stretched into a playful smirk. He didn’t appear fearful in the slightest.

“L, this is the newest edition to Wammy’s house.” Mr. Wammy told him. L nodded, he already knew this. “You may call him B.”

“Beyond Birthday.” The boy interjected, and L looked up in shock. No one around here was supposed to give out their true identities, hadn’t Mr. Wammy informed him of that? He cocked his head, and outstretched a spindly hand towards L. L could do nothing but stare at the hand.

“Now, B.” Mr. Wammy gently scolded the boy. “Remember what I told you? We don’t give out our real names here. We go by aliases.”

“I want him to know my real name, though.” B argued playfully. He looked L up and down. “I feel like I can trust him.”

L stared back in wonderment. What could he mean by that? He would have no real way to judge L’s character. The two had just met, after all. L hadn’t of even uttered a single word! Who was this newcomer, and why did L feel like he had a secret agenda?

“Mr. Wammy is right.” L responded in his usual monotone. “At Wammy’s house, keeping our true identities a secret is of upmost importance.”

“Hm, so everyone must keep a lot of secrets around here huh?” B let out a small chuckle. “Don’t worry, I don’t mind. I want people to know the real me, I have nothing to hide.”

“Well.” Mr. Wammy cleared his throat uncomfortably, and L looked down at the ground. He felt that there was some kind of hidden meaning to those words. It was like a joke that only B himself was in on. “No matter, you must follow the rules.”

“I understand.” B responded calmly. “I’ll be good. It wouldn’t do to be kicked out of another orphanage, now would it?”

L looked up, expecting B to elaborate. He did.

“I’m a bit of a troublemaker.” He answered, that smirk still plastered upon his pale face. “None of the other places I’ve been to were up to the challenge of taming me, I guess.”

L allowed a small smile to cross over his face as well. This one, however, came from a place of challenge. He already had too many annoying peers, and he did not want to deal with another. “Wammy’s house isn’t like other orphanages.” He told B. “It’s a school for the most gifted children. There are higher standards here. And, the teachers are well equipped to deal with bothersome children.”

“Now L, I’ve already told B much about Wammy’s house.” Mr. Wammy interjected, not wanting to two boys to get into any kind of scuffle. “He understands. And he has assured me that he will be on his best behavior.”

“Hm.” L hummed, bringing a finger up to his mouth. He tapped his lips thoughtfully. “Somehow I’m not convinced.”

“Heh, you caught me.” B joked, holding his hands up. “I guess you’ll just have to watch over me carefully, huh?”

“I don’t know. I’m not too interested in becoming a babysitter.” L shot back.

“Aw come on, nothing like that.” B shook his head. “I wanna be friends. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?”

L didn’t respond. He just stared right into those red eyes, trying to understand this boy just a little bit better. B’s stare didn’t waver, he stared back at L unblinkingly. 

“Come now.” Mr. Wammy suddenly spoke, braking up the tension. L turned his gaze back to the older man, and Mr. Wammy looked back at him knowingly. “Let’s go inside, the weather is quite unpleasant. L? Why don’t you show B around the house. I’m sure he’d appreciate that, wouldn’t you?”

“Sure.” B shrugged amicably. “It’ll be nice to see where I’ll be trapped for the next few years.”

L rolled his eyes, and turned to head back to the house. “It’s not like the place is a prison.” He mumbled sourly.

Suddenly, he felt an arm come over his shoulder. Flinching, he turned to see who the perpetrator was. It was none other than the new boy himself, his smiling face was leaning closely in. They were so close that their noses were almost touching. L tried to pry himself from the boy’s grasp, but to no avail. His grip was iron tight, his arm was pressed against his neck tightly. L felt a shiver run through himself.

“Do you mind?” L asked, scowling. B just smiled wider.

“Nope.” He answered, cheerily. L sighed. 

L didn’t feel much like protesting. It was clear that B did whatever he wanted when he wanted. L couldn’t quite make heads or tails of this stranger. B seemed like quite the character. Most children would be traumatized after going through what he had gone through. But B treated life as if it was a joke. Like nothing mattered. The kid obviously had no filter. While most of the children at Wammy’s house could get rowdy at times, they always had the decency to appear polite when it really mattered. L had a feeling B didn’t even know the definition of manners. Or, if he did, it certainly wasn’t in his dictionary. He even walked with a slight skip in his step!

They came to the door, and Mr. Wammy opened it graciously. L spotted his sketchbook out of the corner of his eye, and knew he must retrieve it before the weather soiled the pages. “Pardon me.” He muttered, with as much fake politeness as he could muster. He leaned down and luckily B seemed to take the hint and pulled his arm away. L picked up the book and tucked it beneath his arm, not wanting anyone to see his artwork.

Unfortunatley, B seemed to have a nosy streak as well. He quickly snatched the book from underneath him. L fought the urge to smack this boy upside the head. What on earth was his problem? “That’s mine.” He told B, stiffly. “May I have it back?”

To L’s great surprise, B nodded and handed back the sketchbook without an argument. But not before his eyes quickly scanned the page. L raised his eyebrow, but gingerly took the book back from B’s outstretched hand. B looked at him, with curiosity now brimming in those ruby orbs.

“You draw?” He questioned, and L nodded. He hoped B wasn’t going to make some derogatory comment about his drawing. 

But L was surprised yet again, when the boy gave him what appeared to be a genuine smile. It was soft, and knowing. Quite unlike the obnoxious grin that had previously occupied his face. 

“It’s really good.” He told L. L felt quite flustered, and suspected a small blush might’ve made it’s way across his face. He hadn’t of expected a compliment to fall from the boys lips. He turned away quickly and mumbled a small ‘thank you’.

“Maybe you could teach me.” B suggested, making L look at him out of his perisperhal. The boy looked earnest. “I can’t really draw much, maybe a stick figure on a good day.”

L smiled, a small one but it was still a smile all the same. “Sure. It’s not especially hard if you practice a lot.”

“How long have you been drawing?” B wondered.

“A few years.” L answered, looking up at B again. He looked absolutely captivated. “It was one of the extra circular’s I was forced to take and then ended up enjoying.”

“Extra circular’s?” B wrinkled his nose. “Gross. I hardly like real school, not to mention extra work. Hopefully they have one that involves recess.”

“They have many.” L responded, not knowing if B was kidding or not. “And we do get outdoor time, like any other school. It all depends on the weather though.”

“Boys?” Mr. Wammy interrupted their conversation, making both children look at the man questionably. The door was still held open and L flushed. He had forgotten that Mr. Wammy was even there. 

“Sorry.” L mumbled, quickly dashing inside of the house. He heard footsteps from behind him, and assumed that B had followed. 

“Okay L, I trust that you are more than capable to give B a full tour.” His elder questioned and L nodded. He was now interested in giving this tour. He wanted to learn more about B. “Excellent. Well, I’ll leave you to it then.”

L turned away from his retreating handler to study B again. The boy was looking around him, taking in his surroundings. “Wow.” He whistled. “This place is way nicer than all of the other shitholes I’ve lived in.”

L flushed at the crude language. “You shouldn’t cuss.” He scolded, not even realizing what he had said. 

B flicked his eyes back to him, mischief dancing inside of those red eyes. “It’s cool.” He said with a dismissal shrug. “I’m fourteen, so I’m old enough. How old are you?”

“Twelve.”

“Ah.” B nodded. “You’re plenty old then.”

L blinked, not really knowing how to respond. He thought that crass language made one sound uneducated. But B made it sound….intriguing. He made all of his words sound that way, as if there was more to them if you simply looked closer. “I guess.” Is all he responded with. 

L then turned and made his way across the giant foyer. He could hear his sneakers padding against the old hardwood. He looked up and caught a glimpse of the large crystal chandelier that hung overhead, shining down radiant light beams upon the two boys. He faintly heard children giggling and screaming from somewhere in the house. He stopped at the bottom of the large staircase that lead to the second level. He rested his hand upon the railing, his finger tips hosting the gold detailing. 

“Well, this is Wammy’s.” He stated. But B already knew that, he was just repeating the tour script. It was the lines that he and Mr. Wammy always recited while showing new children the house. “Welcome home.”

He could hear B sigh from behind him. “Home.” He repeated, softly. “I like the sound of that. So, tell me L, is there anyone around this place that’s as fascinating as you?”

-

“What’ve you done now?” A asked in a droll tone, looking up from his book. B had just ran in and slammed the bedroom door shut. He leaned against the closed door, smiling wickedly. His red eyes alive with mischief. Whenever B would act like this, it usually meant that he had just pulled one of his pranks. 

“Nothingggg.” B drawled, rolling his eyes. L sighed. B had the worst poker face ever. When he wanted to, that is. If the boy actually had a secret then no one would ever find out, unless he wanted them to. And when B executed one of his more childish pranks, he usually always wanted someone to know what he had done. That’s why he was acting so obviously guilty at the moment. 

“You pulled another one of your practical jokes, didn’t you?” A sighed, getting off the bed. He came to stand in front of B, arms crossed over his chest. “You don’t want them to expel you, do you?”

“They’d never.” B scoffed. “L’s got my back, right L?”

“Don’t drag me into this.” L muttered. He sat on the floor, putting together an old puzzle. He clicked one of the sunset pieces together and smiled. “I’m not your guard dog, y’know.”

“Quillish suckles at your teet. Roger’s a total bitch for you too, trust me.” B laughed. “They’d hide a body for you if you asked politely enough.”

Annoyance flashed through L and he looked up at the red-eyed boy sharply. B wasn’t fazed, he still had that stupid grin plastered across his face. “I don’t appreciate being called a teacher’s pet.” L said sourly. “Maybe Mr. Wammy and Roger wouldn’t always be on your case if you just behaved yourself.”

B pretended to adopt a thoughtful expression, and sucked air loudly through his teeth. “I could…” He responded, slowly. “But that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. You wouldn’t like me when I’m subdued, L. I’d be much too boring.”

B winked at him and L blushed. B knew that L had a small crush on him and used every opportunity to exploit the young detective because of it. He would constantly hold L’s hand when no one was looking, and kiss him chastely on the cheek. Sometimes B would even sneak into L’s room late at night to cuddle with him. And while L was annoyed with the other teen ninety-nine percent of the time, he also couldn’t deny the attraction he felt. He looked back down at his puzzle quickly, which now appeared quite boring. 

“What was the prank this time, anyway?” A questioned, breaking the silence. L could hear B chuckle lowly. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He taunted. “It was to help L, anyway.”

This got L’s attention, as he hastily stood up and looked at B. B’s red eyes radiated smugness, making L involuntarily clench his fists. Whatever B had done, surely it wasn’t good.

“What did you do?” L demanded. B just laughed harder. “Dammit B, I don’t need your help!”

“No offense, but you kinda do baby boy.” B told him, making L see red. He hated that stupid nickname. B knew that, and used it just to spite him. 

“I’m thirteen, not a baby.” L growled, and B already knew this. He just liked to remind L of the fact that he was older than him, and therefore saw L as inferior. Though L knew the truth, he was the only one the B really liked. He was the only one at the orphanage that the dark-haired boy viewed as his equal. Well, besides A that is. 

“It wasn’t anything super bad, anyway.” B continued, ignoring L’s protest. He sauntered over to the bed and jumped on top of it. He bounced around for a few moments, mussing up the tidy bedspread. “I might’ve set a booby trap to coat Roger in flour.”

“B!” L exclaimed, horrified. A wasn’t nearly as fazed as he was and just gave B a disapproving head shake. “How on earth could that help me anyway?”

“Because, it’s been a year and Quillish still won’t let you solve any cases.” B patiently explained, picking at the blanket beneath him. “And I know how much it bothers you. So since I’m a nice guy, I left a note at the scene of the crime. It was from you, of course. It said that you were gonna run away unless they allowed you to do detective work again.”

L just continued to stare at the menace in front of him. He was angry, he felt liquid rage fill his veins. But he knew getting mad at B never accomplished anything. The red-eyed teenager would simply smirk and laugh. It seemed nothing deterred B. 

So L settled for sighing dramatically and slumping down into one of A’s chairs. “You shouldn’t of done that.” L told him miserably. “They’re not gonna believe that I wrote it, anyway."

“‘Course they will.” B argued. “I forged your handwriting.”

L’s head suddenly started throbbing and he brought a hand up to massage his temples. “You’re such a nuisance.” L mumbled.

“Aw, you know you love me.” B snickered, softly throwing a pillow in his direction. L saw it coming and let it hit him, frowning at the boy across from him when the pillow fell to the floor. B just decided to chortle more. 

But his laughing fit was suddenly interrupted by a loud rapping on the bedroom door. All three teens jumped, and turned to stare guiltily at the door. They all knew who it was, only one of the teachers knocked that hard. 

“Great job leading them to my room.” A hissed, before timidly opening the door. “Erm…hi Roger, what can I do for….you?”

L frowned when he heard that A was trying to hold back a snicker. But he soon saw why that was the case.

Roger angrily strode into the room. And from his shoulders upwards he was coated in pure white. He looked like some abominable snowman. His brown eyes glared dangerously at the group of boys, scathing all of them until his gaze finally landed on B. L saw Roger’s hands clench. 

“This was your handiwork, wasn’t it?” Roger shouted. The sight was quite comical, and L had a hard time muffling his laughter. But it came out in little spurts, forcing him to slap his hand over his mouth. A wasn’t so subtle about his amusement. The brunette boy was rolling around the floor, laughing so hard that the walls seemed to shake. This only served to infuriate Roger more. L could tell that his face was reddening because the flour started turning a pale pink. 

“This is hardly funny!” The older man snapped. B just sat there with a self-satisfied look upon his face. 

“Hey A, did you know your room is haunted?” B called out, staring at Roger with glee. “'Cause, I think I see a ghost.”

“And you!” Roger suddenly whirled around to L, with a small piece of paper clutched between his hands. L gulped, that must be the note B left. “What is the meaning of this?”

L opened his mouth to defend himself. But, before he could. Mr. Wammy walked into the room. 

“L, there you are.” The man sounded relieved. “I got your note.”

“Quillish-“ Roger started, but Mr. Wammy quickly interrupted him.

“L, I had no idea you felt so strongly about this.” Mr. Wammy looked at him guiltily, and it made L’s insides curl up. He didn’t like that look. Mr. Wammy had nothing to feel sorry for, he had only been doing what he thought best. “I don’t want to loose you. And, you have been doing well in school. So, I’ve decided that you may resume your work.”

Both L’s and Roger’s mouths fell open at this. But, for different reasons.

“You’re going to reward him for this behavior?” Roger demanded, angrily. 

“L is a good boy.” Mr. Wammy defended. “He wouldn’t of made a threat like this unless he thought it was his last resort. I don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t have a say in his own life, Roger.”

L’s mouth felt dry. He didn’t want to be blamed for the note. Because he was never going to run away in the first place! He would never threaten Mr. Wammy with that. But, Mr. Wammy was going to let him go back to solving cases because of this ruse. So L kept the truth to himself. 

“Thank you.” He murmured, still not able to meet Mr. Wammy’s gaze. 

“Well- I-“ Roger sputtered, not liking that he wasn’t going to be able to punish L. So, he decided to turn his attention back to B. “What do you plan to do about him? Do you see my face? This flour has ruined my suit! Do you know how much this cost?”

L looked up and saw Mr. Wammy place a hand over his own face. He too must have found the sight rather amusing. But, since he was more mature than the three teenagers, he schooled his features to appear stern as he looked over to B. 

“B.” The older man sighed. “Do you have anything to say for yourself.”

B shrugged, apparently not caring if he was punished for his crimes. “I thought Roger could use some powder, his skin sometimes appears to be oily.” He stated, innocently batting his eyes at the two teachers. 

But Mr. Wammy’s expression did not waver. “Dish duty, two weeks.” He told the red-eyed boy, sternly. B’s eyes widened into mock indignation and he stood up on the bed hastily.

“That’s not fair!” He whined, bouncing angrily. 

“Be grateful, young man.” Roger snarled. “If it were up to me, you would be banished from this school effective immediately. I still don’t understand how you haven’t been shipped off to a juvenile detention center yet! Why can’t you be more like L? “

Roger stormed angrily out of the room without another word, while B’s excited jumping suddenly stopped. His eyes had turned dark, and a bitter scowl now adorned his face. He fell down roughly on the bed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“L? We can talk more about you beginning to solve cases again tomorrow.” Mr. Wammy spoke, making L look up at him. The older man smiled kindly at him and L returned the gesture. He tried to ignore the festering guilt that was building inside of him.

“Okay, sounds good Mr. Wammy.” He spoke in a whisper as the man exited the room as well, leaving the three teenagers in silence. 

B let out an obnoxious sigh. 

“That was awesome!” A exclaimed, jumping up from the floor. “Oh boy, did you guys see the look on Roger’s face? That was hysterical!”

“Stupid Roger.” B muttered sourly. “I’d castrate him if I could.”

A gulped nervously, and silently returned to his book. Everyone who knew anything knew that it was best not to converse with B when he was in one of his moods. B would often become quite insulting, even violent if pushed hard enough. It was best to leave B to stew alone in his rage.

But L had never learned this lesson. He slowly got up from the floor, and tentatively made his way to sit down on the bed. B looking sullen was not something L enjoyed. He would much rather see mischief inside of those red eyes instead of anger. He approached the teen as if he were an anaconda ready to strike, daintily sitting down besides him.

“Well, thank you for convincing them to let me work on cases again.” L mumbled, though he really wasn’t feeling gratitude. B snorted, picking at a loose thread angrily. 

“Yeah, whatever.” He muttered, sullenly. “I should’ve known this is how it would all work out. You get rewarded and I get punished.”

L frowned. “Well, technically, I didn’t do anything.” He defended, reminding B he had been the mastermind behind this whole plot.

“But they didn’t know that!” Beyond spat. “They just favor you, that’s all. And the rest of us are supposed to look up at you like some God, yeah?”

“B, come on, that’s not fair.” A spoke up silently from his book to defend L. 

But B turned his fiery gaze down to the brunette. “How is it not fair?” He ranted, throwing up his hands. “They’re grooming us to be bloody L clones for crying out loud!”

“But that’s just because-“ L started, but B interrupted him by dismounting from the bed and pacing angrily across the room.

“It’s always ‘L’s so perfect’ ‘L’s so smart’ ‘L eats his cookies this way, so you have to as well Beyond!'” The teenager shouted, his pacing now sounding more like stomping. “I’m sick of it! I don’t want to be L, I want to be me!”

L felt a pang in his heart, but knew that B was just frustrated. He knew that the older boy wasn’t mad at him, but he was mad at the fact that L was viewed as better than him. Not that it was really L’s fault, though. He had been one of the first children Mr. Wammy and taken in, after all. And he always did what he was told, and he was always polite. He exceeded in his classes not because he was trying to spite the other children with his skills, but because it came naturally to him.

B on the other hand was a menace in every sense of the word. He was as smart as L, but only tried hard in school so that he could try and best L. He was loud and foul-mouthed, and always seemed to be playing a cruel joke on someone. He disrespected the adults and bullied the younger children. B lived in his own world, and disregarded the rules blatantly. And even though he was next in line to become L’s successor, he constantly challenged that idea and claimed he wanted to be better than L.

And while it bothered L that the boy seemed to hold so much animosity towards him, he knew it was just because of his title. Because, when they were alone, the two boys were the best of friends. No roles existed, it was just B and L. 

“You hate it too! I know you do A.” B started up angrily again, breaking L out of his musings.

L looked down at the other boy, but A continued to stare at his book. “I didn’t say I hated it,” He spoke carefully. “all I said was that it was hard for me to keep up. That, sometimes, it feels like too much pressure has been placed on me.”

“It would be hard for anyone to keep up!” B shouted. “They treat us like sweatshop workers. We always have to be better than L, which is fucking impossible! He’s like a robot for christ’s sake.”

L frowned, now that did hurt his feelings. It wasn’t his fault that he was in the position he was in. What, did B want him to purposefully dumb himself down? 

“Shut up B.” L spoke without thinking. He immediately regretted these words as B turned his stoney glare onto him. He stomped over to the end of the bed loudly, making L gulp. He looked terrifying. 

“What?” B snarled, stopping in front of L and pointed a thin finger at his face. “It’s true! I’m older than you dammit! If anything, I should be the shining example!”

“B, stop.” A sat up, exasperated. “It’s your fault for getting in trouble, anyway. Leave L out of it.”

B dropped his finger, but didn’t look away from L. “Of course.” He growled. “L, L, L, everyone always has to defend poor L. Well, why can’t he defend himself?”

“I can!” L snapped, fed up with B’s ranting. “But I thought it better to let you throw a fit with no interruptions.”

“‘A fit?’” B parroted, narrowing his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. Of course you would downplay my genuine feelings as some inane attempt at attention.”

“Well, you’re acting crazy.” L muttered, which was clearly the wrong thing to say. B’s eyes widened with rage, making L flinch from the intensity of his stare. His eyes looked like pure molten lava, burning with a fire that threatened to melt him.

Without another word, B slowly walked over to A’s bedside table. Before L could even register what was happening, B had picked up the lamp and hurled it towards his head. He ducked quickly, but still heard the whistling of wind as the lamp sailed over him. It landed with a horrible shatter, making L’s ears ring. 

“Hey!” A yelped, leaping up from the floor. “What the hell? That was my light source you asshole!”

“Next time,” B threatened, moving closer to L. He felt himself stiffen and wanted to scoot away. But his body felt paralyzed and B reached out to grip his arm painfully. He tried to pull his arm away, but B’s hand only tightened it’s grip. L felt tears well up in his eyes, and feared that his arm would bruise. “It’ll hit your face.” He whispered these words softly, and his hot breath hit L’s face. L squeezed his eyes shut, praying that B wouldn’t hurt him. 

Luckily, B removed his arm and L could hear his loud footsteps retreating. He let out a breath of air that he hadn’t of even realized he was holding in. 

“B?” He could hear A call. “Come back here!”

“No, I don’t think I will.” B spit spitefully. “I’m the only sane person left in this house and he gets to call me crazy? Where does he find the nerve?”

“But you can’t just throw lamps at people!” A protested. 

“Why? Why can’t I? Who says?” B countered, and L opened his eyes and turned to watch what was unfolding behind him. B had now cornered A up against the door. L was surprised that no fear filled A’s eyes, only disappointment. “The laws are made for civilized people. But, those who have a higher intellect should be able to do whatever they please. They’re the ones who control the world. L’s already figured that out.”

“B, step away from me please.” A spoke quietly. “You’re scaring me.”

B complied, but not before he shot a disdainful laugh in the other’s direction. “Yeah? What are you gonna do, cry about it? It’s all your good for, anyway.”

Even from where he was sitting L could see that A had flinched. The other boy looked down, but not before L saw the darkness that filled his eyes. 

“Get. Out.” He punctuated each word dangerously, voice shaking.

“A-“ B started, actually sounding quite apologetic. He must’ve known that he had went too far. But A didn’t let him continue.

“Fuck you, using my depression against me.” A snarled. His eyes now held the same angry flames that B’s had. “As if I’m the only one in this room who’s fucked up, you bloody psycho.”

“Psycho? Fuck you A, eat shit and die.” B hissed venomously. He hastily ripped the door open, and stormed away from the room. A leaned his head out to yell a few more choice words. 

“Yeah, you’re a psycho!” He screamed. “What, like constantly blowing up on people is normal? Get some fucking help!”

And with that, A slammed the door shut so hard the L could feel the bed from underneath him shake. He could see the brunette lean against the door frame and slowly slide down. He could hear his shaky breathing from all the way across the room. As A held his face in his hands, L felt his heart break. Trying to ignore his own heart’s rapid beating, he climbed off the bed and made his way towards A.

If the boy heard him, he made no indication that he had. He continued to hold his head, and L could now see that his body was trembling. Swallowing a lump, L crouched down a few inches away from the other boy. He tentatively placed a hand on his knee.

“Hey, are you okay?” L asked, his usual apathy discarded. His own voice didn’t sound like his own, it was full of worry and concern.

A sighed heavily. “It’s fine.” He mumbled, slightly raising his head. L could see the wet trails that were now painted on his face. His eyes were rimmed red, reminding L slightly of splattered blood. He sniffled and attempted a weak smile, which looked more like a grimace. “B says shit, but then apologizes. I wouldn’t let it bother you. I don’t.”

L nodded, but could still feel left over horror from nearly having his face smashed in by a lamp. “But…” He hesitated, not sure if he should ask what he was about to ask. But, he decided to voice his concerns. “You’re okay, right? Like, the work they give you isn’t too much?”

A blinked, and decided to look off to L’s side. But L still studied his eyes. They looked empty, void of any light. And this shook L to his core. He could feel apprehension filling him to the brim. A looked like a shell of himself, like there was some hidden enemy that only he could fight against. He looked utterly lost. 

“It’s fine.” He spoke in a reassuring voice that didn’t quite assure L of anything. “Don’t worry about me. I just get discouraged sometimes is all.”

“I am worried about you.” L spoke softly. “You said something about depression-“

This made A’s eyes snap frantically back to his own. They were filled with fear. “Don’t” He spoke in a strangled voice. “Don’t tell. They’ll send me away if they think I’m crazy.”

“But A, this could be serious. You might need-“ L’s voice faltered. His legs suddenly felt unsteady, so he fell onto his backside to sit. He placed his hands on the floor to try and ground himself, but it didn’t work. Worry coiled in his stomach like a venomous snake. His mind was telling him that something was wrong with this scene, very wrong. 

But A hastily stood up, using his olive colored sweater sleeves to dry his tears. He briskly walked over to his window. L watched him, and he clutched windowsill tightly. 

“It’s fine, nothing’s wrong.” He spoke in a soft voice. “B just made me angry is all. And I say stupid things when I’m angry.”

L was silent, still not entirely convinced. A noticed and turned around, staring at L with a calming look in those green eyes.

“It’s fine.” He repeated. “Everything’s fine.”

L nodded, and stood to make his way back to his own room. He felt like he should stay, but A had moved to lie down on his bed. He turned facing away from L, and curled into a ball. He was giving off the signs of desperately needing isolation. L understood, he didn’t like to be watched while he was distressed either. 

He shut the door behind him softly, stifling a sigh. He turned to walk back to his own room, his eyes firmly trained on the green rugs that laid atop the old oak floors. A multitude of troubling thoughts floated through his mind. L tried to convince himself that it was simply anxiety. A had been shaken up by B’s words, is all. And maybe he was just having bit of trouble with school. That was quite common in teenagers, right? Just because L didn’t struggle with lessons didn’t mean that other’s had the same luck. And A seemed to be in good spirits, most of the time. 

Because most of the time, him and A and B would be lounging around outside. They would explore the woods behind the mansion together, always finding something new to discover. On sunny days, they would lay in the grass reading books together. Sometimes late at night, they would watch dull television programs together and laugh. Sometimes, if B was feeling particularly playful, they would even play hide and seek. Whenever he and A talked, the boy always seemed soft-spoken and calm. And A loved jokes. He told them a lot, smiling at every one of his punchlines.

And L knew that life wasn’t all sunshine and roses. People got upset sometimes, that was human nature. If he had never heard about A’s problems before today, surely they couldn’t be too dire. B was closer to A than he was, and would tell him if something was wrong. Wouldn’t he?

*No matter.* L thought, slightly shaking his head. He shouldn’t trouble himself with these dark wonderings any longer. Because if A said everything was fine, he should believe him.

Right?

-

L raised his fist to softly knock at the door, but hesitated. He shifted from one foot to another, feeling grossly uncomfortable. The hallway was pitch black, not a flicker of light in sight. L thought that he could faintly hear crickets chirping.

He had just gotten back from his most recent case. This one had been the longest one he had taken, lasting over four whole months. He had been all the way in Germany, trying to solve a complicated murder plot. In the end, the father had murdered his whole family because they had figured out that he was the killer of the mother’s first born. But that was besides the point. 

It had been a week since A had committed suicide. L had learned about it a day after it had happened, and unfortunately hadn’t of even had the time to mourn. That had been the day that he had found a crucial piece of evidence. His mind had been so consumed with solving this case that he hadn’t of even had time to think about the boy’s passing. 

But, on the plane ride home, he had thought about it. It had been the only thing on his mind. He felt pure devastation, thinking of A now. He hadn’t of even been able to make the funeral, being in another country and all. He didn’t know how A had done it, he hadn’t of wanted to know. All he knew was that B was the one to find him.

He had also been informed that besides attending the funeral, B had been locked inside of his room since it had happened. Food and water had been left outside so that B wouldn’t starve himself, but other than that no one had bothered him. They knew he must be traumatized. Roger had told Mr. Wammy and L that B seemed to be having nightmares. Several children had heard screaming from behind the closed door. Roger also suspected that many things had been broken, because of all the noise. 

L had been told that B had been calling out for A. L tried desperately not to wallow, for that wouldn’t solve anything now. Time travel was a luxury that only existed in movies. Nothing he could do or say now would bring A back, he knew this. But, B had told him the exact date of A’s death. And L couldn’t hide that memory away. It chilled his very bones, remembering the last conversation he had had with his successor before he had left.

Had B known of A’s plans? He must’ve, how else could he have predicted his exact death day? But why hadn’t he told anyone? Did he doubt the seriousness of A’s plans? L felt guilty thinking that A must’ve been planning his demise for so long. What had happened? 

But L suspected that he would never know the answers to these questions. The only person who knew the answers was resting underground, after all. But it still felt as if a dark cloud of sadness was stationed over him. He couldn’t shake the loathsome feeling that perhaps he could’ve saved A. Or was he too far gone to have been helped? It didn’t matter, L would always feel partial responsibility. He would always remember that fateful conversation where A had alluded to his deep, dark, sadness….

L mentally extracted himself from his dreary thoughts. No, he couldn’t feel sad. He couldn’t feel self-pity, not now. Now, B needed him. Roger had said that no one else would be able to get through to B besides him. And L knew this to be true. Because, with A gone, L was the only friend B had left. He just hoped that his red-eyed companion wouldn’t shut him out.

He knew how close they were, after all. He knew that while B didn’t open his heart for many, he had for A. A had been the first boy at the orphanage to talk with B. B had accidentally tripped and fell into the boy carrying his lunch. But, instead of scolding B, A had smiled and made a good natured joke about B ‘wearing his lunch instead of eating it.’ B had went along with it, laughing and saying that he needed new clothes anyway. The pair had been tight-knit ever since. 

And L knew that whatever B couldn’t tell him, he could always tell A. Whenever L didn’t know how to comfort B, A would always know just what to say. And L feared that he wouldn’t be good enough to take B away from the dark place he had fallen into. He was scared that B might try and join A as well. Because, while he cared deeply for A, he loved B. L couldn’t imagine living without his dark-haired pal. B was the only one who truly understood him, the only person he felt he had a connection with. B was the only person besides Mr. Wammy who had ever seen him cry. B gave the warmest hugs, and his smile was the only one that could make him feel warm inside. If B died, L feared a part of his soul would go with him. 

So L was going to try his hardest to help B. Though he didn’t quite know how to comfort the boy, he would try his best. So, with newfound determination coursing through his veins, L knocked on the door softly.

No answer. 

Sighing, L knocked a little louder. “B?” He called. “It’s L. Can I come in?”

Again, silence was the only response he got. L wondered for a second if B had already done something horrible. His heart clenched at the thought and he slightly backed away, wondering if he should get Mr. Wammy. But, suddenly, a quiet voice answered him.

“It’s unlocked.”

L tried to still his shaking hands and gripped onto the door handle tightly. B’s voice sounded…different. It didn’t sound like his normal easy-going self. It didn’t sound teasing, or full of laughter. It also didn’t sound deep or angry, which was another familiar tone. No, his voice sounded empty. It sounded cold. It sounded like…

A’s had, one of the last times L had talked with him. 

So L hastily pushed the door open, scared of what he might find. A small lamp illuminated the corner of the otherwise dark room. He shut the door behind him, the quiet click almost making him jump out of his skin. His nerves were frayed, like someone had taken a hoover to them. His eyes scanned over the room until they landed on B.

B was laying on his bed, on his back. He didn’t acknowledge L at all, he simply stared up at the ceiling. If it wasn’t for the steady rising and falling of his chest, L would’ve assumed that B was no longer alive. The light slightly illuminated B’s pale face, but his features looked drawn on. It looked as if he was staring past the ceiling. Like, he was in a different reality. L brought his thumb to his mouth to nibble on for comfort, and continued to stare uneasily at B. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do to make everything better.

He felt utterly helpless. And that was a feeling that L hated. 

“B, I-I…I don’t-“ L heard himself stuttering, and cursed himself for it. He couldn’t help it. Anguish coated his soul, making his heart ache painfully. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” B’s harsh voice cut him off. But he didn’t spare L a glance, he just continued to look at the white ceiling. “I don’t wanna talk about A.”

L bit into his thumb so hard that he tasted blood. He shuffled closer to the bed, not wanting to invade B’s personal space. A horrid stench emanated from the bed and L tried not to wrinkle his nose. When was the last time B had showered? His hair looked greasy and clung onto the pillow underneath him. Dark circles that almost appeared black rimmed his blank red eyes. 

“B.” L spoke softly. “Don’t shut me out, please. Talk to me.”

B didn’t respond. 

“I-“ L sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to make any sudden movements that could startle the teenager. “I know I wasn’t here. A-and I’m sorry for that. I really, truly am. But I’m worried about you. I don’t-“ He swallowed a painful lump in the back of his throat. “I don’t want to loose you too.” He whispered.

“So please, talk to me.”

B still continued his staring contest with the ceiling, but responded to L. “I’m fine.”

L shook his head. “You’re not, I can tell."

He inched his hand towards the other, softly clutching onto it. It was deathly cold, and seemed like dead weight in his grasp. “B-“

But as soon as he had touched B, it seemed to awaken something inside of his elder. He quickly sprang up, as if he had just been burned. L flinched back, so startled that he almost tumbled off the bed. B now stood on the opposite side of the bed, and his eyes seemed to come alive. They shot daggers at him, piercing his very heart. They were fierce and angry, and burned with a scorching fire. 

“It’s your fault!” He hissed. L felt his heart shrivel and ducked his head. “They pushed him too far, and it was because of you!”

L stayed frozen in place, and his heart beat painfully against his chest. He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. He allowed B to continue on his heartbroken tirade. 

“This whole damn house is a pit of despair! A escaped and I think he’s the lucky one.” B continued and L felt the words pierce his skin like needles. “Because, at least now he’s not stuck in your shadow. At least now he’s not tormented anymore. No, he left me to take his place. To be the lone bearer of all of your burdens. So, is that what happens now? Are you gonna destroy me next?”

L felt as if he had just been kicked in the stomach, all of the air had left him. He looked up at B in shock. Hurt coursed rapidly through his veins, among many other emotions. Betrayal was another that seeped into his heart. How could B say those awful things?

“I didn’t mean for him to die.” L whispered, and he felt a small tear make its way down his face. “I’m so sorry B, I didn’t want him to die. And I don’t want YOU to die! How could you think that?”

“Aw, is L crying?” B sneered, poison dripping from his mouth. “Grow the hell up! None of this would be happening if you had just died on those streets, you know. So why don’t you do me a favor and go back out into the cold. It disgusts me to be in your presence. You vile, soul-sucking, decrepit bastard!”

More tears quickly made their way down his face, as he turned away from B. His heart felt as if someone had just ripped it out, stuck it inside of a blender, and roughly pushed it back into his chest. He couldn’t stand hearing these things. Did B really despise him that much? Did he really want him gone? 

L couldn’t take it anymore. Abandoning all of his pride, he slumped against the wall and quietly cried. No sounds escaped his mouth, but he could feel the sobs violently wracking his body. It felt as if he had just been sucked dry, like he was now a hollow shell of himself. He throat closed in on himself and he struggled to breathe, making tiny gasping noises. 

B’s agonizing voice still pierced his ears. “No one’s life has ever been made better with you in it! Why did A have to die, why couldn’t it of been you?”

“Stop.” L quietly gasped. “Please.”

But, suddenly, he heard a loud thump from behind him. Turning around quickly, he saw B had fallen to the floor on his knees. The boy’s head was tucked under his arms and L could hear heart-wrenching cries escape the other’s mouth. B’s own body trembled violently, and he wailed as if his very soul was being torn apart.

The dark-haired boy looked so small and so fragile, it broke L’s heart even further. He felt more hot tears slide down his face as B’s cries filled the silent room.

“I’m…sorry!” He cried, gasping loudly. “I’m sorry l, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t…I didn’t…I didn’t…Oh God, please forgive me!"

L tentatively made his way over to the other boy, and crouched down. He could almost feel the despair radiating off the other. “It’s okay.” he whispered. “I forgive you.” Because, B hadn’t of meant it. right? No, he was simply upset. And people said things they didn’t mean when they were upset. b was simply taking his anger out on the wrong person, is all. And L knew he could take it. He just wanted to help B.

“I just miss him.” B sobbed. “Why did he do it? Why couldn’t I save him?”

“I don’t know.” L mumbled miserably. His instincts were screaming at him to collect B into a hug. But, he didn’t want the boy to get angry at him again. So, instead, he settled for helplessly watching B’s suffering. “I don’t know.” Because, he didn’t. 

“L, you’re the only one I have left.” B looked up at him, his eyes swollen and leaking with tears. “Please, I-I couldn’t bear it if you left me. I need you, please don’t leave!”

“I won’t.” L promised him, staring into those distraught red eyes. “I’ll be with you forever, I swear it.”

B then pulled L into a bone-crushing hug, which L readily reciprocated. B clutched onto him as if L was his last life line. His fingers dug painfully in to his back, but L welcomed the sting, and only held onto B harder. The boy buried his head into his shoulder, and L could soon feel a devastating wetness land upon his skin. The loud cries were muffled, and sounded like mere whimpers. B sounded like a wounded animal, and L felt more drops of sadness slide over his face.

The pair sat in together for what seemed like forever. B’s sobs gradually turned into soft bouts of sobs, and then those turned into gasps of air. L just hugged him close, and rubbed soothing circles onto his back. B felt so delicate underneath his touch. L hesitantly pressed a soft kiss to the other’s cold neck, wanting to do anything to get him away from these horrific feelings. 

B pulled away, and for a moment L feared that he had crossed a line. *B’s probably going to yell at me again and kick me out.* He thought, miserably. 

But, B surprised him by pressing his own mouth to L’s. L felt his own eyes widen, and his surprised gasp was muffled by B’s mouth. The other’s lips felt like silk against his own, and L hesitantly leaned into the kiss. He wanted to do whatever it took to make B feel better, after all. And B desperately needed comfort.

And, because L didn’t want to lie to himself, it felt nice. Too nice. He didn’t want to stop. 

B began kissing him hungrily, as if he was trying to devour the raven. His fingers found their way into L’s hair and tugged at his wild black strands, making L moan. B used this opportunity to slip his tongue inside of L’s mouth. L allowed this too, and opened his mouth wider to accommodate B. Their tongues clashed together, and rubbed against each other soothingly. L pulled B as close as possible, clutching onto the boy’s black shirt tightly. 

His head felt fuzzy and all other feelings of despair had disappeared. All of those ugly emotions had been replaced with a burning fire of lust, and L saw stars behind his closed eyes. He knew the sounds he was letting out probably sounded depraved, but he couldn’t find it inside of himself to care. His heart felt like it was slowly being pieced back together. 

B’s fingers slowly made their way down the front of L’s pants, before they found their prize. When L felt himself being groped, all of those starry feelings stopped. It felt like a bucket of ice had just been dumped on him. He tried to pull away from the kiss, but B just continued to ravage his mouth passionately. The sounds of wet kissing filled the room, and L suddenly felt afraid.

He knew what sex was, of course. He had been taught about it long ago. But, he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t! He knew it would hurt, and he didn’t want B to see him like that. Not yet. He didn’t want to be defiled, and exposed. No, he wanted to keep his innocence. The thought of it being stolen away so hastily made him feel ill. 

B pulled away to greedily reclaim some air, his hand still insistently grabbing at L. L used this opportunity to voice his apprehension. He licked his wet lips, which felt quite swollen. 

“B..” L murmured, it came out as a whisper of air. He cleared his throat, and watched as B eyed him hungrily. The sadness in his eyes had been replaced with lust. And he stared down at L as if he was nothing more than a whore. 

“B,” L tried again, and watched as B bit down on his own bruised lips. He still wasn’t stopping, which made L’s blood turn cold. “S-stop.” He managed, closing his eyes. “We…we shouldn’t do this.”

B actions did not stop, however they slowed down considerably. L sighed in relief, opening his eyes to observe B. B looked befuddled, and cocked his head. 

‘Why?” He questioned, softly. “Does it not feel good?”

“I-“ L didn’t want to make B feel worse, but he had to find some way to stop this. Before it was too late, before it went too far. L knew he would regret it if it did. And he didn’t want his first time with B to be like that. He wanted to enjoy himself, not suffer through it. 

“I don’t think I’m ready.” He confessed, his voice sounded meek to his own ears. “B, I’m scared.”

“You shouldn’t be!” B protested. “It’s not scary I promise. Don’t worry, I’ve never done it either.”

“B-but…you’re-we’re-“ L floundered, trying to form an excuse. It seemed feeling scared wasn’t a good enough reason for B to stop. The man thought he was simply anxious, and that he could soothe his nerves with some sweet talking. But L didn’t need to be soothed. He knew what he wanted. 

“I don’t think we’re in the right headspace.” L finally uttered. He didn’t understand how B was continuing, L knew he wasn’t aroused in the slightest. “You’re upset, and I-“

“I’m fine.” B insisted. “I want this-no, I NEED this!”

“B-“ L’s voice faltered as B’s eyes locked onto his. His eyes were begging, pleading L to not turn him away. Those red orbs were filled with desire for him, and that desire burned so strong that it made L feel somewhat dizzy. 

“You wouldn’t deny me, would you?” B asked, hurt filling his voice. “Why don’t you want me? Why am I not good enough for anyone?”

“B, no, that’s not what I mean.” L protested, but B just sighed forlornly. He looked down at the floor, and sadly glared at the hardwood. 

“I want you.” He insisted. “I need this, please.”

L frowned, bringing his thumb to his mouth again. B had removed his hand. And while it felt better, safer, L was still torn. Would B think that L was rejecting him if he said no? Would he feel worse and possibly hate L if he said no? L didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly, B grabbed his hand. Pale fingers laced with pale fingers and B squeezed his hand meaningfully. “If you care for me, why won’t you be with me?” The red-eyed boy murmured. “This will make me feel better. I’d love you so if you let me prove my devotion to you.”

L bit his lip, and slightly shook his head. “I don’t know.” He murmured. 

B suddenly grabbed his arm, and pulled him close. L yelped and angled his body away from the boy. B’s touch burned through his long-sleeved white shirt, making the skin underneath feel singed. 

“‘You don’t know?’” B mocked, his lips drawn back into a nasty sneer. L blanched. “Stop being such a little fucking cock-tease L. You’re grown, aren’t you? You’re the world’s greatest detective after all. Why should a little sex scare you?”

*Cock-tease?* L thought, horrified. Had he been teasing B? Had he led the boy on? B’s red eyes glared at him angrily, and L swallowed. Every single protest he had seemed to fly out of the window.

“Let me do it.” B murmured, the hatefulness in his eyes was replaced by desire yet again. “Please, I just want to be happy again.”

B leaned his head close to L’s neck and placed a chaste kiss on the sensitive skin, making L gasp. *B just wants to be happy. And, you said you would do whatever it took to make him feel better.* L told himself.

So, it was settled then. Trying to drown out his uncomfortableness with numbness, L leaned into B and allowed him to do whatever he pleased. B had said he would love him after this, didn’t he? Maybe this is what they both needed. 

L was then roughly pushed down onto the floor, and he heard himself yelp. He had thought they would be moving to the bed. The hard surface of the floor made his back ache from how forcefully he had been shoved down. It felt cold and unforgiving. But L didn’t want to object again and risk facing B’s wrath.

So he limply laid on the floor, and allowed for his clothes to be ripped off. The cold air made his bare skin collect goosebumps, and he involuntarily shivered. B didn’t notice, however, he was too invested in corrupting the body underneath him. 

And L laid back, trying not to tense too much. Trying in vain not to squirm and writhe when the searing pain hit him harshly. He tried to muffle his cries of pain, and bite into his hand so hard that he could feel drops of blood collect in his mouth. The metallic taste made his insides protest. He felt as if he was tasting sin. He tried not to think about how filthy he felt. He tried not to let it bother him, he really did. He tried to revel in B’s affections, he tried to convince himself that what he was feeling was love.

But it was nothing of the sort. It was dreadful, nasty, horrifying emotions that filled his once pure soul. He almost felt his heart physically crack at the sensation of being used. B wasn’t gentle, and he wasn’t caring. He was cruel, acting as if he was a depraved libertine. L felt as if B had taken all the nastiness from himself and buried it inside of his body. B thrust into him as if he was trying to hurt L, like he hated him with every fiber of his being. 

But after B was done, he had kissed L so softly that the raven told himself everything was going to be alright. He’d settle for the numbness, for now. Because surely the next time he did it he would be used to the sensation and feel better about the whole matter. 

He didn’t want to think of himself as defiled or broken. He told himself that he loved B, and that B loved him. 

-

“Hey.” B’s voice sounded from behind him. “Can I talk to you?”

L turned his body to face B. He was currently lying swaddled in his comforter. He was curled into a tight ball trying to forget the extreme agony he was currently experiencing. That morning, he had woken up on the hardwood floor. Which was already bad enough. But his backside had also ached horribly. He could barely walk back to his room, he had limped with every step. Mr. Wammy had run into him and was concerned, asking L if he had gotten hurt. L, not wanting to create a fuss and expose his indiscretion, assured the older man that he had fallen down the stairs last night. Mr. Wammy had, perhaps foolishly, believed him. 

L had taken Tylenol, but even that hadn’t soothed the pain. Because he was also experiencing dreadful mental torment. Regret filled his entire being, making L almost nauseous. He felt different, somehow. He felt as if he had been changed in the worst way. And he didn’t know how to feel about it. He didn’t know how to feel about any of it. All he knew was that his entire body ached, and he just wanted to sleep until that pain ebbed away. 

“You left your room.” L stated the obvious, and his voice leaked with surprise. This was the first time B seemed semi-better. His eyes were back to gleaming with untold secrets, and his face seemed brighter. 

“Yeah, I did.” B shifted uncomfortably. “Where did you go? You weren’t there when I woke up.”

L blinked. “I fell asleep on the floor.” He deadpanned. “I wanted to go back to my bed.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me?” B angrily demanded. 

“Because you were sleeping.” L defended. He had woken up to find B, but the boy had been asleep in his own bed. He had looked so calm, and serene. He looked his age, instead of haunted. He had snored softly, and looked somewhat like a heavenly vision. L hadn’t of wanted to disturb him. B was a horrible morning person, after all. It seemed like he was always in a bad mood no matter how much sleep he got. L thought he deserved some peace and quiet and left the room quietly. 

Plus, he wanted to stew in his tumultuous and punishing thoughts alone. 

“You should’ve stayed.” B muttered. “You shouldn’t just up and leave without telling me where you’re going.”

L frowned, bringing a cold hand up to rub his tired eyes. “I’ve never done so before.” He told the red-eyed boy, and he could hear the confusion seeping from his own voice. Because in the past when they would have sleepovers, L usually woke up before everyone else due to his insomnia. He had left B’s room before and it had never been an issue. 

“That should change then, shouldn’t it?” B snapped, his eyes glaring at L testily. “Everything’s different now.”

L yawned. “Why?” What, because A had died? So now that meant B was his keeper?

“Because!” B scowled. “We’re intimate.”

L felt a deep blush overtake his cheeks, and quickly turned away. How could B say such crude things? 

“Don’t turn away!” B yelled, roughly yanking on L’s arm. L turned over so fast that he almost rolled out of bed. “What’s wrong with you?”

L blinked yet again, and started chewing on his bottom lip. “Nothing.” Well, everything. But he wasn’t about to let B know he had regrets. B seemed quite fragile at the moment, and would surely fly off the handle if given any criticism. 

“Yeah, well, you’re being weird.” B informed him. “What, do you have problems with what happened last night? That’s so hurtful!”

L frowned. “How?” He questioned, truly lost on what point B was trying to make. So he had went back to his own room, big deal. 

“Because, you’re acting like I wasn’t good enough to stay with!” B spat, and L widened his eyes. “What, is the almighty L not good enough to sleep with mere commoners?”

“When did I ever say that?” L demanded, but he could hear the slight tremor in his voice. He sat up and hastily brought his thumb into contact with his teeth. B’s mood swings seemed worse in the short time that he had been back, and that scared him. He already knew what kind of temper B had. And when B was raging, one must never get caught in the crossfire. Unless they wanted to be badly burned. 

“Please, you didn’t have to say it.” B dismissed. “I know you, Lawliet.”

“Shhh!” L frantically hushed, looking towards the door. Luckily, it was closed. He glared at B, but the boy didn’t seem fazed. “Never repeat that!” He hissed. “Do you know what would happen if my true identity was found out?”

“Oh, boohoo.” B rolled his ruby eyes. “What? Does being told the truth scare you? That’s your name, isn’t it?”

“It’s actually my last name.” L shot back hotly. “But the entirety of Wammy’s house could be in danger if my true identity was uncovered. I could be killed, you know that right? I have a lot of enemies and-“

“Oh of course, we all have to protect precious Lawli from the evil, dangerous monsters of the world.” B sneered. “I don’t give two shits about your name. I’ve never told it to anyone, anyway. So you can untwist your panties.”

L looked down and harshly started picking at a loose thread. “Still,” He muttered. “I don’t like my real name being thrown around so carelessly. You should know better.”

“Carelessly?” B asked, sounding quite offended. “Fuck you! I’m not careless. I’m really smart, you know. Smarter than you, even if your stubborn brain can’t accept that. I’m not a baby, and I don’t do reckless things because I’m stupid! No, I’m very much capable to handle myself and my affairs without your meddling! What are you, my dad? You sound like such a condensing prick right now!”

“Did you need something?” L asked, tiredly. He didn’t even want to defend himself anymore. Fighting with was B the worst, because you would never win. He would hurl insults and defend himself to the death, even coming up with ridiculous excuses that had no relevance to the current situation in order to dodge responsibility. Arguing with B was like arguing with a wall, it wasted everyone’s time. It was better to let the red-eyed boy think he had won the argument than to challenge him. L knew this, and this is why he hated disputes with him. B was much better company when he was nice and funny, not when he was trying to extract his pound of flesh. 

“I just wanted to see you!” B shouted. “What, do you suddenly not care about me anymore?”

“No!” L protested, stifling another yawn. He slumped back down into bed and pulled the covers up under his chin tightly. “I do, you know how much I care for you. I’m just exhausted, is all. And I don’t want to bicker with you.”

“Then don’t be such a pathetic baby! If you didn’t say dumb things, I wouldn’t have to correct you! You take my genuine advice and turn it into something ugly!”

L sighed, and closed his eyes. Maybe if he didn’t respond, B would claim victory and walk away. But, they shot open again when he felt a heavy weight settle upon him. B was sitting onto of him, and his red eyes bore into him ferociously. L unconsciously shrunk back into the mattress. 

B looked positively murderous.

“Don’t close your eyes when I’m speaking to you.” B snarled. “Don’t act like you can just shut me out, I matter!”

“I never said you didn’t!” L protested quietly. “I’m just really tired, that’s all.”

“Please.” B scoffed angrily. “You walk around this place like a fucking zombie, everyone knows you don’t sleep!”

“Yeah?” L raised his eye brow, but his voice still sounded quite weak. “Maybe I’m catching up on lost slumber, then. Maybe I’m like a bear that has to hibernate.”

But his joke fell of deaf ears as B suddenly raised his hand and struck him across the face. L’s head jerked to the side from the intensity of it. His cheek burned hotly and he could feel tears of reaction spring to his eyes. “B?” He questioned, shocked. He could feel his ears ringing.

“You can’t leave me now Lawli.” B hissed. “You’re mine now, do you hear me? You belong to me!”

L squirmed to try and escape from B, but the boy wouldn’t waver. He sat on him like dead weight. L tasted bile. “I’m a human being.” He responded, trying not to sound fearful. “I don’t belong to anyone.”

B hit him again, and L couldn’t help the small whimper of pain that escaped from his lips. “You sold your soul to me the moment we made love.” He growled lowly. “Don’t you know anything at all? If two people have sex, it means they’re bonded eternally.”

*Is that true?* 

L felt his skin crawling. He didn’t like how terrifying B had become. And he certainly did not want to get slapped anymore. He felt as if he was a mouse who had just been dumped in the cage of a very hungry snake. And the snake looked ready to strike. “B? Can you please get off, you’re scaring me?” How could he stop this? He didn’t want B to be angry with him. 

“Scaring you?” B sounded shocked, his red-eyes widening into the size of dinner plates. “No dear, I’m just teaching you a lesson. You’re loyal to me now, yeah? You hear me?”

“I hear you.” L whispered. “But please, I-I can’t breathe.”

B just stared down at him, smirking. “Say you belong to me.” He whispered, his voice sounding sickly sweet. “I need your assurance. I think we’re each other’s fate, my precious Lawliet. Don’t you feel the same? I know you do. So, tell me. Tell me your mine.”

“….You know how much I care about you, don’t you B?” L whispered thickly. He felt fear biting at his nerves. He bit the inside of his cheek when he saw B’s hand lift again, and tried to brace himself for the impact. But, it didn’t make the blow any softer. 

Smack.

Smack.

Smack. 

L tasted blood in his mouth, and his face felt as if it was on fire. He wondered if the hits would bruise, he wondered if evidence would be left of B’s abuse. His head ached and he heard ringing in his left ear, the ringing of a thousand bells. 

“…I’m yours.” He choked out. “Please B, I’m sorry.” Why was he sorry? *For disappointing B.* L reminded himself. *He’s mad at me, because he thinks I’m going to leave like A. He’s upset is all. It’s my fault for leaving in the middle of the night.*

B smiled, and despite his throbbing cheek, L tentatively smiled back. B’s face was radiating happiness, so everything was okay now. He softly caressed L’s face and L leaned into the touch, desperate to feel comfort. His loving touch seemed to lessen the sting. L felt his heart piece back together. This was nice. B was so nice to him. 

B looked upon him lovingly, making his heart soar. B was just an extension of his soul, L could almost see the red string that attached the two.

Charcoal eyes locked with red-eyes, and the two stared at each other as if the world was ending. Like it was the last sight they would ever see. L felt his breath catch in his throat and coughed. This, unfortunately, led to tiny bright red drops of blood splattering onto the other’s face. L cringed, worried that he had upset B again. 

B looked surprised, but then smiled deviously. “The blood’s coating your lips.” He told L, huskily. “It looks like pretty red lipstick, I feel like I could come from this sight alone. You’re ethereal, L.”

L felt his heart beat faster, and his eyes lidded lazily. B swiped a finger across his face to clean up the blood, and stuck his finger in his mouth. L looked in wonderment as B sucked the finger clean, the red-eyed boy was looking at him with perverted delight. He pulled his finger out of his mouth, giving it one last lascivious lick. His pink tongue flicked out once more to greedily lap up the bloody drops on his lips, and he dragged the dampened fingertip across L’s reddened cheek.

“I’m tasting you.” B told him. “You’re a part of me now.”

B then claimed L’s mouth, kissing him with such a passion that L felt like a ghost of himself. He felt like he wasn’t experiencing reality, that he had died and gone to heaven. How could something so sinful feel like paradise. B tugged at his lips fiercely to draw more delicious red wine, and the pain sent a thrill up L’s spine. He leaned his head back and moaned desperately, seeing stars. B nipped at him like he was a starving vampire, desperate for nourishment. And L let hime dine, he let B become one with him. Because he knew, in his heart, that they were one. The thought comforted him, because he knew he would never be alone again. Not as long as B stayed by his side. 

“I’ve always loved you.” B rasped, slowly sliding down his pajama bottoms. “You know that, don’t you Lawli?”

L nodded, he knew. God how he knew. But those saccharine words made his heart swell with emotions, emotions that threatened to swallow him whole. But, he didn’t mind. He would let himself feel happy, for once. For all the rot he had seen in the world, B was his only light. 

“You’re my life.” B continued, sliding a saliva-coated finger inside. “I don’t know how I’d survive without you. You’re the only person I care about, do you hear me?”

“I hear you.” L gasped, clutching onto B’s arms harder. “I’m yours.”

“Forever and always.” B swore, digging into him harder. L gasped.

B started harshly rutting against him, and L felt that loathsome feeling enter him yet again. He tried to play dead, and he looked off to the side. He hoped that this would clue B in to his unwillingness. But, B didn’t care. Because he wanted L. 

Suddenly, B jumped off of the bed. L was filled with a sweet relief. Because, he wouldn’t be made to endure that awful pain again. He was safe, and B knew not to cross his boundaries. B did respect him, he did love him.

But that relief was short lived and dread fell upon him again as B returned, condom in hand.

“B, this is wrong.” L protested shakily, shrinking as the other boy had climbed on top of him, immobilizing him. “P-please, get off! I don’t want this-“

B glared harshly at him as he pulled off his pants, and L felt himself withering under that stare.  
“How could you say that?” His elder interrupts, feigning hurt. “Don’t hurt my feelings, Lawli. I’m not hurting you, I love you so. I’m just simply showing my love, that’s all.”

And once again, L was roughly taken. It felt as if a knife had just plunged into his heart. He tried to push at B’s shoulders, but he felt so enfeebled that he could merely pat at the other boy softly.

“But you are hurting me.” L whimpers again.

“That’s because you’re inexperienced.” B reassures, striking into him harder. “But don’t worry, it’ll feel better soon. Because I love you, and you love me. Don’t you?”

And, yes, L did love him. But he hated this feeling. He hated what sex was made into to. He hated how he felt like a mere object. He hated how his stomach would turn and how his heart would ache. But he didn’t want to loose B’s affections.

So, he let B do what he wanted. And he learned to numb himself, to dissociate from his surroundings. It was just because he was inexperienced, is all. No matter how much they did it, he was still inexperienced. That’s why it felt so decrepit, right?

He learned how to let his eyes glaze over, and how to distract himself from the pain with his thoughts. And when the physical pain stopped, he learned to ignore the emotional torment. He learned how to lay limp, he learned how to receive what was given to him graciously.

Because B always told him that he had to earn his affections. So that’s what L did. He learned how to be the best for his lover. And that love overpowered those ugly feelings. The love overpowered the truth.

Because these were their roles. And B would kiss him softly afterwards, and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. He would clutch onto him, and L would lay his head on B’s chest to hear his heart beating. L soaked up the praise like a sponge, and it only existed to infatuate him further. 

No matter how hard he had to concentrate so as not to scream, it would be worth it in the end. He memorized the white ceiling, because his eyes would always stare blankly at it. 

-

The sun shone brightly, making the grass seem as if it was sparkling. He air felt warm and alive with excitement. A few lone birds could be heard chirping cheerfully in the distance. L sighed, and curled his toes through the dewy grass. It was a beautiful summer morning, and the children were all outside playing. B and L were currently sitting under a tree. L was reading How to Kill a Mockingbird, and B of course was reading Lord of the flies. B always liked to pick morbid books.

A soft breeze blew through his raven locks, and L leaned into the tree. The scratchy bark felt nice against his aching muscles. Mr. Wammy often scolded him for his sitting posture, but there was nothing he could say to L to make him stop sitting in that manner. L needed to think, after all. It’s what made him the best at what he did. His mind was his greatest tool.

He looked up from his book, and stared at the bright green leaves. They danced in the soft breeze, and one fell down onto his nose. Shaking his head, L turning to observe B. He then realized that something had distracted B from his book. He was glaring at something, and L turned his head to see what had caught B’s eyes. A few children were running towards him.

L grimaced, he hoped B would mind his manners. B made his dislike of others widely known. L didn’t even know why these children would think of approaching him, while B was in his presence,

*They must be rather brave.* The fifteen year old mused to himself. He heard B let out a disdainful sigh.

“Look out, here comes your fan club.” He whispered, mockingly. L saw B’s eyes narrow into tiny slits. 

“Hey L!” One of the children, a boy called X greeted him. L dipped his head in greeting, and offered a small smile. While he generally tended to avoid others, he at least attempted to be polite. Especially to the orphans. God knows that they had already been dealt a rough lot. And while children could be obnoxious, they usually only had good intentions. 

And all of the orphans treated him as a role model, after all. L knew he was admired by the children. So, obviously, he was going to do his best to act kind. 

“Hey L! Hiya BB!” Next, a girl called Linda addressed them. Linda was one of the most talented artists that L had ever known. By only seeing her work, you never would’ve guessed that she was only eight years young. Linda was excitable and out-going, but also knew how to be calm and soft-spoken. That was quite rare to find in children her age, and L appreciated that. One time, she had asked to draw a a picture of him. L had of course politely declined, he could have no record of his face anywhere. And instead of throwing a fit, Linda had simply nodded and asked if she could draw one of his cupcakes instead. L agreed, having nothing better to do than look over the notes of a robbery case. The art had come out beautifully, and it looked as realistic as a digital photograph. She had gifted it to L, and he had been so touched that he still kept the drawing in a small frame at his desk. 

“Hi X, Hi Linda.” L greeted. B only grunted in response. A small red-headed boy came up behind them, dodging a root that almost tripped him.

“Hi L, how are you?” Matt asked politely. His small grey gameboy dangled from his fingers. L smiled at the little five year old, and uttered a hello. Matt was relatively new to the orphanage, his parents had simply left him at a fire station because they apparently couldn’t be bothered to take care of him anymore. Or at least, that’s what their note had claimed. When Mr. Wammy had told L of this, L had felt rage fire up inside of himself. He didn’t understand why parents would bring innocent children into the world only to abandon them. It seemed rather childish, and quite cruel.

But Matt didn’t let this bother him. Or, maybe it was because of his tender age. Either way, Matt was always in high-spirits whenever L saw him. He was quite playful, and always tried to inspire games between the other orphans. But he also loved his game boy, a gift he had received at Christmas. Matt had asked L to play with him one time, and since L wasn’t busy at that moment, he had accepted the offer. And despite Matt being ten years his younger, the boy had easily bested him in every game. 

His green eyes sparkled with childish excitement. “I just beat level ninety-eight!” He boasted to L, puffing out his chest.

L nodded his head. “Well done Matt, that is very impressive.” Matt’s grin grew even wider across his freckled face, and he held a small hand out to give L a high-five. L chuckled, and put out his own hand to return the gesture. 

“What are you guys doing?” X asked out of childish curiosity. 

B snorted derisively. “Eating squirrels.” He told the boy, and bared his teeth. X looked quite unsettled, and laughed nervously.

“Do they taste good?” Matt questioned, an impish smirk on his face. 

“They taste like ass.” B retorted, making L softly hit his arm. B turned to glare at him, and L returned the favor.

“Don’t cuss.” He scolded. “They’re only kids.”

“I know what ass means.” Matt rolled his eyes. “It’s what B is.”

L could see B’s eyes bulge out of his skull. “What did you just say?” He snapped.

Matt shrugged. “It what Roger calls him, anyway.” He answered innocently. “He said that B’s an ass…an ass…a jack ass! Yeah! That’s what B is!” 

L paled, B looked furious. His red eyes bore into the small red-head with a deadly fire. “Well, Roger shouldn’t be using that kind of language to describe B.” He told the children, making a mental note to tell Mr. Wammy about it later. “That’s not polite, and B is certainly not a jack- well, what Roger called him.”

The children nodded, absorbing his words. L bookmarked his page and set his book down beside him.

“So, are you working on catching any more bad guys?” X asked excitedly.

L nodded. “I’m traveling to go catch one next week.” He told them. X clapped his hands excitedly.

“That’s so cool!” He gushed. “If anyone can catch them, it’s you L!”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” B suddenly demanded, making L look over at him. B’s mouth was turned down into a scowl. “What? You were planning on leaving me with no warning?”

L gulped nervously, he didn’t want B to fly into a rage in front of the children. “I just found out about it today.” He responded calmly. He tentatively placed a hand on the boy’s tense shoulders. “It won’t be long, I promise.”

“It better not.” B grumped. “And we WILL talk about this later!”

L sighed, of course they would. B always had to yell at L whenever things didn’t exactly go his way. In private, obviously. 

“L?” Linda’s soft voice interrupted the newfound tension between the two teenagers, making L turn his head to look at her. She shyly held out a small white flower. “Here, this is for you.”

“Thank you, Linda.” L smiled, and reached out to take the flower out of her outstretched hand. Bringing it closer to his own face, L could now see that it was a small daisy. He took it and gently placed it inside of the cover of his book. “It’s very pretty.”

She beamed and bowed her head slightly. “The flowers are really beautiful this time of year.” She told him. “I would’ve got you one too, B, but I remembered that you’re deathly allergic to flowers.”

L furrowed his eyebrows and turned to stare at B. What? B wasn’t in danger from any of the floral and fauna at Wammy’s house. B just nodded, a quite serious expression adorned his face. But L could see how his red eyes sparkled with deceit. 

“That’s right.” B confirmed, in a grave tone. “If I even so much as smell one, I’ll instantly burst into flames. Or, stop breathing or whatever happens when you’re allergic to something.”

“You can burst into flames if you smell flowers?” Matt questioned, sounding very confused.

“No, of course not.” L shook his head. “That was just one of B’s jokes.”

“Is not.” B argued. “Try it and see.”

“I don’t have to.” L retorted. “No one has ever spontaneously combusted from simply catching a whiff of a plant.”

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause I’m a special case.” B bragged, ripping up a leaf from between his fingers. “Now, why don’t you kids beat it?”

“B!” L scolded, feeling his ears heat up. *B can’t even develop a filter for five minutes?* He thought, sourly. All of the kids looked quite put out. Except for Matt, who’s attention had been dragged back to his gameboy. L could hear the tiny beeps imitating from the small machine. 

But, before he could rebuke B any further, a small blonde head entered his vision. The boy raced up, and slapped Matt on the back. “Hey guys.” Mello responded, casually. “What’s this, a tea party?”

“It’s a get lost party.” B spoke up before L could even open his mouth. “Go away, seriously. You cretins are invading my personal bubble.”

Mello frowned deeply, and his blue eyes swam with annoyance. L frowned, this wasn’t good. Mello was quite the spirited child. That was code for he had quite a nasty temper. Mello often fought a lot of the younger children at school and screamed at anyone who would even go near his chocolate. The rowdy six year old had nearly been thrown out several times, but had been saved by L’s interference. Because while Mello was naughty, L suspected that it was mostly due to his age. And Mello was extremely smart and cunning despite his age, and L could even see him as a potential successor. 

And Mello did get along with some of the children. Well, by children he meant Matt. The two had an inseparable bond that warmed L’s heart. He thought it would be quite cruel to separate the two. Matt seemed to be the only one who could get Mello to calm down. He had been Mello’s first friend, and L could tell how close they were. Sometimes, their bond reminded him of his and B’s. Except their’s was much more innocent.

But, since Mello and B had such similar personalities, this meant the two would often clash. B would pull sadistic pranks on the younger, and Mello responded with trying to beat the older boy up. And, despite the age difference, sometimes Mello had won those brawls. But whenever the two were in the same room, someone usually walked away with a black eye or a chipped tooth. And L didn’t want everyone’s sunny summer day to be ruined. And he didn’t want to have to sit in on another disciplinary hearing. 

“You’re weird.” Mello announced, slightly shaking his blonde locks away from his face. “We’re just standing here. You don’t own the tree, you know.”

“Of course I own it.” B growled. “I’m sitting the closest to it.”

L rolled his eyes, annoyed with B’s inane reasoning.

“That’s a dumb reason.” Mello told him. “You have to buy something to own it.”

“Who came up with that rule?” B inquired, folding his arms tightly across his chest. Mello just scowled. 

“I’m gonna stay right here.” Mello told the older boy stubbornly, stomping his foot into the grass. “You can’t tell me what to do B the baboon.”

B’s face reddened, and he shot up to his feet. L frowned, quickly standing up as well. B glared daggers at the young boy, but Mello didn’t flinch. He stuck his tongue out instead. “What did you call me?” B growled, ferociously. All of the other children slightly backed away.

“B the baboon.” Mello repeated. “Cause you look like a baboon.”

L swore he could hear B’s teeth grinding together. “I do not.” He argued. “Because baboons walk around on all fours, I do not walk around on all fours. Baboons also have brown fur and my hair is dark brown almost black and I have no fur. Also baboon’s faces look like Roger’s old wrinkled ass, and my face is handsome and perfect. And baboons are primates, and I am a human. They also live in Africa and I was born in France and live in England, I have never been to Africa so there!”

All of the other children looked completely dumbfounded by B’s speech, staring at the other boy awkwardly. But Mello wasn’t affected in the slightest, and cocked his head. “You look like a big monkey.”

“Aw, what? Did you learn about primates on your preschool field trip to the zoo?” B sneered. “If anyone looks like a monkey, it’s you. You look like a fucking orangoutang."

“B!” L protested. “Stop picking fights with the kids!”

But B didn’t pay him any mind. “Look at me, I’m yellow Mello and I’m just as stupid as a bloody orangoutang. Actually, DUH! Orangoutangs can do math better.”

“Hey! Leave him alone!” Matt interjected, looking up from his gameboy. “Mello’s plenty smart.”

B took a dangerous step towards the red-head, but Matt didn’t flinch. “Shut up.” He snapped down at the boy. “You look like a big, ugly, bald uakari!”

“B-“ L started warningly, placing a hand on the other boy's shoulder to pull him away. But B just shook his arm away, and spat at Matt’s shoes. Mello’s eyes brightened with righteous anger and he ran in front of his friend. He stood on his tip-toes, and glared into B’s fiery red orbs.

“Cut it out, you obnoxious bully!” Mello hissed. “Try hitting Matt and see how far that takes you.”

“Maybe I’ll just knock the piss outta you then!” B threatened, stepping so close that his chest shoved the smaller boy down and he nearly tumbled to the ground. Matt caught him, and stared hatefully up at B.

L could see that Mello’s small fists clenched, and the chocolate bar he was holding must’ve surely cracked under the pressure. “You’re gonna regret that!” Mello snarled, leaping up to attack the red-eyed teenager. 

L stepped forward to intervene, but before he could B suddenly snatched the chocolate bar Mello was holding out of his hand. Mello yelped, and started to beat on B’s chest. “Give that back!” He screeched. “It’s mine!”

“Fine.” B smirked, letting the treat fall onto the grass. But, before Mello could snatch it back, B’s foot suddenly came stomping down. Everyone watched in horror as his foot dug harshly into the ground, and his foot moved around to further push the chocolate into the ground. Mello stood in wide-eyed horror, looking shell-shocked. His mouth hung open as he watched his chocolate get destroyed. 

Chuckling, B slowly lifted his foot to reveal a smushed confection. “There you go.” He told the crestfallen boy cheerfully. “It’s all yours.”

“That was so mean.” Matt muttered, his usually bright green eyes filling with tears.

“What?” B shrugged, mock innocence drawn upon his features. A wicked glee filled his eyes as he took in Mello’s slouched posture. His blue eyes were trained sullenly to the ground. “Now it has that fresh grass taste, so it’s healthier.”

“B? A word?” L hissed thinly, barely concealing his rage. His was horrified and embarrassed at what B had just done. All of the children looked as if someone had just told them santa wasn’t real. Linda nervously wrung her hands, and X had a large frown covering his face. Matt’s tears were slowly trickling down his face, and Mello seemed to be frozen in a forever state of despair. 

“Sure, just a minute.” B called back. Then, to add further salt to the wound, he reached down to Mello’s rosary and snapped the relic off in a lightening-fast motion. L watched in horror as the small beads tumbled to the ground. The necklace has been ripped clean off of Mello’s neck. The mangled rosary was clutched firmly in B’s fist, broken in two. 

Mello's head snapped up, and he stared at B in shock. L could see how his bottom lip trembled, and soon small tears were collecting in his wide blue eyes. “That…that was my grandmother’s.” He whispered, and L felt his heart clench. He knew that Mello’s grandmother had raised him, before she had been killed by her partner. He felt himself shake with rage at B’s despicable actions. 

“How could you?” Mello yelled, and started rubbing his eyes furiously. Matt quickly came over to console the blonde, scowling at B while he wrapped his distraught friend in a hug.

“It’s okay.” Linda soothed, coming over to stand behind Mello. “Maybe I could fix it for you.”

“Yeah, great idea.” Beyond chortled, dropping what was left of the rosary by Mello’s feet. “Here, you can have it back.” His face was stretched wide with a sadistic grin as he watched the blonde sob quietly. 

“Beyond!” L barked out, forgetting himself. He never used B’s name, ever. Because even though B had asked him to use it, it was forbidden to utter real names at Wammy’s house. But L didn’t care in this moment. All he saw was red. He had never been as ashamed in B as he was today. And B’s laughter just made his anger grow tenfold. He felt his hands shake with anger as he balled them into fists.

He quickly stalked over the the dark-haired boy, and shook him violently. He didn’t care that other’s were present and he wasn’t even thinking about what B would retaliate with. All he was feeling right now was repulsion over what he had just witnessed. 

B stopped laughing, and just stared at L as he gripped his shoulder. He looked shocked, as if he hadn’t of expected L to call him out for his deplorable behavior. But L could feel searing fury run through his veins. 

“What you’ve just done is abhorrent!” He shouted. “It was cruel and sadistic, and I order you to apologize to Mello at once!”

B’s mouth opened wide in pure shock, and he forcefully ripped L’s hand away from his shoulder. “You can’t order me around baby boy.” He hissed. “You hear that? I do what I damn well please! I’m not apologizing to snot-nosed brats who are far below me! No way, no how.”

L flushed with embarrassment from the nickname, but did not stop glaring into B’s fearsome eyes. “You’ve destroyed a young boy’s family heirloom.” L whispered lowly. “And you were incredibly rude and offensive. I think all of the children deserve an apology.”

“Don’t make me laugh.” B sneered. “Kids need to learn how cruel and unpredictable life is, its the only way to prepare them. Mello needs to learn his place, just like you do.”

With that, he harshly grabbed onto L’s arm, and L could feel his nails digging into his flesh. “Inside, now.” He whispered, sounding dangerously calm. And that was the most horrifying sentence that L had ever heard. While B’s face seemed impassive and clam, L knew that it was all an act. It was a carefully crafted mask, created to hide his true intentions. But L could see through that mask as if it were see-through. B’s eyes swarmed with a deadly anger, and he looked like a murderer who was planning on exactly how to mutilate his next victim. 

And L felt as if his blood had been frozen into ice. Outwardly, he appeared stoic and apathetic. Internally, however, his mind was screaming at him to run as far away from B as he could. He knew what that look meant. That look promised suffering and misery. It promised retribution, retribution that would strike into L until B was satisfied. 

“Apologize.” He stated, his voice devoid of any emotion. But B just let a terrifying smile stretch across his face. For a moment, it appeared to mimic a chelsea smile.

“No.” 

Knowing that L was not going to willfully follow, B started roughly dragging him back to the house. L didn’t want to appear weak and frightened, so he complied. Though his legs felt wooden and stiff, he trudged behind B as if the boy was simply leading him. His heart was full of apprehension and he knew what was coming, but also knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it. He would just have to endure the bruises and violent fucking until B calmed down. 

L felt the stares of the children boring into him, and prayed that they would never have to feel this way. He tried to swallow the dread that was threatening to choke him. 

And the orphans watched as L and B returned to the house, being none the wiser of what was about to happen behind closed doors. L’s door always seemed to be closed. 

-

L sucked in a deep breath, and blew out the candles on the small cake that B had brought him. The small wisps of smoke twirled in the air until they vanished, and L stared hungrily at the small chocolate cake. Today was halloween, which meant that it was also his birthday. He was always grateful that his birthday fell on this holiday. Because, his favorite season happened to be fall. The chilly weather always ignited a flame of happiness inside of his soul. He loved to drink hot tea on his private balcony and watch the leaves change colors. 

Also, halloween was basically the national day of candy. L’s sweet tooth cheered with happiness every time the holiday would roll around. Mr. Wammy would always buy a few funsize bags of treats for the orphans. They would all then watch scary, but not too scary, halloween movies. And while they couldn’t necessarily go out and buy costumes, all of the kids at Wammy’s house were genii. They would all have fun getting creative with their costumes, and L loved to see what the children would dress up as.

He smiled as B sat across from him. He held a knife over his neck jokingly, and slowly imitated slitting his throat. L chuckled, shaking his head at B’s dark humor.

“Here.” B offered the knife to him, handle first thankfully. L took it a hastily sliced the cake in half, only he and B were going to be eating it after all. And he thought he was being quite generous in allowing B to have even a half.

“Happy Birthday.” B smiled at him softly and held his hand, making L blush. He shoved some of the cake in his mouth, and nearly moaned when the decadent confection hit his taste buds. It was rich, and moist, and oh so delicious. “How does it feel to be sixteen?”

L swallowed his giant bite, and had to retrain himself from taking another to answer B’s question. “Good.” He shrugged. “I don’t really feel different.”

B snickered, taking bite out of his own piece. “Yeah, i don’t get the big deal about birthday’s.” He talked with his mouth full, and L could see small crumbs fall onto his chin. “Though, I think you might be getting grey hairs.”

“Hey!” L scowled playfully, and reached out to wipe away the crumbs from B’s chin. B grabbed onto his hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing his palm softly. L blushed and looked into B’s eyes lovingly. 

“In two years, when you’re legal.” B began slowly, still clutching onto L’s hand. “We should elope.”

L felt his heart start beating furiously, and he smiled so hard that his cheeks began to ache. He felt like almost laughing out of happiness. “Are you serious?”

“‘Course I am.” B nodded. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small silver band. L felt his eyes widen. “I stole this from some random jewelry store the last time I went into town with Roger. No one caught me, heh.” B chuckled to himself. L wanted to scold B for his illegal actions, but he was too excited at the moment to care.

B carefully slid the ring onto L’s finger, and L felt a jolt of electricity run up his spine as the ring touched his skin. B looked down adoringly at L’s hand, before kissing it softly. “There.” He murmured. “Now you’re mine forever.”

“B.” L murmured, overcome with emotion. “I…I love you, so much.”

“And I love you.” B then leaned in to steal a kiss, but not before whispering heart stopping words against L’s lips. “I love you, as one loves another, whom one simply cannot do without. You’re my everything, darling.”

They embraced, and L clung onto to B tightly, snuggling into the man as close as he could get. He couldn’t see B’s eyes over his shoulder, as they gleamed maliciously. 

-

L’s vison blurred as another punishing slap was laid upon his bruised and bloodied face. He didn’t even know how he was still conscious. Everything hurt, but felt numb at the same time.

A horrifying crack could be heard as B’s fist made contact with his nose. He could feel it crunch under the force, but his screams died inside of his bruised throat. All he could see was red, and he couldn’t tell if that was from staring into B’s furious orbs or because blood was dripping into his eyes. 

“Have you learned your lesson yet?” L hardly heard B’s punishing growl. He cracked his eyes open, they were stained with drying blood. B's bloody fist tightened it’s grip around his neck yet again, and a strangled gasp for air slipped from the detective’s mouth. “I asked you a question, Lawli.”

L weakly lifted a hand to try and pry B’s away from his throat, but to no avail. He felt his eyes roll back into his head. His vision grew blotchy and an overwhelming sense of fear claimed him. *He’s finally going to do it. He’s finally going to kill me.*

He could feel how his mouth hung open as it desperately tried to get some form of protest out. He wanted to tell B to stop, he wanted to scream for Mr. Wammy. He couldn’t die, he just couldn’t. His chest ached from the ferocity in which his heart was beating. He wondered how long it would be until he was forced to endure the sounds of his own windpipe being snapped in two.

But by the grace of God, the pressure around his throat suddenly vanished. Sweet relief filled his bones as he felt hot tears slide down his smarting face. He gasped loudly, coughing so violently that he could feel how his mangled body shook. One his ribs which had surely been cracked wailed under the pressure that coughing brought, but L could help himself. He greedily drank in large gulps of air, and willed for his heart to calm. 

He felt hot breath hit his ear and shivered when he felt B’s sharp fangs ghost over the sensitive skin. “You’re so weak.” He murmured, and L could hear the malice coating his words. “I could’ve killed you right there, you know. I decide whether you live or die, because I’m your master.”

“B.” He wheezed out. His voice felt fried. “S-stop…”

“Where do you get off?” He angry voice demanded, and L felt another violent slap hit his face. He could feel something wet seep over his skin and knew that another cut must’ve been made. “You think you can stop this? There’s nothing you can do to control me! I decide when this will stop, because I OWN you!”

A whisper of a scream leaves his lips as he feels hands wrap around his skull and violently bash his head into the cold hardwood floor. A sharp agony spreads through his head, and it's a shooting pain that makes his entire body feel cold. His head seemed to explode with a blinding whiteness. The violence of it all made him reel, it made him feel as if he was half dead already. His eyes throb as more wet sadness pools inside of them. He can feel his heartbeat in his throat, and another sharp burst of pain hits him as his cheekbone is violently smacked. The pain shot across his face like a wildfire. 

“You’re nothing.” B hisses. “The only time you please me is when I can watch that delicious blood seep from your being.”

The pain shoots through his skin like needles that have been dipped in rubbing alcohol. Every part of his body aches, and he thinks that he may have to endure this suffering forever. He weakly flexes his hands, in an attempt to distract himself from his throbbing head. He faintly realizes that he has the metallic taste of iron in his mouth, and knows that he must’ve bitten his cheek at some point. He licks his lips, and feels more blood seep through a particularly deep gash. He looks up at B with his eyes half-lidded in suffering. Anger takes ahold of him for just a moment, and he spits up bloodied saliva into the other boy’s face.

He can feel himself fading, and watches as the bright red dots smear over B’s livid face. His eyes narrow, and he licks some of the wetness away from his lip. “You’re going to pay for that, you little abomination.” He whispers, promisingly.

He feels his head whip to the side, and feels his teeth involuntarily sink into his lip. Pain is all he can feel. Pain, pain, burning pain….

“B! Get off of him!”

Suddenly, a frightened voice of an older male has entered his senses. Mr. Wammy. L almost cries out of joy. He won’t die now, everything will be okay. B will be stopped.

“Hey!” B yelps, startled. L opens his eyes again to see that B has gotten off of him and has now backs himself into the corner of the room. “He attacked me first, I was just defending myself!”

L wants to scoff at the lie, but doesn’t have the energy. He is suddenly made aware of another person crouching behind him. He flinches when a soft hand is placed upon his shoulder. 

“L, my boy.” Mr. Wammy murmurs and L can hear his voice crack. “Oh my God, what happened? Are you awake?”

“I’m awake.” L confirms in a whisper. “It hurts.”

“What did you do?” Mr. Wammy yells, and L can hear his voice shaking with anger. “What have you done to him?”

“It’s not my fault!” B screams. “He’s evil!”

L can feel a weak laugh pass his lips, it’s hollow and full of misery. He weakly attempts to sit up, but falls back on his elbows. He can feel Mr. Wammy’s hand meet his back as he presents the boy from falling over completely. “Get him out.” He whispers. He can’t look at B right now, he can’t. Fear has filled his soul to the brim. He stares at the other boy sadly, and B’s hateful eyes makes his views fill with ice.

B actually looks as if he wants to cut his heart out.

“Come on L, tell him the truth!” B snapped. “You were hitting me first!”

“Then where are your bruises?” Mr. Wammy demands. “Where are your cuts? All I can see are that your hands are stained with L’s blood.”

“He attacked me first.” L states, surprised with how calm his voice comes out. Because, he is done. He doesn’t want to protect B anymore. He fears the next time B gets upset with him, that L actually will be beaten into a bloody pulp. He is terrified of his lover, and leans into Mr. Wammy. Because he can protect him from this evil. And L can’t do it anymore, he just can’t. He never wants to hurt this badly again.

“You fucking liar!” B screams, and points a bloodied finger at him. “Don’t believe him Quillish! He wants to destroy me, look what he’s done!”

“You’re done.” Mr. Wammy growls. “You’re out of this school, do you hear me?”

“What?” B screams. He starts grabbing at his hair violently, and knocking his back violently against the wall. “You can’t do this to me! Over this? Over him? I’m innocent I tell you! You cannot take this away from me! I own this house!”

“I own this house!” Mr. Wammy snaps. “And you’ve nearly killed him! I will not tolerate this, I will not allow L to be hurt any longer. This has been coming for a while, B. I’m done with your vile behavior.”

“NO!” He shrieks. “No, no, no! This is what he wants, can’t you see that? He’s destroying me just like he destroyed A?”

“What?” L gasps, shock coursing through his body. What is B going on about? He didn’t do anything to A!

“That’s right baby boy!” B yells. “Take some goddamn responsibility for what you’ve done. You and this whole decrepit house drove him to die! You all destroyed his soul, you’re all bastards!”

“B.” Mr. Wammy’s voice sounds deadly. “You’d best leave right this second.”

“Hell no! He should hear this. Because, it looks like the cat’s out of the bag now, huh? Why should we hide what this is anymore? We shouldn’t hide it, should we L? Every filthy secret should be brought out into the open for all to see!” And B lets out a bark of crazed laughter. He laughs so loud, so violently, that he has to lean against the wall for support. L can see how his body shakes. 

“B? What are you saying?” L demands. B turns his head and fixes him with a smirk, the devil’s smirk. It covers his entire face, and L can see how his teeth clench together painfully. His eyes widen and look down at him with pure hellfire. He looks maniacal. 

“I’m saying that you fucking took away the only person I ever loved.” B chokes out between spurts of laughter. L can’t tell if he’s genuinely laughing or just hyperventilating. “An eye for an eye, that’s what the bible says right? L deserves to feel the same agony that I felt the day I walked in on A. Can you even imagine? I could flay you alive and it still wouldn’t compare to the sight of A lying lifeless in a pool of his own blood!"

“L is treated like fucking royalty, even after all of the pain and suffering he’s brought to this godforsaken house. A lost his life because of YOU! He lost his soul because of YOU!” B continues on, now screaming at the top of his lungs. The noise makes L’s very bones shake. “Why does everyone care about precious Lawli! He’s NOTHING! He’s a fucking snake in the grass, who waits to devour his prey whole. L survives solely off of our misery, and never suffers for anything! I’m the only one who can punish him, I’m the only one who can serve righteous justice! He took my Alexandar away so it’s only bloody right that I be given permission to rip out his very soul!"

“B, calm down.” Mr. Wammy commands. “A was sick, L didn’t do anything-“

“Shut your horrid mouth Quillish!” B shouts. “L doesn’t need his false daddy to protect him, he’s Satan in the flesh! I HATE him! I hate him, I hate him, I FUCKING hate him!”

“B-“ L’s voice falters, and he feels more tears fall down his cheeks. The cold tears sear his hot flesh. He cannot tell what is worse, the physical pain or the emotional agony.

“A wasn’t sick!” B continues, and L can see saliva dripping from his wide mouth. “He was brilliant, and perfect, and good! God, how he was good. L took all of that away, and A is no more! I was left with the dark angel, while my true love was made to rot in the ground with the worms! That’s not fair, and L needs to die!”

“B, I will call the police if you don’t leave this second.” Mr. Wammy threatens, but L can feel how the older man trembles against him. He clutches onto Mr. Wammy’s hand tightly, afraid that if he lets go B will drag him straight to hell. B has never looked so evil. His crazed eyes roll back into his head as he starts chortling again. 

“Call them!” He gasps. “They can’t do anything to me, I’m untouchable! The world is broken, and nothing will be made right until L’s eyes stare back at me lifelessly. It’s the only way to avenge A, It’s the only way his soul can move on! I see him, you know.”

“B-“ Mr. Wammy tries to interrupt the crazed boys ramblings, but B’s loud ranting drowns him out.

“He’s still with me! He follows me everywhere, he sleeps in my bed! His soul is tormented and he cannot move on until L’s vile soul is snuffed out from existence!” B roars. “He tells me ‘You’re the only one who can help me now, B’ Because I am! I was the only one who ever cared about him. He’s apart of my soul, and L took that from me!”

“You never..loved me?” L asks slowly, not even knowing why he’s asking. As much as it pains him to believe, B’s speech has just opened a nasty can of worms. All of the pieces start falling together, and everything makes so much sense. He feels as if his soul has just been torn from his body. Poison fills his veins, and he feels himself violently tremble. 

This man wasn’t his savior, he was the murderer. 

“Love you? HA! What a horribly unfunny joke!” B sneers. “I hate everything about you, my dear Lawliet. The only way I could ever be happy is if you died a horribly gruesome death. I want to tear you limb by limb, I want to drink your BLOOD! I could never love you, not if you were the last man alive on earth!”

“You….bastard.” L chokes out. “How could you?”

“The truth hurts, doesn’t it Lawli!” B screams. “Everything is pain, and everything is suffering. Welcome to hell, the loneliest place on earth! You sinful, horrid, absolute fucking demon! You’re a demon, do you hear me! FUCK YOU!”

And B’s sinister laughing suddenly turns into bone-chilling screaming. He shrieks and the sound scraps at L’s battered heart. He begins to violently strike the wall, hitting and pounding so fiercely that a small hole begins to form. The whole room seems to shake from B’s anger and he begins scratching down the wall, all the while bawling obscentities. “Hate him! He’s evil, no good, evil, no good. He’ll kill me, he’s ruined me!”

L sees small trails of red blood appear from where B has been raking his fingers against the wall. 

L can’t take it anymore. The despair threatens to choke him, and he feels himself begin to gasp for air. He cannot take the way that the pain is squeezing his heart. He lets out his own wailing cry.

“GET OUT!” He shrieks at the top of his lungs. His voice has reached such a high-pitched volume that L is surprised that the windows don’t simply shatter. “GO AWAY AND NEVER RETURN! GET OUT!”

B hits the wall one more time, and his fist goes right through. If he is feeling any pain, he doesn’t show it. His red eyes narrow maliciously and he takes a dangerous step closer.

“B!” Mr. Wammy shouts. “Leave this second, or I will kill you myself!”

“Gladly.” B whispers, so lowly that L almost doesn’t catch it. “You loose, L.”

With that, B hastily dashes out of the room, and L feels a shiver run through him as B walks past him. 

“L..?” Mr. Wammy whispers. But his voice sounds as if he is far away.

L feels as if he is not himself in this moment. Everything he thought was true has been destroyed. He has been defiled, deceived, tricked, and abused. Everything he thought he knew about B was a filthy lie. The man hates him, and L has no one. The one person he thought would never hurt him has just plunged a dagger into his chest and twisted his heart out. Because he was holding the knife the whole time. 

He has nothing. But he feels everything.

He feels as if he is drowning in a sea of despair. 

And he leans into Mr. Wammy, and lets all of his heartbroken sobs leave his lips. He is shaking and hyperventilating and crying with the pain of a thousand men. He clutches onto Mr. Wammy’s shirt tightly and feels himself become enveloped in a warm embrace. Mr. Wammy tells him that it’ll all be okay.

But he knows he has lost everything. His soul is not his, not any longer. It has been tainted by B. B has injected this loathsome poison into his veins, and he knows that B has killed him today. He has stolen a part of L. And no matter what happens after, L knows that today B has claimed victory. L is all alone in this dark and dreary world, he has no one to call his own.

B has sucked out every last drop of his love, and thrown it straight into hell.

-

“Can you ever forgive me?’ Mr. Wammy asks quietly, as he swabs one of L’s cuts. “For allowing this to happen?”

L grimaces as the rubbing alcohol burns the torn flesh. He is sitting in the small hospital room that Wammy’s house possesses. Luckily, he hadn’t of walked away with any broken bones. He has dark purple and black bruises adorning every part of his body. Especially his face. Both of his eyes are no longer black with sleeplessness, but from broken blood vessels. The cuts have been bandaged and L feels somewhat like a mummy. Mr. Wammy has already determined that he does not have any brain damage. But L’s head still throbs. 

“It’s not your fault.” L tells him, biting his cut lip slightly. Mr. Wammy has given him something for the pain, but it hadn’t of helped much. “I should’ve said something, I suppose.”

“How long has it been happening?”

L swallows. “Three years.” He admits. He feels shame envelope him as he realizes how foolish he has been. He shouldn’t of allowed things to go this far. he shouldn’t of allowed B to use and manipulate and bruise him continuously. Mr. Wammy has told him that he was abused. And L knows this to be a fact. He knows what abuse is, and he knows what B did wasn’t right.

But, though the rational side of his brain accepts this, the tainted part protests. Because, he still cannot believe that B was using him. He feels dumbfounded at the truth that B never loved him. He feels hollow, and hates that he can’t shake away the feeling. After all this time, he still doesn’t fully accept how much B has destroyed him.

Because, he loved the man with his whole being. He adored him with every fiber of his soul. He truly believed that B just had anger issues, and that he took it out on L because he wasn’t good enough. He had truly thought that all of B’s beatings and assaults had been simple punishments. He wants to smack his already aching head for allowing himself to be fooled. He thought he could fix B, and oh how misguided that thought was.

Because, he could take B’s anger when he thought that it wasn’t real. He could bear it all with the knowledge that despite everything, B loved him with his whole heart. But he knows that it was all a lie. B hated him, B hated him with everything the red-eyed boy possessed. 

He feels Mr. Wammy’s hand still on his cheek. “Three years?” He parrots softly, disbelief coloring his voice. “Oh, L. My sweet boy, how did no one notice?”

L closed his eyes. “This was the worst it’s ever gotten." He whispered. “I guess I could just hide it before.”

“How could you endure it?” Mr. Wammy asks grimly. “How did you survive?”

L shrugs listlessly. “I thought B was simply troubled.” He reveals. “I thought that I could save him.”

“B is deeply disturbed.” Mr. Wammy all but spits. “He will be removed from this establishment effective immediately, and will be sent to a mental health hospital for treatment. He will never hurt you again, I swear it.”

L nods, but the thought isn’t of much comfort. B has already hurt him beyond measure. 

“I-I’m so sorry.” Mr. Wammy apologizes again. “I should’ve known.”

L’s eyes shoot open and he shakes his head vehemently. No, he cannot have Mr. Wammy, the only pure soul he’s ever known, to be plagued by guilt. He doesn’t deserve that. “No, don’t take this burden on.” L slightly scolds. “I should’ve known better.”

“You were a child.” Mr. Wammy responds sorrowfully. “He abused you, you didn’t know any better.”

“That’s true.” L sighs. “But, I know better now.” *Don’t I?* He thinks, privately.

Because, even after everything, he would love nothing more than for B to wrap him in a soothing hug. He wishes that those warm arms would embrace him tightly. He wishes that B would tell him that this was all a bad dream, and that this whole day had never happened. He wishes B would assure him that he did love him, and all he wants is for the red-eyed boy to whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

But he would never allow B to come anywhere near him again. Because, he knows those arms would most likely strangle him. 

“You will be safe.” Mr. Wammy assures quietly. “I will die before I let anyone hurt you again, I swear it. You have gone through so much, my boy.”

L nods.

“You didn’t deserve it at all.” Mr. Wammy tells him. He begins bandaging his bruised arm. “This is B’s sin, not yours. You did nothing wrong. He just has a filthy soul, and is determined to ruin others. He is a sadist in every sense of the word.”

L nodded and smiled a grim smile. Yep, that was B. He was just a sadistic and cruel individual. L knew he was B’s victim, and he knew that he would never allow himself to become that helpless ever again. The love he had had for B was slowly turning into a horrible hatred. 

“Do…you.” L swallowed painfully. He had to rid his mind of these nasty doubts, once and for all. “Do you think he ever loved me?”

“I don’t think B knows how to love.” Mr. Wammy told him sadly, and L saw those wise brown eyes glisten with tears.

L nodded, and stared straight ahead at nothingness. 

“L….” Mr. Wammy turns away and clutches the table next to him. L sees his shoulders begin to shake. “I-I can’t even imagine the suffering you’ve gone through. I’m so sorry, I should’ve never allowed that beast inside of these walls.”

L hears the old man’s voice break, and feels his heart shrivel. Tears collect in the corners of his own eyes, and he furiously blinks them away. “You couldn’t of known.” He assures, not wanting Mr. Wammy to cry because of his own dreadful miscalculation.

“And I’m sorry for A too.” Mr. Wammy says, his voice thick from crying. “I fear that I’ve pushed these children too far.”

“A was troubled, he had severe mental health issues.” L argued. “This isn’t your fault, you cannot blame yourself for his death.”

“But we didn’t help him, we didn’t see how sick he was.” Mr. Wammy chokes out. “I should’ve gotten him help, I-I should’ve eased the pressure he was under. Somehow. I should’ve known that the work was too much for him. He shouldn’t of shouldered that burden, no child should have to endure that kind of mental strain.”

L swallowed a painful lump in the back of his throat. “Maybe the workload and the pressure didn’t help.” L agreed. “But, I could handle it. This is a school full of genii, the house holds the most advanced minds on the planet. It’s not your fault that A couldn’t. It’s no one’s fault. A’s death is simply a symptom of life, it is a symptom of depression. If he hadn’t of been at Wammy’s, perhaps he met his demise differently. Who can say? I think only A knows why he did what he did.”

“I don’t want there to be another A, or another B.” Mr. Wammy whispers. “Has this orphanage just been a giant mistake?”

L’s eyes widen, and he feels his stomach sink. “No!” He protests, loudly. “Mr. Wammy, don’t you dare think that for a second. This orphanage has saved so many children. It saved ME! Without you, I-I’d be dead.” He closes his eyes, and feels a wetness on his face. He quickly dabs away the fallen tears from his bandages. “There are so many happy children here, who are doing what they love. Just because there were a few bad apples, doesn’t mean the whole orchard is rotten.”

Mr. Wammy doesn’t reply, so L speaks again.

“You’re a good man, Mr. Wammy.” He whispers softly. “Don’t ever think otherwise.”

Mr. Wammy suddenly turns around and nods, and L can see small tear trails upon his wrinkled face. L opens his arms limply, and Mr. Wammy pulls him into a hug. He buries his head in the man’s shoulders, and allows Mr. Wammy to gently rub his back.

“These kids will be taken care of properly, from now on.” Mr. Wammy tells him. “No more will I allow them to become overwhelmed. They don’t deserve that, they deserve to be happy. Mental health must become the primary focus, and I’ll make sure Roger knows not to overwhelm them as well. Thing will be different around here, I promise.”

L nods, accepting Mr. Wammy’s words. “Without B.” He murmurs, thoughtlessly. Mr. Wammy pulls away and holds his shoulders, staring into his eyes meaningfully.

“That brute will never be allowed to hurt anyone again.”

L nods. No matter how much he thought he loved B, he knows that he must block out those feelings. They are rotten, poisonous things that could lead to his own demise. Loving B is loving evil. And L will not allow B to sully his mind even further. He won’t let B win, he won’t let B be the one who kills him. L wanted, no, needed to survive this.

All of his love had been for nothing at all. L knows this, and vows to be wiser in the future. He will never let his heart be compromised ever again. He will be stronger than absurd feelings such as love or affection. Because, to love someone means to become completely helpless. Love made you vulnerable, and confused. It hid the nasty truth from you. The truth was covered by saccharine deceit and the promise of companionship. L shouldn’t have been this grossly tricked, he was L for God’s sake! He should’ve known better. he never wanted to feel this defeated ever again.

So, in the future, he would know better. He wouldn’t trust any of those deceptive demons that posed as lovers or friends.

Because if he couldn’t trust B, who could he trust? B was a monster, and the worst kind. He was a lying monster. He had no soul and he had no compassion. L wondered if he was even human at all. He used others, and threw them away once they were broken. And while he acted as if he had a heart, his chest must surely be devoid of one. He was a talented actor, he was a conman through and through. He was a siren, who led sailors to their death with his sweet promises. B was filled with nothing but rot and despair. L knew if he ever encountered a monster like B again, he would most likely be eaten by it.

To defeat monsters, one had to become one.

-

“L?” He heard a terribly familiar voice whisper. “Lawli? I need to talk to you.”

L pried his eyes away from the laptop screen balanced on his lap to stare at who had just entered his room. The clock on the wall read two o’clock pm. It was the dead of night, and not even crickets were chirping.

“What?” L asked testily, his muscles involuntarily stiffening. 

“I-I need to apologize.” B whispered, he wrung his hands together nervously. “I said a bunch of awful things earlier, and I didn’t mean them. I didn’t think before I spoke and I know how much that must’ve hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” L asked incredulously. “No, no that didn’t quite hurt me. But the broken nose, and the black eyes, and all of the other injuries you gave to me today, yeah those hurt quite a lot.”

“You just made me upset.” B defended. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I-I just lost myself.”

“Save it.” L all but growled. “You made how you feel perfectly clear. How did you get out of your room, anyway? I thought Roger locked you in.”

B smiled a wicked smile, which L did not return. “I know how to pick locks. Roger’s a imbecile if he thinks a locked door can keep me caged.”

L narrowed his eyes, and bit his already bleeding thumb. He was surprised there was any skin left, he had been chewing on the finger all night. “You should go to bed.” He told B. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“That’s a lie.” B scoffed. “I know you’re upset, but-“

“No!” L interrupted, loudly. Hearing the emotion that had entered his voice, he cursed himself. B would surely attack if he heard L was vulnerable. Emotions would only encourage the red-eyed boy to approach him. No, L had to act disinterested in B. He had to act as if he didn’t care.

“I’m not upset.” L continued. “I’m done. Tomorrow you’ll be sent away to a mental health facility, and that will be that.”

“Fuck that.” B sniffed. “No, I won’t allow them to throw me in some padded room and dope me up on funny pills. I’m not mad!”

L just continued staring at him. He truly felt numb. 

“I’m running away.” B whispered devilishly. 

L knew he should’ve felt something tug at his heart strings, but it was only more grief. The only thing that had kept him and B together was love, and that was now broken beyond repair. He couldn’t feel anything for the boy in front of him besides fear and hate. And these were quite strong emotions. They drowned out his wailing heart. 

“And, I want you to come with me!” B exclaimed, excitedly. L widened his eyes and almost snickered. He would’ve, if the situation was not as serious as it was. B truly was mad if he thought that he would be able to convince L to go anywhere with him. 

“I will not be doing that.” L scoffed. B’s eyes widened, and the red orbs filled with shock. 

*I suppose I’ve never said no to him before.* L mused. *He must be quite puzzled.*

“Don’t be like this Lawli.” B groaned dramatically. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, okay? is that what you want? A bloody apology?”

“I don’t need anything from you, B.” L sighed. “I just want you gone. I don’t care where you go or what you do, just as long as it doesn’t involve me.”

“But we’re soulmates!” B yelled, making L flinch. “You love me and I love you, yeah?”

“But you don’t love me.” L snapped. “And…I don’t love you. I can’t, not anymore.”

“'Can’t?’” B repeated. “Or won’t?”

“Both.” L spat. “I won’t be condemned to loving a monster. Your love would kill me.”

“That’s so dramatic!” B hissed. “What, because we got into an argument? Why should that change anything? That shouldn’t change our feelings for each other!”

“It wasn’t an argument B.” L told him, his voice devoid of any emotion. “You were violently attacking me. Then, when caught, you completely lost it. You revealed how you really felt about me. You blamed me for an innocent boys death, and said that you wanted to kill me! And you just expect me to ignore that? Do you hear yourself?”

“I didn’t mean to say those things.” B argued. His eyes were full of contrite but L knew better. “But you really aren’t going to ruin what we have because your feelings got hurt, right? You said you're mine, forever and ever.”

“But I’m not yours. Not anymore.”

“Lawli-“ B started, moving closer to the bed. But this action alarmed L and he immediately reached over and pulled his cellphone off of the nightstand. He crouched on the bed and tensed, ready to attack if B tried anything. 

“Don’t come any closer.” He warned, and B stopped in his tracks. “I’ll call Mr. Wammy if you try to touch me.”

“Okay!” B exclaimed, throwing his hands up in what should’ve come across as reassuring. But it just reminded L of how deadly those hands were and he narrowed his eyes, and willed his heart to calm down. It was beating furiously, and L felt adrenaline course through his veins. “Okay, calm down L. Don’t do anything rash now.”

“Go.” L ordered. B shook his head.

“Not until you agree to come with me!” He argued. L brought the phone up and waved it in the air.

“If you don’t leave within the next thirty seconds, Mr. Wammy will be notified.” L hissed. “Go on and run away, no one will stop you.”

B’s eyes filled with anger, and L willed himself not to wither under that gaze. B couldn’t hurt him, not now. He tried to remind himself of this and cursed his hands when they began to slightly tremble. 

“You said you would never leave!” B accused, pointing a finger. This made L flinch again, and he thought he saw a ghost of a smirk on B’s pale face. But he blinked and it was gone, replaced by a fearsome scowl. 

“I didn’t.” L snapped. “You are.”

“But I don’t want to.” B insisted. “Not without you.”

“I don’t even want to look at you!” L snapped, venomously. “You are a fucking liar. You’re cruel, and hateful, and dangerous. I don’t want you to be apart of my life in any capacity. I’ve broken your spell, Beyond. I finally see the real you. And the real you is a green-eyed monster, filled with hate for me.”

“So what?” B demanded. “You’re abandoning me?”

“Stop trying to manipulate me!” L shouted, finally at his wits end. His legs ached from the uncomfortable crouching position he was in, but he didn’t dare sit down. he couldn’t let his guard down, not around B. “I can’t fucking stand you. I don’t want to be with you, or even know you for that matter. Is that clear enough? Now leave, before I call Mr. Wammy.” To prove that he was serious, L pressed a number on the keypad sharply.

This finally got B’s attention. His eyes filled with unholy rage, and L could see that he had clenched his fists. He shook his head wildly and spit towards the bed. But L paid him no mind, and continued to stare at him with those dead eyes of his. 

“You’ll regret this, Lawli.” B spit, backing up towards the door. “I’ll make you regret it, yeah? You’ll come crawling back one day, I know you will. I’ll go out and be better than you, and maybe that’ll finally get your attention. What do you think of that? Pretentious prick, you aren’t as great as you think!”

L let B continue on with his ramblings, not letting a single sound pass from his lips.

“This is your last chance!” B threatened. “Come with me now, or I’ll leave forever.”

L averted his eyes to the window, and stared at the moon. It was a full moon, and it seemed to glow brighter tonight. The silence that filled the room was the loudest silence L had ever heard. He didn’t dare look back at B. 

It seemed like hours had passed before L finally heard the sound of his door slamming shut. It closed so harshly that L could feel the bed tremble from underneath him. He looked back to where B had been, but the space was empty. The room was empty, it was just him now. Him, alone, forever. B was gone and wouldn’t be coming back.

Though L somehow knew that wasn’t the last he would see of Beyond Birthday. B had said they were each other’s fate, after all. And L knew that one day, one of them would die at the hands of the other. And he knew that he wouldn’t let B kill him. He wouldn’t allow B to triumph over him. B would suffer dearly for what he had done to L.

But, still, L sank onto his bed and allowed the tears to flow freely. He made no sounds, he just clutched his face in his hands. He cried his heart out, until there were no more tears left.

-

It had been two years, but L had finally found him. He was currently standing outside of an old condo in Pasadena, California. He knew for a fact that he would meet Rue Ryuzaki, or rather, Beyond Birthday in this condo. 

When B had first disappeared, L hadn’t of searched for him. He hadn’t of wanted to. He had mourned the loss of his lover for approximately two days before he had buried himself in his work. He busied himself with cases, and didn’t allow himself to dwell on B. The red-eyed boy had, overtime, turned into a distant memory. He had almost seemed like a bad dream. But L bore the mental scares everyday as proof of B’s existence. He had just learned to hide them better.

The love he had held for B had faded faster and faster with each passing day, until it had simply disappeared all together. Mr. Wammy had made L visit a therapist to talk through his issues, but L had only told the doctor the basics. He knew he could deal with his problems on his own. He had learned to turn love into hate. He had stewed in all of his abusive memories until his heart had been sufficiently hardened. Then he buried those memories away, so that they would not bother him anymore. But his hatred for B always remained.

But a month ago, he had been notified of a case. The Wara Ningyo Murders. He had taken the case, knowing immediately that Beyond was the killer. B had always had a fascination with the Wara Ningyo curse. He had once made a crude replica of one of the little dolls, and hung it above his bed. L knew this was B sending him a message, a challenge. L knew this was just a desperate call for his attention. B had said he would be greater than him, after all. And L knew that B wanted to create a case that even he wouldn’t be able to solve.

So, L had taken the bait. But, he hadn’t of given B what he wanted right away. He found a FBI agent called Naomi Misora, who had recently been suspended. But L had looked at her files and knew that she would be a worthy proxy. And he didn’t want the police to know who B was, not yet. So, he sent Naomi to find Beyond for him. But, it had been much easier than he had thought. For a few days after she had started investigating, Naomi had called to tell him that another private detective was working on the case.

His name was Rue Ryuzaki. He had wild black hair, and blood red eyes. He wore tattered jeans and a plain white long sleeve shirt. He ate jam with his fingers, and sat in a weird crouching position. He crawled on all fours and had the darkest black under eye circles that she had ever seen.

That was Beyond, all right. He had decided to hide in plain sight. He had decided to play with Naomi, to lead her to the fourth murder. And L had already deduced that Beyond himself would be the fourth murder. It was such a ludicrous thought, most would have laughed it off. Why would the serial killer want to kill himself?

Because, then, the murders would stop. No killer would ever be caught. There were no records of Beyond Birthday anywhere. If he died, the case would die with him. And no one would be able to solve it. B would win. But L was about to destroy Beyond’s plan. He was going to claim his victory, no matter the cost. He would see to it that B was brought to justice, no matter what it took.

L had told Naomi not to show up tonight. He couldn’t have her figuring out his plan. She had done enough, after all. She had led him to B’s exact location. He had told the FBI agent that it was much too dangerous to go anywhere near where the killer might be. He had told her that he was planning on bringing the killer into custody, and that he would contact her to tell her her next move. Which would be, never. Naomi had served her purpose.

L twisted the door handle and was quite surprised to find that the condo was unlocked. L smirked, this was almost too easy. B wanted his body to be found. He wanted to have the most glorious suicide ever. What a joke. 

*He’s gone completely mad.* L thought to himself, as he shut the door behind him. He knew that while B was a narcissist, killing himself to spite L was exactly the kind of move he’d pull. If he was desperate enough, that is. L couldn’t imagine the B he had known two years ago ever thinking about killing himself. 

But he wasn’t at all surprised to learn that B was now a criminal. And not just any criminal, he had become a brutal serial killer. L had grimaced while looking over the crime scene photos. They were grotesque, and looked like the exact type of thing that Beyond would take pleasure in doing. He loved blood and gore, after all. And crushing out a thirteen year old girl’s eyes? Only B would do something that horrific. 

But L was extremely pleased that B was now a criminal in the law’s eyes, and not just his own. Now, he could punish B in whatever way he saw fit. He could lock him up in a cold jail cell forever and throw away the key. He could prosecute B, and throw the book at him. And L relished the idea of seeing B in a cage, with the look of defeat welling up in his maniacal red eyes.

L was going to play with B first, though. No, he didn’t want his darling beast to be locked away just quite yet. He wanted to hurt B in the same way that the man had hurt him. He wanted to see B cry, he wanted to see him bleed. He wanted B’s spirit to be completely broken by the time he was done with him. And L knew he was up for the task. He had grown since two years ago. He had grown wiser, and colder. He had grown into a monster himself, but he was a monster who served justice. 

Mr. Wammy had protested, and told him it would be too dangerous to confront B on his own. But, L knew nothing bad would happen to him. While, yes, there was a small chance B could kill him, that percentage was very low in L’s mind. For B to commit a series of theatric murders that were so clearly a ploy for L’s attention, he surely must’ve lost the plot completely. L had seen a chip in B’s mask the night he had left, and had seen the insanity begin to slowly leak out. L suspected that all of his sanity was nothing more than a faint memory. B had nothing, now. No longer was he destined to be L’s successor. No longer did he have any credibility. He was a nothing and a nobody. 

L knew that he could beat him. And Mr. Wammy knew that he could not deter L. When L wanted something, he took it. And right now, he wanted B’s soul. 

All of the rooms were empty besides one, the bedroom. Sighing, L pulled a key out of his pocket. He knew how the murders worked, of course. He also knew that he had approximately two minutes before B would attempt to murder himself. So, he had a key made specifically to open up the lock. 

Wasting no time, he stuck the key in the lock and turned. He stared at the dark green door in anticipation before pushing it away. He knew what he was about to see, and he wasn’t scared.

The room was dark, it was only lit by a small lamp. The bed spread was mussed and pillows were on the floor. A small desk with a mountain of books on top sat in the corner. The walls were painted a soft blue and L could hear the crows cawing. 

And L looked to the corner of the room. There, with a box of matches and a can of gasoline in hand, stood Beyond Birthday. His eyes had flicked up when he heard the door open, and his bright red orbs landed on L’s stoney grey ones. His eyes widened in shock, and the gasoline can had dropped to the floor with a loud thud. B’s mouth hung up, and he cocked his head. He stared at L as if he were a ghost. 

*He decided to dress up as me, cute.* L mused to himself. Yes, the two men were currently dressed identically. Except B’s white shirt had red stains on the front, which L hoped were from strawberry jam. His hair had been dyed pure black, and looked like L’s in every way. It had even been cut the same! B slouched over exactly how L did, and wasn’t even wearing shoes. It was disturbing, L felt as if he was looking into a funhouse mirror. 

The only difference, of course, were the eyes. B’s blood red eyes could never look like his, no matter how much eyeliner he put under them to achieve the look of sleeplessness. That was the only distinguishing feature. That, and their minds. L’s mind was sharp and whole. And B’s was shattered into pieces. 

“W-who are you?” B asked, his voice trembling. L almost laughed. Oh, this was just too good. Beyond looked like a complete wreck. He was scared out of his mind, and probably thought he was hallucinating. 

“B? It’s L. Do you remember me?” L asked softly, letting a small smile grace his face. 

“Lawli?” Beyond whispered, and L cursed that the man still knew his name. B definitely needed to die. “Is…is that really you?”

“It’s me.” L told him, stepping into the room. He crossed over to where B was standing. The man looked like a frightened deer, but he didn’t flinch when L came to stand before him. He looked so much frailer than L had remembered. “B, what have you done?”

“L.” He whispered, as if the letter filled him with solace. “I knew that you’d come for me.”

“I had to.” L whispered. “You’re a wanted criminal.”

“I had to beat you somehow.” B mumbled. “But, I guess you’ve figured it out huh?”

“I have.” L nodded. “I knew it was you the moment I heard about this case.”

“Great.” B mumbled. “I’m still not as smart as you, that’s just great. I’ve gone to all this trouble and I still come out broke.”

“Don’t say that.” L scolded. “I always told you that we shared the same mind, didn’t I?” Yes, maybe they had once. But L knew that B’s mind had been warped beyond repair. 

B’s red eyes filled with tears. If L wasn’t a practiced liar, he would’ve started demanding where the real Beyond was. B had only ever cried as a way to manipulate L But, L knew this wasn’t a trick. No, B truly was broken. He could see insanity clouding those red orbs. 

“I’ve really fucked up.” He mutters, tears sliding down his face. “I-I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“We need to leave, B.” L told him, faux urgency in his voice. He grabs the other’s wrist and frowns as his fingers run over thin, raised lines. Ah, no matter. “You’re coming with me.”

B’s eyes narrow suspiciously. “Why? I’m not going to jail L, I won’t survive there!”

“I’m not taking you to jail.” L tells him. He tucks a lock of black hair behind his ear, and kisses his cheek softly. “I’m hiding you. We’ll run away together, isn’t that what you always wanted?"

The dark-haired boy looks at him, mistrust written clearly all over his face. “Y-you aren’t mad…this isn’t like you, Lawliet?”

"I love you!" L passionately insists. "No matter what you have done, it will be solved. Don’t you want to be saved? You know how powerful I am, I can protect you. You will have to trust me, can you do that?”  
"I thought you hated me.” B mumbled. “You’ve told me so. You’ve always said that I was horrific towards you-“

"In the past, darling.” L interrupts. The two stare each other down. Ones eyes are full of sadness and uncertainty. The others read as sincere and comforting.

He knows how broken, how destroyed this man has become. And he also knows all of his tricks. He will use those, and some of his own, to bring him down.

"You don’t hate me?" He murmurs hesitantly, and L steps forward to take his hand. The same hand that has smeared blood over his own body, the one that has hurt him an immeasurable amount of times. This hand will soon be bound and chained. But, L will have some fun first.

"I’m tired of hating." He tells him, feigning honesty. ‘I only wish to be with you. As you said, we are each other’s fate.”

“Do you really mean it?” B whispered. “You love me?”

“I always have.” L murmured deceptively. “I’ve missed you, B. Promise you’ll come back and be mine? We can forget all about this ugly mess.”

“How can you say that?” B marvels. “Aren’t you the face of justice? Why aren’t you going to prosecute me? I-“ He looks down, but not before L sees the uncertainty in his eyes.

“Because.” L rests his head against the others, and lowly whispers into his ear. “I promised I’d stay with you, forever and ever. You’re a part of my soul, Beyond. And I don’t want to be without you anymore.”

B grips onto his shoulder, and L holds him as he sobs brokenly into his shoulder. Everything seems to still around them. The white noise stops, and time doesn’t exist. It’s B and L, the only two people alive on earth. L can feel the breeze from the overhead fan whip his bangs around. He sighed and looked out the window, little stars twinkled in the distant. 

B’s touch made his very skin crawl. He smelt like smoke and blood, and his erratic cries grated L’s nerves. He wanted to pummel the man to the floor, and slap his face around until it was nothing but bloody matter. But, all in good time. L wasn’t a killer. 

“I want to believe you.” L hears B whimper softly, and strokes through his matted black hair. “I’ve been so lost without you.”

“You don’t have to wander anymore.” L smiled wickedly, knowing that B couldn’t see his face. “I’m here.”

-

“Do it.” L stated, dropping the knife at B’s feet. “If you really want to make me happy, then I’d like to see you slit your own wrists.”

They had been staying in an old motel for the past few days. L had been loving, and caring, and showering B with his undying affection. The lost boy had lapped this up, and was treating L as if he were a king. Gone were the foul words and violent hands. No, B was a completely different person. He was acting like an ingenue, instead of a beast. Living with B wasn’t as exciting as one might think, however. B would take cold showers and bang his head against the wall until they received a noise complaint. He would stare at people from the windows, and tell L when they were going to die. He would eat, only to force himself to throw up. L suspected he did this as a form of punishment, because apparently now B was a masochist as much as he was a sadist. Mostly, he slept. He would clutch onto L in the night, and snore softly. 

When he wasn’t sleeping during the night, he was ranting about the horrid nightmares that were plaguing him. He would cry about ’the Gods using him’ and how he was destined to burn in hell. He would hunt around the hotel for a knife and, with shaking hands, he would cut his wrists. B claimed that it was to ‘get the poison out of his blood.’ Whatever that meant.

This worked for L, however, as it gave him an excuse to comfort B. He would hold him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear, which typically led to B crying. He would tell L how much he loved him and beg the raven to save him from evil. L would assure him that he was not evil, and that he adored him too. Most of his white shirts had been ruined from B’s blood and tears. And while B’s sniveling twit act was getting on his nerves, he wasn’t done yet. No, now it was time to make B suffer even more than he had. 

B’s favorite game was mind games. He loved to manipulate and coerce, and drive people into doing unspeakable things. It was how most of the children at Wammy’s had landed themselves in trouble. B was like Charles Manson, whenever he didn’t want to get in trouble he would make others commit his crimes. He also loved to treat people like dolls, and he would see how far he could push someone before they snapped. It’s what he had done to L, after all. 

L thought it was somewhat poetic that B should be made to endure some mind games himself. Manipulating B would be his greatest delight. 

The man stared down at the knife. He had been on his knees, begging for L’s forgiveness. L had woken up in a foul mood, and instead of hiding it, he had taken it out on B. He had told B that he had accidentally hit him in the middle of the night. He had threatened to leave, and B’s eyes had immediately filled with alarm. He had dropped to the floor and begged L to stay. Wicked delight filled his black heart as he observed the man trembling beneath him. 

“Why?” B whispered, sounding like a lost child. L brought a thumb to his lip, and glared into B’s wet red orbs. 

“Because I asked you to.” L told him, his voice sounded casual as if he had just asked B to fetch him a pen. “Do it like how A did it. You remember him, right?”

L could feel the way B flinched against his legs. His grip tightened and more tears made their way down his pale face. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Don’t talk about him.” He whispered. “He might hear you.”

L felt his eyebrow raise. “He’s dead.”

B shook his head. “No, he still follows me. He wants me to join him. He told me it’s the only way I can atone for my sins.”

“Really?” L almost snorted. “Maybe you should listen to him.”

“No.” B muttered, miserably. “It would be too painful, A told me so. He said the only way I could get into heaven is if I cut my eyes out.”

“Why?”

“Because.” B bit his lip harshly, and L could see a small trickle of blood make it’s way down his chin. “They’re evil. They can see when people die. It’s a curse.”

“That’s because everything about you is cursed.” L growled. “And I’m going to walk out this door, unless I see some serious repentance.”

“B-but.” B whined. “L, my wrists still hurt from last night. I already got all of the poison out.”

“Hm.” L murmured, chewing on his fingernail. It broke off with a satisfying crack. “You could always cut your neck, then.”

B looked up at him with wide eyes. “L…?” He whispered. “You aren’t serious, right? I-I could die.”

“You could.” L nodded. “But, it would prove your devotion to me. And I’d love you so.”

B hesitated, and looked down at the knife. L sighed, and made a move to leave. But B made a small yelp of alarm, and quickly wrapped his arms back around L’s knees. “I’ll do it!” He cried. “I’ll do it.”

L nodded, and couldn’t help the perverse smile of delight that crossed his face. “Good.”

B took the knife in his hands, which were trembling violently. The knife slipped from his weak grasp and clattered to the floor. Meeting L’s eyes miserably, B picked up the knife once again and gripped it so tightly that his knuckles turned snow white. 

He brought the knife up to the bottom of his neck, slowly. L watched with rapt interest, hardly even daring to breathe. But he could see how rapidly B’s own boney chest was moving, as if he was trying to suck all of the air out of the room. He opened his sorrowful ruby eyes, and stared at L pitifully. But L just stared back at B as if he were nothing more than a cockroach.

A small tear made it’s way from B’s wide eyes, as he pressed the knife in harder. And harder, and harder. L could see blood appear on the pale neck, and slowly drip down. B moved the knife ever so slightly, and let out a loud whimper when more gore dripped down his neck. Choking out a sob, he frantically threw the knife away from himself and fell into a small heap on the floor. Curling into a ball, he began to wail loudly. L sighed, the cut was hardly a nick. 

“I’m sorry!” B sobbed. “I’m scared!”

The blood dried around his collarbone, making it appear like black ooze had just dripped out of Beyond.

“I didn’t…w-wanna leave you.” B gasped out. “Because if I die, I might not ever see you again.”

L sighed, and sat on the edge of the bed. “So, you’re a coward.” He spit at B disdainfully. He fell back and snuggled up under the covers, while B continued to wail pitifully. L smiled to himself under the sheets. The old B would’ve never even considered bleeding for L. But this man, this man was a hollow shell of Beyond. It seemed as if he was already dead, in some ways. And L hadn’t of even really had to manipulate him that much. B had broken himself on his own.

And L detested being around B, he really did. He hated the way B’s treacherous lips would kiss him. He despised how B would look at him lovingly. B’s skin felt like ash against his own. And even though B let him top, L always found the whole experience quite dull. B didn’t interest him anymore. And he really, truly, wanted B to be locked inside of a jail cell. B had nothing more to offer him now, just the other day the man had confused L for Michael Jackson for God’s sake! No, this game wasn’t very fun anymore. L had gotten what he had came for, B’s miserable defeat. 

So, tomorrow, he would leave for good. 

-

The day was exceptionally bright, and sun shone through the dirty motel windows. L could hear birds chirping and walked over to the window to take in the glorious day. The sky was a bright blue and not a cloud was in sight. Happy people walked in the parking lot, probably to go find some tourist attractions. A little boy hugged his mother close, and L turned away. 

B had sat up and was watching L with interest. “Hey.”

L nodded his head in greeting. “Did you have any nightmares dear?" 

B shook his head, and a sweet smile overtook his face. L wanted to throw the vase full of flowers at that face. “I didn’t have any.” He told L excitedly. “I think sleeping next to you is helping.”

L smiled a saccharine smile, and walked over to sit next to the red-eyed man. “That’s good.” He murmured, running his fingers through the raven locks. B leaned into the touch, a serene smile upon his face. L leaned in, and captured his lips in his own. They tasted like poison.

It was the kiss of death. 

B let out a wanton moan and allowed L to push him back onto the bed. L felt the man’s fingers clutch onto his white shirt, pulling L closer to him. For a moment L couldn’t breathe. The kiss was intoxicating and brutal at the same time. He savored the feeling, letting a multitude of troubling feelings wash over him. He kissed B as if he was twelve again, as if his innocence had not been tainted. 

Memories ran through his mind. The first time B smiled at him. He felt warmth fill his chest. He remembered when B had drawn him a house, and told L it was his childhood home. L remembered laying with B under the trees at Wammy’s house, and a calmness washed over him.

But, then he remembered the violence. The tears. The harsh, cutting words. He remembered how B’s eyes had gleamed with maliciousness when he had told L that he didn’t love him. He remembered how B’s ruthless slaps and taunts and insults had slowly shredded his soul.

The warmth in his chest was replaced with nothingness. 

L reached behind him into the waistband of his jeans. His hand gripped the handle tightly and slowly he pulled the knife out to hold against B’s thin neck. He pulled his lips away and watched as B’s eyes opened. They filled with concern, puzzlement, and fear when the man finally realized what was being held against his neck. L wondered what the cold metal felt like.

He sat above B like a god, and savored how B’s eyes silently pleaded with him to pull the knife away. He smiled a small smile, one that promised devastation. B didn’t say a word, and his breathing became shallow.

“You’ve hurt me so much.” L muttered. “Did you know that?”

B swallowed, and the knife moved under the bobbing of his throat. “I-I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice cracking. “I know what I did was awful. I…I realized too late that you were my soulmate.”

L scoffed, and softly pressed the knife closer. “I want to kill you.” He told B, and felt the man’s body tremble under him. “Maybe then I’ll feel better.”

B shook his head slightly. “Please don’t.” He begged, and L cocked his head. 

“Funny.” His laugh was breathy. “Didn’t I say the that to you the first time you fucked me?”

B’s pale skin turned a shade whiter. “L…” He murmured, for once not having a defense. L rolled his eyes. Nothing B could say would ever take away those awful memories. No apology would make him feel whole again. This was pointless, closure was pointless. His mouth felt like sandpaper. The only pleasure he got out of this was knowing that B was clearly terrified. B was a submissive rabbit lying under a hungry wolf. L was in charge, and they both knew that. This spurred him on.

“How did you sleep at night?” L demanded. “Did you know how much I was suffering? Did you know how much my heart ached for you?”

B was as silent as a statue. 

“Did you know how much I loved you?”

B’s red eyes slid shut. “I did.”

L swallowed a thick lump at the back of his throat. “I see.” He responded, evenly. “Did that make it better for you then? Did my naivety to your devious nature get you off? Did you jerk off to it, the sight of me covered in bruises and blood?”

L didn’t need B to respond to that last question. The way a lone tear fell from his closed eye was answer enough.

“Tell me. Tell me why you did it?” L commanded, hearing his voice slightly waver. “Did it feel good, destroying an innocent child? Did it feel good when my nose broke under your fist? Did it feel good the first time you took me, and originally tainted my soul?”

Silence filled the room.

“Did you enjoy it, warping my mind?”

“L, I’m sorry.” B gasped out. L sighed, no this would never do. He was talking to a madman. B would never take responsibility for his actions. B would never understand just how much he had destroyed L. B would never be able to take back the hits, and the lies, and the betrayal. L would never be okay again, and there was nothing B could do to fix that. B had sent him to the guillotine, and even if he sewed L’s head back onto his shoulders, L wouldn’t come back to life. 

He didn’t know what he was doing, he would gain nothing from this. It was just more pain.

“If you wanna kill me, do it quickly. I don’t want to live in a world where I know that you hate me.” B mumbled quietly. “You’re the only one I have left, you know. You’re the only one who still believes in me.”

These words fell on deaf ears. They mattered not to L.

“You’ve hurt so many people, you know.” L started again, his voice flat as could be. “Why did you do it? Why did you kill those people? Tell me, Beyond Birthday.”

B’s eyes opened, and they looked haunted. They glazed over, an immeasurable amount of agony present in those red eyes. “They told me too.” He whispered. “The gods. One of them’s my dad, you know. He gave me the eyes. He..” A sob choked up B’s voice. He cleared his throat, and kept those tormented eyes fixed onto L’s. “He told me I had to kill those people. They were going to die, anyway. I had to do it, because I was the bringing of destruction.”

L nodded his head, as if he was drinking every word in. He was not, these were just more delusions. “I see. There’s no other reason?”

B swallowed and looked away. A deep blush of shame coated his cheeks. “I wanted to be better than you. I wanted to create a case that even you couldn’t solve. I wanted to prove that I was more than a backup.”

L narrowed his eyes. “How do you justify it, though?” He mused. “The brutality of it all?”

“L, I can’t…” B weakly protested, but L pressed the knife down.

“Tell me.”

“Because, they weren’t real.” He revealed. “None of them mattered. They were just faceless nobodies in the crowd. They needed to die. Most of the corpses I just used to experiment, anyway. I had never killed anyone before Believe Bridesmaid. i just wanted to see the blood…”

L felt nausea roll through his stomach, and felt as if he was going to be sick. He looked down and for just moment he saw a much younger Beyond. He remembered how the boy had grinned, and how that smile had seemed to brighten any room. He remembered that mischievous sparkle in B’s red eyes. He remembered how warm B’s hugs used to feel…

He removed the knife and tucked it back into his pants, and hastily made his way off of Beyond. He felt ice run through his veins as he remembered that boy. He would’ve never imagined that B would one day become a killer, a killer who would take delight in mangling corpses. He could almost picture what B’s face looked like when he was cutting up the bodies, and that made him feel faint. He grabbed onto the dresser to steady himself. He imagined the devilish smile, the way blood had spattered onto his twisted face. He imagined how terrifying his red eyes had looked.

He wondered if B had stayed at Wammy’s, if perhaps he would’ve been B’s first victim. 

He grabbed a black tape recorder out of the vase of flowers in which it had been hiding. He clicked the red button and made his way over to the door.

His hand shook as he twisted the door knob, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. But he knew how rushed his movements must look. He needed to get out of there, before he too lost his sanity. “He confessed. Get him.”

He made his way out of the door and resumed his typical slouch. He heard the heavy footsteps and loud shouts of the SWAT team as they trampled inside of the room. He kept his eyes firmly trained onto the concrete.

“L! L! HELP!” B shrieked. “DON”T LEAVE ME! PLEASE! PLEASE! L! L! PLEASE HELP! COME BACK!”

The sound was horrific. The screams of agony burrowed into his soul, and made a rotten nest. His skin felt as if it was on fire, and his ears rang with the sound of a thousand bells. But he didn’t look back. He didn’t hesitate or slow his steps. He kept walking, and walking, and walking. B’s screams faded into nothingness.

After a while, he found a small bench. It read ‘In Loving Memory Of Wallace Curt.’ Small yellow dandelions surrounded the bench.

He slumped down, and let his back rest against the wooden surface. He heard the chirping of birds and the faint screams of children playing. The sun shone on him brightly, making him close his eyes. Flashes of light danced behind his lids. A calming breeze blew against him, but it wasn’t able to chase away the numbness. 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the only number on it, still keeping his eyes shut. He feared that if he opened them, tears would come racing out.

“Quillish? I need you to edit a confession.”

-

The air felt thick with rottenness. L could hear the screams of crazed inmates who had been lost in isolation. The lights flickered overhead, and a rank smell entered his nose. He scrunched up his face, and shook his wild raven locks. What a horrid place. It truly was like hell on earth. It was a perfect final resting place for the wicked.

A small puddle of wetness bleed through on the ground under one of the doors. In the lowlight, L couldn’t tell if it was urine or blood. An inmate started wailing for their mother. Another started screaming about how a witch was attacking him. The sound of harsh banging came from another.

“You sure you want see him?” The guard behind him questioned. He was big and burly and had a tattoo of a flower on his cheek. A toothpick dangled between his lips. “He won’t talk.”

L nodded. “I just need to make one thing clear to him.”

The guard shrugged, and placed a key into the door’s lock. “I hear he’s probably getting life.”

“I would imagine.” L stated, dryly. A chill ran up his spine. He was desperate to get out of this cold, dank prison. He faintly heard the squeaking of rats and saw a rather large cockroach scuttle across the grey wall. 

The door opened with an ancient squealing noise, and L nodded towards the hallway. “You can wait out here.”

The guard looked uncertain, but nodded. He didn’t stop L from walking through the door alone. He knew who he was.

A small lightbulb hung on the ceiling. The whole cell was grey and desolate, it was made up completely of concrete after all. What looked to be blood and probably other excrements stained the wall in dark splotches. A worn toilet was in the corner of the room, and the water was yellow. It smelled what L would imagine a wasteland smelt like. It smelled like smoke, and blood, and rot. He could faintly see mold collecting around the small sink. 

His eyes made their way to the bed. Well, it was more like a mattress. A rather thin mattress. L stared at it disdainfully, thinking that cardboard would probably be more comfortable than this abomination. A corner of the yellowed bed was stained with red. 

And then, curled up on the end of the small cot, was B himself. L was shocked at how corpse like B appeared. His head leaned against the concrete wall, and his eyes were completely blank. He was dressed in an orange jumpsuit, which hung off of his skeletal frame. L could see his collarbones almost slicing through the place skin. B looked sickly, and his hands clutched at the thin sheets painfully. L could make out the nick that was still present on his neck.

The man licked his lips, his tongue white. His red eyes locked onto L, but quickly looked away. 

“Have you come to save me?” He uttered, weakly. “Have you come to bust me outta here?” A mocking sliver of hope was present in his strained voice.

“No.” L responded. “I’ve just come to say goodbye.”

B turned to him, slowly. And L could now see that his already blood colored eyes were red from crying. “You’re really leaving me?”

“Oh darling,” L laughed, condescendingly. “I left you long ago.”

Another tear slipped from B’s eye, and L imagined that it was red like blood. “Tell me you still love me, even a little bit.” He begged. L narrowed his eyes, and looked down at the crazed man disdainfully.

“I could never love a monster like you. Monsters aren’t loved by anyone.” He told him, sounding deadly to even his own ears. He scarcely recognized his own voice. “A monster like you deserves this solitude, you know. You get to waste away with all the other cretins down here. Scum of the earth, all of you.” He laughed, hollowly.

He made his way over to B’s small cot, and faintly took a seat on the very edge of the bed. He crossed his legs, and smiled a smug grin. He felt his eyes widen with glee. “Fuck, this thing is uncomfortable. How will you sleep?” He mocked. “Though, maybe you won’t be getting much rest down here. Since I won’t be around to keep the nightmares away and all."

B started quietly sobbing, burying his head into his hands. 

“Good thing there isn’t a mirror in here.” L commented, cheerily. “I’d imagine you’d die of shame if you could see how pathetic you’ve become. You were never fit to be my successor, I don’t know what Quillish was thinking. Big, scary, strong Beyond is sniveling like a naughty child. All because he’s been put into time out.”

“L,” B mumbled, tiredly. “I get it, you hate me.”

“Oh no.” L sneered. “No, I don’t think you know how much I truly despise you. I hate the very marrow in your bones. I hate the very DNA that your bastard parents gave to you. You never thought I would win, did you? You wanted to kill me. No, don’t look bashful-“ L scolded, seeing the way that B’s face reddened with humiliation. “You admitted it. You told me that you wanted to destroy me, and you almost did. But, you underestimated me. You underestimated how vindictive and cunning I would become. I made it my life's mission to kill you. But, look at this! I didn’t even get my hands dirty! No, I’ve broken your very essence, and that’s good enough for me. Because, to see you like this, the demon who plagued my dreams now shedding tears like an enfeebled weakling? It fills my heart with joy. Because I won.”

B didn’t respond, he simply started chewing at his nails furiously. His eyes darted around, as if some unseen force was about to attack him. But, he was just panicked because he had no moves left. L knew this. B wanted to protest, and fight the situation he was in. L imagined that he was seething with burning rage at the fact that he was helpless. But, L wanted to drive the knife in further. 

So, he stood up and began pacing around the room slowly. “Ha, no window.” He mumbled. “What fun, you’ll never see sunlight again.”

He then settled by the door, and leaned against it lazily. The coldness of the surface seeped into his bones, but he was much too gleeful to care. “What? I claim victory and you have nothing to say to that?”

“L, please-“ B started, but L interrupted.

“I’ve won!” He hissed, triumphantly. “You’re simply the spoils of war. But, quite disappointing spoils if you don’t mind me saying. I’d imagined this moment a lot, because I knew I’d beat you the next time you were unfortunate enough to cross my path. I’d always imagined you protesting vehemently, and spitting insults at my face. I’d always imagined you’d always remain smug and prideful. But that’s been beaten out of you. Hm?” He chuckled, darkly. “You’ve lost everything. Your parents. A. Your freedom. Your wits. Your dignity. God, you can’t even yell at me! You’ve lost your mind! Are you really that lost? Are you really that destroyed?”

“Just imagine.” He continued. “I get to walk out of here. I get to do whatever I want, when I want. I am the most powerful man alive. I’m a god among men, of sorts. I have my title, and you have the rats and wailing crazies down here to keep you company. You’re less than dirt on my shoes, you don’t even deserve to lick the shit off of the rim of that toilet. How does it feel? How does failure taste? Will you be able to live with the knowledge of your loss?”

B started rocking back and forth, and chuckling. But, this laughter sounded more like a wail. It was desolate and fearful, and sounded as if it was being ripped from the very depths of his soul. L could feel the pain and despair seeping from the other. He relished the fact that he was inflicting these tormenting scars, and he didn’t even have to lift a finger. He sighed with contentment. 

“Imagine if A could see you now.” He said, and he watched the way that B’s body stilled with horror. “He’d think you were a bloody joke. He’d be so disappointed in what you’ve turned into. Because A was good. He had a pure soul. Do you ever think that you may have been the one to push him over the edge?” He felt his lips stretch into a sneer. “Imagine, A only had you as a friend. That must’ve been so lonely for him. He only had a decrepit villain as a companion. And, we both now how harsh and cutting your words can be. Maybe it was something you said? Maybe it was the time you pushed him into a wall. Or, maybe it was the time you told him to ‘eat shit and die’. Or maybe, maybe, it was the time that you yelled at him for touching your baseball. I could see the way his eyes filled with darkness, every time you screamed at him.”

L shrugged his hunched shoulders. “Maybe he killed himself to get away from you. Maybe you were the cause for all of his despair and torment. I guess we’ll never know though, right? A’s nothing more than a rotting carcass now. He’s just cracked bones, slowly disintegrating into the earth. If you looked upon his face now, you wouldn’t see that sweet smile or those bright green eyes. No, you’d see a ghoulish skull filled with maggots. You’ll never see those eyes again, you’ll never see them sparkle or fill with laughter ever again.”

B banged his head against the wall harshly, and L could hear a painful crack. “Help!” He screamed. “Help me L, I can’t take it!”

“God, you’re thick!” L snapped. “I do not give one single shit about what happens to you. I put you in this cell, and that’s where you’ll stay because mad dogs need to be kept inside of a locked cage. I don’t care about you, and I never will again. You’ll fade away from my mind, you’ll fade away from everyone’s mind. You’ll just be a forgotten rat stewing in disgustingness and misery. No one can save you now, not even me. You vile, sick, depraved, cruel, broken bastard. B never stood for backup, it stood for bastard.”

B didn’t make another sound, his eyes simply closed. He stilled, so much so that L couldn’t even tell if he was still breathing. Maybe his words had killed him alone. But B’s red eyes snapped open, and he sharply turned his head to give L one more pitiful glance. He was begging L to take the words back. He was begging L to save him.

“We’re each other’s fate, huh?” L whispered. “You were never my fate, my fate is greater than that. I would never be destined to love a loser like you.”

B’s eyes slid closed, and he fell down onto his bed with a painful thump. He buried his head into the mattress, and screamed at the top of his lungs. His body shook as he screamed at nothing and everything. 

L smirked one last time, before his mouth once again formed into a tight line. He was done, he had gotten his pound of flesh. He had bled B dry and the man had nothing more to offer him. He felt high on adrenaline and his head felt clearer. He brought his thumb to his mouth and observed the broken boy once more. He had won. He had beaten this monster, and now all B could do was pray for death to claim his soul. B would never see L again, and B could never hurt L again. It was like he was already dead. 

He turned towards the door, and blocked out B’s cries. He felt no sympathy, not for the wicked. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him, feeling the rickety walls of the jail shake. He paid the guard no mind as he strode down the hall. None of the prisoners cries could affect him. Especially not B’s. He was just another depraved criminal, after all.

He wondered if Mr. Wammy would buy him a wedding cake tonight, to celebrate his victory. 

-

The next morning, L woke up to the news that B had committed suicide in the night. Apparently, his former lover had smashed his head against the wall of his concrete cell until brains had come out. L wished he could’ve seen how lifeless those red eyes had looked. He wondered if B looked nicer as a corpse. 

He then ordered Mr. Wammy to bring him some cookies and new cases. 

L stared blankly at the cream wall of his hotel room until Mr. Wammy brought him his deserts and case files. And so, L began scheming on how to catch the next criminal.

Because he had decided long ago that he would never again shed tears for Beyond Birthday.

-

Across the world, a twelve year old brunette boy watched the news coverage of the L.A.B.B. murder case and wondered how some people could be so cruel.


	9. My Judas Iscariot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy *shuffles into the room awkwardly* it's been only a day, and already I'm posting again?? The story is moving fast now! This chapter is the calm before the storm, which I know might sound odd. The first part is definitely calm. But...uh....Light has some...er....revelations. If you couldn't tell by the title, everything's about to hit the fan.
> 
> Yikes.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's shorter than what I normally put out, I know. But there wasn't much happening this chapter aside from the obvious. Please comment and review, I literally bragged to my mother about all of your lovely comments today:)
> 
> P.S....I kinda indulged myself with the biblical symbolism. The two quotes at the end of the chapter aren't mine, they're from the bible. Do I have to give credit for that? Is it possible to plagiarize the bible?

“Here.” L’s soothing voice rang in his ears. “You need to keep hydrated.”

“Thank you.” Light murmured, an reached out to take the cup of water that was being offered to him. His burning skin made contact with the cold glass and he felt himself involuntarily shiver. The clear water sparkled in the sunlight, making it looked as if it were liquified diamonds. Light’s mouth felt fuzzy. L guided him into a sitting position and propped his head up with their downy pillows. Light leaned into pillows and L’s hand that was rubbing his head softly. He raised the cup to his mouth and drank from it greedily, nearly moaning when the cool water hit his parched mouth. The water slid down his throat and he closed his eyes, reveling in the temporary relief.

He had awoken with a pounding headache and hardly any recollection of the night before. L had patiently explained to him that he had nearly passed out typing on his computer, so L had carried him to bed. They were alone and not seen, obviously. Which was good. Light doubted his father would be pleased if he saw his boss cradling his first-born as if he was a mere infant.

But his head still felt as if someone had taken a mallet to his skull, and pounded thick metal nails into his brain. His eyes drooped and Light could almost feel how oily his skin was. L’s petting of his head was probably adding to his messy bed-head, too. Light knew that he probably looked like a wild beast at the moment, and cursed himself. Normally when he was ill, he would lock himself away in his room to recover in peace. He wouldn’t want to disturb anyone with his decrepit appearance, after all. Sometimes, if he really needed to, he would simply power through the sickness and carry on with his day. Light knew his strength, and didn’t want to be bested by a mere virus. 

He swallowed more water that rushed down his aching throat. And swallowed again, and again. But his throat still burned painfully. He fell back onto the pillows, holding the glass out lazily. He was waiting for it to be taken for him, and luckily L got the hint. Pale fingers brushed against his fevered hand and Light smiled. At least he knew L wouldn’t judge him for how he looked. he hadn’t made any snide comments so far, anyway.

L was treating Light with care, as if he was his own personal nurse. He allowed Light to lay against him and snuggle into his form. Even though Light didn’t crave warmness, he just wanted to be close enough to hear L’s beating heart. L’s very presence soothed him. Light adored these moments, the soft and gentle moments when the two simply existed together. It felt as if everything was right in the world. He knew that whatever this was, it was the closest thing to peace that he would ever feel.

He brought his hand up to rub his aching eyes. He felt sleepy yet wide-awake at the same time. Hoe peculiar. “I wonder how I got sick.” Light murmured, just to say something. He did wonder, though. He hadn’t of been allowed to go into public in months, after all. And that was where bugs were typically picked up. How had he gotten sick while cooped up with L? The man was a fearful germaphobe for Christ’s sake!

“I don’t know.” L sighed. “Maybe it was something you ate?”

Light grimaced, remembering what he had had for dinner. That settled it, that was the last time he was eating microwaved noodles. “Probably. I hope it’s just food poisoning.” He yawned, and stretched his body slightly. His aching muscles protested. 

Light sighed, he felt like a lump on a log. “Should we get our laptops out?” He questioned his elder. “We should probably finalize some details of the plan-“

“Hush darling, none of that talk.” L slightly scolded, interrupting him. “Today you’re sick, and I’m going to take care of you.”

Light was dumbfounded, and craned his head back to look at the raven in shock. L was a workaholic. The man lost precious hours of sleep to go over mindless charts and graphs! L lived and bled work, the only time he wasn’t on his laptop was when he was engaging in intercourse. L…was giving up work to look after him? Light felt a pleasant flush creep onto his face and ducked his head self-consciously. His insides warmed pleasantly. 

Light smiled. “You don’t have to do that.” He mumbled.

“I want to.” L told him. “You deserve a day of rest. Plus, I want you to make a full recovery.”

Light sighed, and shrugged his shoulders lazily. “You’re acting as if I have tuberculosis.” He murmured. “A headache and a upset stomach won’t kill me.”

“Mmm come on, Light.” L sighed playfully. “A little relaxation won’t kill you. Plus, I must admit that I am rather comfortable as well.”

Light rolled his eyes and stroked L’s thigh softly. “Well, if you insist I suppose we could stay like this.” He mused. “I wouldn’t want to deny you your comfort, after all.”

“Exactly.” Light could hear the smile in L’s voice. “See Light, you can be a good boy. You’re always so considerate.”

“I try.” He smirked. “….Could you make me some soup?”

“I’ll tell Watari to bring some up.” L told him. Light heard shuffling behind him and the clacking of keys as L sent out a text message.

“Would you even be able to survive without Watari?” Light questioned playfully, and he heard L let out a low chuckle.

“You wound me, Light-kun. Implying that I am not capable to take care of myself.” L joked. “Though, I don’t know the answer to that question. I would be quite lost without Watari. He’s taken care of me for as long as I can remember.”

“You two have been together long, then?” Light questioned. L and Watari seemed quite close, and Light briefly wondered if they were somehow related. Watari seemed to care for L like he was his own.

L was silent, and for a moment Light wondered if he had angered the detective by asking about his past. “Sorry.” He mumbled apologetically. “I wasn’t trying to pry. Just making idle conversation.”

“It’s fine.” L suddenly responded breezily. “Just thinking. Yes, me and Watari have been together for most of my life. He…found me, you see. I was a homeless child, living on the streets. He took me in and raised me, I have him to thank for everything I have.”

Light was silent for a moment, letting this new knowledge seep into his head. L was homeless? He never would’ve guessed. He often pondered about what L’s normal life was like, but he never would’ve suspected that the world’s greatest detective was once out on the streets alone. 

“What happened to your parents?” The question slipped from his lips before he could quell it. He felt L sigh deeply behind him.

“I don’t remember them.” L revealed. “But I’m not comfortable with this line of questioning, Light, You know that I must keep my past a secret.”

His tone turned stern, and Light felt a blush of shame overtake his cheeks. He wasn’t trying to be nosey. “Sorry.” He apologized. “You’re just an enigma.”

“Am I?” L laughed, and all of the tension that was previously present in his voice disappeared. Light relaxed. “Yes, I suppose that’s a fair assessment. But, I could say the same for you.”

“Me?” Light wondered. “To some, I suppose. But you know me.”

“Do I?” L sounded genuinely surprised, and Light nodded.

“I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone else.” Light bit his lip. “And, sometimes I feel as if you’re inside of my head. Like, every time you look into my eyes you’re reading my soul.”

“Really?” L murmured, as if he was pondering this thought. He let out a small breath of air that tickled Light’s head. “I must admit that I do feel a certain kinship between us, Light-kun.”

“Ditto.” Light breathed out, softly. “…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

“I’m honored to hold your heart.”

Light laughed a little, and leaned his head back to stare at L. Those dark grey eyes were filled with affection, and he swallowed harshly. “When did I say that?” He teased.

“I think you just did.” L told him, and pressed a soft kiss onto his forehead. Light felt his lithe fingers caress his cheek slightly and his smile grew wider. 

Suddenly, he heard the door open. He felt L flinch against him and he quickly pulled away. Light himself hastily changed positions and created a friendly distance between himself and L, hoping that whoever had walked in hadn’t of just saw them lying together. 

Watari stood at the door, a bowl and a bag of sweets in his hands. He looked at the two with shock, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. Light gulped loudly and felt his heart begin to pound painfully. The older man stood in the doorway, not speaking a word. He heard L breath harshly out of his nose.

A few moments of tense silence passed between the three, a silent conversation hung in the air. Light felt sweat collect in his hairline, and averted his gaze. He watched as his fingers anxiously laced together. He felt like a naughty teenager who had just been caught making out with the troublemaker of the school behind the bleachers. 

L cleared his throat. “You didn’t knock.” He spoke in a strained voice.

Light kept his eyes trained downwards, but heard Watari sigh. “I brought up what you requested.” He told L in an equally stiff tone. “L? May I have a word?”

“Not right now.” L hastily protested. “Light-kun is present.”

“Light-kun is always present.” Watari responded testily.

“Later.” Light could hear L speak through gritted teeth, as if he was in great pain. 

Watari let out another long-suffering sigh. “I will leave this on the bedside table, then.”

“Very good.” L told him airily. Light felt the detective shift uncomfortably in the bed.

Watari’s footsteps seemed especially loud as he crossed over to the bedside table, it sounded as if an elephant had just stormed into the room. Light could hear his heavy breathing and cursed himself for not being able to remain calm. It seemed like an eternity until the door had finally shut again. As soon as Light heard the small click, he let out a huge breath of air and fell backwards onto the mattress with a loud thud.

His face felt hot and his hands felt cold. “Do you think he saw anything?”

L groaned. “Probably.” He muttered. “At least it was nothing lewd.”

Light brought his hands up to smother his face into them, and resisted letting out a frustrated scream. “Great.” He grumped, anxiety filling him to the brim. “You don’t think he’d tell my father, do you?”

“Watari is a very discreet man.” L sighed. “He knows not to meddle in my affairs, he’ll keep what he saw to himself. He’ll probably want to scold me later is all.”

“Why?” Light wondered, and he felt a hot bowl being pressed into his hands. He sat up, and took the bowl from L. The soup looked to be alphabet soup, and thick steam arose form the bowl. The heat seemed to warm his frigid hands and he clutched the dish tightly. He imagined he could see the letters form the word ‘secret’. 

“I’m sure he’s displeased that I’m fraternizing with my suspect.” L told him. Light looked over and saw that the detective was shoving small chocolates inside of his mouth. He munched on the sweets loudly, his cheeks were puffed out making him look like a chipmunk. “I’m sure he’s also disgruntled because of our age difference. But, it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“Age difference?” Light wondered, softly blowing on the scorching soup. “How old are you?”

He had never really thought about L’s age, to be honest. L seemed exactly like himself in many ways, he didn’t seem like a typical adult. And L looked quite young, so he couldn’t be that old. Right? Looking at L’s pale and smooth face he could see no sign of age. 

“Early twenties.” L divulged vaguely. “I’m not incredibly old, don’t worry. I can’t give you an exact number, though.”

“Right.” Light nodded, and swirled the noodles around with the long silver spoon. 

“…But the difference is greater than five years and less than ten.” L finally revealed. “That’s all you need to know.”

Light nodded. L wasn’t that old, then. It wasn’t as if he was middle-aged after all. 

“Does it bother you?” L asked suddenly, sounding curious. “To know how much older than you I am?”

Light shook his head, and raised the full spoon to his lips. He drank the soup greedily and marveled at how good it tasted. This couldn’t be simple soup from a can. No, this almost tasted homemade. The soup was hearty and had a slight spice, and Light wished he could eat this food every day. “No.” He answered, after swallowing. “You don’t look old. You don’t seem that old, or you don’t seem to be older than me anyway. I’d always assumed we were close in age.”

“Mm, relatively close.” L agreed. “Our minds are what bridges the gap between us, though.”

“You’ll get grey hairs first though.” Light giggled, eating another spoonful. He looked down and realized the bowl was already half empty. When did that happen? The soup was so good, he hadn’t of even noticed how he must have been wolfing it down. It tasted like something his mother might make. God, he missed his mother’s Sunday night dinners.

“That why hair dye exists.” L tells him impishly.

“True.” Light let out a soft breath of laughter. “Though you might look odd as an eighty year old man with jet black hair.”

L chuckled too. “No, no, I’d age gracefully.” He assured the brunette, reaching across the bed to interlock his fingers with Light’s. Light felt a small thrill run up his arm. “I imagine you aging like fine wine, Light-kun.”

“Totally. I’ll be like, the hottest ojichan around.” Light snickered. “I’ll be king of the nursing home.”

“You’d allow yourself to be housed in a nursing home?” L wondered.

“Hm, I don’t know.” Light shrugged, taking a final bite of his soup. He set it on his lap and stared at the empty bowl forlornly. He wanted more, but didn’t want to have to call Watari again. Lord knows what the old man would say next time he saw him and L. “I hadn’t really given it much thought. I suppose not, that sounds rather boring.”

“It sounds dreadfully boring.” L scoffed. “No, when I’m older I’m going to travel the world.”

“Haven’t you already kind of done that?” Light wondered, thinking of all of the various places L had travelled to to solve cases. It was hard to imagine a country that the detective hadn’t visited.

“Yes, but I’d like to travel the world for pleasure.” L told him, thoughtfully. “I’d like to see beautiful sights and all of the historic landmarks the world has to offer. I’d like to be filled with a certain calmness, as I look out over the sea and see the setting sun over the horizon. I’d love to stand on a mountaintop and feel as if the world is mine.”

Light felt a strange emotion well up in his throat that threatened to choke him, and he swallowed harshly. Closing his eyes, he imagined traveling the world too. He had never been outside of Japan, after all. He imagined visiting the great pyramids in Egypt. He imagined visiting ancient Mayan ruins. He imagined visiting castles, and old abandoned churches in Europe. He imagined rolling mountains, blue seas, and bright flowers. He saw ancient cities that held the secrets of thousands of souls. He imagined feeling rain, and warmth, and soft breeze on his skin.

He imagined going to the top of the Eiffel Tower. He imagined looking out over the city of Paris, and observing all of the twinkling lights of the city. The buildings and cars and trees would appear miniature. It would feel like he was king. He imagined looking up at the bright moon shining down on him, creating an iridescent glisten on his tanned skin. He imagined smelling pastries and croissants.

And he imagined that L would be standing beside him. He imagined L would take him by the hand and softly kiss him under the moonlight, for all of Paris to see. 

“Would you take me with you?” Light questioned, suddenly looking over at L. The raven looked deep in thought, and for a moment Light thought that L hadn’t of heard him. But, the raven closed his eyes and smiled a warm smile. 

“Wherever I go, I want you to come with me.”

His head grew fuzzy and warm, and he smiled as butterflies pleasantly fluttered inside of his stomach. He bit his cheek to try and stop a lovestruck grin from creeping on his face, but it appeared anyway. He couldn’t attempt to hide his love any longer. He knew who he cared most for in this world. He knew who was apart of his soul. 

He sighed happily and laid back onto the pillows, savoring the serenity that filled him. He felt as if he were floating.

He felt L lean down onto him and he tightly hugged the raven. L wrapped his own arms around Light, and pulled him into a warm hug. It was the kind of hug that made Light feel as if he would never be alone again. It was one that spoke all of L’s unspoken affection. Light nuzzled his head into the crook of L’s shoulder and breathed in his scent. It was so comforting, it smelled like love. It smelt like home. His heart beat faster.

“Now for the next part of your recovery.” L murmured into his hair. “I hear that cuddles greatly help.”

“L?” Light was awoken by Watari’s voice softly whispering. “You want to talk now?”

“Yes. Let’s go into the bathroom. And keep your voice down, it took awhile but I finally got him to sleep.”

Light almost smirks to himself, but keeps his face still. He has perfected the art of fake sleeping since he was five years old. He used to trick his parents by pretending to sleep after a long car ride so they would carry him up to his room. Sometimes, he would even lie still on the couch to hear what his parents would talk about when they thought he wasn’t listening. He knew that this practice was quite nosey, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to know what Watari was going to say to L. He needed to know if Watari would tell his father. So, he lay still as death and breathed softly.

Light hears the soft jingling of chains and realizes L must be taking his off. Nothing can be heard in the quiet room besides L’s soft footsteps as he retreats into the bathroom. He feels calm, laying against the soft cotton sheets. L had wrapped him up into snug cocoon to help him fall into slumber. But, luckily, he wasn’t so deep into dreamland just yet, and had been awoken by L’s handler’s quiet voice. He can see nothing but blackness. He patiently waits for their conversation to start, feeling his heart beat just a little bit faster.

“Would you like to explain to me what I saw earlier?” Watari harshly whispers. “Because, what it looks like to me-“

“Keep it down!” L hisses, and Light realizes that he has now changed languages. “And speak in english.”

“Why? I thought you said he was asleep?”

“You can never be too careful.” L responds. “I don’t want him to hear any off this.”

Light feels his brow furrow, but luckily he knows that he is facing away from the bathroom. Why wouldn’t L want him to hear the conversation? And it doesn’t matter, anyway. Light taught himself to write and speak in english when he was fifteen. He could understand the language perfectly. At the time, he had done so to play a joke on his mother so that she would be confused by his strange dialect.

He had never told L this because he thought it might come in handy in the future. L sometimes spoke in french, which Light did not know. But, if L ever said anything in english Light thought he could surprise him by responding. And, when he had still been wary of L, he wanted to know if the detective ever said anything damning about him being Kira. He didn’t want L to be able to hide from him by speaking in his native tongue. And L had told Light at the tennis match that he was British. Wow, the tennis match, that seemed like it had happened such a long time ago .

“So,” Watari began again, and Light heard that he had switched to english as well. “anything you want to tell me?”

“What’s there to tell?” L asked, and Light almost sighed in relief. Good, L was going to play dumb. If anyone could convince Watari that he was imagining things, it was L. Light would rather their relationship stayed secret from everyone. It didn’t matter how indiscreet L claimed Watari was. Secrets always had a way of getting out. 

“You were snuggled up to him, and petting his cheek.” Watari hissed. “Are you really going to deny it?”

“So what?” L grumbled back. “We’re sleeping together, is that what you wanted to hear? Light-kun and I are both consensual adults, and can do what we please. It’s no one’s business what we do in private.”

“This is dangerous L.” Watari argues, and Light feels a pang in his chest. Why would Watari say it would be dangerous? Does he not trust Light? Does he still think that he is Kira?

“Please, do you think I can’t take care of myself?” L scoffs. 

“It’s not just about that.” Watari speaks, carefully. “Do you have any idea what is father would do if he were to find out?” 

Light tries to push down the anxiety threatening to swallow him.

“And who’s going to tell him?” L counters. “You? Please, Light doesn’t want his father knowing about this anymore than I do. We’re very discreet, and only do things in the comfort of this room. Which has no cameras, by the way. There’s no proof that anything is going on.”

“This is extremely questionable behavior though, L. Have you even thought about how this looks?” Watari quietly demands. “This boy has just turned eighteen this year. He’s just started college! Not to mention, you imprisoned him. You are investigating him, and so you decided to add sexual relations to the mix? Can you imagine what would happen if this gets out?”

Light frowned. Yes, L had placed him into solitary confinement. But L regretted that, didn’t he? Anyway, everything was different now. L surely must’ve regretted what he did. Because he cared for him now, right? And at any rate, Light was staying here of his own free will. While yes, sometimes he did want to leave and go back home, he did enjoy working on the Kira case. And he loved spending time with L. So, really, it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

“It won’t.” L insists. “How could it? Light doesn’t want anyone to know that he likes men. Why do you think he’s dating Amane-san?”

“I don’t know.” Watari sounded doubtful. “The truth has a way of making itself known.”

“Please.” L dismisses. “You forget who you're talking too. The truth about me stays hidden as long as I want it to. I can handle this.”

“Can you?” Watari whispers. “L, I’m sorry, but I’m questioning your judgment at the moment. Do you not still suspect Light-kun of murder?”

“Of course I do.” L responds. “He is still my number one suspect.” Wait, what?

“Tell me the truth.” Watari asks in a low tone. “Are you developing feelings for him? Because if so, this could end disastrously.”

“Watari....” L sighs a disdainful sigh. “What do you think?”

“I don’t know what to think!” Watari whispers back, exasperated. “You look at him in the way you used to look at-“

“Don’t” L raises his voice, but then clears his throat. “This is what I always do. You know this, right? I never kept it a secret.”

“Those situations were very different.” Watari argues, his whisper growing fiercer. “The people you’ve seduced before have always been much older. And their fathers weren’t working directly with you! Not to mention, if he is Kira, you are playing with one of the most prolific serial murderers in the history of the world.”

“I’m close.” L whispers. “I’m so close to solving this case. Trust me, please.”

“Is it worth it though?” Mr. Wammy sighs. “If you of end up falling for him-“

“Don’t insult my intelligence, Watari.” L scoffs coldly. “Though I suppose if even you were fooled by my acting then I must be doing a spectacular job.”

“Acting?” Watari questions, testily. 

“Acting.” L repeats, harshly. “I feel nothing for the boy. How could I? He’s Kira. I’m simply coercing a confession out of him by giving him what he craves most, intimacy."

Light felt his whole body freeze. *What did he just say?* His mind was reeling. A loud static noise was buzzing in his ears and he felt his stomach clench in on itself. No, no. 

*L’s just lying.* He reassured himself. *He’s trying to get Watari off our backs, is all.*

“And what if he’s not Kira?” Watari questioned. “What if you are deceiving an innocent boy?”

“It has to be him, Watari.” L argued, and Light felt his veins fill with lead. “Everything fits too perfectly. Light Yagami is a cunning liar, and a skilled manipulator. He fools everyone with his pretty lies and attractive features. Look, he’s even got you fooled!” 

Light bit his lip, until he tasted blood. No, he was dreaming. He dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand, but he didn’t wake up. 

“I’m not fooled.” Watari sniffs disdainfully. “But, we cannot make any convictions until we have solid proof. Light-kun is innocent until proven guilty. And…he’s a child L.” Watari whispers the last part almost sadly. “What if it really isn’t him?”

A deadly silence fills the air, and Light fears they have finally realized he is awake. 

But then, L sighs rather loudly. “If it really isn’t him,” He starts, sounding dismissive. “then that will be that. I’ll simply leave and if he tries to make a fuss I have enough money to pay him off. But, that scenario is very unlikely.” 

“You’re playing with fire, L.” Watari whispers, sounding a bit mournful. “You could be destroying an innocent boy. Can you imagine the guilt you’d feel?”

“Light-kun will be fine.” L sniffs. “If he really is innocent, then he can go back to college and his normal life.”

“Nothing I say will deter you, will it?” Watari sighs. 

“He trusts me, I can feel it.” L tells him. “If we catch Higuchi and the truth manages to slip out….Light will be mine. He’s having nightmares, you know. He’s haunted by his past as Kira, constantly raving about shinigami and books of death. I don’t care how long it takes, I will break Light. I will tell him that I love him, and I will hug and kiss and do whatever else needs to be done until he confesses. I need him to confess Watari, I can’t loose.”

Light feels as if he is about to be sick. Nausea rolls around in his stomach and he tastes sour bile in the back of his throat. He feels as if someone has just holed out the very core of his heart. It felt as if someone had kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked at his stomach until it had exploded. He wanted to sit up and scream at the top of his lungs. He wanted to cry, he wanted to hit something. He blinked his eyes, but they remained dry. 

“Very well.” Watari finally responds stiffly. “But if this ends badly then you only have yourself to blame.”

“I can take responsibility for myself.” L snaps quietly. “The boy is naive, anyway. He won’t even know what hit him.”

*A freight train.* Light thinks. *A big, fearsome freight train is what has just hit me.*

He can’t even move. Which is just as well, because he is meant to be sleeping. God, how he wishes he hadn’t of awoken. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Or, would that be even crueler? Would being kept in the cold dark made this betrayal any less cutting? If he hadn’t of found out now, he would’ve known eventually. Because, as much as he wants to forget what he just heard, he knows he cannot. He couldn’t possibly convince himself that what he heard wasn’t the absolute truth. L’s words burn in his mind. 

He barely registers the footsteps approaching him as he wallows in his own despair. It is eating him alive. It’s a slow, painful death. He feels the bed dip beside him and hears the cuffs clink shut once again. Ha, what a joke. What a horribly unfunny joke. They lay in this bed as if they are lovers, when they are nothing of the sort. Light knows this now. Yet he still cannot cry. He can only feel his heart pound furiously against his chest, as if it is trying to break free and escape these horrid feelings.

And, oh my God, he’s trapped! He is literally chained to L! How will he go on? How will he be able to face L tomorrow? Light feels sick as L’s form settles beside him. He never wants to see the detective’s treacherous face again. He never wants to see that deceptive smile, or those deceitful black eyes ever again. His eyes are black because they are soulless. There is nothing inside of L, he is a leech. Light thinks that if L tries to speak to him tomorrow, he might just die. He never wants to hear any of those sugary-sweet lies ever again. He wants to run far, far away. He wants to tear into the night, and leave without a trace. He wants everything to stop. He just needs these feelings of despair to stop!

He lies in the crypt, and sadness claws at his throat. But he still cannot sob, or let out a wail. He can hardly even breathe. It feels as if he has just been shot and the pain hasn’t hit him yet. It’s like he knows he’s going to die and he feels blood seep out from him, but the pain never comes. Those words just replay in his mind like a sick loop, torturing him as he is forced to lie still and take it. 

'Light Yagami is a cunning liar, and a skilled manipulator.’

'I feel nothing for the boy.’

‘He’s Kira.’

'I will break Light’

‘….coercing a confession out of him by giving him what he craves most, intimacy.'

"I will tell him that I love him, and I will hug and kiss and do whatever else needs to be done until he confesses. I need him to confess….’

Light wants to scream bloody murder, simply to drown the words out. He doesn’t want to hear them anymore. It’s like he is continually being stabbed, but the murderer never stops. And he never dies. It’s a never ending cycle of agony, and he can hardly bear it.

But for now, all he can do is lie in this sadness and betrayal. Because, what can he do? He cannot deny the harsh reality he is in. L doesn’t love him, and he gave the man his heart so carelessly. But, that didn’t make his heart worthless. L obviously thought it did, calling Light naive and all. Light wants to hit himself. How could he have fallen for this? He should’ve known. He should’ve stuck to his resolve that L was bad news. He shouldn’t have let that snake feed him the apple. He shouldn’t have believed the snake's promises of wisdom and happiness. Because now he is left with only sin, and the sin burns holes into his heart. 

*I’m nothing.* He thinks. *Everything I had was nothing.* He lies in this bed alone, L isn’t with him any longer.

And he does have nothing. So, it’s fine. Sure, maybe he was devastated that the only love he had ever had was ripped away. But, nothing had really changed. This is what they were. Liars and deceivers. They were playing a game, how had Light forgotten that? How had he become so blind? It was just another nightmare that he had awoken from. This was nothing real. Nothing was. Life wasn’t real. It was all just a show, a grand act. And Light was the star performer. How had he missed the curtain and stage lights. How had he missed that L was reading from a script? All he knew was fraud. 

He could be numb, he could. Maybe not tonight, as the betrayal still stung his soul painfully. But he couldn’t let this break him. L had said that he wouldn’t loose. But Light wanted to win. He didn’t want L to triumph over him, he didn’t want L to break his spirit. L had said that one could murder another simply with words, right? Light wouldn’t be a casualty of war. 

*You are Light Yagami.* He recited in his head. *Light Yagami is brilliant, and perfect, and a winner. Light Yagami is not a loser. Light Yagami has nothing if not his pride. Light Yagami cannot be broken. Light Yagami is an idol. Light Yagami is perfect.*

He was perfect. He made himself appear perfect. It was what he had done his whole life. No one could see his troubled soul, they were all too distracted with the shiny packaging. L was the only one who could see through him, but not anymore. L didn’t deserve to hold his heart. Light was going to rip it out of his claws if it was the last thing he would ever do. Because, he didn’t deserve this! He was being unfairly persecuted, unfairly damaged! Did that matter to no one? How could this of been allowed to happen? His life couldn’t go off the rails like this, it simply couldn’t! He had a plan for his life, and becoming L’s most recent victim wasn’t in the plot. No, he was going to escape from this well-laid trap. He wasn’t going to loose himself. He couldn’t bear to give that monster the satisfaction. 

Light knew himself. He knew he wasn’t Kira, he knew that he was innocent. L couldn’t call him whatever he damn pleased and make it into law. No, Light was better than this. He no longer wished to play the lovestruck fool, blind to the wickedness of others. Light knew how to be the golden child, he knew how to be the smartest student in all of Japan. That was who he was. Because if he didn’t have his reputation, what did he have?

And he understood why he hid his heart now, more than ever. He had been taught his lesson. People will use and destroy you, because the scariest monsters are sometimes the ones you love most. No one was trust worthy in this rotten world, they were all just scum passing the time until their death date was due. And since he now knew what he knew, he would never be hurt again. Right?

No, L had done him a favor. L had taught him that justice wasn’t real. Justice was for people who wanted to delude themselves into thinking the world still possessed righteousness. Justice was a concept society had put in place to feel safer, to feel as if they were in control. But no one truly received justice on this earth, not really. The most heinous criminals lurked in the shadows, and escaped from everyone. The most despicable beasts would break you down with promises and sweet words. Only to pull the rug out from under you so that you could fall flat on your ass. And they would continue to hide in the dark, and never receive any retribution. And if you were cunning enough, you could get away with anything short of murder. Or if you were powerful enough, like L. Because L knew that no one could stop him, because he was the law. He fancied himself above morality, and was able to justify his depraved actions because he was righteousness. Because L solved cases, he believed that he was the ultimate judge.

Except, he wasn’t. Light knew that. L was a misguided man who only knew how to lie. And this was good, because Light knew he would never trust him again. And so, he would never fall into anymore traps. No, L had helped him in his own twisted way.

Light had never loved anyone before, and he was better off that way. Thorn bushes existed to scare away predators from the flowers, and he could guard his heart with thorns. He could be okay again. Because he had learned. 

*Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.* Light remembered. *The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves.*

L had betrayed him with a kiss, but Light wouldn’t let it be the kiss of death. L wouldn’t ruin him. 

The soft tapping of computer keys filled the room. And Light laid with himself, because it was all he had.


	10. Rät

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...hey. *Runs and hides because I think you guys are gonna hate me for this chapter* ●﹏●
> 
> Don't worry, I'm mad at myself too. This is the chapter where everything goes to hell, and Light confronts L. And that goes as well as you would expect. I don't want to say too much and spoil this chapter, but do not read if you are faint of heart haha. Also, this chapter is named after a song by Penelope Scott. I really encourage you to listen to it while reading, the lyrics just describe Light's pain in this chapter too perfectly imo. 
> 
> (TW: Graphic descriptions of gore. Detailed self-harm, and implied suicide. It's not suicide, though. Keep these things in mind while reading.)
> 
> Okay well...here we go. I hope you all enjoy and as always I hold all of your reviews and comments dear to my heart<3 Thank you to everyone who has decided to read this fic, it means more to me than I could ever say.

His eyes slid open to gaze upon the white ceiling. He blinked his eyes, banishing the leftover sleepiness from them. The brunette rubbed his eyes furiously, and his mouth stretched into a yawn. He felt warm and snug in his cocoon of blankets, and made a small noise of contentment as he snuggled into his pillow. Even though the blackout curtains did not let any sunlight through, Light somehow knew the weather was nice. He could imagine the clouds lazily lounging in the blue sky and the sounds of birds chirping cheerily. Because, today was going to be a good day. Today was the day they were going to catch Higuchi and he could finally clear his name. Today was the day that-

Oh, right. Last nights events came crashing back onto him like a tsunami wave. And he felt a frown tug at his lips. His heart clenched in on itself and he briefly wondered if he should try smothering himself with his pillow. All of the lies, all of the betrayals….Light wanted to kick something. Or go eat a bunch of ice cream. Wasn’t ice cream supposed to cure a broken heart?

Most importantly, he didn’t want to speak to L. He didn’t want to even look at him. Light wondered if he could pretend that he had gone deaf in the night. Because he knew if he was forced to converse with the raven-haired fiend, he would most likely scream at him. Or attempt to smack his smug face. But, it would do no good to get mad at L. Because, then L wouldn’t be able to use him anymore and the detective would probably place him back into solitary confinement. No, he had all the power right now. L didn’t know that he knew, and Light wanted to keep it that way. To could play this game of chicken.

He briefly wondered if he should pretend to sleep through the whole day. But, L had unfortunately already seen his movements. And so, an annoying monotone voice suddenly spoke to him. “Good morning dear, how did you sleep?”

Light wanted to vomit. *Dear?* He thought, bitterly. He knew he wasn’t ‘dear’ to L at all. The nicknames that he had once found sweet now sounded like nails grating on a chalkboard.

Light sulkily stared up at the ceiling. He had been taught that if you didn’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. And as long as Light didn’t speak to him, L couldn’t attempt to warp his mind any further. Right?

But L was oblivious to the cause of Light’s anger. “Light? Did you hear me?”

Again, radio silence.

Suddenly, L’s unpleasant face suddenly appeared above his own make Light flinch. The detective’s beady black eyes stared into his, and his mouth was turned down into a quizzical frown. Light pretended that L was invisibly, and stared straight past the man. 

“Light? Are you still feeling sick?” L inquired again, and his breath hit Light’s lips. He was suddenly distracted by how close L’s face was to his own. He stared deep into L’s concerned eyes and scowled. He narrowed his eyes and gave L his most icy glare. He was very angered at the fact that despite everything he knew, the close proximity made Light want to reach up and kiss L. What a nightmare. This was worse than when the demon had chased him through the forest. 

“Light? Answer me when i’m talking to you.” L’s voice suddenly grew stern. Light could almost feel his blood physically boiling. While once that might’ve scared him into compliance, he knew L’s tricks now.

Suddenly, he felt long cold fingers trail over his cheek. *This is not happening.* Light thought, miserably. If the situation wasn’t so horrific, he might’ve laughed at the absurdity of it. He had literally been sleeping with the enemy. And now L thought he could do whatever he wanted, and treat Light as if he loved him. 

His touch burned Light’s skin, and Light suddenly sat up. If l hadn’t of had Lightning quick reflexes their head would’ve clashed together. Light stifled a sigh and stop to make his way over to the bathroom. He made sure to drag his feet. But, nothing could ever be so simple as L held the chain taught between his hands. This made Light stop dead in his tracks, so as not to fall over. His body still felt weak from sleep, and he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to tug away from L’s grasp.

“What are you doing?” L demanded from behind him. Light made it a point to keep his back to the raven.

“Answer me now, or you won’t like the punishment I choose for you.” L threatened, making Light pale. 

*Oh no, that is certainly never happening again!* He assured himself, angrily. It pained him to imagine how weak and needy he must’ve looked during all of their trysts. And that must have pleased the sadist known as L oh so much. He wished he could have had a little more control around the man and simply masturbated in the shower alone. He hated to think about how submissive he had been.

So, he twirled around gallantly. He’d kill L with kindness, if the detective was that hellbent on receiving conversation from him. He felt his lips widen into a grin that couldn’t be described as anything but fake. 

“Oh hello Ryuzaki, how are you today?” He asked, his voice going a pitch higher. Pettishly, he made it a point to call L by his alias. He never called L Ryuzaki, unless they were in the presence of others.

L narrowed his eyes, and looked Light up and down. “What’s wrong with you?” He asked, lowly.

Light cocked his head, and placed his hands on his hips. “I’m just happy is all.” He told the man. “Happy, happy, happy…yep that’s me!”

Light swore that he could see L’s eyes bulging out of his skull. The man looked perplexed. “….Do you have a fever?” He inquired. He jumped off of the bed and placed a cold hand to Light’s forehead, making Light take a giant step back. 

“What? I can’t be happy?” He demanded, some of that hidden anger creeping into his voice. “At least I’m not a emotionless black hole!”

L eyes narrowed and he took a dangerous step towards Light, making the brunette walk back towards the wall nervously. He swore he could see steam shooting out of L’s ears, his black eyes flamed with anger.

*Oops.* He thought, guilty. *I can’t make him mad, or else he’ll just take it out on me even further!*

So Light chuckled nervously and offered a contrite smile. “Sorry.” He apologized, forcing the word out of his choked throat. “I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, is all.”

But L didn’t stop moving towards him, and cornered Light into the wall. Light’s back hit the surface painfully and he gulped. Anxiety overflowed inside of him and he struggled not to raise his hands in fear. He could feel himself slightly shaking. It was as if his body was vibrating, without his permission that is.

L’s eyes scanned over him, slowly. And when they rested back on his face, they were filled with dumbfounded confusion. “Why are you trembling?”

“It’s cold in here, I guess.” Light offered, looking up at the ceiling. 

“It’s not.” L deadpans. *Fuck him, he doesn’t know what my internal body temperature is.* “What don’t you want to tell me?”

He continues staring at the ceiling, a small smile tugging at his lips. *I don’t want to tell him anything.* Light thinks. *I want to tell him how much I hate him, I hate him so much that my soul aches. I hate what he’s done to me. I hate that he made me love him. I want him to plunge a knife into my chest and then kiss me softly. I want him to disappear and suddenly become apart of me, because somehow that would make what’s happening easier.*

But Light doesn’t say any of those things, he just feels himself sway unsteadily. “Nothinggggg.” He drawls. “I’m fine.”

Because, he is.

“You’re obviously not.” L says, and Light can hear the frown in his voice. “You’re acting like a fearful dog who’s about to be beaten by his owner but has too much pride to show that he’s afraid.” 

*And fuck him too, for comparing me to a mangy mutt.* Light seethes. L just keeps adding sins to the long list of things he will be burning in hell for. 

“Why won’t you look at me?” L quietly asks. “Are you upset with me?”

Light then looks down from the ceiling and stares into L’s black orbs. They stare at him uneasily, trying to calculate what maladie he is currently suffering from to be acting like this. Heartbreak is quite the ugly illness, indeed.

“I’m not.” Light lies, because L deserves it.

But L still doesn’t let him go. “You ARE.” He accuses with finality, finally solving the not so complicated puzzle. “Why? What have I done?”

“I said I’m not mad.” Light almost rolled his eyes, but feared that would earn him a slap. He had no idea what to expect from L anymore. “I just miss my old bed.” He adds some truth to the statement, hoping that it will calm L down.

It doesn’t. L stares at him as if he is a woolly mammoth who has just stepped into his room via time travel. “What’s wrong with this bed?”

Light shrugs. “Nothing in particular.” *Besides the fact that you’re in it.* “I just want to go home, is all.”

L furrows his eyebrows, not comprehending the idea that Light has finally grown tired of this chain gang act. He licks his lips, slowly. “Why are you bringing this up now?”

Light internally sighs. It’s as good a time as any to try and get some truthful answers out of L. Does L even know what the definition of truth is? Light may very well being trying to pry answers out of a brick wall. “When we catch Higuchi tonight, does that mean I’ll be able to go home?”

L’s grip loosens and he hangs his head, sighing loudly. Light’s heart sinks. “Not until I am absolutely sure you are not Kira.” L tells him tiredly. “Please, don’t fight with me about this today Light-kun. I-“

“Right.” Light interrupts, his voice thick with repressed screams. He can’t get into this conversation, not now. Because if he does, the dam will break loose and a tidal wave of hate will be unleashed on the detective. And then, one of them will probably walk away with a broken bone. Why does it matter anyway? Light knows that L is never going to let him go, he practically confirmed it last night. 

“Light, it’s not so bad here. Right?” L prods, trying to receive a positive answer from the brunette. Light’s muscles stiffen and he bites his tongue. Angry thoughts run through his mind like wildfire. “You get to stay with me, and I thought that you loved me?”

*That’s the problem.*

“What is love?” Light murmurs. “It’s just a word, it doesn’t mean anything. Not really. And even if it did, it doesn’t matter. Not in this world. In a world like this, all of the rot and darkness stomps out anything close to love. Love is overpowered by evil, and therefore probably doesn’t exist. Evil is too powerful a force.”

L looks as if he’s seen a ghost, and his already pale face whitens impossibly more. Light thinks he can see the bones under that translucent skin. He suddenly feels such a strong wave of emotions rush through him that he wants to grab L by the shoulders and demand that the man tell him the truth. He wants to L to tell him that he loves him, and kiss it better. He wants a simple solution, not all of this mess. 

“Light?” L sounds lost. “Where has all of this morbidness come from?”

Light sighs moodily, and feels his legs go weak. “I don’t know.” He mumbles. “I hate myself, I guess.”

“Why?” L exclaims. “Light, you clearly don’t hate yourself. You’re not some emo now, are you? Snap out of this!”

“I hate myself because I love myself.” Light answers in another riddle, furiously chewing on his bottom lip. “And I never get what I deserve.”

“You aren’t making any sense.” L declares with some sort of authority, but his voice wavers. “Did you have another nightmare.”

Light chuckles darkly, and the sound reverberates over his hollow bones. “Of a sort."

L suddenly steps away from him, and touches his shoulder softly. Light feels as if he’s been hit. The detective stares at him in concern, but Light knows it’s fake. “What was the nightmare about, dear?”

“I dreamed that I was nothing but bones and a beating heart.” Light tells him wistfully, leaning his head against the wall as he closes his eyes and dreams up horrifying beautiful nightmare scenarios that would perfectly sum up his life. “I was in a cold room somewhere. A cold, empty, white room. But I was perfectly fine in this desolate space, because I was alone. And solitude is the most glorious feeling. You have nothing to fear if you are alone with yourself, unless you happen to be a madman. But, that’s besides the point. Anyways, then, this fantastical beast emerged from the wall as if the wall wasn’t even there. It devoured my heart, it gnashed it’s teeth loudly and ripped the poor organ to pieces. You should’ve seen the blood Ryuzaki, it stained the beast’s mouth so prettily.” 

“That sounds rather disturbing.” L comments, and his voice sounds faint. “But it was just a dream, Light. It wasn’t real. You shouldn’t be so upset.”

Light laughs silently at the knowledge only he knows. It’s a powerful feeling. He feels as if he rules the world. He is in charge, and the mere people who populate this land are nothing more than chess pieces to him. “Dreams are just a slightly exaggerated reality.” He explains. “My dreams are omens. They are my truth, and only I can understand them."

He then realizes that he must sound as if he’s raving, and clears his throat. “Don’t pay attention to anything I’m saying, I’m just thinking aloud.”

“Light.” L murmurs, and Light knows he’s lost the plot. L doesn’t know what to do with him, anymore. He’s a wildcard. He’s broken out of his cage and is running around frantically, and there’s nothing L can do to stop him. “There’s something more that’s upsetting you, I know it. I can see it in your eyes.”

“Don’t look at my eyes.” Light snaps, before he can help himself. L’s gaze turns scathing. 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” L asks testily, bringing a thumb to his mouth to chew on furiously. “You say these things as if they are supposed to mean something to me.”

“Oh L.” Light suddenly turns desperate. He launches himself forward and clings onto the detective desperately, as if he is about to melt away. He claws at L’s white shirt, desperate for comfort, and he feel’s L’s muscles stiffen underneath him. His eyes feel moist, and that’s not fair. He doesn’t want to be sad. He wants to be victorious, he wants to be free. “Kiss me.” He mumbles into the crook of L’s neck, and pulls away to meet L’s face. Their noses brush together and Light feels woozy. He’s in love, and he’s in pain. Everything hurts. It preposterous, it feels as if even his white blood cells ache. 

L’s eyes are dark and abyssal, and Light cannot tell what he’s thinking. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. *Eyes are the windows to the soul.* He muses. *Maybe that’s why I can’t see inside of L’s*

“Light-kun.” L murmurs, and Light can’t stand the way he speaks his name. The name sounds deadly to him, coming from L’s poisoned lips. The man shouldn’t have the right to utter that sacred name. L shouldn’t of had the right to make Light fall in love with him. L shouldn’t of had one single shred of power over him. But, here they are. 

“Kiss me.” He whispers, and frantically crushes his mouth onto the detective’s. He can’t think, he can’t feel, he can’t move. He needs to feel nothing and he needs to feel something simultaneously. He needs to feel L’s mouth on his, because he wants to think that maybe everything wasn’t a total lie. He wants to feel affection, even if it’s just a sliver. Even if it’s nonexistent. He wants to silence the screaming in his soul. 

L responds, and pulls him closer. Light doesn’t want L to touch him, but he allows it. Because, he owns his own body. He controls his vessel. Right?

*No, not anymore. L can use your body however he sees fit and both of you know that.* His mind tells him, and Light is filled with stinging betrayal.

No matter, L can have his body. But he can’t own his mind. Light’s mind is safe, and no one can touch it except for himself. L will never know how much Light agonizes over him. L will never know what exactly Light thinks of him. He will never know how deep the knife of deception he was wielding has pierced into his heart, filling him with blackness. Light’s mind is valuable buried treasure, and only he has the key. He is the bringing and destroyer of his own fate, no one else.

But L’s lips make it harder to remember that.

He kisses him not with passion, but with abjection. Their tongues clash together wildly and Light feels as if he is trying to eat the other man alive. He wants to know him, he wants to know why L did what he did. He wants a reason for his misery. He wants his suffering to mean something. But, he is just another object to L. L kisses him with reckless abandon, and Light can feel the lust radiating off of the other. But, it’s not real. It’s imaginary. It is created for his own downfall.

His lips are wet and slick, and he feels that sour feeling well up in his throat yet again. He feels L’s teeth ghost across his bottom lip, before they latched onto the tender flesh. Light endures this, and pushed his body against L’s silently asking for more. He wants his teeth to break skin. He wants to bleed, he wants the pain to overwhelm all of these other ugly feelings. He can take it, he knows he can. He wants L’s violence, so that he can be reminded of what a brute he is.

He feels pure devastation. He is the loneliest he has ever been, being held in L’s arms. He only has himself. No one else is worthy of his affections. They no longer exist, they disintegrated as soon as L spit out those horrid truths. 

L’s cold fingers slowly slip past his waistband, and Light hardly notices. He is much too focused on his inner turmoil. He cannot figure out why he hasn’t yet pulled away. He doesn’t understand why he wants this, why he craves this. It’s like he’s under some spell.

But the mist of the spell he is under is suddenly clears as he feels L stroking him. Panic filled his veins as he felt as if he were on fire. He can’t take it anymore. L thinks everything is the same, but it’s not. He thinks he can use Light because he is none the wiser. 

But Light knows, he knows everything.

He ripped his mouth away from L’s, and scrambles away from his grasp. He stands as far away as he can from the detective, breathing heavily. He clenches and unclenches his fists, and can feel his heartbeat in his throat. L stares back at him in shock, his slightly swollen mouth hanging open.

“What’s wrong-“ He steps towards Light but he backs up, shaking his head wildly. No, this is all wrong.

“Don’t!” He hisses, venom filling his voice. “Don’t.” He can’t help it, he can’t take L’s close proximity anymore. He can’t take the way that L is looking at him, as if he doesn’t understand what’s happening. As if he still thinks Light is weak and dumb, and doesn’t know how L really feels about him. As if he thinks Light should love him unconditionally and allow him to do whatever he pleases. The words from last night replay in Light’s mind, and he can feel himself shaking.

L pauses his movements, but still looks if he wants to come forward and comfort Light. Light hates that look. He wants L to tell him the truth, he wants L to tell him how he really feels. It doesn’t matter how painful it is, the lies hurt worst. Because when L looks at him like he cares, it stings. Because then Light almost wants to convince himself that L is being truthful. If L pretends like he loves him, Light can almost make himself believe that. But he can’t. He doesn’t want to be lied to anymore.

“Did I hurt you?” L asks in a soft tone that makes tears fill his eyes. Light nods his head. *If only you knew. Yes, you have hurt me darling. You’ve destroyed a part of me and I don’t know if I can ever get it back.*

“How? Oh Dear I didn’t mean to.* L says in a contrite tone that Light knew had been falsified because, *Yes, yes you did mean to hurt me.* 

“You did though.” Light hasn’t even realized he’s said these words, but they’re out in the open now and he can’t take them back. Anger and hurt and fear and betrayal takes over his being and he can’t act anymore. God how it had been so easy to fake his emotions before but he can’t with L. Because L knows him and L makes him honest. He despises it.

L furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean? Of course I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never want to purposefully cause you distress-“

“Stop, just stop.” Light interrupts harshly. He can’t take this anymore. He had wanted to keep the upper hand and deceive L like he had deceived him but he can’t bear it. The emotions are ripping him open and laying him bare, forcing him to be honest. “I know L.”

“What?” L questions. Because he didn’t know, of course he didn’t know. How could one of the world’s greatest minds be so dull about this? 

“I heard you.” Light hisses. A mournful smile takes over his face, and he just wants to confront L with facts he knows the detective won’t be able to deny. “I was awake last night, when you were talking to Watari.”

And, yes, he says this in perfect english. Not a trace of an accent was heard. He speaks english, he knows english. Maybe if L had spoken to his handler in french none of this would be happening and Light would still be happy. But that hadn’t of happened. 

L’s eyes widen into the size of dinner plates and he looks like a caught murderer. He freezes in the middle of the room and doesn’t dare take another step towards Light. Light can’t even tell if he’s breathing anymore and Light imagines the shock coursing through the other’s body. He opens his mouth, and then shuts it, and then opens it again. And Light knows he’s looking for another lie to feed him. 

“What did you just say?” L whispers. L doesn’t quite know everything Light knows yet, and he wants to inspect the situation at hand. He wants to know how much damage control he needs to do and if there’s anyway he can convince Light to love him again. He’s a horse whisperer talking to a wounded mare. 

Light sucks in a deep breath, and it hurts his chest. “You don’t love me.” He states, rather bluntly. Because that’s the truth, isn’t it? His heart fills with despair. Because thinking these things and actually speaking the words are two different things, and it feels more real now. It feels like last night is happening all over again and betrayal seizes his heart. He feels as if his bones are made of glass. 

L doesn’t say anything to that so Light continues, the words spilling out of him like vomit. “All of it, everything has been a lie! You used me as if I was nothing more than a puppet. All because you think I’m Kira, right? That gave you the excuse to rip my heart out, right?” 

L still doesn’t say anything, he just stares a Light with those blank eyes. Those cold, unfeeling, black holes. “Say something dammit!”

“…Light,” L starts out, his voice low and calming. “I don’t know what you think you heard, but I can promise you that whatever I said to Watari was just a lie. I didn’t want him to tell your father, you see. I had to make him think as if you weren’t important to me.”

Ice stabs into his heart. *He’s denying it?* Of course, of course he’s denying it. It’s what L’s best at, lying. Why would this time be any different? What else would he do in this situation besides somehow trying to convince Light that HE was the crazy one who was simply just hearing things. Light knows what he heard, and he is not dumb. No he is not. L’s excuse hangs in the air, waiting for Light to accept it.

“That’s a fucking lie.” Light spits. “How inept do you think I am? Why did you talk in english then? Why talk in a language that you thought I didn’t know? If you were telling the truth, you wouldn’t have done that. You didn’t want me to hear you, but I did, and all I’m asking for is the truth!”

His voice cracks at the end, and he curses himself. He doesn’t want to sound as if he is begging, but in a way he is. 

“That is the truth!” L exclaims, and now he looks angry. And no, he isn’t allowed to feel angry. Light narrows his eyes. “I spoke in english because I didn’t want you overhearing and misconstruing my words and oh look that’s exactly what is happening!”

“Then why do you look so guilty?” Light counters. “Just admit you’re caught. Seriously, I know you thought that I was some naive little pet because of how willingly I gave you my heart but you’re mistaken. Just because I loved you doesn’t mean that my brain suddenly went on vacation. I know what I heard, and nothing is going to convince me otherwise!”

L closes his eyes and massages his temples, as if HE is the one in great distress. “Light, please don’t have this fight with me today.” He grumbles, as if it’s Light’s fault. “You shouldn’t be so insecure about my love for you. I feel I’ve already proven how much I care for you, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, you were really good at acting.” Light nods, his soul filling with acid. “That’s what you said to Watari, right? That you were just acting, and you felt ‘nothing’ for me? Didn’t you also say that I was a manipulative liar who you would coerce a confession out of no matter what?”

“I didn’t mean it.” L says much too quickly, like a guilty bastard would. “I wouldn’t have kissed you the way I did if I was just using you.”

“Stop manipulating me!” Light all but screams, his frustration is threatening to choke him. “Tell me the truth, come on L can’t you do that? Because I’m never falling for your tricks again so you might as well just get everything out in the open, right? I know we were playing some twisted little game, but I’m over it! You have a shitty poker face right now and I can see the deceit in your eyes. So go on! Put it all out there, lay all your cards on the table!”

And all at once, the soft comforting look on L’s face fades. He stands up straighter, straighter than Light has ever seen him stand. He’s like a peacock who’s finally revealing his feathers. His facial expressions turns cold as ice and blank. He looks like a stone statue. The stoninesses of his empty gaze makes a shiver run up Light’s spine.

“Okay.” L nods, slightly. “But you cannot be mad at me for this, Light-kun. I told you from the very beginning that I would do anything to catch Kira. I told you from the beginning that my investigations were unorthodox.”

“And that makes it okay?” Light implores. L sighs.

“I understand that you feel hurt.” He looks off to the side. “But this can not affect the case, nor our professional relationship. Let’s be adults about this, hm? Let’s not let emotions cloud our judgement. I don’t need you storming around the place and spitting out catty insults in front of the task force. This isn’t a high school break-up and you aren’t a distraught girlfriend.”

Light feels his uncaring words pierce his skin like needles and has to take a slight step back to ground himself. “Adults.” He repeats, slowly. “You want to be adults about this? It’s a little late for that! You completely toyed with my emotions and I-I can’t believe you’re being so condescending right now!”

“Because I know how you are.” L hisses, turning his narrowed gaze back to Light’s wide-eyed one. “You’re angry and will most likely want to extract your pound of flesh. And you may act however you want when it is just the two of us. But we have a job to do today and your sulking will ruin it entirely! No, today is not the day for you to try and get back at me. Today we’re catching Kira and I will continue to do my job no matter what.”

Light feels his veins fill with fury at how blasé L is behaving. L is acting like he is reading from prompt cards, he is acting as if Light is some mad lover that he just has to appease. “I would never do anything to disrupt the case.” Light defends ferociously, trying his best not to spit at L’s feet. “I don’t let my emotions interfere with my work, that’s you.”

“Me?” Ah, now there’s some emotion in L’s voice. He sounds completely offended.

“You have some crazy obsession with me!” Light accuses, pointing a finger at the raven. “You’ve imprisoned me based only off your suspicions. What exactly makes me Kira, huh? My hair? The way I walk? The way my eyes shift to the side? Remind me again just how you’re so sure that I’m Kira.”

L’s mouth set into a tight line. “Do we really have to go over this again?” He complained. “For one, Kira had to have been connected to the NPA as they had access to highly classified files. Your father is chief of the NPA. The FBI agent who was trailing you died suspiciously-“

“I didn’t even know an FBI agent was following me!” Light exclaims, throwing his hands up. “How do you explain that?”

“You say that you didn’t know an FBI agent was following you.” L states dryly, and Light rolls his eyes angrily. “Then, his fiance disappears, and was most likely killed-“

“Again, so I killed the fiance who I had never met of an FBI agent that I didn’t know was trailing me.” Light interrupts again. “Well, if that’s the case I must be some kind of psychic genius!”

“Stop interrupting me!” L hisses. “You asked for evidence, so I’m giving you evidence.”

“Was there any physical evidence that connected me to their deaths?” Light interrupted angrily. “Do you have footage of me killing them, or any proof whatsoever?”

L just ignores him. “Then, you start dating Misa Amane, just as the second Kira appears.” His lips drew back into a snarl. “Say whatever you want Light, facts don’t lie. The facts are Kira is a student with connections to the police. As soon as I arrange for an agent to follow you, he dies. Then his fiance dies. Then you start dating the second Kira. Kira is a genius, and knows how to get away with his crimes seamlessly. You fit the profile, what can I say?”

“I was framed!” Light shouts. “I’ll die on this hill if I have to. There are hundreds of people in the Kanto region who have connects to the NPA. And I started dating Misa because she approached me in a damn coffee shop! And so what if I’m smart? You can’t use that as fucking evidence! Do you hear yourself? That’s not admissible in court!”

“Well, then who framed you.” L countered. “Why do I not have any suspects besides you?”

“Because you’re stubborn.” Light crosses his arms and stares the detective down. “You decided it just had to be me, and wouldn’t even consider anyone else! But if Misa is the second Kira, she approached me! That means she was working with the first Kira, and they both decided to frame me. How can’t you see that?”

“Because I know you, Kira-san.” L snaps spitefully. His mouth curves up into a wicked smile. “Or should I say kami? Since you have a God complex and all. That’s why you’re doing this, right? Because you want to rule in a perfect world, and you think killing off criminals is the way to do that?”

“I’m not Kira!” Light is livid. He doesn’t think he’s ever been more mad in his entire life. All he can see is red. “You will not get me to confess to something I didn’t do, and I’m certainly not going to be executed based off of your own personal vendetta.”

“You can say you’re not Kira all you want Light, it will never change my mind.”

“Are you going to kill me?” Light whispers. “Are you going to fake evidence just to win?”

L is silent for a few moments. The silence fills Light’s veins with poison. “I will find evidence, I don’t need to fake anything.”

“But you won’t find anything!”

“I guarantee you, I will. I have never lost a case and I will not loose this one. I am justice Light, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Justice?” Light feels the word fall from his mouth carelessly, and starts laughing humorlessly. He can’t help it, this stituation is just too funny. It is so, so, disgustingly funny. If this was a movie, he would break the fourth wall and stare into the camera derisively. Justice? Justice? What about L is justice?

The laughter bubbles from his lips, and he feels small tears collect in the corners of his eyes. The laughter sounds wild in his ears. He sounds completely unhinged, like a mad man. It echoes around the room and seems to make the walls shake. It is the most cruel sound he has ever heard. It shakes his very core. 

L is looking at him as if he is a tiger with blood dripping from his mouth. Though the detectives eyes remain impassive, Light can see the unease written on the other’s face as clear as day. They stare at each other, silently, as Light continues to cry out in spurts of laughter.

He gulps air down greedily, trying to catch his breath as the giggles subside. “HOW is this justice?” He asks, his voice full of morbid amusement. This is so unfunny, he feels that if he doesn’t keep widely smiling he might start crying. 

“Tell me, was manipulating me justice?” He continued, and his heart throbs painfully inside of his chest. “Was it justice when you lied to me every night when you told me you loved me? Was it justice when you fucked me while thinking about how much you despised me? Was it justice when you placed hidden camera’s into my room and spied on me?”

“That was for the investigation, to observe you.” L answers, quietly. He is staring at Light with some unknown emotion in his eyes. 

“Which was a violation of privacy and totally illegal, by the way.” Light hisses. “I was underage at the time too, so that just makes it better!”

L opens his mouth to respond, but Light doesn’t let him. He just keeps talking and talking. He wants L to see how much of a beast he truly is. 

“So, I guess my dad taking me to my own execution was justice too, right?” Light spits, closing his eyes as he relives the horrid memory. All he can see is the barrel of the gun in front of his face. He remembers the blackness that filled his heart, and how he thought he would die form fear alone. He remembered how he had started praying for mercy. He remembers praying that his mother wouldn’t be too distraught over his death. He remembers thinking that he would never see her again, and how that pain had twisted his heart. All he can feel is terror and dread. “It was justice traumatizing me? It was justice manipulating my own father into faking my own execution? That was all for justice, yes?”

L doesn’t respond, which just infuriates Light more. L can’t respond, because he knows there is nothing he could say to make this situation better. The only defense he has was that he was doing it for the case, and that isn’t good enough for Light. All of the suffering has been pointless. He swallows a painful lump in the back of his throat.

“Locking me away in solitary confinement for two months was for justice?” He whispers, hearing the sadness in his own voice. L’s eyes fill with fire.

“You cannot blame me for that!” He snaps angrily. “You volunteered!”

“Because I was scared!” Light shouted. “You were so convinced that I was Kira I didn’t think I had any choice! I thought that this would prove my innocence! But no, even after the murders started up again you still kept me locked away for four extra weeks!”

L looks confused. “How did you know about that?”

Light stares back at him in disgust. “That’s really the only thing you have to say?” He demands, and L doesn’t break his glare. “Matsuda told me.” He spits out.

L grimaces. “That idiot.” He mumbles sourly. “He was supposed to keep that confidential.”

“Why?” Light hisses. “Why? I deserved to know! The murders started up while I was under constant surveillance in a place where I couldn’t of possibly been able to kill anyone. How do you explain that?”

“It’s obvious that you passed your powers onto someone else.” L frowns. “Why did they stop when you were suddenly placed in confinement?”

Righteous anger burns inside his chest. “Because I AM BEING FRAMED.” He screams, his voice tearing at his throat until it aches. L doesn’t look affected in the slightest.

“Right.” His voice drips with sarcasm. “Are we done here? You’re not Kira, and I’m a bastard. Lovely. Let’s go downstairs now, hm? If you need a few minutes to collect yourself please do so.”

All of the air leaves Light’s lungs, and he feels as if a pot of boiling water has just been dumped upon him. His mind reels and he has to grab on to the nightstand behind him to ground himself. He feels his fingers digging into the wooden surface painfully. He feels his nails crack under the pressure. L really doesn’t care, does he? This was as easy to him as drinking a cup of coffee or taking a shower. L is completely unaffected by the devastation that he has caused, and Light is left alone to shoulder the misery.

Poison fills his veins. “I’m not doing this.” He declares quietly, and hears his own voice shaking. “I will tell my father about this, do you hear me? I don’t care what it takes, I’m done! I will not be chained to you for another unholy minute!”

A fearsome look enters L’s abyssal eyes, and his face turns as dark as night. He stares at Light with such anger that it only makes him shake more. “No you will not.” L tells him. “You will not get your father involved in this mess.”

“I won’t?” Light shoots back, but he hears the own uncertainty inside of his voice. “You’ve left me no choice. Either release me yourself or I’ll escape.”

“You won’t like what happens if you do that.” L threatens, and stalks up to Light slowly. Panic grips his heart and he tries to move away but his legs are frozen in place. His muscles feel stiff and his heart beats slowly. L’s footsteps seem to shake the very ground. 

He stands right in front of Light, barely giving him room to breathe. His eyes glare fire, and Light wonders for a moment if his own eyes have simply burst into flames. “I will ruin you if you tell Soichiro anything that happened between us. I will make your life a living hell. Your life will become so miserable that you’ll wish you were dead.”

“I don’t care.” Light whispers. “If I go down, then so do you.”

A crack fills the air as L’s hand harshly connects to his face. Light feels his head snap to the side fromm the blow, and fills his cheek begin to burn. The pain is white hot, and trickles all the way down into his soul. A quiet gasp of air leaves Light’s mouth as he slowly turns back to look at the detective in fear. His lungs feel tight and his vision is blurry. He can’t believe it. And apparently, L can’t either. He stares at his hand in shock, and Light can feel the dread radiating off of the other as he comes to the realization of what he’s just done.

The side of his face throbs painfully, and Light flinches when L’s eyes look at him again. L’s eyes fill with regret. “Look what you made me do.” He hisses softly. 

Before Light can even register what is happening, L has removed his handcuff and swiftly attaches it to the bed frame. L starts walking away and Light stares after him, dumbfounded. “What are you doing?” He asks, shakily. “Where are you going?"

L whirls around and stares at him hatefully. “You aren’t fit to go to work today.” He announces. “I won’t let you run your fat mouth all over headquarters, and you will not disrupt the plan. I’ll tell the Task Force that you are unwell, which you are.”

“You can’t keep me in here!” Light’s voice rises and dread settles in his stomach. His blood fills like static inside of his veins and he pulls against the chains. “Let me go!”

L doesn’t respond, he just gives him one last disdainful glare before he walks back to the door. Light continues to pull at the chain, but the bed won’t budge. He shakes his arm wildly making the chain jingle loudly, but his is still trapped. No, no this isn’t good. L cannot leave him in this room, he cannot! He frantically gasps for breath and falls onto the floor in a heap. His legs can no longer support him, they are shaking much too violently. He can barely hear himself as he calls out to L.

“Baka yarou!” He screams, and the sound is ripped from the very depths of his soul. It is a wailing cry, that comes out scratchy with a harsh crack. He can feel his pain hanging thickly in the air around him. “Who do you think you are? Stop fucking around!!”

But L simply leaves the room and closes the door with a harsh thud, making Light’s heart sink even further. He looks wildly around the room, trying to find a way to escape. 

The room seems to spin as he continues to hyperventilate. White noise fills his ears and he can barely hear the sounds of his panicked gasps. He feels starved of air and tries to drink in more oxygen, but it never feels like enough. Are the walls closing in? Has the room gotten darker? His whole body feels as if it is on fire. A jolt of fear runs up his spine and threatens to paralyze him. His vision grows blurry and he feels tears of frustration fall down his face. He pounds at the floor angrily, but to no avail. He could scream for help, but he knows that L has soundproofed their room. So, it would all be pointless.

He needs to escape. he cannot face L, not ever again. He knows that L will never let him go, the man will never not think of Light as Kira. He will keep him in this prison until Light goes mad and confesses. It’s what they do to criminals, after all. They will keep them captive in the worst places possible. They will coerce and scream and make the person confess, no matter if they are guilty or not. And Light knows that L will try and drive him mad. He will break Light down until he is so out of his mind that he doesn’t even know what he is saying. And he cannot let that happen. 

His frantic eyes suddenly catch sight of his cell phone. His hearts races, before he realizes that it is on the other side of the room. He starts over towards the dresser in which it is laying, but the chain pulls him back when he is only half way there. He grits his teeth and glares back at the cursed thing. 

He sighs loudly, and angrily hits the end of the bed with his fist. Something sharp pierces his hand, and he pulls it away in alarm. he frowns. *WHy on earth would there be something sharp in our bed?* He wonders. And, why does it feel so tiny….

He blindly searches around the comforter until he finds a small object sticking out of a hole in the mattress. It’s a bobby pin. He picks it up to inspect the small brown thing and it glints in the light.

*Misa must’ve dropped one of her’s when she made an unannounced visit to our room the other week.* Light thinks, sourly. Misa had burst in the door, because L had forgot to lock it. Luckily, they hadn’t of been doing anything indecent. She had jumped on their bed and tried to seduce Light, like she always did. L had stared at him owlishly, not offering any help at all. Light had had to endure her small kisses on his cheeks until he had groaned that he was exhausted. After tucking him into bed, she had grumpily left their room. L had just laughed about the whole affair. Idiot. 

Light goes to angrily toss it at the door, but suddenly an idea hits him full force. He looks at the small lock on the handcuff, back to the bobby pin. A wide grin breaks across his face and he struggles not to cry with joy. He can use the bobby pin to unchain himself!

Light mentally pats himself on the back. There’s a reason he’s the smartest student in Japan, after all. He suddenly feels as if he can breathe again as he inserts the end of the hair accessory in his handcuff. Sweat collects in his hair line, as he wiggles the bobby pin around. He prays to God. He can hear the clock ticking on the wall, and his hands fill unbearably sweaty.

Click.

The handcuff has opened!

“Fuck me.” Light whispers to himself as he tucks the cuff away. He holds his hand up and inspects it slowly, not truly believing what he is seeing. He swings his arm back and forth with ease, because he is free! His heart fills with joy as he runs across the room with no restrain.

“What do you think of that L?” He cheers loudly. He wants to taunt the detective, even if he can’t hear him. This is just too sweet. He feels himself bouncing on his toes. Adrenaline fills his blood and he feels static cover his entire body. He feels as if he could run a marathon. Light just cannot believe he has finally bested L. “This is my perfect victory! That’s right, I win!”

His lips start to ache from the wide smile he is maintaining, and he knows he must look maniacal. He just can’t help it, this is the happiest he has ever been. The smile grows…and grows….and he thinks about what L would say if he could see him now.

But all he receives in silence, and his grin slowly fades into a furious frown. He can feel his own eyes darken as he remembers the situation, and makes a mad dash for his phone. With shaking fingers, he flips the cell phone opens and quickly dials the number of the only person that can help him now.

His nerves fray with every passing second that the phone rings. And rings, and rings and….he paces around the room anxiously, and tries not to chew off every one of his last remaining fingernails. That wouldn’t be very sightly.

“Hello? Light?”

A warmth fills his soul and he nearly cries as he hears his mother’s soft voice from over the phone. His heart beats loudly and he swallows his sobs of relief. It’s okay, everything will be okay now. His mother will save him. She had always told him when he was a young boy that she would always be there to protect him from the monsters under his bed.

“Mama?” He croaks. “Oh thank God, I need your help!”

“Light?” Her voice fills with concern. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Okay?* He thinks, bitterly. Nothing is okay, not anymore. He sniffles loudly and realizes that hot tears have already started making their way down his face. “No, no I’m not. I’m in danger Mama, you need to come save me!”

“Light? Where are you? Talk to me.” His mother commands, sounding uneasy. He can imagine her fearful expression and hears a loud sob rip from his throat.

“I’m so sorry, I lied to you mom.” He cries. “Dad lied to you too. I-I’m not at an internship.”

“Light, it’s okay.” She soothes. “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“T-this man has trapped me here because he thinks I’m Kira.” Light swallows heavily and wipes his wet face. “But I’m not. I’m not mom I-I promise. Please believe me! I’m not Kira!”

“Light!” She sounds aghast. “What are you saying? Of course you aren’t a murderer baby, I know that.”

He feels his throat close up as those reassuring words cover him in a warm blanket of security. Right, his mother knows him. His mother loves him. She’s not L, she would never hurt him. 

“He’s going to kill me.” He whispers thickly. “Please mom, dad doesn’t believe he’s dangerous but he is!”

“Can you call the police?” She asks, and Light hears rustling in the background. “What type of situation are you in? How bad is it?”

“Bad.” He swallows. “The police are backing him, they won’t do anything. H-He’s above the law mom. No one believes me, they’ll all let him kill me! I-I I don’t…I don’t know what I can do!”

“Do you know where you are?” Light hears a door opening. “I’ll come get you, okay? You are still in Japan, yes? Is your father with you?”

“Oh mom, I don’t know where his tower is.” Light whispers and runs over towards the window. He rips the curtain open and looks down at the bustling city. All he can see is unimportant skyscrapers and little people walking. Nothing to offer him a clue of where he is. He can see no distinguishable landmarks. 

*Funny.* He muses to himself. *None of those people know what torment is going on just above their heads. They are all happy with their droll little lives. They have no idea that mine is being destroyed.*

“I-It’s in Tokyo, I know that.* He feels himself shaking and grips the phone tighter so that it will not fall from his grasp. “Dad is here but he won’t do anything mom, he believes L!” Bastards, all bastards. His mom doesn’t believe L though, she believes him. 

“Should I call your dad?” His mom frets. Light feels ice flood his veins.

“No!” He yelps. “No, they can’t know I’ve escaped.”

“Escaped?” His mother cries, and Light nods even though he knows she cannot see him.

“Out of handcuffs.” He whispered. “I see a cherry blossom tree, b-but…I guess that doesn’t help…Mama I don’t know what to do. I-I can’t breathe! Save me, please!”

“Light? What are you doing?” A cold voice makes him flinch, and terror closes his throat. 

He turns around slowly, and almost feels his heart stop when he sees L standing in the open doorway. He glares at Light ferociously and Light feels more tears fall from his eyes. He can’t think of anything to say, and he doesn’t know what he can do. His mind his blank. The only thing he feels is fear.

L looks livid, he looks as if he wants to kill him.

“Light?” His mother’s voice questions. “Are you still there.”

“Mom.” He whispers. “I love you o-okay?” He is saying goodbye, he knows L will never let him go after this. The man looks like satan himself, and his black eyes seem to glow red with hate but Light figures this is a last hallucination his brain is providing him with before he disappears forever. He sees L clench his fists and swallows. He imagines his mother’s tearful expression when she learns of Light’s passing, and his heart aches with a passion. “Please don’t be sad when I die…I-It’s okay.”

“Light?” His mother almost wails. He hears a car engine start up and his heart sinks as he wishes he had the damned address. “What are you saying? What’s happening?”

“Hang up the phone!” L hisses, and his dark eyes fill with panic. Light shakes his head, biting his cheek so hard that he feels the tender flesh split open. The inside of his mouth throbs dully. The two stare at each other for what seems like hours, each calculating what to do next. Light wants to move but he can’t. L looks like a lion about to attack.

Suddenly, L makes a sudden dash for him. Light yelps and adrenaline fills him to the brim. Before L can touch him, he suddenly jumps onto the bed. It teeters  
perilously from underneath him and he flails his arms so as not to fall. The phone almost slips from his grasp. His heart feels as if it has detached from the veins holding it in place and is now bouncing wildly throughout his entire body. 

“He’s gonna lock me up again!” Light cries, jumping off the bed as L lunges for him again. His feet hit the floor painfully and a jolt runs through his whole body, almost making him fall over yet again. “It’s L! L is going to kill me! Tell dad to help! Please!”

L leaps off the bed and Light quickly backs up until his back crashes against the bathroom door. He swallows bile. He is trapped, and L is advancing quickly. “Stay away!” He cries as L rushes forwards and grabs his hand tightly. Pain shoots up his arm as he can feel the skin and muscles and bone that are becoming crushed under L’s grip. His hand unwillingly unlatches from the phone and it falls to the floor with a loud crash. 

“Light? Are you okay?” His mother screams from the floor. “Answer me!”

He swallows painfully and cannot answer, his voice has left him. He breathes heavily out from his nose as he stares into L’s furious black orbs. They are as black as night.

Without thinking, he uses his free hand to swiftly punch L in the face. His grip loosens and Light feels the flesh flatten against his fist. He doesn’t stop to relish it, however, as he suddenly yanks the bathroom door open and runs inside. He can hear L from the outside and frantically locks the door shut. The door handle flips back and forth furiously, but the door does not open. Loud pounding suddenly sounds at the door nearly making Light jump out of his skin. His terror blinds him as he backs up until he hits the sink. His hyperventilating intensifies, and he feels his knees weaken. He has just trapped himself even further!

“Light? Open this door.” L commands in a tone that makes his skin crawl. “Open it now or you won’t like what happens when I come in there and get you!”

L continues screaming as Light frantically paces around the small room. His vision grows blurry and he feels dizzy. Nausea fills his stomach and he feels as if he is being strangled. He begins to stumble and he crashes into the shower. His shoulder aches but he can’t focus on that now. Nothing feels real, he is in a nightmare he can’t wake up from. He is in a nightmare that no one can save him from. His veins fill with yet more ice as he hears the doorknob try to turn yet again. 

“I have a key Light!” L threatens. “I’m giving you five seconds before I forcefully open this door!”

Those words send a knife of pure terror through his heart. *No, no.*

If L catches him now, it’ll all be over. No, there’s only one solution left. A solution he hadn’t of thought he’d have to resort to until now. His head feels heavy and he fears he will pass out. His stomach clenches and unclenches, and he gags. He breathes in a violent gasp of air, before turning to look into the mirror.

His reflection is frightening. It almost makes him scream. Bountiful tears make their way down his pale face. He looks sickly, like a mere corpse. He sees a flash of red from the mark the L must’ve left earlier on his cheekbone. His eyes are red-rimmed and wide. Those brown orbs of his are filled with horror, and he looks like he has just seen a ghost. He looks worse than if he had just seen a ghost. His hair is wild and matted, and sticks up in angles from his frantic running. He runs a shaky, clammy hand through the sweaty brown locks. They feel like hay from in-between his fingers and grips he them hard. His mouth is wide open and he can see it struggling to breathe in more air. His whole body trembles, and he looks like a husk of his former self. He imagines this is what poor victims must look like before they are stabbed through the heart. He looks scared out of his wits. He looks at himself in horror as he slowly approaches the mirror. 

His dark circles look almost black, they make his eyes appear haunted and hollow. He takes in his destroyed appearance and knows that this is not Light Yagami’s face. No it is not. This is someone else entirely. Because, he would recognize his own face. His face is stunning, like it was crafted from the gods themselves. His own eyes gleam and sparkle, and are hooded with ease. His skin would never be this pasty, this devoid of color. Light Yagami would never be afraid for his one life. No, this is L’s victim. 

He bits his chapped bottom lip as he slowly lifts a fist up. He knows what he has to do, and he dreads it.

But there’s only one escape from this building, the hospital.

He doesn’t hesitate as he smashes his fist into the mirror, using the last of his remaining strength to do so. The shatter of the mirror, for some unknown reason, soothes his frayed nerves. The sounds reverberates around the bathroom and he feels Nirvana. He’s in control again. He watches the shards of glass fall away with rapt interest, they look like twinkling stars falling from the sky. They look like the end of the world, or at least the end of his. They lay in the sink and around the counter, glinting dangerously. He takes one last glimpse of himself in the shattered mirror. It looks like pieces of his face are gone. He looks like a heavenly mosaic. One of his eyes stares into the shattered remains darkly. 

“Light? What was that noise?” L demands, and Light is reminded of his existence. Swallowing the last of his hesitation, he picks up a rather large piece from the remains. The sharpness pricks his fingers and he lets out a small hiss of pain as the blood drips onto the shard. The red liquid slid around the smooth surface before falling to the counter. The red spatters of his own essence made him feel queasy for a moment. But he pushed it down. There wasn’t time for this. He had to do it now. 

With cold hands, he rolls up the sleeves of his maroon long-sleeve. Hm, the same color as blood. *At least it won’t stain terribly.* He thinks, grimly. His unmarred flesh looks like a sheet of unmarked paper. Pure and pristine. The flesh looks so soft and so delicate. He can see the purplish greenish veins near his wrist and grimaces. He despises L for forcing him to harm himself in this way. He despises the fact that he will be scarred forever. His flesh will never be this pretty again. All that will be left is a reminder of the brokenness. Everyone will know and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to wear short sleeves again. A part of him will be tainted, a part that everyone can see. He’ll be ugly, forever and ever. Light doesn’t want to be thought of as damaged goods. He is better than this. But not really, it seems.

At least he is causing the damage, then it can be good damage. It can be a battle scar, one that proves his strength. 

He bites his lip, knowing he hasn’t much time. He can register L’s screams, but they are garbled and sounds like he is shouting from a great distance away. Ah, no matter. The screams aren’t important. Nothing L says is important, anyway. He is here with himself now, in a place where only he himself can do harm. So, he allows himself to draw the shard closer to his skin. It hangs barely a centimeter from still beautiful skin and he feels a chill run up his arm. It’s a chill of anticipation. He could stop this, right now. He doesn’t have to hurt himself, he could still protect his arm. He knows he could, but he won’t. And that somehow makes it better. 

He feels absolutely hollow. He is in a dream-like trance. If he pretends he is watching another man do this to himself, he can be okay. He is a silent observer, nothing more. His heart strikes into his chest, begging him to stop. 

He studies the skin coldly, not wanting to make this any more messy than it has to be. He doesn’t want to flinch and accidentally slice into a real vein. He can’t make it too deep, but it can’t be too shallow. He needs to hit a place that will strike fear into everyone’s heart but his own. Because, he knows what he is doing right? Yes, he is the brightest student in Japan. He is perfect in every way. If he wanted to kill himself right now, he very well could. But, he won’t. He will be perfect at failing his own suicide. 

Vertical is harder to stich up, should I make a few incisions horizontally? Should I slash a few thin lines and be done with it? Can I take that?

The shard ghosts his skin and he moves it to the middle of his forearm. Well, now he’s just stalling. He really doesn’t want to do this. Can’t he do it to L instead? No, he’d struggle to much. How do murderers manage to kill their victims anyway? Wouldn’t they squirm and writhe around, making it impossible to be precise when you stab into them? The human body is messy, and there are many places to wound a person. But there are few to actually strike them dead. Maybe that’s why doing it to oneself is easier. Because you know what you are about to do and you know there is no room for surprises. You know that you won’t struggle. 

So, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to feel nothing, he presses down. 

It slides into his flesh easily, as if he is a moist cake. Yes, that’s it. He is a baker cutting a slice of cake for L. He is nothing but cake to L.

It is embedded in his flesh, but there is no pain. Nothing. It feels like absolute nothing. Light smiles, maybe he is stronger than pain. Maybe the emotional pain already sucked him dry, and he has no more feeling left to spare. This’ll be easier than he thought.

So, he drags it across his skin in a lightning fast motion. And oh, there is pain now. Searing hot, bone tingling pain. It feels as if he has just ingested fire, and it is melting him from the inside out. He bites his lip to muffled his pained cry, but it slips out anyway. He sounds like a wounded animal in a trap. A trap of his own design. The cut lays barren for a few moment, before blood seeps out a readily drips down his arm. God, there’s so much. And it’s surprisingly warm. It’s like the world’s sickest waterfall. A red waterfall filled with pain. He could drown in it, if he keeps cutting. Maybe he will. Because now adrenaline has kicked in and he feels energized. It feels as if the hard part is over. Because, while the pain is still biting hot, it is soothing in a way. It distracts him from his troublesome thoughts. 

He again pierces his flesh and tears it apart. Three seems like a good number, but it’s odd. He wants a little damage as possible, but he has to drive the message home. Maybe four? Maybe he should carve an L. Wouldn’t that be delicious irony? L is the murderer here.

He hears the faint sound of blood dripping onto the tiles and sinks to his knees. He has one more to go, but oh God the pain is eating him alive. His arm is screaming at him in protest, it is begging for him to stop. He clutches the hurt limb and more blood comes out. It is spreading over his arm and he can’t even tell where the cuts are anymore. It feels as if he is incredibly vulnerable. The cold air hits his exposed flesh and it cries out in protest. The feeling makes him nauseous. There is just so, so much blood. How deep did he cut? He can’t remember.

Panic grips his chest as he makes the final cut. He can feel the cold glass in his muscles and shivers. And another cry escapes him. How long has he been at this? It seems like it’s been eternity. When can he stop? Does he wants to? The weapon slips from his shaking fingers so that answers that question. 

He collapses to the ground, his suffering is unbearable. He screams with abandon now, because it’s too late. He can’t remember his pretty skin. Now all he sees is red. Sickly, horrifying red. It is red like the sunset on a hot summer day. It is red like one of those popsicles he saw L eating one time. It is as red as death. And it covers him, and he feels sick. He cannot even tell if his heart is still beating. His arm tingles and he wants to do something to stop it but he can’t. He clutches as his arm to stop the downpour but it only coats his hand.

“Light? Answer me? What are you doing?” He hears L’s frantic voice beg but he doesn’t bother responding. He hears the lock click and knows that L will see him in a minute. His arm feels like it’s been electrocuted and his stomach ties in knots. He blindly reaches out to grab at something to ground himself, but his hand is met with nothingness. His reddened hand flails uselessly in the air and he writhes around trying to forget the blood. 

The door swings open and there is silence. Light thinks maybe a ghost has entered the room instead of L. Or maybe it’s the shinigami coming to save him. Or take him to his death. is death near? Horror wraps around his heart like a cobra but there’s nothing he can do now. He gasps uselessly. 

“Oh my god.” The words are breathed out and they give him no solace. “Light? What..? LIGHT?”

Terror fills the air. Light looks up at L through half-lidded eyes. L’s face is horror-stricken, and he looks down at Light helplessly. His mouth hangs open and his eyes are wide with alarm. Light feels a strange sense of victory. 

His body is shaking, but not from fear. Hands grasp at his shoulders and he sees L’s mouth moving, but no words come out. It seems as if he’s moving in slow motion, actually everything seems to be in slow motion. Light’s eye lids feel heavy and his arm feels numb.

For some unknown reason, a small smile tugs at his lips. He never thought that he would be able to scare the great L, but he’s done a lot of seemingly impossible things today it seems. 

“What have I done?” He hears L mumble quietly, and raw fear fills the mans eyes. “What have I done?”

His arm feels as if it’s been crushed by a meat tenderizer. His arm no longer feels warm, but impossibly cold. Impossibly barren. And oh so sticky. His head moves back and forth listlessly. Why is he so tired? Didn’t he just wake up?

“Watari?” Light looks up and sees that L is speaking into his phone. His eyes are trained firmly on Light’s arm in sick fascination. Or maybe the detective is actually questioning if what he’s seeing is real. “Come up here immediately. There’s…been an accident.”

“Not an accident.” Light mumbles, and the detective’s head shoots up quizzically. “It was on purpose.”

“Light….” L whispers. “You want to die?”

Light shakes his head. The movement makes his head throb. “I want to be free.”

And all he can do is let the tears stream from his eyes. Is it tears or blood? He wipes at his eyes but feels a thick wetness and sees L look down at him in horror. He brushes his face softly and Light swiftly turns his face to the side. No, none of that.

He sees the lights flickering. They’re mourning him. The world will be darker without him, as L said. Everyone will feel his absence. 

“Light?” The shaking is back again, and Light wants to bat L away. But his hand is numb. He just wants to sleep. “Don’t close your eyes. Do you hear me? You need to stay awake.” And Light hears L’s voice crack. 

He shakes his head listlessly. “It’ll be…alright.” He mumbles back, breathlessly. He doesn’t know why L needs comforting. It’s more for himself. Because he did this solely to make everything right again in the world. He needs his world back. He can’t survive in L’s. 

He hears loud footsteps and nearly groans, more people coming to keep him from slumber. “L? What did you mean there’s been a-“ The voice stops abruptly and Light hears a small gasp. “Jesus.”

“You need to help him, Watari.” L is begging. “Y-you need to stitch up these cuts he’s bleeding out!”

“L….no.” The voice sounds strangled, as if it’s holding back a scream. “Call for an ambulance, he needs to go to the hospital immediately.”

“NO!” Light can hear L shout, and he feels the mans arms tighten around him. No? What does he mean no? Panic fills Light to the brim. No, this can’t be happening. Otherwise, this will have all been in vain. He needs to escape dammit! He will not let his plan be thwarted. Not as he’s lying in a pool of his own blood. He’s already sacrificed too much.

“Yes.” He croaks out, hoarsely. He opens his eyes and sees Watari’s concerned face. The man looks as if he’s just stepped into hell, and his eyes are filled with fear. He weakly lifts up his battered arm, and whimpers when agony shoots into the limb. It feels as if he’s just been shot. The arm protests, and hardly moves off of the floor. “It hurts.” He begs, staring into Watari’s eyes imploringly. He hopes L’s handler will not be as cruel to him as the raven was. 

“We can’t!” L hisses out, desperately. “The Task Force cannot know about this! No one can know about this.”

“Do you hear yourself?” The older man asks incredulously. His hand gestures to Light’s crumpled form. “He’s dying!”

“So you make it better.” L snapped. “Please Watari, I know you can. You practiced as a doctor.”

“I do not have the tools for this.” Watari argues. “He’s just tried to kill himself L! He needs help!”

“Get…my dad.” Light mumbles. Because if these strangers won’t help him, surely his father will. He has to, right? He’s Light’s own flesh and blood, he’ll surely care for him. His eyes drift over and catch sight of L’s white shirt. It’s stained by blood. His blood. The white and red looks beautiful. It looks like a horribly horrific abstract painting. It looks orgasmic. Light thinks it’s the prettiest sight he’s ever seen. Now L has a piece of him forever. He’ll remember what he did to Light forever.

“L, get Yagami-san.” Watari orders. “I’m calling the ambulance.”

“I’m not leaving him.” L snaps, and Light blinks lazily. *Huh, you already have?*

“Then I’ll call him and you call emergency services.” Now Watari sounds exasperated. The man’s features are tightening with repressed rage. “We’re wasting time!”

“Watari, just listen. I know this looks bad but we cannot get his family involved. Do you realize what will happen if his father learns about this?”

“L!” Watari yells, and Light flinches. He’s never heard the kindly older gentleman ever even raise his voice before. This sight must be truly disturbing him. “You call for help immediately, understand? This is not up for debate! If he dies, then his blood is on your hands. We will deal with the consequences later, now we have to act!”

Light hears footsteps fading away, but they stop abruptly. “I’m not letting another child die on my watch.” Watari whispers, and Light feels L slightly tremble behind him. Huh, what does that mean? A sizzling flash of pain shoots through his arm and he hisses in pain, his previous inquiry forgotten. He squirms against L’s grasp, because that’s all he can do. He can’t take it, it’s unbearable.

He hears rustling behind him, and the sound of paper tearing. Suddenly, something soft and delicate is pressed against his bleeding skin. His eyes shoot open, because the pressure against his open wounds feels ungodly. It feels as if fire ants have just crawled into his skin and are eating him from the inside out. He thrashes against L, cursing the raven. “Stop!” He hisses, feeling his eyes close shut as tears drip from underneath him. Hasn’t L already hurt him enough?

“I need to stop the bleeding.” L frets, and Light freezes. No, no…the blood is the whole point! Everyone needs to see the blood, or else they won’t care. The blood is what makes it so terrifying, the blood is what makes it real. He needs the blood.

L is just trying to make the situation less dire, and this angers Light. Because he is in control, not L. Not anymore. If he wants blood, then he will get blood. He pries his eyes open and sees the bloodied glass shard lying a few inches away. It swims in the red gore, making Light’s eyes go wide. There’s so much blood. He grabs at it, slowly inching his hand forward. Doom is within his grasp. 

But he sees a pale hand suddenly grab his hand. It pulls his outstretched fingers far away from the glass. “What are you doing?” L demands. “Are you mad?”

Light shakes his head, because he’s the sanest person in the room. “You want to clean up the blood.” He whispers to L. “I need everyone to see it, so I can get help.”

“Oh Light…” L whispers sadly. Because, he knows. He knows just what he’s done. And now he can finally see Light’s pain, he can no longer deny it. 

“”I’ll call the ambulance.” L mutters thickly, and Light almost cheers. He relaxes into L’s arms and smiles. L finally understands. And now he can die happy in his arms. Everything is okay again. He hears L speaking gruffly into the phone and his arm twitches, it knows it will be saved. 

“Jesus Christ!” He hears a familiar voice shout in alarm. He opens his eyes halfway to gaze upon his father’s scared face. He covers his mouth and turns away. Light can see his shoulders shaking and closes his eyes again. He knows his father will be disappointed in him, but it’s okay. Because he wasn’t trying to kill himself. He didn’t do this on purpose. He was forced into this, and he trusts that his father will understand this. Or at least, he hopes so. He needs his father to blame L.

“What’s happened to him?” His father shakily demands. “Is he dying?”

“I’ve just called for an ambulance.” L responds stiffly. “They are sending one immediately, it should be here in minutes.”

“Light, my boy.” He hears a loud thump and sees his father slump onto his knees before him in righteous repentance. Light could smirk, but he hasn’t the strength. His father is a sinner begging for his forgiveness. He has finally realized his grievous mistake, and is surely contrite. Light is the martyr and he will make sure everyone knows it. L has to pay somehow. He can see tears forming in his father’s eyes as he grasps his uninjured arm tightly. “Say something.”

“I had to.” Is all he can utter, and he feels his eyes flutter closed again. Dots of light dance in his vision and his ears ring with the sound of bells. Huh, a church service must’ve just gotten out. Are there any churches around here? No matter, the sound is ethereal. It soothes his battered soul, and he feels a calmness descend over him. His body feels weightless. 

“I’ll carry him down.” L says, though his voice sounds as if he is underwater. It’s muffled and weak. “We’re still chained, after all.”

They’re not, but no one fights him about this. This just proves how much of a liar L is. He lies with every breath he takes. And it goes to show how thick everyone else is, that they can’t even see through his blatant deception. Just like a snake. Liar, liar, liar…..oh, he feels himself being lifted. Is he flying? He feels himself being moved in the air, only held by a pair of strong arms. He feels his legs swish back and forth lifelessly, and his arms do the same. It reminds him of when he was a small child, and his parents would carry him. He would feel safe. Just like he does now. Nothing can hurt him here. His head leans into a chest unconsciously, and he smells the clean scent of fabric softener. He sighs, he’s nothing but an innocent child again. He knows not of the world’s evils, and he has no demons that plague him. He is cared for, and no one hates him. No one is trying to destroy him. He is just a small brunette boy with cherub cheeks, being carried to his room by his mother. It’s all the same. Well, except he can feel blood trickling down his arm. 

He feels as if he is soaring through the air, and a gentle thumping is against his cheek. He feels his body jolt, as he goes up and down and up and down. Ah, they are descending down a staircase. Light smiles, it’s like a ride. Like a rollercoaster he might’ve ridden when he was younger. 

With each step L takes, he one step closer to his fate. He is one step closer to heaven. He imagines he can hear the urgent wailing of sirens, but he cannot. They are still inside after all, and even the emergency vehicles jarring noise cannot permeate these walls. 

“What’s wrong with Light-kun?” A male voice yelps. “Is that blood? Is he hurt?”

“Not now Matsuda.” L growls. “Not now.”

“Oh my God, what happened? Can I see him?” Matsuda questions frantically, and Light feels himself be twirled about violently. His stomach knots from nausea and he almost jolts up from the unpleasant force. He feels dizzy, and wants to close his eyes. But, they’re already closed. What is Matsuda doing here again? He shouldn’t see him like this! Light would feel shame if he had any energy left.

“Don’t touch him.” L snaps ferociously. Ah, like a mother bear protecting her cubs. 

“LIIIGHT? WHAT’S GOING ON?” A shrill voice nearly shatters his ear drums, and for a moment he thinks it’s the sounds of the sirens. He feels small, cold hands clasp his face. “What did you do to him Ryuzaki?” The female, because it is a feminine voice, demands. “What did you do to my darling baby?”

“HE did this to himself.” L shoots back. “I found him, so, you should be thanking me.”

HA! Thanking him? Is he out of his bloody mind? He should beat the living daylights out of L for that one. Because, one can not be both the villain and the hero. 

“Light-kun tried to commit suicide?” Matsuda wails, sounding oh so very confused. “B-but there were no signs! I didn’t even know he was depressed!”

“LIGHT would NEVER kill himself.” The girl shoots back angrily, and Light wants to smile at her in gratitude. Thank heavens one person understands his mind. He is not a individual with a diseased mind, he is not unwell. He is a cunning fox, making his daring escape from the mountain lion. He knows exactly what he is doing. This is merely a plot in the show, a slight detour if you will. Light knows that he probably won’t die, but he will be away from L. Whatever happens after that he will deal with. 

“You two are crowding them.” A gruff voice interjects. “Let them take Light to the hospital.”

“Hospital? I’m coming with him!” The girl declares, and Light feels a twinge of annoyance. Why does he have an audience again? This isn’t the circus, and it’s not daytime television. Shouldn’t these policemen be more concerned with their jobs? He’ll be fine! He doesn’t need sympathy, and he doesn’t need doting. He needs a IV filled with morphine and some stitches in his torn flesh. And a hospital room, with a nice big lock.

“No you’re not.” L snaps disdainfully. “Misa-san is not currently dying a very bloody death, and is perfectly fine. She is also still a suspect and is therefore not permitted to leave this building under any circumstances.”

“You can’t stop me you bully!” Misa shouts. “Light is my love, and he would want me there! He needs to know that people love him when he wakes up, he’ll want to see me!”

“I doubt that.” L scoffs. “When Light wakes up he’ll want pain medication, or a very hard wall to bang his head against to see if he is dreaming.”

“Ryuzaki!” Matsuda sounds very offended on his behalf. “That’s so rude!”

“So being honest is now considered rude?” L mutters under his breath.

“No matter what you say, I’m going with Light in the ambulance.” Misa wails on, and Light wishes that they would just keep moving. He wants to get out of the godforsaken building, not loiter in it while they have a discussion about tea! “If he dies and I’m not there….I wouldn’t be able to bear it! If he’s going to die I need to be there for him, so that he dies happy.”

“Aizawa-san, Mogi-san? Restrain Misa-san if she tres to follow us out.” L coldly states, and Light feels himself being moved again. “We do not have time for this.”

But, he suddenly feels himself being jerked about and feels as if he might fall. The arms loosen around him and his stomach drops, he’s going to free-fall. He’s going to fall into hell and then he’ll be doomed forever. He braces himself for impact, his eyes clenching together tightly. “Misa-San! Let go of me!”

“No!” She screams, and Light hears that now she is sobbing. He internally frowns, what’s the big deal? He’ll be all right. He doesn’t need tears shed over him. This whole argument is useless. “I love him! You aren’t ripping him away from me! I need to be there with him, he’s-he’s my everything! You can’t take him away, you can’t! I won’t be able to bear it if he passes on without me. I need him! I need him!”

If only those words could've flown from L’s lips, he would be touched. But he feels indifferent. Why couldn’t he have chosen a better person to love? One with a pure soul, like Misa. He can feel her love and wishes that he could shout those same passionate words. But, they’d fall flat and then he’d be no better than L. Oh. Maybe he shouldn’t lead someone on who clearly is devoted to him. Has Misa been a mistake as well?

“You aren’t coming!” L all but yells, and Light shivers. It’s awfully cold in here. “Please pull Misa-san away from me.”

“Light? LIGHT! NO!” He hears her frantic screaming from behind him, but the words fade away and loose their meaning. He feels hollow. “I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU LIGHT! PLEASE. PLEASE!” He feels his heartstrings tug as her wailing scrapes at his soul. 

“L?” He hears Watari whisper after awhile. “You cannot go outside with us to the ambulance. Understand? No one can know that you are in this building.”

He feels L’s arms tighten around him. “I want to go with him.” He tells Watari, and Light hears his voice shake. Light wants to scowl and snap that L most certainly can not come with him, because that would defeat the whole purpose of this disastrous mission. But it seems he won’t have to because Watari is fighting this battle for him.

“L, be reasonable.” The older man implores. “Just hand him over to Soichiro, alright?”

“But-“ L flounders, and Light doesn’t think he’s ever heard the detective sound so helpless. 

“I’ll go to the hospital too, and call you with any updates. Alright?” Watari soothes. 

“….Make sure to place cameras in the room he’s in.” L mournfully whispers and Light almost laughs. Of course, he can never escape from L’s watchful eye. He’s like Santa in this way. Always spying on everyone, always wanting to see if you’re naughty or nice. 

His body is jostled and thrown around yet again as he is placed into someone’s else’s arms. He feel’s L’s warmth leave him and a chill runs up his spin. He lazily opens his eyes and looks up at his father, and he can see evidence of a lone tear trail. 

And above his father, is the shinigami. Those ghoulish red eyes look down at him with delight and the thing starts chuckling maniacally. 

The room spins around him and Light feels as if he is falling into an endless abyss. 

He closes his eyes and sees nothing but blackness. Nothing at all, but eternal darkness.


	11. Nothing Lasts Forever, But My Guilt Might

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah and here it is, some of L's internal monologue after everything that has just happened. Higuchi is finally captured and we meet Rem who has...lots of insight. Watari and L also have a conversation about everything L has done and L now has to deal with guilt. Also, L finally admits to himself that he does have feelings for Light. Kind of the worst time for him to realize it though:( I can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts on this chapter! What do you all think of Rem's revelations? How are we feeling about L? As always, your comments and reviews are loved, and always make me feel all warm and fuzzy:)) I hope you guys enjoy today's chapter!
> 
> P.S. Thank you all for over 100 Kudos!! That's insane how do over 100 people like this story?? You are all amazing and I love you all so much<333
> 
> P.P.S. I have an idea of how this story will end. Also think this fic will be 28 chapters total cool? Cool:)

L angrily threw the black notebook onto his bed and paced the room furiously. Tonight had been an utter disaster. An complete and utter failure. He feels so rattled that he thinks he might faint, so he sits down onto the edge of the bed with a painful thump. 

Everything had gone smoothly. The plan had gone exactly as planned, and Kyosuke Higuchi was now in custody. They had caught him trying to find out Matsuda’s real name and cornered him. Higuchi had then tried to escape, and a high-speed car chase has ensued. L was surprised no pile-ups had occurred. Not a single person had even been killed in all of the commotion. He had followed along in a helicopter with Watari, until Higuchi was finally captured. The man had confessed and everything had been fine and peachy. That is, until he was handed a black notebook with the words Death Note written on the cover.

He glared over at the book angrily. It defied logic entirely, it was a mockery to the whole concept of humankind. It was a simple black notebook, with rules written inside. The rules clearly stated that if someone was to write a name in this book, then the owner of that name would die. L had flipped through the pages and found all of Kira’s victim’s names written in kanji. This was how Kira had been killing. With a damn piece of paper! Higuchi had probably leisurely sat on his couch, sipping wine, while quietly murderer criminals. Anyone could write a name down in the book, and no one would be any the wiser. It was a discreet weapon. It could be used in broad daylight. It was brilliant and insane. L would’ve thought he had lost his mind if not for the other Task Force members also seeing this notebook. And the shinigami.

Oh yes, that was another fantastic new development. Shinigami did in fact exist. L knew this, because he had seen it with his own eyes. Anyone who touched the notebook could see this fearsome creature. It was tall and skeletal, and white. Just as how Light had described it. L hadn’t of been able to see the creature until now. A chill ran up his spine, as he thought of all of the other creatures that could be next to him at any given moment. And he would never be able to see them. 

Of course Kira’s crimes had been supernatural. Of course he had used this book. Of course shinigami existed. It all made too much sense to L, and he hated it. He relied on facts and science. He had never believed in ghouls or goblins, and murders had all been easily solvable before. Killer notebook and gods of death destroyed what he thought he knew about the world. L felt helpless, he felt himself spiraling as he imagined all of the other things in the great unknown. He felt as if he didn’t know anything. He was stumped, but enlightened at the same time. It was a terrible feeling. He could almost feel the cogs in his mind turning, trying to make sense of this whole inane situation.

“What are you thinking, human?” A jarring voice suddenly asked from besides him and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He slowly turned to face the shinigami and tried not to tremble in fear. But it was quite hard to act apathetic around such a monster.

The shinigami, Rem, apparently had to follow the notebook around wherever it went. So this meant, for the time being, L would literally have a demon following him. And while he was terrified of this being, he was also extremely fascinated. This shinigami probably had so many tales and knowledge of things that L wanted to study it immensely. He had never encountered anything of this sort before, and he wanted to know as much about the supernatural world as possible. Unfortunately, he had already tried asking the shinigami a few questions. But it would either seal it’s lips or give him a quite vague answer. He got the feeling that it was hiding something, but he didn’t know what. This thing should have no reason to lie to him, after all. Unless, Rem was protecting someone…

He frowned at the thought. Who could Rem be holding in secrets for? Light? He was the first one to have seen her, after all. Should he ask the shinigami about Light. If so, would it even give him an honest answer? There was no way he could force it to, obviously. The shinigami was in control and could do whatever it pleased, and L knew that. And this really annoyed him.

“Do you remember meeting a boy named Light Yagami?” L questioned, deciding to be blunt. This thing could answer however it wanted and he just had to accept that. But, it didn’t mean he couldn’t still try. He knew somehow that Rem had all of the answers. Or at least, it had most of them.

Rem’s yellow eyes remained cold and dead as it studied his face. L remained calm, and returned the stare. “I do.”

“Why did you reveal yourself to him?” L questioned. 

Rem’s yellow gaze flicked to the side. “It was not my intention.” It replied. “He touched a piece of the Death Note. Only humans who have touched a Death Note can see my kind.”

L nodded, he already knew this. “What did you two talk about?” He knew Light’s side of the conversation, of course. But he was still curious about what Rem had told him. Actually, now that he had touched the Death Note did that mean that he would be able to watch the footage back and see Rem? Hm, he would have to talk to Watari about that later.

Rem remained silent, and L thought that the shinigami was going to ignore him again. But, it’s fanged mouth opened to offer him a quite disappointing answer. “He was questioning me about the Death Note, and I told him how it worked.”

L tried not to sigh, obviously he knew that. No, the shinigami had given him a safe answer. The two had obviously talked about much more than that. Was there something in that conversation that would prove Light guilty? And the thing was still looking off to the side. It was avoiding his gaze. It was avoiding him. He somehow knew that the shinigami was lying. It wasn’t nearly as mysterious as it thought.

“I see.” L said flatly. “Had you ever met Light Yagami before then?”

The shinigami shook it’s head. “No.”

L frowned, he couldn’t help himself. Okay, that had been an outright lie. He could see the way the creature’s lips turned down into a sort of grimace. 

But, it suddenly turned it’s yellow orbs back onto him so quickly that he felt a chill run up his spine. It looked him up and down, as if inspecting him. The shinigami was trying to read him. It wanted to know how much danger Light was in. Or, whoever it was protecting (Light). L tried not to shrink under the demon’s harsh gaze. He didn’t know how safe it was to play a game of chicken with a god of death. 

“What is your interest with Light Yagami.” The creature spoke, and it sounded like a breath of air. L cocked his head.

“I suspect him to be the first Kira.” He deadpanned. There was no use in hiding it, Rem would find out eventually. Maybe he could catch the thing off guard by being direct. “I also suspect that there are multiple notebooks. Is that true?”

“There may be.” The creature stated, flatly. “There are many other of my kind and we each have our own notebook up in the shiniagmi realm. Sometimes an extra one will accidentally fall into the human world, and we will have to come down and follow whoever has that notebook until it is destroyed or they die.”

L nodded and brought his thumb to his mouth. The nail was half gone from his vicious chewing through the day. “Do you know if there are any other notebooks currently on earth?”

“No, I don't.” The creature all but snapped, almost making L flinch. The creature’s voice didn’t betray much emotion, but even L could tell that it was being defensive. Too defensive. He narrowed his eyes unconsciously, that confirmed his suspicions. It was trying to protect someone and there were more notebooks. 

“Is Light Yagami Kira?” L questioned, before he could help himself. The words seemed to tumble out of his mouth of their own free will.

The demon fixed him with a questioning gaze, and slightly cocked it’s head. “What difference would it make?”

L frowned, and the creature elaborated. “What would you do if you were to find out that Light Yagami was an owner? You are trying to catch Kira, is that right?”

L nodded. 

“What would happen to that individual?”

“Well.” L started out, carefully. If this thing really was trying to protect Light, then telling it he was going to sentence Light to death would only make it angry. Then, it could possibly harm him. And that would never do. Because there was nothing he could do to defend himself against a god of death, especially if it owned one of these Death Notes. He couldn’t reveal anything damning, he needed to see how loyal Rem was. Or, what her goal was. “I want to stop Kira, so that he cannot continue to kill senselessly. It will not do to allow Kira to get away with his crimes, and continue to murder hundreds of thousands. That’s much too dangerous. No human should have that kind of killing power, wouldn’t you agree?”

Rem almost seemed to stare past him, as if it was deep in thought. “It matters not to me. Shinigamis exist solely to take lives. We only live because we take the lifespans of others, and add them to our own. Mere humans would never be able to understand my kind.”

“I understand.” L all but sighed. “There is no way shinigamis and humans could ever be compared, we are two completely different beings.”

“But, you wouldn’t hurt them?” The shinigami pried, and L felt his eyebrows raise slightly.

Finally the shinigami had admitted to something, no matter how small. L wondered if it even realized what it had done. Obviously, this shinigami did not care if Kira continued on killing. But, it did care if Kira was to be killed. It had just stated that shinigami were created to cause death. So, why would it wonder about Kira’s fate? 

But L’s blood ran cold as he realized he was now in a dangerous position. Because, if Kira was in danger and this thing was willing to do anything to keep Kira safe, would it kill L in order to make that happen? “Would it matter to you?” L asked carefully, studying Rem’s eyes. They remained emotionless and dead. But, he noticed the shinigami shifted ever so slightly.

“It would.” The thing growled. “If you plan to kill Kira, I must tell you how unwise that decision would be.”

“How unwise?” L pressed. A pit was slowly growing inside of his stomach as he could already guess what the shinigami was going to tell him. But, he needed to know for sure. He needed to know exactly what he was dealing with. he was tired of guessing.

The creature’s eyes narrowed and it seemed to tower over him, spreading it’s wings slightly. “I would kill you immediately.”

L’s veins filled with ice and he had to grip the bedsheets tightly so that he would not fall over in fright. Hearing the shinigami threaten him so plainly, it terrified him. Especially because no one would be able to stop Rem. He was at her complete mercy. L blinked slowly and tried to breathe deeply. His heart felt like it was about to tear out of his chest. “Okay.” He answered, his voice shaking terribly. He swallowed and tried again, not wanting to sound weak. “Okay Rem, let’s be honest shall we? I swear nothing you say to me will leave this room.”

Rem stared down at him doubtfully. “Honest.” He soothed. “And anyway, anything you say to me wouldn’t be usable in a court of law. You’re a shinigami for Christ’s sake if I tried to use you as a material witness I’d be shipped off to a padded room."

Rem nodded slowly.

“Is Light Yagami Kira?” L questioned, quietly. He could barely hear his own inquiry. “You’d know, wouldn’t you?” His pulse was racing and L felt faint. This was it. This was what he had been waiting for. Nothing would be in vain, and it would all be okay. He would solve the case and sentence Light to death. He wouldn’t worry about the boy anymore, it would all be over. He wouldn’t have to keep picturing him lying in a pool of his own blood. He wouldn’t have to keep imagining the heartbroken tears collecting in those sad brown eyes. He wouldn’t have to feel this nauseating guilt. Anticipation rolled around carelessly in his stomach. 

“….Light Yagami is not Kira.” The shinigami told him solemnly. “That’s not who I’m protecting.”

“No.” L was already shaking his head before Rem had even finished her sentence. “No, you’re mistaken.” Cold dread slowly dripped into his heart, and the room felt as if it were spinning. No, the shinigami was still lying to him. It still didn’t trust him. It DID want to protect Light, because Light was Kira!

“I am not, there’s a plan you see.” The shinigami patiently explained. “I’ve observed both Kira’s since the beginning. Neither of those individuals are Light Yagami.”

“Who is it then?” L demanded, and felt his hands shaking violently. “If not Light then who?”

“You’re upset.” The shinigami remarked. “Was it something I said? About Light Yagami?”

“No.” L dismissed, feeling as his stomach tied in knots. He brought a trembling thumb up to his incisor and bit down into the flesh harshly. The pain grounded him a bit. “No I’m….just confused. Who is it that you are protecting then?”

“Misa Amane.”

Surprisingly, L felt nothing. He’d always known Misa Amane was the second Kira. Her DNA was all over the tapes, after all. And she never hid the fact that she was a devout Kira supporter. But the demon glared at him ferociously, obviously taking his silence as a bad thing. L held up his hands reassuringly. 

“I knew that she was the second Kira.” L told Rem, and watched as her eyes widened. 

“So why is she still alive?” Rem demanded, and L sighed. 

“She doesn’t have her memories, does she?” L questioned. “I could tell something happened to her while she was in confinement. Is that something that is even possible?”

“It is.” Rem looked down. “I’m surprised that you were able to figure that out. If the owner of a Death Note forfeits ownership, then all of their memories of the Death Note will be erased.”

L nodded, this also wasn’t new to him. Misa had been so tight-lipped for the first few days, before readily answering questions and demanding to be let out of confinement. She even believed that L was a stalker! No, even her tone had changed. It had gone from being soft and breathy to loud and jarring. The girl had even started crying several times. She genuinely hadn’t of known why her memories were erased, because in her mind she never really was Kira. 

“But will you kill her?” Rem asked. “I need to know.”

L cocked his head, and stared back at the skeletal creature. He could feel his fingers pulling apart loose threads. “Do I have a choice?” He asked, dryly. “Because if I kill her, you’ll kill me. Correct?”

Rem nodded. 

L sighed, and stared off into nothingness. While he had promised to bring both the first and second Kira to justice, this was a suicide mission. Was it even worth it? L knew the answer to that. And as much as he hated to admit it, he wasn’t going to touch Misa. What good would it do to execute her now? She didn’t even have her memories nor her weapon, she was completely innocent. And she wasn’t dangerous, not on her own. L didn’t want to die for justice. He didn’t mind risking his life, because he knew he would always win. But this wasn’t a risk, it was just stupid. This death god could snap it’s boney fingers and reduce him into nothing more than ash. No, he had never really cared about Misa anyway. She was obviously just a confused girl who had come into contact with this horrible power. He knew that she was the second Kira, and that was good enough for him. Especially if it saved his life. His fight was with the first Kira, the true Kira. The one who started it all. 

“Okay, no harm will come Misa’s way.” L whispered, feeling shame and apprehension bubble up inside of himself. But, he didn’t have any choice. “As long as you never give her another Death Note. This way, she can stay innocent.”

The shinigami closed it’s eyes, looking somewhat grateful. “I suppose that is fair.”

“But the first Kira, I will arrest him.” L declared, and the shame was replaced by vengeance. As long as the first Kira was punished, then nothing would be in vain. He would win against the beast and still be hailed as the world’s greatest detective. “You do not have any loyalty to him, right?”

“I do not.” Rem confirmed. 

“Then tell me it’s Light Yagami.” L hissed. 

Rem’s yellow eyes widened, and it’s head twisted into an awkward angle. “I told you, Light Yagami is not Kira. Why do you want me to tell you that he is?”

“If he isn’t the first Kira, who is?” L snapped, rage and frustration filling his veins. He couldn’t help it, he started pacing furiously. He head was reeling. “There is no possible way I could have been wrong about him! All of the evidence points to Light, he just fits too perfectly.”

Rem watched him with confusion, her yellow eyes narrowing. “I do not know much about the first Kira’s motives but I know this, he wants Light Yagami.”

L froze in his tracks, and felt his head slowly turn to observe the shinigami. She looked completely solemn. “W-what did you say?” L whispered, almost feeling a tiny crack appear in his brain. This was all so complicated. What did that even mean?

“I observed his and Misa’s meetings, a few times.” Rem divulged. “According to him, he wasn’t meant to be the original owner of the Death Note. He was simply keeping it, temporarily.”

“Keeping it for who?”

“….Light Yagami.”

L felt his forehead begin to throb painfully, and he sat down on the edge of the bed. “So, it is him?” He meant for these words to come out as a harsh demand, but his voice carried across the room in a meek whisper.

“Again, I did not know much about his plan. I was there to keep Misa safe.” Rem explained, in a bored tone. “All I know is that Light Yagami was offered the Death Note, and he turned it down. Another shinigami then gave it to Kira, for him to offer it to Light again at a later date.”

“What?” L questioned, uselessly. The words registered inside of his mind, but they made no sense. Light was offered a Death Note? But…he had turned it down? This was not possible. Why would Light turn it down? And who would offer it to him in the first place?

“The shinigami, Ryuk, he was the one who originally brought the Death Note down to earth.” Rem divulged, moving to stand in front of him. “He was bored and wanted entertainment. I suppose he thought Light would be a fun show to watch.”

“A shinigami chose Light?” L demanded, his voice rising a pitch higher. Rem opened her mouth to respond, but suddenly the door swung open. L nearly jumped out of his skin, but then relaxed into the soft mattress. It was only Watari, carrying what appeared to be cleaning supplies.

“I thought I would clean up the….bathroom for you.” Watari spoke uneasily, and L paled at the memory. He hadn’t of even looked in the direction of that cursed room since earlier today. It made his stomach clench, and his heart ache. He slowly nodded, and averted his eyes down onto the floor.

Suddenly, with no warning, the shinigami vanished through the floor. L stared down in shock. What in the world? Wasn’t she going to tell him about Kira? 

“My, what a character.” Watari mumbled, moving to open the bathroom door. “I hope I didn’t disturb your conversation.”

“It’s fine.” L dismissed with a wave of his hand. “It was just spouting nonsense, anyway.” He just hoped that Rem would tell him who Kira was later. He knew he was so close to solving the mystery. But, could he trust her?

“Hm.” Watari made a noncommittal sound back and L frowned. He looked up to find that Watari was staring straight at him. When the older man noticed that L had caught him, he quickly disappeared into the bathroom. L frowned, and hesitantly followed him. Watari was looking at him cautiously, he was looking at him as if he was a broken doll. His mouth was formed into a small line, which meant he wanted to say something but didn’t know how L would take it. Being around Watari for nearly seventeen years, he had learned how to read him quite well.

Most likely, he wanted to talk about Light. L just sighed and leaned against the door frame, keeping his eyes shut. He couldn’t bear to look at the scene of the crime. “I know you want to say something, so just say it.” He muttered sourly. He heard Watari sigh. 

“It isn’t my place to lecture you.” The older man grumbled. “You’re quite old enough to take care of yourself and make your own decisions.”

L would’ve rolled his eyes if they weren’t closed. “Say it anyway. I know you want to talk about it.”

“Well, I feel like I must.” Watari snapped. “What happened today L?”

L wanted to say he didn’t know, but that would be a lie. “He found out.” He whispered. “He found out that I was using him. I….I guess he heard us last night. He also understands english, which would’ve been nice to know.”

“Oh L.” Watari whispered.

“I know.” L snapped, his eyes shooting open in annoyance. But he wished that they hadn’t. Because the sight before him was gruesome and horrifying. He tasted bile at the back of his throat and almost lost his balance. It felt as if someone had just kicked him in the stomach. The floor in front of him was a ghoulish sight. It was painted muddy red, and told the tales of a massacre. Maroon splashes of gore seemed to be everywhere. Broken glass shards littered the floor, like fallen crystals. And the biggest one was covered in blood, and glinted dangerously. L imagined it being used on Light and he blanched. He could almost smell the stench of death. 

“I-“ L swallowed, his voice was shaking painfully. “I didn’t think this would happen. I never would’ve thought that he…”

Watari didn’t respond, he just kept washing bits of Light away. L wondered even after the stains were gone, if this sight would ever permanently leave his memory.

“….How is he?” L whispered. He had dreaded asking this question, but he needed to know. A painful lump appeared in the back of his throat and he tried in vain to swallow it. He knew that Light wasn’t dead, and what a relief that had been. There had been so much blood that he had thought….

“Stable.” Watari informed him. “I left just as he was getting stitches. Last I heard from Yagami-san, he was still sleeping.”

L nodded, staring straight ahead at the cracked mirror. His distorted and cracked face put him more at ease than looking at all of the blood. 

“Yagami-san is furious.” Watari added, as if it was an afterthought. “He wants to sue. He said that this investigation has traumatized his son, and that your actions were 'highly negligent.’ He thinks Light-kun had a mental break.”

“Just offer to pay for Light-kun’s hospital bills.” L rolled his eyes. “Soichiro should quiet down if we float a little extra money to him."

“That’s not really the point I’m trying to make though, L.”

“Well, I get why he’s upset.” L mumbled. “He thinks that I drove his darling first-born to commit suicide. Even though everything I did was fine before now. Light-kun just wanted to cause a scene.”

“I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.” Watari snapped, and L felt his eyebrows raise.

“Not really. He told me himself he did this on purpose to ‘be free.’ He knew that this was the only way he could escape.” L revealed. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.” Watari sighed, shaking his head. He did seem to be scrubbing the floor with an intensity, though. “I’m just upset.”

“Why would you be upset?” L demanded. “No one thinks that this is your fault.”

“Then why do I feel partially responsible?”

“You aren’t.” L deadpanned. “This is no one’s fault but Light-kun’s.”

Then, Watari stopped cleaning to angrily face him. L gulped, Watari’s eyes burned with a flame that he hadn’t seen in many years. “So, you mean to tell me that you don’t feel guilty?”

L felt his hackles rise, and he flushed furiously. “What do you want me to say?” He yelled. He felt his veins fill with fire. “That I feel guilty? Of course I do!”

“You have a funny way of showing it.” Watari grumbled bitterly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Let me send him a get well soon card to show my repentance.” L snapped sarcastically. “Why are you mad at me? I have enough going on, believe me I feel awful!”

“I’m not trying to get mad at you.” Watari threw the sponge he was holding down, sighing exasperatedly. “I just wish you would see that your actions have consequences. You can’t keep doing this, L. This has been disastrous and I wish you would take what happened today seriously.”

L gulped. “You have no idea what I’m feeling right now.” He whispered, his voice tight with rage. “Hell, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. I-It’s too much! It’s too much and I-“ He stopped, trying to collect his thoughts. But what thoughts did he have to collect? He just felt numb. Emotions were swirling deep inside of his soul like an ugly sea storm. “I realize that this is my fault. Okay? But….what else was I supposed to do?”

“I warned you that this was dangerous.” Watari told him quietly. “This investigation technique of yours it….it isn’t good L.”

“It’s worked before.” L muttered bitterly. “And how else was I going to get a confession from him? By asking nicely?”

“Have you ever seriously considered that he’s innocent?” Watari asked, looking down at the floor. “And please, don’t say that it isn’t possible. It is.”

“I-“ L ran his foot up his leg uncomfortably, and felt his stomach tie into knots. “I don’t know, Watari. I really don’t.”

“Why?”

L felt a chill run up his spine. “He can’t be innocent.” He whispered. “Not after all this. I would never hurt an innocent boy. I couldn’t, that’s not me.”

Watari nodded solemnly. But, he gave L a knowing look. A look that said what they were both thinking. L hated that look.

“I’m not a bad person.” L defended, pacing back and forth in the small doorway. “I’m not, okay? If Light-kun is innocent, that would make me no better than B…” He closed his eyes and laid his head on the doorframe. It seemed to burn his frigid skin. “And I don’t want to be him.”

“Tell me that I’m not B.” L whispered, hearing his voice crack as he begged. “Tell me that I didn’t hurt him.”

“You’re not B.” Watari sighed. “But….I can’t say that. Light-kun has been hurt, and we both know why that is.”

“But I didn’t mean for this to happen!” L hissed. “I-I didn’t! I would’ve never thought Light-kun would voluntarily hurt himself…that’s…that’s not who I thought he was.”

“People can do anything if they’re desperate enough.” Watari responded grimly. “L…why was he so desperate to escape from here?”

“Because he was mad that he had been tricked.” L snapped. “Why? What are you insinuating?”

“I need to know L.” Watari whispered sadly. “You asked if you were like B, and I know what he did to you….did you hurt this boy?”

“I would NEVER.” L hisses vehemently, pain coating his vocal chords. He couldn't breathe. How could Watari think that? “Everything we did was consensual.”

“Then what happened today?” Watari demands, finally standing up. “You need to tell me L. Don’t try and tell me this happened because he heard us last night. He couldn’t have done what he did solely because he heard one conversation. Tell me the truth.”

“We fought.” L told the man, looking away. He sees a flash of red and closes his eyes. The memories slowly replay in his head in a sick loop. He can see the betrayal inside of those lovely brown orbs. He can hear the way that Light’s voice shakes as it cracks. He hears the accusations, and the confusion, and the hurt. He remembers how Light had ran into the bathroom, and told his mother that L was going to kill him. And L remembered knowing that Light was afraid of him. He had seen it in his eyes.

“I-I suppose I was harsh with him.” L sadly explains. His voice sounds hollow. “I told him that I would do whatever it took to catch him. I told him that I….would find evidence against him. We argued and I….” He gulps, remembering what had happened next. “I may have hit him.”

“What?” Watari gasps, horrified. L feels shame fill his heart like a sickly poison. 

“I-I didn’t mean to!” He weakly defends. “Honest, I feel terrible about what i did. I-It’s just…he said he was going to tell his father…and I was just angry and…I don’t know.” He hangs his head. He remembered how harshly his hand had burned after it had connected with Light’s face. He remembered wanting to vomit after Light had looked at him like…well, like how he used to look at B. He knew what Light had felt in that moment. 

“I didn’t mean to.’ He repeats, mostly trying to assure himself of this fact. "I swear, i didn’t want to hurt him. I…just lost control.”

“L….” Watari trails off, and L knows that Watari is disappointed. He doesn’t blame him, he’s ashamed of himself too. 

“I chained him to the bed, because I knew I couldn’t be around him any longer.” L continues, biting his lip. “I-I just needed to calm myself down. I thought this way we could both calm down. But….I left my bag of sweets in the room. And when I went back up I saw that he had somehow unlocked the cuffs. And he was on the phone, with his mom.”

“Do you know what he told her?” Watari asked. “Is there anything that I need to take care of?”

“I don’t know.” L shook his head slowly. “He was asking for help. And…I suppose he said that I was going to lock him up again.”

“L…” Watari cupped his face in his hands and shook his head. 

L could feel himself shaking, and leaned back into the wall for support. “Then, I tried to grab the phone from him.” He recounts, shakily. “I guess I frightened him. I didn’t mean to, I was angry. And afraid. I didn’t want anyone to know about this and I….I thought the whole case was destroyed. Light was acting crazy and I didn’t know what he’d do. I had never seen him like that before and I guess I just….lost myself.”

“So, he ran into the bathroom and locked it and I heard a mirror shattering and I unlocked the door and I found him laying-“ He stopped his rambling abruptly, feeling a sob rise in his throat. Tears filled his eyes and he sunk down against the wall. His legs couldn’t afford to support him anymore and he felt overwhelming guilt take ahold of his being. “You know the rest."

He had never expected to find Light half-dead on his bathroom floor. When that mirror had broken, he had thought Light has just destroying property. He had fumbled around for the bathroom key, and been a few seconds too late. If only he had been earlier….

Past horror wrapped around his heart like a cobra and his chest tightened painfully. Ice filled his veins as he recalled how fragile Light had looked in the midst of a blood bath. He remembered how Light had looked at him with apprehension and fear. The cuts on his arms had been like red trenches, and he could barely see any skin from under all of the blood. There had been so much blood, and so much agony hanging in the empty air. He remembered thinking that Light never should have had to feel that pain. The lovable, kind, smart, beautiful enigma that was Light-kun should’ve never been that close to death. The Light he had saw today was broken. He had abandoned everything and was willing to do whatever it took to get away from L. In that moment, L knew how badly his heart had been damaged. And if he had found him any later….he felt a tear fall down his cheek.

“Did I ruin him?” L rasped. He couldn’t bear to look at Watari. 

A deadly silence filled the bathroom. L could hear his heart pounding furiously against his chest.

“I don’t know.” Watari sighed. “But, I know that you cannot go near him ever again. This is bad L, this is the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. His life has been turned upside down, as has his family’s. He’s going to need a lot of help and…you cannot interfere with this boy any longer. Understand?”

“No!” L protested before he could help himself. His head shot up and he caught Watari’s disappointed glare but in that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care. He felt his fists clench. “I can’t just leave him! Not after this, I need to make it up to him somehow!”

L didn’t bring up the fact that Light couldn’t be set free because of Kira. He didn’t even know if he could prosecute Light as Kira anymore. He didn’t know anything anymore. 

“You can’t.” Watari sighed. “You have to accept the fact that Light-kun is most likely innocent. Even if he isn’t, then you will have to investigate him from a distance. You can’t keep hurting him L.”

“But…” L trailed off, and buried his face inside of his hands. He knew, deep down, that Watari was right. If L had any good bone left in his body, he would leave Light alone to heal. He knew that the brunette hated him, and that he would never want to see L again. L had broken his heart. He had broken his trust.

There was a reason, however, that L couldn’t accept letting him go forever. And as much as he wanted to deny it, it plagued him. It was why he had held Light so close. It was why he had tried to stop the bleeding. It was why he hadn’t of wanted to let him go.

He cared about Light. He cared about him in a way that he hadn’t about anyone in a long time. 

He didn’t know when he had let himself fall for the brunette, but he had. As much as he had wanted to resist Light’s charms and his attractiveness, he was but a man. With the brunette’s tanned golden skin, his mesmerizing chocolate eyes, and that damned smile, he was instantly taken in. That smile could brighten the darkest cellar. That smile could inspire poetry, it could turn the cruelest man kind. That smile that would never fail to make L’s heart flutter. 

Light was such an easy person to fall in love with. He was everything that L was but better. He shared L’s mind, and L knew that he would never be bored with Light around. He was insightful, and brilliant, and talented at anything he set his mind to.

And most of all, Light was one of the most fascinating individuals he had ever met. Light’s eyes never just held one emotion, they were a sea of infinite thoughts and feelings. Light had so many layers, each one as brilliant as the last. Light was someone he could have the most spirited debates with, someone who would always keep him on his toes. But the brunette was also one with whom L could share feelings with, certain feelings that others couldn’t even dream to comprehend. And when he wanted to be, Light was kind. He always knew just what to say to make L’s heart brighten. He would give soft kisses and heart-melting hugs, and when had Light said he loved him, L had felt special. When Light loved you, it felt as if nothing else mattered. If one was lucky enough to receive Light’s affections, they would be the luckiest soul in the universe. 

When it was just the two of them, everything was right. Light made L feel emotions that he had tried so hard to hide. But, Light didn’t make these feelings scary. L had felt good loving Light. 

And maybe that was part of the reason L still wanted to believe that Light was Kira. Because, then it would make what he did okay. Then he could justify his actions. If Light was Kira, his suffering would be just. And L knew that he could stop loving Light if he was a murderer. He knew that if Light was executed for his crimes, then he wouldn’t have to feel this loathsome guilt. Then, he wouldn’t have to question his affections for the brunette and everything would go back to normal.

But if Light was innocent, L didn’t know how he would be able to live with himself. If Light had actually been framed, L would’ve been wrong. And L was never wrong. L never sent people to their deaths who didn’t deserve it. He never manipulated and coerced innocent civilians. He had never broken the heart of someone who didn’t deserve it. 

“What do I do Watari?” L sighed, feeling hopeless. “Do you honestly think he’s innocent?”

“I don’t know for sure.” Watari told him. “But I can’t see Light-kun as a murderer. He seemed genuinely distressed the first time he saw the shinigami. And, he’s just a child. A very smart child, don’t get me wrong. But still a child. I really can’t see him as Kira.”

L nodded listlessly, pondering these words. 

“But,” Watari continued, his voice growing soft. “I know that his feelings for you were real. I could see them plain as day, even when you two were fighting.”

L bit his lip. “Light could’ve just been manipulating me as well.” He whispered dryly. But even he could hear how unconvincing his voice sounded. He knew as well as Watari did that Light had loved him. And he had broken that love into a million little pieces. And Light had used one of those pieces to cut into himself, to make himself bleed. Kira or not, Light had given him his heart. And L had thrown it right back into his face. This knowledge made a sour taste well up in the back of his throat, and his heart constricted painfully. 

“L, I know you don’t believe that.” Watari slightly scolded his ward. “Not everyone is out to hurt you, you know. Not everyone is B.”

L’s head shot up and he narrowed his eyes. “I know that.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes to try and hide how much that statement had effected him. “B didn’t ruin me Watari. I beat him, remember?”

“You did.” Watari nodded. “But you were out for vengeance, not closure. I know it’s not my place to say, but I don’t think you’ve ever properly healed.”

L shakily stood up to try and regain some pride. He nibbled on his thumb fiercely and tried not to concentrate on how true Watari’s words were. he didn’t want to think about B. And why did it matter if he went after B for vengeance? It was closure, it was for him anyway. 

“B hurt me as a child.” L responded quietly. “But I’m older now. I know what he did was wrong, and there’s no reason I should let it plague my life. I am one of the brightest minds on the planet for goodness sake, what B did doesn’t haunt me. It was a reflection of his nasty character. What B did to me was his sin, not mine. You told me that, remember?”

“I do.” Watari nodded, but looked off to the side. “But that’s not what I’m saying L. It’s okay to not be okay. What B did to you was horrific, it was something no one should ever have to endure. Much less a child. And if you are still affected by it, that doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human."

L blinked away the wetness gathering in the corner of his eyes and shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want to still be affected by B, that was the whole point. No matter how human that emotion was, L despised the trauma B had given him. Because that meant that B had won. That no matter what L did in life or how great his accomplishments were, he would still be haunted by B’s memory. He didn’t want B to have that kind of power over him. 

“Light isn’t B.” Watari spoke again, and L cocked his head in confusion.

“Of course he’s not.” L dismissed. “I am not inept Watari, I know they are two different people.”

“Do you?” Watari gently countered. “The reason you use emotions and sex as weapons is because that’s what was taught to you, correct?”

L felt taken aback, but gave a short nod. Yes, he knew how powerful having control of someone’s emotions could be. He also knew how weak emotions could make you. 

“But that’s not right.” Watari told him, his voice cracking. “You’re constantly on the offensive. You constantly find people and use them. But you never let anyone get close to you, the real you. Because you’re afraid that they will use you exactly how B did.”

L stared at the man in shock. He could feel his blood run cold. Because Watari had just so plainly stated what had been troubling him all these years. And L hadn’t of even fully realized that that was what he had been doing. But, it now made too much sense to him. A blackness filled his heart and the pit inside of his stomach grew tenfold. 

“But I know that Light Yagami wasn’t out to hurt you. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I could tell that your heart would’ve been safe with him, if you had decided to love him in that way.”

A choked sob rose inside of his throat and it took all of his strength to swallow it back down. L looked up at the barren white ceiling, trying to not completely break down. 

“Maybe.” He whispered thickly. “I’m sorry Watari.”

“For what?” The older man sounded quite surprised.

“For taking this too far, I should’ve listened to you.” He quickly blinked away tears and went out to go sit on his bed. He couldn’t loose himself, not over this. He folded himself into his crouching position and looked at Watari from across the room. His heart was pounding inside of his throat. “I do feel guilty, for everything I’ve done. I want you to know that. And if Light is innocent….I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“L-“ Watari started, but L cut him off. He couldn’t bear anymore advice, he just couldn’t. The guilt was threatening to swallow him whole and he didn’t know how to escape from it. 

“I’ll be fine.” He whispered, thinly. “I’ll figure it out, I always do.”

Watari was silent, but gave him a small nod. 

“Could you get me some tea?” L requested, and hated how his voice cracked. “Please?”

“Of course, I’ll be right back.” Water turned to walk towards the door and L felt a small tear roll down his cheek. 

“But L, I want you to really think about this situation. Because I never want anything like this to happen again. And I’m not saying you’re a bad person, but you’ve done a bad thing.” Watari spoke with his back to him, and turned the door handle. L sniffled.

“Do you think he would ever forgive me?” L knew the answer, and he didn’t know why he bothered asking such an inane question.

“I don’t know.” Watari sighed. 

“I never forgave B.” L laughed a hollow laugh, and his mouth felt like sand paper. “I hated him for what he did to me. And I suppose now Light has that same right. And no matter how much I hated B, I still turned into him.”

“No L.” Watari vehemently shook his head. “You are nowhere near as bad as that monster. You aren’t.”

“Okay.” He whispered, not believing Watari's words. Because he certainly felt like a monster.

“You must realize your mistake, and take responsibility for what you’ve done. And you must work to change yourself. Because, you cannot continue what B has put you through. You have to break the cycle. For everyone's sake.” And with that, Watari disappeared to go and fetch L his tea. Leaving him alone with these troubling thoughts. Leaving him alone with all of his guilt.

If karma existed, it was currently hitting L with it’s full intensity. He wished there was something he could say to soothe himself, but there wasn’t. He had done a horrible thing. He had possibly scarred an innocent person. And there was nothing he could do to change that, nothing he could do to reverse it. Light had hurt himself because of him. Light was destroyed, because of him. And if Light wasn’t Kira, he had no excuse. He was just a horrible beast. He was a horrible beast who would have to feel this stabbing repentance over and over again.

He had made someone who loved him hate him with all of their heart. And maybe, L had lost someone that he could’ve truly loved too. That knowledge was what hurt him the most. That knowledge filled his veins with a deadly poison. That knowledge made him want to run away and hide forever. That knowledge wanted to make him lobotomize himself, simply to forget. He didn’t want to live with this knowledge. 

So he didn’t think, he couldn’t anymore. He asked Watari to bring him a sleeping aid and chased the pills down with burning hot tea. It scorched his dry throat, but he deserved it. He deserved to feel agonizing pain for what he had done. 

He laid in bed and wrapped the comforter tightly around himself, tying to drown out his wailing thoughts. He prayed that unconsciousness would be kinder.

*I’ve loved and I’ve lost. And I very well may have destroyed myself because of this game.* His heart shriveled and he felt silent sadness trailing down his cold face. 

*Nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness.* He grimly tried to remind himself, as he was fading into slumber. *Maybe this is a horrible dream. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.*

Rien n’est éternal.

The next thing he was aware of was someone shaking him urgently. Blinking his tired eyes, he slowly sat up in bed. His head pounded and felt as if someone had just taken a bat to his skull. No, that wasn’t right. It felt as if someone had just plucked his brain out, dissected all of the vital parts, and left a gory lump of flesh inside of his skull. His neck ached and he cracked it loudly, a chill running up his spine as he did so. The cracking reminded him of a breaking which reminded him of a shattering, which reminded him of the mirror. He needed tea. Or rum. 

His vision cleared and he saw that Watari had awoken him. The older man was staring down at him with urgency flashing inside of his eyes. It sent off alarm bells inside of his head, and L quickly yawned.

“What is it?” He questioned, his voice still deep from sleep. 

“I rewatched the security footage from the camera’s in Light’s room. And I saw that someone had visited him.” Watari told him quickly. “You must see what’s happened immediately."


	12. In Asylum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter....this chapter was a bitch and a half to write, let me tell you. It was so incredibly difficult to portray everything I wanted to and even then I'm not sure I'm satisfied. But, I'm as satisfied as I can be and I do really want to get this chapter out into the world. I just pray you guys will enjoy reading it more than I did writing it. 
> 
> ALSO, the dream scene. Okay, this will not make sense if you haven't watched Bojack Horseman. I mean it probably will, but all of the little easter eggs won't be easily recognized. I based this dream around the episode 'The View From Halfway Down' with minor changes and death note symbolism to go along with the plot of my story. All I can say, was that episode was frickin' GENIUS!! I cried watching it, it's such a beautiful work of art that even if you've never watched a single episode of Bojack I highly recommend watching that one episode. That's why this chapter was so hard to write, I wanted it to portray it exactly right. But, oh well. This dream scene works for the purpose of my story;)
> 
> And I've also fallen ill with an unknown sickness, and I've just been feeling drained and tired these last few days. Which makes it so hard to write:( Luckily, that's where my sibling comes in. I begged them to help me write this, I really amped up the theatrics. They added in the part of the dream that was inspired by Jack Stauber's 'Library' claymation. And it gave me chills reading that part. So thank you so so much to my sibling, this chapter wouldn't of been possible without you:) Their username is Deathnotebrainrot155 
> 
> Okay, that's all from me for today I think. Now off to go split dye my hair and sleep some more;) I hope you all enjoy this chapter!!

Light reached out to ring the doorbell of his house. It let out a soothing chime, alerting his mother that he was here for the dinner party. The rays of the setting sun felt warm against his back, and he could see the darkness of night creeping up the purple and pink sky. A soft breeze blew through his hair, and he inhaled the scent of home. Home. It had been so long since he had been back here. An yet, it felt as if no time had passed. He almost couldn’t even remember why he had been away. None of that mattered anyhow, not now. A sense of calmness had entered him, and that was a feeling he had been deprived of for so long. He basked in it. 

“What have you got there?” Misa asked from besides him. Light look down at the potted plant he was holding.

“I think it’s a red spider lily.” Light responded, slightly shrugging. He studied the blood red plant, as it’s petals moved with the wind. It was mesmerizing. He had thought that it would be nice to bring a gift back to his mother, to show her how much he had missed her. 

“What’s that?” Misa wrinkled her nose, inspecting the flower. She ran her small hand over the red petals. “It’s pretty but…does she even like that kind of flower?”

“Probably.” Light shifted on his feet. He was impatient and wanted to see his mother as soon as possible. “Everyone likes pretty flowers, right?”

Suddenly, the door opened and Light saw his mother’s face for the first time in what seemed like forever. Her kind brown eyes widened in excitement and she shot him a loving smile. Her whole face seemed to brighten as she held out her arms towards him. “Hello Light.”

“Hi mom!” Light’s smile seemed to stretch across his entire face, and his cheeks ached. But he didn’t care. His heart seemed to swell with happiness, and he pressed his head lovingly against his mother’s shoulder as she drew him in for a hug. Her arms felt safe. “Thanks for having me.”

“Of course.” His mother smiled, taking the pot from his arms and pressing them to her nose. “You’re the guest of honor, after all. Everyone, Light is here! Oh this will look so good as a centerpiece!"

His mother motioned for them to follow, and they did after removing their shoes. Light walked through the familiar hallways which seemed…unfamiliar. Huh. He knew that this was his house, he had lived here for his whole life. He would recognize those bronze hardwood floors and olive walls from anywhere. He recognized the long staircase that he had rushed down everyday to go to school. He smelled his mother’s cooking and vanilla incense that his mother had always filled the house with. This was his home alright. So, why did something feel off? What was he missing?

Ah, no matter. He was just happy to be home. But, what had his mother said?

“Everyone?” Light slightly questioned as they made their way to the kitchen. “Who else is here?”

“Well everyone was just so excited for your return.” Sachiko gushed. She then gestured to the table. “Everyone, here’s the guest of honor!”

Light’s eyes widened as he took in the surroundings. This was definitely not his dining room. Had his mother repainted in his absence? The walls were now a rich red color, with intricate white spirals dancing across the wall. The walls looked as if they had been painted with blood, and they seemed to slightly glow. The table was covered in a pure white table cloth that had a soft red strip of fabric matching the walls running down the middle. The chairs were ruby red as well, but they looked plush and expensive. Unlike the normal brown wooden chairs that he had sat at all his life. And at the head of the table, was a white throne of sorts. It was a giant chair, one that looked as if it was meant for a king. He could see the fireplace behind it, the yellow flames danced around the white throne. Wait, when had they gotten a fireplace?

But his heart dropped as he took in the attendees of his dinner. His father and his sister were there, of course. This wasn’t abnormal. What was abnormal was that L was sitting in one of these chairs. He was sitting in the one closest to the white chair, and was sitting in his typical crouched position. His knees rested against the table comfortably and he stared at Light with those abyssal orbs of his. They seemed extra desolate tonight. But before Light could get too creeped out, L offered him a small smile. 

But, for some odd reason, Light feels a chill run up his spine. Wasn’t he mad at L? He can’t remember over what, but he knows that he is furious with the man. So, L must’ve done something awful. Why did his mother invite him here? She doesn’t even know L!

Light then realizes that he has been standing at the head of the long table for quite a long time, and feels a flush of embarrassment creep onto his face. No, it was not polite to loiter at the table while company was present. And his mother had worked so hard in preparing this dinner for him. It wouldn’t be so bad, and L would probably leave after. This would be the last time Light would have to see him. He could deal with that, he knew how to fake politeness very well.

So, he pulled the white chair out and hastily sat down. It was the only chair left, after all. He settled into the soft cushions and sighed in contentment. This was quite possibly one of the nicest chairs he had ever sat in. He tried not to slouch too much, and sat up straight. Squaring back his shoulder, he noticed everyone was staring at him. L had taken the seat to his left and Misa was one his right, clasping his hand tightly. His mother was next to Misa and his father sat across from Sachiko. Say sat at the head of the table. And…

Light felt his heart drop when he saw who was standing behind Sayu. It was the shinigami. It’s devilish red eyes bore into him, and it’s painted blue lips were stretched into a wide grin. It seemed as if this damn shinigami was always smiling. It’s skeletal body was hunched over and it stood as still as death. Almost as if it was a grim reaper. Which, in a sense, it was. Light gulped, and looked away. He had seen the shinigami before and it hadn’t harmed him…yet.

“Don’t be afraid dear.” Misa suddenly spoke up. Light turned his head sharply to see that Misa was also smiling at him. Her smile was almost as wide as the demon’s and it made her face stretch into a manic expression. Light tried not to squirm when he noticed that her eyes were the same blood red color as the demon’s. 

“Yes, the shinigami is a guest.” His mother assured him, and Light nodded slowly. How could his mother see the shinigami? Questions swirled through his head but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. So he tried to calm his racing heartbeat and stared at the shiny silverware placed in front of him. The knife glinted dangerously, and seemed to sparkle.

“Well,” Sachiko broke the silence, moving her napkin to her lap. “Dinner won’t be ready for another few minutes. Would anyone like to play a game?”

“Oooohh…what game mom?” Sayu clapped excitedly, making Light smile despite himself. His little sister had always been so free-spirited and excitable. As opposed to Light, who was always calm and measured. Though they had quite opposite personalities, they shared a kinship. They got along better than most siblings he knew, anyway. 

“Let’s play best and worst moments.” Sachiko suggested. “Reminiscing would be quite fun, wouldn’t it?”

Light bit his lip. He didn’t really want to remember the past, it was the past for a reason after all. And he certainly didn’t want to go over the worst time of his life, he preferred to keep those hidden. Why would his mother want to play such an intimate game especially with company?

For some reason though, he felt compelled to play. he didn’t understand it. 

“I’ll go first.” Sayu proclaimed. “My best moment….let’s see, probably when Light helped me study to get a perfect score on my math test.”

Light cocked his head in surprise. “Really? That’s your best moment of you whole life?”

She shrugged. “Why not? You were helping me. You didn’t have to, but you did it anyway. It made me feel safe, knowing that if I ever had a problem I could come to you.”

Sachiko gave her a soft smile. “That’s a lovely sentiment.” She told Sayu. 

Light felt his heart warm, but it immediately froze over after hearing her next words.

“My worst memory was when you left.” He could hear how Sayu’s voice broke and she quickly swiped a hand under her eye. “I came home from school and you just…weren’t there. I set a place for you at dinner, but you never came back. And…I don’t know, I always felt as if you were always going to be there. Like you were this constant force in my life that I could always depend on. I had never realized that you were so temporary.”

“Sayu I…I don’t know what to say.” Light swallowed a thick lump in the back of his throat. Shame coursed through him. He had let his sister down. He hadn’t of realized how devastating his absence would be. And now their relationship might never be the same. His sister would never be able to depend on him again, because of what L had done.

“I know how you feel.” His mother said mournfully. “The best moment of my life was when Light was born. I was so, so proud of him. From the first time I held you in my arms, I knew you were destined for greatness. That's why I named you Light. Because you were the light of my life, you made everything around you brighter. And when you didn’t come home….that light disappeared.”

“I’m..sorry.” Light whispered. How could he have left his family? How could he have made such an impact on their lives? And how could he reverse the damage he had caused? He should’ve never left his mother, he should’ve known that that would hurt her. How would their relationship ever be repaired? Would his mother be forced to distance herself from Light in order to protect her own emotions? Light didn’t think he would be able to bear that. He despised the fact that he had let his family down in such a devastating way. His chest tightened and a rather large pit appeared in the bottom of his stomach. How had Kira taken so much from him?

“It’s not completely Light’s fault.” His father interjected, and Light started. What did his father mean by that? “I should’ve never allowed his false execution. I…should’ve never pointed that gun at you son. I shouldn’t have blindly followed L’s orders. I thought I was doing what was best. I-I thought that that was the only way to clear your name. But it didn’t work.”

“That was the best moment for me. Before I picked you up from that detention center, I thought that I would be able to make everything better.” His father continued, his voice rough with sadness. “Because I thought that I was helping you. I thought it would clear your name. And then, L handcuffed himself to you. You still weren’t free, and you only got worse. And on top of that, you feared me. Because I had made an attempt on your life. No matter how fake that execution was, it still hurt you. I traumatized my own son and….it was all for nothing at all. That was my worst moment for me, after I got out of that car I realized just exactly what I had done.” A choked sob rose out of his father’s throat as he buried his hands inside of his face. “I’m so sorry Light. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.”

“Dad…” Light shifted uncomfortably, his heart sinking in thrashing waves of hurt. He had had no idea that his father felt so guilty. He had thought that his father actually did believe he was Kira, and that was the only reason he had agreed to the plan. Light had thought that his father wanted to test his own doubts. But, it hadn’t of been that at all. His father had wanted to free him from L’s clutches. he was trying to protect him, he just hadn’t of realized how devious L truly was. “I understand, now. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me.”

“I feel relieved knowing that you were only trying to help me.” Light breathed out. “I thought…I don’t know, I guess I thought that you actually believed I could be Kira. I thought-"

“Aw Light, of course your father loves you.” Misa interrupted, dragging Light’s attention over to her. He grimaced, he hated being interrupted. Couldn’t Misa see that he was trying to resolve his issues with his father?

*Ah, well when Misa wants to say something she’ll say it no matter what.* he thought, trying not to show his annoyance. *She never was good at reading a room.*

“I love you too.” Misa continued, her eyes glittering with affection. Light nodded and offered her a small smile. He knew this. And while it was getting increasingly hard to continue to lead the girl on, what could he do? He didn’t want to break up with her because then everyone could find out his secret. And Misa never seemed bothered by his lack of affection, right? 

*It’s not like I’m completely leading her on.* He tried to reassure himself. *I like Misa, sometimes. Sometimes she can be nice. And she is pretty.*

Light wasn’t deceiving her for sinister reasons, after all. He wasn’t manipulating her because he thought that she could be a serial killer. He wasn’t pretending that he returned her love. And he wasn’t going to rip her heart out, and completely betray her trust. So, he wasn’t L. He wasn’t hurting Misa in the same way that L had hurt him.

Right?

“That was my best moment.” She gushed, throwing her hands over her heart. “When I met Light, it felt like everything was right in my life. I had finally met my soulmate, and I felt complete. He’s my everything, my knight in shining armor. And when he agreed to go out with me….it’s like I could hear the angels singing. I just couldn’t believe someone as perfect and darling as Light would ever want to be with little old me! But he does, and every day I wake up knowing I’m the luckiest girl in the universe.”

Light blushed and looked away, the stars shining in her eyes made him nauseous. He knew how Misa felt about him, but he had never heard it in so many words. The way she described their love was poetic. And it was, from her end. She was just another girl to him. He could never imagine feeling those things about the blonde. He knew that his soul belonged to another. And if Misa ever found that out…

It would be like a betrayal. His blood turned to ice, and he suddenly felt quite faint. 

“That’s sweet Misa.” He mumbled, turning his knife over in his hand. He felt the eyes of everyone on him and he didn’t like it, not one bit. Were they expecting a love confession from him? What was he supposed to say? Luckily, Misa continued on with her monologue and didn’t let Light get a word in edgewise. Thank God for her mindless chatter.

“Oh Light, I just love you to pieces.” She sighed, and when he looked up her eyes had suddenly darkened. He frowned, why had her mood just changed so drastically? “That’s why it hurts me that you don’t want to follow me. That’s my worst moment, I think.”

Light frowned, and the utensil suddenly fell from his fingers. What did that mean? Follow her where? Did that mean she knew he didn’t return her affections? His face felt inflamed and his heart pounded dangerously inside of his chest. 

“Well.” Misa suddenly straightened up and her bright smile reappeared. “What about you L? What’s you best and worst moments?”

“Must I participate in this droll game?” L sighed. His thumb was resting against his lips and he looked bored as death. Light had almost forgotten the raven was beside him. 

He felt something pierce his heart, and he frowned at the detective. “It would be rude not to.”

L’s black eyes slightly widened and he nodded. A cryptic smile appeared on his lips. “Hm, I suppose that is true Light-kun. Alright, I suppose my best moment would have to be when Watari took me in off of the streets.”

Light nodded, he could’ve figured as much. L didn’t elaborate, and suddenly his piercing black eyes turned onto Light. Light fought the urge to flinch, as those eyes seemed to burn into him.

“My worst moment, however, would have to be the moment I realized that I had fallen in love with you, Light-kun.” L whispered, his voice low and menacing. He actually sounded quite angry, and it made Light’s stomach flip upside down. He looked around the table in a panic, but for some odd reason no one looked fazed by this confession. Not even Misa, she just nodded attentively.

Light felt his own eyes narrow and turned back to the raven. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He demanded in a strained voice. “That’s a rather cruel thing to say.”

Light wasn’t a bad person to love. Was he? Why was L looking at him as if Light was some curse he’d been burdened with? L was the one who had hurt him, not the other way around!

L let out a small laugh, and the bitter echoed inside of his brain painfully. “Because I hurt you.” L explained, his eyes turning sorrowful. “I didn’t realize I loved you until it was too late. I had always believed that you were just another vulture waiting to dine on my carcass. I was so preoccupied with destroying you, I didn’t even realize that I was the vulture."

Light sat back, and tried not to let his mouth hang open. What had L just said? L did’t love him! That-That was impossible! If he cared for Light at all, why would he have hurt him? L was just lying again. He felt his lips tug into a fearsome scowl, and resisted the urge to chuck his plate into L’s pale face. 

“Stop lying.” Light tried to demand, but his voice came out weak. “You don’t give one single fuck about me! If you did, why would you have broken my heart?”

“Because I’m in a bad way, Light-kun.” L responded lowly. “I don’t know how to love. Everything I did to you was a symptom of a greater illness, it has nothing to do with you.”

“Like hell it does!” Light shouted. “I-I loved you, you asshole! You didn’t have to use me, you didn’t have to betray me like that! You did that because you wanted to, because you could. You’re such a lying bastard, taking about love!”

“You’re right.” L sighed. “I hurt you because that’s what I do. But while I didn’t care for you at first, I grew to love you. I loved you as if you were a part of me. I loved you more than I ever have anyone. I am not lying about how I feel about you, I swear.”

“Your words mean nothing to me.” Light rolled his eyes. “If you loved me, you would’ve stopped what you were doing. Not continued it. People don’t hurt the people they love.”

“Sometimes they do.” L said solemnly. “What is love? What we call love is simply two broken souls trying to mend one another. Love isn’t the happy ending in a fairytale where the princess finally gets her prince. Love is a twisted emotion, it warps your very mind. Love hurts, love is pain. The first kind of love I experienced nearly killed me. It was a vicious tiger, that ripped me apart until I was nothing more than bloody remains.”

“That may be true, love tears at your very soul. I know that, now.” Light admitted. “But you don’t purposely hurt the ones you love. Why…why did you have to do that?”

“Dinner is served!” His mother suddenly announced, successfully breaking up his and L’s argument. Light frowned but didn’t dare go on, his mother had worked hard on this dinner after all. He wanted to be kind and cordial, not st;art a food fight with his infuriating ex-lover. L was simply playing more games. There was no point to their argument, it didn’t matter anyway. L had broken Light’s heart, and there was nothing in the world that could change that fact. L would continue to lie, and Light’s heart would continue to break. 

So why did he want to believe L’s poisonous words?

He shook his head, trying to banish these loathsome thoughts. The scent of blood, metallic and deadly, suddenly hit his nose and he almost physically recoiled. Who was bleeding? Looking down in shock, he saw the source.

He had been served a steak. Only, it looked more like mauled flesh. It was barely burnt, it sat on his plate as if someone had simply carved a piece of the cow out and not even bothered putting a flame to it. It was swimming in a pool of blood, as if the blood was meant to be some sort of depraved sauce. It was thick and dark, and almost seemed to move around the plate. 

“My steaks bleeding.” Light said, not really meaning for these words to leave his mouth. He heard a deep growling laughter come from beside him. He flinched, looking up to see the demon’s orbs trained onto him.

“Why don’t you eat this instead?” The creature suggested. Light looked down to see that inside of his talons was a bright red apple. This apple looked perfect, as if God himself had made it. It was the most vicarious red color, and seemed to sparkle. It was smooth and not an imperfection could be seen. The demon held it under his face in an offering. The apple’s scent hit his nose and he almost moaned. It smelt sweet and tantalizing, it smelt like how an overrcented candle would. he felt his mouth involuntarily water.

He took it, nodding in thanks towards the shinigami. The apple was soft and smooth and seemed to fit inside of his palm perfectly. As if this apple was made for him. Light almost scoffed at the thought. But, still. It seemed to call to him. 

'Eat me.' It whispered. ‘Everything you want can be yours. I hold all of your hopes and dreams. Eat me, and everything will make sense.’

He raised the apple to his lips, but paused. It’s almost as if it WAS calling to him. He stared at the apple in confusion, as a faint golden glow seemed to emanate off of the fruit. And while it was tempting, Light felt apprehension bubble up inside of himself. he felt fear staring at this perfect fruit, because it was almost too perfect. His brain screamed at him to drop the apple. 

Light felt his stomach drop, this apple was dangerous. He didn’t know how he knew that, he just did. he somehow instinctively knew that it’s promises were false. He somehow knew that it’s pristine appearance was covering something much more sinister. He knew that if he took a bite, everything would change. And it would change for the worse.

“Caw, Caw!”

Light started and the apple immediately fell from his grasp, landing on the table with a painfully loud thump. Looking up at the ceiling, which was also blood red, Light saw a black raven. It was fluttering wildly around the room, as if looking for an exit. It’s caws rang loudly inside of his ears, making him feel as if the raven was screaming at him. The flapping of it’s wings sounded like fierce winds, and Light felt a shiver crawl up his spine. 

Suddenly, the raven made a dive towards him. Light let out a small yelp, but couldn’t move. He felt frozen to his chair. The raven, luckily, landed right besides his plate. Light breathed a quiet sigh of relief and quickly studied the bird. The raven stood silently next to his plate, almost looking like a statue. 

This bird was special. From just a plane, it looked like another raven. But, Light saw it’s eyes. It’s bright red eyes seemed to glow, and they seemed to warn him. They bore into him, telling him that he was in danger. It ruffled it’s night black feather and tilted it’s head towards the doorway. Light felt his heart slowly begin to sink. Why wasn’t anyone else alarm that a large fowl had just landed on the dinner table? Why were they all staring at him?

And, weren’t ravens an omen of death?

“I-I should get going.” Light stammered, quickly rising fro his chair. For some unknown reason, it felt as if the walls were closing in. The air had grown thick with tension and the silence was no longer comfortable. And everyone just kept looking at him. 

“So soon?” L asked. Light nodded frantically, almost tripping over his feet as he walked backwards.

“But, you’ll miss the show.” L’s hand suddenly shot out and gabbed Light’s arm roughly, making Light nearly yelp. He looked around the table, silently begging for someone to help him. But his blood turned to led inside of his veins as he realized everyone had disappeared, He looked around the room wildly, but only himself and L remained.

“Where are they?” He whispered, and L offered him a small smile.

“Come and see.” He took Light’s arm and led him through a door. Light followed dazedly, and the raven cawed furiously behind him.

Is it foretelling a death? My death?

He was led into a room with a grand stage. It looked like something a regal theater might own. Light purple chairs that were sat on plush royal purple carpets surrounded the elegant stage. Emerald green curtains were brushed to the side and a bright spotlight was trained on the center. Light looked around, feeling his eyes widening. This room was humongous, the ceilings seemed to never stop. He felt like a small ant in a concrete metropolitan. Behind the stage was a giant window, showcasing the perfect white sphere that was the moon. The dead rock seemed to shine brightly, and it seemed to be bigger than normal. As if the moon was somehow just outside that very window. The stars twinkled dazzlingly against the violet night sky. 

“What is this?” Light whispered, feeling confusion fill his being. He knew for a fact that his house had no room like this in it. Were they even in his house anymore? And if not, what would they be doing here? Where did L take him? Did he mean to show Light some kind of play? Light was not in the mood to watch some droll performance. 

“Wait and see,” A guttural voice voice, not L’s, responded to him. Light turned his head an found L had disappeared as well. The shinigami laid a clawed hand on Light’s shoulder, making him flinch. His instincts were screaming at him to run, but where to? Sweat collected in his hairline. “Can you remember them?”

“Wha-“ Light uttered, in a daze before the light’s dimmed. He almost flinched again, and cursed himself for being so jumpy. The moon glowed brighter now against the darkness of the room, it seemed to glow a shade lighter than white. If that was even possible. 

And then, the music started. It was loud and dreadfully slow, it sounded like some old-timey nonsense. The sound grated his nerves and he had to force himself to not cover his ears. Light almost jumped when he heard the sound of loud footsteps as a man dressed in a tuxedo made his way onto the stage. He, unsettlingly, looked like an almost exact copy of L.

Except for the fact that the mans eyes were red as blood.

Light shivered as the man suddenly turned to gaze at him, head turned at an impossible angle and a smile tearing his face in half.

“Can you guess who they are, Light?” The man questioned, his distorted voice ringing out loudly through the theater. The brunette shivered in revulsion at the horrid sound and felt his stomach twist itself into tight knots. He glanced in the direction the man was pointing to, finding that five black chairs were now placed on the stage. And five, almost blurred out, people were sitting in them, facing away from him. Light grimaced as he found that he couldn’t make out who they could possibly be.

“I-,” he swallowed the past the lump in his dry throat, “I-I don’t know-,”

The raven haired man stared back at him with a look alike disappointment, red eyes glinting. 

“That’s wrong,” The man all but spits, his all too wide smile still plastered on his face. Light felt his palms go slick with sweat and he desperately wanted to leave. And he would have, if not for the monster behind him. So all he could do was to try to guess who the hell the people that were sitting in the chairs were. 

“Would you like a hint?” The man suddenly asks. Light straightens immediately and nods vigorously. The red eyed mans smile grew almost threatening and he let out a sharp laugh.

It sounded like a monster’s

“This persons death would crush you,” Was all the man said, still grinning like the cheshire cat. Light's lungs felt as if they had shriveled up in his chest, a cold feeling making its way towards his pounding heart.

He knew all too well who the raven was referring to.

“M-mom?” He rasped, vision blurred. The raven grinned with large crooked teeth, a strange black liquid suddenly leaking out of his mouth.

“Correct!” He cackled, the distortion in his voice only growing. And with a swift, almost aggressive movement, he grabbed the edge of the swivel chair and spun it around to face Light. The brunette almost screamed in horror as he realized his mom’s face was empty. And, that is not to say her expression was empty.

Her face had just been replaced with at empty black pit.

And it was the same for everyone as the raven haired man swung each of the chairs around. Light felt dizzy as he saw the rest of his family, along with Misa and L, turn their empty heads to stare at him. His being shook with a fear he had only felt once and he felt bile coat the back of his tongue. He wanted to leave. He wanted to get as far away as possible from this nightmare of a scene. He felt on the brink of hysteria and his tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth. And, just as Light thought nothing could get worse, the raven turned his head to look at him. Black liquid was now coating his teeth and now had, for some reason, started to pour from his bright red eyes. The man let out a chuckle of disbelief and, for the first time, Light realized that blood and gore had painted the front of his tuxedo, along with mud .

“Wha- you- you don’t remember what they look like?” He questioned, eyes impossibly wide, “Jus- just make something up!”

Horribly loud, distorted music rang through the room Light felt the urge to cover his ears. If only he could find the will to move. He felt as if some demon had sunk its claws into him and was trying to drag him to hell.

Or, perhaps, he was already there.

Light felt his heart sink all the way to his feet as he realized he was utterly alone at the moment, despite there being six other people in the room. He was, for the foreseeable future, trapped in this wretched place with no one to comfort him. And, at this moment, he would even take L over being alone.

If only he could remember what he looked like. . .

A sudden, shrieking laugh jolted the brunette out of his thoughts. To his utter horror, the raven had doubled over hacking and spitting black goo everywhere. The man stumbled back and forth as if someone was pushing him, gasping.

“Y-you, H-H-,” the mans gibberish was cut off by another bout of hysterical laughter and he started frantically clawing at his eyes. Light flinched in terror and disgust as the raven nearly scratched his eye right out of its socket. Oh god, Light thought, horrified, he’s trying to rip his eyes out. 

“You’ll n-never escape him!” He suddenly gasped out, still clawing at his eyes. Light froze.

“What, who-?”

“Why did you leave us, Light?” His mother suddenly asked, her voice heavily distorted. Light felt his jaw lock as he slowly turned to look at his mother’s empty face. He could still hear the raven screaming in the background, however now it sounded like white noise. He hoped to any god that was listening that he had misheard his mother. He felt unwanted tears well up in his burning eyes and he rapidly blinked them away.

“I didn’t mean to, really!” He promised, voice shaky, “It. . . it wasn’t my fault, mom! Please-!”

“But you did, you left me,” She cut him off, sounding absolutely heart broken. “You left us all. Please come back. . .”

“Please, Light!” Misa suddenly piped up, “Why don’t you love me?”

The brunette felt his heart crumple at that. He could feel his expression become horribly guilty and he wanted to look away. However, it seemed as if the black pits that had replaced everyone’s faces were slowly drawing him in.

He felt himself take a step forward.

“Light!” Sayu wailed, “Please come back and help me with my homework again!”

Light felt a sob wrench itself out of his throat.

“Please, come back, my son,” His father mourned, holding his empty face in his hands.

“Yes please join us, Light-kun,” L softly said, holding out a hand to him, “I promise to treat you better. Please give me one last chance.”

Light’s chest ached and he slowly reached his hand out to L’s. All he wanted was to go back to the way things were. He just wanted this nightmare to be over with. 

“Come join us,”

“Come join us!”

“Come join us,”

“Come join us!”

“Come join us, Light-kun,”

Light felt a smile grace his chapped and bloody lips.

He wanted to go back.

He just wanted to be happy.

So much so, that he nearly forgot the raven’s incessant screaming.

However, now it was back at full force.

“Help me! Oh god, help!” The raven screeched. Light felt something akin to an electric shock run through his body and his hand drew back. His eyes darted to where the man was, and his heart stuttered. Air rushed out of his lungs at the sight before him and Light slowly backed away, a hand already clasped firmly over his mouth. The raven was currently shaking uncontrollably and his hands were covered in blood and gore. He teetered to the side before collapsing onto the stage. And when he looked up, it was a sight Light would never be able to get out of his mind.

His face was bloodied with red and black and dark pits lay where his eyes should have been.

“Light-kun? Are you coming?” 

The brunette slowly tore his gaze away from the screaming man and back towards the others.

His heart slammed into his throat as he realized dark black liquid was now pouring from everyone’s faceless heads.

He didn’t wait to find out if that would happen to him next.

Light spun around and forced his legs to go toward the exit. He ignored the others moaning calls and stumbled past the chair littered in his path. He swallowed down the burning bile in his throat and blinked away the tears in his dark brown eyes. 

The door was locked. He twisted and pulled at the handle frantically but it wouldn’t budge. Terror swam around his heart like a hungry shark and he could feel his knees shaking. He started relentlessly pounding at the door, and felt the wood splintering underneath his violent fists. But nothing gave away and the door never opened. It sealed his tomb, and left him to die in that very room. The door was going to let him become another faceless body. 

His hands ached. He thought that any minute the bones in his wrists were simply going to snap in two from the way they were hitting the solid wood. But he couldn’t stop, he wouldn’t. Fear and underline coursed through his body making him feel as if he had just injected straight fire into his veins. 

“Just take the book.” A sinister voice hissed in his ear. “Everything will be alright again if you just take it!”

“NO!” Light screamed. He didn’t want to take anything this demon was offering him. The atmosphere around him felt hot and sticky, and he just wanted to open the door. He needed to open the door. He could feel the shinigami’s putrid breath sliding down his neck in waves. 

“Yes.” It insisted. “You know you want to.”

“I don’t!” Light shut his eyes and shook his head, it seemed like the shinigami was trying to read his very own mind.

“Take it!”

“I won’t!”

“But you’re going to.”

“Fuck you!” Light suddenly whirled around, ready to fight off the demon if it came to that, but he was met with nothingness. All he could see was an empty room with chairs strewn about. He jerked his head around wildly, thinking that maybe the shinigami was hiding in the shadows. 

But he was indeed alone.

So, why could he still hear footsteps? And they were quite heavy footsteps. Where were they coming from? Behind the door? Light suddenly heard a lock click and felt cold dread fill him.

Someone was coming.

“Hello?” He called out, tentatively. “L, this isn’t funny!”

He was met with more footsteps. And they were getting closer. His heartbeat was racing inside of his throat. 

“Get away!” He screamed at the air around him, but the footsteps did not head his warning. They only grew louder. It sounded as if an elephant had just stormed into a china shop. The walls around him shook and he saw the window start to crack. The crack grew, turning the glass into spidery cobwebs. The moon’s light seemed to burn brighter, illuminating him with such a force that for a moment he felt like he couldn’t breath. 

Drip.

A sudden wetness hit his head, and he frowned. The footsteps had stopped and silence filled the heavy air. 

Drip.

There it was again. Had a pipe burst? He was afraid to breath, lest the footsteps came back again. He stood in the empty theater, and the only thing he could hear was something dripping. Something wet.

Drip.

This time, he felt the liquid burn into him. Like it was seeping into his skull trying to melt his brain. Another scorching drop fell into his hair and he hissed in pain. He didn’t want to look up, but knew that he should. So, slowly angling his head up to the ceiling, he saw the source of the wetness. 

The big, ugly, horrific source. Black tar was seeping from the ceiling. The wet spot above him was slowly growing, and the drips of black nothingness were now coming out in waves. It was as if a dam had just been broken and a flood of ooze was now being rained upon him. Gasping, he turned his head away but to no avail. The black poison attacked him with a vengeance. It coated his entire body, his entire soul. He felt as if he was on fire. And, he thought with a panic, he knew that he was sinking. He tried to move his feet, because his mind was begging for him to run. But he was stuck in the mess. He could only watch in horror as the black tar filled the rim and slowly crept up to his knees, and then his torso.

“L?” He choked out, feeling all of the air leave his lungs. “Help me, please!”

“What are you talking about Light-kun?” L’s monotone voice suddenly rang out. It echoed painfully across the room, over the deafening noise of the black ooze rushing towards him. He felt as if he was under a fearsome waterfall. “I can’t save you, you’re dead.”

“What?” He gasped out, feeling panic fill his chest. He looked around to try and find L, but blackness was the only thing he saw. “I’m not dead!” Because no, no he couldn’t be. He was standing here, wasn’t he? He was alive!

“You killed yourself, remember?”

The black tar, the bringer of death, suddenly filled his throat. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breath. He choked and tried to vomit out the repelling substance, but he was drowning in it. Tears filled his eyes as stars entered his vision. He was truly going to die here. There was nothing he could do. And no one would help him. A chill crawled down his spine as he closed his eyes, and death swallowed him whole. 

He jolted awake, involuntarily gasping. The steady beep of a heart monitor filled his ears as he looked dazedly up at the blank white ceiling. No dinner table. No stage. No fearsome black-haired man with red eyes or faceless loved ones. No black tar. It was a dream, of course it was a dream.

He moved his arm to rub away the confusion and bleariness of sleep from his eyes, but his arm was restrained. Frowning, he looked over and found that he was strapped to a bed. A hospital bed. Frowning, his head roughly fell back to hit the stiff pillow. The memories came rushing back to him and for a moment he wished that he truly had died. They had all seen him, like that. They had seen his arm, and all of the blood. They had seen him for what he was, what L had turned him into. A broken, helpless weakling. What would his father think? What would his mother think?

He let out an annoyed huff of air. Funny, he had been unchained and free for only ten minutes. He was trapped once again, because everyone would think that he was suicidal. Everyone would think that he was mad, and wanted to snuff out his own existence. Which, couldn’t be farther from the truth. No, Light knew he was too perfect to die. He was too brilliant, he had his whole life ahead of him! He had done this to save his life, which was such delicious irony he almost let out a harsh laugh. But his throat felt too dry. L would’ve taken his life if he hadn’t of acted. No, he was his own savior.

L. L was the reason he was here. L was the reason that his arm would be maimed forever. L was the reason that his chest felt as if it had a permanent crack inside of it. A crack that not even the stickiest glue could stick back together. Those loathsome thoughts rushed into him, plaguing him with a crippling sadness. Why, after all of this, did he still want to wake up next to L? Why did he want to look beside him and see those dark charcoal eyes?

But when he looked beside him now, all he could see was a mangled arm trapped inside of white bandages. A reminder of the permeant damage that had been inflicted on him. He felt bile rise in his throat. 

So, now what? He was meant to lie here like some sniveling twit? Fuck that. He didn’t need to recover, he didn’t need to be coddled. He needed to get his life back. He needed to go back to being Light Yagami. And he needed to forget about that monster known as L. As soon as possible, in the best case scenario. He was meant to go back to college, graduate, get a nice job and live a nice life. He was not meant to be trapped inside of some insane asylum. No, he wasn’t going to be forced from one cage into another. Righteous anger bubbled in his chest as he pettishly tugged on the restraints. But all that earned him was a dull throbbing pain in his forearm. 

Where was a nurse? He wanted more of those happy pain relief pills that would relieve him of his pain. Internal or otherwise. He wanted to sink back into unconsciousness and not think. Because when he was awake, all he thought of was L’s betrayal. He’d rather have the black ooze back than think about L’s sweet lies. His head throbbed nearly as much as his heart. Maybe the blackness from the dream was a metaphor for all of L’s poison that had seeped into his very bones.

This room felt cold and barren, but he knew that that should comfort him. Because that’s what he had decided his life was now, right? He was an untouchable heart with a bloody moat around his feelings. L didn’t deserve to plague his thoughts like this. L didn’t deserve his mourning, or his pain. Why couldn’t he simply hate the man? He knew he wasn’t just hurt because his pride had been beaten into dust, no. He was hurt because he still wanted to love L. He still wanted to be beside the raven, he still wanted to kiss him as if he was the only man alive. He still wanted to pour out his affections onto the detective, and that hurt. Light Yagami wasn’t that pathetic, was he? How badly had L damaged him? Why was his soul crying out for the man to swoop in and make everything better? He just wanted to go home. When would he ever be okay again? Was that even something he could hope for? Or would he always be doomed to walk a barren desert in search for love? 

He groaned, wishing that he could’ve cut into his brain instead of his arm. He wanted these thoughts banished far, far away.

*And L doesn’t even care.* He felt a sour taste rise up in his dry throat. *He’s probably thinking of how he can manipulate my feelings next. That beast. How could I have ever allowed myself to so willingly fall into his deceitful arms?* If his arms weren’t bound, he might have literally smacked himself upside his own head.

“Light, you’re awake?” A familiar voice spoke, and he turned his head sharply. Dread filled him as he saw the shinigami hovering beside a human that was painfully familiar, so familiar that Light knew who he was. Exactly who he was. Not just his real name, but also the one that the world had gifted him. He could feel his heartbeat quicken and his blood turned to molten lava inside of his veins. Why was this happening to him, of all people? Was it too much to ask to be able to be peacefully cuffed to a bed inside of a hospital? Blood rushed through his ears.

The shinigami lifted up it’s clawed hand to give him a small wave, it’s bloody eyes wide and terrifying. 

“Don’t worry Light. Your plan worked perfectly, Ryuk has told me all about what you’ve done.” The boy smiled. “You know who I am, right?”

The shinigami’s blue lips stretched into a gleeful smile, and cackled devilishly.


	13. It All Comes To Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll like the punny title? Ha, get it?
> 
> *crickets.*
> 
> Ah, well. I finally have some answers for you guys! In this chapter we learn who Kira is, also Aizawa has a nephew for plot purposes I made an executive decision. Thoughts? Concerns? I hope I explained everything well enough, if I didn't please let me know. I think I covered the main questions, like Kira's motives and how he set Light up. Okay, well, let's get into it! As always, I adore all of your comments and reviews ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ
> 
> P.S. L is having a little temper tantrum at the end because I felt like writing something funny for once XD Once I got the idea of L just roasting the Task Force members, I knew it had to exist in this story. L's um...not very good at handling his emotions, if you couldn't tell. He needs a good bitch session, so grab your popcorn;)
> 
> P.P.S. Thank you all for wishing me better in the last chapter, the sickness has somewhat subsided and I think that it has to do with all of your kind comments:))

“Yamamoto?” Light whispered, before clearing his throat. He hates croaking out his sentences like a frog. “How did you get in here?”

His old classmate smiled at him, cocking his head slightly. Light felt a chill run through him. “Ryuk distracted the nurses for me. They weren’t allowing any visitors besides your family, so I had to get creative.”

“I’m Ryuk by the way, guess I never formally introduced myself.” Ryuk flapped his wings and extended a clawed hand towards Light, but he merely looked at the demon. He wiggled his arms slightly, because obviously he couldn’t move. 

Ryuk let out a barking laugh. “Oh, that’s right. You’re a bit…tied up right now.”

Light felt his incisor sink into his cheek. “You shouldn’t be here.”

The boy cocked his head, his dark brown bangs falling over his eyes. “Why?” He questioned, cluelessly. “Everything has worked out, and now you’re free to take the Death Note.”

Light wildly shook his head, feeling anxiety bubble up in his chest. “No. No, I don’t want it. How many times do I have to repeat myself?”

“C’mon Light-o.” Ryuk growled, making Light sharply turn his head towards the demon. He fixed it with a harsh stare, not even caring that it was a grim reaper. “I chose YOU for the job, doesn’t that count for anything?”

“No.” Light bit out through gritted teeth. “Because I don’t want to be a murderer.”

“But wouldn’t you like to cleanse the world?” Ryuk pressed on, flying closer to the bed. Light made a move to scramble back but realized his bindings were prohibiting him. Just great. He’d have to sit here and take listening to this inane conversation. Maybe he should be thrown into a padded room. “You hate criminals, right? I know you don’t fully disagree with Kira. Wouldn’t it be fun to use the Death Note?”

“I never said that I condemned what Kira is doing.” Light hissed, sitting back on his pillow. “Whether Kira kills criminals or the death penalty does, it matters not to me. Because-“

“Well then what changed?” Yamamoto frowned. 

Light narrowed his eyes, feeling a fire ignite in his chest. His palms felt sweaty and his teeth were grinding together with such a passion he was surprised they didn’t just break. “What changed is that my life was ruined by Kira.”

Yamamoto’s eyes went as wide as saucers and he looked as if he had just been given the most complicated math problem to solve. “W-wha?” He stuttered, looking utterly lost. “How could you say that? Kira is justice!”

“God, I am so tired of everyone telling me that ‘justice’ justifies their shitty actions.” Light sneered, rolling his eyes. “You framed me, right? You must of.”

“That was only because L was getting too close!” Yamamoto defended. “He knew I was in the Kanto region, and before long he would’ve found out who my uncle was! My reign would’ve been over before it even started!”

“Why me?” Light demanded. “Why didn’t you pin it on some other criminal? Isn’t that what Kira does? Doesn’t Kira ruin the lives of criminals, people who deserve it? What did I ever do to you?”

“You aren’t understanding me!” Yamamoto shouted. He looked at Light pleadingly, taking a deep breath as his eyes fluttered shut. “I didn’t frame you out of maliciousness. YOU were the chosen one, not me! I had to keep the game going long enough for you to finally get over your inhibitions and want to join me. I thought that if you got close enough to L, you would realize how despicable the people trying to stop me, to stop KIRA, were!”

“And I needed you close to him, anyway.” Yamamoto explained, opening his eyes to shoot him a steely glare. “I needed you to find out his real name.”

Light felt the muscles inside of his jaw tense and he shook his head. He felt his heart sink into the whirlpool that was his stomach. No matter how much he hated L, he wouldn’t murder him. He couldn’t. “I don’t know his real name.” Light pointed out. “And besides, I’m the only one on the outside that knows he’s L. If he died, that would definitely make me Kira.” 

Honestly, how dumb was this kid?

“The Death Note doesn’t just cause heart attacks.” Yamamoto quirked an eyebrow and grinned. “You could write that he gets into an accident.”

“That’s still suspicious.” Light argued. “And L would never tell me his real name, anyway. He….doesn’t like me.” Yeah, that was a nice way to put it. L hated, hated, hated him. L used, and conned, and lied to him with every breath. L used him as a toy, a mere puppet to get what he wanted. He thought of Light as nothing better than dirt under his shoe. He thought that Light was a naive fool. He could feel a disgusted grimace made it’s way across his face. 

*At least L won’t get his victory, not this time.* He tried to placate himself. Oh, wouldn’t it be so funny when L realized just how wrong he had been? 

Light discreetly looked to the corner of the room. Nothing. But, he knew that there must be hidden camera’s in here. Hadn’t L ordered Watari to put some in this room? And Light knew L well enough, even when he wasn’t in the same room as Light he would always be watching. So now, he just had to get Kira to confess. He felt his heartbeat begin to jackhammer inside of his chest. 

“He doesn’t?” Yamamoto asked, sounding quite confused. “Ryuk told me that you two were…intimate.”

Light immediately twisted his head to glare at the shinigami. “Oops.” It chuckled, not sounding sorry in the slightest. It’s red eyes glowed mischievously. “Was that some kind of secret?”

“Well it’s certainly none of your business.” Light snapped, wishing he could fold his arms angrily. The nerve of this thing. Wasn’t it supposed to be some sort of god? Why on earth did it seem so hellbent on wreaking havoc upon his life? “And even if we were….it’s complicated.”

“Well, no matter. You have access to him, right?” Yamamoto questioned again, leaning slightly closer. “I need his name Light, I need it! L is the only thing that stands between our goals.”

“OUR goals?” Light repeated, feeling nausea curl up inside of his stomach. “I’m not Kira, and I never will be. You can do what you want, but I’m not playing this game. Do you see this?” He held his arm up and wiggled it wildly, wincing when more pain shot through his nerves. “I had to go through all of this trouble just to escape from the prison Kira forced me into! I never wanted any part of this, and my life was almost ruined!”

“But you could be the most powerful person in the world!” Yamamoto argued. “Wouldn’t you like to take some of your power back? All of this has been for you Light, to show you the powers of the Death Note! When Ryuk said you didn’t want it, I knew I could convince you. You think that the world would be better without all of the hate and crime, right? Well I did that, I started your mission for you! Can’t you see how powerful Kira has become?”

Light choked back a distasteful laugh. He didn’t exactly want to mock Kira. Because no matter how much Yamamoto ‘admired him’ Light was sure the kid would kill him in an instant if he was too obstinate. “My life was fine without your meddling.” Light hissed. “I already had everything I needed, and I’ve done fine by myself. I don’t need some magic notebook of death. If I want power, I take it.”

“But-“ Yamamoto started, but Light just turned away to lie on his side. His head was throbbing as much as his arm. 

“All of this was forced on me.” He whispered, miserably. “I could’ve been executed, do you realize that? L is extremely powerful, more than you think. And…he’s incredibly dangerous. If you thought you were helping me, you were sorely mistaken.”

“I was helping you.” Yamamoto protested uselessly. “When you tutored me, you genuinely helped me to pass algebra. You were always someone I wanted to impress, someone that could control the world. And I…when Ryuk came to me, I thought I could return the favor. I thought I could help you achieve greatness! I thought that if-“

“I know what you thought.” Light groaned, rolling over onto his back. “But it’s all over now.”

“Don’t say that.” Yamamoto hissed, shaking his head furiously. “No, because now that you know the plan-“

“L has cameras in here, do you know that?” Light whispered, fighting the urge to grin and chuckle maniacally. Adrenaline flowed through his veins furiously and he felt his heart crying with joy. Finally, there was verbal proof that Light had been set up. Finally, the culprit would be apprehended and he could be set free. Finally, L would see how wrong he had been. Light was an innocent man, and he would be able to go back to his life. He wouldn’t be executed for another's crimes. 

“What?” Yamamoto paled, taking a shaky step back towards the door. “What are you talking about?”

“L would never leave me alone, not even after a ‘suicide attempt’” Light rolled his eyes, and despite himself felt his lip curl up into a small smirk. “I know he’s been watching this whole conversation.”

“Shit!” He swore, before yanking the door open with such a force that it even made Light flinch. “Ryuk, let’s go!”

The shinigami cast one last look at Light before floating over to the door. Light felt a chill run through him as the shinigami passed. “I’ll see you soon, Light-o”

Luckily, the shinigami was already gone by the time Light held up that less than tasteful finger. But, he didn’t feel sadness or fear bubble up in his chest. No, he felt righteous vengeance. And it tasted sweeter than any of L’s diabetic pastries ever could. He could feel his lips stretch into a self-satisfied smile and nestled deeper into the pillows with a contented sigh. If his arms would’ve been free, he would’ve crossed them behind his head in leisure. Because it was all over now, wasn’t it?

Looking up at the ceiling, he let out a bark of laughter. “Go and find him.” He challenged the thin air. Because, he knew that L was watching him. Hopefully he was. Or that meant that Light was simplys ready to recline on his throne and laugh. 

talking to nothing like a madman. Oh well. Either way, Light was about to get his life back. And he couldn’t be happier about that fact.

It was judgment day for the wicked. And he wa

“So, you admit to being Kira?” L asked in a droll voice. He was currently sitting on the other side of the two-way glass in the interrogation room that Watari had set up underneath headquarters. His distorted voice crackled through the intercom making the boy on the other side jolt his head up in alarm.

Licking his lips, the boy looked around trying to find the source of the voice. L rolled his eyes, feeling the life drain out of him. THIS was definitely not the way he wanted to end the Kira case. This is absolutely boring. He’d almost rather watch cartoons instead of whatever this mess was. No blaze of glory, no fireworks, no kiss goodbye. Just some odd child with glasses that are too big for his face and rumpled dark brown hair. This is who was keeping the whole world hostage? L wanted to laugh. What a horribly unfunny joke. THIS is what he fought for? This is who Light bleed for?

He almost wanted to join him, in that barren white hospital. Maybe get a straightjacket as a souvenir. This case seems to have destroyed his brain, only leaving behind unimportant bits and loads of guilt inside of his empty skull. For the first time in five years, L wants a whiskey. Not just a polite glass of whiskey on the rocks, no. He wants the whole godforsaken bottle. Maybe some of that creamy white vodka. What’s it called? Baileys? Maybe Watari will be considerate and find some for him later.

“W-who’s there?” Kira stammers, and L resisted the urge to roll his eyes again. He doesn’t want them to fall out of his head after all.

“This is L.” No tricks, no lies, he states his name clearly. He doesn’t have it in him to play anymore games. He just wants this case to be wrapped up with a neat little bow so he can forget about everything. Wouldn’t that be nice? He hardly cares about Kira now, this is all just due process. 

“L?” The boy’s eyes go as wide as dinner plates. “Look, I don’t know anything about-“

“We have you on tape confessing to your crimes.” L interrupts, snippily. ‘I’m not Kira.’ Oh, doesn’t that just sound so familiar? Except it actually is fake this time. Light was telling the truth. He feels like he’s just been pulled off of a too fast merry-go-round. 

“Go on and confess.” He continues, biting down on the empty lollipop stick still placed in his mouth. “Maybe I’ll be lenient with you.”

“You’ll never prove it was me.” Kira says smugly, and L wants to run in and shake him. Did he not just hear the comment about cameras?

“Those cameras were placed illegally I bet.” Kira continues, and L grits his teeth. Well, of course they were. 

“They actually were not.” Is what he chooses to say. "Light Yagami is a suspect in this case and therefore all of his movements have to be monitored twenty four seven.”

“Still, I could have been manipulated by the real Kira to say those things.” Kira defends, and L simply sighs. 

“The why can I see the shinigami beside you?” He shoots back. He can’t, but the way Kira looks around wildly is confirmation enough. 

“How can you see Ryuk?” He demands, and L quirks an eyebrow. Why do all of these demons have names that begin with ‘R’?

“I couldn’t, until you pointed him out.” L snaps the lollipop stick between his teeth, suppressing a chuckle. “So, his name is Ryuk? How did you and Ryuk come to know each other?”

“I could have Ryuk kill you, you know.” The boy challenges. 

“This is all being recorded.” And yes, it is. “So if ‘Ryuk’ does kill me, all it will be is more dirt dug from your grave. Oh, and I’ve now got a threat on camera as well. Lovely.” He sounds out the ‘y’ through his teeth, pressing his tongue sharply against the roof of his mouth. Kira pales. 

“So,” L started again. “Tell me, is it true you framed Light Yagami?”

“I merely set the stage for him.” Kira spits. “He’s the chosen one, you know. He’s going to be our Kami.”

“Mhmm.” L breathes out, feeling the ghost of a laugh leave his lips. “I’m not quite interested in fantastical tales. No, I’d prefer straight-forward and logical answers. So, I’m going to take your obnoxious commentary as a yes. Why did you frame him? Or set up this metaphorical stage?”

“I was told to.” Kira looks like he wants to cross his arms, but they are bound to the table in front of him. So he simply fidgets uncomfortably. “Ryuk offered it to Light first. But Light wasn’t ready, he didn’t understand the power of the Death Note.”

“And Misa Amane?” L doesn’t even bother to respond to that, he just wants answers that will result in a conviction. “Did you work with her?”

“Misa was already known as the second Kira, and I couldn’t have her attached to me.” Kira shook his head. “No, I needed Light to get closer to you. I needed the evidence to pile up against him, and Misa was just another nail in the coffin. Plus, she thought he was cute and wanted to date him. She knew he was the true Kira.”

“But Light has never used the Death Note, correct?”

“He hasn’t had the opportunity yet.” Kira sniffs, and L just feels more annoyance seep into his bones.

“So that’s a no.” He states shortly, leaning back into his chair. So, he was wrong. Perfect. Poor Light. Should he actually send him a card? Or is Light more of a fruit basket kind of person?

L muses over these darkly amusing thoughts before once again breathing a huff of annoyed air out through his nose. No, he’ll have to go and apologize. Maybe grovel. He’d rather eat some boiled cauliflower, but he knows it’s the right thing to do. Should he do the right thing for once? His heart is telling him yes. He feels as if he is sitting on pins and needles. 

“How were you able to do it?” L asks, feeling his mind racing. “How were you able to pin this all on Light Yagami? How did you manage to fool even me?”

“Hm, so the great L can be fooled.” Kira snickered, leaning back into his chair. 

“Answer the question please.” L snapped. “Otherwise, we’ll have to resort to getting your confession another way. Believe it or not, this is tame compared to my usual interrogations.”

“He was the smartest person in all of Japan.” Kira shrugged. “It wasn’t that hard. I lived right near him, after all. You actually were so close to the real Kira. Heh, imagine. One day, I saw that agent following him. I assumed it was some kind of stalker, so I asked Misa to follow him and look at his name. I looked up ‘Raye Penber’ and found out he was an FBI agent. That’s when I realized you were ACTUALLY considering Light. So, I killed him. I knew that would make Light that much more suspicious.”

“And how did Misa find his name?” L pressed. He still didn’t know what Misa’s role in this, and he still didn’t know how she could kill without needing a name. Rem was tightlipped about the whole thing, and Misa of course wouldn’t be helpful at all.

“She has the shinigami eyes.” Kira sighed, closing his eyes. “When you have those…you can see a person’s name simply by looking at them.”

“Really.” L murmured, not truly wanting to believe in such a thing. But, why would Kira lie about this? L already knew shinigami existed. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility that they could gift supernatural powers to humans as well. L shivered, it was exactly like the forbidden fruit. Having eyes that could see anyone’s name? It was a gift and a curse. It was the ultimate power, in a way. If one knew how to use it. L felt a shiver run through his body and had the strangest desire to visit a church. 

He would have to make sure that Misa did not still possess these ‘eyes.’ 

“And how were you getting classified documents from the NPA?” L questioned. “Don’t deny it, you’re either a fantastic hacker or connected to someone.”

“It’s Shuichi Aizawa.” Kira grumbled. “He’s my uncle, okay? I’ve told you everything I know. Can I leave now?”

L couldn’t help it, he bashed his fists against the table angrily. The loud noise was carried across the microphone and made Kira flinch. How had he not conducted background checks on ALL of the Task Force members? How had he let this slip? He had wasted resources on Yagami-san’s and Kitamura-san’s families, when Aizawa was sitting right there next to him! How had he not known the man had had a nephew. And more importantly, how had he not investigated everyone thoroughly? No, this was a mistake. This was not like L. He didn’t make screw-ups.

How had he been so derailed by Light? He felt a sour taste well up in the back of his throat, so he grabbed another cherry lollipop.

“Leave? I’m sorry, I don’t think you understand what this is.” L chuckled darkly, sticking the sweet inside of his mouth. He grimaced, it tasted sour. “I have your confession on camera. I know who you are, Kira. You are a heinous mass murderer, an extremely dangerous criminal. Because that’s all you are, is a criminal.” 

"How could you do it?” He spit out, before he could help himself. But the dam had been broken and his thoughts tumbled out in waves. “How could you frame an innocent civilian. How could you do that to him? Huh? Do you have ANY idea what he’s endured because of you? You sick, depraved little-“

Suddenly, and hand slammed down on the mute button. “L?” Watari snapped. “This is hardly professional.”

L’s coal black eyes shot a glare at his handler, but he nodded. “My apologies.”

“You can’t keep me here.” Kira spit, making L look back through the glass. Oh, he was still talking? “I’ll forfeit ownership of the Death Note, and then my memories will be completely erased! Do you hear that? How can you convict me for crimes I don’t even remember committing?”

“I can and I will.” L pressed another button, cupping his face with his hand lazily. *Wow, my hands are cold.*

“Then….” Kira’s eyes widened, and his face split into an almost chelsea smile. “I’ll-I’ll be a martyr! Kira is too powerful now, no one can stop his message! No one can stop the creation of a New World? Do you hear that L? Light Yagami will not be defeated-“

L stood up, stretching his arms towards the ceiling and cracking his neck painfully. The snapping sound of built up tension in the joints soothed him. His messy black bangs fell into his eyes as he reached over to grab his bag of sweets. “Watari? I’m done here, see if you can get anymore useful information out of him.”

He walked leisurely to the door, grateful that his gait couldn’t portray his inner turmoil. He didn’t know how to fix it, the feelings ran amuck inside of his mind. It felt as if a black hole had been opened up in his soul and was slowly sucking his essence into nothingness. His chest had been heavy and tight ever seen he had found Light on that floor. No, that was wrong. He had been feeling this way for a long time. It was an ugly feeling, one that he wished he could push back down into the depths of his mind. But it was no use. It plagued him like leprosy, and he needed to find a cure.

He had to do some serious damage control. He needed to find Light, and he needed to learn how to apologize. With sincerity. He had to have a frank conversation with the brunette. Whether that would lead to more suffering or not, only time would tell. 

“Ryuzaki, you’ve caught the first Kira now.” Matsuda pointed out as soon as he walked into the main room. L groned internal, couldn’t he go five minutes without someone attempting to engage him in conversation? And Matsuda’s cheery voice grated his already frayed nerves. “So Light-kun isn’t under suspicion anymore, right?”

“No.” L grumbled, sitting himself into his chair. He didn’t even bother with his usual crouching position, he just slouched in the chair and swung it from side to side angrily. “All thanks to your nephew, Aizawa-san.”

“Ryuzaki, you can’t even imagine how horrified I am.” Aizawa responded, though he sounded more indignant then apologetic. L shoved another lollipop into his mouth, making it bump against his teeth harshly. “I never would’ve imagined…I-I mean there were no signs! Just to thing, my own flesh and blood-“

“It’s okay Aizawa.” Matusda attempted to soothe the other cop. “He was only your nephew, after all. It wasn’t like he was your son-“

“That doesn’t make it better Matsuda!” Aizawa shouted, and L heard the flutter of papers being cast down to the floor. “This rotten fruit has come from my very own family tree. Can you even imagine how embarrassing this is? No, no you can’t! Oh God, the next family reunion is going to be awful! My mother…dear Lord I don’t even know how she’s going to deal with this.”

“At least Kira’s behind bars now.” Matsuda offered, quietly. “Though that probably means crime is going to skyrocket again-“

L suddenly turned his chair around to glare at Matsuda, and he watched the rookie wither under his stare. “Not this again Matsuda.” L grumbled. “You sound like a Kira supporter.”

“I don’t support Kira!” Matsuda defended, looking like he wanted to stomp his foot. “Especially after what he put Light-kun through-“

“Yes, well.” L interrupted stiffly. “Light didn’t have to take a glass shard to his forearm, so Kira can hardly be blamed for that.”

L felt his ears burn as the scandalized looks of the task force suddenly turned onto him. Gulping discreetly, he swiftly turned back to glare at his blank monitor. 

*That certainly wasn’t the most tactful thing to say.* He chastised himself. No, he just didn’t want to hear about Light. He didn’t need it hammered into him even more that Light was a victim. He understood that all too well. He didn’t want to think about the bloody brunette and his sweet, teary filled eyes. He didn’t want to envision him in that hospital. He didn’t want to imagine what his next words to Light would be. Or what Light would say to him. He didn’t need anymore emptiness to fill him. He was at his limit, and felt that if he was pushed any further that he would simply disintegrate from all of this internal torment. 

He knew that he didn’t have a right to feel upset, these were his actions after all. He had willingly hurt Light, and he couldn’t expect to find solace. But he couldn’t help it, especially after realizing his own complicated feelings for the brunette. That just increased the flurry of feelings tenfold, making him feel as if he was trapped in a never ending snowstorm of regret. It was an odd feeling, one he had not felt for many years. 

He just wished that he wouldn’t have gotten close to Light, he should’ve kept him in confinement until the captured the real Kira. Or, at least, he shouldn’t have interfered with his emotions. He should’ve kept their relationship professional. But since he hadn't he now had the privilege of hating himself. Maybe he should start believing in fortune tellers, lest he ever make a mistake like this again. If only he had the power to see into the future. 

And, of course the Task Force was going to dote on the poor brunette. And even though they wouldn’t explicitly say that they blamed him, he knew what they were all thinking.

The silence was crushing, so L bit down on his lollipop to simply hear something. The sound echoed around the room.

“But yes, framing Light was abhorrent.” L commented, just to make it seem as if he wasn’t completely heartless. “After everything he did, I’m tempted to go down there and shoot him myself.”

“Me too!” Matsuda proclaimed heartily. “But…wouldn’t that make us the same as Kira? Oh gosh, that’s pretty immoral.”

“I’ll tell you what’s immoral.” Aizawa grumbled. “Handcuffing an innocent child to oneself. Why did Light feel the need to kill himself, Ryuzaki? What aren’t you telling us?”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” L snapped, biting down on the lollipop stick so hard that he felt it snap inside of his mouth. The usual monotone had left his voice and he felt the fire that was burning in his belly seep out into his words. “I thought that the DNA that is connected to Kira had something to say. He who throws the first stone, Aizawa.”

“Aizawa isn’t religious, he’s not going to know what that story means.” Matsuda interjected. 

“I’m just say what we’re all thinking!” Aizawa exclaimed. “I never would’ve thought that Light would be the suicidal type! So what happened to make him that way?”

“Who can say?” L grit his teeth together, resisting the urge to bash Aizawa over the head with something sharp. “The teenage mind is a very fragile thing.”

How dare Aizawa? Acting as if L had something to be ashamed over!

*But you do.” His obnoxious conscience reminded him, making L want to ingest rocks. 

“You’re just glad I’m not the chief.” Aizawa spat. “If you had done that to one of my children-“

“And just what exactly are you accusing me of, Aizawa-san?” L shot back. “I didn’t lay a hand Light-kun. I didn’t hold that glass shard to his arm nor force him to slit his wrists. That was Light-kun’s decision.”

“Well, did you threaten him?” Matsuda asked quietly, making L involuntarily clench his fists and almost bang his head against the table. Of everyone in this room, the last person he wanted to point out his moral grayness was Matsuda.”He seemed awful upset...”

“I did not threaten him.” L responded lowly. He tried to ignore the mocking laughter inside of his head and instead texted Watari to bring him some strawberry shortcake. 

“Did you hurt him then?” Aizawa demanded, making L see stars. He gripped onto the desk in front of him so that he wouldn’t turn on the other man and knock him senseless. “I don’t like being in the dark about this, Ryuzaki. If something….unethical happened, we have the right to know dammit!”

“Oh, you do?” L resisted the urge to chuckle darkly, and felt his lip curl into a snarl. “Where was all of this care when I first brought Light-kun in to be handcuffed to me? Everyone in this room was fine with that, at least they were indifferent enough not to raise any objections. But the moment that something happens that could threaten your livelihood, then that’s when you start caring about my methods? Don’t kid yourself, Aizawa. You don’t care about Light-kun.”

“What I know is that a young man left for the hospital today with near fatal wounds.” Aizawa responded lowly. “And I know that Light-kun wouldn’t do something like that, not without good reason. So what I’m asking-“

“What you are asking, no more like demanding, is none of you business!” L finally threw his hands up, and hastily stood up from his chair to glare at the other detective. It was like a standoff, both parties looked positively homicidal. “Light-kun confided in me…about his troubled mental state. I suppose I should’ve done something, and that is on me.” L lied.

Well, he couldn’t exactly tell the Task Force the truth now, could he? He couldn’t say that he had started an inappropriate intimate relationship and then used his suspect. No, L would be thrown in jail faster than he could say ‘chocolate!’ Or, at least, the pants would be sued off of him. This was one of those lies that didn’t exactly hurt anyone, and the Task Force didn’t need to hear lewd details about his and Light’s relationship. Why would that matter now?

“I will apologize to Light-kun and offer him compensation.” L grumbled, snatching his lollipop bag off of the desk and making his way towards the stairs. “Do not make me out to be something I’m not, Aizawa-san. You know nothing of mine and Light’s relationship. He is my friend, and I can guarantee you that this turn of events has distressed me more than it has you.”

“Light-kun’s my friend!” Matsuda shouted, most unhelpfully. “I care about him too!”

“Well, Light’s my best friend so there!” L snapped back, cringing at how childish he sounded. He couldn’t help he, he couldn’t take the fact that the Task Force was blaming him. Because, yes that was their right. But it still stung, and he felt exposed. 

“What, did you two make friendship bracelets?” Mogi snickered, but quickly sobered after L turned his fiery glare onto him.

“You have a funny way of caring about your friends.” Aizawa snapped. “You won’t even let his girlfriend see him!”

“Well, I have it on good authority that Light doesn’t like Misa-san.” L crossed his arms, and nearly stuck out his tongue. “And Misa doesn’t need to visit Light in a psych ward to know if he is okay or not. Obviously, Light wouldn’t want anyone but his family to see him in that state, so I was being considerate. I’m the only one here who cares about Light’s wellbeing, you bloody fools.”

“Ha!” Aizawa snorted loudly.

“Actually…I let Misa out to go see him.” Matsuda whispered, and L felt his muscles tense up. “Sorry!” The rookie quickly defended, before L could unleash his wrath upon him. “She was crying! I was trying to be a gentleman.”

“A gentleman? If you want to bang Misa-san, just say so.” L griped. He watched in amusement as Matsuda suddenly turned bright red and started stuttering.

“That’s n-not…that’s not it at all…I-I just.” Matsuda started flailing his arms around wildly. “Screw you Ryuzaki, you can be nice to someone without wanting to ban-be intimate with them!”

“My experience has told me otherwise.” L sneered. “Matsuda, you’re an idiot. You’re lucky that the Task Force is disbanding else I would have fired you for letting a suspect go free without my permission." 

“But she’s surely not a suspect anymore, right?” Matsuda protested, staring at L pleadingly. L blinked, slowly.

“No.” He stated, in case Rem was eavesdropping somewhere. “I’m going to bed now.”

“That’s a lie.” Aizawa snarked. “You never sleep.”

“Then, maybe I’m going to start Mr. I-have-a-perm-even-though-it’s-2007.”

“Fuck you.” Aizawa hissed. “My wife thinks I’m sexy for your information! And who are you to speak about appearances Ryuzaki? Just a helpful hint, this is work not a zombie movie!”

“Your wife must be blind then, or some kind of sexually repressed mormon who jumped on the very first man to show her interest.” L shot back, the words slipping from his mouth without his consent. He couldn’t help it, Aizawa was acting like a bloody douchebag and he had the right to defend himself.

“And I’ll have you know, my appearance has gotten me more action than you could ever dream of having. Many find my looks quite enticing, something a man like you would never be able to appreciate.” L added, feeling a bitter taste on his tongue. “Let this be a lesson for you Aizawa, never judge a book by it’s cover. Judge it by it’s pants. As long as you know how to use your god-given manhood, looks are completely irrelevant. And I’ve always gotten very good feedback, something you must be severely lacking if your attitude is any indicator.” 

“Why-why you-” Aiwa’s mouth looked as if it was ready to touch the ground, and his eyes were filled with fury. “You are so unprofessional L! Where do you get off?”

*Inside of Light, every night until now.* L shot back, internally of course.

“I get off by being the three greatest detectives in the world.” Is what he instead decided to tell Aizawa. “Goodnight.”

“Damn, he kind of got you Aizawa.” Matsuda muttered. “Maybe that’s why Light decided to get out of here, he was tired of Ryuzaki’s sour attitude."

“Matsuda be quiet.” L hissed at the top of the stairs, feeling leftover fury shooting at Matsuda. “Your voice has been the most unpleasant thing about this case. Not all of the murders, not Misa’s whining, and not Light nearly killing himself. You are the most dim-witted person I have ever met, and I’ve met with scientologists. I would suggest you get a job working at an ice cream store, or a doggie daycare! At every turn you’ve managed to infuriate me, and if that was a skill at all relevant to this case, you would be the most valuable cop in existence. But no, instead you’ve made me question if there is a God or not, and if there is why on earth would he decide to have a being such like yourself come into existence. You idiot, never speak to me again. I contemplate death every time you attempt to engage me conversation."

“Hey!” Matsuda yelped. “What does that even mean? You’re so rude Ryuzaki!”

“Hm yes, and the sky is blue.” L sniffed. Was taking his anger out on the Task Force members unwarranted and cruel? Probably.

But it distracted him from his guilt, so. 

“Oh Jesus, is he gonna cuss me out next.” Mogi murmured lowly, probably hoping that L wouldn’t overhear. Unfortunately, he did.

“Did you say something Mogi-san?” L called, not pausing his ascension up the stairs. “I’m sorry, most of the time I forget you are in the room at all. Your existence has less importance than a beetle's does to me. If you ever decided to become a murderer, you would become quite successful seeing as no one ever notices you. Why, you could come up to me with a knife and I wouldn’t even register you were there until the cold metal slid into my chest."

“Gee whiz!” Matsuda yelled angrily. “You’re out of line L.”

“He’s just mad because his ‘best fwiend’ almost died.” Mogi snarled behind him, and L felt himself shrug his shoulders. 

“Light was the one Task Force member I didn’t utterly despise. I like Light.” He called, reaching the top of the stairs. “Which is ironic, because I suspected him to be a mass murderer.”

And that was the only true statement that L had uttered tonight.


	14. Sticks And Stones Can Break My Bones, And Your Words Do Hurt me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...a kind of apology? But not really? L and emotions don't mix very well. Light has decided not to care about anything L says, and doesn't want to deal with his emotions either. Yikes. Light's more concerned with how his ego has been bruised at the moment to think about any kind of heartbreak:( And Sachiko is the only sane one here, as always. I stan her, she's the main character. Ah but is this the only apology? Can it possibly get any more tear-jerking? I guess we'll just have to wait for the next chapter...
> 
> Thank you as always for all of your kick-ass comments and reviews. They truly are the only things spurring this story along:)
> 
> P.S. Did anyone catch the devilman crybaby reference? 
> 
> P.P.S. Would anyone care if I changed the title of my fic? Not saying that I will, but I have other titles in mind;)

“Sweetie, are you sure there’s not something I can get you? Some ice chips?”

Light sighed, and leaned back onto his pillow. He desperately wanted to scratch at an itch on his head, but he was still retrained like some kind of violent mutt who was about to be put down. “What I’d really like is for these retrains to come off.”

“Honey, you know that can’t happen. They’re afraid…we’re afraid…that you’ll try-“

His mother cut herself off by placing a shaking hand to her mouth and she closed her eyes, swaying her head slightly. Light felt guilt rise in him, tearing apart at the seams of his soul.

“Mama.” He whispered, as gently as he could muster. “I’m not suicidal.”

She nodded, but didn’t look at him.

“I had to escape. The hospital was the only way I could get away from L…him.”

“Who is this L?” Sachiko snapped angrily, and Light could see her face begin to flush. “I’d love to rip him a new one, and then send HIM off to an executioner. I think we should sue.”

“I appreciate the sentiment mom, but don’t bother.” Light sighed, shifting uncomfortably. The skin on his forehead felt as if thousands of tiny maggots were squirming and clawing their repulsive bodies into his muscles. “He’s too powerful to be touched.”

“Well, he clearly hasn’t met me.” Sachiko hissed. Light let out a small laugh.

“L does whatever he wants, because that’s who he is.” Light shook his loose bangs out of his eyes, sighing forlornly. “It’s fine mom.”

And it was fine. Because he had learned. And nothing could ever hurt him again, he had dealt with all of the hurt life had to offer him and it had shaped him. He would never see L again, and he would never love another again. He wouldn’t love L, or at least he wouldn’t acknowledge said love. Light genuinely felt nothing but a cold apathy, because it was better that way. It chilled him from the inside out. He was smart enough to trump his emotions, yes he was. Emotions were sticky little bastards gumming up his way of life, and that would never do. Light had indulged in the fantasy of happiness, but it hadn’t of worked so here he was.

Sniveling and weeping wouldn’t solve anything, it was done. It would only make him appear weak, which would never do. He fully understood the game, and he knew who L was. And he knew who he was. 

“I just can’t believe your father would work with someone like that!” She grumbled.

“He didn’t realize how much it would affect me.” Light reminded her gently, he had heard his parents fighting outside of his room just last night. “What else was he meant to do? I had to prove my innocence, one way or the other.”

“This wasn’t the way.” Sachiko shook her head. “When I got that phone call…..I-I genuinely thought you were going to die. I’ve never felt so terrified in my life, and to think that I couldn’t be there for you-“

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered.

“It was my duty to protect you, and I failed.” 

“No.” Light shook his head, feeling his heart grow tight. “No absolutely not. Mama, listen to me. I’m fine, okay? My arm hurts and I’m very annoyed at the fact that I have to sit in this bed like a subdued lunatic, but I’m fine. The worst is over, and I dealt with it. I could’ve asked you for help at any time but I didn’t. Please mom I….I couldn’t bear it if you blamed yourself.”

“I just wish I could’ve known.” She sighed. “What happened Light? Why did you have to escape? What did he do to you?”

*All of these questions.* Light inwardly groaned. He knew that his mother’s curiosity did not come from a place of maliciousness or spite, but it still unsettled him. Because he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to explain anything, because it would unleash a can of tangled worms. And there was no use trying to untangle them and explain everything, because that would make it worse. If he dwelled on what had happened, he would cry. And Light Yagami didn’t cry.

“I actually am kind of hungry.” He offered after a few minutes of silence, dismissing her unanswered questions.

Fortunately, they seemed to be forgotten about. At lest for now, his hunger was the more pressing matter after all.Sachiko nodded her head, and started towards the door. “Okay, I’ll go and get you something honey. Would you like anything in particular?”

Light shrugged, food had been tasteless since he woke up in this dreary place. “Whatever looks good.”

“I’ll be right back okay?” His mother smiled softly, drawing one from Light in return. He knew what his mother meant. He knew that she was terrified that if she ever left him again, he would die. 

He groaned softly after the door had shut, and let his head hit the pillow with a rather theatric thump. The air around him smelt stale and the constant beeping of a heart monitor made him want to claw his ears out. Light had always disliked hospitals, but his hatred increased tenfold after being trapped inside of one. Everything smelled like antiseptic and the nurses kept trying to shove tapioca pudding down his throat. Why tapioca? Why not chocolate? Light hated the little bumps and had refused to eat anymore of the pudding, so they just brought him jello instead. Which retained the texture of some squishy organ but whatever. 

*Now how am I supposed to escape from the hospital?* He thought, angrily. Because of course he couldn’t hurt himself again. That get out of jail free card had already expired. And no matter what he said or did, everyone was convinced he was going to take his life. No matter how many times Light said that he wasn’t suicidal or that he was just trying to get away from L, it didn’t make any difference. Even his puppy dog eyes couldn’t convince the nurses to let him out of these restraints. What a joke. 

He didn’t even know how long he was expected to stay inside of this horrible establishment. One nurse had said seventy-two hours, but then suggested that he’d need further ‘treatment.’ Whatever that was, Light wasn’t interested. If he could simply get back to college and sleep in his own bed again, everything would be fine. No one would have to treat him as if he were made of glass, and no one would have to come into the bathroom with him while he pissed. Hospitals were for dying people an, as Light had established many times, HE was not dying! For being mental health professionals, the doctors around here were quite thick. 

*From the frying pan into the fire, huh?* He mused, grimly. *This is all L’s fault. If he wasn’t such a bastard I’d demand that he get me out of here. But no, I’ll have to clean up this mess myself.* Perhaps if he told them what they wanted to hear? Something like ‘yes I was depressed but I think my recovery should start with me going back to school and getting back into real life I think that would be quite beneficial for my mental state.’ Yes, if he worded it in a way that would help his supposed ‘unwell mind’ maybe they would be more inclined to give him freedom. Maybe if he agreed to weekly therapy sessions…..He made a face considering this. Light Yagami didn’t want to have to go to a shrink, how embarrassing. But if that was the price to pay for freedom…

This was a lot of work. L had created so much trouble for him. 

“Did you forget something Mama?” Light called out from behind closed eyes as he heard the door open. It wasn’t nearly long enough for his mother to have walked down to the cafeteria and back. The door closed again and the room fell silent but Light could sense the presence of another. Was it another nurse? Hadn’t they just checked his vitals or medicine or whatever the shit? He shuddered, he hoped they weren’t going to offer to give him another sponge bath. 

Well, this new person was suspiciously quite so Light peeked out of one of his closed eyes. And he wished that he hadn’t, for all of a sudden he felt nauseous again.

It was L. The raven-haired sadist stood next to the door with his hands in his pockets. He was hunched over and looked like how Light imagined the witch from Hansel and Gretel looked before she gobbled the children up. His abyssal, cold black eyes stared at him blankly, and Light had the urge to slam a door in his face but of course he was handcuffed to a bed that wasn’t anywhere near a door. How dare L come inside of this sanctuary? This hospital room was supposed to be safe from that brute!

“What are you doing here?” Light demanded, sitting up so as to make himself appear bigger and more intimidating. His heart was pounding loudly, and he realized he shouldn’t of sat up so fast because his head suddenly felt weightless and he saw stars. Blinking rapidly, he settled back down onto the bed, but still kept his glare present. L didn’t look fazed, his dull eyes roamed over Light slowly making him shiver. 

“This isn’t a zoo.” Light snapped, annoyed at how L was studying him. L shouldn’t be here. “I’m not some monkey in a cage you can throw peanuts at so, if you don’t mind I’d like you to leave.”

“How are you feeling?” L finally spoke, lifting a thumb to his mouth. Light tried not to gape.

“Peachy.” He grumbled. “Can you leave?”

“Light I-“ L stepped forward, making Light pale.

“Can you please leave?” He interrupted, grinding his teeth together. “The only reason I’m here was to get away from you, you know.”

L stopped as if he had just been shot, and looked at Light with wide eyes. He looked like a child who had just been told their favorite stuffed animal had been destroyed in a washing machine. Light would’ve felt bad if anyone else gave him that look.

“I know.” He whispered.

“…Did you get him?” Light finally questioned, deciding he might as well try and get some information while the detective was interrupting his peaceful serenity. “Kira, he confessed to me. But you already know that, right? Because you have camera’s in here, don’t you?”

“We got his confession on tape.” L nodded. “He’s currently in custody.”

“Good.” Light nodded. 

Silence filled the empty space and Light swallowed thickly when he realized what L was doing here. 

“Oh, but I’m sure that wasn’t good enough, right? Because I have to be Kira, and no matter what even the real Kira says, I can’t possibly be innocent.” Light seethed. He was glad he was restrained because if not he would’ve jumped L. He would’ve jumped on him and hit the detective fiercely. He would’ve done it over and over and over again. He would’ve hit him until his own arm became battered and bruised. He would’ve hit him until he was only slapping around bloody remains. 

“So now you’ve come to take me back.” He glowered, feeling his lips be pulled into a sneer. “What’s it going to be this time? Just confinement or are you going to add in some waterboarding?”

“No, Light I’m not here to take you back.”

“You won’t be able to take me back anyway, you fiend. Because they won’t let me out of this bed and I’m not going back no matter what you do or say and-wait, what?” Light felt his ravings die in his throat at the unexpected development. What? Had L been body snatched?

He felt like he had just been socked in the throat. “…What do you mean?” He asked carefully, narrowing his eyes. “What game are you playing now?”

“I’m not playing anymore games Light, I’m done doing that.” L shook his head, and Light felt a bitter laugh rise up inside of his throat.

“Oh, I’m sure.” He bit out sardonically. “So you aren’t taking me back…why? Have you scheduled for me to have some kind of lobotomy in here? Are you throwing me into a padded room or is someone waiting to inject me with poison?”

“No!” L exclaimed, holding his hands up as if he was the one who needed to shield himself from an attack. “I came here to apologize, that’s all.”

Okay well, that certainly wasn’t the truth. L would rather be shipped off to a gulag or fed to wolves than apologize to anyone, much less him. The pressure behind his eyes increased and he had no choice but to lay down. Everything felt backwards, had he somehow teleported to some new universe? “I think the meds they’re giving me are making me hallucinate.” Light mumbled sourly. “Because I thought that I just heard you say you want to apologize.”

“I do.”

“Ha!” Light wheezed out. “I’m sure. Is this apology intended to make me feel guilty about nearly dying? Because I won’t apologize for that.”

“Light, please-“ L sighed, but once again Light didn’t want to hear him finish that sentence.

“No, no it’s fine I’m sure I can imagine your tear-jerking, totally heartfelt apology.” He laughed, staring up at the blank cream ceiling. It reminded him of purgatory, maybe that’s where he was. He certainly felt nothingness lingering all around him. 

“‘I’m sorry Light, I’m sorry that you are such a manipulative, weak, stupid bastard who tried to kill himself and I’m totally sorry for myself because this has caused huge problems for me and I’m sorry that you hate me because I would very much still like to use you as a glorified flesh light.’……How’s that?” Light mocked L’s apathetic tone and felt his eyelids grow heavy, he imagined his eyes mimicked L’s dead ones. 

“That wasn’t what I was going to say at all.” L snapped. Light rolled his eyes. 

“I don’t need any apology from you.”

“But I need to apologize to you, you deserve it.” L told him.

“I don’t need an apology from you.” Light repeated, feeling his head pound. “You’re only doing this because you don’t want me to cause any problems, right? You think that if you say sorry than I won’t go crying to my daddy and the police. You think that if you placate me and manipulate me in just the right way then you won’t have to worry about any legal problems, is that it?”

“Light, I’m not doing this to hurt you!” L exclaimed.

“Oh, sure.” Light bit his lip, feeling white-hot rage course through his veins. “So this about your conscience then. Did you suddenly grow one? You want to apologize to me because then you don’t have to deal with the guilt over what you’ve done. You want to apologize to me because then that makes everything okay for you, right?” He chuckled darkly, swaying his head back and forth. “I hate to break it to you, but I’m not interested in helping you find redemption. Hollow words aren’t going to change what you’ve done.”

“I know that.” L sighed, looking down at the floor miserably. “I just…I feel like this is something I need to do. I-I hurt you, and it was unjust. It was wrong, okay? And I know nothing I could say would make it better, but it feels wrong to leave everything like this.”

“There’s nothing you can say.” Light shrugged limply. “Just go. I’m fine.”

L eyed him as if he was a cobra waiting to strike. “I know you’re not fine Light, I hurt you.”

“You don’t have that power over me.” Light hissed. “So you lied to me. Big whoop. I don’t need a sympathy card or a get well soon cake. We’re adults and hey, all’s fair in love and war eh?”

“Don’t do that.” L shook his head. “Don’t minimize my actions.”

“Please, I’m not.” Light sniffed. “But I’m not some damsel in distress that you need to save with a ‘sorry’. I’m a big boy who’s dealing with a breakup. Actually, not even a break up since we were never technically together so…yeah, it’s fine.”

“But, It’s not fine.” L lolled his head around, and Light thought that he might simply snap his neck. “You and I both know that.”

“Okay, well then it’s not fine.” Light sighed. “I feel sick.”

“Nauseous?” L questioned, and Light nodded.

“Do you need a nurse? Or a pail?”

“No, I need you to leave.” Light groaned. “Talking to you makes me want to expel all of this nasty red jello I’ve been forced to ingest.”

“You’re so dramatic.” L rolled his eyes. “Seriously Light, why didn’t you become an actor?”

“Seriously L, why won’t you just leave?” Light mocked back. “And talking about my acting abilities, oh that’s rich. Have you won an oscar yet for your mass deception and brilliant fibs? You could act circles around fucking cult leaders.”

“You’re a really hard person to apologize to.” L remarked, and Light could see the fires of hell burning behind his eyes.

“Good, because I don’t want or need an apology. Of course, when I’m around you I guess what I want doesn’t matter.” Light snarked. “Good on you, at least you’re consistent in your torment of me.”

“You’re acting like SUCH a child right now.” L shouted, and Light felt his eyes widen.

“Me? Maybe look in the mirror.” He shouted right back. “Who on earth decides to further antagonize someone who has just had to wound themselves to get AWAY from that person? What part of this situation made you think that it would be appropriate to come see me?”

“I don’t care what you say, I need to apologize.” L said desperately. “i need to make this up to you, somehow.”

“You don’t, you bothersome egg.”

“'Bothersome egg’?” L repeated, his mouth hanging open. “Where in the hell did that insult come from?”

“I’m sorry, would you rather me call you a bastard instead? Or maybe I should just skip all of the pleasantries and call you by your given name, the antichrist.”

“Oh yes, yes! Someone upset and outsmarted Light so obviously they must be Satan incarnate. Tell me, are my horns showing?”

“No, but your tail is. And you didn’t outsmart me. Maybe you did for a bit, but you underestimate me. I’m not some naive pet you can lead around on a leash to do your bidding, you condensing dick. You’re such a dick, you know that? A big, veiny, obnoxious dick. Actually, that’s a point towards your ego. You’re a small, flaccid penis.”

“Ooooh hitting me where it hurts.” L rolled his eyes, and crossed his arms defiantly. “I never heard any complaints from you in the past.”

“Oh, my mistake I was trying to be polite.” Light spit out. “But since we’re telling the truth, sometimes I couldn’t even tell if we were having sex or not. Could you ever tell how close I was to falling asleep from boredom?"

“Asshole.” L blurted out angrily, making Light see red.

“I’M an asshole? Bitch.”

“Tosser.”

“Shithead.”

“Dickbreath”

“Chikushou.”

“Fucking twat.”

“Your British insults don’t faze me, you annoying little shit.”

“Little? I’m older than you!”

“You don’t act like it.”

“Well at least I’ve never acted like a lovestruck fool!”

The insult on Light’s tongue died, and was shoved back down his throat. He could feel his eyes burning, and narrowed them into tiny slits. L just had to rub salt into the wound, didn’t he? And the worst part was, was that it was more than an insult. It was the truth and Light would’ve rather been called another expletive. “Right. You know L, your apologies really suck.” 

“FUCK! I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” L ran a hand through his dark strands and sighed loudly.

“….Yeah you did.”

“It’s not true, at any rate. I don’t know why I said it.”

“Whatever. Are you done?”

“No! I-I still haven’t said what I want to say.”

"I’m not interested.”

“I’m not very good at…apologizing.” L forced out, closing his eyes tightly as if he wished this whole conversation was just simply a nightmare. 

“Really? I couldn’t tell.” Light muttered dryly. “What’s the point of this?”

“The point of what?”

“I don’t care and neither do you. Do you think serial killers regret disemboweling their victims? Of course they don't, they do it to cause destruction. There’s nothing to undo what you did, and words won’t erase the carnage. Just leave it.”

“But I can’t just leave it.” L grumbled, folding his arms. “Because, and I know this will not come across as genuine at all, but I-I…I DID start to care for yo-“

“No.” Light shook his head, a bitter huff of air leaving his mouth. “Don’t say things that aren’t true. Just be honest L. Do you want to pay me off or something? Do you want me to tell you that I accept your apology? I do, if it’ll make you leave faster.”

“I am being honest.”

“I don’t believe you.” Light glared. “If you want to make it up to me, get me out of this hospital bed and let me go home.”

“….I could do that.” L sighed.

“Great.” Light closed his eyes, feeling fatigue roll over him. He was just so tired, and the pit inside of his stomach wouldn’t stop growing. “I want to sleep.”

“I really didn’t come in here to yell at you, or to pick a fight.” L spoke softly, making Light lazily open his eyes. L was standing at the foot of his bed, and that immediately rang alarm bells in his head because of the close proximity, Their eyes met and Light felt something inside of himself tear. “I’m sorry Light, I’m sorry for all of it.”

“…..” Light blinked, hearing static noise inside of his ears. A mournful smile spread over his face, and he felt as if he was looking at the scene of a crime. “Well, then that solves everything.”

He could see the way that the muscles in L’s jaw tensed. “No, it doesn’t.” He spoke lowly. “Light…if I could take it all back, I would.”

“No you wouldn’t.” Light snaps. “You know what you are? You’re cruel L.”

“Yes.” L nodded, accepting Light’s words as the truth. “That I am.”

“And you’re not Kira, for whatever it’s worth.”

Light’s teeth gnashed together. “I know that.”

“Of course you do.” L shook his head. “You’re brilliant Light. How could I have ever harmed such a thing?”

“Stop talking like that.” Light bit out. “I’m not some fragile piece of china that you broke L. I’m fine.”

“But I know how much I hurt you, and I don’t want you to hurt.” L murmured. “Because you were good. You were ACTUALLY good, and that’s so rare to find in a person.”

Light shrugged. “Compliments will get you nowhere.”

“I think I was good once too.” L continued on, ignoring Light. His eyes were trained on the wall behind him and they looked quite foggy. “But things happen to change us. It’s an unavoidable part of life, having our innocence become tainted. But I never thought I would be the bringer of destruction. I never thought I could hurt anyone in that way, and now I have and I don’t want you to be more damage.”

“You aren’t making any sense L.” Light grumbled, trying not to analyze the faraway look in L’s coal black orbs. “And i’m not ‘damage', so stop referring to me as if I’m doomed and hopeless now because of what happened. You could not break me even if you tried your damn hardest.”

A small, melancholy smile crawled onto the detective’s lips. “Just promise me…you won’t become bad.”

Light felt his forehead crease. “Is this another leading question?” He demanded hotly, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “Are you trying to implicate me in another murder scheme that I have no knowledge of?”

“No.” L shook his head wildly, fumbling with his hands as he paced shortly around Light’s bed. “I just need to know that I didn’t ruin you. I-I need to know that everything’s okay.”

“I said it was.”

“But you don’t mean it.” L stopped abruptly and buried his head in his face. “Tell me you’re okay and mean it.”

“Dammit, L I do mean it!” Light yelled, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the door was suddenly pushed open. All of the air had left his body and he felt as if he was floundering in the middle of the ocean. 

“Light? What’s going on in here?” His mother asked, quickly coming into the room and shutting the door loudly. A plastic bag swung from her arm. Light felt as if he could flatline in this very moment, and listened closely to the monitors to see if any changes in the beeping occurred. 

“Just…..” Light swallowed, trying to think of a convincing lie. “Nothing mom, I was just about to sleep.”

“Who’s this?” His mother asked testily, gesturing towards L. He looked as if he had just been dropped into the middle of a lion’s den. Light nearly snorted at how unsettled L appeared.

“No one.” He dismissed. 

“I heard some of your conversation and….” His mother leaned in closer and stage whispered, though that was obviously for appearances since everyone in the room could still clearly hear her. “Is THAT L?”

“Well, I’ll be leaving now.” L muttered, and turned to make his hasty exit. But Sachiko angrily went to stand in front of the door. She looked like the keeper of a crypt, and Light could imagine her saying ‘thou shall not pass!’ She crossed her arms and dropped the bag in the process of doing so. Light grimaced, now his lunch was probably ruined. And it was L’s fault again.

“Where do you get OFF!” She whispered dangerously. 

“Mom.” Light sighed, not wanting to witness a fight between a mother bear and the devil himself. He knew that someone would probably walk away from this conversation with a broken or lost limb. “Just leave it.”

“No Light, how dare he come here to try and harm you further!” Sachiko shouted, throwing her arms up. “Were you trying to kidnap him again?!”

“Yagami-san..” L trailed off. “I came here to apologize-“

“THAT’S rich.” Sachiko scoffed loudly. “Do you see what happened to him? This happened because of you! I could’ve lost my son because of you!”

“Mom!” Light protested. “He apologized, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine.” She stated with authority, and her eyes filled with molten lava. “You need to stay away from my son.”

“I was just leaving.” L shot back and Light inwardly groaned.

“How could you think that my sweet boy was Kira?”

“Oh God-“ Light groaned, but Sachiko didn’t stop.

“Look at how much you’ve hurt him!” She hissed. “The last time I saw him, he was happy. And-that’s not my son. That-“ She pointed a sharp finger in his direction. “THAT is someone who is traumatized. He’s not fine. And maybe you think that he is, but I’m his mother. I can see how vacant his eyes look, and I notice every time he flinches at a loud noise. I notice every time that he frowns when he thinks I’m not looking. What one earth did you do to him?”

“I have a headache.” Light called out, to deter Sachiko from speaking to L anymore. But two didn’t pay him any mind and then L started to speak. 

“I didn’t do anything to him.” L grumbled. “He’s the one who landed himself in this hospital, not me.”

Light glowered at the man even though L wasn’t looking at him. So much for that ‘genuine’ apology and taking accountability huh?

“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Sachiko growled. “I heard that phone call. My son was frantic, and thought that YOU were going to kill him! Why would he believe that?”

“Because Light-kun is overdramatic.”

“I heard the struggle.” She added. “Light won’t tell me what you did, so I’m demanding answers from you.”

“If Light doesn’t want you to know, then I will respect his privacy.” L told her, and Light’s blood boiled. L knew exactly why Light couldn’t go into detail what had happened between them, and he was dangling it in front of his face. 

“Do you have him under some sort of contract?” Sachiko asked, balling her hands into fists. “I know you kept him in handcuffs, and his father told me about the confinement. Did…did you hurt him? Physically?”

“Why on earth does everyone keep insinuating that?” L yelled, throwing his hands up. “I never laid a hand on Light-kun, and I will sue you if you ever voice those unfounded suspicions out loud to anyone ever again. Do you know who I am? I am one of the most powerful individuals in the world-”

“Do you know who I am?” Sachiko interrupted angrily. “I could give less of a shit what ‘power’ or ‘influence’ you have over anyone. If I find out you have hurt my son, you will have hell to pay!”

“I’m sure you have no idea how investigations go.” L laughed condescendingly. “Light-kun was a suspect, and I interrogated and investigated him until I was one hundred percent certain he was framed. Kira is a cunning murderer, and I was not about to possibly let him get away with shoddy detective work! Murder investigations aren’t all sunshine and roses-“

‘So that gives you the right to hurt my son?” Sachiko yelled. “Because he wasn’t Kira! Anyone with about five brain cells could’ve seen that!”

“Are you insulting my intelligence?” L scoffed. “I’ll have you know I have an IQ of two hundred and fifty eight YES that is possible! I am also the three greatest detectives in existence, and you don’t earn those titles by being a half-wit.”

“So what, you get your sick kicks out of torturing innocent people?”

“Please, the most torture Light-kun endured was not being able to have all of his hair products readily available.” Light felt metaphorical steam shoot out of his ears after hearing that comment. 

“As far as I know-“ Sachiko began hotly. “Reputable investigators don’t handcuff their suspects to them and make them fear for their lives!”

“Again, I would have no idea what you are insinuating.” L scoffed. “Do you see any bruises on Light-kun? Was there any sign of abuse on his body? No, because I never touched him. If you tried to take me to court over this the whole case would be thrown out due to lack of evidence. The jury would think that you were a mad woman trying to extort me for money over claims of abuse. I have never abused any of my suspects, no matter how heinous their crimes.”

“Then why was he so desperate to get out of that tower than?” Sachiko yelled. “Soichiro doesn’t know either, but he has a few theories-“

Light paled. Theories…about what? What did his dad know? Oh God, oh Jesus. This conversation was quickly turning into World War Three and Light knew he had to stop the two from going any further. If Light was exposed then…well….he’d probably move to Brazil and change his name to ‘Fred’.

“He didn’t hurt me mom.” Light finally interjected. “He played mind games with me, that’s all.”

“Mind games?” Sachiko repeated lowly. “So you psychologically tortured him?”

“Oh well if psychological torture is a crime then send me to prison I guess.” L rolled his eyes. “I would hardly call what I did to Light ‘psychological torture.’”

“So your apology WAS a lie.” Light yelled, not even caring about appearances anymore. He couldn’t help it, L was such a filthy liar. Every breath the man took was laden with deception.That was probably his real name. L for liar. “What would you call what you put me through?’

“Manipulation and psychological torture are two very different things.” L dismissed. “And I am sorry for manipulating your feelings.”

“Just go!” Light shouted, done with this whole conversation. “Mom, make him leave please.” His stomach was churning and he felt something become lodged in his throat.

Sachiko looked as if she wanted to yell at L some more, but stiffly nodded and moved away from the door. Her eyes still dripped with poison as she looked L over. “If you ever come near Light again, i’ll kill you myself.”

“MOM!” Light gasped, feeling the floor fall out from under him. “You can’t say that to a detective! L doesn’t get sarcasm, he’ll take that as a genuine confession.” Light knew that his mother was just trying to protect him, but really? The last thing he needed to see was his very own mother handcuffed to L.

L looked lost for words, and simply nodded. If Light didn’t know any better, he would think that L was somewhat cowed. The detective walked out of the room and shut the door, rather harshly in Light’s opinion. Finally, he could breathe in air again. His head was throbbing and he felt as if he needed to take a vacation after just witnessing such a volatile conversation. Why was all of this happening to him again? Who had he pissed off in a previous life? 

His mother sat down in a chair closest to the door and began massaging her temples. Even from where he was sitting, Light could see how her hands shook with rage. “The nerve of that man-“ She began hotly, before cutting herself off. 

Light shrugged. “Thank you for standing up for me.” He offered, lamely. He didn’t necessarily want his mother conversing with L, but he appreciated the sentiment. “But I really am okay mom. I’ll be even better after i get out of this damned hospital.”

“Light, language.” His mother scolded lightly, shooting him a weak smile. He attempted to give her one back, but knew it probably came off as more of a grimace.

“….Why don’t you want to tell me what happened?” She suddenly pressed, and Light felt himself sink further into his stiff mattress. “I promise I won’t tell anyone, but I need to know if he hurt you.”

“Mom, there are some things you don’t want to know.” Light spoke carefully, averting his gaze He had decided to study the thin white sheets that pooled at his legs. The air felt unbreathable again. 

“Like what?” 

“Like…I don’t know.” Light swallowed thickly. “Things that would…change your opinion of me.”

“What?” Sachiko sounded shocked and Light felt his heart sink. The bed dipped beside him and Light could feel a soft hand rubbing his arm soothingly. He smelled his mother’s sweet perfume and for a moment thought he might cry. “Nothing could ever change my opinion of you. You are my son, and I love you. You can tell me anything, I promise.”

Light shook his head before he could even think about it. “Not about this.”

Sachiko’s arm stills, and Light can feel her gaze burning into him. “Light-“

“We were intimate, okay?” Light interrupts, and lays back down with a dull thud. His back aches from the force that comes with being thrown down, but Light can’t bring himself to care. *There, now everyone can hate me. Everyone can know about my poor judgement and my inability to spot carnivorous little libertine’s. Now my mother can hate me for my choice in lovers, and I can hate myself as well.* 

The world is burning, and he is standing right in the center of the wreckage. Nothing can be saved. 

“Did he take advantage of you?” She whispers, and Light shakes his head. The limp bangs that fall into his eyes feel greasy.

“No, unfortunately I allowed myself to be deceived by him.” Light laughs spitefully. “This is my karma for being a complete and utter idiot, I suppose. I let myself fall for him and was shocked when he didn’t catch me. I should’ve known, L is such a liar that it makes me sick. I want to hate him. I should hate him. For everything he’s done to me? Treating me as if I was a toy to be used? It’s horrific and embarrassing and I-“ Light’s lips are flapping in the breeze, and he forces them shut so that no more word vomit will escape him. He can’t help it. His eyelids close and he stares at utter darkness. “Just don’t tell dad, okay? And if you hate me because of this-“

“Light, I would never hate you. Especially not over something like this.” She tells him firmly, and Light can hear her fragile voice break. She’s probably crying and that’s just another one of L’s faults. This is his doing. Now his mother thinks he’s destroyed. “Who you choose to love, that’s your business and I would never hate you for that. I love you, do you hear me?”

“I do.” Light nods, because he’s not deaf. His mother does love him, but that might just be because he’s an extension of her. People are narcissistic like that. And of course everyone loves him, he’s Light fucking Yagami. If he really had been Kira, everyone would’ve let him get away with it. Especially his mother. 

But yes, some part of him does accept her love. Even if those words are meaningless to him now. He understands her meaning. She won’t shun him or throw him into the pits of hell for this confession. She’ll stick by him, because that’s her nature. And he’ll let her, because his mother is the only person that could comfort him now.

L has left and there’s nothing but this. His mother is the last person to never betray him, and he hopes that she never will. 

“He didn’t deserve your love, Light.” She tells him solemnly. 

*No one does.*

“Yeah, I know.” Is what he chooses to breath out. “Mom, can you turn on the television? I need some white noise.”

“Okay honey.” She whispers mournfully, because she knows that Light won’t speak anymore on this topic. She understands what he’s gone through, and she knows that there’s nothing she could say to make his life any brighter in this moment in time. She understands his pain, and Light is quite thankful for that. This is his own battle to fight. Like he told L, nothing can be done now. He must adapt and overcome, because it’s not like the doctors can stitch his broken mind back together. No one can offer him anything,he won’t let them. This has been a tragic mistake and that’s that. 

The sun has set. It will not rise for awhile, and he allows himself to be covered by darkness. The moon doesn’t offer any light. His mother did good by naming him Light, because that’s what he is. He is the shining star in a world of rot and that is why everyone is supposed to love him. L is the darkness that tries to hide the light, and it would be a damn shame if he let him succeed. 

He hears the animated voices of cartoon float through the room. He can’t tell what anime is playing, but he knows that it’s anime because that’s what it sounds like. He’s overheard enough of Sayu’s to know. The characters seem to be having a deep conversation, something about love, but he doesn’t care enough to listen to the dialogue. He’s already plotting on how to make his grand return to school, and how to forget about L. 

“Love isn’t real…”

Ha, like hell it is. Love is a word, and sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. 

Sleep doesn’t come to him, but that’s alright. He isn’t thinking of anything in particular.


	15. It’s Still Raining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's still raining. Why is it still raining? I did what i was supposed to. That's...that's not fair."
> 
> I couldn't resist haha. That Jack Stauber video reminds me so much of the rain scene that it's painful. So, obviously, I had to make my own rain scene. Thoughts? Virtual tissues for you all, I nearly bawled my eyes out writing this chapter. My poor boys:/
> 
> And yes I just HAD to add in Wuthering Heights. One of my favorite tragic love stories. In this fic at least, Cathy and Heathcliffe remind me a lot of L and Light's dynamic.
> 
> And two chapters in one night?? I hope you all enjoy, since my chapters have become sparse lately. I just had to get this out here, otherwise I was going to cry haha. As always, your comments and reviews are the only happy part about this book (◠‿◠✿)
> 
> Andddd as I'm typing this out, 'I can't Handle Change' starts playing -_-

When he hears the door behind him open, he knows who it is. He doesn’t know how he knows, he just does. He can feel his very presence, it’s a part of him now. 

Light Yagami is currently sitting on a roof, which Light Yagami would never normally do. Sitting on roofs is a pointless pastime, and it’s incredibly dangerous. It’s too cold up here and he knows that it’s going to rain. The sky is a dark grey, and the clouds breeze past him because they are on a mission. The wind is dragging them to their destination, and the fragile masses of condensation have no choice but to follow. He imagines the sky resembles his current mindset. All dark and stormy and bleak. Some of the sky is almost black, and other parts are a dark blue. It looks like an abstract painting that’s been specifically made to impress him. He can feel the breeze through his hair, and it’s quite moist. It’s also a little cold. A distant rumbling can be heard in the distance.

But Light Yagami is currently sitting on the rooftop to breathe in some fresh air. He hasn’t been outside for as long as he can remember, and he’s always taken it for granted. After being deprived of basic pleasures, you tend to grow an appreciation for them. He’s not much interested in the dull light’s of the city below him, but he loves the sky. He thinks that past those blackening clouds there must be something more. There must be some reason that everything is happening. There has to be something that keeps him alive. 

The purpose of nature right now is to soothe him. It’s doing a shit job, but it’s miles better than that glorified closet of a hospital room. Light knows that he isn’t meant to be kept into a trap, he wants to be free. He can smell emissions and something earthy floating around him. The smells of civilization and mother nature mix, and he thinks that he could die here and be happy. He’ll be glad to be buried in the ground, because the great outdoors are truly marvelous. They offer him a solace that no one else can. They understand his sadness, and that’s why the clouds are black. They are sympathizing with him. Mother nature knows him, and expects nothing from him. 

It’s close to nighttime and he can’t wait to see the moon. This time of evening has always filled him with a certain euphoria.

The footsteps grow closer.

“I love being outside.” He murmurs, mostly to himself. His words float away from him and join the atmosphere. “I missed the fresh air so much.”

“Hm. Well I won’t pretend that I understand seeing as I prefer air conditioning and walls, but i’m glad you're enjoying yourself.” L’s low voice answers him. “How did you manage to escape?”

“I can escape from anything.” Light sighs, still not tearing his gaze away from the darkening horizon. “But I charmed the panties off of some nurse and she forget to close the door. And since my restraints were removed today, I thought it was about time I moved around to bring some of the blood back into my legs. It’s not very productive to sit in a bed all day, after all. And I wanted to come up here, I wanted to get away from everyone. It’s not my fault, I can’t be blamed for other’s stupidity. I merely take advantage of it.”

“Yeah.” L says uselessly, and Light notices that L sounds closer than he did before. “You shouldn’t sit on the ledge though. You could fall.”

“You’d miss me?”

“Of course.”

“I’m not going to fall L.”

“Hm, I know. But sitting like this increases your risk. If you came to stand behind the ledge, however, you would no longer have any threat of danger.”

Light swings his legs over simply to appease L, though he doesn’t know why. Maybe he’s tired of his legs swinging in the nothingness. It is a rather terrifying sensation knowing that one small push could send him to certain doom. He’d like that for a minute, of course. His thoughts would silence and he would feel as if he was flying. Nothing would matter and the wind would thrash against his body, it could actually be quite fun. But he’d regret it five seconds before he hit the pavement.

Once his feet are firmly planted, he looks up at L. He looks the same, if not slightly melancholy. No, scratch that, he looks extremely displeased about something. Almost sad? His mouth is turned into a flat line, but Light can see how his black eyes are wide with sadness. Maybe regret?

“Happy?” He breaths out. L sighs.

“No.”

“So, here to have another fight or offer another sad apology?” Light can’t bear to look at L anymore, he’d much rather look at the sky. From his new height, however, a tall skyscraper bleeds into his serene vision. Stupid building. “I must warn you, I still don’t want to talk to you.”

“I came to tell you goodbye.” Oh?

“Why?” He blurts out, before he can help himself. 

“The case is over. Its been a week now, so. I don’t need to stick around to watch Kira hang from his neck.” L tells him. “And you’ll be out by tomorrow, I pulled some strings.”

“Thanks.” It feels like the right thing to say, but the words feel like ash inside of his mouth. “Even though you’re the whole reason I’m in this mess.” There, that feels better.

L snorts. “I know.”

“Where are you going?” Light blurts out. “Sorry I….I know you can’t tell me.” *And I know I shouldn’t care.*

“….England, probably.”

“What’s in England?” Light bites back a chuckle. “Besides the Queen and crumpets.”

“They also have tea.” L points out, and Light slightly shakes his head. 

“Yeah, and moors.” Light trails his finger across the concrete ledge. It feels frigid, like he’s touching a bone. “We watched ‘Wuthering Heights’ for English class a few years back, and I remember loving the scenery. The moors seemed so peaceful.”

“I haven’t been to any moors.” L admits. “But ‘Wuthering Heights’ was a good novel. Emily Bronte was a genius ahead of her time. I’ve never seen the movie though.”

“I really like the movie, it almost made me cry before I remembered who I was.” Light smirked. “And Heathcliff was hot.”

“Was he?” L hummed.

Light nodded. “Yeah, the whole star-crossed lovers troupe really dragged me in. Bronte did a better job at it than Shakespeare, in my opinion.”

“He's more myself than I am.” L quotes. 

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” Light finished, feeling the bitterness of the wind seep into his heart. 

“They both met with a tragic end.”

“All great love stories do.” Light commented, feeling his incisor graze his cheek. “Which one of us would die first? If this was a love story.”

“You.” L starts, but then sighs. “Me? I don’t know. I can’t imagine you ever dying.”

"I will.” Light tells him. “You will. Though, I would prefer dying before you.”

“Why?”

“I won’t answer that.” Light clicks his tongue. “You should know the answer.”

“Oh.”

“…I think we’re doomed to forever love each other, but also know that we could never work. It’s the perfect storm, wanting the very same person who’s destroyed you. That is, assuming you do care for me at all.”

‘I do. I’d say I love you, but it wouldn’t mean anything.” L laughs bitterly. Light nods his head. 

“It wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t believe you.”

Silence fills the empty rooftop. We’re just two lost souls, staring at storm clouds. Light feels a drop on his cheek and grimaces. He doesn’t want to get wet, but would it really matter? The rain might cleanse him of his regrets. It might feel good on his skin, which feels quite inflamed.

“I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.” L says after a few moments. Another rumble sounds in the distance. “It feels all wrong.”

“Why did you…” He stops, not wanting to ruin the moment. “Never mind.”

“I did it because I’m a bastard.”

“That’s not very good reasoning.”

“I know. Maybe it’s because someone hurt me. Would that explain anything?”

Light turns around, and sees that L is staring at the ground quite intently. “You’ve had your heart broken?”

“Twice.” He nods. 

“How did it feel?”

“Like everything and nothing.”

“So, even now, you understand me?”

“I think i’ll always understand you Light. As Miss Bronte said, you’re more myself than I am.”

“I hate this.” Light declares, turning back around moodily. Another drop of wetness falls onto his head and he involuntarily shivers, and reaches up to run a cold hand through his locks. “How did you get over your heartbreak?”

“Did I?”

“Does it get better?” He all but begs.

“No, you just grow to hate them. Like I imagine you will.”

“I already hate you L.” Light utters softly, regretting the next words that he know will fall out of his mouth. “Because I loved you so much, and I don’t know how to stop.”

“…..I’m sorry.”

“I still don’t believe you care about me at all.” He whispers. “You’re leaving.”

“Don’t do that.” L quickly says, and places a hand on his shoulder. The touch burns him and he slightly flinches, so the hand is quickly removed. “I’m leaving because I can’t hurt you anymore. This is a mess I can’t fix.”

“We could try?” Light offers, before mentally smacking himself. he feels cold all over. “No, forget it.”

“Could you ever forgive me?” L quietly asks, and Light feels as if icy needles have just embedded themselves in his heart. He closes his eyes and feels his eyelashes softly grace his under eyes. They feel so delicate. The silence is the loudest answer he could’ve given.

“Can i say something, then?” L requests. “Because, I won’t see you again. And I need to tell you this, even if you won’t care. I just need to tell someone, and preferably I want that someone to be you.”

“Why not?” Light laughs humorlessly, and feels more raindrops fall onto his slouched form. The soft pattering of rain fills his senses.

“I thought you truly were Kira. I thought you were a monster, one who was going to kill me. And…i couldn’t deal with that, not again. i thought that it was my mission to stop all of the monsters of the world, and I didn’t want any more of them to best me. You know what I saw when I looked at you? I saw someone I needed to break.” He heard L loudly swallow. "And I did that, but it was a double edged sword. Because I realized too late that you weren’t a monster. I realized too late that you were someone that I actually could’ve loved. Because, God Light, when I had your love it felt good. Even if I myself didn’t know that I loved you, I always felt it. If I hadn’t of hurt you I think I could’ve been happy.”

“But now it’s over.” L bitterly laughed, and the sound pierced Light’s ears. He didn’t want to hear this. “Everything’s ruined and you’re changed. Even if you won’t admit that to anyone, I can see it in your eyes. I ruined that unadulterated love and you should hate me. I used you, when you were pure. It was evil and I know what you’re feeling. After someone you’ve trusted hurts you like that, you can’t stand to be near them. But because I’m selfish, I don’t want you to hate me. I want you to kiss me and tell me that it’s okay, that you forgive me. I want you to hug me and I want to fall in your embrace, because I need to feel safe. I want everything to melt away and I want to be only left with you. But, it’s wrong of me to wish that because I know that everything’s not okay, and I need to suffer.”

A loud clap of thunder would’ve made Light jump if he was not so utterly torn apart. How could L say those things? And why did he want to kiss him? Why did he need L to hold him? No, no this wasn’t good. That couldn’t happen. He felt as if he was choking, as if his lungs were not working properly. He leaned over the side of the roof and blew out a harsh breath, the only indication of his inner turmoil. He felt his heart tighten and squeeze, and wondered if he was actually having a heart attack. 

The rain soaked him, it was now pouring down with a vengeance. He felt his thin white long sleeve cling to his body, and his arms shook. His hair fell onto his forehead and angry wet trails of water streamed down his face. He hoped it was just rain. The rain seemed louder, for some reason. it seemed like a thousand elephants were stampeding towards him. He sighed and looked down at the city. Cars rushed by and passerby’s scurried down the sidewalk with a purpose. The light sound of a car honking caught his attention, and then he realized he hadn’t said anything. 

“You won’t suffer.” Light tells him breezily, still watching the random little people scurry on the street. They mean nothing to him, they are just filler characters created for his amusement. They will never understand him, only L can do that. But the civilians serve as a reminder that there is something to live for. He wishes he had an umbrella though, his very bones feel chilled. Maybe he’ll catch pneumonia. People survive that, right? He’d be in terrible agony, but at least an illness would give him something else to think about. All of these thoughts about L are eating at his mind. 

“You’ll move on, and continue to solve cases. Maybe you’ll find another Light Yagami.” He pauses, and laughs at the silly thought. “No, you could never find anyone like me.”

“You’re special.” L agrees and Light feels his heart throb. “I will suffer, though. Whether you choose to believe that or not is up to you.”

“I won’t suffer.” Light tells him, though he’s reminding himself of this fact as well. His words come out with an air of confidence that surprises himself. He blinks away lone raindrops that fall into his eyes. “I’ll eat this world, and everyone in it. I want to be great.”

“You already are.”

“You obviously didn’t think so.” Light starts, but hears L let out a harsh laugh.

“I’ve always thought so.” L told him. “Don’t play coy, Light. I’ve said multiple times that you’re a younger, more handsome version of myself. If I didn’t hold you in high regard, what would that say about me? You are the most brilliant man I’ve ever met, and It’ll be awful hard to survive without you by my side. I’ve grown used to you now.”

“Why would you try and break me then?” Light whispered, clasping his hands together tightly. He can see the veins rise under his skin, and his arms aches dully.

“Because I wanted to win.”

Light can feel his eyes sting, and closes them quickly. “So when are you leaving?”

“Now.”

“Right this second?”

“In a few moments. If there’s anything you want to say to me, now would be the time.”

“As much as I adore hearing myself talk.” Light begins, speaking flippantly. “You already know what I’d have to say. I don’t like sounding repetitive.”

“So there’s…no chance for us?” L whispers in a small voice that makes Light want to take him into his arms and shield him. He sounds so weak in this moment. He knows that voice, and he knows what it means. It’s hope. Hope that maybe there’s something he could do, one day, that could bring them back together. He wants there to be something there. He doesn’t want to loose Light, not entirely. Light understands, he doesn’t even think about what life will be like without L.

Because there’s no hope. It was splashed away along with his blood that laid on the tiles. Light knows he will never forget, and he will not allow himself to forgive L. because that’s weakness, and he’s the strong one here. L can’t hurt him and still get to claim his prize. 

“There’s not.” Light says softly, so softly that he’s afraid the rain will drown out his words. “Have you ever been truthful, ever?”

“I was, just now.” L sighs. “The truth isn’t much fun, is it? The only thing that kept us alive was our games and lies.”

“It wasn’t a game to me, L.” Light snaps out, harsher than he intended to. “I didn’t lie to you at all.”

“Can you look at me, please?” L blurts out, and Light can hear the desperation in his voice. A feeling of loss sweeps over him and he bites his tongue. He feels completely barren.

“Why would that make any difference?” He sighs, shaking his head. Yet he complies, because what is he if not a slave to L’s commands. This has to be a proper goodbye, after all. They need faux closure for themselves. Is this just another part of their game?

And he stares at L. As if he is the most beautiful treasure in all of the world. As if he is shimmering diamonds and brightly colored jewels shining under a waterfall in the depths of a cave somewhere. His black eyes look like little whirlpools, and he recognizes the emptiness inside of them. L looks lifeless, like a corpse. Maybe Light is flirting with necromancy. The low rising of L’s chest indicates that he is still alive, though. He can see that his white shirt is clinging tightly to his own skin, making him appear smaller.

Light wants to tell him that he understands. He wants to tell L that he’s empty too. He wants to share the emptiness, because that wouldn’t be as lonesome. He wants to say that he doesn’t care about what happened in the past, and no matter how much they hate each other, that he’ll stay by L’s side. He needs a companion, after all. He needs L. He thinks that breathing will be harder without him around. He’ll feel as if a part of him has died, and he doesn’t want to attend the funeral. He wants to love L as deeply as he did just one week ago. Why did he have to wake up and hear that confession? WHY? It doesn’t make any sense, because L is his life. Who does he have to impress now? Mindless sheeple? L was the only one who saw him. 

“So pretty, your eyes.” L whispers, tentatively reaching a hand up to brush against his face. Light moves away though, because he has to. And the hand drops despondently as L sighs. “They’re so bright. They look almost amber in this lighting.”

“There is no lighting.” Light responds. “It’s all darkness.”

It’s so unfair, L is here. He is a living, breathing man and Light could so easily fall into him. He is more real than anything. He feels so real that Light thinks that even he doesn’t exist. But L will be gone soon, and he’s not going to stop him. He’ll never look upon those black holes he calls eyes ever again. He’ll never feel that wild, soft raven hair against his forehead ever again. He’ll never experience the same warmness he felt when he was in L’s arms. He’ll never know what his body feels like again. L is so temporary. 

“You are the light.” L murmurs, his voice so soft and delicate that Light knew it wasn’t meant for him to hear. “I needed to memorize your face, i don’t want to forget you.”

“You should.” Light shakes his head, the rain is beating down on him harshly.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that.”

“Right. Are you going to come in? You should, you’re not completely healed yet. You’ll catch a cold up here.”

“I like the rain, it’s nice.” Light defends. “I’m okay."

“I know you are.” L smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. It’s like someone has forcefully pulled his lips upwards. His gaze suddenly sharpens, and some form of life dances in his eyes. “Fuck Light, your bandages. They’ll get wet.”

Light feels as if he’s been slapped. He takes a giant step back and crosses his arms delicately, trying to shield his wounded one from L. He caresses the limb, as if it is a newborn baby lamb. “Don’t mention my arm.”

“But Light, it could get infected-“

“Drop it.” Light hisses, feeling his blood turn to ice in his veins. Because they couldn’t have one nice moment, could they? Everything always gets ruined. 

“It doesn’t exist.” And now he feels like crying, and brings his pointer finger to his chapped lips to chew on. Well, that’s just great that he’s picked up one of L’s obnoxious habits. Will he ever be able to escape him? His arm burns because it must know it’s being discussed. Light feels bile rise in his throat as he thinks of the scars. They’ll never heal, of course. He’ll have to hide his arm away from everyone for the rest of his life. It’s exposed shame, and he will forever have L’s memory carved into him. Another reminder that nothing will ever be right again. 

“Okay, I’m sorry Light.” L utters another useless apology, and stares at the wet concrete beneath him guiltily. “I don’t want to upset you.”

“You didn’t.”

“Okay.”

Light truly feels like screaming, just to expel all of this hurt. he wants this poison out of his body. But screaming would be completely futile and L would be ashamed of him. It would be quite embarrassing, so he keeps his lips sealed shut. The rain splattered against the roof, and it was the only comfort Light could find. Why is it still raining? Because the sky knows that Light needs this. The soft patter of water keeps him sane. 

“You’ll go in soon?” L presses one more time, and Light nods his head limply.

“Okay. Well, goodbye Light.”

“Sayonara L. You know, that’s a permanent goodbye. It’s a finality.”

“Is that what this is?”

Light looks down, and sees a puddle. His despondent reflection stares back up at him. “Yes.”

“Well, Sayonara Light Yagami. Take care of yourself.”

“I always have.”

“I know.”

They stand there, because neither of them wants to move. So many unspoken words hang in the cold air. Maybe if they stand here long enough, they could freeze time. Everything would stop and neither of them would have to leave. This moment could last forever. The rain could protect them from the cruelties of reality. Light can hear L’s soft breathing. 

“Are you going to leave?”

“…Yes.”

And L does leave. Light catches one last glimpse of his face, before he turns away forever. His black hair hangs down limply and he simply walks away. He doesn’t slow his steps or stop to hesitate, he walks all the way over to the door with confidence. Which reminds Light that L is a liar, and that this didn’t mean anything to him. L is fine, and Light is not. The rain blurs his vision and he hopes that it’s not tears. He can’t cry, not over this. The rain almost seems to envelope L, washing him away. 

*I do love you.* His minds screams out. *Come back, please. Please don’t leave me, I can’t take it. I’ll love you even if you attempt to kill me. You…can’t walk away L, I need you!* But these are silent screams that never pass his lips. L will never know how utterly wrecked his heart is. He can almost feel it bleeding through his chest, so he looks down to investigate. But it’s just the rain. 

He looks up and feels the air leave him. L is gone. He missed him leaving. The door is shut and he is all alone on this wet rooftop. He didn’t even get to see the last of L’s retreating back. It’s all over. He bites his tongue, and feels himself slide to the floor. It’s so unfair. 

L is gone.

He’ll never see him again.

And he couldn’t even say goodbye properly. He’s just as sad as ever, and there’s nothing he can do about these loathsome feelings threatening to eat him alive. L was right, he’s just damage. 

He lets out a few short gasps of breath, which could be considered sobs. Chills run rampant through his body and clutches himself tightly. He wants to protect himself. He closes his eyes and let’s the rain take him. He’ll stay out here forever, wallowing in this pain. There’s no other way to life now. Well there is, but he can’t think about that. Not now. He can only picture the smile on L’s face, the last time he held him. He misses the warmness. He didn’t even get one last kiss. 

It’s so horribly unfunny that he still cares for L, but hates every bone in his body. How could his heart betray him like this? How can he stop it from beating for the wrong person? He clenches his teeth, so hard that he half hopes they break. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be warm again, the rain has soaked too deeply into him. 

He opens his eyes and sees that the sky is crying for him as well. The grayness of the sky seemed to go on forever, and streaks of blackness painted the weeping clouds. A sliver of the moon shone through, and the moon almost looked pure white. It shone down from the dark clouds, illuminating him and only him. It was trying to provide him with some comfort. The moon understood him. It wanted him to be okay. It was the only good in the barren sky, peaking out from underneath all of the blackness. 

It’s a horribly tragic picture. A young boy who had his whole life ahead of him weeping under the downpour, nursing his broken soul. This picture is for him, and him alone. If he gets to be damage, then no one else is to know. He can keep it inside for himself, because it’s his. His and L’s.


	16. After The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, Light after everything:((( At least he's not broken though, he's tough and resilient. He also does have some bad habits, enter Mikami. God I made Mikami such a bastard in my fic. TW for pedophillia mentions, because Mikami is just evil. Also, TW for all of the Kiyomi haters. Don't worry, it brought pain into my heart writing this part:/ But Light, for some reason, kept her around in canon and, for the purposes of this fic at least, he needed a stable relationship unlike the one he had with Misa. But, still:/ It won't be forever, don't worry:))
> 
> So, what do we think? And yes Ryuk had to stay, he's an icon I simply couldn't do without. But Light IS NOT KIRA!! He just has a demon friend ;)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! As always, your comments always make my entire year I'll never get tired of reading them:)))
> 
> Happy Valentines day, btw! I'm celebrating by writing angst ヾ(＠⌒▽⌒＠)ﾉ
> 
> P.S. Did I characterize Light right? God, I hope so. If I made him say anything offensive, I apologize, but I feel like his normal character (even without the Death Note) Is very offensive and apathetic. Light is just a character, in a sense. Also he has quite a few walls up especially after what happened with L.

It’s such a boring thing, to sit inside of a classroom. Light had never realized that. But after everything he’s gone through, this is truly one of the most repulsive experiences ever. He idly plays with his pencil and tries to have the good manners to at least appear interested in what this pin-headed professor has to say. The stiff wooden seat he was sat in was hurting his backside, so he shifted subtly. The air felt thick and he felt way too crowded. He knew all of this information, anyway. He could’ve graduated two years ago, but that was not how college worked. He had to play the game if he wanted to become a detective. That’s all this was, some game that he had to maneuver. Whatever society demanded of him, he would readily give. College was just another stepping stone into…more monotony, he supposed.The clock ticked loudly.

Everything was so dreadfully boring. He felt like smashing his head against a wall, but knew that would just be impolite. And downright crazy. He could feel the life seeping out of him, and wondered if grey hairs had already made their way onto his head. He discreetly smoothed out his hair, before moving his head to give it a tiny flick.

*No, I’ll never get grey hairs.” Light told himself. His hair was his pride and joy, and he’d protect it until his death.

Why had he cared so much about getting into To-Oh? It was just like high school, but with extra steps. At least in high school he could look outside of a window. But now, if he turned his head to the left all he would see is some nobody’s head. 

His eyes drooped and he resisted the urge to yawn. “Yeah, yeah. I know all about analyzing crime scenes.* He thought, haughtily. *No one ever appreciates my intelligence.*

“Okay class…remember to read pages two eighty three through three hundred and two tonight.” The professor finally stated, his voice droll and irritating. “Class is dismissed.”

Light resisted the urge to cheer and simply began gathering his things. His throat felt dry and he knew that he’d have time to stop at a water fountain before his last lecture. He could maybe stop into a bathroom on the way, but that was pushing it. He was always on time, and he didn’t even really need to relieve himself. He’d just simply like to glance into a mirror and observe himself, because he was the most interesting thing here after all. He could always stand to inspect his perfect face for any signs of imperfections for a few moments. 

“Yagami-san?” A soft voice tore him from his inner musings, and he straightened up to look down at the girl who had just addressed him. “Would you want to walk to class together?”

Light flashed an easy-going smile to his classmate and nodded his head, slowly turning to walk towards his next destination. He could hear soft footsteps from behind him and resisted the urge to look over his shoulder to observe his new shadow.

Kiyomi Takada. Miss Todai. She is ranked in the top ten percent of the entire school. Kiyomi is a nice girl, but not too nice that she’s lost in the crowd. She’s smart and has ambitions, but not overly so in a way that makes her completely unapproachable. She’s conservative and respectful, and every guy wants to do her. But she places herself on a pedestal for the civilians to admire her. She doesn’t let you get too close unless you have something to offer her. She’s like Light in that sense, so he admires her for it. She’s pretty, but not in the way that Misa was. 

Oh yes, Misa. After HE left, they had another great year together. And when Light says great, what he really means was barely tolerable. Misa lost the clinginess about six months later and they slowly drifted apart. She started doing more movies away from home and Light began to look for replacements. He was still young, he still is, so it wasn’t like he needed to find anything too urgently. But he knew Misa would not be his future wife, because she was too wild. She always talked about herself in third-person and liked stuffed animals. And she dressed like something out of a Tim Burton movie, and he knew that she wasn’t marriage material. She grew bored of him because Light wasn’t wild enough, and unlike most of the men she had been with previously, he was more than content to go over boring notes rather than touch her. 

The first crack in the foundation was when Light told her that he couldn’t stand her cooking. She said that she was okay with that, and then three days later he found out that she wasn’t okay with it.

The second and final crack was when she told Light she was going to be doing a movie in Iceland. Light told her that he couldn’t wait around for her, and she told him that he shouldn’t bother if that was the case. She left and that was that. He was pretty sure that Misa already had something on the side with an actor named Hideki Ryuga, but that wasn’t a sad revelation. It wasn’t like Light was ever monogamous towards her. 

Ever since then, he’s been window shopping in a sense. It’s not like he’s desperate, after all. He could snap his fingers and five potential mates would instantly be at his side. So many of them just want a casual fuck, which is tolerable sometimes. It’s important that Light remain like a god to them, something important that everyone wants but almost none can touch. So that when he does come to mingle with the commoners, they’ll feel gracious. It happens once in a blue moon, and it’s good. Rare treasures are more valuable, after all. Light prefers that people admire him, and know that he is something special that they could only dream of. He hasn’t publicly dated since Misa, and they broke up seven months ago. Now would be an opportune time to set some pieces in place. 

Kiyomi was definitely one of his top picks. They’d look good together, in his opinion. They were both extremely smart, but he knew that she would never outshine him. And since she was picky as well, it would just make him look that much more desirable. They would be the kind of couple that you might see in hallmark movies. The kind that are on christmas cards, and that buy a respectable three-bedroom house with a porch. Kiyomi was a safe and reasonable option. 

The only thing he had been slightly worried about was how to approach her. Light usually had to have at least a two minute conversation with a person before he decided which mask he would put on to reel them in. You had to judge people correctly after all, and you had to make yourself seem like their perfect match. He certainly didn’t want to be shot down, which wasn’t very likely but it was still in the realm of possibility. This was just another game that he had to win. He was like a prized pooch that was judged on one of those dog shows where they performed tricks. 

Luckily, Kiyomi had decided to approach him first. Which was good, because that meant that she was already interested. Interested enough to proposition him instead of admire from a distance. That meant she had already decided she liked him, and now wanted to judge for herself if he felt the same way.

“So, how have your studies been going Yagami-san?” She asked politely as they walked a respectable distance away from each other down the corridor. Not too far that it looked as if they were strangers, but it was a friendly distance. It meant that if Light decided to take her hand, he could. 

Laughing cordially, Light snuck a gaze over to her. She was looking at him politely and he felt his smile widen. “You know me.” He laughed. “Just trying to not drink my weight in espresso.” Good, this would show that he was humble. Not that he already knew all everything, and was just breezing through his studies. That would appear too cocky and big-headed. But, he didn’t want to be too self-deprecating. “But, I can’t wait to graduate. You know, get into the real thrills that life has to offer.”

Kiyomi gave him a small laugh. She appreciated intelligence and ambition. “I understand what you mean. Sometimes I feel as if I already know everything they’re teaching, and I just have to play the game.”

Light could feel his own eyes brighten. “Well, don’t tell any of the professors this, but I’m just playing along. You know, helping them to get paid and all that.”

He could see Kiyomi give him a small smile from the corner of his eyes and he knew he had got her. “Well, that’s awfully generous of you.”

Light shrugged, shooting her a small wink. “I try.” He could see a slight blush creep on to her cheeks.

“You’re studying to become a detective, right?” She suddenly asked, wanting to confirm what she had heard was true. He nodded. 

“Yep, following in the footsteps of my father. Or, at least trying to.” He joked. 

“Well, from what I’ve heard, I think you’ll make a great detective.”

“Thank you.” He brushed his arm slightly against hers. Not too little that it could be read as accidental, though. “And what are you studying for?”

“Journalism.” She told him, with a slight smugness in her voice. “Most of the reporters nowadays are all paid off by big wigs and corporations, and I think it would be nice to bring some realness and passion back into the field.”

Light allowed himself a small smirk. Bragging, huh? She obviously wanted him to be impressed by her goals and ideals. Ok, he’d bite. “That’s really honorable.” he told her softly, and saw the blush incase. “I think you’d make a great reporter, Miss Todai.”

She let out a small gasp and delicately placed her hand on her cheek. “Oh, stop it! That’s so embarrassing.” But from the way she smiled, Light could tell that she adored the title.

“Heh, well I wouldn’t want to embarrass you.” Light teased. “Though I’ll admit, when I think of you ‘Miss Todai’ isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.”

“Oh?” She questioned. “Well, what does come to mind?”

Okay, he was going in for the kill. “Your brilliance.” He answered, lowering his voice to appear somewhat shy. “I never thought someone as pretty as you could retain as much intelligence as you show, but then you came along and proved me wrong.”

He then stopped and lowered his head just a bit. “Sorry, that was quite forward of me.”

He felt a delicate hand pat his shoulder and he looked up to see that Kiyomi was looking at him with starry eyes. “N-no.” She stuttered, and then cleared her throat. “You’re sweet, Yagami-san.”

He felt a warmth spread through his chest and bit his lip to keep from smiling widely. Kiyomi looked as if she would let him take her right here in this hallway. He had caught the ‘refined Takada’s’ attention, and she was mere putty in his hands. “Light, please.”

He was giving her permission to use his name, no honorifics or pleasantries needed. He was showing her that she was special, that she had received the honor of uttering his name. An honor that many would never even dream of being given and she knew that. She smiled brightly. “Light. You know, I’ve always loved your name.”

He bowed slightly, making sure that he appeared slightly flushed as well. “Thank you, Takada-san.”

“You can call me Kiyomi.” She laughed softly, and Light felt like a fat kid in a candy shop. She was giving him that same honor and now would be willing to do anything for her. Now if he asked her out, there was no way she’d say no. She was telling him that she liked him, and wanted him. 

“What are you going tomorrow night?” He asked, walking up to the door of his classroom. 

“Nothing, yet.” She told him, blinking her eyes flirtatiously. He could almost feel the excitement rolling off of her. 

“Well, how would you like to go to dinner?” 

“…That would be lovely Light.”

He opened the door to the classroom to let her walk in before him, because of course he was a gentleman. 

The crisp autumn breeze blew through his hair as he walked down the busy street to get to Mikami’s apartment. He just had to live in the busiest part of town, of course. Luckily, it was late at night so Light hoped that none of his school friends would be out. A slight chill went through his body and he wrapped his coat tighter around himself.

“Hyuk, going to visit your boy-toy again?” Ryuk asked from behind him, his loud gravelly voice carrying over the idle chatter of the passerby’s around him.

Light just rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to glare back at the shinigami. Yes, Ryuk had stayed. But, don’t get it twisted. It wasn’t because he had become Kira. He knew that’s what Ryuk was hoping for, and the shinigami had been quite disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm for homicide. Light remembered that conversation like it had happened yesterday, instead of two years ago.

He had been innocently lying in his bed after school, still moping the loss of a certain detective. He had gotten all of his schoolwork done, and hoped that no one would bother him. He didn’t need dinner, he had had a late lunch. Food kind of tasted like sawdust now, anyway. It was for survival, nothing more and nothing less. He couldn’t risk loosing anymore weight and suddenly appearing skeletal. He had been quite content to wrap himself up in his mass of blankets and glare at his dark ceiling. Light liked solitude, especially after HE had left. It was quiet and calm and peaceful, and his thoughts weren’t as ravaging when he was alone. His mind screamed at him when he was in the presence of others, oddly enough. He liked his own presence best. 

“Well Light Yagami, we meet again.” A voice had sounded from his left. “Don’t suppose I could interest you in the Death Note?”

Light had simply sighed and turned over away from the demon. Even in the hospital, Ryuk had been badgering him about becoming the next Kira. Even going as far as to dump jello in his lap and change the television channels. Light had just ignored him. The shinigami’s presence no longer made him want to jump out of his skin. No, Ryuk was simply an annoying shadow. It was hard to be terrified of a god of death who whined, after all.

“How many times do I have to say no?” Light grumbled. “Kira died.”

“Come on Light-o.” Ryuk had groaned, flapping his body over to the side of the wall that Light was facing. Light had given the demon his best ‘don’t fuck with me’ glare, but the supernatural creature wasn’t affected in the slightest. “Maybe you’d stop being depressed if you just wrote one teensy name?”

“That would make me more depressed.” Light had sighed. “I know your kind gets off on killing, but most normal humans don’t relish the idea of taking a life. Besides, I’ve already spent more time in jail then I would’ve liked. There’s no way.”

“Then…if you won’t write in the Death Note, I’ll write YOUR name down.” Ryuk had threatened, and started to chuckle manically. “Feeling a bit more motivated now?”

Light had simply rolled onto his back and glared up at the ceiling some more. He imagined the ceiling was a certain raven-haired individual. He could almost imagine his eyes burning holes into the white wall. “Go ahead.” Yes, he’d edge a death god.

The chuckling abruptly ended at that. “What?” Ryuk gasped. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Light allowed a smirk to fall onto his otherwise despondent face. “Well, you are a god of death.” He sighed. “If you really want to write my name down, there’s no use in trying to stop you.”

Ryuk stayed silent for a few moments, obviously not anticipating this turn of events. “You’re boring.” He finally growled. “All you do is lay in bed now.”

“Hey! I also go to school you oversized beetle.” Light hissed, and then he mentally slapped himself for feeling so offended. 

“Light-o!” Ryuk whined. “Look, I’ll level with ya. I don’t want to go back to the shinigami realm. Capiche? It’s so borrring there! All those lazy bastards do is gamble or wait to turn into dust. It’s all cold, and dark, and smelly, and there’s nothing to do! Shinigami can’t even sleep!”

“And that’s my problem how?” Light asked, dryly.

“Well, if a human takes ownership of the Death Note then I don’t have to go back there.” Ryuk explained. “Please, I promise I’m fun to have around! I wanna stay here!”

“I’m not killing anyone!” Light snapped. “Go find another Kira.”

“That’s so much work!” Ryuk growled. “Pleaseeee? I can’t take anymore of the king’s whining! And if I go back there, Sidoh is gonna stalk me again! He has a big fat crush on me, and it’s weird! He smells like feet and-“

“I think you should go back.” Light interrupted. “I’m tired of being bugged.”

“You’re such a brat!” Ryuk hissed. “You should show me a little respect.”

“Ha! Respect for what?” Light chortled, contemplating shoving a pillow over his head. How was he so tired? It was only eight pm.

“Because I’m a god!” Ryuk exclaimed. “I have more power than you could even comprehend. Plus, I’m eons older than you! Don’t you know that you should respect your elders?”

“Respect is earned Ryuk.” Light sighed, sitting up and furiously rubbing at his eyes. “I don’t respect people, or gods, that badger me. It’s not polite. If someone says no, you should respect their answer.”

“…..Well, where’s the fun in that?” Ryuk demanded. 

“….If I take the Death Note, will you leave me alone? I have a headache.” Light finally sighed. The shinigami started nodding furiously. “BUT I’m not writing in it.”

Ryuk’s grin fell upside down and he slumped onto the floor. “That’s not interesting or fun! So what, I get to watch you work out math problems?”

“….Ryuk, sometimes I do interesting things.” Light told him, shuffling around on his bed. Because Light was the main character, wasn’t he? This god of death should be elated at being given the privilege of spying on his life. Many would kill for that opportunity. The room had suddenly gotten colder and he wondered if it was Ryuk’s doing for not getting his way. “And this way, you get to stay on earth. That’s my final offer.”

“Will you feed me apples?”

Light eyed the creature. Ryuk’s red orbs glowed brightly in the dark room. “I guess.”

Ryuk’s smile returned and he started to giggle. “You drive a hard bargain Light-o.” He told the brunette, wagging a finger. “But as long as you do interesting things, I won’t kill you.”

“Yay.” Light’s words dripped with sarcasm as he flopped back down onto his bed.

“It’ll be so much fun!” Reek’s sing-song tone carried across the room, and Light could swear that it made the walls shake. It certainly made his head throb. “I’ll be like your own personal guardian angel!”

Light responded with a groan, and buried himself deeper into his bed. He had a feeling that he was going to regret this decision.

It had been two years, and Light was never not annoyed by the shinigami. Ryuk would always wake him up early in the morning demanding apples or laughing for some unknown reason. He followed him everywhere and would try to engage Light in conversation while he was in public, which was quite rude. Light wasn’t going to talk to himself as if he had an imaginary friend, or he’d be put on antipsychotics. Talking out loud to nothingness was only acceptable if you were five years old, or had lost your damn mind. Light sometimes envied insanity, it would make life so much easier. You’d be free to say and do what you pleased, and no imaginary barriers of politeness would be able to hold you back. They saw the world for what it was, and no one held any expectations for them. They had something to blame their ludicrousness on, after all. Maybe one day he’d simply go mad and begin screaming at a blank white wall. 

Ryuk was like having a toddler. It was always ‘feed me some apples!’ or ‘let’s play mario cart’ or ‘why don’t you trip that person? They’d never suspect it was you, hyuk hyuk.’ He always had to pay attention to the shinigami, and if he didn’t he’d have to deal with random objects flying about his room. Light had decided that he never wanted children. If he was forced to have them, he’d hire a nanny and shut them out far away from his reality. Light didn’t like bothering over anyone but himself. And Light had never imagined he’d be a babysitter for a demon. Didn’t it have anything better to do? Though it was Ryuk, he was a glorified fly on the wall. 

Light admired those who were self-sufficient, and Ryuk got none of his admiration.

“His place always smells like socks and fresh paper.” He attempted to engage Light in conversation again as they walked into the lobby. The lobby of this place was horrible, given how expensive the units were. For example, there was no receptionist at the desk and that was just rude. What if he desperately wanted to buy one of these apartments? What if he was bleeding out and needed assistance? This lobby was like a ghost town. That probably had something to do with the decorations, too. They were all stark white. Every rug, every couch, even the bloody coffee tables. It looked like an Ikea had thrown up in this room. And Ikea themed funeral home. Oh, well there was some roses in a vase so there’s that.

“And he always has that really slow music on? What’s it called? It has a lot of trumpets and it sounds droll and sad. It sounds like how rain sounds.”

“Jazz music.” Light sighed quietly as the elevator closed. It jolted him upwards and a jolt of electricity ran through his spine. For a moment he though he might be ejected from this moving box of death and his hairs stood on end. “And you know I can’t converse with you in public, Ryuk.”

“We should make a code!” Ryuk told him excitedly. 

“….I don’t have time to memorize a code.” Light scowled, kicking the toe of his shoe into the stiff carpet underneath him. It had garish red swirls adorning it. Yuck. “And speaking to oneself alone in public, code or not, is very worrying.”

“Well I don’t like being ignored.” Ryuk huffed. “Maybe I’ll just write your name in my Death Note if you keep ignoring me!”

The elevator let out a robotic ding and Light straightened his posture before stepping out. “That threat has lost all of it’s meaning by now.” He whispered lowly, walking down the hallway of endless doors. Behind each of these doors was a life, but they were lives that did not interest him. Even Mikami’s door didn’t particularly interest him. It was just plain white like the rest. He was very interested in the money behind the door, however. So he’d put up with the doors for now. 

Mikami answered after the second knock. God, he’s just so pathetic. He’s like a dog waiting for it’s master. He’s obviously styled his hair and cleaned his glasses. He’s wearing a dreadful dark grey suit that looks like it’s just been stolen from a corpse. It makes his skin look ashy, but Mikami must think he’s the belle of the ball. He always tries to impress Light with his suits. Ha, as if. Light wore a better suit at his christening. He could sleep in a suit and still make it look like a million bucks. Mikami couldn’t do anything to impress him at this point in time.

“Light, please come in.” He smiles lecherously. He looks like a reptile and Light frowns.

“Light-san.” Light reminds him. He does this every time, simply to provoke a reaction from him. And he knows this. He hasn’t been given the right to use his name, but he still continues to commit this unforgivable sin because he’s a half-wit who doesn’t know just how much Light detests him. But he doesn't detest his money, and that’s why he's here. Mikami doesn’t know about that part either, obviously. 

“Ha, yeah I know.” Mikami steps back to allow him entryway.

“Ew, called it. Jazz music.” Ryuk groans as they make their way in and hear the soft lilt of a saxophone. It does sound sad, just like Mikami’s life is. Light respectfully removes his shoes, though he has no respect for the man in front of him. 

“Did you find out anything? Do you know how long they’ll follow me for?” Mikami suddenly blurts out, making Light sigh. 

He doesn’t answer at first, because it’s not an urgent matter. Yes, someone is following Mikami. How tragic. Light thinks it’s the cops. They must’ve seen a young boy leave the prosecutors apartment at two in the morning. A schoolboy leaving a grown man’s apartment in the middle of the night? How scandalous. They definitely know somethings up, and they surely must be building a case against him right this very moment. And since Light’s father is the chief of police, Mikami is paying him to gather information on just how much the cops know. Light can hack into classified information, after all. 

If Mikami went down for pedophillia, his life would be over. Kiddie diddlers don’t exactly have a pleasant time inside of prison. So the man is starting to sweat. And this is endlessly amusing to Light because it’s all fake. There’s no one after Mikami, the cops aren’t even on his radar. How did Light see the undercover cop waiting outside Mikami’s apartment complex? He didn’t. But Mikami thinks he did, and he’s so dull that he’s now paying Light for imaginary information. 

Not only is this amusing for Light, it’s also smart because Mikami is paying him to find out just how fucked he is. He’ll come over twice a week and tell Mikami about some made up observations or a few faux theories he’s found in his dad’s files. He tells Mikami when and where the cop will follow him, and Mikami decides to act like a model citizen for those select times. Funnily enough, he hasn’t stopped propositioning young boys. He’s just more careful now. He just can’t help himself, can he? Light probably should tell the police about this serial predator, but then all of his new funds would be cut off. And he’s not quite ready for that yet. Mikami’s a useful idiot, for now. 

He stops at the man’s table full of liquor and grabs a small crystal glass. Mikami wants to look fancy, but all of the drinks he owns are cheap. No matter, they still serve their purpose. 

“Should you really be doing that?”Mikami calls over, but doesn’t make a move to stop him. Light shrugs, watching with rapt interest as the clear liquid runs over the ice cubes. Mikami probably shouldn’t have fucked him when he was sixteen. He was such a hypocrite, always saying things that sounded nice unless one knew the truth. If Light had to endure being in his presence, then he was going to take the edge off.

He wasn’t a drunkard, no. He couldn’t afford to loose control around anyone, especially Mikami. He controlled everything in life, including his own mind. Even at parties, he was the only sane one while others would run around laughing and yelling. It wasn’t mature at all to let oneself become a babbling idiot, and Light didn’t feel like pissing away all of his brain cells. But adults who were in control could have a few sips, because it made everything around them make more sense. Additionally, he knew he looked good while drinking. It gave him a sense of entitlement. As if to say ‘I could drink this whole glass, but I won’t. Because I know what I’m doing.’

“….They haven’t found anything, yet.” Light swallowed. “They’re thinking of having you come in for an interview, but they need more evidence.”

“What evidence?” Mikami runs his hand through his hair. “I haven’t done anything!”

“Right.”

“Well…I mean, nothing they can trace back to me anyway.” Mikami corrects himself and Light can hear his own internal laughter. 

“They want to talk to that one boy you had over last week.” Light tells him, walking to the window. Mikami has a view of the street, how scenic. The darkening sky makes the headlights shine brighter. “What was his name. Shido?” He doesn’t know the boys name, only that Ryuk told him that another boy was leaving Mikami’s house of horrors.

“Shinji.” Mikami corrects him, like he cares.

“You shouldn’t know his real name. That looks bad. The correct answer was ‘how should I know?’” Light tells him, rolling his eyes. “But then he was leaving your place after midnight, so you’re already fucked in a sense.”

“I thought you said there wasn’t anyone scheduled to watch me last Saturday.” Mikami accuses angrily.

“There wasn’t.” Light moves his drink in his hand, and watches how the poisonous liquid sloshes around the side. It looks like a tiny snow globe. “The report said the neighbors called it in.”

“Neighbors? What neighbors?” Mikami growls, and suddenly runs over to lock his door. Well, that won’t be any good. No one can see them in here anyway, unless they have x-ray vision. Paranoia makes one much less logical. “I bet it was Ms. Habiko, that old hag! Why can’t anyone mind there own damn business?”

Light doesn’t know who that is, but nods slowly. “If you’re going to continue your seduction of children, can’t you at least rent out a hotel?”

“That would only look more suspicious, right? I can’t rent a hotel room for myself four times in a week.”

“Four times?” Light takes another gulp, and breathes out deeply when the burning alcohol hits the back of his throat. His chest suddenly feels warm and fuzzy. “Jesus Mikami, isn’t that excessive?”

Mikami doesn't answer, because he knows what he’s doing. He’ll never admit it out loud, but he’s under no delusions. 

“You worried he’ll talk?” Light asks casually, planting a seed of doubt.

“Shit, I don’t think so.”

“How can you know?” Light counters. “Should I talk to him?”

“Please, what if you scare him away? This doesn’t have to become a bigger deal than it already is.” Mikami sighs, and goes over to sit down on his green couch. His GREEN couch. And not just any green, it’s a forest green. Jesus H. Christ. Mikami can afford it, so why can’t he hire an interior designer? His whole house is a mess, which is sad because the bones of the apartment are actually quite beautiful. It’d be a stunning bachelor pad if one wasn’t completely inept. Next to the couch he has a blue lamp for God’s sake. What’s that all about? When Light gets an apartment, he will have nothing green inside of it. He also won’t have colors that clash. 

“Mikami, please.” Light scoffs. “Am I the type of person that’s scary? No, I know how to play these things believe me. Don’t you want to know if the police are interested in talking to him? And if they do, you need to know what he plans to say.”

“I suppose.” He sighs. “You’ll be discreet?”

Light shoots him a ‘no duh’ look. Mikami always underestimated him. Which is a blessing really, because if the man was a bit wiser he would probably see that Light is playing him like a fiddle.

“It’ll cost you.” Light tells him, because his help is expensive. “I need about 106,000 yen.”

Mikami nods, because the rich bastard can afford it. He thinks Light needs the money for school. But Light has scholarships. He doesn’t need the money, not really. Money is nice, but this is really just entertainment for him. 

“Hyuk hyuk, think of how many apples that could buy!” Ryuk calls out from behind him. Light smirks, and that. Apples have become quite an expense, luckily his mother just believes that he’s on some health kick. 

“That’s why I like you, Light.” Mikami sighs, and comes to stand behind him. Light can feel his hot breath on the back of his neck and tries not to shudder. “I can’t get in trouble for being seen with you.”

*Not anymore.* Light thinks. Mikami doesn’t know that he still has videos from four years ago, though. Light hasn’t decided when he’ll use those. Probably when Mikami finds out that the cops aren’t actually on to him. Light will wave those films in front of his face, and Mikami won’t want to grab the popcorn. No matter if he’s legal now, those videos are damning. 

He’d never actually let the police see those videos, because he’d expose himself in the process. Light doesn’t need his father to see what he’s been up to. That would kill the illusion. But Mikami wouldn’t be willing to test Light, and he’d allow himself to be bribed. As long as you have a big enough bluff, no one will take a chance. That’s Light’s whole life, just a bluff. He’s such a talented actor that only he can tell what’s real and what’s not. No one can see his lack of humanity, and he keeps that under lock and key. No one’s interested in the real him. Everyone comes to the show to see the dancing monkey, not the man behind the curtain. If they saw behind his mask, they wouldn’t like it and leave. Just like HE had. A flawless character is what everyone needs him to be. It adds the perfection and mystery that everyone’s life is missing. 

No one deserved to see behind the mask. And Light would loose all of the power if he let his true feelings slide through. Playing the part is so much easier, and much more beneficial. He’s gotten this far, hasn’t he?

“I’d get in trouble for being seen with you.” Light smirks, turning back around to face the man. “Plus, aren’t I a little old for you?”

Mikami frowns, but places a clammy hand on his shoulder, trailing it down slowly. It makes a chill run down Light’s spine. He’s looking at Light as if he wants to devour him. This would disturb him, but most everyone around him adopts that look at one point or another. Light’s character is one that is highly objectified. It’s who people are, after all. They all give into their base desires. Some are just better at hiding it than others. Mikami knows he’s a scumbag, so he doesn’t bother pretending that this is anything romantic. 

Light has never really understood the whole point of sex. It’s a messy activity, and one that’s not very satisfying. The whole reason sex was created, after all, was to procreate. And since Light’s not interested in making any clones of himself, not at the moment, the whole act is a waste of time. The people who do it only do it to feel temporary satisfaction. Light can find satisfaction in other ways, he doesn’t have to roll around in the sheets to find it. Sex for him is like what money is to others. It’s all about power. People will do anything for you if they’re attracted to you, they’ll do anything to have a chance with him. If he smiles shyly enough and bats his eyes the right amount of times, he could convince a man to kill for him. Light allows himself to be viewed as a prize, because it’s not like the act disgusts him to the point that he’d become ill. It’s just another performance he has to put on. 

Perhaps intimacy means something if you care about the person. Maybe it meant something for him, once. But that was the point where he did it because he needed reassurance that the person loved him. He wanted to do it because, subconsciously, he wanted that person to stay enraptured with him. He wanted them to stay, and without the promise of carnal relations, he feared that the individual in question would grow bored. It made him feel special until he found out the truth. He’s a pretty face and that keeps people around, unless they know better. And HE did know better. So much so that Light’s charms fell flat, and they meant nothing. 

Maybe that’s why people crave coition, because it’s a way to show love. People have twisted it into meaning something. If one cares for a person, they’ll show it in a physical way. Love is complicated, and that’s just one way that people understand it. 

And that’s why everyone wants Light to give himself to them. Because they need some assurance that he cares. If they hold him down long enough, then perhaps he won’t be able to get away. That would only be true if any feelings were involved, which there never is. Not anymore. It takes about thirty minutes out of his day and musses his hair up, that’s it. But it is amusing to watch how into it some will get, so he supposes that there’s a positive. 

“Yikes.” Ryuk comments obnoxiously when Mikami leans in. “I’ll be back later, have fun.” Damned shinigami can see right through him, he knows exactly what this is too. Ryuk and Light are similar in that way. They once had a rousing conversation about the topic of shagging. Ryuk finds all of the little noises and reactions funny. He was impressed how well Light could play the part of a seductress. He knows that it’s just another form of control. He said that Light was different because he understood.

And Light allows his mouth to be smothered, and resists the urge to check his watch. It all feels like nothing. He’s not there in that moment. He thinks of other things, like what he’ll eat for dinner tonight or how to finish his essay on analyzing crime scenes. He’s already come up with a thesis, and has a few solid body paragraphs. He just needs to delve a little deeper into the conservation of evidence and how to do it properly. He’ll need to add some fancy oxford dictionary words to make the professor grow hard. He’s grabbed and it doesn’t faze him. He doesn’t sweat, and he has no reaction. He forces a reaction by thinking of other things. Like how he would kill Mikami.

And this would be a concerning thought, if Light didn’t know the truth. Especially since he was one suspected to be a killer. But Light would never actually kill. Not because he found the act repugnant but because it would bring shame into him if he was ever caught. It was too messy, and much more fun to envision the hypothetical damage you could cause. He’s not interested in getting his hands dirty, and the actual act of committing this crime would probably make him nauseous. Blood is just a pretty picture he paints inside of his mind. There’s a beauty to the human body, and there’s something arousing about the contents inside. It’s so wrong, so horrid to imagine a knife twisting into muscles and hitting bone. The second it becomes real is when it’s no longer entertaining, because then there’s consequences. He would walk away from all of the carnage and go home and sob. 

And when he looks into Mikami’s wide and dazed eyes, he thinks of how they would look lifeless. How for a split second, he would feel powerful. Because he’d be in control of the man’s life, he would decide whether his wretched existence would continue. He could do it, right now. He could wrap his hands around Mikami’s pale neck and squeeze. Tendons and muscle would collapse under his grasp, and he would keep going until his neck was purple and mangled. He would see him gasp for air and keep going. The thought of being able to do it, but knowing that he would never, is enough to make him orgasam. There’s something beautiful about death, because it’s life. It’s taboo and no one ever wants to talk about it, even though they will all experience it. It’s a terrifying thought, not being able to exist as you always have. It’s always around the corner, it’s always waiting to strike. It’s a mystery how anyone will meet their end unless you’ve planned it. Light wonders if this is how Ryuk feels. 

Maybe it’s about control. Yes, Light loves the fact that no one knows what goes on inside of his mind except for him. No one can control his thoughts, or stop them, or shame him for them. When HE told him that everyone was capable of murder, he was wrong. Because Light’s not capable of it, he is perfectly content to simply fantasize. Weaker men would give into their base urges, but Light would never allow himself to do anything that destructive. He is the master of his own mind, and he controls his own life. No one else. Not society, not his father, and not HIM.

He has control, and he’s a polite young man. He’d never kill anyone because it’s not in his nature. But imagination is a beautiful thing.

Everywhere he goes, he always thinks of him. He’s a parasite that has wormed his way into Light’s heart. It’s quite obnoxious how he’ll see his face in mirrors or feel nauseous every time he sees a piece of cake. But not tonight. Tonight all thoughts are on the girl in front of him. She’s leaning forward and has her hands clasped on the table in front of her. But not in an impolite way. Her hands are soft and perfectly manicured, and her nails are a brownish purple color. The color gives her a softness, but also a dignified edge. Nail color is very important. Light has found that nails describe a person. If they are short and rough, that person is very anxious and doesn’t care about appearances. If they are long and black, they must have serious mental problems. Misa always had long black nails. If they are clear, it shows that the person wants to appear smart and softly sexy. But that they are too shy to make any kind of bold statement. Light prefers nudes or subdued colors. Nudes aren’t obnoxious, and imply that the person is professional and classy. Bonus points if their cuticles are trimmed. It shows that they pay attention to detail. 

Kiyomi’s bright blue eyes are illuminated by the soft candlelight, and if Light was a lesser man he would be drowning inside of their depths. But they captivate him, and he finds himself unconsciously leaning in a tad bit closer than he normally would. Misa’s eyes were brown, but she sometimes wore blue contacts. Which was nice, because the only brown eyes that Light liked were his. No one else’s could compare. And blue eyes enthrall him, they can appear soft and doe-like but become cold as ice in an instant. And Kiyomi’s eyes are soft right now, because she’s staring at him. But he knew they could become sharp and cutting at any given second, and he loves that. Any eye color is better than black, anyway. Blue eyes must be the polar opposite of black, so maybe that’s why he likes them. Kiyomi’s eyes are brighter and easier to read compared to HIS. 

Her cherry red lips curve up into a small smile. “This place is beautiful.” She comments, lifting her water glass up to take a sip. She ordered a sliver of lemon to go with it. “You certainly have an eye for restaurants.”

Light shoots her a cheeky smirk. “Well, the atmosphere is part of the dining experience.” He tells her, smoothing the napkin in his lap. “Food just tastes better when you’re surrounded by candle light.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” She tells him. “If this is what a date with Light Yagami is like, I think I could get used to it.”

“I hope you do.”

She giggles but before she can say another word, the waiter is back with their food. They’ve had to wait thirty two minutes, and Light finds that nearly unacceptable. This is a high class restaurant, after all. Their drinks haven’t been refilled once and his is nearly empty. The waiter also attempted to engage them in small talk, so he will not be getting a thank you. Just a stiff nod will be all. Light would consider complaining, but the atmosphere of the restaurant is quite stunning so he’ll ignore it. He hopes the waiter will at least remember to bring them a mint.

“So, when did you realize you wanted to become a detective?” Kiyomi asked idly, delicately picking up a piece of her yellowtail.

“Hm, I guess since forever.” Light laughed. “My father was my hero, growing up. I always admired how he wanted to keep people safe, and a lot of my morals and beliefs come from him. I wanted to be just like him, and I guess that never went away.”

“Your father is an honorable man, from what I’ve heard.” Kiyomi nodded. “I’d love to meet him one day.”

Light felt a genuine smile fall on his face. “I’d love for you to meet him too.”

“So, is it true that you have worked on cases before?”

Light nodded, swallowing his sashimi. It was rich and flavorful, and he suddenly wasn’t as annoyed about the wait anymore. It had been worth it. “A few times, while I was in high school. They usually weren’t too serious, things like insurance fraud. Although…” He lowered his voice and looked around conspiratorially. “Sometimes I’d look at his files and add in a few of my notes. Sometimes that’s how the cases would get solved.”

“Oh wow.” Her eyes widened and she placed a hand delicately up to her mouth. She looked at him as if he was the only man on earth, and he could see how her cheeks flushed in the low light. “Are you kidding? That’s incredible.”

“It was pretty risky, though.” Light shook his head as he remembered. “They thought it was some anonymous detective, and never figured out it was me. I wonder if they had found out, if I would’ve gotten in trouble.”

“Eh, what’s life with a little bit of risk?” She teased. “Is that the wildest thing you ever did?”

“No, that honor would go to working on the Kira case.” Light felt himself say, and then nearly slapped his hand over his mouth. What the hell? How had he just said that so casually? He felt like the village idiot, and expected tar and feathers to fall on him at any given second. No one knew about his involvement besides the Task Force, HIM, and his mother. The Kira case was never spoken of, not even between him and his father. He hadn’t of asked Light any questions besides that one time in the hospital, and Light had been vague with his answers. The Kira case was always the elephant in the room. No one talked about it, and they understood that it was an experience meant to be forgotten. He hadn’t talked about it for two whole years. He avoided anything to do with Kira. He never involved himself in class discussions about the case, and would turn off the news whenever it was mentioned. How had he just told his date about one of his most shameful secrets?

Light tasted bile and resisted the urge to run off to the restroom. 

Kiyomi, however, looked completely awed. Her mouth had fallen open for a split second, before she remembered herself and closed it promptly. Her eyes still sparkled with wonderment, though. And he could tell that she was studying him even more intensely than before, she looked as if she was trying to look into his soul. Light shifted unconsciously.

“Are you kidding?” She breathed out. “That was one of the biggest cases in Japan, maybe in the whole entire world. And you worked on it? How does no one know this? That’s incredible!”

Light breathed in a gulp of air and nervously sipped at his sparkling water. “Ah, I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” He laughed nervously, and felt his entire face go red. “My involvement was meant to be kept confidential.”

Her eyes filled with understanding and she bowed her head. “Oh, I get it.” She told him. “I won’t ask for details but…what was it like?”

Light felt his head throb and his veins filled with ice. Something coiled in his belly and he thought that he might get sick. “It was…enlightening. It was good experience and helped me understand the intensity that comes with detective work.” He told her politely, for these were the lines he had repeated to himself whenever he would spiral. “It was an honor to work on such a prestigious case, and I’ll forever be grateful for it. But….it was scary, because Kira was such a dangerous criminal.”

Kiyomi nodded, and leaned even closer. She looked like a dog drooling over a piece of juicy meat, and he could almost feel how thirsty she was for knowledge. “Is it true that you worked directly with L himself?”

Light felt the blood leave his face and for a moment time seemed to freeze. Hearing his name….it was like a punch to the throat. 

“He’s so elusive.” She continued, not noticing Light’s reaction. “They must’ve thought you were quite something, to let you work alongside the greatest detective in the world. Did he pick you for the job, or were you recommended?”

*Don’t cry, don’t scream.* He silently chanted inside of his head. He couldn’t loose his cool, not in front of the girl he was courting. And he certainly couldn’t let his mask slip in such a public place. He could do this, it wasn’t as if the detective in question was some sort of ghost. He shouldn’t fear him not anymore.

“It…was an honor.” He forced the words out, and made himself smile softly. “I never met him, but my father let me onto the Task Force to look over some of the details. I wasn’t too involved, to be honest.”

“Is he really everything everyone says he is?”

*No.* He thought, bitterly. Everyone thought of him as if he was some kind of hero, like batman. Hell, Light had idolized him back when he was naive and stupid. He had always been impressed with his success rate, and had even hoped to meet him one day. How foolish. Everyone was under his spell, the illusion of what the greatest detective in the world must be like. They all thought he must be brave and smart and honorable. But Light knew the truth. He had wanted to be just like L once, and that was another reason detective work had been his dream. The thought felt like poison inside of his mind. 

“He’s smart.” Is what Light chose to respond with. “But the Kira case still disturbs me to this day. I mean, the sheer amount of people he slaughtered? I’m sorry…it’s kind of hard for me to talk about.” There, he needed to change the subject. If he was asked one more question, he might just turn into sand. 

Kiyomi had the good graces to look cowed, and averted her eyes to her half eaten meal. Light knew that he had barely even touched his, and his appetite had suddenly left him. “I get it. It was quite disturbing, so I understand why that might bring up bad feelings.”

Light cleared his throat and reached forward to take his hand. He prayed for his heart rate to slow down. “Yes, but that’s in the past.” He told her casually. “Now, tell me about yourself. What’s it like to be the Kiyomi Takada?”

She looked up in relief and offered him a saccharine smile, the uncomfortableness forgotten. And as she started to speak, Light nodded along and interjected comments when they were necessary. He was hearing her, but her words sounded as if they were coming from underwater. Instead, he was now plagued by memories. Those shadows lurking in the depths of his mind had been brought into the light, and he couldn’t look away.

It was so unfair, how it seemed he could never escape from HIM. He briefly looked down at his left arm, and it burned with the reminder. It seemed like, for the rest of his life, he would have to bear the burden of Kira. 

And he didn’t deserve that, he really didn’t. He had worked so damn hard to overcome that tragedy. If he hadn’t of possessed so much strength, who knows how he would’ve ended up. It was like a curse he couldn’t shake off. No matter what he was doing, whether he was at a family dinner or sitting inside of a classroom, he could always see his face. He wanted his mind to go blank, for once. Sometimes he wished that he wasn’t Light Yagami. Sometimes he wished that the gun his father pointed at him did go off. Sometimes he wished he would somehow get amnesia, and flirted with the idea of banging his head into a wall until the pain was the only thing he could feel. 

Because he would never forget HIS eyes. HIS smile. HIS deadly promises and poisonous words. How HE had looked in the rain on the last day, all soaked and defeated. He would always remember how HE had told him that he wanted Light to travel the world with HIM. He would always remember how the snake had told him that his soul was attached to Light’s. He would never forget what they shared, and that aching never left his heart. It was always there, like a healed broken bone that would ache on rainy days. He never wouldn’t miss the detective, and wonder what they might’ve been. He would never not feel regret for his actions. He would never not despise his heart for betraying him and feeling love for the man that had tried to destroy him. He had just learned to deal with it. A part of his soul was eternally missing, but it was fine. Because that was life. One must learn to walk through despair with a smile on their face. He was Light Yagami and everything was fine. 

If one didn’t know any better.


	17. The Red String That Connects Us Eternally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, L's point of view! And we also meet Matt, Mello, and Near. Ahhhh I'm so happy to write them into this story, the Wammy's boys hold my heart:')
> 
> But yes, L has come to terms with the fact that he loves Light. And he muses over whether he should try to rekindle their relationship, and if there even is a relationship to rekindle? At the end of the chapter, he makes a bold decision. I hope this didn't seem choppy or sudden, because at this point it's been about two and a half years so...L definitely has had time to reflect. And even he admits that he might be acting irrational, but love makes people do crazy things;)
> 
> Also, special thanks to my sibling for writing the nightmare scene! They write them beautifully, and it just makes my job that much easier haha.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! I live for your reviews and comments, and I can't wait to hear all of your thoughts!
> 
> P.S. This fic has over 200k words now...WHAT?!?!!?! That's insane I could cry (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ Thank you all for your support, it truly means the world to me.

L was currently sitting on his laptop, typing away. He was just about to solve a murder case that had been puzzling him for over two weeks, which was longer than most cases usually took. The bank teller had done it, because he was having an affair with the father’s daughter. Quite simple to figure out, if one had all of the right evidence. The harsh light from the laptop’s screen was burning into his sensitive corneas, but he couldn’t sleep. Not now.

Suddenly, he heard the door creak open. Jumping slightly, he tiredly looked up to see who would be disturbing him at this hour. It was most likely Mr. Wammy. At least, it better be. All of the children should be asleep. It was five am, and only L and the crickets were still conscious. Though he supposed it could be Mello. Sometimes he would get ideas inside of his head at any hour of the day and come in to converse with L. 

“Mr. Wammy?” He called out. A person had stepped inside, but all he could make out was a dark silhouette. The darkness of night provided cover for this individual. “Is that you?”

The figure made no sound, so L knew that it couldn’t possibly be his handler. It didn’t move, either. This person stood by the door, still as stone. As if they were watching him, waiting for something to happen. A chill ran down his spine as the seconds ticked by, and still the mysterious figure made no movement. Had an outsider found Wammy’s? Impossible! But….who was this person?

“Hello?” He called out again, and heard his voice slightly waver. His eyes began to water because he hadn't blinked them for at least two minutes, but he couldn’t help himself. He was on high alert, and every nerve in his body was electrified. He watched this strange figure, never taking his eyes off of them. Half of him hoped that one of the children had simply decided to play a very unfunny joke on him. However, it couldn’t possibly be a child.

Because what child would be that tall? 

The shadow suddenly seemed as if staring right through him, and L nearly flinched. The only feature he could make out of the figure was its piercing eyes. The amber color of the irises seemed familiar, but L couldn’t figure out whose eyes they were. It unsettled and irritated him so much that he almost screamed at them to get out. However, a strange sensation welled up inside of him, making throat feel as if it had been plugged up with cotton.

And then suddenly, the figure spoke.

“Do you blame yourself?”

L’s lungs felt as if they had just shriveled in his chest. His pulse grew unnaturally fast and he felt his eyes widen so much that they nearly felt out of there sockets. No wait. . . that voice, it couldn’t be. . . L felt ill and his stomach churned. He stared in horror as the figure stepped one foot out of the shadows.

He recognized those shoes.

“W-What-?” L finally managed to croak out, his grip becoming deathly tight around the arm rests of his chair.

Black liquid oozed from the shadows.

The figure took another step forward.

“Well it’s quite common in this situation for someone to feel a kind of. . . guilt,”

Something splashed onto the carpet, unnaturally loud.

L felt like vomiting as the voice became more and more recognizable. He breathed in sharply and forced himself to remain as calm as possible. It was hardly working, however. L could feel the muscles in his face twitch and strain with icy horror, his blood becoming like lead in his veins.

A hand reached out from the inky darkness.

“What situation,” he managed to wheeze out.

“The accident,”

The figure stepped fully out of the shadows,

L’s heart stuttered painfully in his chest and a strangled noise fell from his lips. His palms became slick with sweat and he suddenly felt the chair disappear from underneath him. He fell painfully onto the hard floor with a thump, but he hardly felt the sting of pain that shot through him. His eyes burned and he backed up until his back hit the desk. L’s shaking hands were splayed out on either side of him in utter panic and he could no longer keep his stoic mask in place.

“L. . . Light?”

The brunette gave him a bitter smile, tears leaking out of his eyes.

L could hardly believe it. Light Yagami was currently standing in front of him. His stomach did somersaults in his abdomen and it felt as if a hand had coiled around his throat. A million questions raced through his shattered mind and he tried to form a response. However, his mouth felt as dry as hot sand and he could feel pounds of guilt pile up on his shaking shoulders. Light looked completely worse for wear, and it only made L feel sicker. His shirt was wrinkled beyond saving and he looked utterly disheveled. Dark purple was smudged under both of his watery eyes and L hoped to whatever God was out there that the red substance leaking out of the brunette mouth was anything but blood.

“L. . . w-why did you hurt me?” Light suddenly asked, reaching out a shaking hand to hug himself, “Why did you do all those t-things to me?” 

L felt a flash of shock and terror blaze through him, lighting his blood on fire. He jolted forward and reached uselessly out to the other.

“I- no! I was just- You were just-!”

“Are you actually still trying to blame me?” Light asked, aghast. L swallowed past the lump in his throat and he drew his hand back. He averted his eyes and waves of shame washed over him.

“I’m being hurt because of you, you know. . .”

L’s eyes shot back to the brunette and his heart seized in his cold chest.

The trail of red from Light’s mouth became thicker and it splashed onto the carpet, the sound echoing.

“Y-you’re. . .” he trailed off, blinking rapidly. 

“My life was destroyed and is still being destroyed by you, L. I don’t think I can last much longer. . .”

The raven’s eyes widened in terror as an inky black hand suddenly reached out from behind Light and harshly latched onto his shoulder. It’s claw- like digits dug into the other’s flesh and dark red blood spurted from the wound. L felt nausea roll around in his gut and his heart pounded as if it was trying to break free from his chest.

“No!” He screamed, as another hand ripped into Light’s other shoulder, “Stop it!”

The hands did not heed him, however.

Multiple hands raced from the blackness and latched themselves onto Light, nearly covering him. L could feel a scream tear through his throat as the hands ripped unforgivingly through the others skin and muscle. Blood poured out of every wound in the brunette’s damaged body and he staggered, a bittersweet smile still plastered onto his face. L felt bile pool in his gaping mouth as he could see pale bone shine through the blood and torn muscle. Tears welled up in his burning eyes and poured down his face as another hand plunged itself through the other’s midsection, pulling guts out along with it. The hands seemed as if they were wild, hungry dogs that had been waiting to swallow him whole. L could barely even make out what part of Light hadn’t been mangled as the hands continually tore him up. L realized he had not stopped screaming and he could barely make out Light’s final words as he slumped to the ground, the inky hands finally engulfing him completely.

“I’ll never forgive you, L. Never,”

He woke up in a cold sweat, heart pounding. He patted the side of the bed next to him, but as always, he was met with thin air. The brunette boy was never there, yet L always thought he would be when he woke up. He sighed, leaning back into the mattress and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Though the curtains were designed not to let any light inside of his room, he could see a few rays peeking in. The clock on his bedside told him that it was noon, he must’ve fallen asleep for a few hours. Stretching, he despondently looked at his dark ceiling.

*This is why I never sleep.* He thinks, annoyed with himself. Nightmares always plague him, they creep up on him when he is most vulnerable. His dreams of B have been replaced with dreams of Light. And he would find solace in these dreams, seeing as they are the last connection he has to the brunette. However, in all of these nighttime imaginings Light always ends up dead. Or brutalized, or traumatized. He remembers a particularly frightful one where he was forced to watch the boy get flayed alive. He shudders at the memory.

He knew the cause of these horrible visions, of course. It was guilt. Even after nearly three years, he still hadn't gotten over what had happened to Light. What he had caused. The devastation he had left in his wake still ate at him, it gnawed at his insides every chance it got. The thought of Light’s empty brown eyes, his bandaged arm, how he had looked standing under the downpour….the hole in his heart had never completely healed.

And every day he wondered about the boy he had left. Light would be twenty one now, and probably finishing up his third year of college. He wondered if Light still wanted to be a detective. He hoped he did, L hoped that he hadn't ruined that for him. He wondered if now Light lived on his own. Did he have a job? Who was he friends with? Would he have a girlfriend?

L knew the answer to that question, of course he would. Girls flocked to Light like moths to a flame. Light was attractive, and smart, and charming when he wanted to be. Light would have a hard time NOT having a girlfriend. There wasn’t anyone in the world who wouldn’t want to be with Light. Hell, he knew that if he had a sliver of a chance he would move heaven and earth to be with the brunette again. 

He knew Misa and Light had broken up. NO, not because he had been stalking him. Because Misa Amane and Hidekki Ryuga had officially gotten engaged. The news was everywhere, it spread throughout the world like a wildfire. L thought it was absurd that Misa had gotten away with all of those murders, and that she now had real bliss. It seemed unfair, like he and Light were the only ones suffering fall out from the case. He knew that that was his own fault, but still. 

He hadn't stalked Light. He had flirted with the idea, of course. All of his social media accounts were private, but L knew a very talented hacker. But he had forced himself to reject the idea. He had hoped to go cold turkey. L thought that if he didn’t see or think about the brunette, then he would eventually disappear. But he always thought of him. Light was like heroin, and he was a lowly addict. After the first year, L had concluded that the brunette would never not be with him. No matter how much he disliked the memory of the betrayal he himself had committed, it was stuck to him like glue. It was a fitting punishment, in a sense. It was like the greek myth of the man who had been forced to always push a boulder upwards. And no matter how far up the hill he got, the boulder would always roll down. And he would have to restart the mission, until the end of time. L was sisyphus. And Light was his boulder that he would never get to the top of the hill, no matter how hard he tried. 

Light’s ghost followed him everywhere, he was haunted. Whenever a case would be brought to him, he would always imagine Light’s reactions to it. How the brunette would wrinkle his nose at the ghastly crime scene photos. How he would come up with an insightful thought, something that would blow the case wide open. How he would lean over his computer and furiously type away, his eyes focused and determined. Once, he had gotten a case where the suspect had had brown eyes. The eyes weren’t as brilliant as Light’s of course, but the sight still made him nauseous. He had tried to bury himself in work, but it hadn't worked. It never did. Light was always in the back of his mind.

And though it went against his better judgement, today he was going to go to his sixteen year old hacker. He had to, especially after that dream. He couldn’t bear the thought that he had ruined Light. He had to know that he was okay. He had to know that he was doing well. He just had to see him, one more time. The thought of seeing Light’s face after all of these years made his heart race. Even if it was through a screen, he didn’t care.

He rose out of bed and heard his bones crack. He grimaced, he felt like an elderly man. Is this how Mr. Whammy felt? His head felt heavy and L knew that he should probably go and find some coffee, but this couldn’t wait. He needed to see Light, it was like an itch that demanded to be scratched. So he made his way across his room, rubbing his eyes the whole way. 

He reached the door to Matt's room, and he froze. Was this a mistake? It wasn’t as if he had never tried to reach out to Light before. A few months after the Kira case, he had written a letter. It was stupid and he had had a few drinks before hand, and he was still hungover when he dropped it in the mail box. He had poured his heart out to the brunette, and he had begged for forgiveness. He had told Light how much he loved him, and how he couldn’t bear to live without him. He had told Light to write him back, even if it was just to tell him to piss off.

Light hadn't written him back.

Looking back on that whole experience, L could admit that it was quite embarrassing. If he had been in his right mind, he would have never sent Light his drunken ravings. L wasn’t impulsive, and he wasn’t some heartbroken teenager. It should have been obvious that Light wouldn’t want to write him back. The wounds were still too fresh, and Light probably still hated him. It was foolish to believe that Light would have forgiven him on a piece of paper.

*But, maybe he didn’t get it.* L reminded himself, because that was a possibility. He knew that his mother despised him, and she could have intercepted the letter. Even though he hadn't used his real name, maybe she had read it and promptly thrown it into a garbage can. That most likely wasn’t the case, but L had a hard time believing that Light didn’t want anything to do with him. Not because that thought wasn’t likely, because that probably was the truth. He just didn’t like it. 

But then, was this really better? This constant state of limbo, this constant wondering over the brunette? L felt as if he had a pit in his stomach every day, and sometimes he thought his lips had been permanently stapled into a frown. No, he was tired of worrying. He was tired of seeing Light everytime he closed his eyes.

*I just need to know how he’s doing.* L placated himself, raising a slightly shaking hand to knock on the door. *And then I’ll be done. This is just another form of closure.* Yeah, sure. His subconscious knew that seeing Light’s pictures on instagram wasn’t going to help him at all. 

He heard a faint laughing on the other side of the door, until his knock sounded. His coiled fist made the door shake, because of how old it was. He could swear that the paint was peeling, and he sighed. He’d have to ask Roger to get a replacement.

“Oh shit, it’s Roger.* A muffled voice very obviously whispered on the other side, making L roll his eyes. He knew that they were probably supposed to be in class, but he didn’t care. He was on a mission. “You shitheads be quiet!”

“It’s L.” He called out, trying not to sound too annoyed. “Can I come in?” 

“It’s L!” The voice exclaimed. “Aw shit, he’s probably mad that we’re ditching.”

L was about to yell through that he wasn’t, but another voice interjected.

“Mells, go open the door. It’s rude to leave people out in the cold.”

“Why can’t you open it?” 

“Because I’m on level ninety-three sweet cheeks.”

“Did you just call me-”

“I don’t have all day.” L groaned, massaging his temples. He had a feeling that this was a mistake. “And this is of the utmost importance.” He hoped that his successors wouldn’t see through the lie, but they were genii. 

“Hold on!” A voice shouted, and he soon heard loud footsteps nearing towards him. The door was thrown open and he locked eyes with Mello, his blue eyes were wide and guilty.

“Uh, hey L!” He chuckled nervously, shifting from foot to foot. The sixteen year old looked as if he were about to start whistling an awkward tune. “We weren’t skipping! Um, you see Near wanted to hang out-”

“Don’t drag me into this.” Near’s voice interjected, and L looked over Mello’s shoulder. The white haired boy was sitting cross legged holding a rubix cube, and looked bored to death. 

“Shut up you sheep!” Mello muttered quietly, but L heard him loud and clear. He frowned, he had told Mello to get along with Near. He didn’t like two of his successors fighting, though Near didn’t do much of the fighting. He would silently let Mello rant, and then bury his chocolate in an old board game box hours later. 

Thank God Mello and Matt got along. Those two were like two peas in a pod. Wherever Mello was, you could be sure that Matt would be trailing behind him. And L was glad that Mello had someone like Matt who could calm him down. He suspected that Matt was the reason that Mello hadn’t been arrested yet. The cool and collected red head always knew how to calm the feisty blonde down.

“Mello, be nice.” L reprimanded, letting himself in. He was L after all, he wasn’t a vampire who needed an invitation in order to enter a room. He was already anxious enough to ask Matt for his help. “And don’t cuss, you’re not old enough.”

“Yes L, sorry L.” Mello chanted behind him, sounding as repentant as he could manage.

“And close the door, I have a question to ask Matt.”

As the door clicked shut the redhead managed to tear his gaze away from his DS. Which was amazing, for when Matt was playing a game hardly anything could tear him away. The world could be burning around him and he wouldn’t even notice. But since he respected L, he always made sure to give him his undivided attention.

“What’s up?” He questioned, moving his goggles onto his wild red hair. His blue eyes sparkled and he looked very interested, for L hardly ever ventured into his successors rooms. He knew that this must be serious.

And L knew why he never came into the children’s rooms. Especially Matt and Mello’s. It was always messy, no matter what. It was one of those sure things one could bet on if they needed a couple bucks. Matt’s bedspread was almost hanging completely off the mattress, and there was a large dark red strain. L suspected it was ketchup. He was sanding in a sea of clothes that had been strewn onto the floor, and the room smelled as if something was rotting. He wrinkled his nose as he saw a pair of underwear hanging off the lamp. He would rebuke Matt for his uncleanliness, but at this moment he didn’t care. 

“It’s a secret mission.” L told him seriously. Suddenly, a whirl of blonde leaped onto the bed and started clapping excitedly. Matt was jostled from the blonde’s eager movements, but if he was annoyed he didn’t show it.

“What kind of mission?” Mello gasped excitedly, his eyes wide and curious. “Do we get to arrest someone?”

“No.” L shook his head. Why on earth would he send teenagers out to arrest someone? He knew how smart Mello was, but he did have his dumb blonde moments. “I need you to hack into someone’s social media accounts.”

“Who?” Mello questioned as Matt opened his mouth. “Is it a murderer?”

“His name is Light Yagami.” L started, feeling heat rise upon his normally stark white face. “He’s not a murderer, he’s….an old friend.” Yes, he wasn’t exactly thrilled that he had to ask children to stalk his ex lover. But what choice did he have? He hoped they would be wise enough to leave it alone. But knowing Mello, that wasn’t likely. 

“L has friends?” Matt muttered sarcastically, but quickly shut his mouth when he caught sight of L’s disapproving glare. Mello also slapped his arm and L winced, that looked rather hard.

“Shithead, don’t make fun of L!” Mello growled, but Matt didn’t look fazed. He simply grabbed his laptop and started typing.

“Mello is awfully violent today.” Near commented drolly. 

“Shut up Near!” Mello hissed venomously, and his hands balled into fists. “Why don’t you concentrate on your colorful little box, before I make you eat it!”

“Mello, please.” L sighed, really regretting that he hadn't picked up a cup of coffee. “Be nice to Near, and stop hitting Matt.”

Mello looked as if he wanted to argue, but crossed his arms sullenly. “Yes L.” He muttered sullenly. 

“Found him.” Matt suddenly announced, turning the laptop screen towards L. “He was actually pretty easy to hack into. Is this who you were looking for?”

L’s heart skipped a beat, and his mouth felt as dry as a desert as he leaned in closer. There he was, the boy who had stolen his heart. Light Yagami.

He looked exactly as he always had, if not even more attractive. He had aged like fine wine. *He still looks beautiful.* L thought, trying not to appear like he was a schoolboy fawning over the popular boy. Light looked virtually the same, but his cheek bones were more defined. He looked ethereal, he looked like an angel straight from heaven. His bright dark brown locks shone in the sun in one picture, and his hair looked a tad shorter than it had been when L had last run his fingers through it. In another photo, Light was wearing a black cardigan and khaki pants. He was standing in front of a cherry blossom tree, and wore an easy going smile. His amber eyes shined with confidence, but looked darker then L remembered them. He tried not to frown as he continued to scroll through the photos. Most of them were pictures of scenery or shots of him with his family. He saw his mother’s arms wrapped around him in one photo as the two stood in a dock. Light looked happy in that picture, and that made L’s heart fill with warmth. In another photo, Light sat on the beach with a younger girl L recognized to be his sister. The two siblings looked almost identical, though Light’s hair shone like a rich caramel under the sun. The clear blue water sparkled behind him, but L hardly paid attention. His line of vision was solely focused on Light. 

*He looks happy.* He told himself, scanning through the pictures. The captions were relatively normal, they usually described the picture. The captions weren’t sad or dark. *Maybe I didn’t ruin him.* He was relieved that Light wasn’t as mangled as he had appeared in his dream.

Someone had taken a photo of Light in a coffee shop, and the brunette sat at a table surrounded by books and a small white mug. His expression mirrored that of a deer caught in headlights, and L thought that he looked absolutely fetching. His brown eyes were wide and confused as they looked into the camera, and his mouth was curved into a soft smirk. L smiled, reading the caption. ‘Hacked by Haru. Study time + coffee = a perfect day.’

His breath caught in his throat as he landed on a selfie Light had taken of himself. He was standing in what appeared to be a park, and he looked absolutely stunning. His soft brown locks fell across his face and his eyes were hooded seductively. They looked like they contained all of the secrets of the universe, and L wanted to know those secrets. His full, pink lips were molded into a soft smile. And his skin seemed to shine, there wasn’t an imperfection in sight. L felt his heart stutter and had to take a step back to regroup himself. There he was, he was alive and beautiful and appeared normal. More than normal. He was perfect.

“Damn!” Mello suddenly exclaimed, breaking L from his musings. The blonde had come to stand in front of him and was leaning close to the laptop screen. L was momentarily annoyed by how Mello’s blonde head was blocking his view of Light. “Did you date him or something?”

“Erm…” L stuttered out, cursing himself for his obviousness. Mello had whirled around and wore a cheshire grin. L looked over to the window out of embarrassment, and fought the urge to bite the nail off of his thumb. He could feel three pairs of analytical eyes burning into him, and he thought about fleeing from the room.

“Shittt.” Mello whistled. “He’s hot. Didn’t know that you had a thing for pretty boys.”

“Excuse me?” Matt snapped before L could even open his mouth. “We’re literally dating?”

“Aw, come on Matty.” Mello groaned, placing a hand on Matt's shoulder. “Don’t get all butthurt.”

“It’s just odd that you would say that right in front of me.” Matt scowled, moving his laptop from his lap to beside him to fold his arms angrily. L fought the urge to run over and pick it up. “That’s a form of cheating, ya know.”

“Cheating?” Mello sputtered. “It’s not that deep. So what, just because we’re together means I suddenly have to go blind? I can still window shop, you know. I just don’t have any money to buy the goods.”

“You’re such a bastard.” Matt informed him. “That’s incredibly demeaning to myself, and this random kid. You shouldn’t want to ‘window shop’ when you have me in all of my sexy glory.”

“Um-” L tried to interject, but Mello interrupted him. The blonde now had placed his hands on his hips, and looked infuriated. His blue eyes were filled with ice, and L was surprised that Matt didn’t just simply freeze to death.

“You’re acting like such a girl.” Mello told him snarkily, and Matt’s eyes filled with that same frigidness. 

“Hm, a girl? Really Mello?” Matt snapped sarcastically, and adopted a faux thinking pose. He ran his hands over his chin and stared the blonde down. “You’re the one who looks like a two dollar hooker. Marilyn Monroe called, she wants her hair back!”

“FUCK YOU!” Mello suddenly screamed. L flinched, the blonde’s voice seemed to make the walls shake. “My hair’s NATURAL and sexy! You’re the one who wears fucking stripes, yuck!”

“Don’t make fun of my stripes!” Matt gasped, putting his hand over his heart and actually looking quite offended. “You know who I think is hot? Brad Pitt! Yeah! How does that feel?”

“Brad Pitt looks like a hairless cat.'' Mello told him with authority, stomping his foot harshly. “And that doesn’t bother me, you whoreson! You would never have a chance with Brad Pitt.”

“Ha! And you have a chance with a random Japanese man?” Matt demanded. Mello’s shoulders shrugged languidly as his lips stretched into a wicked grin.

“Maybe I’ll hit him up, since L’s done with him.” Mello sniffed. And L felt his blood turn into fire, and had to resist the urge to slap the blonde upside the head. He was a kid, after all. L wasn’t violent towards the orphans, but Mello was testing him.

“You should start showing me the respect I deserve.” Mello told him haughtily, and Matt suddenly let out a loud laugh. It was dry and mocking and made Mello’s eyes narrow into tiny little slits. 

“Yeah right, I’m the only one who would put up with your crazy.” Matt rolled his eyes. “And you don’t know what he’s like, I bet he’s a total asshole.”

That was the last straw. L felt his last bit of patience melt away and he saw red. “He’s not an asshole!” L snapped, but felt all of that anger die inside of him as the three boys turned their owlish gazes onto him. L felt like a court jester. 

“Ooooh we know what that means!” Mello sang obnoxiously, forgetting his previous anger. “L has a boyfriend! L has a boyfriend!”

“My, I never would’ve thought of L as a romantic individual.” Near commented thoughtfully, turning one of the tiny blocks in his small hands. L felt his eye twitch.

“So, tell us details!” Mello demanded, sitting on the bed and folding his arms thoughtfully. Even Matt looked interested, and nodded enthusiastically. L sighed. 

“There’s no details.” L told them, shortly. “We knew each other a long time ago.”

“You two broke up?” Matt frowned, and L awkwardly nodded. Mello’s expression soured.

“That’s no fun.” He grumped, his bottom lip stuck out into a pout. 

“Why did you want to look him up then?” Near questioned thoughtfully, making L’s heart drop. He swallowed awkwardly, slowly looking down at the small albino boy. Near’s dark charcoal eyes probed into his knowingly, making L feel quite small.

“Don’t tell me you’re an obsessive ex!” Matt complained. “Wait, do you want me to see if he’s dating someone new?”

“No!” L snapped, quite hastily. “No uh...I just had a dream about him as all.”

He realized that this was the wrong thing to say, for Mello gasped very dramatically. He clutched onto Matt’s arm and quickly looked L up and down. “You love him?” He crowed, and L quickly shook his head.

“No!”

Matt shook his head disbelievingly. “Uh huh.” 

“You should message him!” Mello suggested, making L’s insides sour. “Matt, send him a DM!”

“Absolutely not!” L frowned, his pulse racing. His heart felt as if it was beating inside of his throat. “No I...just needed to see him.”

“Why?” Near questioned.

“Because he still loves him, obviously.” Mello flipped his hair obnoxiously, scowling down at the younger boy. “You wouldn’t know, Near. Only cool, sexy people have relationships.”

“I am still thirteen years old.” Near pointed out, but Mello waved his hand dismissively. 

“You should go to Japan L!” Matt suddenly suggested, and Mello nodded furiously. “You should make a grand gesture!”

“Yes!” Mello jumped up and down, making L feel dizzy. “You should L, that’d be soooo romantic.”

“I will not be doing that.” L informed them stiffly, and he felt his heart begin to ache. “That is a horrible idea.”

“No it’s not.” Matt frowned. L mirrored his expression and he brought a thumb to tug at his bottom lip. *Of course they would think something as simple as a ‘grand gesture’ would be enough, L scoffed internally, they just do not understand the gravity of what happened all those years ago. . .*

“Is there something more that is stopping you from reconnecting with the man?” Near suddenly questioned, throwing L off guard. He scowled deeply and looked away. Perhaps it was foolish of me to bring this topic up with children. If he told them the full situation, then they surely would despise him. 

“Shut up, Near!” Mello shouted, interrupting L’s musings “No one asked you, so-”

“But he is right,” Matt drawled, cutting Mello off. The blonde whipped around to give the redhead a murderous glare, however Matt continued.

“Because, like, if you care about this guy enough to be stalking his profile and dreaming about him, he obviously still means something to you, right?”

Matt's words felt like a punch to the gut, however, L subconsciously knew that he was right. He still cared about Light. And, frankly, caring wasn’t even the half of it. L had never really been the same after meeting the brunette, that was for certain. The raven frequently wondered what would have happened if they had never crossed paths, however all of those thoughts usually left him feeling even more guilty. Because, most of the things he could come up with usually ended up with Light living a happier, non- scarred life.

Non- scarred in more ways than one. . .

L dismissed that thought with a grimace and a small shake of his head. He hated thinking about what had ended up happening because of him, blood splashed across the tiles, shards of gleaming glass everywhere-

“So, should I take your silence as proof that there is something else going on? Perhaps another reason you do not want to see him?” Near pressed, dark eyes glinting with curiosity.

“Was it a really painful breakup or something?” Mello asked, still looking annoyed at the redhead. L shot the blonde and Near a slightly withering look both settling deeper into his chair with a small huff. 

“You could say that,” L commented vaguely. The three children looked at him, expressions wry.

“How are we supposed to help you with your boy problems if you won’t tell us what else is going on?” Matt said, his mouth curling into a small smirk. 

“I hardly asked any of you for relationship advice,” L scoffed, feeling irritation and embarrassment warm his cheeks.

“Technically you asked us to help you hack into your ex boyfriends account, so you were practically begging for advice.” Mello butted in, and L resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Did he break your heart or something?” Matt wondered, playing with his shirt sleeve. L grimaced and looked up at the ceiling. 

“It was my fault.” L began, not even knowing why he was telling children this. Maybe he just needed to get it off of his chest. Maybe he needed a reason to stay in England and not go after Light. Because after looking at those photos, that thought was becoming more tantalizing by the second. Yes, if he could get on a plane and go back to Light, if he could just apologize after all of this time…

“I don’t know if he’d want to see me.” L admitted in a small voice, mostly talking to himself. No, going to Japan was a terrible idea. What if he triggered Light? What if the brunette’s hatred had grown and he kicked L out flat on his ass?

“Well, have you tried reaching out to him?” Near questioned.

“I wrote him a letter, years ago.” L sighed, shaking his head. He pushed his raven locks away from his face and began to massage his forehead. “He never wrote me back.”

“Maybe if he saw you in person, things would be different.” Matt suggested. L looked up to find the red head looking at him sympathetically and the pit inside of his stomach grew. 

“Yeah.” Mello chimed in, his wide blue eyes bright and determined. He leapt off of the bed and started pacing, waving his hands excitedly. “Whenever Matty and I get into a fight, we just apologize. You could do that! Just tell him you’re sorry for whatever you did, and-”

“You think I haven’t tried to apologize?” L snapped, before hanging his head. He shouldn’t be taking his anger out on his wards, they didn’t deserve it. They were still kids, no matter how smart. They still saw the world through rose-colored glasses, in a sense. At least when it came to love. They hadn’t experienced all of the horrors that he had. 

“Sorry.” He murmured, raising his thumb to his mouth to nibble at. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. But, I don’t think anything I could say would make much of a difference.” Yes, he had to accept that. Words were just words, and they didn’t change a person’s actions. What else could he say that he hadn’t already? There was no reason that Light should take him back. He had probably forgotten about L, anyway. Light had a life now, and he looked to be doing just fine. L just needed to let him go. Wasn’t that what true love was? Light had said there was no hope for them, after all. He had said Sayonara. 

So, why couldn’t L forget about him? Why could he feel him everywhere?

“But did you mean it when you said sorry?” Matt asked. “Sometimes the people you hurt need to see that you’re truly sorry, and that you’re willing to put in the work to change.”

“Jesus Matty, did you get that off of a snapple bottle cap?” Mello joked, ruffling the red head's hair.

But L felt these words seep into him. They swirled around in his brain like some tropical storm, making him dizzy. His chest felt lighter all of a sudden, like he could breathe again. Change. 

Was that something L was capable of? He had changed, hadn’t he? He was a twenty six year old man after all. And it had been years, after all. Maybe he had taken the wrong approach by leaving Light. Because that clearly hadn’t helped the problem at all. No, he had run away and left Light to deal with the fall out. A sick feeling wormed itself into his chest. Had that been a mistake? Maybe. Yes. He should’ve stayed, he should’ve shown Light his repentance. He should have helped the brunette after all that had happened, he should have been there for Light. 

But instead, he had abandoned him. He had left him all alone, after he had betrayed him. After he had lied and used him, Light must’ve thought that L truly was indifferent. L had run away with his tail between his legs, thinking that if he ignored the ugliness it would fade away. But it hadn’t, it had stayed. L felt like he could punch himself. How could he have been so daft? He had let the problem fester, instead of trying to heal. 

No wonder Light hadn't responded to his letter! At this point, he wondered if the brunette had even read what he had to say. He probably scoffed at the paper, thinking it was all lies. Light had no reason to trust him, because L had shown himself to be a liar. And he had hid, instead of talking things out and trying to make it better. He didn’t take true responsibility, and he hadn't shown Light how much he loved him. Light didn’t know how L ached at night, how L’s heart yearned for his even after all of this time. Light didn’t understand his love, because he hadn’t been there. He had stuck the knife in, and left Light to bleed out. He scowled at himself, thinking of that pathetic apology. No, he should’ve done better.

Was it too late? Was that the answer to all of this ugliness? Should L...could L, find him and attempt to make things right?  
Against his better judgement, L promptly stood up from his chair. His legs were shaking and his lungs felt as if someone had tied a shoelace around them, but he was determined. He had stood up so quickly that stars danced in his vision, but he made the way across the room with a purpose.

“Where are you going?” Near questioned as L laid his hand on the door knob.

And L felt his heart beat faster as he turned to look at the three boys. A sense of euphoria that he hadn’t felt in years had made its place in his heart. “I’m going to Japan.”

He heard the boy’s cheering and excited mumbling as he exited the room, trying not to slam the door in all of his excitement. This wasn’t a good idea, if he was thinking rationally he would have known that. But, he had to try. He couldn’t allow himself to feel this way anymore. Maybe enough time had passed. Maybe Light had found a way to forgive him. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He had to see the boy, at least one more time. He was L for God’s sake, he could solve anything. 

He was dancing with danger, but he just couldn’t help himself. The music was too tempting.

As he padded down the hallways to Mr. Whammy’s room, a memory suddenly came to him. It tugged at his heartstrings and made him stop cold in his tracks.

“Do you think soulmates exist?”

L looked over at the brunette in surprise. It was late at night, and L had thought that Light was asleep. He had stopped typing away on his laptop and had closed his eyes, just before the brunette spoke. L looked over and could make out Light’s brown eyes shining. L shifted uncomfortably, yawning and turning over to face the boy.

“Where’s this coming from?” He questioned. The light from his laptop illuminated Light, and he saw his shoulders rise and fall carelessly.

“Just wondering.”

“I….” L hesitated. Did he believe in soulmates? He probably should say he did, otherwise Light would think that L really didn’t love him. L couldn’t have him thinking that. But the idea that something so intimate really existed? It was ludicrous. L didn’t believe in true love, because he knew people. Love was a chemical reaction that spurred other’s on to mate. Or it was used as a distraction from the troubles of life. Many didn’t want to be lonely. Companionship was something erv human craved. But, still. He didn’t think love could exist within mere people.

“I think that everyone has someone that makes their life complete.” L answered, and felt a strange sensation well up in his chest. 

“Am I that someone to you?” Light asked.

Without a second thought, L nodded. Which shocked him, because this was all make believe. Nothing he felt for Light was real, right? He was L, he conned and used his suspects to get confessions. He hadn’t genuinely cared for anyone since...B. And what a mistake that had been. No, L knew that he didn’t have a heart. 

But, why did he feel this way about Light? Because the more he thought about it, he couldn’t imagine the brunette not being by his side. It had become a comfortable routine, one that L didn’t want to give up. He felt content with Light, he felt...dare he say happy? The world seemed brighter with Light, and he didn’t know why. His presence was vital to L, he somehow knew this.

He took Light’s hand in his own. Light’s hand was soft and warm, and squeezed his tightly in return. L’s eyes locked with Light’s, and he felt as if he could see eternity in those brown orbs. He felt a small, but genuine smile creep onto his face.

“If such a thing exists, then you’re my soulmate.”

And even though L hadn't known it, he was honest back then. And he still felt the same way. He looked down to his hands and could almost see the metaphorical red string attached to his pinky finger. And if he followed that string, he knew who he would find at the end. He knew where his love would take him, and he wasn’t scared of that. Not anymore. He loved Light more than anything, more than he had ever loved anyone. He couldn’t explain it, and maybe that was okay. Maybe all that was left to do was to accept it, and let his heart take the reins. Light was a vital part of his existence, he was someone that L no longer wanted to live without. 

His hand didn’t hover over his handler’s doorway, and he walked in with ease. His stomach was doing nervous flip flops but his head felt clear. He felt something burning inside of his chest, and knew that this is what love must feel like. Love was risky, but it was a risk he was willing to take. No matter how foolish this may seem, he had to go see Light. He had to get a part of his heart back.

“Mr.Wammy? I need you to find me a case in Japan.”


	18. Nous Nous Retrouvons, Mon Amour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii how are you guys? Good? Ready for another chapter? It's the one we've all been waiting for, the reunion! Which goes...about as well as you'd expect. And Mikami is an actual psycho, confirmed:/ I wanna punch him....
> 
> What do we think? Will Light get over his pettiness? Will he get the rest of his money? Does Light actually hate soup? Read on to find out:))
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and as always I look forward to all of your thoughts and comments ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡

*This was a mistake.* L told himself, anxiously wringing his hands together. *This is so, so, so DUMB!”

He was currently standing in front of a door like a jehovah’s witness. His stomach was tied into knots, and he felt like he was going to hurl chunks all over the dark chocolate colored door. His mind was loud, and his thoughts were in a big jumble. If his brain had been an office, then all of the files would currently be in disarray. They’d be scattered all over the floor. Parts of his brain felt as if they were on fire. He should just leave, while he had the chance.

But, had he really come all of this way for nothing? Well, not nothing because he had solved a case. But the case had taken him twelve hours, so. He knew he didn’t have to come to Japan for the case, because he could’ve solved it in his sleep. Usually, L didn’t take on such trivial cases. *I mean, how could no one see that the husband did it?* He thought. Uxoricide was very common and the husband had been quite sloppy in his killing. He had left the knife buried in his garden, for Christ’s sake. L had come to Japan for much more than a homicidal spouse upset about his wife’s infidelity. 

And, he knew that he had been given a few deferrals. If L believed in fate, he would think that some higher power was telling him to not bother Light Yagami no matter what.

First, the hotel hadn’t of left him a mint on his pillow. Whenever hotels forgot to do that, L knew that he was destined for bad luck. He had had to deal with jet-lag and bad breath until Mr. Wammy had returned with some peppermint patties. 

Then, he had found out that the sweet cafe closest to him had closed. Mr. Wammy had been forced to drive an hour away to get L some decent strawberry shortcake. And it wasn’t as good as he remembered it. 

He had then went over to Light Yagami’s house. He still had the address in the Kira files, fortunately. He had been nervous the whole way there and had nearly sweated a bucket. He had loitered behind some bushes for about twenty five minutes, desperately trying to work up the courage to go and ring the doorbell. It was quite a gamble, because if Light answered he’d either start yelling or slam the door. If Sachiko answered she’d probably punch him in the face and call the cops.

Luckily, when he had finally crawled his way up to the door, Soichiro had answered. And he didn’t know about what had happened between him and Light, because L hadn’t of told him. And judging by the smile on Soichiro’s face, Light hadn’t let anything slip either. If he had, L would probably be sitting six feet under. 

Soichiro had been surprised, but in a pleasant way. He thought that L had come to handpick him for another case. Which was a little narcissistic, but whatever. L had simply shook his head and told the chief that he was in town for another case, and that he thought he would play catch up with an old friend since he was already in Japan. Light and him were friends, at least in Soichiro’s eyes. So, it wasn’t that odd, right?

Soichiro obviously didn’t think this was strange, because he had smiled in a fatherly way and told L that Light would probably be thrilled to see him. L wished he could share that belief. Unfortunately, Light didn’t live at the house anymore. L knew he must have visibly deflated, but the chief assured him that the brunette was still in the area. 

“He moved into an apartment, one that was closer to To-Oh.” Soichiro had said. “He wanted freedom, and all of that nonsense.”

L understood, because Light was twenty one years old. It would be rather odd if he still lived with his parents. And Light was ambitious and independent, so it was no surprise that he’d want to strike out on his own. L should’ve known better, and almost slapped himself upside the head for not thinking of asking Matt to find his new address. 

Luckily, Soichiro had been more than happy to provide L with his new address. So while Light moving away should’ve been a sign to turn back, it hadn’t of changed his mind. If anything, now that he had his new address, it was like the universe was begging him to go and see Light. He had been given the green light, essentially, so L looked at this experience as a blessing. 

And after a thirty minute train ride, he now stood outside of Light Yagami’s apartment. The summer breeze blew through his hair and he smelled the distinct sent of flowers. Light now apparently lived in a small unit that was very modest, nothing like the grand tower L had imagined he would reside in. It was a tan little building, and it was surrounded with luscious green shrubs. The neighborhood seemed to be quiet from what L could tell. 

Swallowing all of his doubts, he raised his fist and softly knocked at the door. He heard foot steps approaching and suddenly had the urge to hurl himself behind one of the bushes.

*Act calm, be cool, don’t panic, don’t scream, don’t-*

The door opened, and L nearly jumped out of his skin. But when he registered the figure in front of him, his fear was replaced with confusion. The women stood behind the door, and smiled at him softly. She had short black hair and wide blue eyes that stared at him quizzically. L resisted the urge to pull the address out of his back pocket. He had a photographic memory, how had he gotten the address wrong?

“Can I help you?” The woman asked politely, and L was snapped out of his inner musings. 

“Does Light Yagami live here?” He blurted out, before mentally kicking himself in the shin. Well, that could’ve sounded smoother. 

She tilted her head and nodded. L’s heart sank, this must be his girlfriend. He cursed himself for being shocked by this fact, because he knew that Light wouldn’t be single. *It’s not like I was hoping he’d wait for me…* L thought, annoyed. Plus, Light hadn’t exactly of been available when they first got together.

So, why did he feel a lump in his throat?

“He does. May I ask who you are?”

L nodded, plastering an easygoing smile on his face instead of a grimace. “I’m an old friend, you may call me Ryuzaki.”

“Ryuzaki.” She repeated, slowly. As if trying to remember the name. She wouldn’t, because he knew Light had definitely never mentioned him before.

“We worked on a case a few years ago.” He explained. “I don’t live in Japan, but I came back for a case and thought it might be nice to catch up.”

Her eyes lit up in understanding and she held the door open, inviting him in. “Ah, i see. Well, make yourself at home. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you.*

L doubted that, and almost laughed. But he dipped his head and made his way into the apartment. He took off his shoes and looked around Light’s home. 

He was standing on top of rich chestnut hardwood, and the walls were painted a soft cream color. A black leather couch sat before him with a glass coffee table seated in front of it. A flat screen television was in front of the couch and he saw that on the opposite side there was a pair of french doors that led to a balcony. Some pictures of Light and the girl were hung on the wall. A faint smell of cherries wafted through the house, and L smiled to himself. Light had done well.

“You may call me Kiyomi, I’m his girlfriend.” The woman told him, leading him to the kitchen. A small island was in the middle, and he took a seat on one of the chairs. Minding his manners, he didn’t draw his knees up to his chest. The appliances were black and the cupboards was white, as well as the tiles floors. A basket of fruit sat directly across from him, filled with red apples.

“It’s nice to meet you Kiyomi-san.” He told her, lying through his teeth. His nerves were alive with energy, and the pit inside of his stomach was steadily growing. A window from across the kitchen let in the soft sunlight. 

“The pleasure is all mine.” She told him cordially, moving over to the stove. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Please, if you wouldn’t mind.” He hoped she was going to make tea with caffeine in it, his head was throbbing.

“Not at all.” She smiled, and poured some water into a kettle. “How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”

“About three years.” He told her, resisting the urge to bite his thumb. Kiyomi seemed like a prim and proper person, one who would not appreciate bad table manners. “I travel a lot, so we’ve kept in contact over email.”

“Ah, I see.” She told him, opening a cupboard to pull out a canister of what he suspected was the tea. “Well, it’s always an honor to meet one of Light’s friends.”

“Is he here?” L questioned, looking quickly around the apartment. There was no sign of a striking brunette anywhere.

“He’s sleeping at the moment.” She explained, and L felt his heart fall. But he just nodded in understanding. He felt bittersweet relief seep through his bones, maybe he wouldn’t have to deal with a confrontation. But he was also filled with sadness, thinking that his trip had been in vain. 

“Well, not sleeping.” Kiyomi corrected herself, brushing a strand of hair away from her eyes. “He’s resting. He has a headache, he says. Light wouldn’t sleep in the middle of the day.”

*Hm, a headache.* L mused. He had never known Light to cat nap before, and he hoped he wasn’t overworking himself. Kiyomi seemed to think this was undignified, judging from her response. 

“He’s not usually like this.” She continued on, pulling out two white mugs. “I think it also has something to do with the injury he obtained last night.”

Oh, L’s ears perked up at that. He felt his heart beat inside of his throat. “Oh, what injury?” He asked, trying to sound casual. He hoped it was nothing serious.

“He fell down the stairs, bruised his eye a little bit.” She chuckled, shaking her head slightly.

*Yeah, right.* L felt his eyes narrow. Light wasn’t clumsy, and who had ever heard of someone getting a black eye via stairs? No, that was a lie. Had someone hurt Light? Who? His mind raced with questions but he allowed himself to let out a small amused huff of air. “Oh, that sounds…intense.”

“It was.” Kiyomi sighed, pouring the tea into the cups. “Light usually isn’t that clumsy, I think exams have been stressing him out.”

Light was graceful, not clumsy. And stress from exams hadn’t caused a black eye, so L would have to get to the bottom of this. But not now. Now, he was playing house guest. He graciously accepted the mug, and didn’t ask for sugar. Kiyomi didn’t bring any out, and he assumed she was a bit of a health nut judging from the copious amount of apples that were on the counter. He tried not to show his dismay as he sipped on the liquid. Yuck, it tasted like toilet water. He thought he might die from the lack of sugar this beverage offered.

“Is it good?” Kiyomi questioned thoughtfully, sitting down on the chair next to him. “It’s sencha tea, I bought a new brand yesterday.”

L nodded, flashing her a small smile. “It’s delicious.” He told her earnestly, and he felt his nose grow an inch. He was going to eat a pound of straight sugar as soon as he returned to the hotel. 

“So, how long have you and Light been dating?” He asked conversationally as he sipped on his tea. What he really meant was ‘how serious is it?’

She smiled and traced her finger around the rim of the cup. “About eight months.” She gushed, and L smiled even though his heart fell into his stomach. If only he had come nine months earlier….

“I know it probably seems rash to move into together after such a short time of dating.” She continued on. “But Light was going to move out of his parents house, anyway. And at the time I was having trouble with a psychotic roommate. Like, this girl was crazy. She would sing to herself in the mirror and left socks everywhere!”

L nodded and gave her a small laugh. He didn’t care, Kiyomi’s voice sounded like white noise to him.

“So rather than us find two separate apartments, we figured it’d be much more sensible to rent one together.” She finished, delicately lifting her cup to her pink painted lips.

“I see. Well, your home is lovely.” He said, looking around. A small clock ticked over the stove.

“Thank you.” She blushed at the compliment, and self-consciously looked around. “Light actually has an eye for interior design. Can you believe it? I thought I’d have to do all of the work, but surprisingly we have quite similar taste. The only thing we clashed about was the coffee table, and I think that we made the right choice in the end.”

L took a sip of his tea and tried not to choke. He opened his mouth to make another pointless comment, but he suddenly heard a doorbell chime.

"Oh, that must be his sister.” Kiyomi excused herself and walked over to the door. “I have to go to class, and I needed her to watch over him. You know, in case his headache gets worse and he needs to go to the hospital.”

L thought that was a bit of an overreaction. Light wasn’t helpless, and unless his black eye was caused by a falling rock, he doubted it was anything fatal. 

*Light got himself a mother bird, lovely.* He thought sourly, as Kiyomi returned with a younger brunette girl. L recognized her to be Sayu. She had dark brown hair that fell over her shoulders in voluptuous waves, and her brown eyes resembled Light’s. They didn’t hold that same sparkle and depth, but L knew that they were related. She carried a small book bag in and sat down on the couch, flashing L a soft but quizzical smile when she noticed him.

“This is Ryuzaki-san, he’s one of Light’s friends.” Kiyomi explained, making introductions. “Ryuzaki-san, this is Sayu-chan.”

L gulped, and nervously raised a hand. He hoped Light’s sister didn’t know about him. That would make this visit go from awkward to downright terrible. Luckily, she smiled brightly and dipped her head in greeting.

“Hello.” She greeted, pulling out a textbook and notebook. “Kiyomi-san, is Light still sleeping?”

Kiyomi nodded, and Sayu giggled. 

“Good, makes me job easier.” She joked. “Light gets cranky when he has a headache.”

L almost laughed, but smiled politely. Light could act bitchy when he wanted to. He could imagine Light groaning and asking for soup, and dramatically acting like he was on death’s doorstep. God, he missed him. He wanted to go into the next room, but knew the women would think that he was rude if he disturbed Light’s slumber.

“Would you like some tea?” Kiyomi questioned. L wanted to tell her not to bother, that he had drank lake water tastier than this concoction. 

“No thank you.” Light’s sister shrugged, picking up a hot pink iPod. “I have a paper due tomorrow, and I haven’t even started on it! I’ve been procrastinating for too long.”

Kiyomi nodded and returned to her seat. “So, what’s it like traveling?” She asked him, lifting up her glass to take another sip of tea.

L was about to respond but before he could even open his mouth, a loud sound suddenly cut him off. The sound of some electro-pop beat filled the room, and seemed to make the walls shake. It made L freeze in his seat, and he gritted his teeth. He could almost hear his brain melting.

Kiyomi seemed shaken as well, and her eyebrows furrowed in displeasure. “Sayu-chan!” She yelled over the music, rattling L’s cage even more. “Turn that music down! Light’s sleeping.”

“Please, Light could sleep through a tsunami.” Sayu called back. “He’ll be fine.”

Kiyomi frowned and was about to respond, but another voice cut her off.

“Turn that shit off!” A muffled voice called from another room, making L’s heart skip a beat. Oh, he suddenly felt faint. That was Light’s voice. It was quieter due to the walls, and sounded angered and husky, but it was his. After three years, he had heard Light again. L felt as if he could run a marathon right at this very second, and adrenaline pumped through his veins. Light was just on the other side of that wall.

“You heard him.” Kiyomi sniffed, breaking him out of his daze.

“Jeez, Light ruins all of my fun.” Sayu complained, but turned the volume down. Not by much, however, and L felt as if he was going to fall out of his seat. “He just doesn’t appreciate good music."

“If that’s what you call it…” Kiyomi muttered, smirking. Her eyes suddenly grew wide as she looked over at the clock. “Oh, it’s later than I thought.” She gasped, rapidly rising out of her seat. “I should be going-“

Suddenly, a door swung open. And L saw him storm into the room angrily. It was Light, in the flesh. L felt as if he could die right in that very moment, and wondered if his heart had stopped. All of the air had left his lungs and he struggled not to gasp. Light was here, Light was in the living room, Light was a couple yards away from him. 

His brown hair was mussed and he had a nasty purple bruise adorning his eye, but that didn’t matter. Not in this moment. L saw his face, he felt his presence so strongly that all he wanted to do was run over an envelop Light inside of a hug. Clearly Light had been sleeping, for his perfect face was flushed and he was wearing a plain black long-sleeve and sweat pants. But he still managed to look as stunning as the last time he had saw him. Light truly was his angel. L couldn’t even hear the music anymore, he could only stare at the brunette he had left so many years ago.

Light’s wide caramel eyes blazed with annoyance and he crossed his arms, glaring at Sayu. “Dammit Sayu, that sounds like rubbish!” He snapped. “I asked you to turn that off. What does a guy have to do to get some rest around here? I’ve had a very stressful night and-“

“Light, it’s okay. Sayu-chan just wear headphones.” Kiyomi commanded stiffly, walking over to place a hand on Light’s shoulder. “We have company.” She hissed in a low and mortified voice, and gestured her head over in L’s direction. L gulped, and suddenly felt dread fill his being. Uh oh. Light was already mad, and after he noticed him….

Light’s eyes narrowed in confusion and he looked over to L. And Light’s face suddenly lost all of it’s color, and he took a step back. He looked L up and down and rubbed his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Light looked as if he had just seen a monkey come into his kitchen and propose to him. L could see how his brown orbs filled with shock, bewilderment, and disbelief. L gulped and resisted the urge to run out of the door. He couldn’t of shocked Light more if he had come in wearing a tutu and singing show tunes.

“It’s Ryuzaki-san, your old friend.” Kiyomi reminded him, obviously not catching his reaction. She walked over to the door and picked up a black book bag. “I’ve got to go, call me later because I need to know what to pick up for dinner. Love you!” She blew him an air kiss, and disappeared. 

“Wha-” Light stuttered, looking L up and down. He looked as if he had just woken up in a lions den, and he looked around the room nervously. L felt his heart pound painfully inside of his chest, but all of his words had left him. Light’s wide amber eyes locked onto his, and the intensity they held made L feel weak.

“Perfect!” Light threw his hands up, startling L and Sayu. “Just….fuck!”

“Jesus Light, I’ll put on headphones…” She trailed off, thinking his words were meant for her. 

“Who on earth did I piss off in a previous life to deserve this!?” Light ranted, running his hands through his hair wildly. “Fuck it all! Fuck everything!”

“Are you okay? Light…do you want soup?” She asked, uncertainty coating her voice. She looked at Light as if he was a mad dog with rabies, frothing at the mouth. Her brown eyes were filled with alarm. Now would probably be a good time for L to say something, but all he could think of was ‘Hi’.

“Soup?” Light shrieked. “Soup? Fuck the soup! I…” He trailed off, realizing that he was creating a scene. “I’m going back to bed!” His eyes were now burning with anger. He glared at L for a long moment, before hastily making his exit. The door slammed and L felt his bones shake.

*Well, that went better than I expected.*

“What crawled up his ass and died?” Sayu huffed, turning back to her paper. “I didn’t know music would make him that riled up! I mean, listening to music is the only way I can work!”

L swallowed awkwardly, and got up off of his chair. His bones creaked in protest and a worm of dread made it’s way into his heart. “Uh, I’ll go see if he’s okay.” L stuttered. “Maybe just wear headphones.” He didn’t want her to hear this next part.

Sayu just nodded and stuck her headphones in her ears, making L breath a sigh of relief. He hoped Light wasn’t too mad…maybe he was just surprised?

Ha! L almost laughed himself out of the apartment. Going into Light’s room would just bring more trouble, it was going into the belly of the beast. Light’s horrified reaction obviously meant that he didn’t want to see L, but the raven didn’t care. He hadn’t come all of this way to hear Light scream about soup. What did he have against soup? Ah, no matter. Hopefully they could have a calm and reasonable conversation, one where they could hash all of their issues out….. 

But probably not. What was probably going to happen was Light was going to scream at him, maybe punch him, and then send him on his merry way. But L could always hope. His face felt hot and his fingertips tingled as he slowly made his way over to Light’s closed door.

Light flung himself onto his bed and resisted the urge to scream into his pillow. Had Kiyomi slipped pain medication into his green tea? Was he hallucinating? Was this another nightmare? Light hoped it was another nightmare. Because if not, that meant L was actually sitting out in his kitchen. That meant that L was actually drinking a fucking cup of tea and making small talk with his girlfriend. The thought made Light ill. 

Why now? After three bloody years, why had that bastard decided to find him now? Light felt like he had just been kicked in the stomach. He was safe here. That’s what he thought. He had thought that moving in with Kiyomi was a step in the right direction. He had thought he was finally getting over L, and living his life. But after seeing L sitting in his kitchen, seeing his wild raven hair and dark onyx eyes, seeing his plain white shirt….He felt as if his heart was going to explode. 

The calming wave noises that filled the room weren’t doing anything to soothe him, and he was just glad Ryuk had fucked off to go play pranks. He didn’t need anyone making fun of him for this. He couldn’t think about it, he couldn’t. So L was in his kitchen. That didn’t change anything. It didn’t. The anger, and sadness, and confusion, and love-no not love! God! Light felt as if he could rip his hair out until his head was shiny and smooth. 

Suddenly, the door opened and Light felt himself stiffen like a wooden board. Or hell no. Had that moron followed him into his sanctuary? Light seethed, this wasn’t happening. He was trying to sleep for the love of all things holy! He had stormed away from L and slammed the door. Didn’t that gesture mean anything anymore? Or had L suddenly lost all concept of social cues? His room wasn’t meant for the unclean, nor anyone who had hurt him in the way L had shouldn'y be aloud in here. He could feel his breathing increase, and thought about throwing himself out of a window. 

“What happened to your eye?” A terribly familiar voice suddenly questioned him. Light felt a lump in his throat, one that he couldn’t swallow. After all of this time, that voice still sounded the same. That beautiful, lying, treacherous voice. 

Light calmed his mouth shut and squeezed his eyes closed. He wasn’t going to talk to L. Maybe if he ignored the issue, it would go back to the hole it had crawled out of.

“Really? The silent treatment?” L sighed. “So Light-kun has grown into a five year old in my absence.”

Light bit his lip until he felt the flesh split between his teeth. *Don’t give him a reaction.* He commanded himself. If he could survive Misa’s fashion show session, he could survive this.

“Light-kun? Have you been struck deaf?” L asked in a worryingly serious tone, finally making Light snap. He dug his fingernails into the soft flesh on his palm. 

“What are you doing here?” Light hissed, still laying on his side and refusing to look at the man. It was bad enough that he could feel his presence tainting the room. 

“Oh, so it speaks.” L murmured, making Light’s blood boil.

“Vampires have the right idea, not being able to enter a place unless they’re invited.” Light muttered. “You should take a page from their book.”

“I needed to see you.”

Light’s heart coiled into tight ball, and he frowned. “It’s been three years L. Why now?”

“I know, I can count.” L retorted. “I…” He trailed off, laughing nervously. “I had this whole speech prepared, but I’ve somehow forgot it.”

“Hm, well I’ll pretend like I've heard it.” Light sniped. “You should go.”

“…I need to talk to you, Light.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Light growled, glaring at his pillow. “I can’t talk to you.”

“Okay, then can you just listen?” L begged. 

“Listen to what? You apologize again? I’ve already heard what you have to say.” Light swallowed, feeling his stomach twist into knots. “I-I just can’t believe you’re here!”

And then, as if matters couldn’t get worse, Light noticed that Ryuk had phased through his wall. Light groaned, burying his head into his pillow. He was waiting for Ryuk to make some smart comment about his current misery. *At least L can’t see him….*

“Light, why is there a shinigami in your room?” Shit.

Light felt his heart drop into his stomach and swallowed loudly. This wasn’t good. “What do you mean?” He laughed, nervously.

“I can see him, Light.” L deadpanned and Light felt the blood inside of his veins freeze.

“Hyuk hyuk, what’s going on here?” Ryuk chuckled. “Is this a bad time?”

“It’s always a bad time when you’re around, Ryuk.” Light snapped, sitting up to rub his eyes. Spots of light danced in his vision and his head suddenly felt heavy, as if someone had just dumped rocks inside of his skull. “Okay, before you arrest me let me explain.”

Taking a deep breath Light sighed and began to study his hands. “He wanted to stay on earth, and threatened to write my name in the Death Note if I didn’t take it. I mean, he was persistent!” Light glared at Ryuk, who just smiled widely. “So I took the Death Note, but I never used it! I just let him hang around and observe my life, because that’s his form of ‘entertainment’.”

Light looked up to gauge L’s reaction, and the man was staring at him stonily. Obviously he didn’t believe Light, which made him grit his teeth together. He could feel his muscles tightening. *It’s not fair! Why doesn’t L ever believe me?* He seethed to himself. *Out of everyone in my life that I’ve lied to, I’ve actually only ever been honest with L!* Oh, the irony.

“You don’t believe me?” Light huffed, getting off of his bed and stomping over to his desk. “Fine, look at this then.” His face felt inflamed and his hands shook as he grabbed a pen and inserted it into the trap in his desk drawer. *Unbelievable.* He muttered to himself as the fake bottom popped open. Delicately, he pulled the black book out and threw it down on the bed.

“Hey! Be careful with that!” Ryuk gasped, but Light paid him no mind. 

“There!’ He exclaimed, folding his arms across his chest and attempting to glare holes through L’s face. “You can look through that if you want, I guarantee there have been no recent names written and my handwriting is no where in there!”

“I believe you.” L muttered quietly, going over to sit on Light’s bed. Light frowned, he hadn’t of been given permission to do that.

“That’s a first.” Light muttered bitterly, taking the Death Note and sealing it back up in it’s home. It was like a crypt, and he was the keeper. Anyone who wanted to get the Death Note would have to defeat him first, which no one ever would. That alone made him feel powerful. He owned a weapon of mass destruction, one that could kill anyone at any given time. He could use it whenever he wanted, he knew he could make the deaths look discreet enough that they’d never be traced back to the Death Note. But he never would, because that would ruin it. Weaker men wouldn’t be able to stop themselves from using this power, but Light could. Light didn’t need to kill others to feel powerful. It was like tracing a poisoned blade across your neck, but never pressing in. It was the flirting with evil that made his heart beat faster.

“So, you’re not going to try and implicate me in another crime that I have nothing to do with?” Light bit out sarcastically, sitting down at his desk chair. He spun the chair in a lazy circle, and leaned his head back to observe the ceiling. “I’m shocked. Who are you and what have you done with the real L?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve missed your quick wit Light.” L grumbled, and Light could hear his bed sitting. L was probably crouched on the comforter, getting his bare feet all over Light’s nest of blankets. He grimaced, now he was going to have to do laundry! He always wore socks on his bed, he didn’t want to get the smell of sweaty feet on where he was going to be resting! That was so unsanitary. Also, the bed would smell like L. And Light didn’t want to be reminded of his scent. He didn’t need to smell lavender fabric softener and gingerbread…..NO! He didn’t know what L smelled like, he shouldn’t even be thinking about it!

“Light-o! Can I get some apples?” Ryuk squawked, and Light resisted the urge to grab the Death Note and write his own name down. 

“Not now Ryuk.” Light sighed. “I’m kind of….busy.”

“Oh! You guys gonna do it?” Ryuk chuckled, making Light cease his spinning instantly. He glared at the shinigami, wishing that the god of death could read social cues. He was as bad as L in that sense.

“Are you fucking serious?” Light demanded, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Do we need to go over the concept manners AGAIN?”

“Heh, no.” Ryuk held his claws up, but still smiled widely. He looked like a court jester. Turning over to L, Ryuk cupped his hand beside his mouth and stage whispered rather obnoxiously. “Light-o always goes on these huge rants about the importance of politeness. It’s sooooo annoying! I’m a death god, I don’t care about manners! Like, this one time I had to sit for two whole hours listening to him drone on about the importance of wearing the right tie.”

L let out a choked giggle, before slapping his hand over his mouth. This only made Light’s anger rise, and he felt like steam was about to shoot out of his ears.

“Oh yeah, real funny.” Light hissed. “Ryuk, you’re a grade a asswipe! I don’t know why I wasted my knowledge on you.” Most people would pay for Light’s advice. He was very wise, after all. He was always under appreciated. Genii usually were.

“Jeez!” Ryuk snapped, flapping over to the door. “You’re especially sour today! I’m out of here!”

“Good.” Light grumbled, watching Ryuk fade into the wall. “You should follow him.” Light sniffed, turning back to L. “I can’t deal with this today.”

“Light, I came all of this way.” L sighed, and Light wanted to tell him to sit like a normal person. “I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done! And I know I’ve said that before, but I….I don’t want to live like this anymore. Without you, I mean. I truly have missed you and…I don’t know, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least try to get you back."

“I’ve…moved on.” The words felt like ash inside of his mouth.

"With Kiyomi.” 

“Yes, with Kiyomi.” Light muttered, beginning to massage his temples. This room wasn’t nearly dark enough, and his chair suddenly felt about as soft as old cardboard. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

“Do you love her?” L whispered, and Light felt something plunge into his heart.

“I’m dating her.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“I’m not going to divulge details of my dating life to you.” Light snapped. “We’ve been together for eight months, so…..you can guess what that means.”

“She told me that.” L nodded. “But, I don’t think that means you love her.”

“Well, how would you know?” Light frowned, scratching the back of his hand. L had no right to assume that!

“Because I know you.” And Light saw red.

“You don’t know me at all.” Light spat, feeling his hands clench into fists. No, no L didn’t know him at all and he had no right to suggest that he did! Only Light knew himself. L wasn’t inside of his mind, L didn’t mean anything to him. “And..And I’ve changed! It’s nearly been three years since we last talked, and I’ve grown up. You are not going to manipulate me aga-“ Light stopped, drawing his finger up to his mouth and biting on the nail. Great! Now he was biting his nails! That wasn’t good and would look very unsightly. 

“I can’t do this.” He got up and walked to his closet. His blood was rushing through his veins and he felt like his head was made of cotton. He didn’t want to talk, see, or even think about L! He would loose his cool, and say something he didn’t mean. Or say something truthful and honest and revealing. And Light Yagami didn’t let emotions dictate his life, not anymore. 

He grabbed a black hoodie and angrily pulled it over his head. A piece of fuzz got caught in his mouth and he spit it out, not even caring what he must look like. He then started towards his bedroom door, feelings L’s gaze burn into his back.

“Where are you going?” L demanded loudly. “Seriously? You aren’t even going to listen to what I have to say?”

“Nope.” Light snapped, placing his clammy hand on the door knob and keeping his gaze firmly trained on the white bedroom door. It looked grey in the lighting. “I’m going out, and I want you gone by the time I’m back.”

And with that, he ripped the door open and stalked out, not even bothering to slam the door shut to show his fury. He’d get a noise complaint if he did that, and Light was a star tenant. He made his way out of his front door as fast as he could, not daring to look back. When he reached the sidewalk and didn’t hear any footsteps behind him, he slightly relaxed. But he found that his hands wouldn’t cease their shaking, and he bit his lip.

“Woah! Cat fight.” Ryuk sang behind him, making him jump. 

“It wasn’t a cat fight.” Light growled. He kept his eyes trained firmly on the sidewalk in front of him. He saw a lone pebble and kicked it angrily, imagining that it was all of his loathsome feelings of love and affection. He could still feel his heart pounding and there seemed to be a permanent lump inside of his throat that he couldn’t swallow. 

“Where are you going? Gonna buy some roses or a gun to shoot him with?” Ryuk questioned, flying a head of him and hovering in a cross legged position. Light sighed and turned a corner, rustling around in his pocket to make sure he had enough money for a train fare.

“I’m gonna go see Mikami, so yay for you. More entertainment.” Light grumbled, looking up at the clear blue sky. The fairness of the weather seemed to be mocking him, the clouds in the sky should be dark and grey just like the ones in his heart.

Yes, he was going to see Mikami. For one reason, sex. He needed to fuck the soul of out someone, right at this very second. See, some people punched walls or screamed until their vocal chords were shredded when they were angry. Some prayed, and some meditated. Not Light. The only time he craved intimacy was when he was pissed. Boiling-full-of-anger-about-ready-to-explode pissed. He could feel his nerves alive with energy and had to clench his teeth together to stop from punching a wall. Yes, he needed to ravage someone until he could barely see straight. He needed to redirect all of his irritation into his penis. 

Also, he needed to see Mikami about last night. The black eye was his fault, of course. He had been pissed out of his mind drunk and took a swing at Light, for what reason Light didn’t know. He had been rambling about ‘snakes in the grass’ and Light didn’t know that Mikami was into reptiles. So Light had to confront Mikami and make him grovel a little bit. That would bring him satisfaction, too. He wanted Mikami to beg for his forgiveness like a sinner in a confession booth. Otherwise, maybe Light would have to go to the police. He would tell Mikami that he ‘was hurt’ and didn’t know if he could trust him anymore. Maybe he’d even get some extra cash out of the deal, for incentive. 

Suddenly, Ryuk started chortling. It was a choked, gravelly noise that made Light’s ears ring.

“What’s so funny?” He grumbled under his breath, because there were people on the other side of the street.

“Heh….heh…heh n-nothing.” Ryuk sputtered out, shooting him a cheshire grin. Obviously he was lying, and didn’t want to tell Light what was amusing him. Ryuk looked like a bug-eyed possum who had just smoked meth for the first time when he smiled. It annoyed Light, so he looked around to try and find the source of Ryuk’s laughter. He thought that maybe a kid had dropped their candy or a lady was getting mugged, Ryuk usually found humor in those types of situations.

But everything was normal. Normal passerby’s walked casually up and down the streets, and a bird was chirping in a tree. A kid was pushing a stroller, and the mother was talking on her phone. Light sighed, Ryuk could find humor in thin air. Whatever. 

A couple crossed the street, hand in hand. It made Light sick to look at. Why was everyone so damn happy today? What was there to be happy about? Even Ryuk was in good spirits. Light shoved his hands into his pockets, but didn’t slouch. Light Yagami would never slouch. He kept his head held high, even though he felt as if a dark storm cloud was raining above his head and his head alone. 

Why did L have to come back? Did he get some kind of hard on from tormenting Light? It didn’t make any sense, what caused L to come back now? After all of this time? He was like a barnacle on the side of Light’s grand cruise ship, one that wouldn’t come off no matter how hard you scraped at it. Light muttered a curse under his breath as he bought a train ticket. Everything was so unfair. 

He had worked so hard to build up his walls, only for L to take a sledgehammer to them. His mere presence was enough to send Light spiring. For it was very hard to make Light annoyed. He was calm and collected, and always kept his true feelings locked in a small box. L could provoke a reaction from him, one that no one else could. He was a constant thorn in Light’s side, one that was constantly digging in deeper and drawing more fresh blood.

Blood. Light softly ran his right hand over his left arm. It always tingled whenever he thought of L, as some perverse reminder of everything that had happened. 

The real question was, why was Light so bothered? He shouldn’t be, he should have politely told L to launch himself into the sun instead of storming off in a huff. L’s presence should’ve inspired on emotion, annoyance. But not really annoyance, just faint annoyance like one would feel after stubbing their toe. Instead, L made him feel a rainbow of emotions. Confusion, hurt, fear, longing, excitement, anger, hatred, love. Everything that Light tried to drown, came floundering to the surface when L was around. And Light hated it. He detested it. He didn’t want to have to deal with this. He had been fine living his life without L.

Right?

*Right!* He shouted at himself. Right. He didn’t need L. He didn’t long for him. He wasn’t slightly happy to see him again. His heart hadn’t of broken, a small crack hadn’t been formed. No, no, no, no. He was Light Yagami, not Juliet. Romeo wasn’t coming to sweep him off his feet in some grand romantic gesture. Did L think this was romantic? Probably. Or, he was bored and wanted to rattle Light’s cage again. Yes, that was probably it. God, Light wanted a drink. Or ten. 

He resisted the urge to crash his fist through Miami’s door, and simply knocked. A little louder than he would have normally, but whatever. He was not about to think about L. No, L didn’t exist in his reality. L was a bump in the road, that was all. He had probably left, anyway. And this day would only be an awkward memory. Everything was fine. He was Light Yagami, an honorable citizen with perfect hair. His life was perfect, and he was going to ace his final exams. He was perfect, and everyone loved him. This was fine. 

“Oh…hey Light…san.” Mikami murmured slowly, running his hand through his mussed hair. It was a horrible sight, one of the strands was standing straight up. His glasses were no where in sight and he was an odd shade of grey. Rolling his eyes, Light made his way into the apartment. Not even caring that he hadn’t of been invited.

“What the hell happened last night?” He demanded, skipping pleasantries. He made his way straight over to the vodka bottle sitting on the coffee table and took a swig out of the bottle. This was no time for glasses. Plus, it was already opened. Mikami must’ve of picked up where he left off last night. Really? While he still had a hangover? Light sighed, some people had no self control. He took a few liberal sips, smiling despite himself when a warmness inflamed his chest.

“Your eye looks pretty bad…” Mikami grimaced, leaning against the wall. “Did anyone ask any questions?”

Light had the neck of the bottle in his hand and squeezed it lightly, feeling his anger radiate from his finger tips. “I explained it away.” He sighed. “But….I was really hurt last night. I mean, I trusted you.”

“Ha!’ Mikami snorted, coming over to snatch the bottle away from Light. Light watched with wide eyes as Mikami drained half of the bottle right in front of his face. “That’s rich.”

“What are you talking about?” Light frowned, and grabbed the bottle away before Mikami could down anymore. “Don’t hog.” He mumbled sourly, drinking another small sip. Well, small in comparison to Mikami’s gulp. 

“It’s MY Vodka.” Mikami scowled, reaching for the bottle before Light held it away. He looked up at Light, with a strange fire burning in his eyes. Huh? When did Mikami find his balls?

“What’s the matter with you?” Light eyed the man, feeling his chest grow tight. “Are you…mad at me? After you’re the one who attacked me?”

“And why do you think I attacked you?” Mikami shouted, crossing his arms and trying to tower over Light. Well, that wouldn’t work. No one towered over him! Light forced his posture to stiffen, and glared into Mikami’s beady little eyes. “I know you’ve been playing me, you little shit! That’s right, while I was working on a case I hacked into the NPA’s database….and guess what? There’s NO case abut me!”

“Oh…that.” Light rolled his eyes, setting the vodka bottle back on the table. Well, he had to find out one day. Although Light felt a tugging at his heartstrings as he realized he would no longer be able to extort Mikami. This day just kept getting better and better. “Well, it’s not like you’re some innocent little angel. Even if there isn’t a case against you now, there could be in the future.”

“Is that a threat?” Mikami asked dangerously, taking a step closer to Light. Uh oh. Light gulped and tried not to scurry away. Mikami was obviously still drunk, and looked like a bull about to charge. “You don’t have ANYTHING on me Yagami. And you know what? I might just report this! That’s right, I’ll tell them you were blackmailing me. How’s that for you?”

Light smiled a bitter smile, and resisted the urge to smash the vodka over Mikami’s self-righteous little head. “Then you’d have to explain why I was blackmailing you.” He told the man smugly. “And, you’d get it worse than me. Don’t try and put on your big boy pants Mikami, you don’t scare me. Know your place. You know as well as I do that child rapists don’t exactly have a comfortable stay in prison.”

“And where’s the proof?” Mikami shouted, throwing his arms up in outrage. “There’s nothing you could do or say that could incriminate me. No one would believe you, I’m an honorable prosecutor and you’re a college student.”

Light felt his blood thicken, and a thrill of rage ran down his spine. He was MUCH more than a college student! He had more talent in his pinky toe than Mikami had in his entire wretched body. Light could bury him in his sleep! Who did he think he was, talking to him like that? He grabbed the vodka bottle and angrily tipped it down his throat, clutching it so hard for a moment he thought it might simply shatter.

“Did you forget about the videos?” Light snapped, his voice filled with venom. “I still have them, you know. And let me remind you what they are. They’re of me and you. Except I was sixteen and you were thirty. And we weren’t playing checkers. No, if I remember correctly they show you bending me over a table. Hm, how odd. That doesn’t seem very legal.”

Mikami’s face drained of all color, and he took a small step back. “You’re lying.”

Light tilted his head. “I’m really not.” He told the man, faux sympathy in his voice. “How will you explain that away, huh? They’re timestamped, and I don’t think you can say we were ‘wrestling’. Don’t test me, Mikami. I’ll destroy you.”

Miami’s whole body seemed to shake as if he was in an earthquake simulator. “You’d better walk out of here.” He whispered in a strained voice, but that only served to make Light laugh.

“No.” He told the man, shaking his head gleefully. “You still owe me about two hundred thousand yen.”

“Forget it!” Mikami spat through gritted teeth. He then slapped the bottle out of Light’s hand, making it shatter on the floor beneath him. Light flinched as the jarring sound rang in his ears. The man then barreled towards him, making Light’s blood turn to ice. Mikami backed him into a corner, and grabbed his neck in a painful grip. Light gasped involuntarily, and reached up to claw the man’s hands away. He tried in vain to gulp down more air, but his breathing was suddenly constricted. The wall dug into his back painfully, and Light felt as if he was going to be crushed to death. 

“If you ever try to get a single yen out of me again, I’ll fucking kill you.” Mikami shouted, and Light felt his nails dig into his neck. “Maybe I should just do it now, hm? Just to put my mind at ease…” Light felt his hand tighten. He tried to struggle away, but he was trapped. 

“Don’t panic!* He ordered his racing heart, but he could still feel fear swallow him whole. *Don’t cry, breathe slowly and nod your head. Try to scream! He won’t kill you, he wouldn’t-*

Light’s panicked thoughts were suddenly cut off by a loud knock. Actually, it was more like a pounding. Mikami’s eyes widened and he immediately pulled his hand away from Light. Light felt the pressure leave his throat and he gasped in relief. His heart sounded like it was about to jump out of his rib cage, and he slumped against the wall. He held his neck delicately as he sputtered and coughing like an asthmatic. His eyes were watering and his head throbbed painfully. He still felt as if he had a mouse trap around his throat.

“What…the…hell?” He whispered hoarsely, his voice hurting his vocal chords. He swallowed rapidly. Oh, Mikami was going to pay for this.

“Shut up!” The man hissed, nervously running towards the door. “Don’t make a sound or you’ll regret it! Be cool.”

Oh, Light was about as cool as a rotten cucumber. He continued to swallow more air, he wanted his lungs to feel full again. 

“Can I help you?” Mikami asked in a strained voice. Light suddenly saw the door swing open. And look who had just walked in. Light froze, and wanted to sink into the wall. What in the actual hell?

“What’s going on here?” L demanded, looking like he had just walked in on a crime scene. His eyes were bright with alarm and he walked over to Light, making him flinch. Light sighed, this day couldn’t get worse. “Light?”

“You followed me?” Light wheezed out, hating the sound of his voice. He cleared his aching throat, grimacing as he could feel his skin throbbing. That was going to leave a horrible mark, and he’d have to find some concealer. “What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me?” L sounded aghast. “You look like you were almost strangled to death!”

“He’s fine!” Mikami shouted, shifting from foot to foot nervously. “Light has a bad case of eczema-“

“Mikami, don’t be stupid.” Light hissed, placing his hand over his mangled throat. He didn’t like how L’s black orbs were probing into him. “I want an answer! Did you follow me?”

“Thank fuck I did!” L snapped. “You were almost killed.”

“That’s dramatic.” Light rolled his eyes, and stood up straighter. “We had a conversation, that was it.”

“A conversation? Really?” L’s eyes narrowed into angry slits. “Hm, well. My mistake. I didn’t realize most conversations ended with a choking out nowadays."

“Excuse me? Who are you?” Mikami demanded, placing his hands on his hips. After everything, he still managed to look furious. As if he was the injured party! Light wanted to snort, Mikami was delusional. 

“I’m a detective. I'm an incredibly powerful one too! And you’re about to get hit over the head with my power!” L spat out, making Light’s heart beat even faster. What was he thinking? Light deduced that L was delusional too. Why would he tell Mikami, of all people, who he was?

“You bastard!” Mikami shrieked, making Light’s head pound. “This is a setup!”

“It’s not.” Light ran a shaking hand through his mussed hair, groaning as he realized how pathetic he must look. “This is my friend, well not even my friend. He’s an acquaintance who’s stalking me.”

L ignored him, and turned to face Mikami. Light could feel the rage wafting out of the other. L was standing in front of him as if he was a lion defending his pride. How dramatic. “I will have you arrested!” L shouted, pointing a long finger into Miami’s face. “You hear that? I’ll send you to jail, maybe a jail that’s in an underground bunker somewhere remote! I’ll take everything from you, and throw away the key! I’ll let you rot in a little box until you beg for death! Then, I’ll change the laws so that I myself can execute you via rat torture! I’ll watch them eat out your horrid little face, and then I’ll-“

“Jesus, Ryuzaki.” Light snapped, slightly horrified. “Don’t bother, I was just leaving. Fuck, you need an aspirin.”

He stomped over to the door, and wrenched it open. “I will get my money, Mikami. One way or another.” Yes, because he wasn’t going to let himself get strangled for nothing! Light Yagami never backed down, and now especially he deserved that money more than ever! Mikami wouldn’t scare him away.

“You’re crazy.” Mikami snapped from behind him. “And take your mad dog with you!”

“Mad dog?” L screeched, a sound that seemed to make the walls shake. “I will fuck you sideways with my vengeance! You have no idea who I am, do you hear me? If you step one more toe out of line, you sir are finished! I will string you up by your balls-“

“I’m leaving.” Light called, furiously stalking down the hallway. His neck throbbed and his breathing still sounded strained. He heard L’s footsteps behind him and groaned, looking up at Ryuk. The shinigami stared down at him owlishly, with a shit-eating grin on his disfigured face. Light wished he could punch the shinigami. 

“You okay Light-o?” Ryuk chuckled, not sounded concerned in the slightest. “He almost got you!”

“Why didn’t you tell me he was following me?” Light snapped out in a strangled voice.

“Didn’t feel like it.”

Light pinched the bridge of his nose. This was just awful. 

“Light!” L called behind him. Light didn’t stop, he continued walking to the elevator. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t need you to save me!” Light hissed, stepping into the small moving box. L followed, unfortunately. 

“Well, looks like you do.” L told him snottily, making the hairs on the back of Light’s neck stand up. “If I hadn’t of come, he would’ve killed you. I heard everything, you know. What were you thinking? Blackmailing some pedophile? Are you stupid or just plain dumb?”

“Don’t talk to me like that you little shit stain.” Light griped, stepping out into the lobby. “I’m not some helpless idiot! I had everything under control, you have no idea -“

“Yeah, your neck really shows your ‘control’.” L air quoted, making Light’s steps fall harder onto the floor. 

“That was play fighting.” Light scoffed, hearing a car horn sound from beside him. He just wanted to get back home. Wait, first a beauty store and then he would go home. He wondered how accurately he could shade match himself. He had light tan skin, and he hoped they made a warm enough color that wouldn’t make him appear orange. “You have no idea what I’m capable of. He wasn’t going to hurt me.”

“I don’t want you seeing him again!” L ordered, making Light’s mouth fall open. He didn’t cease his walking, however, it just spurred him on. Who did L think he was? How big were this man’s balls? “He already did hurt you, your neck is bruising!”

“It’s superficial.” Light defended. “And you don’t own me L, I’ll do whatever I damn please. I AM getting my money.”

“If you need money that badly-“ L started, making Light groan into his hand in frustration.

“I do it for entertainment. Not because I’m poor! And now It’s personal, because that bastard thinks he can push me around!” Light snarled, wrenching open the door to a corner store. The sign said that they sold makeup, so Light hoped he’d be in luck. He started over to the cosmetics, trying to drown out L’s scolding. He wasn’t a child, who did L think he was? He didn’t have the right to reprimand him! Light felt a sour taste well up in his mouth. 

“-and you could die next time you see him, he’s unhinged!” L lectured, while Light held up a bottle in the light. The shade name was ‘toasted biscuit’. Who came up with these names? Children in primary school? He swiped the concealer over the back of his hand, and dabbed it in softly. There, it looked seamless and perfect. This was the easiest thing he had done all day. Oh, L was still talking. “I don’t want you to put yourself in danger Light!”

“Tough shit.” Light mumbled sourly, trying not to slam the concealer on the counter. 

The cashier picked up the concealer, and gave him a once over. Her smile turned impish and she had the nerve to give him a knowing wink. What? Light felt his cheeks redden. “Having fun boys?” She asked, gesturing to his neck. Light blanched. This had to be a nightmare. There was no way the cashier thought that they had just engaged in some kind of bdsm fantasy, right? Oh God, Light thought that he was going to be sick. 

“I have a rash.” Light muttered awkwardly, looking out of the window. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Oh, of course.” She drawled cheekily. “That’ll be one thousand yen.”

Light shot a glare at L, who looked equally horrified. He dug into his pocket and threw the money on the counter. “Assumptions were created for the feeble-minded.” He told her snottily, snatching the bag out of her hand and shoving past the display cases filled with random junk. He heard her indignant huff as he yanked the door shut behind him. 

“Well…that was awkward.” L funnily uttered, making him guffaw.

“No, was it? I couldn’t tell.” Light sighed. The sun felt as if it was beating down on him. He heard laughter in the distance, and some baby crying. The traffic seemed to be extra noisy today. His arms felt sweaty and he was exhausted. He hoped Kiyomi would make miso soup tonight. Oh right, she was going shopping later. He’d tell her what he wanted, and hopefully she would deliver. What Light wanted, he got. “You’re going to follow me back to my house, aren’t you?”

“No.” L sighed, making Light stop dead in his tracks. What? Why did he feel a faint sense of disappointment? He must be really tired. “I can tell you’re irritable today. I’ll give you the address of the hotel i’m staying at.” L held out a slip of paper, which Light begrudgingly took. What a bastard, he had already written it down. “If you actually want to talk things over, come over tomorrow. I’m free all day.”

“And if I don’t come?” Light questioned, clutching the slip in his hands. They were quite sweaty. “Are you gonna come and hunt me down?”

L sighed. “No, if you don’t come that’ll give me my answer. I’ll leave you alone."

Light sniffed. “Don’t hold your breath.” He called over his shoulder. He looked back and saw that L wasn’t making any move to follow him. He sighed and wished he had the strength to throw the paper on the ground and stomp on it.

“But that would be littering.* He placated himself, and shoved the paper in his pocket. Yes, he’d throw it away later.

Except, he didn’t. It burned a hole in his pocket, but Light told himself that he just didn’t have the energy to throw it away. That would be more trouble than it was worth. He wasn’t going to see L, he wasn’t. 

He ate his soup, but it wasn’t Miso soup. It was alphabet. Kiyomi had clearly had a lapse in judgement today. Whatever, he still ate it. Something was gnawing a hole into his stomach and he didn’t have to energy to get pissy. He had already resigned himself to the fact that today was going to be awful. He kissed Kiyomi, watched a short program on television, then went off to bed. He brushed his teeth for exactly two minutes and thirty seconds, and then started on his six step skincare routine. Moisturizer was the most important step. It made his skin supple and baby soft, and kept away bothersome wrinkles. Tee tree oil was another important part of the whole routine, it made his skin glow. He put on an avocado under eye mask to fight off dark circles, and applied a generous amount of cherry chapstick. What? It smelled like cherries. 

He turned on his noise machine, and imagined he was at the beach. He imagined that he was sipping a strawberry daiquiri and that he could hear the waves crashing on the shore. He could almost feel the warm sand beneath his toes, and the warmth of the summer sun. Yes, he was in his happy place. No Mikami. No L. No Kiyhomi. No responsibilities. Just himself and the open sea. 

He kissed Kiyomi softly and settled into the fresh sheets, which smelled like cinnamon. He closed his eyes, and let the sounds of the beach fill his senses. He buried his head into his soft pillow and sighed softly. He twisted and turned, but the lump in his chest wouldn’t go away.

He wasn’t going to see L. No way and no how. That would be plain stupid. It was a bad idea, and would bring even worse consequences. He didn’t need to see L, he couldn’t see L. He had worked to damn hard to get his life under control, and he wouldn’t let L soil everything he had worked for. He hated L, right? He didn’t like him, not one bit. He didn’t like his dark and dreamy black eyes, nor his soft smile, nor his wild raven locks. His heart hadn’t of beat faster when he saw L today, it had pulsed the normal amount. He didn’t feel warmer when he was in his presence, and he didn’t feel a yearning for the detective. L was bad news. Light was stronger than this, he didn’t need to see L. He could control himself. 

He fell into a restful sleep, knowing that he would never see L again. He was done with L. Tomorrow at the hotel, he would not show up on L’s doorstep. He wouldn’t!


	19. Kiss With A Fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, yes. My siblings says you'll probably cry during this chapter. What does Light want? Even he doesn't know. Can L apologize without screaming insults in the same breath? Eh, probably not. Also, smut scene warning, and it's a doozy. Hate sex is the best sex....or not. I hope you all enjoy these boy's bizarre relationship. And Ryuk actually manages to be comforting....hell must've frozen over;)
> 
> Thank you to all of you lovely readers, you guys hold my whole heart&<3
> 
> P.S. Florence + the Machine inspired this title
> 
> P.P.S Light's thoughts about tattoos don't reflect my own as I will be getting one soon...I just thought that that was something he would say;)

Light stood outside of L’s hotel room, and cradled his head in his hands. What on earth was he doing? This was mad! Light felt as if Mikami had strangled all of the braincells out of him yesterday, and he was left with an empty space inside of his skull. Why couldn’t he have just gone to class today, and been a responsible student? No, he had had to skip his lecture to make time for L’s bullshit! This wasn’t him, this wasn’t Light Yagami. He never missed class for anything. How was L already derailing his life? He’d just have to say he was sick, even though Light Yagami never got sick. Maybe the teacher’s would take pity on him and send him a get well card. Because, apparently he was lovesick. 

This was so utterly stupid. Not only stupid, but embarrassing as hell. Did L think that he could just snap his fingers after three years and Light would come crawling back? No! Absolutely not. Light would not be won over that easy. He still hated L. He had never forgiven the man, and he would never trust him again. Because above everything else, L was a liar. He couldn’t remember one time where L had told him the truth. And even if he ever decided to, Light would never believe him. L could tell him that the sky was blue and Light would have to walk outside and double check. The damage had already been done. Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice…

Light Yagami was no fool. 

He glared at the hotel door, hoping it would disappear. Or at the very least, burst in flames. But the door didn’t budge, it must’ve been flame-repellant. Light had no idea why he was here. His life was going swimmingly! He didn’t need L, he didn’t need complications.

Okay, maybe that was a lie. But everyone had self-destructive thoughts, right? That didn’t mean they acted on them! Light must be some kind of masochist to even consider flirting with this kind of terrible temptation. It didn’t matter how droll and boring his own life was. It didn’t matter if he missed L. It didn’t matter if he would sometimes silently sob into his pillow at night, thinking about the raven. Jumping off a bridge would be fun, too. But no one would live to tell the tale, and they were wise enough to stay away. Why wasn’t he?

He should go back, he knew that. But then that would be a wasted train ride, and wasted money. It would have wasted his time, and Light’s time was valuable. He didn’t make silly trips across the city for no reason at all. He had missed class for this for Christ’s sake. He was an adult, and he was wiser than he had been all of those years ago. L couldn’t manipulate him anymore, right? No, Light wouldn’t let him. 

He raised his fist to the door and knocked, swallowing loudly. *I’ll just tell him off.* He told himself *I’ll tell him to fuck off into oblivion and never speak to me again.* Yes, that was a good plan. THAT was a smart plan. He was going to make the right decision this time, no funny business was going to be occurring. He’d hear L’s whines and apologies. He’d let him get on his knees, and pray to Light. THEN he’d laugh in his face! He’d twist the knife in, just as L had done all of those years ago. He’d tell L he was a despicable piece of trash, not worthy of his or anyone else’s time. And then he’d slam the door in L’s tear-stained face, and walk home happily. He might even skip and whistle a tune. He’d have all of the power, this time around. Light Yagami was never going to hurt again.

He counted down the seconds, reaching forty five, before the door opened. His tapping foot ceased when he saw L’s hopeful and shocked face. His eyes were wide and glistened with some deep emotion, making Light’s heart pound. 

“You came.” L whispers, as if he really couldn’t believe it.

“I guess.” Yes, Light was an amazing conversationalist. 

“I didn’t think you would.” L admitted, staring past him. “And…I wouldn’t of blamed you.”

“Can I come in?” Light sighed, he wanted to get this over with. Being around L did something to him, it made his knees feel weak.

L opened the door and held out his hand, and Light strutted in as if he was a king who had left his castle to speak with the undesirables. He looked around the hotel room, there was a king sized bed and a small kitchenette. It wasn’t a suit, like what L normally stayed in. Nonetheless, it still looked luxurious and the walls were painted with white and gold stripes. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” L asked, gesturing to his pathetic excuse of a kitchen. It had a small black mini fridge and an even smaller microwave. 

“I won’t be staying long.” Light told him, straightening his back.

“Right.” L sighed. “I know this probably looks pathetic, and I’d probably have more luck talking to a brick wall. But I…miss you, Light. I really do. And I know it’s not my place to come back after all these years. And I know you have your own life now and I’m happy for you-“

“That’s a lie.” Light scoffed, not being able to help himself. “You knew it was wrong to come back here, but you did it anyway. You don’t want me to be happy, not unless it’s with you. You do whatever suits you.”

L sighed loudly, kicking his foot into the shag carpet. 

“Don't deny it. I know who you are.”

L let out a sardonic laugh. “You do.” He murmured. “I wanted you to be happy but…..not with her.”

“Well ‘her’ is what I’ve got.”

L seemed to ignore that remark. “I wanted to come back sooner. I-I don’t like this. I don’t like not being around you, Light. You do something to me.”

“Yeah, you do something to me too.” Light muttered. “And I don’t like it.”

“I had a dream about you.” L suddenly said, making Light looked up. The man had now chosen to stare at the turned off television, and clasped his hands behind his back. “I-I dreamed that I ruined you. And it was a quite graphic dream, like my subconscious wanted me to know how much I had hurt you. I watched you get flayed alive and…it unsettled me. I had to make things right.”

“Wow.” Light scoffed, cringing internally. His skin was soft and perfect and he didn’t like to think about it being apart from his body. “That’s fucking disturbing L, I don’t want to hear about myself getting tortured. I think you need to stop looking at crime scene photos.”

“That’s not the point I was trying to make.” L snapped, whirling around. “I want to be with you.”

Light felt his heart throb painfully, and sweat collected in his hairline. “L, we would never work. I don’t like you, and I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t think that’s true.” L dismissed. “If it was, why did you come to see me?”

“To tell you off!” Light snapped. “I don’t like you just showing up inside of my apartment! I don’t want to see you, and I don’t want to know you. I was perfectly content to continue on not knowing you for the rest of my life. I want you to leave me alone.”

“That’s all you came to say?”

“Well, I also wanted to tell you that you’re scum of the earth, but I thought that that was already implied.”

L frowned. “Really? So you have no feelings for me, none at all?”

“Nope.” Light gritted his teeth. “If I did, I would’ve tried to contact you.”

“No you wouldn’t have. You think that you have to hate me because you don’t want to get hurt again.”

Light felt winded, and resisted the urge to sit down. “Stop trying to psychoanalyze me.” He hissed. 

“It’s kind of hard not to.” L told him, shooting him a small smile. “I know that you’ve changed Light, but I’ve changed too.” 

*I want to believe that.*

“I don’t believe that.” Light told him. 

“I guess that’s your right.” L sighed. “But can you just tell me how you really feel?”

“I thought that’s what I was doing?”

“No, you’re not. You’re acting obtuse and bitter, and like nothing bothers you because your life is sooooo perfect. If that’s the case, why did you freak out when you saw me yesterday?”

“Erm, because it’s been ages?” Light narrowed his eyes, feeling the cogs inside of his mind turning rapidly. “The last time we saw each other, it wasn’t exactly pleasant.”

“If you didn’t care about me, you would’ve told me to fuck off. Plain and simple. But you didn’t, you didn’t kick me out because you wanted me to follow you to your room and tell you why I came.”

Light stared at L incredulously, he had so much nerve. How dare he try and tell Light what he was feeling? What a bastard! L really hadn’t changed, and Light felt his hackles rising. “That’s pretty presumptuous.” He told him snottily, resisting the urge to stick his middle finger up. He wasn’t in high school, after all. “I was in shock, and I assumed that after seeing my reaction you’d have the good graces to fuck off.”

“….Light, I know that in the beginning my feelings were fake. But, they grew to be real. And I know that you didn’t fake your feelings, so. You can’t just tell me you suddenly feel nothing. I still remember everything you said to me. I saw the way you look at me, and you still give me that same look. It’s hidden under fire and hatred, but it’s there.”

“It was three years ago.” Light repeated, feeling his stomach turn. “People can change their minds about things in that amount of time. I believe that’s called growth.”

“But I know you haven’t changed your mind about me.” L uttered quietly, looking into his eyes. Light felt all of the love pouring out of L’s gaze, and he hated it. He didn’t want it. He couldn’t handle it. “I still feel it, don’t you?”

“You fucked up!” Light finally shouted, standing up to throw his hands in the air. He wanted to make himself as big as possible to show the full magnitude of his bitterness and fury. “You fucked me, and you fucked me over! I don’t like people who treat me like shit L, never mind love them. I don’t want your love, I don’t! I don’t need it, because I won’t let you ruin me again!” He’s just said too much, and he doesn’t care. He feeling like a train is chugging furiously inside of his head and everything feels cold. 

“I know I fucked up!” L shouts back, somehow thinking that he has a right to be mad. “But you’re going to tell me what I did was unforgivable? That you don’t believe in second chances?”

“Second chances are for the weak and politicians.” Light scoffs. “What you did was twisted. It was insidious, and it was evil. You intended on destroying me, for everything I stand for! And you’re such a fucking joke, didn’t you just say you would understand if I hadn’t of come?”

“Because I know you’re prideful.”

“Prideful?” Light squawks. “You bet your pale ass I am! I know who I am. I’m a good person L!”

“This apologizing is really getting on my nerves.” L spits out. “I’ve said I’m sorry, what more can I do?”

“Nothing!” Light yells. “Nothing! I can’t get anything from you, you’ve destroyed whatever we could’ve had.”

“And…a good person?” L seems to be having a delayed reaction. “Come to think of it, how are you going to tell me what I’ve done is so horrible? Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black?”

“Excuse me?” Light can feel his mouth drop open. What on earth is he talking about now?

“Oh, I don’t know. First Misa, now Kiyomi…..aren’t you just playing around with their feelings as well?”

Light feels as if a rock has just been dropped into his stomach. “That’s not the same thing.”

“How? Enlighten me.”

“I-“ Light floundered, and he hated it. He had real feelings for Kiyomi didn’t he? Of course he did! She was pretty, and smart, and ambitious, and they looked good together. She was just like him, well, like a feminine version. They agreed on everything and everyone saw how well they worked together. Kiyomi was his rock, she was safe. He knew that she wasn’t out to get him. 

It’s not like every relationship had to be intense with passion. He liked her, he wasn’t looking for another girlfriend. He would probably marry her, and have two children with her. She’d be a good mom. 

His love for Kiyomi might’ve been different from his love with L. But that’s because people were different. Kiyomi was an extension of him, something that he needed. 

Okay, so maybe his feelings for L were stronger than his feelings for Kiyomi would ever be. But that wasn’t his fault! The way in which he loved L was ugly. It twisted his heart and made him think crazy things. It made him weak, and vulnerable. Because L really knew him. L was like a part of him. Loving L was like loving death, it would eventually kill you but no matter how painful, it was something that he couldn’t get away from. His love for L was like the earth and the sun. The earth could never get close enough to the sun, because it would be burnt up. But one couldn’t survive without the other. 

L made him feel safe, until he didn’t. And Light couldn’t live with that kind of turbulence. He needed his ship to float on calm waters, not be caught up in a hurricane. His life had always been a sure thing. He had always known he was going to get good grades and get into To-Oh. He had always known that he was going to become a detective and marry a nice girl. He had always known that he was going to be someone everyone loved. And L would take that all away. Because L would make him abandon everything. Kiyomi was apart of his sure life, not L.

“It’s different because I plan on marrying her.” Light finally told him, his voice laced with ice. “I’m not planning on manipulating her into confessing to a crime she didn’t commit.”

“That’s so romantic.” L scoffed. “Tell me you love her. And look me in the eyes when you say it.”

Light faltered when he met L’s black eyes. he couldn’t do it. Those eyes laid him bare. No, he could do this. He was a good liar. This was just another mask he had to put on. “I do love her.”

“A liar knows another liar.” L told him knowingly. 

Okay, so this wasn’t going to work. He needed a plan B. “Can you actually get me something to drink? Something hard?”

L looked taken aback, but sighed loudly. “It’s barely noon.” He scoffed, but still made his way over to the kitchen. Light quickly darted over and set his phone up against the wall, partially hidden by a vase of flowers, and hit record. There, he’d get footage of L’s real face, and he’d threaten to expose his identity. Dirty, but that’s how L wanted to play this. Light feared that if he stayed in this forsaken room any longer, his mind would start to unravel. He couldn’t let L undo nearly three years of hard work! That was unacceptable, and Light couldn’t be stupid about this. He couldn’t let himself get lost in L’s lies. 

His head felt light as L returned with a paper cup. “It’s whiskey.” He muttered, pushing it into Light’s clammy hand. “Don’t drink it too fast.”

Light downed it, and smiled as it burned his throat. It felt like liquid fire and it spurred him on. This was all okay, he was in control. “You can’t tell me what to do.” A warmness spread through his chest, making him feel invincible. 

“You’re childish.” L told him. “That’s why I only poured half a shot.”

Light smug smile quickly fell, and without thinking, he lunged at L. He thought that he was going to punch him, but his foolish mouth had other plans. His lips pressed firmly into L’s and a firework erupted inside of his stomach. What was he doing? He didn’t know. He just gripped onto L’s white shirt, pulling himself in closer. This was so, so bad. He was loosing control. He couldn’t do this. He had to pull away. 

But L just grabbed onto the back of Light’s head, pulling on his brown locks roughly so that he let out a small yelp. L takes this opportunity to ravage his mouth, slipping his tongue inside. It seems as if L is trying to devour him, like he is trying to suck out his very soul. Light knows this this too is a battle, no matter how small. Everything is a contest between them, and he will not let L gain the upper hand over his tongue. He caresses L’s tongue with his own, and licks his teeth. He tastes like marshmallow icing.

He was drunk on lust. It took a hold of him, forcing his every move. He didn’t feel as if he was there in the moment, he was just a spectator. His body moved in sync with L’s without his permission, and Light watched himself be thrown onto the bed. It was too soft, and he wanted violence. he needed to feel something other than warmness. He needed to feel pain. He thrashed under L, squirming and trying to lift his body up and away from L’s hold. But L was holding him down as if he was about to escape. So Light bit down on the others bottom lip, hard. 

His lips curved into a grin, and his chest filled with perverse pleasure. He felt his teeth sink into the soft flesh, and felt his mouth taste with blood. He tasted metal, warm and delicious. He wanted more, he was like a starving vampire. He bit down harder and pulled, making L let out a sound of alarm.

“What are you doing?” L gasped, pulling away slightly. His mouth was pink and wet, and his bottom lip was dripping with red.

“Not like this.” Light growled, pushing the detective off of him. He couldn’t stand to look at L’s face, or feel his mouth on his. He couldn’t have this, but he needed it. he needed to expel these feelings out of his system. His blood rushed through his veins furiously, making him feel dizzy. L’s eyes widened in confusion and Light sat up.

“You don’t want this?” He panted harshly, and Light could almost taste the desire rolling off of the other.

He then flopped over onto his stomach, and raised himself so that he was sitting on his hands and knees. Just like a whore, just like this was a fuck. Because that’s all that this was. He needed to feel something. He stared down at the white comforter, and watching a thin line of droll fall. 

“Like this.” He stated simply, trying to catch his own breath as well. He stomach swirled with feeling and he sucked in a deep breath of sweet oxygen. “We’ll do it like this.”

“Why?” L asked, but he knew. They both did.

“Do you want to or not?” Light snapped, slightly rocking back. He couldn’t give himself time to talk himself out of this. He needed L. “Do it, please. Fuck me.”

“You want to, really?”

“I’ll walk out of this hotel room unless you do something, now!” Light commanded, feeling shaky. 

And he felt L on top of him, trailing his mouth down his neck. He sighed and leaned into the other, no longer being able to control himself. He felt his belt being undone and let out a needy whine. This was pathetic. He hated it. L was acting too soft, too tender. Light wanted to be roughed up. He couldn’t stand the way that his heart was beating inside of his chest. He wanted to feel like he meant nothing to L. He wanted the other to dig his nails in, to remind Light of how cruel he was. He couldn’t stand these apologies, they were worthless. 

L went to remove his shirt, but Light shook his head. “Don’t.” He whispered, feeling a shiver run down his spine when L’s fingers softly ghosted over his neck. “This is fine.” The light’s were on. And he was wearing a long sleeve. 

He heard rustling behind him, and felt his hips get roughly pulled backwards. He bit into his cheek, tasting his own blood. He closed his eyes and felt sweat trickle down his forehead.

“Do you have a condom?”

“In my wallet, in my back pocket.” Light managed out, and he heard more rustling. This was talking to long, and he was aching from the lack of aggression. He wanted this to be over with, he needed to forget. He heard the tearing of something and imagined it was his mind. Something was broken inside of him, but he didn’t know what. 

“Don’t hesitate.” He hissed through his teeth, feeling L trying to do something with his finger. “I don’t care what you do, just fuck me.”

He craned his neck back to look at L. The other was looking him up and down, with wide eyes. He knew what Light wanted, but he was being a bastard and trying to indulge his own needs as well. L wanted love and Light needed hate. It was the only way the could exist. Those emotions were so entertained, Light didn’t know how to tell them apart when it came to L. They were polar opposites, but the same. L cocked his head, and Light watched his nostrils flare. His pale cheeks were tinged with pink and he looked starry eyed. But he also looked worried. He probably though that Light had gone m,mental. But Light just nodded his head. 

And he felt himself being invaded and he sighed. Yes, the thrill of pain that shot up his spine excited him. His veins were filled with molten lava and he rocked back into the other, letting out a strangled hiss of pain. “Don’t be gentle. Fuck me how you used to.”

And it started. And Light craved it. he craved the stinging pain that L’s nails brought when they dug into him. He craved the feeling of himself being rocked back and forth, almost loosing his balance and falling onto his elbows. His back ached and he thrust his head into the mattress to let out a small scream. It was hot, and fiery, and spoke all of the words the couldn’t say. The room felt like it was a furnace, and Light felt himself burn from the inside out. 

“Fucking hurt me.” He mumbled brokenly into the mattress, digging his nails into his palm. He wanted to make small little crescent shapes, he wanted something to remind him of this experience. L’s weight was crushing him and he welcomed it. He wanted to cease to exist. He bit into the sheets, and heard them tear. Everything hurt.

He sputtered out meaningless cursed and felt his eyes sting. He blinked them rapidly, because he wanted to be filled with darkness. He didn’t want to see what was happening, he didn’t want to accept defeat. But L was having none of that an yanked his head up by his hair, gripping onto the follicles so tightly that his scalp started to burn. His mouth hung open as obscene sounds filled the room. 

“Do you still like it Light?” L growled, biting his shoulder. He bit over the fabric, so that Light couldn’t really feel the sting. “Are you getting something….out of this?”

Light just nodded his head. His limbs suddenly felt loose and he ached down to his very core. If L hadn’t of been holding his head up, he thought it would simply roll of of his shoulders. It was all so tragic and beautiful. Colors danced in his vision as he closed his eyes. He dreamed that he was ten again, before he had met L. Before he had known anything about anything. Before the curtain of innocence had been discarded off of the world. He would give anything to feel that way again. But, he had still played with trains when he was ten. How embarrassing. Once his father had found out, he had thrown them away. Light had wept and begged for his father to rescue them. His father, being the wise man that he was, told Light to grow up. He told him that he needed to learn a thing or two about responsibility, and that playtime was over. He couldn’t sit on his ass all day, he had to earn the life that he wanted. Light was sent to bed without his trains, and never played with toys again. Instead, he picked up books.

There was a lesson somewhere in there. One more meaningful than the one his father had told him. Light felt like weeping now. He felt like melting into a puddle of tears, until he could rebuild himself from the ashes. He couldn’t take the pain, he wanted to be bled dry. Indistinct sounds rang inside of his ear,s and he felt his arms shake. How could this feel so truly terrible, yet the only thing that made sense? His heart contracted painfully. 

And then it was over. He didn’t know if it was over for him, but he didn’t care. L slumped onto him, and felt like a dead man. Light felt dead. He then rolled off of Light and Light heard a dull thump behind him. He frowned, and realized he was still breathing heavily. This had been a terrible error. He felt hollow, like all of his essence had been removed. Who was he again? he didn’t remember. The intense pain and blinding passion was gone, and he was filled with stupidity. He couldn’t move. 

“Are you okay?"

*I’m not.* He thought. Because, he didn’t know what to do now. He was out of the eye of the storm and thrown back into the thrashing waves. Everything felt superficial, artificial. That hadn’t of just happened to him. He wasn’t weak, he was in control. He was the most powerful….oh what did it matter? Everything was poisonous rot. Nothing was forgotten, and everything was felt. He loved L more than he loved himself. And that scared him. He hated L exactly how he hated himself. He couldn’t exist without L. What had he done? How had it gotten this far? It was one kiss. He had closed his eyes for a second. 

He was just a depressing waif, a nobody who hid behind perfect smiles and faux brilliance. He needed L, but he couldn’t have him. He was like a patient with lung cancer, who just wanted one more smoke. He wanted poison to fill his lungs one more time, before he passed over to the great beyond. Why couldn’t he get rid of L? How did he have such a pull on him?

Light felt physically sick, and everything ached. His neck felt twisted out of sorts, and his arms screamed at him. He slumped over on his side, feeling his stomach lurch. The bed felt like cement, and it was breaking his bones. It was crushing him. He couldn’t breathe-

“Light?”

And Light sat up, shaking his head, and felt a distinct wetness. He frowned, it was all too real. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you give me more than a one word answer? What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking about how I should probably try and go to my last class of the day. I’ve already missed one. Oh, but then how can I use my ‘I was sick’ excuse? I could say that I slept in, but that’s pretty embarrassing. It’s undignified, and something that Light Yagami would never do. And now I’m talking in third person, like I’ve just turned into fucking Misa. Is it hot in here? I should probably go, my neck still hurts.” The words poured out of him, and he couldn’t stop. He spoke quickly, like he was afraid the words wouldn’t come out if he hesitated. 

“You aren’t okay.” L spoke quietly as he stood up. He felt bare, and he could feel his legs shake. He delicately picked up his pants, frowning when he realized they had become wrinkled. He should’ve made L fold them. That seemed like an eternity ago.

Light shrugged. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I let you.”

“No, I know. But…you look pained. Like someone just died or something overflowed in the microwave.”

Light didn’t have a response to that, but he had to get his phone. Fuck, it was still recording. Light sighed, this wasn’t a part of the plan. Or maybe it was. Why had he come here? “Can you get me some water?”

L scurried off like a servant ready to please, and Light snatched his phone back. He grimaced, his thumb hovering over the trashcan. But, he’d keep it. For now. Just more evidence of his sins, not like he didn’t them carved into his arm. He shoved the phone in his pocket wanting to forget about it, and heard the rushing of water. L was probably hiding the fact that he was throwing up, because he still felt disgusted by Light. He felt his heart sink and nervously bit his lip. It had all been an act, just another way for L to get his rocks off. He still didn’t care. How stupid could Light be? He was alone again, with only himself. He didn’t want to be around himself right now, but where else could he go?

Without thinking, he lifted up the sleeve of his grey sweater to study his arm. He didn’t know when he had developed this morbid hobby, but sometimes he liked to stare at the faded white lines. Sometimes he’d trace them, and sometimes he’d cry. They were just so hideous. They were paler than his skin, and stood out like where’s waldo. They were long and raised, and sometimes they would scream at him. They would remind him of how he had brutalized himself, how he was capable of that. It reminded him of pain and suffering and everything nasty the world had to offer. His eyes roamed over the marks, sometimes he hoped that if he stared at them long enough then they would disappear like a mirage. 

Even though it was nearing the month of June, he still had a crewneck on and he could feel himself start to sweat. He had worn long sleeves for three years. Even in the dead of summer, when the cicadas would sing and the sun would liquify anything. No one ever asked any questions. Probably because they didn’t notice, most people didn’t pay attention to detail. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they already knew the answer, and knew it would be rude to ask. Maybe they didn’t care.

He nearly jumped out of his skin as he noticed L had come back, and was staring at him. L eyes were full of pity, and understanding. He hated it. 

“It’s nothing.” He blurted out. He pulled his sleeve back over and smoothed out his shirt, feeling self-conscious.

“I’m sorry.” L whispered, his voice breaking. Light just stared back at him as if he were a scarecrow, filled with nothing but straw and maggots.

“Don’t talk about it.”

“I’m sorry….for all of it.”

“It never goes away.” He choked out. “It’s always there….and I can’t fix it. They said the stitches would heal it, they said I’d never notice it!” A bitter laugh spilled from his lips and he screamed at himself to shut up. “It didn’t heal, and it’s been three years.”

L opened his mouth and closed it.

“I think getting a tattoo to cover it up would be worse. It would be in such a awkward place, and everyone would know. The tattoo artist would know. And people who have tattoos aren’t respectable, in my eyes. I don’t want to have an even more garish mark on my skin. It was perfect and now…it’s just hideous. I’M hide-“

“You are NOT hideous.” L told him in a tight voice, slowly walking over as if he was afraid to startle the brunette. “You are the most beautiful person in this whole entire cursed universe. God sent you to me.”

*You’re lying.* Light thinks. *It’s not true, none of it is.*

“I’m not lying.* L says after a moment, as if he’s reading his thoughts. Light shudders, it’s creepy when he does that.

The silence that fills the room after is deadly.

"I gotta go.”

And Light walks away, from all of his wretched feelings.

When he returns home later, he resists the urge to slam the door. He doesn’t feel any better. He had wandered around aimlessly like a lost spirit hours after he had left L’s. He had sat on a park bench, and he must've looked pathetic. He probably looked like his pet rabbit who had been with him since he was a mere boy had just passed. If only it was that simple. He had debated buying bread to feed the birds, before remembering who he was. He had stared up at the moving clouds and stared into the sun until his eyes physically burned. He still felt completely empty.

“Where were you?” Kiyomi asks as soon as he walks through the door. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard, and Light groans. Can’t he be left alone for five minutes without someone needing him?

“Out.” He the face plants into the couch, and resists the urge to scream loudly.

“Out where?” Kiyomi asks testily.

“Just out.” He mumbles into the couch cushion, smashing his face into the leather. It still smells brand new, like it just came off of the cow’s back. A cow died so that he could have a surface to mourn on. How beautiful, that cow would be honored if it could see how it’s life mission had been fulfilled. “What, is it a crime to want fresh air now?”

“You cut it way too close.” Kiyomi sniffs. “Dinner is going to be ready soon, and we have a guest coming.”

Great. “Who?” Light prays that it isn’t one of Kiyomi’s wispy friends who not so subtly flirt with him and think that twilight is a literary masterpiece. Or, God he hopes it isn’t her mother. Takada-san makes him feel about as small as an ant, because no one is good enough for her darling ‘Ki-Ki’. Not even someone as perfect as him, which is offensive. He’s the best that anyone could ever hope for, so obviously her mother is jealous. 

“Didn’t I tell you? Ryuzaki-san is coming in about…nowish.”

Light immediately shoots up from the couch and his head throbs as if he’s just gotten off of a turbulent roller coaster. What? “Huh? What do you mean?” No, this is not happening. Light refuses to accept this reality. He must be hearing things, he’ll have to go get his ears checked as soon as possible. 

“I ran into him at the store today, and invited him over.” Kiyomi explains, bringing plates over to the table. “I thought you’d want to spend more time with your friend. He says that you two haven’t seen each other in three years.”

L is such a bastard, Light can’t believe it. But he can, because this is exactly the type of irritating behavior L would normally exhibit. He can’t imagine anything more awkward than sitting beside his girlfriend and his….L. Today is definitely not Light Yagami’s day.

“I can’t have guests around here.” Light says in an authoritative voice. “I look and feel like something a cat would cough up. I think I’ve caught a bug.”

Kiyomi frowns, but doesn’t stop bringing food over to the table. “You were fine this morning.” She points out.

“Things change.” Light says, not even bothering to hide his irritation.

“Don’t be rude, Light.” Kiyomi sighs, lecturing him like she’s his mother. This is the one thing he detests about Kiyomi, she always thinks she knows better. Which he knows she doesn’t. Especially about this. Kiyomi must get turned on from being so condescending, for she does it almost constantly. If Light wanted someone to scold and mold him into a proper lad, he’d of dated his old principle. “I already invited him, and it’s too late to cancel. I thought he was your friend.”

If this was a movie, Light would break fourth wall and stare into the camera with a smirk on his face. Ha, Kiyomi is funny. Usually when she doesn’t mean to be. 

“But I feel like shit.” Light ground out. “I can’t be around anyone, I want to lay on the couch.”

“And watch south park?” Kiyomi scoffs. “Please, you look like you’ve been lazing around all day. Can you get changed into some….neater clothes?”

Light frowns. “My clothes are fine.”

“You look like you’ve just gotten them out of a bargain bin.”

“THIS is my To-Oh university sweatshirt.” Light tells her with haughty pride. “It cost me six thousand yen! It certainly wasn’t a bargain.”

“It has a stain on it.” Kiyomi fusses and Light pales. He hopes it’s not cu…..oh good, it just some spicy mayonnaise. He had sushi for lunch. 

“I don’t have the energy to change.” Light sighs dramatically, slinking down into the couch to sulk. His posture is awful, and his back protests. 

“Well, find some energy.” Kiyomi tells him with too much cheeriness injected into her voice.

“No.”

“No?”

“Yeah. No.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Kiyomi hisses, stalking over to him like she is a lion about to pounce. He just grimaces. “Did you really get sick?”

“Yeah, sick of everyone’s bullshit.” He laughs at his little joke, letting out a snort. Kiyomi doesn’t look impressed with him at all, and stares down her nose disdainfully. 

“That’s not funny.” What? Of course it is. He is sick of everyone’s bullshit. It’s funny and the truth. “What happened? Did someone drop a latte near your shoes again?”

Light scowls at that memory. Those had been new loafers, ones that were so high class and expensive that his bank account was nearly drained. Light hated butterfingers, and vowed that day to never walk near someone holding a cup of coffee again. Who did that coffee think it was, trying to ruin his new shoes? It was a very horrifying and disrespectful experience. 

“Can I just get some rest for five fucking minutes?” He all but begs. 

“Light, go splash cold water on your face.” She orders, like that’s a cure all. 

“I don’t want cold water.” He grumbles. “I think I’m going to go to bed now.” He then slumped over and laid his head on the arm rest.

“Light, don’t.” She told him in a very cold tone. She crossed her arms and shook her head.

“I’m tired.”

“You’re acting really rude.”

“Kiyomi, fuck off.”

Kiyomi looks at him as if he’s just shot her. She takes a step back, and places her hand delicately over her heart. She just can’t help it, he’s never swore at her before. Light knows that he probably looks like a stranger in this moment. A very filthy stranger wearing his skin. 

“I can’t-“ Anddddd the doorbell chimes. This is so horribly unfunny, Light could cry. He shuts his eyes so that he can drown out reality. Kiyomi’s voice stops him from doing that.

“Can you collect yourself?” She asks tightly. 

Light shrugs. “Ryuzaki can see me like this, I don’t care.”

“Well I do.” Kiyomi snaps. “You can’t just sleep when friends come over, Light. That’s impolite.”

“I don’t care. Ryuzaki doesn’t know the first thing about manners, he won’t be bothered.”

“Can you at least go into the bedroom for a few minutes? That way you can smooth your hair out.”

“My hair?” Light gasps, a short knock sounds at the door. That was too far. “My hair is FINE!”

“Light!” She shouts.

“That is my name.”

She looks at him as if he is a stain under her heel. The clock is ticking, and she hasn’t invited the guest in yet. She hasn’t even answered the door. Now who’s being rude? She hesitates, before stalking over to the front door.

“Act normal, please.” She hisses, before plastering a fake smile upon her pinched face and opening the door. And there he stands, the man of the hour. Light just shoots him a glare. This is all his fault. 

“Hello Ryuzaki-san.” Kiyomi says in a sickly sweet voice, bowing. “Please, come in.” She shoots Light a discreet glare, which he pointedly ignores. 

“I’m sorry about Light.” She laughs nervously, shutting the door behind L. “He just went for a run and is a little tired.” Well, that’s a lie. And a very obvious one. But Kiyomi wants to keep up appearances, so she just smiles thinly and bustles off to the kitchen. He’s wearing khaki’s for Christ’s sake, how could he run in those?

Light tries to sit up, and ends up slumping against the back of the couch. He yawns tiredly and furiously rubs his eyes. He feels so tired, like all of his energy has been sucked away. His limbs feel light and weightless, and he wants to sleep for a thousand years.

“Hi Ryuzaki.” He mutters as the man comes to stand in front of him. He tilts his head back to look at the ceiling, his neck aching from the pressure. He can’t bear to look at L’s wide black orbs anymore, it’s all too much.

“Hello Light-kun.” L replies and Light frowns, he had thought that that nickname was long gone. He shoots a quick glare at L, but the detective is just looking at him with a small smirk plastered on his pale face. “Tired?”

Light rolled his eyes, wasn’t that obvious? That was what Kiyomi had already established anyway. “A bit.” He answered gruffly, pulling himself off of the couch and begrudgingly walking over to the table. 

“So how was your day?” L asks cautiously, earning a scowl from Light. What he really wants to know is if Light went off and had some sort of mental breakdown. He’s not some fragile glass doll and he doesn’t need L’s pity. He sullenly glares at the empty plate in front of him, watching Kiyomi finish the last of the food. It looks to be orange chicken and stir fry. After examining the noodles closer, Light realizes there is broccoli in them. What? He wrinkles his nose, Kiyomi knows that he hates broccoli. It’s just unnatural, and it tastes like dirt. Light doesn’t want to eat little trees, the texture is all wrong and he always feels like he’s chewing on bone marrow. So now he can’t even enjoy his dinner? What was Kiyomi thinking? 

“Why did you put broccoli in the stir fry?” Light calls out, trying to keep his voice airy and polite. He turns to L, remembering his question. “It was fine, I went to the park and debated whether I should blow my brains out or not.”

L’s eyes widened and Kiyomi came hurrying in. The frown in her face looked so deep he worried that it would be stuck there permanently. “He’s kidding.” She let out a small laugh, though her eyes were shooting fire. “Light, don’t be morbid.”

“It was a joke.” He defended, picking up his chopsticks just so that his hands would be occupied. “And you didn’t answer my question.”

“I thought broccoli sounded good tonight.” Kiyomi shrugged, sitting herself down and pouring a glass of wine. Light frowns, it’s white wine, which he also hates. It tastes too much like acid and burns his mouth He frowns before he can help himself. Was this meal made solely to drag on his eternal suffering? “And I tried out a new recipe that requires broccoli. You can just pick it out if you want.”

*But then the taste will have already seeped into all of the other parts, so it won’t be good anyway. It’s soiled.* He doesn’t say that, though. He just nods politely and focuses on the rice and meat. Light knows that vegetables are a vital part of every meal, but he doesn’t care. He refuses to poison his body with small trees.

“You don’t like broccoli?”

“No, it's like freakish little trees.” He has a vendetta, and he isn’t shy about letting everyone know about it.

Kiyomi doesn’t respond to that, she just stiffly picks up her glass and takes a small sip. And even though he hates the beverage, Light pours himself a generous amount. He won’t be able to get through this meal, otherwise. NO he is not turning into an alcoholic! L just brings out the worst in him. He’s not going to finish the glass, anyway.

Well, it’s been about twenty minutes and Light is now on his second glass. This wine is so weak that it’s not really doing anything to him, anyway. His head just throbs a tad bit more. He hasn’t been talking much, that honor goes to Kiyomi. She and L have been babbling about pointless adult things, like travel and work. And they got into a quite rousing conversation about bunt cake. Light didn’t feel like sharing his opinion on pastries, so he sullenly shoved food into his mouth and stared past Kiyomi’s head. He busied himself with thinking about exams. He knew he was going to pass, but still. He supposed that it was human nature to be a bit worried about a big test, no matter how well you knew the material. 

Oh, someone must’ve just spoken to him because he felt Kiyomi’s foot slightly tap his leg. He paused his chewing and looked around the table. “Sorry?” He asked, swallowing the tasteless mush the food had dissolved into. “I was thinking about exams."

“Oh, when are they?” L asked conversationally, making Light freeze. L wasn’t trying to provoke him? That was a pleasant change. L stared at him with polite interest, and nothing sinister seemed to lurk under the surface of his gaze. 

Okay, he’d bite. Light straightened his back and flashed L his best award winning smile. “Next Friday.”

“Are you worried about it?”

“A little, but I’ve studied and I know the material so, it should be fine. Sometimes I just like to go over the information in my head, and it tends to make me drift off.”

“Light’s just being humble.” Kiyomi bragged, tipping her wine glass. “He’s scored number one on the exams every year.”

Light shrugged. “It’s not rocket science, exactly.”

“I’m sure you’d master that too.” L joked.

“Hm, I probably would.” Light smirked, tipping the last drops of wine down his throat.

“And you have one more year of college after this?”

“Yep.”

“And you’re going to work as a…wait don’t tell me, a detective yes?”

Light blinked in surprise. “You remembered?”

“Yeah, how could I not? You were one of the best investigators on the team, Light. It’d be a shame if you didn’t put those talents to use.”

“Well, it wasn’t that hard to excel given I was working on the same team as Matsuda-san.”

L wrinkled his nose and scoffed out a laugh. “Yes, I wonder how Matsuda-san is doing now.”

“Last I heard he was working on some home robbery case.”

“Has it been solved?”

“What do you think?”

L’s eyes glinted. “Hm, that’s a shame. I’d take the case on myself, but it’d be too boring. I’m sure I’d fall asleep after five minutes.”

“Maybe that’s how you can get to sleep.” Light joked, moving his food around the plate. He wasn’t hungry anymore. “Just look at droll case files. I remember this one where it was SO obvious that they babysitter did it, but no one suspected her because she was fourteen.”

L tutted and shook his head. “That’s usually how it goes. No one ever wants to believe innocent children could be capable of evil.”

“Sayu was a demon child when she was little.” Light rolled his eyes. “She would constantly throw stuff at me! It was awful, my parents almost considered making me wear a helmet.”

L stifled a laugh and cleared his throat, looking up at Light mischievously. “Oh, and I’m sure Light-kun was a perfect angel.”

“I was!” Light defended, he had been a dream baby. He had been a rosy cheeked cherub child, who could do no wrong. It was like he had known he had been destined for greatness as soon as he had come out of the womb. Sometimes he wished he could remember those simple years, when he had merely played with blocks and watched cartoons. Life was easier before you realized what it was. “My mom said I didn’t even cry.”

“That’s impossible.”

“I swear! Ask my mom if you don’t believe me.”

“Ha, yeah that’d be a great idea.” L’s smile faded and he looked down awkwardly. Light frowned, stabbing at a piece of chicken. Well, that was one way to kill the mood. It was all fun and games until reality set in, and they remembered who they were. Underneath all of the smiles and masks were just him and L. Kiyomi looked confused, so Light shot her a comforting smile. She wouldn’t understand. 

“Uh, would you like to take a walk?” Light asked L, swallowing thickly. He hoped Kiyomi wouldn’t ask to join them. L shrugged, plastering a smile on his face once again.

“Sure, that sounds nice.”

Light shot Kiyomi a meaningful look, and her eyes widened slightly. “I’ll clear the table.”

“Thank you.” Light breathed out. It seemed as if all of the air had suddenly left the room. She shot him a bright smile before she began to gather up the plates, the clanging rattling Light’s nerves. 

“Dinner was delicious, thank you Kiyomi-san.” L called out as they walked towards the door. Kiyomi murmured her thanks behind them. 

The air outside was soft and gentle, and the sun was beginning to set. The large yellow star painted lines of pink and purple across the sky, and Light could hear crickets chirping. The sun bled into the horizon, and Light sighed. This time of night was always so serene and perfect, and nothing ever felt too bad. He loved taking walks outside, especially in the summer. The warm weather slightly cooled at night, and the great outdoors became the perfect temperature. It was the only time that Light felt he wouldn’t die of heatstroke. 

The pair asked silently for a few moments, just enjoying the other's company. Which was a change. Usually they couldn’t be alone for five minutes without someone accusing the other of something, or furious intercourse occurring. He could feel L beside him, almost as if he was a magnet pulling Light in closer. He resisted the urge to lean on to the other. A dog barked somewhere near by, and the distinct squealing of tires was heard. Light frowned, he hated it when other’s would drive recklessly. That was against the law, and endangered the lives of others. Some people really did have no care in the world. 

“Did you want to talk about anything in particular out here?” L questioned, breaking up their quiet paradise. Light sighed and awkwardly rubbed the back of his head. He could feel L’s coal black eyes burning into him, and purposely avoided looking at the other. 

“I don’t want to talk, not now. I want to enjoy this for a few moments longer.”

“Oh? So that means what you want to talk about isn’t pleasant.”

“I didn’t say that. I just like the sound of silence.”

“Well, your silence is awfully loud tonight.”

Light closed his eyes, and allowed the fading rays of daylight to wash over him. He heard L’s footsteps stop from a few feet ahead of him. He just couldn’t think, not now. He wanted to feel like he was in heaven, he wanted all of the ugliness to disappear. He could almost imagine everything was perfect, if he squinted enough. If he ignored his beating heart. 

“I know what you’re going to say.” L scoffed, but Light could hear the pain underneath. His lips pulled into frown.

“Why does everything always have to be like that?”

“Like what?”

“Sad.”

“It wouldn’t be if I had my way.”

“You-“ Light stopped himself, his eyelids opened slowly and he saw L standing with his arms crossed. He looked live an upset diva, like Misa. The thought almost made Light smile. L’s hair almost seemed to shine a blackish blue in the lowlight, and the setting sun illuminated at of the angles of his face. It made him look like a stone statue, like he was too perfect to be real. His skin seemed to shine as if it was embedded with tiny glimmering crystals. L was his nightmare dressed like a daydream, and he felt as if he could stare at him until his eyes bled dry. He would never get used to how stunning L was, how perfect he was. He would never be able to fully understand how such an ugly soul could hide under a beautiful exterior. It was so unfair. But, there was an evilness in beauty. That’s why it tempted you, for everyone wanted what was lovely, no matter the price. But how could something that looked so pretty under the setting sun be so bad for him? Light didn’t know. 

“Do you even know how to be happy?” Light continued softly, feeling his heart ache. “Are we people that could ever be happy?”

“I don’t know, we were something once.”

“We were never Romeo and Juliet, L.” Light sighed loudly. “We’ll never be peaceful or content, because that’s not how we’re wired. We attract problems, and I don’t think we know how to love.”

“I know what love is.” L scowled, taking a step closer. “It’s not as simple as ‘riding off into the sunset together.’ Would we make each other miserable? Absolutely. Would we fight over anything and everything? No doubt. But love is…..love makes all of that okay. I don’t know how to explain it. I love you as much as I love myself, and I need your presence to soothe me. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’ll be perfect and sinless from now on, because that’ll never happen. But I don’t want to trudge through this lonesome world without you anymore. I just can’t.”

“Then maybe I don’t know what love is.” Light tried to ignore the beating of his heart, or the way his stomach felt as if it had just been filled with stones. He tried to look impassive instead of shocked or touched, but he knew that his eyes must betray him. They always did, in moments like these. 

“Love isn’t something you need to survive L. I could live a long and happy life without that emotion weighing me down. It’s never done me any favors, anyway. I don’t want to understand my feelings for you. My life is easy now, I don’t know what else to say.”

“You want easy?” L asked incredulously. Light nodded, who didn’t? “That’s a lie, I bet that you find your easy little life mind-numbingly dull. You need the friction to survive, you need someone who understands you. All of these people in this fucking town? They mean nothing to you. I’m the only person who’s ever meant a single thing to you.”

“And look at how that turned out.” Light shot back coolly. “What do you expect me to do? Leave Kiyomi and abandon my entire life to chase after you when you could be an entirely different person tomorrow? I can’t do that.”

“I’m not that person anymore, Light. I would never hurt you again.”

“You say that now-“

“And I’ll say it until I die.”

“I can’t sleep beside someone and wonder if they’ll stab me in the back every night!” Light shouted, running his shaking hands through his hair. “I don’t know how to be okay with you L. Maybe I want to but……it’s just too complicated.”

“So you're scared?”

“I’M taking care of myself. It’s called self-preservation.”

“It’s called giving up.”

“If I gave up-“ Light let out an incredulous laugh. “If I gave up, then right now I’d be sitting inside of some mental hospital drawing pictures of birds and clowns. I don’t give up L, I simply know when to stop beating a dead horse. I’m dead L, I can’t offer you anything. This doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It matters to me!”

“And it doesn’t matter to me enough.” Light swallowed. “Just go.”

L’s eyes widened, and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “So that’s it? That’s all I get for my efforts?”

“I don’t know what you expected.”

“You want me to leave you forever?” L hisses dangerously. Oh no, this isn’t good. He’s going to make a scene. In public! Christ, can’t anything ever end nicely? Can’t they shake hands and walk away from this whole deranged mess? Why does everything always have to be tragic and woe is me? L throws his hands up in the air, and paces form side to side furiously. He looks like he’s forgotten to take his medication, and Light wonders if he should just run. 

“You really want to loose me for a second time? You really want to marry that girl, and live like Joe normal? You really want to have kids, and go to parent teacher conferences, and drive a fucking minivan? A minivan Light! Jesus, where did your passion go? Your ambition? Why can’t you loose your stubbornness, for once in your life!? If you continue going down this narrow path I guarantee you you’ll down a bottle of pills before your thirty-nineth birthday!”

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Light breathes out, trying to ignore the way L’s words piece his skin like icy needles. He hates how L can tell him truth, and he hates that L knows exactly where to hit to make him bleed. “Just go, before I have to make you.”

“Make me?” L squawked. “Make me? Who died and made you king of the world? You can’t make me leave Light, I’ll do whatever I damn please. And I want you to finally see reason you pompous asshole!”

“Fine, then I’ll show you!” Light snapped, dread filling his being. He had wanted to be nice, he hadn’t of wanted to get ugly. But once again, L has backed him into a corner. Once again, he’ll have to use threats and blackmail to get his way. This is just like three years ago, and he’s a grown man. Why does he have to do this? He’s better than this.

“Show me what?” L’s voice sounds childlike. 

He takes slow steps towards L, his feet feeling like they weigh a million pounds. His heart seems to still, then pound rapidly, then still into nothingness. He can taste bile, and he knows that once he does what he’s about to do that he can never take it back. They’ll be ruined forever, and there will be nothingness in his life again. It’s like opening the wardrobe door to Narnia, and leaving everything behind. L will finally see how cunning and cruel he can be, and how far he will go to get what he wants. L will hate him. 

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and it seems to burn his fingertips. He can feel L’s watchful eyes studying him harshly as he pulls up the photo album. The grainy thumbnail of the clip he has in mind blurs in his vision, and his stomach tightens. Looking away, he shoves the phone in L’s face. The volume is turned down but Light can tell that L is horrified, from the way his breathing picks up. Light turns off the phone, and shoves it into his back pocket. L gets the idea. The two stand together, and the tension is so thick that one could cut the atmosphere with a steak knife. 

“Light?” It’s a question, not about his name. L wants to know what Light plans to do. L wants to know how much Light hates him.

“Your face is in that video, so. I could put that on youtube and in moments thousands of people could see your face. And even if they didn’t believe that the man in the video was L himself, the Task Force would see it. And they’d know.”

Again, Light is met with silence. Though he thinks he can hear L’s heart pounding. 

“And even untrue things become fact if you post them on the internet. Why do you think half of the world is convinced that all of the world leaders are reptiles?”

“Really?” L’s voice sounds so flat and disappointed, and Light feels his heart crack.

“I won’t post it, if you promise to leave me alone.” 

“Oh, well, I hear you loud and clear now!” L shouts and Light can hear his footsteps moving away. The other’s anger seeps into him and Light turns away. He can’t regret it. "You’re just like the rest of them, a fucking snake in the grass! You little punk, you’ll regret this when you’re eighty and sad, and rotting away in some nursing home where your cursed offspring will never visit you because even they’ll know how rotten you are! You stupid, weak-“

L continues to spit out curses as Light forces himself to walk back to his house. But he doesn’t hear them anymore. He presses delete and shoves his phone back into his pocket, resisting the urge to smash it on the concrete. He wants it to look like his soul, all broken and mangled. 

“Wowie, that was pretty hysterical! You sure got him, huh Light? Though I never pictured you of all people to make a sex tape. Huh, you surprise me every day.”

Light grits his teeth, not even bothering to look over his shoulder. He can hear Ryuk’s wings flapping obnoxiously, and all he wants to do is move away to somewhere where no one will know his name. “How long have you been here?”

“About the time you two idiots started babbling about the meaning of love.” Ryuk chortled. “And for your information, what humans call love is just a chemical reaction that compels them to breed. Hyuk Hyuk, humans can be so thick when it comes to dealing with their hearts.”

“You’re preaching to the converted, Ryuk.” Light grumbles, kicking a loose pebble. “He’s just such a prick. Hopefully now he’ll leave me alone, though. I didn’t want to to have to end like this, but...”

“Hyuk, well. Misery loves company.”

“Yes, that’s very wise.” Light sighs, suddenly feeling like he needs to sit down. His head pounds and throbs, and he thinks he’s going to be sick. His stomach feels all out of sorts, like someone’s just attempted to rip the organ out of his body. It feels mangled and destroyed, so he leans over and grabs his midsection. He’s going to do it, he’s going to be sick all over this godforsaken street. Out in public. What a drag. He heaves and heaves, trying to get something to come out so that this loathsome feeling will go away. But he’s left choking on air.

“You alright buddy?” Wow, he must look so disturbed that even Ryuk’s scratchy voice has a touch of concern. “Don’t go dying on me yet.”

In between the gasps of air , laughter bubbles from his lips. It’s a sick noise, one that is harsh and grating. It tears at his vocal chords, making his throat feel raw and shredded. It sounds like he’s trying not to cry, it’s a desperate and maniacal sound. It shakes his whole body, and he leans against the wall. All he can do is cackle like a mad dog while hot tears stream down his face. 

“Oh my God.” He chokes out, watching a tear fall onto the sidewalk. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Uh, maybe you should go and eat an apple. That always works for me.” Ryuk tells him nervously.

“It hurts Ryuk.” He’s talking nonsense now, he just needs someone to tell him it’s going to be okay. “I don’t understand why it hurts.”

“There there.” To his horror, he feels Ryuk’s taloned hand begin to lightly pat his back. Is this what his life has come to? He needs a demon to comfort him? Light would laugh, if he wasn’t already. “Maybe you do love him, what do I know right?” But as Ryuk continues to console him, Light finds that he doesn’t really mind the supernatural comfort. The light rubbing on his back is soothing, and he needs that right now. If L and Kiyomi can’t understand him, maybe Ryuk will.

“You’re a god of death.” Light says quietly, wiping his face and sniffling loudly. “Tell me something insightful and wise that will suddenly make everything make sense.”

“Jeez, that’s a lot of pressure.” Ryuk chortles. He falls silent, and Light thinks for a moment that he’s decided to ignore him. Maybe he doesn’t know what’s wrong with Light, either. But suddenly, the creature speaks again. Offering him the gift of truth and knowledge. Or, whatever Ryuk’s version of that is.

“I think you and that guy have a real soul connection.” The shinigami tells him quietly, like he’s ashamed to share this information. “This may sound dumb, but I’ve told you about shinigami eyes. And not only can they see names and lifespans, they can see through people. They can read all of their intentions. And their auras.”

“What are L’s intentions?” Light slightly laughs. “What’s his aura? What’s mine?”

“You two shine brighter when you're together. Your aura is red, and his is blue. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Those colors are polar opposites, they don’t go together at all. Usually when two people have different colored auras, it means they aren’t compatible. But when you’re with him, the colors bleed into one of the richest purples i’ve ever seen. I’m serious, it’s almost heavenly.”

Light swallows thickly. That’s bullocks, right? It has to be. There is no way a damned color is rolling off of him. That doesn’t sound logical at all, and if Light repeated that to anyone, they’d lock him away in a padded room. How absurd. “Are you spouting nonsense just to shut me up?”

“Maybe.” He hears the grin in the shinigami’s voice. “I know you won’t believe me, because that’s not in your nature. You’re a very untrusting person, Light. And that’s why you won’t be with him. That’s why it hurts.”

“I’m tired of people telling me that.” Light sighs as he slowly stands up and rubs his eyes. “It’s not my fault.”

“Yeah, I’m just telling you what I’m seeing.” 

Light makes some indiscernible grunting noise and slowly walks towards his apartment. His eyes burn and his muscles feel stiff, and he can tell that he is trudging along the sidewalks like some kind of zombie. Kiyomi will probably fuss over him and ask what happened, but he doesn’t care. The worst is over, and now he has to deal with the fallout. Just like he’s done before. He thought it was all over on that hospital rooftop, but the past always seems to come back and bite him in the ass. Well, it’s over now. It has to be. L won’t want that video released, and he’ll hate Light forever for threatening his status of privacy. Light is all alone again, and that’s okay. It has to be.

“You’re back.” Kiyomi notes as he walks through the door. Everything around him feels grey. She’s sitting on the couch, watching the news, and doesn’t look up at him. “How was it?”

“Insightful.” Light grumbled, flopping down beside her. She must hear the exhaustion that his voice now possesses, because she tears her gaze away from the television to stare at him. Her eyes quickly fill with concern and she grabs his chin to inspect his face. Light almost scowls, he’s tired of people looking at him. It gets tiring, to constantly feel as if you are under a microscope. He should be used to people’s stares, and he usually appreciates them because he knows why people look at him. He needs their attention, he needs their desire. But there’s really only one person he wants to look at him, and he’s gone. Sometimes Light wishes he could be as invisible as L, and that no one would know his name. 

“Were you crying?” She asks softly, and Light sighs. He can’t open this can of worms, and what Kiyomi doesn’t know won’t hurt him. She can’t see him as a creature of weakness, she can’t.

“Allergies.” Light breathes out, settling back into the leather. “Damn grass always makes my eyes water this time of year.”

“Where’s Ryuzaki?” She asks, still prying.

“He left, he has an early flight to catch tomorrow.”

“Oh.” She trails her hand down his arm and leans onto his shoulder. “He was nice, it’s a shame he has to leave.”

“Yeah. He has to get back to work or whatever.” He replies dully, looking at the mugshot that’s just appeared on the screen. It's of a man who’s committed arson. His eyes are small and mean, and apparently his child was in the house when it happened. How can some people possess such evilness? She was only four, and had her whole life ahead of her. How could her father do that? It’s despicable. Why is Ryuk laughing?

“Do you miss him?”

“I guess.”


	20. Mission (Im)Possible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing for Mello so much, I hope I got his characterization okay:) All three of the Wammy's boys are finally off to Japan to talk to Light...without L *gulp* This is either a very good plan or a very bad plan...honestly it's both haha
> 
> The next chapter is gonna be a shitshow, I can't wait to write it
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter and enjoy the addition of the three musketeers! My heart grows three sizes whenever I read your comments and reviews, so keep 'em coming!≧◡≦

Mello stopped in front of L’s room, and frowned. Elliot Smith was playing again, just like it had been ever since his mentor had gotten back from Japan. Mello had been waiting for L along with Matt when Roger got the call to open the gates to let L’s car in. Mello had been excited to hear about the detective’s trip and wanted all of the juicy details. But L hadn’t of said a word to anyone, he’d just slammed the door and stalked up to his room. No one had been allowed to visit him except Mr. Wammy. And that was only because the man brought him dinner. Mello had pressed his ear close to the door and found that the old man had been doing all of the talking. L’s door stayed shut and he hadn’t of left his room in the six days he had been back. Mello knew something was wrong, and he had a sneaking suspicion that the pretty brunette on the computer screen had had something to do with it. 

So raising his gloved hand, he reached up to knock at the door. Silence. Annoyed, Mello knocked again. But L wasn’t answering him, and Mello knew that he wasn’t sleeping because L never slept. He was purposefully being ignored, and Mello hated being ignored.

So, deciding to forgo all pleasantries and manners, Mello tried the door handle. Luckily for him, it was unlocked. So, sucking in a deep breath the blonde pushed the door open. But he froze in his tracks when his eyes took in the scene in front of him. First of all, the room smelled awful. It smelled like someone had hacked up an expired pizza pocket. There were clothes strewn everywhere, and Mello saw a cracked picture frame with glass lying all over the floor. Grimacing, he delicately stepped over the shards. His mentor was currently swaddled in white sheets, and stared blankly up at the ceiling. He hadn’t of even acknowledged Mello’s presence, which made the blonde’s heart race. This wasn’t L. What had happened to L?

“Hey, L?” He finally spoke, and heard that his voice was shaking. Irritated, Mello cleared his throat and made his way to the foot of the bed. Old cupcake wrappers were thrown all over the floor, and he frowned. “What are you doing?”

L blinked lazily, but didn’t look at the boy. Instead, he simply shifted a little bit. That was the only sign that L wasn’t a decaying corpse.

“Mello, I am busy right now.” He responded in a toneless voice, making the blonde cock his head. L sounded even more emotionless than usual, which Mello didn’t think was possible to do.

“You’re staring at the ceiling.” Mello stated, letting out a nervous chuckle. L didn’t laugh.

“I’m tired.”

The blonde brushed a stray hair away from his eyes. “Well, I know that’s a lie because you never sleep. You’re like a vampire or something.”

L sighed, and rolled over onto his side, turning his back to Mello. “Please leave my room.”

Mello’s heart caught in his throat. “No.” He scowled. “You’re acting all weird and depressed, what’s the deal?”

Again, he was met with a stony silence. So Mello decided to do what he did best, talk.

“Is it because of that kid? What was his name, Light?” L’s lips must’ve been sealed with superglue. “Did things not work out?”

Mello sighed, nothing was working.

“I’m worried about you. And even though they won’t say anything, the rest of the kids around here are too. I mean, you’re THE L. You’re the greatest man who’s ever existed. So what if that pretty boy doesn’t want to be with you? It’s his loss, and you could do better. You can’t just sit around all day, that’s not productive and it’s just plain stupid. Being sad isn’t going to change anything, you need to get motivated! I think you should get up, clean this pig sty, and then-“

“Mello!” The blonde nearly jumped out of his skin as his name was yelled. L’s voice had taken on a different tone, one that was scathing and filled with poison. “Did you not hear me? I told you to leave, and you will respect my wishes.”

Mello knew the wise thing to do would be to walk back to his own room, but Mello wasn’t anything if he wasn’t stubborn. He wasn’t going to be deterred by L’s shouting, he wanted to help. Isn’t that what L’s REAL and TRUE successor would do? 

“Come on, don’t be a pill.” The blonde groaned playfully. “Let’s do something fun, like go out to the garden. Matt and I built a bird house last week. It was for a project, which is soooo lame, but we made it all cool! It’s painted like neon green, and we even put a little window in it.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“Well then, what are you in the mood for? Can we bake a cake?”

“Mello.” L sighed heavily. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Can you at least tell me what’s wrong with you?"

“I won’t ask again.” L’s voice drawled warningly. “Go back to your room, and work on some homework. Shouldn’t you be in class right now?”

“…It’s five o’clock.” Mello mumbled nervously. “Don’t you know what time it is?”

L just sat there like a lump on a log. Mello frowned, why wasn’t anything he was saying working? What could he do? He hated seeing L all laid up like some terminally ill patient, and he wanted L to talk to him as he normally did. He cautiously shifted closer and patted L’s left arm. 

But the detective’s arm immediately stiffened under his touch and in a split second L had shot up to glare at him. Trying to stifle an alarmed yelp, Mello quickly scrambled off of the bed. L looked like a hungry tiger, one that was ready to attack. His dull black eyes had suddenly come alive with fury.

“Leave me alone Mello.” L told him in a dangerously cold voice. “If you don’t leave within the next five seconds, then you’ll regret it.”

The blonde’s words caught in his throat as he quickly nodded and made his way out of L’s room. 

L closed his eyes as he heard the quickly retreating footsteps of his successor. If he had had more energy, he would have felt quite guilty about snapping at the boy. He had only been trying to help, after all. But L was in a foul mood, and he didn’t want to converse with anyone. Not Mr. Wammy, not Roger and especially not with any of the orphans. Mr. Wammy had been trying to get him to speak about what had happened ever since he came back to his hotel room and drank a whole bottle of vodka in forty five minutes. But L didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to think about what had happened.

Light had rejected him, again. And Light truly hated him, so much so that he had gone as far as to blackmail him. He shouldn’t of been surprised, he should’ve known that it was better to leave it alone. 

Because now that he had confirmation of Light’s feelings, it just made him feel worse. The brunette was still affected by his betrayal, even after all these years. He wouldn’t forgive L, no matter what he said or did. The knife had been driven in too deep, and the wound hadn’t been cleaned properly. L just had to accept that he would never get to be with Light ever again.

And, that hurt. L’s heart felt more shattered than it had that day when B had nearly beaten him into a bloody pulp. Nothing felt real, and everything felt hopeless. All L could feel was darkness, and the throbbing of his own heart. Sugar had lost it’s taste, and every case he had attempted to look at since only seemed like busy work. L had attempted to watch some mindless television, but that didn’t work either. There was always a love confession that ended with the characters happily riding off into the sunset. But that just wasn’t real life. Real life was painful and harsh, and sometimes nothing you could say or do would get you your happy ending. In real life, when people fucked up sometimes that was all there was to it. No grand gesture or outpouring of love would get him the guy, in the end. 

No, L knew that he’d have to live a life without his brunette soulmate. Light had been right all those years ago, all great love stories did end tragically. He’d never get to kiss or hold or tell Light that he loved him ever again. And L somehow knew that he’d never meet anyone that he loved more than Light. No, Light had been his true love. He had loved Light more than he had ever loved B. God had given him a second chance at love, and he had soiled it. Now, he just had to deal with the fall out. Now, all he could do was listen to whiny music about heartbreak and stare up at the ceiling. Now, all he could do was wait for death.

Shutting the door softly behind him, Mello leaned against the wall and caught his breath. Great! Now he had angered L. That wasn’t good for his status, not at all.

*Near never angers L.* Mello thought angrily, cracking his knuckles. *What if L gives the position to Near after all of this?” Terror gripped his heart and for a moment all he saw was whiteness. No, L was just in a bad mood. He wouldn’t kick Mello out of the program for one little misstep, right? But Mello had never seen L look that angry, or that hollow…Mello gulped, this wasn’t good at all.

*I have to fix it.* Mello thought to himself as he raced back to his room. *I can’t have this position taken away from me, it’s my whole life! And I can’t just watch L wither away into nothingness because he has a broken heart. No, I can do something about this….* A small smile formed on Mello’s face as he opened the door to his and Matt’s room. He was slowly forming the perfect plan. One that would not only show his true talents, but one that would make L happy again.

*This has to work.* Mello told himself as he stood in front of his red-headed boyfriend, arms crossed. He knew that if he wanted this plan to succeed, he’d need the help of his boyfriend. He just hoped Matt wouldn’t be difficult about it.

Matt didn’t look up at him at first, because he was too focused on his damn video game. “Matty, helloooooo.” He waved his hand frantically in front of Matt’s face. This finally made the red head look up, though he scowled as he did.

“What Mello? Dammit, I’m on level one hundred and five, and I’m about to defeat the boss!” Matt told him sourly, make Mello’s eyes narrow. This plan was much more important than some pixelated medal!

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about that Matty, I need your help with an important plan.” Mello told him, rolling his blue eyes at his boyfriend’s one-track mind.

“I’m not helping you set a flour bomb for Near.” Matt told him shortly, grabbing at his 3DS. Mello felt annoyance bubble up inside of him, so he grabbed the damned object. Matt’s eyes grew wide and he grabbed at the game, though Mello kept it out of arms reach.

“This isn’t some prank, this is serious.” Mello hissed. “It’s about L. He’s….sad, like really sad.”

Matt’s arm stopped flailing about wildly, and he dropped it to his side. “Okayyyy…” He said slowly, eyes narrowing. “If you want to bake him a cake-“

“We’re not in kindergarten Matt.” Mello spat. “No, we need to help him. He looks like he’s dying of a broken heart.”

“So what? You want me to set him up with a dating profile? I dunno Mells, L needs to keep his identity a secret….I don’t think he’d appreciate that.”

Mello’s fists clenched as annoyance rushed through his veins. Even though he was the third smartest student at Wammy’s, sometimes Matt could be so dull. “No, he obviously wants that Light character. I think something happened between them last time, and now L’s too busy wailing about it to fix anything.”

“You caught him crying?”

Mello’s eyes narrowed. “No, I was being dramatic. But he looks dead, seriously. He looks like some kind of half-baked zombie.”

“Well, I don’t see what we can do about that. L and his ex should work things out on their own.”

“Obviously that didn’t work out! L might be the smartest man alive, but he doesn’t know how to deal with relationships. I mean, just look at how his last one went.”

Both boys shuddered at the memory of the infamous B. Mello had never forgiven him for crushing his rosary, and every night he prayed that B was having a nice toasty stay in hell. 

“So, what? You want me to send him an instant message? How would that even work?” Matt asked, frowning as he lifted his goggles up to rub his eyes. “‘Hey, we’re L’s successors and we think you should get back with him because right now all he’s doing is stewing in sadness.’ We don’t even know what happened between them.”

“No you idiot, we have to do something bold! Something this guy can’t refuse, something to make him see how important L is.” Mello took a deep breath, a small smile spreading onto his face. “We have to go to Japan and convince him to get back together with L.”

Matt’s eyes glazed over and he stared at Mello as if he had just suggested they go skinny dipping in toxic waste. “Dude….” Matt started, his voice filled with annoyance. “Are you crazy?”

Mello stomped his foot, and bit his lip to keep from yelling obscenities. “Look, it may seem a bit extreme-“

“You’re talking about going to another fucking country Mello!” Matt gaped. “In case you forgot, we’re sixteen. And….well it’s just pea-brained. Honestly, what are you thinking?”

“No listen Matt, we need to have a nice lovely chat with him about how stupid he’s being! He won’t listen to us if we’re some anonymous profile online, we need to go there in person and convince him!”

“Mells, I’m not going overseas with you.” Matt said firmly. “We’d get into so much trouble, and then get grounded until we were forty five.”

“We won’t get into trouble if they get back together though.” The blonde argued. “L would be so grateful, and then he’d make me his number one successor!”

Matt gave him a blank stare. “You really think that?"

“He’ll be indebted to me.” Mello nodded his head. “This is a smart plan Matty, you have to admit it. Who else would go to these extreme lengths? Not Near! Only I have the brains and brawn to pull it off.”

“Mello, don’t your plans always end horribly? Remember the time you tried to frame Near for drug possession?”

“Well that would’ve WORKED if you’d of actually put cocaine in the baggie instead of flour!” Mello glared at the red head, placing his hands on his hips. 

“And where was I supposed to get cocaine from? Did you expect me to go down to some dark street corner in Winchester?” Matt demanded, returning Mello’s glare. Mello ignored his remark. That plan had been one of his best, he’d almost managed to get the police to come before Roger had stuck his nose in and found Matt planting a baggie of flour. That had told Mello that if you want something to be done right, you have to do it yourself. 

“And how are we even going to get on the plane? We’re underage.” Matt started again, trying to poke holes in his ingenious plan. Mello frowned. 

“We’ll say that our parents are already on the plane or something. I’ll sweet talk the flight attendant, it can’t be that hard. We’re students at Wammy’s house for God’s sake, and two of the top three! If we can’t manage to get on one measly plane, then can we really call ourselves genii?”

Matt didn’t respond to that, he just crossed his arms and stared sullenly at Mello. “Mells….I think we should just stay out of it. There’s too many things that could go wrong, and-“

“So what, you’re scared?” Mello sneered. “Life isn't fun without risks, Matt. And I’m doing this with or without you."

Matt’s eyes widened at the ultimatum and he sullenly fell backwards onto the bed, letting out an annoyed huff. Mello sighed, he hated when Matt would act all pissy towards him. The red head was his best friend, his soul mate. Wherever Mello went, Matt followed and vice versa. He couldn’t do this without Matt, no matter what he said. 

So, Mello decided to play dirty. Literally. Curling up besides the redhead, he wrapped his arms around his waist and whispered lowly in his ear. “If you do this, I’d be soooooo happy. I promise to play video games with you for three whole hours if you come with.”

He could hear Matt’s sharp intake of breath. The red head knew Mello must be deadly serious, because he hated video games. The flashing lights and complicated puzzles always made his head ache, and he thought the whole activity was a waste of precious time. He never understood the appeal. But, he used this card whenever he REALLY wanted something from Matt. As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. 

“You swear?” Mello could almost feel Matt’s resolve wavering, and he nodded eagerly. Now it was time to close the deal.

“Yep. AND I’ll throw in a hand job.” Mello smirked as Matt sat up excitedly. His blue eyes gleamed and he looked like the cat who had just gotten the cream. 

“YOU sir have got a deal.” Matt smiled and leaned down to softly kiss the tip of the blonde’s nose. “But, I’d of gone with you anyway. No matter how stupid I think this plan is, I’d never leave your side.”

Mello’s heart filled with warmth and he looked away in an attempt to hide his flustered embarrassment. “I hate you.” He whispered playfully, lightly punching the red heads arm. “Okay, so. We need a flight for tonight. Maybe after…ten? Because both Wammy and Roger are old codgers who'll go to bed at nine, and we can’t risk them catching-“

Suddenly, the door swung open and Mello’s breath caught in his throat. He stared in horror as the ghostly sheep of his nightmares slowly made his way into the room. He gave each of the boys a blank stare, and Mello quickly slammed Matt’s laptop shut. Near was not going to spoil this plan for him! No, Mello wouldn’t accept that. His veins filled with molten lava, why couldn’t anything ever go right?

“Near, get the hell out. We’re about to start kissing.” Mello snapped, trying to sound casual. Near just simply cocked his head and curled a piece of white hair around his finger. 

“I heard what you two were talking about.” Near revealed, making Mello’s heart drop into his intestines. “Just what are you two thinking?”

“What are you talking about?” Matt laughed nervously.

“You two are planning on traveling to Japan alone to find L’s ex lover. I heard you through the door, you should really learn how to be quieter. Especially in a place like this.”

“You shitbird! Were you spying on us? That’s so nosey!” Mello hissed, his head beginning to throb painfully. “Leave us alone, we’re trying to help L!”

“You think L wants your help? I think he’d be quite displeased.” Near shot back, giving Mello a dull stare.

“L does want our help Near.” Mello shouted, his hands curling into fists. He could feel a vein in his temple threatening to burst. Just who did Near think he was, making assumptions like that? “Clearly, you don’t know L at all and that’s why I’m the better successor!”

“You two can not travel to Japan alone.” Near told him calmly, not even slightly affected by Mello’s shouting. “Mello is too hot-headed, and Matt doesn’t pay enough attention to detail. I hate to say this, but you two will end up abducted. I must inform L-“

“Like hell you will!” Mello shrieked, jumping off of the bed and pointing a threatening finger in front of Near’s face. The boy didn’t even flinch. “You are not taking this away from me Near. If you say anything to L, I will burn you in your bed!”

“Hey!” Matt finally shouted, gently grabbing the blonde’s arm. Mello looked down at Matt, who was looking quite disturbed. He let out a harsh breath and slumped back down on the bed as Matt soothingly ran his hand up and down Mello’s shaking arm. “Let’s not do anything we’ll regret. Near, what will it take for you to keep quiet?”

Near placed a small hand over his mouth and looked up to the ceiling, as if he was thinking. Mello felt anxiety bubble up inside of him and struggled to push it down. He hoped Near wasn’t going to ask for something impossible, like half of Mello’s chocolate stash. Or, heaven forbid, for Mello to be nice to him. Gag! Mello couldn’t bear the waiting, and the seconds seemed to drag by at a snail’s pace. He could hear the sweat drip out of his pores. 

Near’s lips curved into a small smile as he finally spoke. “Okay, I will not tell L if you let me accompany you two to Japan.”

“Hell no!” Mello blurted out, feeling his heart beat furiously. He could feel his eyes burning with fire and shot Near a look that he knew would make a lesser man collapse. No, there was NO way in hell Near was mooching off of his mission! This had been Mello’s idea dammit, and he didn’t want Near to take nay of the credit. He was going to be the shining star, for once in his godforsaken life. Near couldn’t always be the best, Mello deserved to win too! And plus, he didn’t want to drag Near along. He’d just cramp their style, with his robots and hair pulling. Mello felt sick.

“No, no, no, and no! There is absolutely no way you’re coming with! It’ll be a cold day in hell before I let you share any of my glory, you fucking sheep-“

“Mello.” Matt sighed, exasperated. “Just let him come. What choice do we have, right?”

“Matt, no.” Mello gaped, offended by Matt’s willingness to let him tag along. “This is my mission, and-“

“And if it succeeds, you’ll get the credit for it. Right Near?” Matt asked, holding Mello’s trembling hand tightly. Near just nodded his head once, a solemn expression falling on his face. It made him look like one of the founding fathers, and Mello almost chuckled before he remembered himself.

“I am coming along to oversee you two, I don’t want any part in the mission.” Near told them quietly. “Plus, I have always wanted to travel, and Japan sounds like a beautiful place. I’d like to see it.”

“Fine!” Mello threw his hands up. They would just waste time arguing, and he couldn’t risk his plan being found out. He needed to do this right. When Mello decided to do something, he never did it half-assed. Besides, as long as Near didn’t stick his pointy nose into the plan then everything would be fine. As long as it was clear who was really in charge here, there would be no problems. Mello folded his arms, willing his frustration to go away. He was mature enough to handle this, he’d just pretend that Near was some spirit haunting them and ignore him. 

“But-” He started again, glaring daggers at Near. “I only have enough money saved up for Matt and I, I checked.” He hadn’t, he was just assuming since the only things he ever bought were band tee shirts, leather pants, and chocolate bars. But he wasn’t going to waste any money on Near. “So you’ll have to pay your own way, ghost boy!”

Near just nodded, unfazed. “I have some money from the stocks I recently invested in.”

Mello just gave him an owlish stare. “Bloody show off.” He muttered, starring at Matt’s typing fingers. Like he cared where Near got his money from. If he wanted to invest in stocks and be boring, he totally could! He just didn’t want to. That was all. But what he could do, was watch a plan of his finally succeed. He felt a giddy smile slide onto his face as he thought about how proud he was about to make L.

“Are you sure he goes to To-Oh?” Mello grumbled, holding up a campus map. “You better not have gotten this wrong.”

“I didn’t.” Matt mumbled beside him, and Mello could hear the beeping of buttons. The sound was like nails on a chalkboard and he grimaced, shooting a glare at the red head. Matt was walking alongside him, but kept his head down and his eyes focused on whatever Mario was doing. He heard Near’s quiet footsteps from behind him.

“Well, I don’t see him anywhere.” Mello snapped. “And we’ve been walking around this godforsaken place for twenty minutes!”

Even though they had finally gotten into Japan, Mello was not in high spirits. First of all, Roger had taken forever to go to sleep. They had almost missed their flight, until Mello had doused the man’s tea with sleeping pills. Then, they had to steal one of Mr. Wammy’s cars. What? It wasn’t like they could simply walk to town, that would take an eternity and a half. At least Mello knew how to hot-wire a car. And Matt had, luckily, just gotten his drivers license. They had almost ran over a deer, but that was besides the point. They had gotten to the airport with no scratches on the car and headed in, thinking the hard part was over. Unfortunately, it was just beginning.

Security had been a nightmare, and they almost didn’t even get the opportunity to board the damn plane. Apparently Mello had packed too much shampoo, so he had to regretfully leave it behind. He’d just have to buy some more. He hoped Japan had shampoo that wouldn’t make his brilliant blonde hair look dull. It was one of his best features. 

Then, the flight attendant almost hadn’t of believed them that their parents were waiting for them in Japan. Fortunately, Mello had made up some sob story about how his mother was dying of cancer and needed an operation in Japan, so their father had taken her to the country first. The boys were supposed to meet up with their family after the semester was over, so that way they wouldn’t of missed any school. Mello’s blue eyes had filled with tears as he gave the flight attendant his best wounded puppy look. “I just hope she’s okay.” He had sniffled. “She promised she’d always be there for us, and we can’t loose her!” He hadn’t of mentioned that his real mother had been an alcoholic prostitute who was now being dined on by worms. 

Of course they’d been seated behind some crying infant, and Mello had pondered over the repercussions of killing a baby. The flight had seemingly taken forever, and the cramped seats they were in smelled like feet. The movie that had played was Twilight, which was so totally lame that Mello had been lulled to sleep. He had been awoken by the couple beside them fighting about kitchen tables. The plane ride had just amplified Mello’s hatred of others. 

After eleven hours of hell, they had finally landed in Japan. Tired and smelling like roadkill, they had found a taxi to take them in to town. The cab driver had wanted to chat, so they had all ‘fallen asleep’. That hadn’t of stopped him though, that damn driver had somehow managed to have a conversation all by himself! He had dropped them off near a small cafe, and the boys had spent the next four and a half hours drinking coffee and eating scones before finally making their way over to To-Oh. Mello felt as if he had just been put through the wringer, and his annoyance was seriously close to turning into red-hot fury. 

The sun was beating down on them, making Mello even more annoyed. Two college students had already bumped into them, and one had almost spilled their coffee onto Mello’s new converse. He didn’t like college, he had decided. This place was too crowded and was filled with bumbling idiots. It was almost worst then Wammy’s house. 

“I’m sure he’s around here somewhere.” Near said pleasantly. “It can’t be too hard to find a brunette Japanese man. Maybe he’s in class?”

“Great, so now we have to start busting into classrooms?” Mello complained, crumpling the map in his hands. “My feet hurt.”

“Maybe we should ask someone.” Near suggested, and Mello kicked a loose rock.

“Who? One of these idiots?” He demanded, gesturing to a table of students who were laughing obnoxiously. He frowned, he just wanted to leave. He wouldn't admit it, but Mello didn’t like being around others. He often felt claustrophobic in crowds, and attributed that personality quirk to being caused by the introverted lifestyle he had lived at Wammy’s.

“Excuse me?” A voice to his left called, sounding quite offended. *Shit.* Mello gulped, guiltily looking over. The laughter had stopped and all of the occupants at the table were sending him dangerous glares. That remark had been louder than he had meant.

“Oh, ignore him. He’s off of his meds.” Matt suddenly interjected, giving them a small laugh. Mello gulped and felt his face flush with anger, but he counted to thirty and desperately prayed to the Lord that he wouldn’t get into any brawls. HE was not crazy!

“We’re looking for someone.” Near told them. “Maybe you know him, Light Yagami?”

“Yagami-san?” One of the students questioned. “Yeah, I know him. Practically everyone around here does…why?”

“Um, we’re his cousins.” Mello blurted, and all of the students gave them a once over.

“We’re adopted, on his ermm….father’s side.” Matt explained, shuffling his feet. “Do you know where he is?”

“I saw him in class earlier.” A girl with shoulder length black hair told them. She tapped her pencil to her mouth, as if thinking about something of grave importance. Which this was. “He’s probably finishing up with exams.”

“He’s probably with Takada-san.” Another girl called out, sounding annoyed. “Those two are attached at the hip.”

“And where would we find this ‘Takada-san’?” Mello asked, trying not to sound irritated. He just wanted directions dammit, and he didn’t like being stared at as if he was a lowly tourist.

“Usually they hang out by the tables over there.” A boy vaguely gestured. “They’re near the huge clock tower, you can’t miss it.”

“Wait, how old are you kids?” The girl with black hair suddenly asked, cocking her head. “You three aren’t all alone here, are you?”

“Um, thanks!” Matt quickly shouted, and the three ran on ahead. Yes, they were here alone and no they didn’t need anyone calling their parents to come and pick them up. *You can’t exactly call a corpse.* Mello morbidly mused to himself.

“…She was nice.” Near murmured softly after a few minutes. Mello turned to give him an odd stare.

“What, does the lil sheep have a lil crush?” He mocked, clasping his hands together and staring up at the sky in a faux dream-like state. 

“Shut up, all I said was that she was nice.” Near suddenly snapped uncharacteristically. Mello saw a small blush creep over the albino’s cheeks and smirked.

“Uh huh.”

“Dude, you like that lady? Gross, she’s probably twice your age.” Matt gawked.

“Can we drop it? I can think people are nice without wanting to date them.” Near muttered sourly, folding his arms.. “Let’s just find Light and get out of here.”

“God, it’s like he’s invisible!” Mello shouted, looking over the courtyard. All he could see for miles was non brunette students lounging about. The tables were quickly coming into view, and he still didn’t see anyone who fit the profile of L’s ex. He stomped his foot suddenly and resisted the urge to shake his fist up at the sky. Why couldn’t anything ever be simple?

“Mello, I’m sure we’ll find…” Matt trailed off, and suddenly let out a shriek. “No! Mario died! Are you fucking kidding me?? I hardly even touched that damn flower! Fucking stupid little shit-“ Matt began to pace around Mello, shouting curses at the small game console. Mello felt his face redden as pairs of inquisitive eyes turned to look at them. Mello felt like a monkey at the zoo, and wished Matt would shut up about the damn flower!

“Matt, we’re in public!” The blonde hissed, shoving his boyfriend. “Don’t draw attention to us, otherwise they’ll kick us out!”

“You’re one to talk Mello! You freak out if Roger gets dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate!” Matt yelled, stomping his foot rather loudly. “I hate this! I hate walking, I hate college, and I HATE Japan! I’m hungry, and I want to go back to England! What were we thinking, this mission is just plain stupid! We’re never gonna find him, and-“

“The plan isn’t stupid!” Mello gasped. “You’re just acting like a brat!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Uh, guys-“ Near tried to interrupt the two’s quarrel, but neither boy paid him any mind. 

“I curse this stupid university!” Matt shouted. “Why couldn’t we have just found his home address?”

“That’s your fault, you’re the hacker who was supposed to find all of his information.” Mello shot back, fixing his boyfriend with a steely glare. “Plus, if we cornered him in private he’d just send us away!”

“I don’t care at this point.” Matt scowled. “For all we know, he’s already left!”

“Guys, I think-“

“Oh God!” Matt suddenly wailed. “We’re gonna be in such deep shit! What if Roger kicks our asses? Or boots us out of Wammy’s and sends us to some dump? Thanks a lot Mello!”

“Me?” Mello felt his mouth fall open. He couldn’t have Matt loosing his cool, not now. And he had purposefully been avoiding the thought of how Roger would react. That cranky old man would’ve sent them off to bootcamp a long time ago if he had had his way. “You wanted to come! I didn’t force you!”

“Yeah right, with all of those promises of video games and hand jobs? I bet you were lying anyway.”

“I was not! You shitbird.”

“Asshole.”

“Freak.”

“Blondie.”

“DON’T insult my hair!” Mello gasped, taking an angry step towards Matt. “Insult my hair again, and I’ll bury you-“

“Guys!” Near finally shouted, making Mello and Matt whip around. Near’s usually soft voice had grown deep and stern, and for a moment Mello felt afraid. Near never lost his temper. “He’s over there for crying out loud!”

Mello felt his eyes widen and quickly looked to where Near’s small finger was pointed. Eureka! For a brief moment, Mello considered hugging the small albino. Finally, the mission could actually start! A brunette man was hunched over a table with books spread out in front of him, and was talking to some woman. The man wasn’t looking at them, in fact he didn’t even seem to be looking at his friend. His amber eyes were glazed over, and he seemed to be staring past her. His chin was resting in the palm of his hand, and he looked bored as all hell. Mello frowned, he looked almost like how L had. Huh, maybe he missed him as well. 

Mello felt a grin spread over his face. Finally, the prize was in sight! He felt as if the clouds had cleared and a ray of sunlight was shining down on L’s ex. The mission couldn’t fail, not now. Now all they needed to do was somehow convince this man to get on a plane with them back to England. He’d surprise L, they’d say sorry or whatever, and then L would be happy again! Or at least, he’d be back to normal.

Mello could imagine confetti being thrown on him and L shaking his hand. “‘Mello, I declare you as my real and true successor.’” He’d say, handing Mello a certificate. “‘You are so totally awesome, and way better than Near. You are now the number one student at Wammy’s, and your hair is totally badass.’” Near would be exiled to Sibera, and Mello would have a party thrown for him. He’d like that. He’d make Roger bake him a big celebration cake with chocolate frosting. Maybe he’d even get a nice throne to sit upon. 

“Well, what are we waiting for gentlemen?” Mello smirked, heading over to the table. “Let’s start operation L and Light sitting in a tree!"


	21. The Gift That Keeps On Giving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, Mello, Mat and Near finally meet Light! And surprise! Light isn't too pleased;) Haha this chapter was so fun to write, I love annoyed Light. I also thought it would be a good time to address the situation where L drugged him, because Light did indeed find out about that. Yikes:( And since Mello idolizes L, I think that it's not that he doesn't believe Light so much as he doesn't want to. But being students of Wammy's, I'm sure they're not in the dark about certain measures that L takes. Especially because they are being taught to be detective's like him. I don't know, just food for thought. The boys definitely aren't as naive and innocent as other children their age, but I don't think they'd ever truly understand Light's feelings about the whole matter. 
> 
> But will the boys give up on their mission? Not likely;)
> 
> The next chapters are going to be a doozy, so I hope you all stay tuned! I look forward to reading all of your thoughts and comments, they always put a big ol' smile on my face:)))

Sometimes, Light wished his life was a television show. It would be quite entertaining, after all. He was the perfect man with the not so perfect life. Every time he thought his life was on track, someone would always come barreling in to muddy things up. He had been suspected of murder, blackmailed his fair share of sleezebags, and even fell in love with an obnoxious and cruel detective. And Light was used to people watching him, anyway. His life would be fascinating if it was a television show, and he’d bet that there’d be at least nine seasons. But since this was reality, his life was depressing. So, so bleak and dreary, that Light almost considered faking his death and moving to some remote city in Europe. But since this wasn't a television show, he wouldn't do that. His problems would follow him in death, anyway. 

“Light, I’m having this party whether you like it or not.” And now Kiyomi was barking orders at him, something Light did not take kindly too. Was it too much to ask to spend a quiet night sulking under his covers in the apartment HE paid for? And what was it with college students always having the urge to throw parties? Sure, exams had gone well. Yes, he had once again got the highest score and yes another droll year of college had passed. That didn’t mean he had to celebrate anything. What did he have to celebrate? Mourning L yet again? Yeah, everyone bring out the cake for that.

“Kiyomi, I’m tired.” Light sighed, pressing his chin into the palm of his hand and closing his eyes. He was slouching and his back protested, but Light couldn’t find the strength to care. He felt as if a black storm cloud was raining on him and only him. “I don’t want to have a bunch of damn people in my apartment.”

“Well, it’ll be a party with OUR friends in OUR apartment.” Kiyomi snapped. 

“Your friends.” Light mumbled sourly, feeling the humid breeze blow through his hair. He was sweating buckets through his button up shirt, even though the material was quite thin. 

“What’s going on Light? You’ve been in a bad mood all week.” Kiyomi told him, and Light could hear her nails tapping impatiently against the table. “You didn’t even want to go to school Monday and Tuesday, and Wednesday I saw you almost fall asleep at lunch! Then, you overslept this morning and barely made it out of bed for exams! Does this have something to do with your friend, Ryuzaki?”

“No.” Ha, if only she knew. 

“Are you sad because he left?” Kiyomi asked, sympathy oozing from her voice. Light’s eyes shot open in annoyance and he gave her a short laugh.

“Kiyomi, I’m not twelve. I’m not sad about my friend leaving me, that’d be pathetic.” He was sad about his kinda-sorta-but-not-really lover leaving him, but he’d never admit that either. That’d be equally pathetic, if not more so. 

“Well, then what’s the matter with you?” Kiyomi frowned. “You usually love parties.”

“No, I tolerate them.” Light sighed, biting his lip. Light Yagami liked parties because that was where he mingled with the undesirables and got his well deserved attention. Light wasn’t supposed to look like a shut-in, so he made himself available to go to social events. It was important that one always go to events. He would show up late, talk to a few people who caught his attention, and then leave before the night turned into morning. But he did not enjoy being around a bunch of drunk college students who thought toilet papering the dean’s house was the definition of a good time. He’d much rather spend his time doing something productive, like watching grass grow.

Kiyomi pursed her glossed lips and crossed her hands on the table delicately. Light could feel the displeasure radiating off of her, but he didn’t care. Couldn’t he just act like a normal college student for five minutes? It was perfectly reasonable to be tired after a long day of test taking!

“I’ve already invited everyone.” She told him with finality, making Light’s eyes narrow. So then why even ask for his permission? And why did Kiyomi think she could boss him around?

“Then I’ll stay at my parents.” Light grumbled. “I have a headache.”

“You’ve had a headache for the past week!” Kiyomi pointed out, but Light just ignored her. 

“Light, it’ll look odd if you're not there!”

“Then it’ll look odd.” Light raised his eyebrow. 

“People will talk.” Kiyomi hissed, lowering her voice as if she was telling him a secret. “I want my boyfriend to show up to a party in his own house! Why must you be so difficult-”

“Excuse me, are you Light Yagami?”

The new voice made Light look up, though he felt his eyebrows furrow when he did. In front of him were three teenage boys, who all looked quite odd. One of them was holding a toy robot and was twirling a piece of hair in between his fingers. White hair. White as snow hair. Was he an albino? He was dressed in what seemed to be pajamas, which matched his pale skin. Another was dressed in some punk rock get-up, and had leather cuffs around his wrists. He had long blonde hair, and his blue eyes were filled with….excitement? The last of the group was a red head who seemed to be wearing goggles, and was playing on some sort of device. His head was bent down but Light could see a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Light frowned, smoking in public was quite rude and affected other people’s health. He did not want a cloud of death swirling around himself.

But more importantly, who were these boys? And why did the blonde one know his name? They certainly weren’t Japanese, and they were all dressed as if they had just busted out of a juvenile detention center. They looked way too young to be college students, and Light had never seen them before.

But, Light didn’t judge a book by it’s cover. At least, he didn’t make it known that he did. So he straightened up and shot these boys a polite smile, because he was nothing if not polite. “I am.”

“Good!” The blonde one smiled. “We’ve been looking for you.”

Light’s smile wavered, what the hell did that mean?

“Light, who is this?” Kiyomi suddenly spoke, reminding Light of her presence. He looked over at her and her eyes were darting from the boys back to him. They were filled with confusion.

Light shrugged, because how was he supposed to know. “May I ask who you three are?”

“Well….I could tell ya, but then I’d have to kill ya!” The blonde one told him, his eyes glinting mischievously. Light’s eyes narrowed and he felt his muscles stiffen, he did not like playing games.

Suddenly, the red head nudged the blonde and looked up from his game, scowling. “Don’t scare him away!” He hissed. 

“I’m Near.” The white haired one suddenly spoke up, giving them an owlish stare. “This is Mello, and Matt’s the one with the orange eyewear.”

Light nodded politely, and tried not to stare. What the hell kind of names were those? Obviously, they were aliases. Which meant these boys were probably trying to play a prank on him. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you but we must be going.” Light told them, suddenly standing up. They were probably one of his friend's cousins or something. He didn’t have time to deal with children, he just wanted to go home and read a book. Maybe take a bubble bath.

“Wait!” The blonde, who was apparently named ‘Mello’, yelled. “We….um…we have some very important information to tell you.”

Light cocked his head. “What information?”

Mello’s blue eyes settled on Kiyomi. “It’s…a secret.”

“I’ll leave you four alone then.” Kiyomi stated primly, and Light could hear the annoyance in her voice. “Apparently, I have a party to throw.”

Light watched her retreating form, and had the urge to scowl. Really? She was just abandoning him with these odd children? Whatever, he wasn’t going to stick around for whatever this was. 

But, as he started walking away, he heard footsteps following him. Great, now he had stalkers. 

“What did you want to tell me?” He asked, not stopping. 

“Was that your girlfriend?” He heard Mello’s voice from behind him, making him frown. 

“Yes.”

“Oh dude….” He heard Matt’s voice trail off. “That must be what happened.”

This made Light abruptly stop, and ice filled his veins. What was that supposed to mean? 

“Is this some kind of prank?”

Near cocked his head. “I’m sorry?”

Light sighed, running his hands through his hair. “Look, are you Haru’s cousins or something? Is this his idea of a joke?”

“Who’s Haru?” Matt mumbled, not looking up from his game. 

Light frowned. “Well, are you kids selling something then? I’m not interested.”

“We aren’t kids.” Mello sneered. “No, we came to ask you to help us with an important mission.”

Light couldn’t hold back his scoff at that, and he continued walking. “What mission?”

“Um….” Mello trailed off. “We-we have a few questions first.”

Light passed by the gates of the university, and started on his way to the train station. What was this, an interview? Were these kids somehow con artists? Light had no idea what was going on, and he hated being kept in the dark.

*Maybe they’re doing a school project and need some real life testimony?* Light frowned, that didn't even sound convincing inside of his head. But, what other reason could there be?

“Question one.” Mello started. “Are you a nice person?”

Light almost choked on his laughter. What? “I am…?” He answered slowly, not understanding what the blonde was getting at. “I try my best to be kind and compassionate to others, and-“

“Boring.” Matt suddenly interrupted, making Light’s hackles rise.

“It’s rude to interrupt people when they’re talking.” He told them sternly. 

“We don’t care.” Mello replied, and Light saw the blonde run ahead of him and start walking backwards. Light frowned, were these children from Mars? Why was Mello now studying him as if he was some rare specimen? Light knew that people liked to look at him, but this was ridiculous!

“What kind of work do you do?” Mello asked, still continuing to walk backwards like some kind of blonde crab. 

“I’m going into police work.” Light divulged, and Mello’s eyes widened. 

“Like a detective?”

Light nodded, stopping to buy his ticket. Hopefully once he boarded the train, he would loose his new shadows. 

“Interesting.” Mello hummed, and walked a tiny circle around him. He looked Light up and down, as if he was a lion studying his prey. Light quickly walked by the gates, and turned to wave goodbye. But to his horror, the boys seemed to have also bought tickets and were now following him through the turnstile. If he hadn’t of been in public, Light would have face palmed. 

“Hyuk Hyuk, don’t look now Light but I think you have some friends.” Ryuk chuckled behind him, making Light momentarily freeze. As if things couldn’t get worse! Now he had four people trailing him and spouting out obnoxious comments. Light resisted the urge to throw himself onto the train tracks and quickly climbed on, unsurprised when the boys sat next to him. He clenched his teeth and breathed out a harsh breath of air. This was undoubtedly one of the most annoying things he had ever gone through, and he had been handcuffed to L for nearly three months! Why oh why was life so intent on punishing him?

“How old are you?” Near asked softly from beside him, making Light look over. His big grey eyes shone with genuine curiosity, so Light shrugged. It seemed like an innocent enough question.

“Twenty one.”

“Oooohhh, I can tell these boys want something out of you Light.” Ryuk called, cackling. “They’re scheming.”

Well if Light wasn’t already in edge, he was now. He tried to discreetly slide to his left, but found Matt had sat beside him and was boxing him in. Plus, he was on a moving train so an escape plan wasn’t viable at the moment.

“How did you guys know my name?” Light tried to ask again. “What do you want from me?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” Matt mumbled. 

Light grit his teeth, he knew he couldn’t yell at a child in public. “Well, how old are you all?”

“Old enough.” Mello sniffed.

“Are you of legal age?”

“Almost.” Mello grinned, cracking his knuckles. “I’ll be seventeen in December. I’m a Sagittarius, and Matty here is an Aquarius. We’re compatible.”

Light gave a disinterested nod. He thought astrology and zodiac signs were a fat load, but he wasn’t going to share that with these boys. He believed in science, not stars in the sky. It wasn’t surprising that someone like this Mello character would believe in zodiac signs, though. 

“Where are your parents then?” He questioned. It didn’t seem safe to let a bunch of teenagers wander around aimlessly around the busy city, and he frowned. Some parents were so irresponsible. 

“At…work.” Matt replied cautiously. 

“Do they know where you are?”

“Yeah.”

Light wasn’t convinced. From the way these boys dressed and acted, he could guess that their parents weren’t the most attentive. He sighed to himself, ill mannered children were the worst kind of children to deal with. 

“They’re lying.” Ryuk informed him, and Light gave the shinigami a slight nod. You didn’t need to have mind reading eyes to figure that out. 

“So, on a scale of one to ten, how serious are things between you and your girlfriend?” Mello cheekily questioned, making Light’s face flush. That was certainly none of their business, and he was not going to divulge his dating life to complete strangers. Plus, his relationship with Kiyomi had been strained ever since L had left. They had gotten into more fights than usual, and Light had been abnormally testy. It seemed whatever Kiyomi did now irritated him, even her breathing during the night would make his teeth grind. 

“That’s a very personal question.” Light told him, shaking his head and standing up. Finally, they had arrived at his stop and in five minutes he would be within the safety of his house and away from these cretins. He almost felt giddy with that knowledge. Because they could follow him anywhere they wanted to in public, but he was safe behind closed doors.

“You look like a mother duck leading her ducklings, hyuk hyuk.” Ryuk chortled in his ear as he stepped onto the platform. Light groaned as he heard the three pairs of footsteps following him. He didn’t want them to know where he lived, but how could he politely tell them to get lost?

“Well, it’s getting late.” Light told them as he stepped outside. It wasn’t, the sun was still shining and the birds were still chirping but wouldn’t their parents be getting off of work soon? “Where do you guys live? Do I-“ He hesitated, biting his lip. He didn’t want to have to offer to walk them home, but it would be quite irresponsible to let three young teenagers wander off to God knows where. “Do I need to walk you guys home?”

“What’s the rush?” Mello gave him a small laugh, grabbing onto his hand and swinging it highly in the air. Light grimaced, Misa used to always do that and he felt his arm tingling with annoyance. People shouldn’t touch him without his permission, for it was quite rude. You wouldn’t touch an expensive jewel locked away in a museum would you? 

“Let’s have some fun.” Mello continued, making Light’s stomach clench. Did these kids want to hang out with him? He hoped not, because what the hell was he supposed to do? Play babysitter until their parents bothered to find them? Light couldn’t imagine a worst fate.

“I have work to do at home.”

“We could help!” Mello butted in. “We’re very smart.”

Light caught his disdainful laugh just in time, and continued to stare straight ahead. He had tried to wiggle his arm out of Mello’s grasp several times, but the small boy was stronger than he looked. 

“Are you….Sayu’s friends?” He finally asked, the idea hitting him like a freight train. They were about his sister’s age, and all of Sayu’s friends were annoying. They’d fit the role perfectly.

*If these are Sayu’s friends….kill me now.* Light thought, grumbling to himself internally. Was that why they were so obsessed with him? Because he was their friend’s older brother? Yes, he was smart and attractive and charming and wise and beautiful and intelligent….he knew why most people liked him, but they kept a respectful distance. These boys seemed to want something from him. Ryuk had said they were scheming against him. 

“Who’s that?” Mello frowned. “No, but we are…someone’s friends. Someone SPECIAL.”

Light frowned as he reached his doorstep. The boys were still stuck to him like glue, and Light didn’t think they’d be leaving anytime soon. He hoped they wouldn’t loiter on his porch. 

“Who’s friend?”

“Guess.”

Light didn’t hold back his eye roll back this time. Why couldn’t anyone give him a straight answer?

“Mei’s?”

“No.”

“Akiko's?”

“Nope.”

“Dai’s?”

“Wrong again.”

“….Itsuki's?”

“You’re getting colder!”

“I don’t have time for this!” Light finally snapped, throwing his hands up. His annoyance was through the roof and was quickly morphing into anger. You know what he hated? Having his time wasted. And right now, he could almost feel himself getting older. “I have to go now.”

But as he placed his hand on to the door handle, seconds away from freedom, Mello’s grip on his hand suddenly tightened and the blonde seemed to grow three inches. He walked up closely to Light’s face and shot icy daggers of poison into him. Light tried not to gulp, why was he suddenly intimidated by a child? How embarrassing! But Mello looked like a vampire who was about to suck his blood, and Light felt his heart begin to pound painfully.

“Listen here you asshole!” Mello finally shouted, and Light flinched as Mello’s spit sprayed onto his face. He was going to have to scrub his skin after this experience. “I didn’t come all of the way here only for you to tell me no! You WILL listen to us, and you WILL cooperate! Otherwise, I’ll break your fucking kneecaps!”

“Jeez, that one has a temper.” Ryuk muttered, hovering behind the shaking blonde boy. “He’s pretty scary, for a human.”

*Yeah, thanks Ryuk.* As if Light wasn’t already shitting a brick. Mello’s eyes stayed angry and cold, and Light knew that his tight grip was probably bruising his wrist.

“Mello, what if the neighbors see you? Stop!” Matt hissed, shaking the blonde. But Mello didn’t back down.

Light narrowed his eyes and tried to look as unaffected as possible. It was obvious that this Mello was a bully. And the best way to deal with bullies was to not give them a reaction, what was what they craved most. 

“I don’t know who you think you are-“ Light started, his voice shaking from fury. But suddenly, he felt the solid matter behind him suddenly crumble away. He yelped and reached out to steady himself on the door frame, so as not to fall flat on his ass. Mello had released him, and his blue eyes were now wide and fearful.

“Light?” He heard his mother’s voice from behind him, and nearly jumped into her arms. But that would be unsightly, so he just adjusted his balance and stood up straighter. “Who are your friends?”

Light opened his mouth to inform his dear mother that these were stray puppies and not ‘friends', but Mello’s voice suddenly cut in.

“Hi! You must be Light’s gorgeous mother.” Mello said sweetly, extending a hand. “I’m Mello, and these are my friends Matt and Near.”

Light felt his mouth fall open as he whirled around to look at the blonde. Was Mello some kind of doctor Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? The fire that had just occupied his eyes was now gone. Instead, they appeared innocent and doe-like. A pleasant smile was stretched across his face, and his words were polite and charming. What in the actual fuck? Light felt as if he had just stepped off of a rollercoaster, and his mind was reeling from dizziness. 

His mother accepted his outstretched hand even though it was a western greeting, and smiled warmly. “It’s very nice to meet you all.” She said pleasantly, as Near and Matt waved at her. “Would you like to come in?”

Light’s eyes widened and he wanted to scream at his mother as the three traipsed into his OWN house. His house! What was his mother thinking? Now he’d be badgered with even more questions. Light groaned, and shut the door loudly behind him. He was now convinced that some higher power was out to get him. 

“Uh oh, looks like they won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.” Ryuk pointed out the obvious, flapping in front of him. “Can I have an apple?”

“Not now.” Light hissed lowly, making his way into the kitchen. He mother was now making tea for them, and they were seated at his dining room table. 

“So, how do you all know Light?” His mother asked pleasantly, turning on the stove. She set down the white and flower patterned kettle and began bringing white mugs out. “Is he a friend of yours?”

“Is he ever?” Matt chuckled. “We’re one of his friend’s cousins. That ass-um, guy was supposed to watch us while our parents were out of town, but he bailed. Light here was kind enough to offer to watch over us.”

“And he’s not even getting paid, he did it out of the kindness of his own heart.” Mello gushed, smiling at him sinisterly. “Isn’t he just the nicest guy ever?”

Light felt his blood boiling, and expected foam to come out of his mouth at any moment. He fixed the trio with a steely glare, but they just smiled back at him. Light gritted his teeth and sat down, trying not to bang his fists on the table in annoyance. They ALL knew that was a lie, but Light couldn’t exactly refute it. What could he say? That they had followed him home and he had no idea who they were? That would look quite odd. Plus, they had set it up to make him look as if he was charitable, and he didn’t exactly not want to keep that title. 

“That’s very kind of you Light.” His mother smiled, bringing over the steaming cups of tea. “Careful, it’s hot. You all like green tea, right?”

“I’ve never had it.” Mello proclaimed, staring at the mug with rapt interest. “Tell me….you wouldn’t happen to have any chocolate around here, would you?”

“Well, it’s funny you should ask.” His mother winked, sitting down with her own cup of tea. “Tonight Light’s sister and I were going to bake chocolate chip cookies. Would you like to join us?”

“Would we ever!” Mello agreed excitedly, while Light almost shouted no. Great. Now his mother had just invited them to stay for dinner! Maybe Light should go back to the party at his apartment, that’d probably be less painful. Right now he wanted to sink into the floor, or transport into some dimension where children didn’t exist. He had officially decided that he was never having children, ever. Now he knew why parents were so stressed out all of the time, this was exhausting!

“This is good.” Matt told her, as he lowered the cup from his lips. “It’s tastes…green.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it!” His mother laughed, patting his gloved hand. Light almost gagged. “How old are you all? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Not at all.” Mello winked. “I’m only forty one.”

His mother’s eyes looked confused, before she got the joke and her eyes crinkled in amusement. “Ah, you’re the jokester aren’t you?”

“Guilty.” Mello held up his hands, shooting her a cheeky grin. “I’m sixteen almost seventeen, my birthday’s December thirteenth!”

“I turned sixteen a few months ago, and Near here is gonna be fourteen in August.” Matt revealed, loudly slurping more of his tea. “This is actually delicious, how have I never had it before?”

*Because you’re a bloody foreigner?” Light didn’t say that out loud. These boys looked like they drank unhealthy sugar beverages. Obviously they would never of had anything so refined. Everyone knew what green tea was, unless you were stupid or lived under a rock. Light just angrily focused on his own cup, staring at his reflection in the green liquid. 

“Oh, fourteen is such a darling age.” Light’s mother told Near, gesturing to Light. “I remember Light at that age. He was so cute, he ran a lemonade stand to collect money for a new computer.”

“Mom!” Light scowled, nearly banging his head into the table. The boys snickered, which made his embarrassment grow tenfold. He slunk down into his chair and sulkily downed the cup of tea, not even caring that it was hot and singed his tongue. He had thought that everyone involved had agreed to keep the lemonade stand a secret. Light had gotten the idea from some american television show, and thought it was the brightest scheme ever. But now, looking back, he felt his cheeks redden. He had only made a few thousand yen and the lemonade had been way too watery. 

“Well, I’m going to go up to my room.” Light said, stiffly pushing back his chair. “I have…some news to look at”

“Oh, we’ll come with.” Mello proclaimed, hastily standing up as well. “We wouldn’t want you jumping out of a window or anything.” Mello punched his arm lightly to show that he was joking, but Light just gave him a blank stare. 

“See you later Mrs. Yagami!” Matt called, hurrying up the stairs after Light.

“Thank you for the tea, it was very thoughtful. I enjoyed it.” Near told her, bowing. His mother returned the gesture, and smiled brightly. Sachiko loved caring for guests, so she was probably having the time of her life right now.

*At least one of us is.* Light thought sourly, walking over to his old computer desk and slumping into the chair. His room hadn’t changed all that much, his mother had wanted to keep his memory alive. He remembered how she had cried when he had moved out, because she had thought that she wouldn’t see him again. She had thought it was like…last time. Light had had many long talks with her before she had been okay with him leaving, and even then she had still been concerned for him. Light made sure to come over quite frequently, he didn’t want his mother thinking that he had abandoned her again. Plus, he still missed living at home. Even though he was an adult, he would always miss the feelings of being inside of his childhood bedroom. It was the last place he had been before everything had changed. 

He suddenly heard the springs on his bed creaking, and quickly whipped around in wide-eyed horror. Mello and Matt had gotten the pea-brained idea that it would be okay to start jumping on top of his mattress. Which it was not, because now his bed was going to be lumpy! Light saw the sheets begin to come loose and pillows tumbled to the floor. 

“Weeeee!” Matt called, holding hands with Mello and spinning in a circle. “This is fun!”

“Yeah! This is the softest bed ever!” Mello called, his blonde hair flying around his face. “This is way better than our house!”

“Get down from there!” Light shouted, standing up and clenching his fists. “You’ll crack your heads open!” He was not about to be held responsible for any injuries, and he didn’t want to have to pay any hospital bills! Where were their manners, hadn’t their parents taught them not to jump on the bed? That was extremely dangerous and just plan dumb. It made one look as if they had the intelligence of a mothball, and it was only acceptable when toddlers did it.

Near was sitting on the floor, and he fixed Light with a dull stare. “They won’t listen to you.”

Light saw red. “I’m the adult here, and this is my room.” He yelled, coming over to point a finger at them “You will obey my wishes!”

“Ha. I don’t think so.” Mello chortled, flopping down. “I do whatever I want.”

Oh, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Light felt a yell bubble up in his throat, and this time he wasn’t going to hold back. He wasn’t about to be disrespected by those younger than him, in his own house. Light always got his way, and he didn’t stand for insolence. Now it was time to kick these boys back out onto the street where they belonged. They had abused his generosity, and he was about to get scary.

He opened his mouth, when suddenly a loud ring cut him off. Light frowned, that wasn’t his own ring tone. From the way Mello’s eyes widened, Light deduced that the sound was his responsibility. Matt stopped bouncing and looked down at the blonde in concern. Mello snatched his phone out of his pocket and stared at it in horror.

“This is the fiftieth time he’s called.” He murmured lowly, and Matt began fiddling with his hands. 

“Is that your father?” Light demanded. Mello’s silence confirmed his suspicions. The blonde looked as if he was about to silence the call, so Light quickly snatched the device out of the boy’s hands.

“No!” Mello shrieked, jumping up to stand on the bed. “Give that back!”

“No, I’m letting your parents know where you are.” Light responded coldly, flipping open the phone. Finally, his troubles would be over. He just hoped the father wasn’t a half-wit and would have the decency to collect his children effective immediately. But, judging from what he had seen so far, he wouldn’t be surprised if the father was slurring his words.

“Excuse me, is this the father of Mello, Matt, and Near?” Light asked, holding the phone to his ear. The brief period of silence that fell across the line angered Light. That had been a very simple question, and he wasn’t even getting a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. He had been nice for way too long that day. This man was going to get it, and Light felt his furious words bubble over his lips.

“I don’t know who you are, but your children are disgraceful! They’re little hooligans who have made my day a living nightmare! They have absolutely no manners, and they followed me back to my own home. This is unacceptable, and I demand an apology!” Light ranted, feeling the anger seep from his pores. Mello and Matt looked horrified, but he paid them no mind. “Who the hell are you? It’s neglectful and highly unintelligent to allow your teenage boys to wander the streets of Japan alone! What if I had been some kidnapper or a serial murderer? I order you to take responsibility for your offspring! And if you don’t get your ass over here right now, I will call the police and have you arrested for child ab-“

“Light?” An incredulous voice came across the other line, making the brunette’s foul words die in his throat. What in the very fuck? No, no he must be hallucinating. He must be dreaming. He must be on drugs, or experiencing some sort of nervous breakdown. There was no way….

“L?”

“Shit.” Matt whispered, and Light looked at him in shock. His heart felt as if it was about to beat out of his chest, and he suddenly felt very faint. He slumped back down into his chair, and massaged his temples harshly. 

“Why are Mello, Matt, and Near with you?” L demanded, making Light’s face flush.

“Why do you have kids?” He shouted back, gripping the small plastic phone in his hand. “You’re a father? Jesus, what else did you lie about? Are you secretly a pimp too?”

“Oh no.” Mello mumbled, falling back onto the bed. He clasped his hands together tightly “Fuck, fuck-“

“They’re….my students. I’m not related to them at all.” L responded awkwardly, clearing his throat. “And you didn’t answer my question, what’s going on?”

Light felt his eyes blink lazily, and felt as if his brain had all but disappeared. His skull felt hollow. “You tell me!” He hissed, glaring at the boys who looked as if they had just committed a crime. “I was innocently sitting at college and then BAM they show up and start asking me all of these ridiculous questions….” He trailed off, a horrid realization filling his being. “L is your friend?” He asked Mello and Matt, who nodded guiltily. Light felt his blood turn into frozen sludge. This couldn’t be happening.

He heard L let out a deep sigh, and imagined that the detective was massaging his temples as well. “So, they’re in Japan with you?”

“Yep.” Light confirmed sourly. “This is it, I must’ve somehow gone to hell. How on earth did your ‘students’ find me? They…they know about us, don’t they?”

“Um….perhaps.” L mumbled. “I may have asked Matt to hack into your instagram profile.”

“That’s-“ Light began to shout, but his anger died inside of him. He felt numb, as if he had left his body and now he was just a mere spectator in the corner of the room. “Of course you did.”

“Don’t blame me.” L defended. “I woke up this morning, and this whole damn place was in a panic! They must’ve somehow snuck out last night…”

“I don’t care what happened.” Light interrupted. “Your students have no manners, and my patience is shot to hell. I want them gone now! I didn’t sign up to be a babysitter!”

“Well, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” L began. “But at the moment I’m on another mass of land, and it’s only eight thirty here.”

“What’s the earliest flight you can get on?” Light asked, testily. 

“I have work today….the earliest one I could get on would be tomorrow morning.”

Light groaned, this couldn’t be happening. “Seriously? Do you expect me to watch over them until tomorrow?”

“Yes, if you wouldn’t mind.” L mumbled. “Look Light, I’m really sorry they came all the way there to bother you….and believe me, I didn’t put them up to this or anything. But I haven’t exactly…..I haven’t been working, and there are a few cases that Interpol is on my back about. I can’t come any earlier, I’m sorry.”

“You’re the gift that just keeps on giving L.” Light laughed bitterly. “Of course I’ll watch them, because what else am I supposed to do? Send them out into the streets? I just…God this is such a huge inconvenience and-“

“I’ll pay you.” L interrupted, making Light’s jaw clench. Seriously?

“I don’t want your money L.” Light spat. “But your students or children or whatever the hell they are, are getting on my nerves. You tell them to behave, got it? That’s the only payment I want.”

“Oh believe me, I will.” L stated coldly. “Can you give the phone back to Mello? I’ll speak with him myself.”

“Good.” Light nodded. 

“Thank you Light, and once again I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I guess.” Light muttered. He hated this. He hated that no matter what he did, he couldn’t escape form L. What next? Was Watari going to come visit him next and order him to get back together with L? And Light was not looking forward to spending time with the children, especially now that he knew who they were. 

Light held then phone out to the blonde, but Mello wildly shook his head an backed away. “No way.” He whispered, his eyes wide with fear. “I’m not talking to him while he’s like that.”

Light frowned, and stood up to wave the phone in front of the blonde’s retreating face. “Just take the damn phone.” He hissed. “L wants to talk with you.”

“NO he wants to yell at me.” Mello frowned, looking like a cornered animal about to attack. 

“You kind of deserve it.” Light shot back. “Be glad it’s him yelling at you instead of me.”

“I wouldn’t care if you yelled at me!”

“Oh, well I could make you care-“

“For the love of God!” Matt suddenly yelled, swiping the phone out of Light’s hand. “I’ll talk to him. Bunch of pansies…” He mumbled sourly, turning on the speaker option. “L, it’s Matt. Listen-“

“Who’s idea was this?” L demanded, not bothering to let Matt finish. “Tell me, this was Mello’s brilliant idea wasn’t it?”

“Um…well…” Matt looked at Mello nervously, and the blonde was frantically making a swiping motion with his finger across his neck.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Look L, we were all involved.” Matt stated softly, nervously glancing back at his friend. “We all know how sad you are, and-“

“I am not sad!” L sounded aghast. “…..Did you put me on speaker phone?”

“Maybe.”

A string of curses suddenly flew out of the phone that made Light wince. That wasn’t very child-friendly. L was worse with kids than he was! Though Light shouldn’t of been surprised, he never got a caregiver vibe out of L. He paled, thinking about the horrors these children had endured under L’s watch. 

“Mello!” L finally yelled, his curses all used up. “What on earth is the matter with you? How could you do this? Do you even realize the danger you’ve put everyone in? Why on earth would you hunt down Light? This…this is a new level of madness that I never expected, even from you!”

Light frowned, L seemed to be talking at the speed of light and even he hadn’t of caught all of the questions L had just shot at the boy. 

“Look L…” Mello started out nervously, not even daring to look at the phone as if he thought that somehow L would spring out of the little contraption and drag him down to hell. “This plan doesn’t make sense now, but I swear everything will work out! I mean, we haven’t even been in Japan for a day, give us some slack!”

“Slack?” L repeated in a high-pitched tone. “Slack? I’m sorry, I don’t think you realize how much trouble you all are in! This has been a gross lapse in judgement on your end, and has caused a headache and a half for me to take care of! What were you thinking?”

“I was just trying to help!” Mello defended, making Light furrow his eyebrows. Surely they didn’t mean-

“You’ve got to be kidding.” L let out a spiteful laugh. “Tell me you weren’t going to convince Light to somehow come to England and reconcile with me.”

Mello’s silence was the loudest sound Light had ever heard. He felt his muscles stiffen and a sour taste welled up in his mouth.

“L, Mello’s intentions were good.” Near spoke up softly. “He was just trying to help-“

“I am a grown man, who certainly does not need your help!” L shouted. “You went to another country all by yourselves! One that is five thousand miles away! You could’ve gotten killed for Christ’s sake! What if someone had learned of your connection to me and abducted you all? Worst of all, now you’ve dragged Light into all of this and that was the last thing I wanted!”

“But-“ Mello started, and Light saw his eyes glistening.

“I’m not arguing with you over the phone.” L interrupted loudly. “You all will behave yourselves while you are in Light’s care. Understand? You will be polite, courteous, and you will not make any messes or cause anymore problems! Near, watch over Mello and Matt and make sure they don’t get into anymore trouble! And if I hear that you were asking Light about his relationship with me, I’ll make sure every last crumb of chocolate and every single video game disk is taken out of this house! Am I understood?"

“Yes L.” The three replied, looking quite cowed. Except Near, he was the only one who appeared unfazed. 

“Good. I will see you all tomorrow.” And with that, the line went dead. Matt flipped the phone shut and threw it on the bed, staring at Light guiltily. Light folded his arms and swiveled back to stare at his blank computer screen. He was pissed, and he could feel his fury wafting all over the room. But he also felt joy, because these kids were obviously intimidated by L. It was clear that they would listen to him, and now they wouldn’t try to do anything moronic like talk to him about the man, or try and force him to go to England.

“So, L’s coming tomorrow.” Mello cleared his throat. “You excited to see him?”

Or not. Light almost banged his head on his keyboard. Apparently these kids weren’t as obedient to L as he had thought.

“Are you deaf?” Light muttered, powering on his computer and typing in his password. “Didn’t L just tell you not to talk to me about him?”

“Yeah, but then the whole mission would have gone to waste!”

“What mission?” Light stabbed his keys harder than he meant to. “You mean the one where you three decided it would be a good idea to play cupid and get me and L back together?”

“…Something like that.” Matt muttered lowly, making his jaw clench. 

“Well, I’m sorry to say this but you’ve wasted your efforts.” Light spat, clicking on some diet news story. He just wanted to look busy, he just needed his hands to do something. “L and I are over.”

“That’s pretty harsh.” Mello declared. “He likes you, you know. You should like him…I mean, what’s wrong with you? L’s a catch.”

Light let out a low chuckle, typing in a search for a new moisturizer. His old one was running out, and he needed something better. 

“I think you two should get back together.” Mello spoke again. “I mean, you can just break up with your girlfriend and then tell L you love him! He won’t reject you, and then he can not be sad anymore.”

“I doubt he’s sad.” Light huffed, clicking on a cream that had hyaluronic acid in it. Hm, that sounded promising. “And I won’t be getting back together with him.”

“Well, why not?” Mello demanded loudly. “Why are you two fighting, anyway?”

Light bit his lip, and felt heat rise to his face. He wanted to say, ‘how much time do you have’. “Look, you three obviously have a close relationship with L, so I’m not going to say anything that would change your opinion of him. What happened between us is our own business, and it has been resolved.”

“Obviously it hasn’t, since you two are still fighting.” Matt pointed out.

“We aren’t fighting.” Light sniffed. “We just aren’t together, and sometimes that’s how things are resolved.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Mello snapped. “You’re being obtuse.”

“Well sorry for wanting to keep my private life to myself.” Light stated coolly, checking the price on one of the moisturizers. Yeesh, was it really worth it? It had good quality ingredients but….were their better ones that would do the job for less? Light had to investigate. “You three are young, too young to understand what’s going on.”

“Don’t patronize us dickhead!” Mello shouted. “I have more braincells in one fingernail than you have in your whole body!”

Light let out an amused huff, yeah right. It was cute when other’s thought they possessed more knowledge than him. “Sometimes two people don’t work together, and they realize that they are better off apart.”

“L doesn’t seem to be doing to well apart from you.” Near pointed out softly. “Maybe if you just gave him another chance-“

“I don’t do second chances.” Light shot back, momentarily forgetting himself. “If someone shows me their true colors, I believe them the first time.”

“Well what could L have possibly done that was so terrible?”

“He lied to me.” Light finally snapped, turning away from his computer. He had had enough of this line of questioning, and gave the boys his coldest glare. “He tried to have me convicted for a crime I didn’t commit, and he manipulated me for the entire course of our relationship. There, now leave me alone please."

“Wait, you were a suspect?” Mello asked with wide eyes. “In what case?”

Light felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Of course they wouldn’t care about that, they were associates of L after all. Or rather, his students. He was probably teaching them to be conniving bastards just like himself. 

“Does it matter?” He asked tightly, turning back around to stare at his computer. “The point is, I don’t trust or like L. And that’s all there is to it.”

“Well if he thought you were a suspect….” Matt trailed off. “He was probably trying to solve his case. He’s not a bad guy.”

“Well, I’m glad you think so.” Light sniffed, the throbbing in his head only increasing. “But I don’t-“

“Were you guilty?” Mello blurted out. 

“Obviously not.” Light frowned, moving the item to his cart. He had decided on a Sana Nameraka Honpo Isoflavone Soymilk cream. Soy milk was apparently known to preserve skin-firming collagen and elastin, which helped fight aging. It also had vitamin E and got rid of dead skin cells. The packaging was a little obnoxious, but as long as the product worked Light could care less. It was one thousand yen, which compared to all of the others, was a quite reasonable price. Finally, one thing had gone right today. 

“Look, L can sometimes be weird or harsh or just plain mean.” Mello started. “I mean, this one time he took away all of my chocolate for a whole month only because I pushed Near down the stairs. But he’s also really cool, and like the best mentor ever and I don’t want to see him all depressed because of you! So stop being such an asshole, and-"

“Oh no, I will not be made out to be some kind of villain in my own house!” Light yelled, feeling hot molten lava run through his veins. He had had enough of being blamed for something he didn’t do for his whole life time, and he wasn’t about to let these kids insult him. Who did they think they were? Light was the victim, not L!. “Did you know I had to be taken to the hospital because of him? And when I was there, do you know what I found out?”

The only answer Light received was silence. He spun around in his chair slowly and fixed Mello with an icy cold glare. 

“They found traces of Hydrocodone in my system. And if you don’t know what that is, it’s a drug. A highly dangerous drug, one that is highly addictive. And I’ve never used prescription painkillers in my life.” Light let out a bitter laugh, reliving the memory. His parents had thought that he was some kind of drug addict, but he had known the truth. 

“I remember everything that’s ever happened in my life. Except for one night. The same night that I was drugged. The only thing I remember was that L was there, and he was interrogating me.” Yes, L had gone as far as to drug him for a confession. It made Light sick to his stomach to think about, because he couldn’t even remember what he had said! The next day when he had woken up sick and enfeebled, he had been convinced that it was a stomach bug. But L had knew, and he had kept it to himself. Light would’ve been oblivious forever if the doctors hadn’t of ran tests on him. 

And even after he had known what L had done to him, he had kept it to himself. He had convinced his parents that it was a one-time thing, because of how stressed out he was. His parents had been horrified and disappointed, and sent him to a three day rehab center. It had been awful, he had slept on a thin mattress and played with puzzles and talked about his feelings. It had felt like an actual prison. Light had had to live in L’s lie. Because he knew telling the truth would only unravel uglier secrets. Only he knew that he had been drugged. Him and L. His stomach clenched and Light swallowed a thick lump in the back of his throat. 

No, he couldn’t cry now. Not in front of these kids. “And that’s not even half of what he did to me.” Light told them quietly, turning back around to stare at his keyboard dully. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat and he suddenly felt as if he had just run a million miles. The tears falling out of his mother’s eyes when she had thought he was addicted to opioids…he would never be able to forget that. He would never forget the fear and shame he had felt, and how utterly helpless he had realized L could make him. 

“That’s…that’s not true.” Mello declared, but Light could hear the way his voice shook. “Why would you make up a lie like that?”

“Mello…leave him alone.” Matt said awkwardly, and Light heard shuffling from behind him. “L will get angry if we make him upset.”

“He can’t go around saying things like that, Matty!” Mello gasped. “L would never drug someone, that’s illegal. And he is justice!”

Light rolled his eyes, and stifled a bitter laugh by turning it into a cough. L being the face of justice was the funniest joke he had ever heard. Although most people preferred to see their idols through rose-colored glasses. Because then the illusion would be shattered and the heroes that everyone worshipped would be turned into regular people. Sometimes, ‘good’ people were worse than the monsters that hid in plain sight. 

“I don’t care if you believe me, it’s true.” Light told them. “I’m sure since you hacked into my personal information, and since you’re L’s students, you could find my medical records. It’s all there. Or ask L. But fair warning, he probably won’t tell you the truth. He never does.”

“Why would he drug you?” Near asked quietly. Light shrugged.

“He told me he wanted to win.”

“You’re a fucking liar!” Mello spat. “Liar, liar…..LIAR!”

“Can you stop squawking at me like a fucking parrot?” Light snapped, digging his fingernails into his palms. 

“No wonder L’s all depressed, you’re a fucking nightmare to be around!” Mello yelled, and Light heard the sound of something crashing behind him. Whipping around hastily, he found that one of his world globes lie smashed all over his floor. Swallowing his anger, Light locked eyes with the furious blonde. “L hasn’t got out of bed ever since he came back home, and he looks like a fucking corpse. AND I don’t want him to die, so you had better say sorry-“

“Mello, don’t destroy his property.” Matt sighed, pulling his goggles up off of his eyes and rubbing them furiously. “Look Light, please don’t tell L we broke anything. We’ll pay for it, or-“

“I don’t care.” Light groaned, burying his face into his hands. The thought of L lying in bed without any energy or motivation disturbed him, but he quickly pushed the image out of his mind. Mello was probably being dramatic. L hadn't of sounded depressed over the phone, and Light couldn't imagine a person like that ever giving up. “I just want peace and quiet for ten minutes, is that so hard to ask for?”

“YOU want peace and quiet?” Mello exclaimed angrily, stalking overt to his chair and twisting Light around. Light gripped the armrests and the two stood in a stare off, icy blue eyes glaring into fiery amber ones. “I’ll give you-“

“Light! Dinner’s ready!” His mother suddenly called, interrupting Mello. Light looked at the blonde and suddenly stood up. He smirked as he realized he was towering over Mello. This kid wasn’t scary, he wasn’t going to intimidate him. Light had dealt with worse.

So, without another word, Light bushed past the blonde and yanked open his bedroom door. He made his way downstairs, hearing the stairs creak behind him. His eyes burned and his steps felt heavy, but he trudged onwards like the dutiful son he was. At least at dinner, L’s students couldn’t interrogate him. He could shove his face full of rice, and forget about his conflicting thoughts.


	22. A Toast To My Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fun night filled with dinner mishaps....a revelation and a suspiciously tender moment...some baking and games of tag....a shower, a bedtime and a text message. Just a typical night in Light Yagami's life! Yeah, this chapter was surprisingly a pill to write so God bless my sibling who once again helped me out and wrote the sunset scene between Mello and Light. Everyone say thank you!!  
> We're getting so close to the end, I can't wait to write the final chapters! Any predictions? Any thoughts? Let me know! I love all of you lovely readers, and I always look forward to your amazing comments and reviews. I'm actually finishing this fic because of you guys:)) So thank you all for the support and I hope you enjoy today's (tonight's?) chapter!

The smell of Sachiko’s food wafted through the kitchen. She had made his favorite, okonomiyaki. Rice and udon soup were already laid out on the table, and the sight should’ve made Light’s stomach grumble. But he was too stuffed on annoyance, and had lost his appetite. Sayu was already sat at the table so Light hoped she wouldn’t try and engage L’s students in mindless chatter. But knowing Sayu, she probably would. She loved to meet newcomers, and would probably grill them with never-ending questions. 

“Hi Light! Oh! Who’s this?” And there it was. Light sat down with a huff and watched L’s students sit all around him. They put their elbows on top of the table, which horrified Light. He hoped his mother wouldn’t have a heart attack when she experienced their bad table manners.

“Some children I’m watching over.” Light responded stiffly.

“Hi, I’m Mello.” Mello introduced himself, smiling sweetly and making Light gag. He was like a wolf trying to seduce chickens out of their coop. “I love your nail polish. I forgot to bring mine.”

“Thank you!” Sayu beamed. “I could paint yours for you, if you want. I’m pretty good at it.”

Light watched in horror as Mello eagerly accepted Sayu’s offer. Sayu’s bright pink nails were unsightly enough, but now she was going to put more garish paint on top of Mello’s hands? Oh, the horror. He hoped L wouldn’t throw a fit over this, he hoped he allowed his students to wear nail polish. Because Light was not about to be blamed for this. What was wrong with clear nail polish? Why did everyone always need to advertise their need for attention? 

“This smells awesome!” Matt declared, reaching for his small bowl of rice to begin eating. “Where are the forks?”

Sayu’s eyes widened as she looked at their mother, who was setting down small cups of tea. Light nearly groaned into his cup. What on earth? Had L taught his students nothing?

“We don’t eat until everyone has been served.” Light told him quietly, frowning. “And we aren’t using forks. You can use your chopsticks.”

“But I don’t know how to.” Matt whined, staring at the wooden sticks as if he hoped they would burst into flames. “I guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

Light shrugged, because that wasn’t his problem. Matt wouldn’t be able to starve in less than a day, and then L could deal with his empty stomach tomorrow. Light was supposed to make sure they didn’t get lost or killed. Other than that, he had no responsibility over these children. Pickiness was not something he understood. Matt should be glad to be served free food. 

“Just pick them up idiot, like this.” Mello scowled at the red head, holding up his own chopsticks. Light felt his eyebrow raise. Huh, maybe Mello wasn’t as hopeless as he had thought.

“Itadakimasu.” His mother smiled. “I hope you all enjoy.”

“Itadakimasu.” Light repeated, raising his cup to his lips. It was black tea, not green. Light sighed, the bitter flavor soothed him. It reminded him of who he was.

“Itadakimasu.” Sayu said, dipping her head. Light turned and saw that the three boys were looking quite confused. *Of course.*

“That means ‘I humbly receive this food.’” Light muttered to them, nodding meaningfully. Mello nodded.

“Itadakimasu.” Near repeated. 

“Itadakimasu.”

“itad-um…itsuki….um-“ Matt stuttered, making Light want to bury his face inside of his rice. Really?

“It’s itadakimasu.” Mello told him, smiling thinly.

“I’ve never heard of that word.” Matt defended. “In england we just say cheers-“

“It’s fine.” His mother interrupted. It really wasn’t, but oh well. Light didn’t understand why some were so inept in the way of languages, but he just started piling rice in his mouth. 

*By tomorrow night, this will be nothing but a faint memory.* He reminded himself grimly, staring out of the window. The sun was beginning to set, and Light wanted to finish his meal quickly so that he could excuse himself. Watching the sunset was one of his favorite pastimes, and he desperately needed alone time. He would look at the setting sun and imagine it was taking him with it. 

“So, you three are from England?” His mother asked, attempting to engage them in polite conversation. 

“Mmmph-Wimchemster.” Matt mumbled, rice falling on to his chin. Light felt as if he was watching a train wreck in slow motion. He hoped that Matt’s bad manners wouldn’t reflect poorly on his character. 

“Don’t speak while your mouth is full of rice.” Mello hissed, reaching over to slap Matt on the shoulder. Unfortunately, his arm somehow managed to knock over his cup of tea. The small white mug toppled over, and the dark brown contents spilled out onto the white table cloth. The stain seemed to grow to the size of a small pond, the liquid turning a light brown as it seeped into the linen. Light swallowed a clump of rice in a panic, making himself cough violently. The rice seemed to have gone straight into his lung, and Light almost hoped it would kill him.

They hadn’t of even been eating for five minutes. 

“Oh shit! I mean crap! I mean shoot!” Mello fumbled, snatching a napkin up and furiously scrubbing at the tea stain. The movement made the whole table shake, and Light briefly wondered if an earthquake had suddenly hit japan. The plates clattered, and Light fought the urge to grab onto the table to steady it and himself.

“I’m so, so, SO sorry-“

“Don’t bother.” Light hissed, grabbing the napkin out of Mello’s grasp and fixing him with a steely glare. “I’ll clean it up later.” Light was a master at cleaning up other’s messes, after all. Light was going to have to mix dish soap and white vinegar with a little warm water to get the stain out. A flimsy, dry napkin wouldn’t do anything.

“It’s quite alright dear, you didn’t mean to.” His mother assured, taking another bite of her okonomiyaki. 

“Ah, thank you for your understanding.” Mello responded meekly. “Where I come from, if you spill something they lock you down in the basement for the whole night.”

Light heard choking coming from beside him, and found that Matt was trying and failing to hold is laughter in. He had spit his tea back into the cup and now the liquid was dripping down his chin. 

“Oh, my.” His mother frowned, bringing a hand to her heart. Light frowned, Mello was now trying to play the part of the abused little puppy. Yeah, right. Surely his mother wouldn’t fall for this. This act was way to cheesy, and Light felt sick. 

“That’s awful, who would do that to you?” His mother asked sadly, and Light just stared. He felt as if his eyes were about to simply roll out of his head. 

“This mean old man named Roger.” Mello sniffled dramatically. “You’re way nicer than him, I wish I could stay here forever.” He frowned deeply, the expression almost making Light roll his eyes. NOW what was Mello playing at?

“He’s kidding.” Near told his mother, his quiet voice stern. “Mello likes to make up stories.”

“It’s not a story!” Mello proclaimed. Then, turning to Near he whispered so softly that Light had to strain his ears to hear it. “Play it cool Near, I’m making up for Matty’s bad table manners.”

Light felt his eyes narrowing. 

“Well.” Light coughed, interrupting Mello’s sob story. “Their cousin will be back tomorrow to pick them up.”

He felt Mello’s fiery gaze, but decided to ignore it. 

“So, how long will you be in Japan then?” Sayu asked, leaning slightly closer to Mello. She probably didn't think that anyone would notice, but Light did. He felt a nerve below his eye twitch and shoved a piece of okonomiyaki down his throat. Sayu’s face is slightly flushed and her eyes are hooded, so Light knows what that means.

*This has to be a bad joke. Please Lord God, tell me my sister does not have a crush on that….thing.* Light is about ready to find a bucket of ice water and pour it on the both of them. This is unacceptable and if Mello knows what’s good for him, he will politely reject Sayu’s advances. 

“My cousin wants us to leave tomorrow….but hopefully I can convince him otherwise.” Mello tells her, staring at Light meaningfully. Light chewed on his clump of rice quite aggressively, almost biting his tongue. This made his mouth still, as the realization of what almost happened falls upon him. No, he can’t loose his focus. A tongue bite is a nasty thing. He can’t be biting his tongue out of his mouth, that would be horribly painful. 

“You should…I’d quite like to get to know you better.” Sayu says softly, placing a hand delicately on top of Mello’s. “How old did you say you were again?

Okay, Light has nearly had enough. If he watches anymore of this horror show, his mouth will fall open and all of the food will come tumbling out. He’s lost his appetite, anyway. But before he can tell Sayu to eat her okonomiyaki, Matt coughs loudly. 

“Hey Mello, why don’t you tell Light’s mom about your dating life.” Matt says testily, slurping his tea loudly. His blue eyes have narrowed into tiny slits, and he looks like he’s about to bite the blonde’s head off. Light sits back in his chair, looking in between the two. Huh, who would be mentally unstable enough to date Mello? He’s suddenly captivated by the conversation, and doesn’t want to look away. 

“That’s not appropriate table talk.” Near frowns, delicately placing a clump of rice inside of his mouth. Light disagrees. Besides, it’s not like these boys have done anything remotely appropriate tonight. 

“Yeah Matty, I’m sure she’s not interested in hearing about all of that.” Mello replies slowly, giving Matt a dumbfounded look. Matt’s hand clenches around his chopsticks, and Light fears that they’ll splinter. 

“Why? Is the person your dating not interesting enough, is that it?”

“Why are your panties all in a wad Matt? Calm down and eat your soup.” 

Light’s mom looks at Light in confusion, but he just shrugs. It’s like an episode of some reality show has just been dumped inside of his kitchen. 

“Well, I just don’t think you should be shamelessly flirting with someone while your taken. It’s a really rotten thing to do.” Matt hisses, aggressively stabbing into a piece of okonomiyaki with his chopsticks. Light would tell him that that is quite embarrassing, and that chopsticks should not be treated like spears, but he doesn’t want to interrupt their argument. 

Sayu’s cheeks turn bright pink as if someone has just slapped her, and she quickly removes her hand from Mello’s and busies herself with staring at her food. Light thinks that he saw her go as far as to discreetly slide her chair a few centimeters to the left. Oh, this is too good.

Mello frowns, and points his chopsticks at the fuming red head. “That’s so presumptuous. What, I can’t be friendly with anyone anymore?”

“Friendly? Is that what they’re calling it these days?” Matt mutters sourly, practically throwing the piece of speared okonomiyaki inside of his mouth. “Watching you just now was painful. Someone should get you a naughty matt. You looked like you wanted her to take you upstairs-“

“You know, this meal is really good.” Near hastily interrupts, giving his mother a smile. Sachiko’s expression has dimmed, but she looks at Near and smiles in thanks. 

“Are you trying to provoke me? What is this?” Mello whispers heatedly, leaning across the table and looking like he’s about to pounce on top of the red head. “I was just being friendly, you little son of a-“

“So, what’s it like living in Japan?” Near interrupts again, looking over to scarily glare at Mello. Light gulps, Near had seemed quite mild-mannered until now. 

“Yeah, let’s all ignore Mello.” Matt sardonically laughs, raising his glass up as if to toast his unhinged blonde friend. “I think he’s suffering from indigestion at the moment.”

“Indigestion?” Mello’s voice rose to a pitch that made Light fear for the glass window’s safety. The blonde seemed to be trembling with repressed rage, and his face had gone bright red. Light hopes that he isn’t about to have a psychotic break. 

“Mello, maybe drinking some tea will settle your stomach.” Near tells him. Mello looks as if he’s just been electrocuted, before he sits back into his chair and gives the younger boy a small smirk. Light frowns as he watches Mello’s muscles relax. It unsettled him how Mello’s mood is able to change so rapidly. 

Mello picks up his cup and gulps loudly, before firmly setting it back onto the table. He fixes his icy cold stare onto Matt. “You were right Near, I do feel better now. Sometimes looking at Matt’s face while I eat makes me sick to my stomach.”

Matt’s eyes widen with rage, and Near looks like he’s about to be mauled by tigers. Light’s mouth nearly falls open once again, but he remembers himself. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but at least this time he’s not involved. 

“Well I do apologize if my face offends you.” Matt spat, and Light could almost hear his teeth grinding together. “Although my appearance never seemed to bother you before when you were on your knees for me.”

Well, that was certainly the wrong time to take a sip of tea. Light feels his muscles go slack and he nearly spits his tea into his rice. He swallows the liquid with difficulty, looking up at the two boys in shock. Mello’s mouth has fallen open, and Matt leans back into his chair looking like a cat who got the cream. Near has buried his face into his hands and it doesn’t look like he’ll be coming up for air anytime soon. And both his sister and his mother look like they’ve just walked into a horror movie, and both are staring at their plates awkwardly. 

The fog of silence that fell upon the dinner table is almost suffocating, because no one wants to be the first to speak. 

“I apologize, Mrs. Yagami.” Near finally sighs, pulling his face out of his hands and giving his mother a contrite stare. “Mello and Matt make inappropriate jokes all of the time, and they often take them too far.”

“Yeah, here’s a joke. Matt having a soul. Ha!” Mello spits, and Light watches as Matt dips his hand into the rice and pulls out a small handful. He shoves the rice into his mouth and chews slowly, and Light doesn’t think it can get any worse. This is worse than the dinner party nightmare he had while in the mental hospital!

“Oh, I understand.” Sachiko excused both boy’s horrid behavior, laughing and bringing the bowl of soup to her lips. “Light made a lot of silly jokes back in his day too. Do you remember the one about the priest and the-“

“That isn’t necessary.” Light interrupted, feeling his neck go red. He quickly dabbed his mouth with his napkin and stood up, he couldn’t bear to hear anything else nonsensical or mad. “Thank you for dinner mom, it was great. I think I’m going to watch the sun set.” At this point, he would go and watch a dog fight if it meant he would get out of this conversation. 

He tipped his head back to watch the sky as it bled out into pinks and purples. Half of him was furious with the three boys that had invaded his life and the fact that they had thoroughly embarrassed him during dinner. However, the other half of him was filled with a strange feeling of melancholy and irritation at the fact that L had somehow invaded his life yet again. He was going to have to face the raven in just a day or two after only recently trying to break things off between the two of them for good. And that only made Light question himself further. Would L forever be in his life in some aspect or another? Would he just be another eternal scar the brunette would have to bear forever? Light scoffed bitterly at that. L was just like an infection that wouldn’t leave. He would just keep coming back and back again no matter what. So, that’s just what fate has in mind? He seethed internally. *Will fate just continue to eternally screw me over? Or maybe it’s just damn Ryuk behind all of this.* It seemed like nothing good had happened in his life since that damn shinigami had come to earth. The brunette’s scowl deepened at that and he let out a harsh sigh. Once again, he felt himself at a crossroads.  
Did he actually hate L? Or were the three annoyances currently wreaking havoc in his house right? Light’s grip tightened onto the porch’s wooden railing. He didn’t think he really wanted the answer to that. All he wanted was some damn peace and quiet. He needed his mind to still, he couldn’t think about anything anymore. He feared that soon his brain would simply split open from all of the troublesome thoughts overloading the poor organ. But, it seemed like “fate” had different ideas. 

“Hyuk, Hyuk, Hey Light-o.” A grating voice suddenly chimed. Light grimaced, whipping his head around to glare at the shinigami.

“Go away, Ryuk. I’m in absolutely no mood for whatever nonsense you have to say,” He all but spat, quickly turning to face the painted sky. But, of course, the shinigami didn’t respect his request.

“Woah, someone’s grouchy,” he cackled dryly, “Is it because of those boys? Their aura’s are pretty interesting by the way. Almost as unique as yours and-,”

“I didn’t ask, nor do I care,” Light sighed, his eyes narrowing. Ryuk let out another cackle, because that was all that he was good at. Light felt as if a cheese grater had just been taken to his nerves.

“Testy, huh? Well, I guess I can’t blame you. But, still, this is definitely more entertaining than some dinner party, right?”

Light took a deep breath and reminded himself that it would be unacceptable to yell at what would appear to be thin air to anybody else out in the open. He might even get shipped off to a padded room for a public meltdown like that. Although, he found himself almost tempted by that idea, given his current predicament. But he ignored Ryuk, telling himself that the view of the summer colored sky was far more important than anything he had to say to the shinigami.

Of course, fate once again had other ways of testing him.

The sliding glass door had suddenly slammed closed, revealing a very annoyed looking blonde. The brunette fought the urge to sigh once again, forcing himself to now ignore not one, but two pests.

“Hey! Why the hell did you just get up and leave!?” The boy nearly shouted, stalking up to lean angrily against the railing. Light rolled his eyes at that, his lip all but curling.

“Last time I checked, this was my home and I have free will to go wherever I want. And, actually, I was polite enough to not jump in the nearest cab and leave you all behind in the dust. So you should be grateful,”

“What?!” Mello seethed, slamming a single fist onto the wood, “Polite enough?! What the hell does that even mean?! And, anyways, I think I deserve a few answers!”

*As if.* He thought bitterly, his jaw clenching.

“And what answers would those be?” He grit out, forcing himself to grasp onto the remaining thread of patience he had.

“Is your memory that bad?” Mello sneered, “We never finished the conversion we were having earlier!”

“What?” Now it was Light’s turn to be mad, his thread of patience nearly snapping, “I have nothing else to say! I thought I made myself perfectly clear.” He threw up his hands in frustration, wishing that he could be anywhere else. He’d even settle for attending Kiyomi’s damn party over this. At least the worst he’d have to deal with over there was a few slurring morons. 

Mello was not going to get the answer he wanted, to matter how many times he wished for it. Light would only tell him the truth. And, that was obviously not enough for the blonde. He would only continue to claim that he was lying and the “perfect” L would never do those things. Because he’s justice. What a load of absolute bullshit. If L was as just as Mello made him out to be, then why had he nearly killed himself all those years ago just to get away from the raven? If L was justice, then he was a monkey’s uncle.

“I just want to know why L is currently miserable! Because apparently whatever happened in that mess of a relationship you two had really messed him up!”

Light could almost hear the metaphorical thread of his patience snap. His blood turned hot inside of his veins and he felt his head fill with air.

“It messed him up?!” Light gaped, hot fury racing through him. He let out a disbelieving laugh, pulse racing.

And, before he knew it, he was grabbing the cuff of his sleeve and yanking it up. If Mello wanted proof, then Light was sure as hell going to give it to him. Because he was tired of being villainized by those around him. Kira this, and Kira that. If some snot nosed brat wanted to bring up his dark past with the raven, then so be it. Why should he have to attempt to salvage L’s reputation? Why should he have to try to sugarcoat the abuse he endured for three months? And even though he hated the ugly white scars that adorned his arm, he would gladly show it off to the boy if it meant he would finally fuck off and believe him.

Because Light was just sick and tired of everything, at this point. The only other person that could push him to his limit like this was L. So clearly, this boy was his ward. It was not an easy feat to annoy the Light Yagami. The brunette realized that he would probably deeply regret this later, but the look on Mello’s face was enough to shove those thoughts into the back of his mind.

The blonde’s face was a mixture of horror and disbelief. His wide blue eyes swam with an emotion Light could not decipher, and his gloved fists were clenched into tight balls against his stiff frame. Light did his best not to flinch or look down at his own arm, instead soaking up whatever satisfaction he could get from finally making the blonde come face to face with the cold, hard truth.

“This is what finally set me free from L.” He began coldly, “I did this to myself in order to escape that hellhole of a room L had locked me up in. He mentally tormented me almost to the point of insanity and I knew the only way I would be able to leave would be if I was sent to the hospital. So, I broke out of the cuffs he had put me in and. . . well, managed to hurt myself enough to be able to get to the hospital. So, do you finally-,”

“No,” Mello finally choked out, sharply looking away, “That- I mean. . . t-that could be from anything else-!”

“If you’re so desperate to prove me wrong, then ask Watari,” Light interrupted icily, “He was the one who called the ambulance after he saw me lying in the bathroom in a pool of my own blood. Hell, ask L. If you’re training to be a ‘great detective’ like L, then his expression when you ask him should be evidence enough, right?”

A heavy silence enveloped the porch after that, and Light knew he had won. The victory made him nearly feel dizzy with pride, but he soon realized his mangled arm was still on display, so he quickly rolled his sleeve back up and faced the sky again. Dull orange and magenta now painted the previously pinkish blue canvas and the sun was slowly, but surely setting. Light breathed out heavily and hoped that the blonde would just stomp back inside and go cry into the redhead’s arms about how his “idol” was actually just an abuser. Although, Light definitely knew that to some extent, L would never stop being his role model. And, quite frankly, Light could give less than a damn if Mello wanted to willfully remain ignorant and pay no mind to the raven’s blunders. Maybe he too would learn the hard way some day.

“I really don’t wanna believe that,” Mello finally muttered, casting a cowed look at Light’s arm, “But, I mean, L probably really believed that you were guilty. So-,”

“I don’t care what L did or didn’t believe. Just go back inside.” Light snapped, an air of finality laced in his words. He could hear the short, angry intake of breath from the blonde, and he prepared himself to get yelled at again. However, the string of curses he expected to be thrown at him never came. Instead, Mello simply sighed heavily, eyes downcast. He scuffed his shoe against the hardwood flooring and shoved his trembling hands into his pockets.

“You know, I never heard the whole story. But, I think something kinda similar happened to L when he was younger. . .” Mello murmured. And his quiet tone nearly threw Light off guard. In the fews hours he had known the blonde, his tone had always held an abrasive element to it. But, strangely, now his voice held almost no bite. And, Light was so surprised by it, that he had to do a double take after he finally registered what Mello had said. The brunette blinked dumbfoundedly, and he could only stare at the other in muted shock.

On one hand, he was definitely offended that he was comparing Light’s traumatizing experience with one of L’s. Because Mello shouldn’t still be focused on L after everything Light had revealed. Not to mention, he had no right to compare the two at all in the first place. But, on the other. Light felt questions flood through his already disoriatened mind at full speed. Who had hurt L? What did they do to him? Was it as bad as what L did to him? And, why in the everloving fuck did Mello know about it? He desperately needed some answers.

“Uh, what?” Light finally questioned, his tongue feeling as if it had been tied into a million different knots. Mello had the gall to look annoyed, but the blonde just scoffed and tapped his finger against the railing.

“Like I said, I never got the whole story. But, I think he just got into a really bad relationship with this one guy at Wammy’s house. His name was-,” Mello suddenly cut himself off and swallowed nervously. His blue eyes were filled with guilt, the tapping of his fingers became more erratic. Light almost slammed his fists down and demanded the boy give him answers right then and there. His heart was pounding frantically and he thought that it would pop right out of his chest if it beat any harder.

And, despite the whirlwind of emotions racing through him, he almost wanted to deny Mello’s claims. Because, somehow hearing some sob story about how L was abused by a past lover made Light feel ill in more ways than one.

Light, despite knowing how horrible this sounded, hoped that L hadn’t of been abused because then it would somehow be a bit harder to totally despise him. Not that just because L had been abused suddenly erased what he had put Light through. But made a part of Light’s heart ache that the other had been put through that kind of hell. And, naturally, Light despised that part of him that felt bad for L. Why should he still feel bad for him? It made no sense! He hated what L had done to him. How could he still feel some sort of twisted empathy for him after everything that had happened? Light decided that he desperately needed whatever information Mello had.

“Ok, wait, so you’re telling me that L was abused by someone at. . . Wammy’s house? What the hell is that? Is that where you guys live?”

“Listen.” Mello began again, irritation and nervousness seeping into his tone, “I don’t know how much I can tell you. Because L probably doesn’t want me sharing this stuff.”

Light felt his eye twitch in anger and he had to quickly collect himself before he could say anything rash.

“Ok, but I think I’m entitled to a bit more information considering the fact this might explain some of L’s. . . behavior,” It took everything Light had in him to not spit out the words, instead trying to use his most convincing tone.

And, apparently, it had worked for the most part.

Mello’s eyes had narrowed in thought, and he definitely still seemed extremely irritated. But, despite that, he let out a harsh breath of air and leaned heavily on the railing. His gaze became distant as he watched the clouds, as if he was reliving whatever memory he was about to tell.

“Fine, but I’ll only tell you what I saw. And you have to promise me that you will talk to L about it, okay?”

Light nodded, barely paying mind to what the blonde had just said. Promises were for school children and politicians, and words of agreement weren’t a binding contract. 

“Sure, I will. Now, tell me what you know.”

“Well, it was a while ago,” Mello finally began, chewing on his lip, “And, to answer your question, Wammy’s is basically a school for detective’s and gifted children. It’s also an orphanage.”

Light made a small face at that. He assumed that Mello and the other’s didn’t have great parents, considering the fact that they were currently in an entirely different country with no parental supervision. And what sane parent would let their child be taught by L? He’d deduced that L was their caregiver to an extent, but he hadn’t of thought that their parents were currently pushing up flowers six feet under.

“So, yeah. And, I’m actually second best in all of Wammy’s!” Mello bragged, smirking. “Impressive, huh?!”

Yeah, Light didn’t really care about that right now. He had never heard of Wammy’s house, and doubted it had any credibility in the real world. 

“And I would be in first if Near was a cheater,” He grumbled, resting his head onto the rail, expression soured. Light fought the urge to tell the blonde to hurry the hell up, instead forcing himself to remain as patient as he could.

“But, whatever. Anyways, like I said, L used to know this one guy named. . . B.” He almost spat out the name like it was some sort of poison, and Light felt himself almost involuntarily flinch.

This couldn’t be good. The way Mello had uttered this name sounded like he had just spoken of satan himself.

“He was a real grade a asshole,” Mello countined, a fire igniting in his icy blue eyes. “Like, this one time I just walked up to L with Matty and a few other kids to say hi or whatever. And then, this bastard has the gall to insult me and then tear apart my late grandmother's rosary!” Light didn’t miss the way the other’s lip trembled at that, but he said nothing and instead listened to the rest of the other’s rant, “And then L actually stood up for all of us. He got really mad at B. I just remember the bastard having this really savage look in his eyes. Like, fuck, they actually looked red.” A tremour ran through Light at that, “But then, B said something to L that I couldn’t catch, and he just dragged him away. . .”

The brunette’s eyes widened in muted horror at that and his jaw tightened. He could definitely picture what most likely happened to L after that. And, it wasn’t a very pretty picture. Apparently, Mello agreed with him. The blonde appeared to be shaking, and Light knew it wasn’t from the cold. Although, Light definitely didn’t feel enough guilt at that to tell the other to stop.

“That was the first time I realized something might be going on. I may have been a child, but I wasn’t stupid. After that, there were a few times I would notice something was off. Like, the way they looked at each other. Or, the fact that one time L reached for something, and his shirt rode up, and I could see a bunch of really fucking nasty looking bruises. I wanted to ask him about it, because he wasn’t nearly active enough to be getting all of those bruises by accident. But, I just never did. I think I was afraid to get confirmation. Especially with B literally breathing down his damn neck all of the time. Like, he was almost always around L. Constantly. It was really fucking creepy if you ask me. That’s why I would always try to find L when he finally managed to escape having to hang around that bastard.” Mello paused and took in a deep, shaky breath. And Light pretended he didn’t feel the pang of sympathy that ran through him at Mello’s story. Because, he was absolutely not going to feel bad for L. This story wasn’t going to change anything. He just needed to…understand. Light needed explanations, he needed reason’s for the way the world worked. He needed….something to explain why L was the way he was.

“Anyways, the second time was really the first time I KNEW something had been going on. It was the last time I ever saw the bastard. A little bit before, I had heard some sort of really loud commotion down the hall, and I heard Mr. Wammy and B fighting. It sounded really serious. And, I even think I heard Mr. Wammy say something along the lines of, ‘If you don’t get out now, I’ll kill you myself’”

Light sucked in a sharp breath at that. *What the hell was going on in that monstrosity of a house?* He wondered internally, horrified, *Jesus, orphanage my ass! What in the absolute hell did they let happen behind closed doors at that place?!*

“So, yeah. I had almost never heard him swear like that. Especially at one of the kids. But, obviously, B wasn’t some kid orphan. B was like a blood sucking monster, one that hid under the skin of a human. I was actually gonna go check to see what the hell had happened, because I was pretty sure I heard L say something, too. Although, I could barely make it out considering his voice sounded like someone had put his vocal cords through a damn paper shredder. I know that there were screams though, I can still hear those loud and clear. Even after all of this time….be grateful you never grew up at Wammy’s.” Mello trailed off, and Light felt a sick feeling well up inside of his stomach. He could almost imagine what Mello was describing, and it chilled him to his very core.

"I opened the door and was about to go out, but then I saw B walk right past my door. And, holy shit, he looked terrifying. I-I mean-! Not that I was scared of that bastard, obviously! Ha, as if. . .”

Light wasn’t buying that. But, he definitely wasn’t going to call the other out on it, especially considering that he was currently shell shocked at Mello’s story. He half hoped it was fake, but he knew that Mello could not possibly be that good of a liar.

“So, Matt pulled me back into our shared room and told me that we should probably just wait for Mr. Wammy to tell us all what had happened. I tried to fight with him about it, but then I heard a bunch of really loud slams and something breaking. After that day, none of us ever saw him again. That I know of, obviously. But I think L saw him again after that somehow. . . Oh! And then one night I snuck downstairs with Matt, and we both heard Mr. Wammy and Roger talking about how B had basically been thrown in jail for something, and then had bashed his own brains out. But, I never figured out what he did. I think I have a pretty good guess, though. Anyways, yeah. That’s basically the story. . .”

Light was utterly floored, and it took all his willpower not to reveal the ugly emotions that were coursing through him. Because, what the fuck had he just heard? Out of everything he thought he would go through tonight, this was absolutely not one of them. And now, he was both dreading and actually hoping for L’s quick arrival. Because, somehow, he would need to talk to the other about this. How on earth could he not? After everything he had known about L, this had definitely not been one of them. Not that the fact that L was abused made him suddenly want to be with him nor did it allow him to forgive the other, but it certainly did enlighten him on a few things.

Mello suddenly heaved a sigh and stood up straighter. Light nearly jumped out of his skin, he felt like he had just gone through war.

“But, don’t tell L that I told you anything!” He suddenly demanded sharply, the fear in his voice seemingly evaporating altogether. “Or you're dead. Got it? Pin it on Near or something.”

Light scoffed softly. *Yeah, because that’s the most pressing matter right now.* He thought bitterly.

“Um, so is that story gonna help you make your decision about L? Because maybe now you can finally talk to each other about something instead of being all mopey around each other and stuff.”

“You don’t think this is going to make me magically forgive him, right? That’s absurd!” Light hissed, running his shaking fingers through his hair. “Look, it’s awful that he went through that. And It’s…admirable, how much you care for him. But I have my own life now, and it doesn’t involve L.”

“You two are both idiots. You’re almost as stubborn as he is.” Mello gasped. “I didn’t tell you all of that just so you could continue to run away!”

“I’m not running away!”

“Really?”

Light sighed heavily, feeling all of the air leave his body. “You should go back inside.”

“Look….” Mello’s voice suddenly lost all of it’s venom once again. “What you saw in there, Matt and I fighting, it happens a lot. But, we always say sorry and we forgive each other. If you really love someone, it makes everything worth it. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone you loved then constantly holding onto bitterness?”

“When did I say that I loved him?”

“Please,” Mello scoffed. “if you didn’t care about him, you wouldn’t have listened to that story. If you really hated him as much as you say, you wouldn’t be taking care of us.”

“I’m doing that because it would be negligent and irresponsible to throw three teenage boys out onto the street.” Light responded stiffly, not bothering to answer the other part of Mello’s statement. The younger’s perceptiveness annoyed him, and he couldn’t take it. Why did everyone think they had a right to order him around and control his feelings? Only he could control those. He wouldn’t let Mello’s faux wise words or sob story penetrate his mind. 

“But-“

Light turned and fixed Mello with a black stare, his eyelids drooping with tiredness. “Just leave it.”

“I don’t give up so easily.” Mello threatened, earning a snort from Light. He could hear the chirping of crickets in the distance and for a moment he wanted their meaningless lives. 

“Mello?” Sayu’s voice sounded behind him, startling Light. He hadn’t of even heard the door opening over his tumultuous thoughts. “I found some of my old black nail polish, do you wanna come inside.”

“Sure.” Mello cleared his throat, all of the melancholy leaving him as he sounded like a regular teenage boy once again. “I’ll be there in a moment.”

“Are you gonna stay out here all night?” Mello asked as the door closed. Light shrugged his shoulders. 

“…Fine.” Mello sighed, actually sounding subdued for once. “Can..I make somewhat of an odd request?”

Light sighed, that could mean anything. He hoped Mello wouldn’t ask HIM to get a manicure as well. Light would rather be eaten alive by sharks than have any paint on his fingernails. He was an adult, not some rowdy teenager with too many emotions. He didn’t want anyone thinking he was mentally unsound. 

“What?”

And then, the blonde’s arms were suddenly wrapped around his waist. Light winced and resisted the urge to tug the small boy off of him, and he felt his muscles turn into ice. He hated people touching him, and he felt the blonde’s hands moving around as if he was patting his back. Oh god, he hoped he wasn’t abut to get molested by someone younger than him. It felt like an anaconda had latched onto him and was attempting to squeeze his insides out. 

“What are you doing?” Light asked in a strangled voice. It felt like all of the air had left his lungs.

Mello quickly pulled away, giving him a sheepish smirk. His eyes were sparkling. “I just thought you needed a hug.”

Light’s heart slightly softened at that. Mello was only a child after all, and maybe he was a rather affectionate one. He had often had to deal with his little cousins hanging off of him at family reunions, and knew it would be rude to rebuke Mello. So he just gave him an awkward smile and patted his shoulder, thinking that maybe the blonde had more depth inside of him than what met the untrained eye.

“Erm, thanks.” Light mumbled. Mello nodded, seemingly perking up as he walked away, whistling loudly. Light thought nothing of it, and turned his back to the blonde to watch as the sun fell off of the sky. As the yellow ball of fire slowly slide under the horizon, and the pink skies turned indigo, Light was only thinking of one thing. Of one person. The nighttime air felt cold on his skin and he watched as his surroundings were enveloped in darkness. He didn’t know how long he had stayed outside, and it didn’t matter. Time didn’t seem to exist anymore. He wasn’t even sure if he existed at this very moment. 

*Would I ever be able to forgive him?* A shiver raced down Light’s spine, because he didn’t have an answer for that. He hated not knowing. Because he knew everything, he knew how to act and how to control his emotions. So how could he be so unsure about one of the most important things in his life? He didn’t want to loose his resolve. He didn’t want to compromise himself again. What if he couldn’t survive it this time? Light glared at the starry sky, the moon seemed to be hidden by black clouds tonight. It was hiding from him, bathing him in utter darkness.

Love was a really rotten thing.

After a while he had gotten tired of staring at utter blackness and hearing the sounds of cars in the distance. Cars were such noisy bastards, especially at night. He didn’t understand why drivers felt the need to rev their engines or constantly slam on their breaks. The squealing and zooming of machines was breaking up the peaceful night sounds, and Light couldn’t take it. He made his way back into his house. But the screams that immediately pierced his ears upon entrance made him almost turn right back around. 

He heard thundering footsteps from above him and groaned, who had let a hoard of elephants into his house? Looking to his right, he saw that his mother and Mello were currently baking. Well, his mother was at least. Mello seemed to be shoving handfuls of chocolate chips in his mouth, and the boy had somehow managed to get flour onto his face. Light smirked as he noticed Mello was wearing a ‘kiss the cook’ apron, and thought about taking a photo to have at least one pleasant reminder of this whole experience. But as he reached into his back pocket, he was met with fabric. Frowning, he patted his front pockets but those appeared to be only filled with keys and some loose yen. 

“Has anyone seen my phone?” He asked, nearly face palming. He hoped he hadn’t of lost it, he wasn’t exactly keen on buying a new one. He had the Samsung Eternity, which had cost a pretty penny. It had a good battery life and it was small and discreet. Light loved his little black phone, and didn’t want to get another. He had just gotten that one last year, after all. He didn’t want to have to go through the trouble of replacing all of his contacts and setting up his ringtone again.

His mother looked up and shook her head. “Maybe it’s in your room?” She suggested. 

“Maybe.” Light sighed, sitting down at the now empty dinner table. “I don’t feel like going up there right now, though. It sounds like a bull fight is going on.”

“That’s just Matty and Near.” Mello responded, gulping down a mouthful of chocolate. “They’re playing tag with your sister.”

Light groaned, fixing the blonde with a sour look. “Tag? I didn’t really think my sister was still five.” How embarrassing, Sayu should know better. She was his sister, after all. 

“Near suggested it, and he practically is five.” Mello rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t join because I was waiting for my nails to dry. How do they look?” He proudly held up his hand to Light, the black nail polish glimmering from the soft yellow light in his kitchen. Light frowned, looking at the monstrosity he was presented with. Light often wasn’t honest, because no one liked to be told the truth. The truth often wasn’t polite, and if Light was always allowed to speak his mind, he suspected that he wouldn’t be as popular. Telling Mello that he looked like a high-school drop out who badly played the guitar and smoked meth probably wasn’t the best thing he could say. 

“It’s very unique.” Light decided, schooling his expression so that his face wouldn’t betray him. 

Mello accepted this praise, and smiled widely. “Thanks. You should paint your nails, you know. Give..erm, my cousin something to look at.”

Perish the thought! Light couldn’t help the narrowing of his eyes as he gave a disdainful scoff. “I don’t think so.” He muttered, standing up to survey his mother’s cooking. There seemed to be more chocolate on Mello’s face than there was in the bowl, and he stared at the blonde.

“You’ve got something-“ Light wiped at the corner of his mouth, trying to be helpful. But Mello just shrugged, and reached into the bag once again.

“Dear, there’s not going to be any left for the cookies.” His mother laughed slightly, dumping the contents of the mostly empty bag into the rest of the batter and stirring. 

Mello just gave her an impish smile, making Light roll his eyes. If Mello had helped with any of the baking, Light knew he wouldn’t be eating anything. There was probably chipped paint inside of that batter for Christ’s sake! Plus, looking at the copious amount of chocolate smeared on Mello’s hands and face made him ill. He would never understand how some engorged themselves on such rich delicacies. L was such a bad influence on these children.

Light jerked his head towards the ceiling as he suddenly heard a crash and groaned. It would be a miracle and a half if his childhood home wasn’t in shambles by the time L arrived. 

“Oh my.” His mother muttered, spooning small clumps of raw cookies onto a baking tray. “Light, could you go and tell them to calm down a little please? And make sure nothing is broken.”

Light wanted to shout that he wasn’t keeper of the brats, but held his tongue and nodded. They were his responsibility, whether he liked it or not. If something was broken, he’d likely have to deal with the mess. Just like a glorified housekeeper. This wasn’t right, he had just managed the highest score on exams!

“Can you all please be quiet?” Light groaned as he reached the top of the stairs. Sayu had nearly run into him, making him clutch onto the railing tightly. Near and Matt were currently wrestling, and the white-haired boy’s head nearly hit a very sharp corner. Light made his way over to them, clapping his hands in an attempt to break up the fight. He had no idea how to make these children obey him, but he had seen this done to wild dogs. 

“Don’t hurt Near, Matt.” Light sighed, as neither boy paid him any mind. Near just shot him a blank stare, and Matt continued to try and ruffle his hair. Light surveyed the area around them and found the source of the noise. His late grandmother’s white vase had fallen to the floor, and a large angular piece had chipped off of the top. Light froze, taking in the disaster before him. His mother had treasured that vase!

“Sayu!” He shouted to his sister, who was currently trying and failing to hide behind his bedroom door. “Who broke this?”

She just shrugged, shooting him a deer caught in the headlight’s stare. “No one.”

Light scowled at the obvious lie. His sister wasn’t nearly as good of an actor as he was. “Then why is it broken?”

“I think the wind did it.” Matt finally managed, as he stood up and dusted himself off.

“Well that would be quite a feat, considering there are no windows in this hallway.” Light ground out, staring at him meaningfully. Matt obviously wasn’t cowed, and pushed past him to run after Sayu.

“That was the handiwork of myself and Matt, I am very sorry.” Near told him quietly, twirling a piece of his hair. “In my defense, Matt knocked me into the table first.”

Light just massaged his temples and nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“L will pay for it-“

“No,” Light sighed, cutting off the small boy. “No, it was my grandmother’s.”

“Oh, well I am terribly sorry.” 

Light just crouched down, and delicately picked up the shard in between his fingers. Would superglue be able to fix this? “It’s fine. Just tell Matt and Sayu to settle down. And DON”T break anything else.”

He could see Near nod and quickly scurry off out of the corner of his eye. The noise quickly resumed as Sayu’s shrieks and Matt’s screams pieced his eardrums. Light just shook his head, picking up what was left of the vase and making his way downstairs yet again. He was going to need aspirin tonight, he was on his fourth headache of the day and didn’t know how much more he could handle. He was starting to understand why L was such a moody bastard, if this was the turmoil he constantly had to live with. 

“They broke a vase.” Light sighed, setting it down on the counter. “I’ll fix it tomorrow, I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” His mother’s eyes glistened, making the guilt eating away at his soul grow tenfold. Now he had disappointed his mother, and once again it was L’s fault. It was L’s fault by association. “Well, it was just a vase.”

“I’m sorry mom, it wasn’t just a vase.” Light sighed, running his cold fingers through his greasy brown locks. Yuck. In all of the commotion, he hadn’t of realized how unsightly he must have looked. “I’m going to take a shower, can you leave out an aspirin and some of those melatonin capsules.”

“Of course dear.” His mother murmured as he turned to make his way back up the stairs. “And don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault.”

It was though. This whole night was just a delayed nightmare that came from knowing L. He should’ve let the country and moved to France when he had had the chance. 

He firmly closed the bathroom door, and double checked that it was locked. These boys didn’t seem to have any personal boundaries, and he didn’t need someone bursting in one him while he was scrubbing himself clean. That would be too mortifying, and Light would probably disintegrate from the inside out. The bruises and scratches on his hips still hadn’t of healed from the previous week, and Light certainly didn’t need any nosy questions about his wounds. He had showed enough of his mangled body off tonight, anyway. 

He yanked the shower facet so that the handle was resting somewhat in the middle. He didn’t want his skin to peel off, but he didn’t really feel like catching hypothermia either. 

*I just need something to disguise my tears.* Light internally laughed at his own morbid joke, though he wouldn’t be crying. Not over this. he’d probably just bang his head against the tiles a few times until the ringing stopped.

He stripped off his clothes, not bothering to admire himself in the mirror as he usually would. He had dropped a few pounds since L’s last visit, and his ribs were starting to poke through. Which wasn’t good, because Light didn’t not want to look like he was starved and unhealthy. He wanted to be toned and lean, not look as if all he ate were ice cubes and celery stalks. It wasn’t his fault that everything tasted like sawdust or old mothballs. Aw, whatever. He’d start a juice cleanse next week or something. 

He walked under the soothing spray, and sighed as he felt the water drip over himself. His soaked hair hung limply in front of his eyes and he closed them, to savor the feeling of warmness that was enveloping him. He felt clean, and he felt safe. Nothing could worry him inside of this shower. He was washing away all of his sins, all of his loathsome feelings. The water was stripping away the faith of the day, leaving only Light Yagami underneath. He felt purified.

His massaged his milk and honey shampoo into his hair, and he could almost feel the volume and shine seeping back into his locks. He could feel split ends becoming mended, and frizz was nothing more than a bad dream. The suds ran down his face as he stood under the water, hearing nothing but the raining water and his own beating heart. Many men his age didn’t give much thought about their hair, but Light did. Many would simply use some wax and call it a day. As if. One had to take care of one’s hair, because otherwise how were they to be trusted? Personal hygiene was the most important skill one could master. If you couldn’t be trusted to take care of yourself, then who could ever hope to trust you with anything of importance?

Just as he had squirted a generous glob of conditioner into his hand, a frightful knocking sounded at the door. Light grit his teeth together, and resisted the urge to angrily slap the cream onto his head. He had to massage it in, gently. And then wait for three minutes while his hair absorbed the mixture, before gently rinsing and then starting in on body wash. Body wash should always be used after conditioner. If you rinse conditioner out after you’ve already cleaned your body, then the conditioner will cause acne. But, if you clean your body after the conditioner, than you’ll be cleaner. With no more risk of acne. Light had learned this fact at the tender age of five, and he was wiser for it. Then, he would brush his teeth with charcoal-

The knocking sounded again, louder this time. It sounded as if someone was attempting to ram the door down. Could they not hear that he was in the shower? Who in their right mind would try and converse with him now?

“Light? Are you in there?” Oh, Mello would.

“I’m in the shower.” Light called back, trying not to let too much anger seep into his voice. So now he couldn’t even find serenity in his cleansing ritual?

“Do you want a cookie? They’re fresh from the oven, and really good!” Light’s ministrations paused as he took in the blonde’s words. Did he expect him to eat…..in the shower?

“No thank you.” Light sighed loudly. “I’m kind of busy at the moment.”

“Oh. Well when will you be done? I’m getting tired, and-” 

“Then go to sleep.” Light ordered, spitting out the water that was beginning to pool inside of his mouth. Had it been three minutes? “It’s probably late.”

“It’s only eleven!” Mello whined, and Light could feel a vein twitch below his eye.

“That’s late.” He retorted. “I know what kind of hours L keeps, but we aren’t nocturnal around here. Boys your age should be getting at least eight hours-“

“‘Kay, bye!” Mello suddenly shouted, and Light leaned into the spray, which was getting colder. He did not want to be shivering all night long, and he hated being doused with cold water. L always used to use up all of the hot water-

And with that thought, Light flipped the handle back to it’s usual position and ripped open the shower curtain. One L reentered his thoughts, his peaceful shower time would turn into a place of mourning. And that was never fun. Wrapping a fluffy white towel around himself, he wiped fog away from the mirror and stared at himself. His eyes dropped with tiredness an he briefly wondered about the sleeping arrangements that would have to be made tonight. Redressing himself, he sighed, Would he have to make up the couch or-

Oh. His questions answered as he emerged into his bathroom and reentered his room. The three boys were laid on his bed, and all appeared to be sleeping soundly. On HIS bed. Light resisted the urge to tug at his hair in frustration as he looked down. Mello and Matt were cuddled together, and both had the soft smile of sleep on their faces. Near was hugging a pillow close to his chest and looked dead to the world as well. All of their chests slowly rose and fell, and Light knew that they were not faking. And it would be cruel to wake up sleeping children and order them to relocate. Sighing, he realized that his bed was full and there was no possible way he would be able to lay on the mattress without crushing three teenagers. And it would be quite odd for a full grown male to lie with children, and the thought made Light cringe. No, he was going to be forced to take the couch and wake up with a crick in his neck. Lovely.

So quickly changing into some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, he exited the room, closing the door softly. At least he would be able to finally rest. Maybe his head ache would go away. The house was dark and quiet, so he guessed that his mother and sister had retired as well. How long had he been in the shower? Swallowing the pills his mother had left out for him, he poured himself a glass of water and headed to the couch. He pulled an extra blanket and pillow out of the closet, and regretfully settled down. He knew his father wouldn’t be home for awhile, being the chief of police he was expected to retain late hours. 

He drank the last of his water, the cool liquid sliding down his fried throat, and laid down onto the pillow. It was firm and not at all soft, which irked him badly. The blanket was cold for misuse and the couch felt brittle. He tossed and turned, but no angle suited him. The sound of buzzing silence filled his ears as he sullenly glared up at the ceiling. He felt like he was in the doghouse, like he was a scorned husband separating from his wife laying on this damn couch. This isn’t right, Light Yagami wasn’t supposed to sleep on pieces of living room furniture. His nose felt clogged, and his skull throbbed. When would the sweet relief of unconsciousness take him?

A buzzing to his right suddenly distracted him, and he blearily looked over. What? His phone was lying on the coffee table, and was lit up. When had he left it there?

Sighing, he picked the device up to see who would be bothering him this late at night. Oh, it was Kiyomi. Was she messaging him to apologize, or ask when he would be home?

Kiyomi: Light?? You can’t be serious! We’re done, do you hear me you bastard?? You will move out of this house effective immediately!

What? His blood ran cold, and the phone shook in his hands. What, what, what? Was he already dreaming? Was he hallucinating from stress? What on earth was Kiyomi talking about? His face felt inflamed, and he swallowed loudly as he read the message that had been sent to her.

Light: Babe, listen, I’ve been cheating on you so we should probably break up. Sorry!

“Light?” His father’s voice sounded from above him. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in your bed-“

“I’ll explain in the morning.” Light snapped, as he pulled the covers over his head. 

He knew who had sent the message, and they would soon feel his unforgiving wrath! This was unacceptable, and he knew he would have quite the mess to clean up when he woke up and came to his senses. His teeth were clenched together so tightly that he feared they would break. But, it was nighttime now and he ignored the sensation of his heart beating in his throat as he drifted into dreamland. 

He dreamt of nothing. It’s name was L.


	23. Disaster On The Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, okay. So. Hi. How are you guys? Good? You want some tea? Or crumpets? Lovely weather, isn't it?
> 
> ......
> 
> Okay, so. I am very fearful to read the feedback for this chapter. I'm sorry, I was inspired from the comments on chapter nineteen. A lot happens in today's installment, so grab a snack. And tissues. Maybe a stress ball. 
> 
> AND IF YOU AREN'T HAPPY WITH THE ENDING...don't worry, I swear it's not as it seems. The next chapter, which explains everything, will be out soon. So, for now, I hope that this chapter wasn't too horrifying. Also, no statutory will be happening because I am NOT writing that.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter:) As always, I eagerly await your comments and thoughts. It's like my own personal crack, but in a good way!

To say that Light was furious would be a gross understatement. That would be like calling World War Two a friendly disagreement. Light had woken up on the wrong side of the bed, on the wrong side of life it’s self. He was filled with so much unholy rage that it was a wonder he hadn’t of simply burnt up. He laid on his makeshift bed for hours, watching the first rays of dawn shine timidly through his living room window. He could hear the birds chirping joyously, celebrating a new day of life. The sky looked bright and blue, and he could hear his mother in the kitchen. He could also hear laughter coming from his bedroom. Laughter, mocking his own misery. His own suffering, caused by mere CHILDREN.

It was unbearable, and Light had stewed in his own rage for long enough. It had been boiling for some time, and it was now ready to bubble over and burn all those unfortunate enough to touch it.

Ripping off his covers, he stared at the phone in his clenched hand before making his way up the stairs. With each step he took he could feel his heartbeat race louder. His veins were filled with wrath and fury, and his eyes were burning with an incensed fire. He swallowed back his screams several times, before gripping his door handle and wrenching the door open. The cold burst of air that hit his face did nothing to soothe his anger.

In short, Light Yagami was pissed on this fine morning.

Near was standing on his balcony, looking at the happenings outside of his house. Mello and Matt were sitting cross-legged on his bed, animatedly pointing to something on Matt’s small gaming device. All chatter ceased, however, when they laid eyes on Light’s face. Mello had the gall to look guilty, which Light knew that he was. Matt was too glib to have sent that message, and Near would never dream if doing something that outrageous. Light knew that, even though he had hardly spent any time around the boys. He was quite good at reading other’s, after all.

But Mello had hugged him, and in doing so, must’ve swiped his phone. Mello’s small air head must’ve thought that he was doing a public good, ridding Light of his evil mistress so that he could be reunited with his true love. He could almost imagine Mello staring sinisterly at the electronic keys, deliberately typing out that damning message. 

L was lucky that Light really wasn’t Kira. If he had been, Mello would currently be rotting at the bottom of a river. If Light hadn’t of had such a control over his base instincts, Mello would’ve have been quite thoroughly done for. But, Light could settle for fantasies and harsh words over actually squeezing the life out of the blonde. And as Mello’s blue eyes locked onto his, Light felt the fire that was consuming his soul burn brighter.

“Hey Light, sorry we took your bed last night-“ Matt started off, but it was no use. Nothing could stop Light’s anger now, it was a force of it’s own that demanded to be dealt with.

“What the fuck did you do?” Light whispered dangerously, firmly shutting the door behind him. His muscles were alive with activity, and his racing thoughts would not stop. “Mello, tell me the truth.”

“Me?” Mello squeaked, obviously feeling Light’s fury fill the room. He looked around quickly, as if trying to gauge how to best escape form this situation. “What did I do?”

“Let’s see, last night I was awoken by a text from my girlfriend. Sorry, I guess now she’s my ex girlfriend because somehow she got a text message from me that I never actually wrote or sent. Saying I was cheating on her. Ring any bells?”

Mello shook his head wildly, his blonde hair flying haphazardly around his unusually able face. “Uh…I-I don’t know anything about that!”

“Uh, huh.” Light nodded his head, laughing mockingly. He felt a maniac grin spread on his face, as he looked down at Mello with an expression only the joker should have been able to wear. The blonde gulped and grabbed Matt’s hand, as if the red head could protect him.

“So you didn’t happen to grab my phone last night? During that ‘hug’?” Light scoffed, throwing his hands up into the air. “I can’t believe you!”

“Mello, I told you not to provoke him.” Near called from his balcony, leaning against the door frame and giving Mello a bored stare. Mello looked back and forth from Light and Near, his small fists clenching.

“Look, it’s not that big of a deal!” He finally shouted. “Light, your girlfriend was in the way so I took care of it for you. You really should be thanking me…”

“Thanking you?” Light parroted, his eyes widening incredulously. Mello gulped and looked away, realizing that was probably the least wise thing he could’ve said. “What I should be doing kicking you out onto the street! You are so lucky that I have control over myself, or you’d be done for!”

“Don’t threaten me!” Mello snapped. “So what, I caused a break up between you and your pathetic little lover! You know that L-“

“Oh no! Don’t you ever say his name to me again!” Light snapped harshly. “I do NOT want to be with L! I will NEVER be with L, and I want you to get that through your thick skull. You can’t just play with my life as if it’s your own personal game! You’re completely out of line, and I won’t stand for it!”

“Dude, just tell your girlfriend that Mello sent the text.” Matt rolled his eyes, pulling a small cigarette packet from his pocket. “Can I smoke in here?”

Light just stared at him as if Matt has suddenly turned into a fish, his brown eyes widening incredulously. “You will not smoke in here!” He yelled, pointing a finger at the red head. Matt sighed, but luckily threw the cigarettes onto his bed and went back to playing his game.

“Light, just think about this-“

“Mello, I’m sick of hearing your voice. And I am done dealing with your insane antics.” Light told him coldly. “You will not do or say anything for the rest of the time you are here. Do you understand? You will quietly sit on that bed until L comes to retrieve you, and you will never bother me ever again!”

“But that’s not fair!”

Light scoffed, angrily stomping over to his closet and pulling out a few articles of clothing. He didn’t want to lie around in rumpled sweats all day, so he supposed a simple white button up shirt and khaki’s would do. He didn’t have the energy to wear anything fancier, and it wasn’t like he was going to be doing much of anything today besides continuing to watch over these brats. 

“Mello, shut up.” He grumbled, wrenching open the door to go into the bathroom and change. “And you will explain this whole mess to Kiyomi, I’ll be calling her soon.”

“No way!” Mello cried out. “That defeats the whole purpose-“

Light didn’t allow him to finish as he firmly shut the bedroom door and stalked not the bathroom. He4 placed his hands on the cold countertop and counted to twenty, attempting to breathe evenly. Looking up, he observed how his eyes looked like they were about to budge out of his skull. He had never seen himself look so fearsome before, and he took a step back to ground himself. His cheeks were hollowed in and his mouth was set into a straight line.

Mello had had the audacity to try and defend his actions, which Light should’ve suspected. It was exactly what L would’ve done. Mello was just a blonder, more volatile version of L after all. Tugging off his sweatshirt with ferocity, he tried to button up his shirt with as much grace as he could muster. This was awful. This was horrid. He controlled his life. Not a blonde child who had hardly graduated from primary school! He had caused more damage in a few short hours that a tsunami. 

“Good morning Light-o!” Ryuk phased through the wall, almost making Light jump out of his skin. He frowned, hastily buttoning up the remaining buttons so that his torso would be covered. He had told Ryuk not to barge in on him when he was dressing himself, but the shinigami didn’t care. Ryuk was shameless and did whatever he pleased, but Light couldn’t stop him because he was a supernatural creature after all. Bellyaching at Ryuk was more trouble than it was worth, talking to a stone wall would be a more productive way to spend your time. Light had accepted the fact that Ryuk was just someone he couldn’t control, and placated himself with the fact that the shinigami was basically a devilish version of a cat. As long as he didn’t cause too much chaos in Light’s life, he wouldn’t burn the Death Note. Ryuk could have his fun if Light was ever so inclined, and that’s how he stayed in control.

“Must you watch me while I change?” Light sighed, stripping out of his sweatpants and changing into a new pair of boxers. He would feel self-conscious, but it wasn’t like Ryuk was looking at him as if he wanted to bed him. That was the nice thing about his demon friend, he didn’t want anything from Light but entertainment. 

“Hyuk hyuk don’t flatter yourself pretty boy, you’re not my type.” Ryuk cackled, flying around the bathroom. “Ya know, I heard what your little friend was telling you outside last night.”

“Mello?” Light frowned. “He’s not my friend.” He ran a brush through his hair, smoothing it down until it appeared perfect. 

“Well anyway, that story he was telling you? About that B fellow?” Light’s ears pricked up and he turned around quickly. Ryuk paused for dramatic effect, irking Light. The shinigami’s red eyes were wide with delight, and he stared at Light as if he was a red juicy apple. “I knew him.”

“What?” Light croaked out. Ryuk had known L’s past lover? Why? Had he somehow had a Death Note too? His mind was swirling with endless possibilities and he gripped the countertop. “You knew him? Why?” This was too big of a coincidence, and Light didn’t believe in those. Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous, as Einstein had said. 

“You’ll enjoy this.” Ryuk told him sinisterly, arranging himself so that he was hovering cross-legged in the air. “Me and some of the other shinigami’s used to watch over him. He was special, because the King’s right hand man sired him. It was a real hoot, since shinigami aren’t supposed to breed and all of that.”

Light felt as if he had just been kicked in the stomach, and breathed out harshly. His blood had suddenly turned into ice inside of his veins, and he nearly bit his tongue out of shock. What had Ryuk just said? *That’s impossible! That means…” *He was a shinigami’s child?”

“Yup.” Ryuk cackled flicking his blue tongue out to lick at the corner of his mouth. “The king was seriously pissed off when he found out about it. But since ol’ Justin is ‘important’ or whatever…” Ryuk made a face at that. “He wasn’t killed. Which is totally unfair, because if I had done something that idiotic I would be nothing more than a pile of sand!”

Light shook his head, trying to imagine a human that was half-demon. It didn’t make sense, but hell nothing about shinigamis made sense. Ryuk’s entire existence had thrown a wrench into all of his logical musings a long time ago.

“What happened to him?" Light asked quietly. “Why was he special?”

Ryuk shrugged. “Mostly cuz he was born with the shinigami eyes, and he had real violent tendencies. Since all shinigami have the need to murder, I guess that trickled down into his DNA. He’d scheme and get into fights and beat people up….mostly it was interesting to see the king try and kill him. He was immune to the Death Note I guess, probably because he was half shinigami.”

“Was Mello right? Did he die?”

“Killed himself, yeah.” Ryuk nodded, suddenly straightening himself out to fluff out his wings and stretch. The ways in which his body contorted almost made Light feel sick. “Your lover boy? Thinking back on it….he was definitely the one Beyond would beat on the most. It was really sick, I watched it one time. Surprised the poor bastard didn’t just die. Reading Beyond’s intentions…I knew he wanted to kill L.”

“Why didn’t he?” Light murmured, horror filling his soul. He assumed that anyone with demon blood running through their veins would be more powerful than humans, maybe powerful enough to snap someone’s neck with their fingers. Had L even know how much danger he was in? A strange feeling welled up in Light’s throat, and he couldn’t swallow i down. 

“He liked to play with his food.” Ryuk replied, his blue lips twisting up sinisterly. “He was driven mad before he could do any real damage, anyway. He probably would’ve been a fantastic serial killer if he had been more committed. I don’t blame him though, if Justin was my father I’d have killed myself too.”

“He was a killer?”

Ryuk looked at him as if he was dull. “He’s still fun to visit sometimes though, hyuk hyuk.”

Light could feel his mouth fall open at that. “V-visit? I thought you said he was dead!”

“Yeah, but his soul’s still in hell.” Ryuk chortled. “He always begs me to take him outta there, but the king would have my head on a platter if I ever did something as stupid as that. No, sometimes I’ll let him out for a few minutes. He’s not nearly entertaining enough to commit to, all he wants to do is weep about his battered mind or get revenge on that ‘L’ character.”

“You...can let him out?” Light sputtered, horrified. Ryuk was such a bastard, but this was low even for him. If someone was burning in hell, obviously they deserved to stay there. And what did that even mean? What did this ‘B’ do when he was out? Light’s legs suddenly felt very shaky. “Why would you do that-“

Suddenly, a harsh crash from the other room distracted Light from his newfound horror. Wrenching the bathroom door open, he hurriedly rushed into his room to where the source of the noise had come from. And, lo and behold, a photo frame was sitting besides Mello’s feet and he looked extremely guilty. His eyes widened as Light entered the room, and Matt hastily retreated to the bed. Near was sitting on his computer chair, and just disdainfully shook his head at the blonde.

“Sorry Light!” Mello yelped. “Matty pushed me all in good fun, and I really didn’t mean to-“

Light wasn’t interested in excuses as he slowly crouched down and picked the photo frame up. It was a picture of him when he was a baby, sitting on his mother’s lap. That had been his first day of preschool, and he stared at the cracked glass in horror. His small smiling face was distorted, and a piece of the glass picked at his thumb painfully. Hissing, he stuck the finger inside of his mouth. He slowly sat the frame down, fury flooding hot through his veins.

“That’s it!” He shrieked, standing up. “You little twits are the most destructive things I have ever had the displeasure of meeting! Did I not order you to sit on the bed quietly? What is wrong with you?” He backed up towards the door, shaking. It was all too much. The glass…his blood….his shattered childhood memory. The walls seemed to spin around him and his vision was growing fuzzy. It was all too much. It was three years ago, and he was back with L. The L who didn’t care about him, the L that was going to kill him. His breath caught in his throat and he felt his lungs shrivel. All he could feel was the beating of his own heart and the sticky feeling of blood coating his arm.

“-ight? Are you okay?” A quiet voice came from beside him, and a soft hand was suddenly laid on his arm. Jumping back, Light fixed Near with a steely gaze.

“I’m not dealing with this.” He spat, trying his best to breathe slow and evenly. His heartbeat felt as if it was stuck inside of his head and he suddenly felt cold all over. Without a second thought, he wrenched the door open and stalked out.

“What do you mean?” Mello yelled, racing behind Light. He tugged at his arm, but Light quickly snatched it away. “Where are you going?”

“The library. I don’t know, anywhere that isn’t here.” Light snapped, gripped onto the railing tightly. “L can pick you bastards up, because I’m not driving you to the airport. I’m not wasting anymore of my precious time on this insane situation.”

“No!” Mello called from above him. “No! You’ll ruin everything, you have to be here when L comes-“

“I’m not speaking to him.” Light shouted, yanking his front door open and firmly slamming it behind himself. He could faintly here his mother’s voice calling from behind him, but he didn’t stop. He looked behind himself, but luckily all he saw the empty street. Good. At least they had finally respected his wishes and known it was futile to chase after him. He shoved his hands into his pockets angrily as he stalked down the barren street. A baby was crying somewhere behind him, and for a moment he felt like bursting into tears as well. Even the sun that was shining down on him made him feel fridgid, and he glared up at the slowly moving white clouds.

*No, it’s fine. It’s all over.* He placated himself. *Tonight when you come back home….* They would be gone, and Light would be free from L forever. 

*Do you even want that?* A nasty thought popped into his head, and Light nearly groaned out loud. Yes, he did want that.

*What about Mello’s story?* Light shook his head. That didn’t mean anything, right? That didn’t change what L had done to him….his heart pounded painfully inside of his ribcage. No, seeing L would be a bad idea. It was better to severe ties cleanly. Because, what if he actually considered taking L back? And what if L rejected him this time? He had threatened him, after all. Light knew that he shouldn’t worry over this. That part of his life was over, he couldn’t go back. Not now. It was safer to let go of L. There would be less turmoil.

He angrily kicked a small pebble with his shoe. He had half a mind to turn around, but that would be weak. That would be pitiful. Plus, he’d have to deal with the three little pigs until L arrived. And what would he even say to him? No, no it was too late.

*I’m strong enough to survive without him!* Though, with this thought a frown came to pull at his lips. Why was he so emotional today? What was going on?

“Woah, that was pretty dramatic.” Light groaned, remembering he still had to deal with Ryuk. 

“Whatever.” Light sighed, turning a corner. 

“…You miss him, don’t you.” Damn Ryuk and his mind reading eyes! Light resisted the urge to turn around and give the unseen entity a glare. 

“Whatever.” He repeated. Yes, Light did have quite a way with words. 

“Tell me more about B.” Light suddenly whispered, turning around to glare at the shinigami. Yes, he needed more of a reason to feel sympathy for L to prove that he still cared for him….no, no! That wasn’t it at all! Light was curious, is all. He knew that it killed the cat, but he couldn’t help it. If the cat had allowed itself to be killed by mere fascination, it probably wasn’t the smartest creature to begin with. 

“I told you all I really know.” Ryuk sighed. “Shinigami kid, had the eyes, was a violent murderer…check, check, and check. Could I have an apple?”

“Later.” Light grumbled. “If you tell me more. Like, who did he kill?”

“People.”

Light almost turned around and kicked the shinigami. He would’ve, if he hadn’t of known that his foot would simply sail right through. 

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Light responded lowly. “Like what types of people did he kill?”

“Just look him up on one of those typey-thingys you’re always using.”

Light rolled his eyes, stopping to buy a ticket. When he was out of earshot, he responded to the dull demon. “If I type in the letter ‘B’, I don’t think I’ll get any results. What was his name?”

“Uh uh.” Ryuk flew in front of him and wagged a talon in front of his face. “I can’t tell humans the names of other humans. Sorry Light-o, them’s the rules."

Light did sigh loudly at this. “You really are useless.” He grumbled, boarding the train. He sat in one of the cramped seats and resisted the urge to gag. He had just sat next to a mother and her baby. Couldn’t he ever escape from children. The baby gave him an owlish stare, and Light resisted the urge to glare back. No, he shouldn’t take his feelings out on an unsuspecting infant. That would be odd and downright cruel. He just hoped the thing wouldn’t start wailing. He didn’t think he could deal with another headache.

“One of the other shinigami’s, Gelus, said that he went by the initials BB.” Ryuk finally muttered. “The killings happened in that city called Lost Angels….or what’s it called? You know, the city in that country?”

Light gave the shinigami a blank stare. Wow, that really narrowed it down. Lost Angels? He searched his brain…..was Ryuk talking about-

"Los angeles!” Ryuk snapped his fingers, his wide grin reappearing on his face. He crossed his arms and looked down at Light smugly, as if he had just found the cure for cancer. “That’s it! I remember because I once haunted a girl down there. Boy, was she fun! She used the Death Note to kill all of her ex boyfriends, and would always take me down to the ocean! It was a riot, I loved swimming in the waves. Why don’t we ever go to the ocean?”

Light tuned Ryuk’s babbling out and stared disinterestedly at the hastily moving buildings outside of the window opposite to him. They were all blurs, and the sky seemed to melt into them. Was B the man behind the LABB murders? He remembered hearing about the case when he was younger. That was when he had first heard of L, and had been awed by how he seemed to solve almost unsolvable cases. Everyone in school had talked about the LABB murder case because of the use of wara ningyo dolls. One of his friends had suggested that the dolls were responsible for the murders, and Light had laughed at the absurdity. He had admired L for catching the culprit. Oh, how naive he had been. 

So, that settled it. He’d go to the library and research the LABB murder case. He had to get all of the details, he had to somehow understand L better. He felt as if this was the missing link, the puzzle piece that would finally complete the mystery that was L. Because if this man had abused him, maybe L wasn’t as awful as Light believed he was. Maybe he wasn’t the monster.

Or maybe that was wishful thinking. Maybe Light wanted a reason to forgive L. Maybe he wanted an easy answer that would absolve L of all of his crimes. Maybe he wanted to finally understand the man, once and for all. The aching of his heart told him that it wasn’t morbid fascination that he was feeling. No, he wanted to make sense of this mess. 

“This is a fucking nightmare!” Mello screamed, gripping his blonde locks in frustration. “What are we gonna do, Matty? L said he’d be here in an hour and Light still isn’t home!” Mello had been walking around d the small room in a panic for the last twenty minutes. Light had left earlier that morning, and it was now three in the afternoon. He couldn’t wait for him to return, not any longer. His nerves were buzzing with activity and his heart was alive with panic. If L wasn’t placated, Mello would surely get an earful. And that was if he was lucky. No, L in a foul mood, an even fouler mood than when he had left him, was not something he wanted to deal with. It seemed as if the walls were closing in on him, and Mello fought the urge to hyperventilate. He was L’s second successor dammit, not some dummy! He could figure this out, he could!

“Dunno, Mells.” Matt muttered, obviously too focused on his gaming console to give a damn about Mello’s crisis. Mello stopped his pacing to glare at the red head, contemplating grabbing the small DS and flinging it onto the wall. He didn’t want to cause anymore damage though, and alert Light’s mom to the fact that he was currently having a meltdown. 

“Mello, maybe you should just let bygones be bygones.” Near sighed, twirling around in Light’s computer chair. It made a sudden squeaking noise that sounded like a gunshot to Mello’s over-sensitive ears. “Cut your losses, before you get into any more trouble-“

“That’s exactly what a pansy would do Near. You’re a pansy, not me!” Mello spat. “I will not give up, otherwise that means I wasted all of my christmas money on this damn trip. And L will be even more pissed if Light’s not here, I might even get kicked out of the successor program!” His heart seized at this thought, and Mello frantically shook his head to clear his mind. No, he couldn’t loose focus. Not now! They were so close, and he wasn’t going to let that damned brunette get away. 

“Let’s go Matty.” Mello suddenly announced, yanking the red head’s arm so that he was forced to stand up. “We’re taking a trip to the library!”

“Shit! My game…” Matt griped, watching as his DS fell to the floor. It made a dull thumping noise, but Mello was already pulling Matt to the door. “Mello, how do you even know he’s at the library! What if he’s with his girlfriend? And-and we don’t even know where a library around here is!”

Matt’s protests fell on deaf ears, as Mello continued to drag him out of the room and down the stairs. “Near, stall L if we aren’t back in time.” Mello hissed over his shoulder. Yes, he would drag Light back here by his hair if he had to! Which each step he took, his determination grew tenfold. Matt was like dead weight behind him, but at least his boyfriend was walking and not tumbling down the stairs.

“This is so fucking stupid…” Matt muttered hatefully. “Dumb plan, dumb fucking people….you owe me two hand jobs for this whole mess, and maybe even a blowjob! I swear to God Mello, I hate you so much right now…”

Mello just ignored Matt’s annoyance, and ripped open the front door. The sun was shining, which was a good sign. If it was stormy, his plan would fail. But since the weather was fair, that obviously meant God was on his side. Right?

“Bye Mrs. Yagami, we’re going to find Light!” Mello called out, quickly shutting the door before Light’s mom could protest. He smiled at the world, determination filling him to the brim. Mello would die on this mission if he had to. He would prove that he was capable of moving heaven and earth if he so pleased! Maybe he’d tell Light that L would kill himself if he rejected him. That’s what they did in the movies, right? And a little threat never hurt anyone. 

“I miss my game.” Matt complained.

“Tough shit Matty, this is more important than Mario Kart.” Mello shot back, rolling his eyes. Now, where would Japan keep their libraries?

“It was actually the legend of Zelda.” Matt shot back. 

“I don’t give a fuck if it was the legend of Mr. shit-for-brains.” Mello hissed, scanning the empty street. “Where do you think Light went? Do you think he left any footprints?”

“In the summer?” Matt scoffed, making Mello turn around and glare at his boyfriend. 

“I don’t hear you coming up with any bright ideas!” He scowled, flexing his hands. God, he needed some chocolate. He felt like itching his neck frantically like some kind of junkie. He hadn’t of had chocolate since this morning and he could already feel his inner light start to dim. Maybe there would be a cafe on the way.

“Here’s one! Let’s go back inside.”

“Spoken like a true quitter, you fucking burning bush.”

“I told you not to call me that dammit! My hair is a soft auburn, and you know it!”

“Your hair is sticking up like you were just electrocuted! Now get out your phone and go to google maps!”

“At least my hair isn’t the same color as fucking Britney Spears.”

“Oh, so now we’re pretending like Britney Spears isn’t cool?”

“Fuck you Mello, I’m tired!”

“Fuck you too, and not in the fun way! I want chocolate.”

“You always want chocolate, you damn addict.”

Mello threw up his hands and stomped his foot loudly, almost feeling as if he had made the street shake. He was furious, and antsy, and just wanted to have one thing work out for him! He didn’t need Matt’s stupid complaints and rude little insults. He just wanted to make L proud, why was everything going wrong? He felt a scream bubble up inside of him. “Oh, this coming from the man who sucks his game console’s dick? You’re one to talk about obsession, you little hobgoblin! I just need to find Light dammit, now help me!“

“Excuse me?” A foreign male’s voice suddenly sounded behind them. “Did you say you’re looking for Light? Light Yagami?"

Mello whirled around to see if this stranger had any intel for him. He was an older looking man, with shoulder length black hair and small little glasses. The kind of glasses that Roger always wore, yuck. But he was dressed smartly and was carrying a briefcase. Mello’s heart swelled, this man looked like someone Light would associate with. Maybe it was his friend! It felt like a ray of light was shining down on his new possible savior, and Mello nodded eagerly.

“Yeah! He’s my friend…and I need to find him. Like, now. Do you know where he is?”

The stranger smiled kindly at him, and nodded sagely. “You two must be the ones he sent me to find. My name is Teru Mikami, and I’m Light's friend. He’s currently at my apartment, and asked me to bring you two there.”

Mello nearly kissed this Mikami character. “Finally! I was getting worried he’d ditched us, let’s go!”

“Um, Mello?” Matt hissed warningly, grabbing his arm before he could follow Light’s friend. “We shouldn’t just run off with a stranger!”

Mello glared icicles back at his boyfriend, but Matt didn’t budge. Groaning, he yanked his arm out of the red head’s grasp. Was Matt seriously going to try and complicate things even more? This man knew who they were, and he obviously knew Light. Why else would he be loitering near his house? No, Mello didn’t have time to debate over whether this was the smartest course of action or not. He needed Light back, and this stranger was offering to take them to him! Was Matt dense!

“He’s Light friend, moron.” Mello narrowed his eyes. “Plus, if he was a kidnapper why would he abduct us in broad daylight? No, he knew who we were so that means that Light obviously sent for us.”

“He says he’s Light’s friend.” Matt rolled his eyes. “What if he just knows of him? What if he’s going to take us to some warehouse and then carve our skin off of our bones?”

Mello’s eyes widened with disgust. “That’s sick dude, you need to stop watching true crime cases at midnight.” He shuddered, dusting himself off. “We don’t have time to debate over this! Plus, I know self defense so if he tries anything…”

“If you don’t believe me, I could call him.” Mikami suddenly interjected, waving his phone in the air. But then he frowned as he looked at it, as if he suddenly remembered something. “Wait. Light did say that his phone had died. But if you don’t feel comfortable, I understand. I can always tell him you two couldn’t come…"

“No!” Mello interrupted sweetly. “No, Matty’s just a bit paranoid. We’ll go with you.”

“Cockbag.” Matt muttered, but Mello ignored him.

“If it makes you feel any better, I am a lawyer.” Mikami told them. “I promise. I catch bad guys, and I am certainly not one of them.”

Mello just nodded, he didn’t need anymore convincing. He needed to get in this man’s car, effective immediately. He started towards the silver vehicle, and heard Matt slowly stomp after him.

“And I do have video games at my place, Light told me you like those sorts of things..” Mikami trailed off, holding the back door open for Mello. He turned around and saw that Matt’s eyes had widened.

“Now you’re talking!” Mello nearly face palmed as he fist-pumped. “Let’s go find Light then!”

He slid into the leather backseats and shifted as Matt came to sit behind him. The door closed shut and Mello swallowed any misgivings he had left. No, he was being taken to Light. he knew this. Who would be stupid enough to kidnap him right outside of the chief of police’s house? Plus, he had his phone with him. He had L on speed dial. If anything went wrong, L would find him and kick this man’s ass. 

Mikami turned back to give them one more friendly grin, as he started his car. Mello sighed as he felt himself moving, and leaned back with his arms behind his head. He watched as the neighborhood faded behind him and sighed contentedly. It wasn’t over until the fat lady sung, and Mello only heard silence. He plan was going to work, finally. He would finally prove that he was better than Near and become first in line to take L’s throne. He closed his eyes as the cool air conditioner hit his forehead. This man’s car even smelled expensive. It wasn’t some dirty white van, and surely a lawyer wouldn’t be stupid enough to commit a crime. 

He hadn’t of even offered them candy! Mello cracked open one of his eyes, and caught Mikami’s gaze in the rearview mirror.

“Can we stop and get some chocolate on the way?”

L scratched his head awkwardly as he found himself once again standing outside of the Yagami house. He exhaled noisy through his nose and resisted the urge to run away screaming. He had never though that he would set foot in Japan again. But thanks to his lovely successors, here he was. About to come face to face with the brunette who had filled his life with joy and hatred. He shifted from foot to foot, glaring at the door bell.

He had just gotten off of his private jet. It could’ve been worse, at least he didn’t have to suffer through security and having to sit net to noisy passengers. But, still. It hadn’t of been his dream to get on a flight at the crack of dawn. He had sat in the cabin for twelve hours and silently imagined all of the creative ways he was going to punish Matt, Mello, and Near. His muscles ached and he actually felt exhausted for once in his life. he had decided that he was going to take a tropical vacation after this, lest he have a heart attack from stress. Now wouldn’t that be ironic?

Swallowing a lump in his throat, he finally rang the doorbell. He prepared himself to feel anger and misery, and massaged his aching head. He probably looked like he was mentally unstable, but he didn’t care. He could almost feel how deep his eye bags were, and he thought his eyes might simply droop out of his head. He scratched at his neck awkwardly, looking down at the welcome mat. He certainly didn’t feel welcome. He hoped one of the boys would answer the door, instead of Light. he didn’t feel like getting yelled at after the day he had had. 

The door opened, and L felt his heart drop into his shoes. It was Sachiko Yagami, and she looked as if she had just seen satan himself. L resisted the urge to bang his fists against his head. Of course Light’s mother, who thought he was Hitler’s long lost son, would answer the door. And yes, she had actually called him that the last time she had saw him. When he was leaving the rooftop of Light’s hospital, soaked and heartbroken. 

“What on earth are you doing here?”

L sighed, he hadn’t of expected a hug but he was not in the mood to have any more arguments. “I’m here for the boys. Mello, Matt, and Near. I was told they were here?”

“And how do you know them?” Sachiko spat, her eyes narrowing into tiny slits. She looked like Light when he was angry, and L could definitely see the relation. “They’re waiting for their cousin, I don’t think they want to be interrogated by some ‘detective’.”

L wanted to arrest this woman, he really did. He didn’t have any charges against her, but he could probably plant evidence. Drug possession maybe? He hated how she was looking at him as if he was a vampire who had come to ask for a cup of sugar. This should all be a fairly easy and painful process, all he needed to do was get the boys onto his plane and fly back to England. Why was everything always so difficult?

“I’m their cousin. Or rather, their caretaker.” L told her, gritting his teeth. “Ask Light, he’ll tell you.”

“Light isn’t here.” She sniffed, but she did hold the door open wider for him.

“Good.” L muttered stiffly, walking into the house. The air felt frigid and poisonous.

“I’ll get Near for you, and see if he corroborates your story.” Sachiko told him, hastily making her way up the stairs. To herself, she began to whisper quietly. “Letting someone like that around kids….unbelievable…what has this Godforsaken world come to?"

*And fuck you too.* L didn’t say that. He just looked around the home sourly, thinking that he recognized it from his surveillance. Oh, what a simple time that had been. The smell of something sweet wafted through the house, and was tempted to ask for a bite. But whatever Mrs. Yagami would offer him would probably have poison injected in it, so he decided to keep his mouth shut. A soft, lilting symphony filled the air and L impatiently wrung his hands together. He wanted to be sitting back in his bed by tomorrow, dammit!

Then, he saw a shock of white appear on the stairs and soon Near’s face came into view. His eyes widened when he saw L and the detective frowned. Where was Mell and Matt? He hoped they weren’t getting into anymore trouble.

“Near, is this the man who was supposed to pick you up?” Sachiko asked in a tight tone, making L bristle. Fortunately, Near nodded and L suddenly felt vindicated. 

“Where are Matt and Mello?”

Near shifted uncomfortably, and suddenly found the floor to be of great interest. “They ummm…went to find Light at the library.”

“They what?” L felt his eyes widen and suddenly his heads throbbed as if he had just been struck with a mallet. He closed his eyes and exhaled loudly, images running through his mind. Mello wasn’t going to let this go, was he? L cursed his stubborn successor, and hoped he hadn’t of been intercepted along the way. Now he had to make another stop? Why was this happening to him? Was this more karma for what he had done to Light all of these years ago?

“Right, let’s go.” He sighed. “Mrs. Yagami, could you tell me where the library is?”

She sighed loudly, which L found to be quite petty. “On the corner of block sixty-two. It’s near the supermarket and a clothing store called Ginza. I’d recommend taking the train there."

L just nodded, and wrenched open the door. The warm breeze that hit him nearly made him take a step back, and he sighed. All he wanted right now was a pillow and a warm mattress. He did not want to go on a wild goose chase, and would probably forbid chocolate and video games from entering Wammy’s house for a year.

“Bai bai Near, you take care of yourself okay?” Mrs. Yagami chirped, pulling the small boy into a hug. L rolled his eyes as Near tentatively patted her arm.

“I hope you never think about ruining any of those kid’s lives.” Sachiko muttered scornfully as Near walked ahead of him. L shot her a tight smile.

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Then, he slammed the door. A little harder than necessary. 

Light sighed, sitting back into the library’s stiff computer chair and running his fingers through his hair. After about an hour of research, he had learned everything about the LABB murder case that he could find. Which, wasn’t much. Many of the details had been redacted or kept secret, and even the deepest searches didn’t uncover many facts.

What he knew was that there had been three victims. And they had all been horribly mutilated. The one that had disgusted him the most, however, had been a thirteen year of girl named Quarter Queen. Americans had such strange names. He had crushed out her eyes, and reading that fact had made Light sick to his stomach. She had been a small child, and her life had come to such a disturbing halt. How evil would one have to be to commit an act like that? Murder was horrible in general, but to attack a child? How could L have been with someone…like that? How badly had this ‘B’ warped his mind? And just what exactly had he done to L? Light suspected he would never truly get answers for these questions, but that didn’t stop him from spiraling.

The only thing that bothered him was that he wasn’t able to find a mugshot. All criminals had mugshots, and he wanted to see what B looked like. Because, for some reason, that letter had been nagging at him since he had first heard it. Why did he feel like he had heard that name before? 

Even going onto countless reddit threads had pulled up nothing. No full name, no picture, no date of birth or really anything at all was available on the internet. The only things he knew for sure was that this B was associated with L and he had committed heinous crimes. Oh, and he was half-shinigami and was able to be let out of hell. But other than those mundane facts, Light had nothing.

“Ryuk?” He whispered quietly, so as not to alert anyone that he was talking to himself. He had heard the demon quietly chuckling behind him for the last hour, so he knew that Ryuk was close by. “What does B look like?”

“Kinda like your lover…sorry, I mean ex lover.” Ryuk chortled as Light gave him the middle finger under the table. “But since he has the shinigami eyes, his orbs are red.”

Surprisingly, that was the least disturbing fact about B that he had heard. But, he looked like L? What did that even mean? Light tried to picture what L would look like, if he was a blood-thirsty monster with red eyes. The image was hazy inside of his mind, but he froze as a creeping feeling of deja vu settled upon him. He searched his mind but came up flat. It was like the memory was dangled just out of his eyesight, just out of his face. Everything felt disjointed and fake and…

“You’re remembering, aren’t ya?” Ryuk grumbled, noticing his dazed expression. The shinigami stuck his head through the computer screen and nervously looked Light up and down. His red eyes were filled with guilt. He phased through Light, laughing nervously. “Okay, I’ll admit that letting B run rampant through your dreams was a nasty thing to do. BUT, it was really funny and served my purposes at the time-“

Light held up his hand, shock coursing through his body like ice cold water. “You WHAT?” He whispered hotly, his heart beating frantically inside of his rib cage. They were faint memories, but he remembered the dreams of an evil L torturing him. But…that had been real? That had somehow been B’s soul? He felt his insides shrivel up and his mouth was suddenly as dry as a desert. He remembered the man burning, his eyes scratched right out of his head…

And Ryuk had allowed this? Yuk had done this to him? He had let that beast into Light’s mind? How was that even possible…Light would’ve scoffed at the idea if he hadn’t of had a reaper of death haunting him. Letting evil souls play inside of someone’s head must just be another perk to being a demon, huh? Light felt his jaw involuntarily clench and he sunk back into his chair, sliding down as he suddenly felt as if he had just run a thousand miles.

“You’re awful.” He shook his head, a sour taste entering his mouth. “That’s just sick, Ryuk. It’s sick and depraved.”

“Hey, I didn’t know you like I do now.” Ryuk weakly tried to defend himself, making Light want to laugh and cry. 

“So you saw L torturing me and thought it would be fun to add to that?” Light quietly demanded, clenching his shaking hands into fists. “You will not be getting any apples for a very long time, Ryuk. If you were a physical being, I’d strangle you right now. You infuriating, stupid, evil-“

“Hey, hey. There’s no need for name calling!” Ryuk gasped, and Light felt a taloned hand delicately gasping his shoulder. “And threatening my apples? Now that’s evil-“

“Ryuk, get away from me before I burn your little notebook.” Light hissed, furiously shaking the shinigami’s hand off of him. He probably looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care. His entire body felt cold and he cupped his face inside of his hands. “Just get out of here!”

He heard the flapping of wings behind him, and he groaned loudly, resisting the urge to shake the computer in front of him. He had actually met this person? Light really didn’t want to believe that. Dreams were part of the imagination, or at least they should’ve been. They shouldn’t be allowed to be real, that was horrifying. Light felt violated and his stomach clenched. Was it even safe to sleep now? Would he always have to worry about B’s ACTUAL soul reappearing? Light sighed, this wasn’t right. He shouldn’t allow himself to believe in such nonsense. But he knew it wasn’t nonsense, and that was the problem. 

Every horrifying thing that had ever happened in his life had somehow been caused by god’s of death, and Light wished that he could send a complaint to the ruler of these creatures. He would burn the notebook and wipe his hands of Ryuk, but that bastard would probably just write his name down if he lost his entertainment. And Light didn’t want to die, not yet anyway. 

His head throbbed as he continued to rest his face inside of his arms. He probably looked like a student having a stress-induced meltdown from exams, but he could care less. He now had to deal with the fact that an actual murderer had been inside of his subconscious. How would one even process something like that? Light’s logical brain was a mess, he felt as if his brain was somehow shrinking. It was twisting and turning inside of his skull, trying to grasp onto some explanation that would make this whole mess make sense. But there was nothing. Light had been told the facts, and now he had to live with this knowledge. 

The Bible had been right, the gift of infinite wisdom was a fat joke. Light wished the curtain about that particular truth had stayed closed. 

He didn’t know how long he had been sulkily staring down at his shoes, but started when a hand jostled his shoulder. It was too warm and fleshy to be Ryuk’s, so Light figured the librarian had come over to make sure that he wasn’t dead. And he wasn’t, outwardly anyway. He almost felt as if his soul had been sucked away from him, though. But sitting slumped over on a desk wasn’t the image he wanted for himself, so he straightened himself out and turned to politely smile at whoever had disrupted his seething.

But his smile was wiped clean off of his face as he saw L standing behind him. He locked eyes with the raven, and couldn’t fight the scowl that tugged at his lips. Now what? Near was standing behind L, and gave Light a sheepish wave. Light thought about calling Ryuk back here to kill him, but that was just overdramatic. 

“Can I help you?” Light sighed tiredly, rubbing his eyes. A foreign emotion swirled inside of his soul, but he decided to ignore it. 

“Where are Mello and Matt? I was told they came to find you.” L stated, bringing his thumb to his lip.

Light frowned, he had to be kidding. “They’re at the house. I’ve been here alone all day.” He told the raven, looking around in case he spotted a blonde and a red head. He did not, and he felt dread slide through his veins.

“Really?” Near piped up, his eyes wide. “That’s not good. They left to find you about an hour ago…”

Light leapt out of his chair, adrenaline filling him to the brim. No, no that was absurd. 

*Don’t tell me they’re lost?* He thought bitterly. Great, as if his day couldn’t get more bothersome. Those two couldn’t stay out of trouble for five minutes! How hard was it to sit inside of his house and wait for L to come and claim them? But, he knew the answer to that. Mello just wouldn’t take no for an answer, would he? Light bit his cheek as he saw L frown, and rub frantically at his head.

“So they’re lost.” L scowled, looking around the mostly empty library. “This isn’t good, they could be anywhere!”

“There’s a ball pit for kids here. Maybe they stopped there.” Light suggested weakly, starting to walk in that direction. His legs felt shaky and he tried to swallow his panic. 

“If they aren’t here, they could be anywhere!” L exclaimed from behind him.

*Thanks for pointing out the obvious.* Light thought to himself, pushing open the doors. L hadn’t lost his amazing deductive skills. “Let’s not loose ourselves, they could be-“

The ball pit was deserted. It was silent inside of the normally loud room, and Light could’ve heard a pin drop. There was no sign of life in sight, and he nervously turned around to look at L. He swallowed thickly as he saw panic fill the detective’s black orbs. 

“They aren’t here!” L hissed frantically, turning back around to wrench open the door. Light quickly followed him, cursing under his breath.

“Calm down! I’ll ask the receptionist if she’s seen them.” Light told him, quickly walking ahead to the entrance of the building. His foot steps echoed loudly and he looked around at the mostly empty room. An elderly woman with hair almost as white as Near’s sat at the front desk, with her glasses almost hanging off of her nose. She was wearing a very obnoxious forest green plaid sweater, and Light wrinkled his nose. He knew this was a dire situation, but he didn’t trust those who had a horrible taste in fashion. How hard would it have been to get a smart plain creme sweater? 

Whatever, Light just hoped that this lady would have some insight for them. He didn’t really feel like running all over Japan to look for L’s successors. 

“Excuse me?” He asked the lady. She didn’t look up, which irked him. Could she not feel the urgency rolling off of him? And people were always meant to look at him. She clearly didn’t have her wits about her, and all of the days spent watching passerby’s come in and out of the library must’ve fried her brain. “Have you seen two boys come through here? One’s a blonde and one has red hair?”

“No one’s come through here today besides you three and a group of girls.” The lady answered, looking up for a brief second to study them. She shrugged, turning back to her book. “There was an older gentlemen, but he just comes here to replace the National Geographic magazines with pictures of the rainforest burning.”

“Okayyy.” Light frowned, turning away. This woman was obviously going to be no help at all, and Light did not waste his time dealing with stupid people. 

“They aren’t here.” He sighed moodily, shaking his head. “Can’t you just call them?”

“You don’t think I’ve tried that?” L snapped. “Both of them just keep sending me to voicemail!”

“Don’t snap at me!” Light hissed, sending L his meanest glare. “This isn’t my fault!”

“And when did I say it was?”

“Please, I know what your thinking.”

“You don’t know what I’m thinking at all.”

“ReallY? Because, from the way you’re glaring at me-“

“I’m not glaring! I’m upset, and I need to find them before-“

“Can you guys stop and think!” Near finally yelled, making both men jump. They turned to look at the small albino, who had crossed his arms and was shaking his head disdainfully at them. “Maybe they went into that supermarket. You know how Mello’s obsessed with his chocolate, they probably wanted a snack.”

Light frowned, he did not like being chastised by someone younger than him. But, Near didn’t give them time to argue and quickly made his way out of the library. Exchanging a sour glare with L, they turned to follow him. 

“I should just call my dad.” Light muttered, pulling out his cell phone. His stomach was tied into knots and he swallowed frantically. He hoped that Near was right, that they were somewhere nearby. But, if they weren’t….Light knew all to well what could happen to two young boys roaming the city alone. He didn’t want to find them dead in a ditch somewhere. No matter how much they annoyed him, he prayed that nothing bad had happened to him. He’d never forgive himself if….

*No, don’t think like that!*

“We are not getting the police involved.” L told him stiffly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“And why the hell not?” Light demanded. If Mello and Matt were actually in danger, they’d have to send out enough officers for a manhunt-

“Because, no one can know of their existence.” L whispered, looking around slowly. “They’re training to become the next L. And if everyone sees their faces broadcast all over Japan, that anonymity they need to survive will be gone. It’s bad enough that you and your mother know about them.”

Light tried to force himself to keep his temper. He didn’t care about who the next L would be, and it was insulting that L didn’t think their identities were safe with him. Had he ever exposed L? Okay maybe he threatened it, but he had already deleted the video!

“L if they’ve somehow been kidnapped, we’ll need to get the authorities involved. They could be in danger!"

“I’m L. I can find them all on my own.”

Light did roll his eyes at this. “Careful, I can hardly see anything over your big head.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Light. Should I pretend that I’m not the world’s greatest detective? If anyone can find them, it’s me. It’s not like the Japanese police provided any help during the Kira case anyway.”

“Can you two be quiet and actually start looking around?” Near muttered as they walked into the supermarket. A gust of cool air hit Light’s forehead, and he heard L sigh heavily beside him. “You fight like an old married couple."

“We do not!” Light sniffed. He didn’t want to think about being married to L. What a nightmare that would be! If they ever made a decision as horrible as marriage, they’d get divorced before their honeymoon. He and L fought like they hated each other, and that was it. He narrowed his eyes at Near, how dare a child try and rebuke him?

“They aren’t here.” L griped. “Near, you try calling them to see if they’ll pick up.”

“We haven’t look through the whole store yet.” Light pointed out. They were only in the produce section, after all. And he had a feeling that neither Mello and Matt were health nuts. 

Suddenly, a muffled ring cut through his thoughts. Light frowned, who would be calling him now? Probably-

“Don’t you want to get that?” L muttered as they walked into another isle. “Dammit! This is where all the sweets are, and I don’t see them anywhere!”

“Probably Kiyomi calling to yell at me.” Light muttered, letting the ringing stop on it’s own. “I’ll call her later. And L, put down the pocky! We’re searching, not shopping.”

“I was just looking at it.” L defended, staring at the box forlornly. He slowly put the little red box back on the shelf, and Light swore he could see L’s eyes glistening. “Why is Kiyomi-san angry with you?”

“Because your successors told her I was a cheating bastard.” Light scowled, quickly walking into another isle. This was the baking isle, but there was still no sign of two teenage boys. And they were already half way through the store!

“Oh, well I’m sorry about that.” L told him, though he didn’t sound contrite in the slightest.

“It’s fine.” Light huffed, peaking his head into the snack isle which was only occupied by a teenage girl. She pushed her glasses up her nose and studied the chip bag, probably trying to decide if the calories were worth it or not. “I’ll just tell her a friend of mine sent her that text as a joke. She’ll buy that, or at least she’ll let herself believe it.”

“Technically, you are a bit of an adulterer.” L unhelpfully commented, brushing past him to go into a baby isle. Huh? What on earth would they being doing there? 

“Yeah, one time in the span of our whole relationship.” Light scowled. “And that wasn’t technically cheating.”

“How? Do you two have a rule that if it’s hate sex then it doesn’t count?”

Light ran his clammy fingers through his hair, and resisted the urge to slap L upside the head. “Does acting like a dick just come naturally to you? And anyway, I knew you first..” Light liked L more than he liked Kiyomi, and they had….a bond? He had slept with L out of frustration, which was not the usual reason that someone would cheat. He didn’t even understand how he felt about L, so how could Kiyomi scorn him for that? Light hadn’t of meant to sleep with L anyway. It had just happened. It was an accident, and one that would never happen again. And it was an event that didn’t affect his girlfriend in the slightest, so why the hell would he tell her about it? She’d never understand. 

“So what? I have dibs?” L let out a sardonic laugh. “I didn’t realize you were a piece of land that I had staked my claim on.”

Light did groan out loud at that little comment, and his forehead throbbed painfully. “I’m not a piece of land L, that’s very demeaning.”

“Well, I was just saying-“

“Mello told me about B.” Light suddenly blurted out. What? Why in the ever-loving fuck had he let that slip? He was going to have to find a stapler for his loose lips. L looked at him as if Light had just shot him, and Light started casually scanning the freezer section. He had wanted to talk to L about that, but the aisle of a supermarket probably wasn’t the best place to reminisce about L’s abusive ex. What was he thinking? Reek’s loud mouth must be rubbing off on him, and that wasn’t good. Next year at college, Light might have to start taking a course about manners!

“What did you say?” L whispered, making Light’s heart clench. He sounded so unlike himself that it made Light want to hide. He sounded fearful and afraid, and his usual tone of apathy had been discarded.

“Forget it.” Light sighed. “I shouldn’t have said anything, sorry.”

“What exactly did Mello tell you?” L demanded, and Light felt a hand clamp around his arm.

“Nothing much.” Light tried to placate the other man, still choosing to let his eyes roam over the frozen mochi. Strawberry? S’mores? That sounded positively disgusting. “He…um, was trying to explain why you are the way you are. He was trying to be helpful-“

“Mello is anything but helpful.” L hissed, and his grip tightened. “Light, I command you to tell me what exactly you heard!”

Light swallowed thickly, and felt his heartbeat rise into his throat. “L, please let go of me.” He muttered, gently shaking his arm. “I don’t like it when you act like this.”

Air reentered his lungs as L suddenly released him, and he resisted the urge to rub his arm. “I’m sorry.” L sighed. “I just want to know what you’ve been told. Mello shouldn’t have betrayed my privacy like that.”

Light was getting a chill, and he decided that it was time to make his way out of the frozen aisle. “He didn’t have much to tell me.” Light answered honestly, still not able to look at the man beside him. “He saw some things when he was growing up and…he told me what B was like, as a person.”

L made a disdainful noise, and Light could imagine his coal black eyes narrowing in disgust. “Mello doesn’t know the half of it. B wasn’t the kind of person that you wanted to know. He was a poison that tainted my life.”

Light’s breath caught inside of his throat. “Did he hurt you?”

“You already know the answer to that, and I don’t feel like recalling all of the horrible experiences I had with him. Mello is such a disrespectful little brat, and he’s going to get it once I find him.”

“Don’t get mad at him, L.” Light frowned. “It’s not like you would’ve ever told me.”

“There’s a good reason for that.” L shot back testily. “You don’t need to know about B, he’s dead and doesn’t affect your life in the slightest.”

Light felt his legs freeze and he stopped abruptly. They were in the middle of some greeting card isle, but Light didn’t care in that moment. He blinked slowly, looking over at L incredulously. L wore a very sour look on his face, which only served to further infuriate the brunette. “Doesn’t he?” Light grit his teeth, nearly swallowing his tongue. “I’m just trying to understand you L. He’s the reason you hurt me, right? He’s the one that made you….like this?”

L’s eyes hardened and his mouth set into a firm line. “Light, what’s the point of this? Yes, B made me into what I am. Yes, B abused me until I turned into the abuser. Yes B hurt me and yes it’s quite the sob story. Does that do something for you? Don’t tell me you’re going to forgive me and let everything go. That’s not you, you don’t know how to forgive.”

L couldn’t of hurt him more if he’d of come up and slapped him. Light felt winded, and took a step back. He involuntarily clenched his hands into fists. “I know how to forgive.” He whispered, cursing at how his voice broke.

L just gave him a blank stare. “Yeah, it doesn’t look like it from where I’m standing.”

“I deleted that video, you know.” Light’s voice rose, and he shook his bangs out of his eyes. He knew it, he knew that L now hated him. But feeling L’s wrath and hearing his harsh words broke something inside of Light, and he couldn’t help the sadness that welled up inside of him. “Don’t you think I want to forgive you?”

L opened his mouth to respond, but more harsh ringing cut him off.

“Son of a bitch.” Light scowled, furiously digging around in his pocket. Out of all the times that someone could’ve interrupted him and L, this was undoubtedly the worse time. *Here’s a helpful hint, if I don’t answer the first time you call me it’s probably because I don’t want to talk to you.* Light thought bitterly, grasping the cold plastic object between his hands and ripping it out of his pocket. 

Light’s eyes narrowed as he read Mikami’s name flashing across his screen. That bastard had called him twice, and seemed bound and determined to get an answer. Light hadn’t of spoken to him for a week, and he had wanted to keep it that way. Mikami was on his last nerve, and Light had decided that no amount of money was worth having to suffer through Miami’s company. 

Sighing louder than was necessary, he decided to save himself some annoyance and just answer the man. He was going to tell him to piss off, and never contact him again. 

“I can’t talk right now, I’m busy.” Light hissed, turning away from L. Mikami laughed softly on the other end, making his blood boil even hotter. 

“Too busy to save your friends?” Mikami chortled. “I think you’ll want to hear what I have to say.”

“What are you babbling about now?” Light groaned. “I’m not interested in whatever you have to say…and what friends? Dammit Mikami, I told you not to contact Kiyomi!” Dread ran through him, as he imagined all the awful things the lawyer was currently relaying to his girlfriend. Light was going to have a mess and a half to deal with, and he decided that from now on he would never deal with half-wits again. He had had more headaches in the last week then he had had in his entire life!

“No, no not Kiyomi.” Mikami said slyly, and Light could imagine the other’s shit-eating grin. “Come on Light, you’re telling me the smartest student in all of Japan can’t guess who I have with me?”

“I’m not interested in playing games.” Light stated flatly, bringing a hand up to his face. “I’m hanging up now.”

“Wait!” Mikami called as Light was pulling the receiver away from his ear. “Don’t you want to know where those two boys are?”

“….What do you mean?” Light whispered, feeling his heartbeat begin to slow. It seemed like it had stopped all together, and cold poison suddenly filled his veins. No, Mikami wasn’t talking about Matt and Mello. Right? How would he even know about them? Mikami might be crazy, but surely he wouldn’t go as far as to kidnap children, right?

No, what was he thinking! Mikami ate children for breakfast, of course he’d kidnap L’s successors. He prayed that he ha misheard the man, that Mikami was just simply speaking nonsense…

“Now I have your attention, don’t I? Those two boys I saw coming out of your house…I think their names are Mello and Matt? Heh, odd names. But I was watching your house, and I was just going to take those videos from you with force. But then I see two boys coming out of your house and thought...this must be my lucky day! You care for them, yes?“

“You’re lying.” Light spat, and he could feel his clenched hands shaking around the phone. “Mikami, tell me you didn’t touch them!”

“Ha! Not yet. No, right now we’re having a lovely chat inside of my apartment.” Mikami relayed, and Light felt his eyes widen. “They think that they're waiting for you. We’re friends, at least that’s what I told them.”

“Mikami, stop fucking with me.” Light shook his head, he brain seemed to have frozen inside of his skull. The only thing he felt was fear, it was a burning fear that was eating away at his nerves. “If you’re trying to scare me, it worked. Okay?”

“Oh no, I haven’t even begun to scare you.” Mikami hissed wickedly. “I’m tired of being blackmailed by you, Light. So, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to bring those videos of you and I over. Then, you can have your little friends back. Does that sound like a deal?”

Light hearts seized and he almost doubled over. He gripped the phone so hard that for a moment he was afraid it would break, and he swallowed thickly. He didn’t have any videos! That had all been a bluff, he had gotten rid of those damned flashdrives a few years ago when Misa had accidentally found one. Luckily, Light had stopped her before she had had the chance to plug it in and watch the contents. But, he had decided that it was simply too much of a risk and he had trashed them.

“I don’t have any videos.” He told the man quietly. “That was a lie, I swear it.”

“Ha! I knew you’d try to weasel your way out of this one.” Mikami sighed. “Your tricks won’t work on me this time. No, for that lie I think I’m going to take one of them into my bedroom. Think of it as extra incentive to bring those videos.”

If Light had been frozen before, now his body was alive with energy and he quickly shot out of the aisle. He could hear L calling for him, but he sounded as if he was underwater. His eyes burned and Light couldn’t think of anything else but the panic that was inside of him. “I’ll call the police.” He threatened. “I know where you live Mikami, you will not touch those boys! Do you hear me?”

“Ooooh the police! Gee, am I scared.” Mikami scoffed. “You won’t get the authorities involved, I know you. Now, which one should I choose? Oh, this is like christmas!”

“I’ll kill you.” Light hissed, and he heard frantic footsteps from behind him. “You’ve made your point, I-I’ll pay you back if that’s what you're after! But you can’t do this Mikami. I swear on my life that those videos don’t exist!”

“Like I’d take your word for it.” Mikami told him mockingly. “You have about thirty minutes to bring them, or else I’ll have both! You know where to find me. And if you even think about calling the police…you may not get them back alive.”

Light’s heart fell as the line suddenly fell dead. Static noise crackled inside of his ear and he almost felt as if he was running now. His stomach was twisted into knots and he felt as if he was about to loose his lunch. “Mikami? Mikami? Hello?”

“Light? What the hell happened in there?” He could hear L’s voice behind him, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. “Light, wait! Dammit, where are go going?”

“I know where they are.” Light choked out. “We need to get them L, now!”

“Where are they? Light you have to tell me something?” L begged. 

Light stopped, and held his head in his hands. He knew the next words were going to make L hate him. But, he wasn’t exactly fond of himself at the moment either.

How could he of let this happen? He shouldn’t of left them alone, he shouldn’t of given Mikami a chance to get to them! Guilt swirled inside of his stomach like a fearsome winter storm, and he leaned against a wall. The world seemed as if it was spinning around him, and he couldn’t ground himself. If something happened to those boys because of him….

Light would never forgive himself. He felt sick thinking about what Mikami had promised. He had grossly underestimated how dangerous the man was, which was something Light had never done. No, if he touched them than it would be all Light’s fault. They would be traumatized forever, and he felt wetness pool inside of his eyes. Even if he ran there, it would be too late. Ito might already be too late! He didn’t have the videos, and he knew Mikami wasn’t going to hand them over without a fight. The air seemed to grow sparse, and for a moment he felt as if it was crushing him.

But, no. There was one thing he could do.

I would change everything, but there was no other way.

Hew couldn’t call for help, and there was no way he could get there fast enough to stop Mikami.

He had to stop Mikami, and there was only one way to do that.

The thing that had terrorized him for years, the thing that he had swore to never touch.

The thing that L had nearly destroyed him over.

But thoughts ran rampant through his mind. His brain was in shambles, and there was no other plan that Light could think of. He couldn’t stall, he couldn’t think. He had to act, and he had to act now. Consequences be damned.

He had to let himself turn into a murderer.

“They’re at Mikami’s.” Light whispered, lifting his head to look at L. The detective’s face had gone white and he stared at Light in horror. “He’s…threatening them, L. We need to get over there now!”

“No.” L shook his head. “No, this can’t be happening.”

“We need to act L.” Light grasped his shoulders and shook the man, staring into the raven’s wide eyes. “You hail a taxi. I….I’ll try calling him again.”

“What is he doing with them?” L whispered dangerously. Light shook his head, resisting the urge to scream.

“There’s no time for talk! L, get the taxi now!” Light ordered, stepping into a nearby alleyway. He could hear L’s frantic cursing from just around the corner, but he closed his eyes. And he turned the dial on his watch, three times. His silver watch, that he always wore on his left wrist. The Omega Speedmaster Mark II Red&Orange Dial watch. The watch that his father had given him as a high school graduation present. The one that had a secret compartment. The one that held a tiny piece of paper, the piece of paper that he had swore he would only use if he was in a life or death situation. This was one of those situations. 

As he stared down a the small white square, his stomach clenched in on it’s self. This was it. 

He was becoming Kira, the thing he had never wanted to become.

He though he heard his heart crack. He thought he felt his mind defeat, and for a moment he felt like laughing. It was so horribly unfunny. This was the most horrific irony the universe had ever dished out. But if he opened his mouth, would he cackle with insanity or burst into sobs?

He was sacrificing his innocence, he was sacrificing his soul. The world seemed as if it was crashing down onto him, and he could only hear a dull buzzing sound over the frantic beating of his own heart. He throat closed up as with shaking fingers he picked up a small needle. 

If Light had been himself, he would’ve called Mikami back and lied. He would have told him ghat he did have the videos, and he was coming over to deliver them. He should have bargained, and said that if Mikami wanted the videos he wouldn’t touch the boys. He should’ve done what he did best, lie. He should’ve used another bluff, another mask. He should’ve talked his way out of this, he should have tried anything else.

But he was running out of time, and he heard his watch tick slowly. The sound scraped at his soul, and he swallowed thickly. He couldn’t think about anything but the current situation. He couldn’t discard his terror, the fear that had him in it’s iron grasp. He couldn’t think about anything else except that it was his fault, and he had to be the one to fix it. 

He would be a criminal. He would be a decrepit murderer. There would be no denying the situation. L would know and L would send him to jail. Or, likely kill him. Light would be sacrificing his life. L would be vindicated in his suspicion, and know that he had been right all along. Light was a bad, bad man. Light was a manipulative sociopath, one that deserved his wrath. He was a horrible human being, and he had allowed himself to kill. He was using the Death Note, and it would warp him forever. He would loose himself, and L, forever.

But there was no other choice. He wouldn’t allow his mistakes to ruin someone else’s life. And a child’s life, at that. If he hadn’t of gotten involved with Mikami and tried to play god with the man’s life, Matt and Mello would be fine.

So sucking in a harsh breath, he pricked his finger and watched as the blood trickled onto the needle. It was the last of his purity seeping out of him. He was biting the apple, he was letting temptation take him into it’s arms.

He wrote out the first kanji, and heard Ryuk cackling maniacally. 

“I knew you had it in you!"


	24. Just A Name, That’s All It Takes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath. Dun, dun, dunnnnn(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> So, thoughts? I'm sorry that I actually made Light kill Mikami, but also not because Mikami was almost more evil than Beyond in this story. Oh, well. We won't miss him.
> 
> And L and Light finally talk! Well, what is considered 'talking' for them. This may seem sudden, but all is not forgiven yet. Light hasn't fully processed his feelings yet, and neither has L. There are a few more chapters left until everything is said and done. Those chapters might be shorter than previous ones, but I hope in four chapters all will be well. Well, as well as they can be.
> 
> I'm anxious to read your thoughts! What do you think? Is there a happy ending in the future? What else is left to say? I cannot wait to read all of your lovely comments!

One time, Light had had a nightmare. It had been about three months after L had left, and he had woken up in a cold sweat. He had dreamed that it had all been a lie, that he truly had been Kira. He had been in a helicopter with L, on his way to capture who he had thought was the real Kira. Then, L had grasped the black notebook inside of his white claws. He had stared at it in fascination, a looming horror creeping upon him. He had wanted to touch it. He had needed to touch it, to feel it between his fingers. He didn’t know why, he just had to. 

And when he had snatched the note book away, he had been struck with the truth. It had filled his veins with ice. The world had stopped spinning around him, and he had sat in horror as memories had filled back into his head. Missing pieces of the puzzle had been connected, and he saw himself as Kira. He saw himself writing names, and laughing. He had saw himself and Misa, and he saw himself and L. He had been a god. He had felt himself being eaten from the inside out. He had screamed as he watched his innocent facade die. He had felt his soul crumble and fall away, only to be replaced with Kira. The evilness had claimed him, and he was damned. He had written down L’s name, and as he saw the man tumbling out of his chair, he had woken up. And he had realized he was crying. But, it had all been a dream. That horror hadn’t of been real, he hadn’t of possessed such a wickedness. 

Until now. Now he knew that evilness lurked inside of him. This was reality, a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. 

Nothing was real, to him at least. Life around him was fake, and he was simply a character inside of someone else’s story. He was numb, hollow as a chocolate easter bunny. He walked slowly up to Mikami’s apartment, while L and Near had raced on ahead. They were worried that Mello and Matt had been hurt. But, he knew they hadn’t of been. No, he knew that they had just watched a man die. A man he had killed. He knew Mikami was nothing more than a corpse, who’s soul had already been banished to hell. Mikami couldn’t hurt anyone, anymore. He was nothing. And Light had killed him as if he was a fly. 

His limbs felt heavy and the beating of his heart no longer phased him. Sweat dripped from his pores and for a few moments he had thought he was dying, before he remembered himself. But, maybe this guilt would kill him. This horrible, mind-numbing guilt. The guilt that was consuming him, that was bleeding him dry. 

For the first time in his life, he didn’t know who he was.

Who am I?

After everything, had he been driven to insanity? He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think. He was a barren man.

“Open up!” L shouted, banging his fists against the door. Light slumped against the wall. 

*All will be revealed soon.* He wanted to say to L. *Are you ready to see what I’ve done?*

“Mello? Matt? Say something?” Near called, his voice shaking. Ryuk couldn’t stop laughing.

“L?” A muffled voice called through the door, and suddenly it was swung open. Mello stood on the other side, and his face was as white as a sheet. His eyes were wide with terror, and Light felt his heart clench with pity. *This is all my fault. I’m so, so sorry.*

“Mello!” L wasted no time in grabbing the small boy into his arms and hugging him tightly, as if he was afraid that Mello was a ghost who would disappear at any moment. Mello looked worse than Light had ever seen him. The fiery blonde appeared frail and small, and he gripped onto L tightly. Light could see small tears run down his cheeks, and noticed the Mello was shaking like a mere leaf caught in the breeze.

“Are-are you okay?” L stammered his voice breaking. “Where’s Matt?”

“He’s on the couch.” Mello choked out between sobs. “Oh my God, L-“

“Where is he?” L’s voice suddenly turned as sharp as King Arthur’s sword, and he straightened up. He took Mello by the hand, pulling the small boy behind him. “Where’s Mikami?”

“He’s dead.” A voice, Matt’s, came from inside. “He just…fell over.”

The door was pushed open, and Matt was revealed. He was sitting on Mikami’s horrid green couch, and had his knees pulled up to his chest. His face was streaked with wetness and he looked….traumatized. Light tasted bile. He stepped back as if he had been kicked when he saw legs. Mikami must’ve been on his way….to the bedroom. If Light had been a few seconds late-

“Dead?” L whispered, slowly walking inside. Light didn’t move, he couldn’t breathe. He felt as if an invisible hand had just clamped around his throat, and he could only stare in horror at what had once been Mikami. He almost wanted the legs to twitch, so that he could be reassured that he wasn’t a murderer. But Mikami was as still as death. He was sleeping, and would never wake up. Not even with true love’s kiss.

“What happened?” L stopped in the middle of the living room. “Did…?”

“I-I don’t know.” Matt sobbed. “H-he…”

“He tried to take Matt.” Mello whispered. “He grabbed him by the arm and started dragging him off to his bedroom. I-I tried to stop him, I did L! I just kept hitting, and hitting, and hitting….b-but he was too strong.”

“Did he hurt you?”

All heads turned towards Light as he uttered these words. He grabbed onto the door frame, and looked at the boys pleadingly. He had to know. He had to know that everything hadn’t of been in vain. 

Mello slowly shook his head, and didn’t resist when Near tentatively grabbed his hand. “I-I hit him on the back of the head, and he just slumped over! I-I didn’t think I had hit him that hard…and I didn’t mean to-“ The blonde suddenly slumped over onto the floor, and fisted his hair tightly. “I didn’t want to kill him L, please believe me!” He cried. “I just wanted to stop him!"

“Mello-“ L soothed, crouching down to take the small boy into his arms. He smoothed his hand over his hair, and began to rock the horrified blonde in his arms. “It’s okay, you did nothing wrong. It was self-defense…you didn’t have a choice! You protected yourself and Matt.”

“But L, I’m a murderer.” Mello mumbled mournfully into his shoulder. “I should’ve never gone with him, I know that. It was so dumb….but he said we were waiting for Light! I-I thought….he had been so nice until-“

“He tricked you.” L growled. “This is not your fault, do not blame yourself Mello.”

“Mello, you can’t blame yourself!” Matt repeated hoarsely, coming to hug the boy from behind. “You saved me.”

“No.” Mello shook his head. “No, I killed-“

“You didn’t.” Light spoke, shoving his trembling hands into his pockets. He cast one more look at Mikami, before turning away to stare at the empty hallway. “You didn’t kill him, Mello.” At least he could save the blonde from his wretched guilt. He could spare Mello, but not himself.

“W-what do you mean?” The blonde croaked out, but Light was already walking away. He didn’t know where he was going, and he didn’t care. He needed to leave. The stench of death was overpowering, and it was dragging him under. He was drowning, and there was no life-support in sight. The floor felt like quicksand beneath his feet, and he was sinking. 

“Aw Light-o, don’t look so glum!” Ryuk called behind him, as he pushed open the door to the stairs that would take him to the roof. Maybe he could jump. Maybe he could fall, and forget everything. He gripped the railing tightly and made his ascent upwards. When would he be able to wake up?

“Shut up Ryuk.” He growled hoarsely, almost feeling as if the stairs beneath him would crumble at any second.

“Hey, hey I think what you did was super cool.” Ryuk flapped ahead of him, grinning wildly. The grin made Light fell nauseous. He felt as if he had a stone lodged inside of his stomach. His muscles clenched and he ached all over. How could he have done this? This wasn’t him. He wasn’t a murderer, he was Light!

“And it was super entertaining, at any rate.” Ryuk continued, as Light pushed open the rooftop door. The harsh air suddenly hit him, making him feel enfeebled. It swirled around him, and he teetered on his feet unsteadily. The sun was setting, yet again. As it always did. The sun would leave the earth, leaving it barren and cold and lifeless. The darkness would take over, and everyone would turn on their man-made light to try and fight off the uncertainty of nothingness that the night brought. Everyone would lay scared for tweleve hours of darkness. But, it wasn’t forever. The sun would return, and everything would be bright once again.

At least, that was what everyone believed.

But what if one day, the sun didn’t come back? What if the dark less lasted forever, and the bleakness stayed for eternity? What if nothing was ever okay again, and what if the morning sun never came to brighten the earth? Life was so uncertain, and no one knew anything for sure. Safety was an illusion, one that our scared souls had to find comfort in. In order to survive. But, it didn’t mean anything. Sunsets were just giving away to darkness, with no promise of return.

He stumbled over to a ledge, everything seemed to be coated in a dream-like mist. His head felt light and spun with each step he took. Emptiness filled him to the brim as he gripped onto the concrete ledge and stared up at the bright magenta sky. Orange was slashed over the sun, and purple clouds that would bring the darkness were rolling in. The sun was a dying star, that was taking all of it’s light with it. The hazy yellow ball painted the sky mournfully, as it said goodbye. The magenta clouds darkened, almost appeared red and apocalyptic. Everything felt like death. He couldn’t escape it. 

“Come on Light, say something!” Ryuk demanded, his harsh voice seemed to tear his bones apart. He felt himself disintegrating, turning into ash.

“I have nothing to say.”

“You must feel something.” Ryuk insisted, because of course he knew what Light was feeling. He could see through him, after all. He could see every loathsome thought and every nasty burden hidden inside of his soul. 

“I feel like a murderer.” Light spat lowly, hearing the sound of traffic underneath him. Paper people inside of a paper town, where everything was painted to be just so. It used to amuse him, but now the thought felt like grey ashes inside of his mind. 

“Well-“

“Yeah, I know.” Light sighed, leaning against his elbows. “You don’t get it. Your whole purpose is to kill.”

“But, at least you saved those kids.” Ryuk muttered, trying to placate him. “Technically, you’re a hero.”

“I don’t feel like a hero.” Light snapped, digging his nails into his palms. He hoped the left tiny crescent moon marks. “I fucking killed someone, Ryuk. Do you understand what that means for me?”

Ryuk stayed silent. Light could hear the flapping of wings and leaned his head into his arms. He shifted, and for a moment he thought he had lost his balance. His stomach dropped and he felt air fill him. But he didn’t fall, he would never fall.

“How could I do that?” He whispered. “What…happened to me? I-I feel evil...”

“Light-o, since I can read your intentions I know for a fact you’re not evil.” Ryuk chuckled, and Light felt a wetness slide down his cheek. It dripped into his mouth and he tasted salt. He tasted fear. He gnashed his teeth together and clamped his eyes shut, the tears overflowing. 

“Go away Ryuk.” He whispered. “I can’t take it, I’ll be dead soon anyway.”

“No!” Ryuk yelped. “Please tell me you aren’t about to high dive!”

“L’s gonna convict me. I know he will, I just committed a crime.”

“Well, I hope not. That’d blow.” Ryuk grumbled. “No, now things are finally getting exciting! Plus, I can see your lifespan and you still have quite some time left, so I don’t think that means-“

“Do you have sand in your ears?” Light hissed, burrowing his head further into the comfort of his own arms. “Go away!”

“Sheesh.” Ryuk spat, and Light could hear the shinigami’s voice growing fainter. “You’re always in such a bad mood these days…..”

He peaked his head up and rested his chin on his arms. His face felt sticky and his neck protested from the awkward angle it was forced into, but Light just closed his eyes. He wanted to drown everything out. He wanted to forget. He needed to forget. How could he overcome this? How could he go back to being Light Yagami? How could he go back to Kiyomi and his droll little life? How could he be whole again?

He felt as if he was eighteen again. He felt exactly how he did in that cursed car, after his father had put the gun away and started to drive him back to L’s tower. He felt broken, he felt weak. There was no control to be had, and he was lost. He was stuck in the mist, and he couldn’t find his way back to safety. Dread had nestled itself into his bones and made a home for itself. It was all nothingness, it was all nothingness.

He was goner. He wasn’t the Light that charmed everyone and smiled casually. He was a stranger living inside of his skin. He heaved, due to a delayed reaction, but nothing came up. His throat felt as if it had been mangled. 

Wy couldn’t of there been some other way? Why did everything always have to end so dreadfully? Where was his peace? His solace? Why had this happened to him? How had it gotten this bad? He had left battle and he had never even seen war. It was all inside of his mind, eating him alive. The wailing inside of him wouldn’t cease, it dragged him down the dark tunnel further. He felt as if spiders had crawled into his chest, the fuzziness made him restless. What could he do?

“Light?” And there it was. The murderer and the savior. The man who made him weep and the man who had taught him how to love. The man he wanted to scream at, and the man he wanted to cry to. L, who was somehow responsible for all of this, had come to find him. To kill him even further, to take his heart and eat it alive.

“Are you okay?”

Light laughed, though it sounded like a sob in his ears. A lifeless, hopeless sob. “Just ask me.”

“Ask you what?” L tried to play dumb, but Light could hear the way the man’s voice rose a pitch. He knew.

“You know.”

“Light-“

“I killed him.”

“Stop.” L ordered, but his voice was unsteady. It was as if he was talking to a wild animal, one who was scared and refused to be tamed.

“I wrote his name down. You know I did.” Light hung his head and half-laughed, half-sobbed again. He could see the tiny ants that were people walking below him. He could see traffic lights, and they blurred in his teary eyes. “You were right about me. I’m a murderer.”

“Light-“ L tried, and then sighed. Light heard movement beside him and tensed up. He could feel L’s presence, it burned him. “You didn’t have a choice.”

“People always have the choice not to kill.”

“Not when it’s in self-defense!” L nearly shouted, but cleared his throat. “You saved them.”

“Don’t say that.” Light spat, standing up and gripping his locks. He paced around the rooftop for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up and saw the faint outline of the white moon. “They wouldn’t have been in this mess if not for me. You know that, right?”

He turned around and saw that L was staring at him sadly. He was staring at him as if Light had already died, and his black eyes swam with anguish. It pierced Light’s soul like a thousand tiny knives. “You know he kidnapped them to get back at me, right?” He continued, shooting L a rueful smile. “Because I took it too far. I could’ve stopped, but I didn’t and he almost hurt your children. The ones you entrusted me to take care of. You know what he was going to do, right? He was going to-“

“No.” L interrupted, shaking his head. “This isn’t your fault, Light. They never should’ve been here.”

“But they were, because of me.” The words tasted sour inside of his mouth. “I could’ve ruined them, L.”

“YOU didn’t do anything.” L argued, running his hand though his wild raven locks. 

“Didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I…” Light trailed off, staring at the darkening ground sadly. “I don’t know who I am.”

“You’re Light.” L responded, as if this was a fact he knew to be true. Light heard his footsteps growing closer. “You’re Light Yagami, the most brilliant mind in all of the world, next to mine. You’re Light, the most perfect man I have ever met. You’re my Light, not a murderer. Okay? I don’t blame you for this. No one would, you did it to protect them. There was no way to stop him, we would’ve been to late-“

“That’s what I keep telling myself.” Light whispered, hollowly. “But, it doesn’t make a difference.”

“Don’t feel guilty.” L whispered, and Light looked up to see that the raven was standing in front of him. He could almost count the pores on L’s skin, if it was light enough. His eyes seemed to look inside of his soul, those damn black eyes that seemed to suck him in. L tentatively reached out a hand to cup Light’s chin, and Light didn’t push him away. The two stood there, understanding each other. “Please.”

“I’m a murderer.” Light repeated, not able to break L’s gaze. “Aren’t you going to finally arrest your Kira?”

“You aren’t Kira.” L closed his eyes and shook his head, breathing out harshly. “If it was me, I would’ve killed him. If he had still been alive by the time we found him, I would’ve strangled him with my bare hands.”

Light felt his throat tighten as he gazed upon L. The setting sun illuminated him, making him look as if he was some kind of greek god. “Stop it, L.” He laughed hoarsely. “That’s not making me feel any better.”

L sent him a soft smile and pulled him into a hug. “I don’t hate you for this.” He murmured into Light’s neck. “I’ll never hurt you again, I swear it. You’re okay Light. It’s okay.”

Light tensed as the other’s arms wrapped around him, but he relaxed suddenly. He leaned into L’s chest and sighed mournfully, soaking up the other’s warmness. He was tired, just so tired. It felt as if the weight of the world had just been dropped onto him and he clutched L’s back tightly. His presence seemed to soothe something inside of him. He quieted all of the noises. “I want to believe that.”

“I’ll prove it to you.” L whispered, his hot breath hitting Light’s exposed skin. “Don’t leave again, please. It’ll all be okay.”

And suddenly, Light felt himself shaking. But not from the warm breeze that surrounded him. L’s arms tightened and he buried his head into the other’s shoulder. L knew. L knew and he understood him. And he was here. Light wanted to believe in his sincerity. It was good enough for now, anyway. He allowed himself this, because he needed it. Needed him. Nothing had ever felt more right as he closed his eyes, and watched blotches of light dance in his vision. 

The soft beating of L’s heart lulled him, it soothed him. It seemed as if their hearts were once again connected.

“Tell me I’m not a murderer.” He mumbled. “I need to know that.”

“You are not a murderer, Light. You protected them, you did what you had to do.” L sighed, running his finger’s through Light’s hair. “Mikami wasn’t a good man.”

“He wasn’t.” Light shook his head, limply. He willed these words to be the truth. He KNEW Mikami wasn’t a good man, and he was just going to continue to hurt innocent children. He was a malicious pervert who didn’t care about the innocence he stole. He was a black hole of nothingness, which couldn’t be stopped. Had Light really done a disservice to the world? Or had he saved future victims? “He hurt so many children…”

“Did he hurt you?” L asked quietly, and Light felt that familiar poison fill him again. All of the feelings of rottenness that had been embedded inside of him for so long rushed through his veins as he remembered. And as he remembered, he could feel his fingers digging into L’s skin. As if that would somehow protect him. As if L could somehow let him forget everything.

Light let out a noncommittal sigh. He would never admit it, he couldn’t. He would never let those words pass through his mouth. The evidence could stare him right in the face and he would still deny it. Because as soon as he confirmed L's suspicions, it became real. There would be no taking anything back, and it would be out in the world forever. 

“I couldn’t let them go through that.” Light said instead, suddenly feeling cold all over. “They’re just kids….no matter how much they annoy me, I couldn’t let something like that happen.”

He felt L nod against his head. “I know. This isn’t your fault Light, you protected them.”

“What else was I supposed to do?” Light laughed hoarsely, suddenly ripping himself away from L’s arms. He wasn’t a hero, he was barely a savior. This had been his fault, his mistake. Mikami had done this because of him. He paced around the empty rooftop, periodically looking up at the half gone sun. He could still somehow feel L’s heartbeat. “If I hadn’t of been extorting him….” He shook his head, and felt a single tear drip out of his eye. “You were right. I shouldn’t have been blackmailing him. It was stupid. So, so-“

“Light, don’t loose your mind over this.” L spoke, and Light could here the tone of desperation hidden in his voice. “You couldn’t have known he would kidnap Matt and Mello. Hell, just two days ago you didn’t even know they existed! This was a horrible accident. And it’s Mikami’s sin, not yours.”

“I had it under control.” Light whispered, looking down at his hands. He flexed them and for a moment he saw blood. Red, hot, sticky blood that covered his palms. He was a murderer. But he blinked, and his hands were once again clean. “I don’t know what happened.”

“It was a horrible accident.” L repeated. “No one knows about the Death Note, this will look like a regular heart attack. I’ll have Matt erase the security tapes and no will will ever know.”

“I’ll know.” Light sucked in a harsh breath, his chest felt tight. 

A heavy silence fell over the pair as Light looked out over the city. The twinkling lights made him feel ill, and he heard nothing. Just horrible silence, and for a moment he feared L had left him. 

“It’s not the same, but I know how you feel.” L’s voice suddenly carried across the rooftop in a faint whisper, a whisper so faint that Light could barely hear it. Maybe the words weren’t meant for him. Maybe they were meant to fill the silence. “I’ve been responsible for death.”

Light laughed, despite himself. “I know that. But sending criminals off for lethal injection and actually being the one who pulls the trigger is a little different, L.”

“No.” L sighed loudly. “I don’t care about them. Maybe some consider that to be murder, but that’s my job. No, no…” He mumbled, and Light could feel L behind him. The man pleaded a cold hand on his shoulder and leaned in, Light could feel his nose pressed against the top of his ear. “Do you remember what I told you? Three years ago?”

“You said a lot of things three years ago. I couldn’t possibly remember everything that’s ever come out of your mouth.” He remembers a lot, but has no idea what L’s referring to.

“I told you words could be just as deadly as a knife. To break someone’s spirit, that was on par with murder. That might be the most deadly quality one could possess.”

“What are you getting at?”

“……B.” L murmurs into his ear, only loud enough for Light to hear. He’s the only person meant to know this, and his muscles tense. “He hurt me, in the same way that I’m sure you’ve been hurt. I wanted to make him pay, I needed to make him pay. It was the only thing I lived for, at one point in my adolescence. And when I got the chance, I didn’t hesitate."

“L.” Light breathes out, he isn’t sure he wants to hear this. He doesn’t want to hear about the darkest parts of L’s soul, he already knows too much.

But L must need to tell him this. He wants Light to know, and Light loves receiving answers. This morbid knowledge might kill him, but it’d be a lovely way to go. 

“The last time I saw him, it was like I was an entirely different person.” L suddenly sounds wise, but weak. He’s seen too much. “He was broken by the time I got to him, and I knew that. That’s what made it all the more fun. He needed me, and I could have saved him. But I didn’t. I watched him die, Light. I let all of these poisonous words seep from my mouth, words that I could never forget even if I was suddenly struck with amnesia. I’ll always remember the way he screamed.” L sounded giddy, delighted. This was his reckoning, and Light does understand it. “He bashed his head out, that very same night. And I’ll tell you the truth, I felt nothing but pride. For the first time in my life, I felt contentment and I never looked back.”

“What do you suppose that makes me?"

“It would make you L.” Light breathes out, his voice sounding a million miles away. L rests his chin on his shoulder, and the sudden contact jolts him. L is the way he is because he may be the only man more broken inside than Light is. L kills, before he can be killed. L wants closure, happiness. And for him, that only comes from hurt. And once, he thought Light was that hurt.

Light doesn’t know exactly what he’s feeling. It’s a multitude of colorful emotions. 

“Yes, it would.” L agrees softly. “You understand?”

“I understand you're nothing more than me.”

“Don’t say that.” L scoffs. “I’m worse.”

“You….might have created me.”

“Would you do it to me, then?” L’s voice is full of wonder, and a slight fright. “Would you wait until I was driven loonier than a cuckoo clock, and then come back to finish the job?”

“I wouldn’t be able to survive without you, L.” Light sighs, and regrets the words immediately. But like Ryuk, L must have the all-seeing eyes as well. At least, when it comes to him. Light has never been able to hide from L. Not fully, anyway. 

“Ha, what are we doing Light?” L asks sadly, and his shoulder suddenly grips onto Light’s shoulder passionately. Light hopes that maybe it will bruise. “How has it all led to this? I guess…that’s a quite loaded question.”

“It is.”

Light has come out of the other side of the storm, but he is still soaking wet. If he was to turn back, would it really make that much of a difference? Would he survive a second round?

“This could be so simple.” Light mused, suddenly. “If we weren’t who we are.”

“But then we wouldn’t know how to love.”

“Or how to hate.”

“Or that.”

“How would I ever know if you were lying L?” Light suddenly demands, and his voice is meaner than he meant it to be. He turns around and leans against the ledge, knowing he won’t loose his balance because he is once again in control. Of most things. Because, yes he was in control of Mikami’s life. He was in control of who wrote the name, and he hadn't of done anything physical. It was a rescue mission, that's what he had to say. It will never be traced back to him, and L won’t persecute him. It’s all over and it can be fine. Except for the now. How strange is it? That he could learn to live with a murder but not with the man who he thinks is his soulmate?

“I don’t know.” L answers, taking Light’s hand into his. His grip is warm though his hands are cold, and Light squeezes back. It reminds him of when he loved L and L hated him. The tables are almost reversed now, but he’ll never know if he fully hates L or fully loves him. He's heard that the line between love and hate is thin, but this is ridiculous. Will he ever believe that L doesn’t hate him? What does L know about love?

“I can tell you I’m being honest now, but I don’t know how to show that.”

Light shrugs, his blood is returning back to it’s normal temperature. The wailing and Ryuk’s cackling is gone. It’s just another day, with a new secret to live with. Light is very good at secrets. If he looks into L’s eyes for long enough, he’ll forget it all. He'll forget that he himself exists. The air is cool, and he hears a car honk. The sounds of the city have never sounded so sweet. Light is better than this, he is a prodigy. He is Light Yagami, and he can do anything he wants.

Well, anything other than break the chain that ties him to L. It’s still there, even after all of this time.

“Does this matter as much as we think it does?” Light doesn’t know why he’s just asked this, or what it even means. The thought had just popped into his mind, and it had demanded to be heard aloud. He follows his brain’s orders. His brain also orders him to once again fall into L’s arms. He doesn’t know if he’ll follow this command, though. 

“Stay with me tonight, I’ll get a hotel.”

“I thought you were leaving?” Light quirks an eyebrow. Apparently England isn’t going anywhere.

L shakes his head. “I can’t leave after this.”

This was it. This was the last opportunity Light had to make a decision. He somehow knew that. He had walked to a fork in the road, and he could either take the sunny path with flowers or the one that was dark and stormy and harbored banshees. But, could he really fight it? Did he really not know how to forgive? Light was just so tired, he was tired of being unsure. He was tired of living out his life, pretending as if nothing affected him. He was tired of being around the same people, day in and day out. He was tired of feeling alone. 

And as L wraps a hand around Light’s head, tentatively at first, he slowly pulls him in. At least, it feels slow. It’s like the air around them is frozen. Nothing exists, it’s just him and L. As it should be. They are the only two souls that have ever meant anything.

Lips meet lips, softly, and Light knows what he wants. He’s known it for a long time, but he’s tired of the games. He presses his mouth to L’s, gripping his shirt tighter to pull him in. The fabric is soft between his fingers, and L’s mouth is warm. His lips feel like silk beneath his, and they hungrily consume him. He can feel that familiar heat enter his belly, but this is nothing like last time. This is something entirely different. It’s an opportunity. And Light takes opportunities and molds them into success. 

The chaste sounds of kissing fill the empty air, and Light feels the soft breeze from L’s nose ghost over his skin. L’s mouth opens and he tilts his head, letting Light’s tongue scrap his bottom teeth. Light feels as if he could melt, and he feels as if the last three years are nothing. They never happened. Him and L are always in sync. L is here, and Light is here, and for now that’s enough.

Light’s mouth aches from the intensity and his head spins as L’s finger gently clutch onto his hair. He never wants L to let go. For a moment, he can indulge himself. The storm has lifted and the sun is back. It shines on them, illuminating them. His heart beats louder and some of the fragile pieces of his heart slowly mend back together. He isn’t thinking, he only knows. He can only feel L, and he can only feel his love. And, what he hopes to be sincerity. 

“They’re kissing!” A harsh whisper suddenly snaps Light out of his daze, and he pulls back hastily. He stares at L with wide eyes, but the man has already turned around. Even though his face is turned away from the brunette, he can imagine L’s scowl. But he’s too high on cloud nine to care about anything else besides the way his fingers are still wrapped around L’s shirt. This might be something. 

Mello, Matt, and Near are standing by the door. Matt is holding onto Mello’s hand, and both boys smile at them despite their tear stained faces. Near remains impassive, but even Light can see how his eyes are glowing. Mello sniffs loudly and fists pumps into the air. Grinning wildly, despite everything that’s happened.

“Finally, you guys are back together! Now, who’s the most awesome successor on earth?”

And Light allows his lips to curve up into a grin. He feels euphoric.


	25. Just Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another song title chapter! This one is inspired by The Pretty Reckless song 'Just Tonight'. The lyrics....God they are bitter sweet. And they kind of do represent L and Light's feelings, in a very sad way.
> 
> 'Just tonight, I will stay'
> 
> So, a kind of happy chapter? But of course at the end it's...not necessarily sad, just realistic and melancholy. They are still processing their feelings. And, as Light said, they won't just 'ride off into the sunset'. There's always a tomorrow.
> 
> But, I hope you all like this chapter! I eagerly await your thoughts and comments...:))
> 
> P.S. Sorry for the vanilla slander! It's odd, because that's actually my favorite flavor XD

“So, you guys are totally back together, right? C'mon….don’t deny it!”

Light groaned for the umpteenth time as the five some made their way downtown. He and L deliberately were not holding hands, and had avoided looking at each other ever since they had left the rooftop. The boys had apparently forgotten Mikami’s corpse, because now his and L’s hearts were more interesting. While Near had been quiet for the most part, even he had tugged on L’s arm and asked if Light was coming back to England. And THAT was certainly not happening. Light was very patriotic, and didn’t want to live under some queen anyway. England sounded dreary and miserable, and Light would have to leave behind his family.

And, besides, he hadn’t of even fully processed his own feelings yet! He could not make any decisions, not after the day he had just had. His mind still felt foggy and he knew he was walking like a zombie. His hands were still cold and sweaty, and his heart hadn’t of stopped flip-flopping. 

“Mello, for the tenth time can you be quiet?” L sighed. “I want to enjoy the sounds of the city.”

“You hate the city.” Matt pointed out.

“And, you guys were just kissing.” Mello cheekily added. “What does that mean?”

“It means we were kissing.” Light stated flatly, walking by a ramen restaurant. He looked in the window longingly, as a man pulled noodles up to his lips. He could almost smell the warm broth, and he shivered. The last thing he had had was a bag of chips at the library. He felt as if he had a tapeworm in his stomach, and it was eating him alive. He had to get food for the worm, as soon as possible!

“But why?” Mello prodded again, elbowing Light. Light disdainfully looked down at the younger, who’s blue eyes were sparkling. “Give us something! We’ve just had a very traumatizing experience…”

“Which you seem to have recovered beautifully from, oddly enough.” L pointed out. “Light, is there a bakery around here? A sweet shop? Anything?”

“Sweets? It’s dinner time, L.” Light scoffed, though he wasn’t surprised. How was L not as big as an elephant? How had he not developed diabetes? L was a medical mystery, and it was only by miracle that his insides weren’t rotting. Light wanted chicken. “Can’t we get some real food?”

“Mm.” L made a noise of discontentment. “Don’t torture me, Light. And what about carrot cake? That has real food in it. Carrots are vegetables.”

Light coughed into his hand to hide his smile. “And when have you ever eaten carrot cake?”

“I could if I wanted to.” L defended. “Okay, what about strawberry shortcake? That has strawberries in it.”

“The sugar cancels it out.” Light told him, weaving past a mother pushing a stroller. God, he hated it when people would walk slow. *Like hello, some of us have places to be.* It was very rude, and a waste of time, and Light wasn’t in the mood for a casual stroll. He needed to fill the empty black hole inside of his stomach.

“Is there a Mcdonalds around here?” Matt asked.

Light made a face, imagining the greasy burgers and fake chicken that the restaurant served. Had L and his successors ever eaten anything healthy? How were they not dead? “That’s not real food either.”

“Okay Mr. Nutritionist, where do you want to eat?” Mello snapped. 

Light shrugged. “I don’t know, there was a ramen restaurant back there…”

“We aren’t going back.” L interrupted. “My feet hurt. This is the most I’ve ever moved in one day.”

Light sighed. “It’s only a few steps away…”

“I don’t eat noodles. Or soup.” L didn’t elaborate. 

“I want to try sushi.” Near suddenly announced, and the four turned back to look at him. Near sounded quite authoritative, which evidently must have surprised them all. He twirled a piece of hair in his fingers and pointed to across the street. “There’s a restaurant that sells sushi.”

“No way!” Matt groaned. “Then I’ll have to eat with chopsticks again!”

“Do you think they sell chocolate there?” Mello questioned, making Light want to run headfirst into traffic. He had forgotten about how much children annoyed them, he had been too busy trying to save them from molestation. Why couldn’t anything be simple?

“I see a sign for boba tea in the window.” L mused. “All right, I’ll bite. But if they don’t have a good desert menu, we’re finding a cafe!”

“No fair.” Matt grumbled, and Mello slung an arm over his shoulder.

“Cheer up Matty, I’ll just feed you your food!”

“I won’t sit with you two if you do something embarrassing like that.” Light grumbled, looking both ways across the street. The cars were coming in a steady line, and didn’t look like they would be stopping anytime soon. It was six thirty at night, why were so many people out and about? Why didn’t more people take the train? This was causing mass pollution, and a headache for Light. He just wanted to eat!

“Aw, what’s wrong? Jealous?” L smirked, gently punching Light’s arm. “I’ll feed you your food, if you want.”

Light couldn’t help the scowl that crossed over his face, even though he knew L was joking. “I’m not helpless, I can eat food by myself thank you very much.”

“You don’t want to be fed like a king?” L snickered, but his eyes suddenly grew as big as dinner plates. Light followed his gaze, and saw that Mello and Matt had merrily began to make their way across the street. And cars were still coming!

“Mello! Matt! Move!” L called as he and Light sprung forward to yank them back onto the sidewalk. Light closed his arm around Matt’s and pulled him backwards just as a car blew past them. It sounded it’s horn angrily, making Light scowl. Jesus Christ, how many more times was he going to have to save these children from death? This was simply inconvenient. How had L taught these children so little? Traffic safety was of the utmost importance, and Light was tired of playing hero. 

“Damn.” Mello whistled, as the car sped past them, swishing his blonde hair over his face. “We almost turned into pancakes!”

“Hold my hand.” L grumbled, latching onto Mello’s arm instead of his hand. “You too, Near. Light, hold on to Matt.”

Light muttered incoherently under his breath, but did as he was asked. Matt however, tried to wrench his hand from Light’s. “I’m not a baby!”

“I couldn’t tell.” Light muttered dryly, almost cheering as the traffic light turned red. The cars came to a halt, and Light remembered to look both way. He was an adult. He then weaved through the cars behind L, more or less dragging the child behind him. Matt was huffing, but Light paid no mind to him. Mello seemed to be trying to make a mad dash for the building, but L firmly held him in place.

“Hello!” A cheery worker sang as they pushed open the door. Who had that much energy at the end of the day? The bell tinkled loudly, and a rush of cool air hit him. Much too cool for a restaurant, but he’d let it slide. He wasn’t willing to complain, he had his stomach to think about. “How many of you will be dining with us tonight?”

“Five.” Light told her, leaning on the podium and smiling sweetly. “And…could we get a table in the back?” Yes, Light wanted a nice dining experience. And he knew how to get it.

The hostess' cheeks reddened, and she nodded furiously. “O-of course! Right this way, gentlemen.”

“Show off.” L muttered, as they fell in line and made their way through the restaurant. Light twisted his head to shoot L another charming grin.

“One of the perks of being me.” He shrugged carelessly, glancing around the restaurant. The light’s are dimmed, they are dimmed a tad too much. Light feels like he has to grip onto the girl’s hand so she can successfully lead the to their table. A few people sit at the tables beside them, making Light frown. This restaurant doesn’t look to be very populated, and he hopes that’s not a reflection on it’s food. There table is nice, though. It has a white table cloth and some black chopsticks with intricate designs. There’s a candle on the side of the table closest to the wall, and as Light sits he quickly blows it out. He doesn’t need one of the boys knocking it over. No, that’s a fire waiting to happen. 

The waiter gives him an odd look as he kills the flame, but quickly hands over their menu’s. The seat has a cushion on it, so at least his backside won’t suffer. 

“Your waiter will be over to take your order’s soon.” She told them, shooting an appreciative look over at Light. But he nodded his thanks, and flipped open the menu. There was a moment of hesitation, before her footsteps finally faded away. Good, he wasn’t on a mission to seduce anyone tonight. His good looks were a blessing and a curse. Mostly, a blessing.

“What’s this?” Matt gripped Light’s sleeve from across the table and tugged. Light looked up and saw his arm nudge the now empty glass candle container. Ha, called it. Matt held his menu up and pointed to one of the rolls. “I can’t read kanji.”

“It’s yellowtail avocado.” He replied, looking back at his own menu. Now he was reduced to being a translator?

“Matt, why would you come to Japan if you don’t know how to read it’s language?” L sighed tiredly from beside him, flipping through his own menu.

“I know how to speak it!” Matt defended.

“Barely.” Mello muttered. “But luckily, I know to to read kanji!” He bragged, and Light heard Near snort.

“Only because I taught you.”

“Near shut up!” Mello hissed. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!”

“Light, this desert menu is pathetic.” L suddenly complained, and Light looked over to see the frown embedded on the other’s face. He held the paper up and waved it around wildly. “This is a disgrace!”

Light just stared at L as if he had suddenly sprouted another head. Wasn’t this man twenty-seven? Why was he complaining like one of his successors? “They have mochi.” He told the man moodily, pointing to his own menu. “They also have pudding and fried bananas.”

“They have green tea mochi.” L corrected him moodily. “And, I’m not in the mood for any of those things.”

“You should eat dinner first.” Light admonished, wondering how he was the only rational person at this table. “You can’t just order desert.”

“I can order whatever I want…” L muttered under his breath. Light rolled his shoulders and closed his eyes, counting to ten.

“Do you want sushi?”

“I don’t know.”

Light felt a frown tugging at his own lips. “Well, they have curry.”

“Is it spicy?”

“…it’s curry.”

“I guess I’ll order grilled salmon.” L set his menu down with a loud thud. “At least that will make me look like a respectable adult. And fish can be sweet, if I order it with sweet and sour sauce.”

“Okay L.” Light muttered, trying to make up his own mind. There was a tempura chicken roll, which sounded quite interesting. And Light was craving meat of the feathered variety. At any sushi restaurant, he would always order a tuna avocado roll, so he supposed he’d have that as well. Shrimp rolls were always too chewy for his own tastes, and he didn’t want to look like a dog with peanut butter in it’s mouth. Should he order miso soup? As a nice pallet cleanser?

“No way, they have chocolate milk tea!” Mello exclaimed excitedly, snapping Light out of his own inner musings. “Sweet!”

“They have chicken nuggets here, awesome!” Matt cheered, and Light nearly bashed his head onto the table. Of course Matt would choose the only unhealthy thing on the menu. But, as long as he didn’t stuff rice into his mouth with his hands again, Light supposed he’d be fine with it. But-

“You should order something with vegetables in it.” He told the red head, who shook his head passionately. Light rolled his eyes. Well, he had tried.

“Vegetables are for children.” Mello pointed out snottily. “They make my hair look dull.”

“That’s not how that works, Mello.” Near explained patiently. “Vegetables actually-“

“I don’t need a health lesson, thank you very much.” Mello spat, and shook his fist in front of the smaller boy’s face. Light contemplated getting a separate table.

“You two behave!” L hissed. “We are in public-“

“Good evening!” An over excitable waiter suddenly appeared, looking as if he had just discovered buried treasure. Light sighed to himself, how many people in this restaurant had just downed adderall? He was all for pleasant energy, but when individuals acted as if they were bursting with excitement, he knew they were overcompensating for something. “How are we all doing tonight?”

“Hungry.” Mello stated flatly, and Light heard a muffled snicker.

The waiter’s expression fell a microscopic amount, before he recovered and nodded eagerly. “Well, what can I get for you all tonight?”

“Chicken nuggets.” Matt ordered. “And I want ketchup, and a fork. OH! And green tea, that shit is awesome!”

Light froze as L sighed beside him. “Matt, don’t curse.”

“Sorry, that stuff is awesome.” Matt corrected, and crossed his arms moodily. The waiter’s eyes darted nervously around the table, before he nodded and hastily wrote the order down.

“Hmmmm…I’ll have…” Mello hummed to himself, flipping through the menu. “No, no…maybe, no-“

“Do we need to come back to you, Mello?” L snapped, and Mello frantically shook his head.

“No! Erm…I'll have….what’s Tako? That sounds good.”

“It’s octopus.” Light told him, and watched Mello’s face contorted into disgust.

“Ew, never mind.” He muttered. “I’ll have a lobster roll then. I like lobster. Also, the Tokyo roll. But, don’t put any avocado or jalapeños on it. Oooohhh, and I’ll have the soba noodles. And-“

“I think that’s enough.” L interrupted, and Mello shot him a scowl.

“And chocolate milk tea.” He finished, leaning back into his chair. Light prayed that he wouldn’t fall over.

“Oh, I’m sorry. We’re actually out of chocolate sauce-“ The waiter started apologetically, and Light gulped. He could see the anger that sparked inside of Mello’s eyes, and the blonde hastily straightened himself out, banging his fists loudly on the table. Light wanted to crawl into the floor. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Mello shouted, and Light saw spit fly from his lips. “What the hell is the matter with this restaurant? You will find some damn chocolate sauce, if it’s the last thing you ever do! Otherwise, maybe I’ll just order a bubble tea made from your blood-“

“Mello!” L yelled, and Light flinched from beside him. L’s voice had taken on that dark, gravelly tone that Light had come to fear all of those years ago. It was the voice that commanded all of those around him to obey. It promised fury, and one should pray that they never encountered L’s fury. And even though it wasn’t directed at him, he still wrung his hands together under the table. “We are in public! Behave yourself, and order something else!”

Mello had shrunk back into his seat, and his blue eyes were wide and fearful. Matt and Near looked down at the table, trying to pretend they were somewhere else. “But, L-“ Mello started, tentatively, but L quickly silenced him.

“Don’t act like a brat Mello, I’m not in the mood.”

Mello huffed, and brought a thumb up to his mouth. Great, even the children had picked up on L’s habits? “I’ll just have the mango boba tea, I guess.” He muttered bitterly, not daring to look at L. 

The waiter nervously brought a hand to swipe at his brow, and Light could see that he bit his lip. He looked from the cowed blonde back to the seething raven, and nodded slowly. He looked as if he was afraid for his life. *Which,* Light mused, *he is probably right to feel that way.*

“O-of course.” He stuttered, quickly writing something down. His hands shook. “Sorry for the erm…inconvenience”

“I’ll just have a Banzi roll, and an avocado roll please.” Near spoke softly, nodding to the waiter. “And I’ll have some lemonade, thank you.”

Th waiter smiled in relief, probably glad that at least one member of their party had manners. He then turned his head to L, and nodded.

“I will have the grilled salmon, hold the vegetables, with extra sweet and sour sauce.” L stated in a bored tone, throwing his menu to the center of the table. “And one of your coca cola’s, with extra sugar packets if you wouldn’t mind.”

Light elbowed L from under the table, and shot him a discreet scowl. That was so embarrassing! Who asked for extra sugar with a soft drink? Could L really not curb his sugar addiction for five minutes? 

Apparently not, as L sent him an owlish stare. “What?” He asked, shrugging. “I need sugar.”

Light just sighed, and repeated his own order. Green tea, with a tuna avocado roll, a chicken tempura roll, and miso soup. The waiter nodded and quickly fucked off, probably to go and cry in the bathroom. 

“Do they have crayons in this establishment?” Matt complained, drumming his fingers on the table. “I’m bored.”

“Let’s play a game.” Mello suggested. “I spy, with my little eye-“

“I don’t like games like that.” Matt scowled. “I miss my DS.”

“Oh my God!’ A horribly familiar voice suddenly sounded behind him, and Light blanched. No, please no….Surely God wouldn’t be that cruel? “Light-kun, is that you?”

Light grit his teeth as Matsuda came into view, and sent him a tight smile. Matsuda was smiling brightly and waving at Light as if he was the king. Light hadn’t of seen Matsuda since the man had left him a fruit basket after the…erm, incident. Matsuda was friendly enough, but Light could only deal with so much enthusiasm before it became annoying. And no doubt, Matsuda would want to have a full conversation with him. Light found it hard to be cordial to those who were so intellectually below him. 

“Hello, Matsuda-san.” Light forced out, dipping his head.

“Oh no way, Ryuzaki?” The man gaped, and his eyes lit up as if it were christmas. But unlike him, L didn’t hide his annoyance and Light heard a soft groan fall from his lips. “You’re back in Japan?”

“For now, yes.” L muttered, and Light cursed himself when his heart clenched. What did that mean? And why did he care what it meant?

“It’s just like old times.” Matsuda sang, dragging a chair over to the table even though he hadn’t of been invited. “The gang’s back together!”

“Who’s this?” Mello suddenly chirped. “This isn’t Light’s other boyfriend, is it?”

Light’s stomach practically fell into his feet and he swore that he could actually feel steam coming out of his ears. What? His face heated up, and he sent Mello his meanest glare. He could feel L stiffen beside him, and he could only imagine what Matsudfa’s face looked like. Light thought that he might actually have to find some superglue for the blonde’s lips. This was humiliating. 

“Oh no!” Matsuda yelped, holding his hands up as if he was about to be shot. “No…no…just an old friend.”

“Mello.” L growled, and Light could feel the fury radiating off of the other. “Haven’t you ever heard the phrase ‘children should be seen, and not heard?’” Then, to make matters worse, Light felt L grab his hand from under the table. And Light couldn’t help his scowl. Really? L was acting ridiculous. This wasn’t some pissing contest, and no one could see that their hands were intertwined, anyway. He supposed that this was just another point towards L’s ego.

“I apologize, Matsuda-san.” Light sighed, because of course it was always left up to him to smooth the situation over. Curse him and his impeccable manners! “These are some children that Ryuzaki and I are….babysitting. They’re all bark, but no bite.”

“Babysitting? Why you little-“ Mello’s outrage was suddenly silenced solely by L’s icy glare, and he simply huffed and crossed his arms, turning his head to instead glare at the side of Matt’s head. 

“Oh! That’s…cool.” Matsuda trailed off, as if he didn’t know what to make of the situation. To be honest, Light didn’t either. He supposed it probably did sound odd that the greatest detective in the entire world would be roped into babysitting. “So, are you working on a case Ryuzaki? With Light-kun?”

“If I was, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.” L sighed. “And Light and I are just old friends catching up.”

Matt let out a muffled snort. Damn him. 

“I’m working on a case.” Matsuda announced proudly, though no one had asked. “It’s quite the pickle, we’re trying to catch this group of bank robbers-“

“Your drinks!” The waiter suddenly announced, popping up at the worst possible time. Like a cold sore. “Oh, did you guys have another-“

“No.” L interrupted, firmly. “No, just a friend who was saying hi.”

Matsuda visibly deflated at the implication that he wouldn’t be allowed to stay, but wisely didn’t comment. 

“This tea looks nasty!” Mello announced, after their drinks had been set down. “It’s all yellow.”

“Just like your hair.” Matt snickered, earning himself a punch on the arm.

“Don’t be spoiled.” Light sighed, lifting his own cup to his mouth. The tea was lukewarm, which made him frown. This wasn’t right, he had paid for hot tea! This was a grievous mistake, and that waiter was going to pay. How on earth was he expected to drink tea that was practically as cold as the arctic? Light was now no longer looking forward to his food.

“I forgot to order boba, I just realized.” L suddenly muttered from beside him. “I wanted honeydew boba, dammit. This is all wrong. Thanks for distracting me, Mello.” He took an obnoxious sip of his beverage, just to show how peeved he was.

Light sighed. “I’ll call the waiter back over.” He uttered moodily, waving his hand in the air. The man bustled over, eager to please. “We’ll actually take a honeydew boba as well, and could I please get some more tea that is warm?”

Th waiter’s face turned red, and he nodded his head furiously. Obviously embarrassed, as he should be. Light let out a breath of contentment as the man went off to correct his mistake. It felt good to be taken care of as if you were royalty. He had had his demands met, and the feeling was almost orgasmic. After the day he had had, it was well deserved. 

“Thank you Light.” L murmured, nudging him with his shoulder. Light smiled at the gratitude, and slightly leaned against L. Unfortunately, this action did not go unnoticed by Matsuda. Who, over the years, had somehow developed the eyes of a hawk.

“Oh!” He breathed out, his eyes widening in realization. “Are you two…?”

“Matsuda.” L interrupted, the annoyance reentering his tone with vengeance. “Whatever you are about to ask, I suggest keeping it to yourself.”

“Oh, I understand.” Matsuda nodded sagely, his eyes darting between the two men. “I mean, I’m straight but I’m not homophobic or anything! I-I think it’s awesome I just never imagined that Light of all people….oh no, does that sound offensive? I didn’t mean it that way, but you were dating Misa the last time I saw you…Oh, but I won’t tell the chief, don’t worry-“

Light cupped his chin in his hands, even though putting one’s elbows on the table was bad manners. “Don’t worry about it, Matsuda.” 

“So…this is a date?”

All five eyes turned to look at him incredulously, and thankfully the cop got the hint. He jumped up hastily, and bowed dramatically. “Well it was nice to see you again Light-kun, Ryuzaki..” He laughed nervously, backing away. “Oh, hey wait. How’s Sayu, Light?”

Light sighed deeply, and resisted the urge to massage his temples. Sayu and Matsuda? Perish the thought! He could not deal with them both at the same time, and he would die before ever letting Matsuda become his brother in law. Blood or not, he did not want Matsuda’s genes anywhere near his family tree. What a disgrace that would be! The kid would probably come out cursed, with three heads and a loud mouth. He did not like how the man clearly had eyes for his nineteen year old sister. Even though Matsuda had never said so explicitly, Light could tell. He could always tell.

“She’s still too young for you Matsuda.” Light reminded him, trying to sound teasing but it came out as a stiff rebuke. So, what? He was an overprotective brother. Mastoid’s cheeks reddened impossibly more so, and he nodded in understanding. 

“Of course we’d run into him.” L muttered sourly, downing the rest of his soft drink and moving onto his tea. Light gagged, he could almost smell the sugar rolling off of the other. 

“Who was that?” Matt gaped, jerking his thumb in the direction Matsuda had just appeared into.

“One of my ex coworkers.” L scoffed. “And this is why I work alone.”

As the food came and Matt greedily dug into his food, Light leaned back into his chair. *This is nice.* He decided, taking a bite of his sushi. Mello and Near were bickering about who’s sushi was better, and L looked positively annoyed, but nothing could ruin Light’s current happiness. He felt content, for the first time in a long time. He felt at home, even though half of the members at this table annoyed him and one infuriated him beyond belief. There was no place he’d rather be.

But that thought scared him. Because, what would he do when L left?

“How can you possibly want ice cream?” Light demanded, batting a firefly that was in front of his face. “We just ate!”

“But I did not have sufficient desert, Light-kun.” L sighed, wagging his finger in front of Light’s face. “And before you start in, no the pudding did not count! It was tapioca!”

“Yeah, tapioca pudding is the worst.” He chuckled. A memory suddenly came to him, of a nurse feeding him the vile substance while he was in the hospital. His arms had still been cuffed and he had been too weak to move them, anyway. He had been heartbroken, and allowed the lumpy substance to slide down his throat. He hadn’t of even realized a frown had tugged at his lips.

“Wow, you must really hate it.” L remarked, noticing his expression because of course he did. Light couldn’t get anything past L.

“No, just remembering that's basically all they fed me at the hospital.” Light laughed, before clamping his mouth shut. That was not a pleasant memory, and one that he shouldn’t of said out loud. It clouded the air around him, and his nerves felt on edge. As if they had been electrocuted.

“I’m sorry.” L said quietly, and Light saw that the man was staring at him mournfully. Light hated it.

“No, I shouldn’t have said anything.” He brushed the thought away. “I don’t want to ruin the mood.”

And he truly didn’t. They were walking downtown, and night had fallen upon the city. The air was cool, and smelled like summer. It was rich and warm, and smelled like home. There was hardly any traffic, and the small noises that emitted from the moving cars almost soothed him. People walked by them, laughing and talking, and for once Light wasn’t bothered by them. It felt like his childhood again. When his father would have a day off work, and his family would go into town. They would pick an outrageously expensive restaurant and splurge, and then walk around the city. His father would buy him and Sayu treats from the small stalls that lined the sidewalks. And sometimes they would stop and watch the street performers, and laugh about all of the outrageous things people would do for money.

Light sighed, looking up at the dark sky. It was clear, and he spotted a few stars twinkling above him. There was a full moon, and it shined upon him like a spotlight. He wasn’t about to let this calmness leave him, and he grabbed L’s hand. he didn’t know why he did it, and he knew people wold stare. But, for once, he was willing to discard that part of himself. He didn’t want to wear any masks, not tonight. And L’s hand was a welcome presence, and thankfully he didn’t pull away. Light looked over and saw that L was staring at him questionably, but he just smiled. And L returned that look, with affection shining in his eyes. It truly was a perfect night.

“Yeah, I want chocolate ice cream!” Mello mumbled from in front of them, throwing his arms up. “I’ve been deprived for way too long! Stupid restaurant..”

“At least there’s a place near the hotel.” L told him. “I don’t think I could travel any farther than that.”

Light silently agreed. He was glad L had invited him to spend the night, and he was glad he hadn’t of rejected the offer. His mother would think he had gone home to Kiyomi, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. he hadn’t of texted her since Mello did. And he was very tempted to leave it that way, anyway. It wasn’t like she had reached out to him, which was disgraceful. Even though he had been cheating, he was a prize that one should not so easily give up. And L knew that.

“Do you think they have green tea ice cream?” Matt suddenly turned around, his eyes wide. “Because, damn…”

“So, you’re obsessed with green tea now?” Light teased, and the back of Matt’s head nodded enthusiastically.

“I don’t know how I survived without it!” He proclaimed. “You’re lucky, you got to grow up with that stuff!”

“Just wait until you try matcha.” Light told him, swaying his head slightly. Even though he was sober, he felt high. High on life. Gah, what was he turning into? He had to find a cure effective immediately. 

“What’s that?” Matt spun around, walking backwards.

“Careful, you’ll trip.” L warned him.

“It’s green tea, but the leaves are ground into a powder form.” Light explained as they crossed the street. “Matcha has a richer flavor to it.”

“I wanna try that!” Matt told him, running ahead into the ice cream store.

“Well, our buddy system was destroyed.” L shook his head, opening the door for them.

“What a gentleman.” Light cooed under his breath, making L smirk.

“I’m nothing if not a gentleman.” L told him mischievously, actually having the nerve to wink at him. Light glared at him, but he was laughing.

“They’re totally flirting.” Mello whispered to Near, but Light heard it.

“I want a sample of that!” Matt was already standing at the counter, and ordering the worker around. “And make sure it’s big!”

“Don’t be greedy.” L sighed, before Light heard a quiet gasp emit from the man. “Blueberry cheesecake? I have to try that!”

“What’s wrong with plain chocolate?” Mello grumbled playfully. “Oh damn…triple fudge? I want that, with chocolate sauce!”

The worker looked between all of them nervously, and started frantically spooning ice cream into cups. Light would’ve felt bad, but this was his job after all.

Matt suddenly let out an obscene noise, as he closed his eyes and leaned dramatically against the ice cream case. “This is better than sex…” He muttered hazily.

“Matt, don’t talk like that.” L eyed him, and Light could hear the disgust in the other’s voice.

“It’’s not polite.” Light parroted, nodding emphatically.

“And it’s plain rude!” Mello scowled, taking a huge lick of his ice cream cone before lightly kicking Matt in the shin. “Sex with me should be way better than some frozen milk!”

“Gross.” Near muttered, before pointing at the ice cream. “I want the cherry blossom one. In a cup, please. And with sprinkles.”

“I don’t want to hear about that.” L muttered, nodding his thanks as he was handed his own cone. “You’ll make my dear old heart collapse from horror.”

“You have a heart?” Light teased, a giggle spilling from his lips. “Funny, I thought you had an old clock ticking in there.”

“You wound me, Light-kun.” L placed a heart over his chest, his dark eyes glinting as he took a teasing lick at his ice cream. It made Light’s eyes go wide. Damn him. “Now, go on and order something.”

“No, I’m good.” Light shook his head. Unlike the rest of the group, he took care of his body. He had just eaten, and he was content. He didn’t need sugar and fat clogging up his arteries. He wanted to live a long life. Plus, milk caused acne. Light couldn’t have his perfect skin becoming blemished.

“Oh no, you aren’t weaseling you’re way out of this one Yagami.” L stated, tapping his finger harshly against the glass case. “Indulge yourself.”

“L, unlike you I don’t need sugar to survive.” Light rolled his eyes. 

“He’ll have vanilla.” Mello suddenly shouted, making Light whip around. Oh no, if he was going to be dragged into this he was not going to have vanilla!

“No, I won’t.” Light told the worker, who looked at him with wide eyes. “Mello, why on earth would you think I’d like vanilla?”

“Yeah, no one likes vanilla.” L agreed from behind him. “Light would be a madagascar vanilla.”

“That’s not helping, L."

“You seem vanilla.” Mello shrugged, making Light bristle. How dare he make such an assumption? Light was a very important man, and a very complicated one at that. He demanded respect wherever he went, and vanilla did not convey that. Vanilla was tasteless, and boring. Vanilla was nothing special, it was timid. If Light was to be forced to eat something, he would not suffer through the ordeal. Then, what was the point of eating at all?

“What do you want then?” Near questioned, sticking his spoon into his mouth. Light grimaced.

“Well, I don’t want to say it.” Light grumbled to himself. “It’s embarrassing.”

Matt gawked at him, sticking his now green tongue out. Light frowned, that couldn’t possibly be healthy. “How is ice cream embarrassing?”

“If you’re too shy…” L started impishly behind him, making Light’s eyes narrow into tiny slits. “Whisper it, and I’ll order it.”

“L-“ Light sighed, turning around, but L just held a pale hand up. He looked like, well, a kid inside of a candy store. His whole face was bright and Light didn’t want to ruin the strange pleasure he got from this. 

So, swallowing his pride, he leaned in close to L. 

“I’ll have a scoop of moose tracks, in a cone please.”

Light ran his hand over his face. “You just had to say it loudly.” He groaned. And his eyes widened in horror, as he processed the rest of L’s sentence. “And, in a cone? That’ll make me look stupid! It’ll be messy and-“

“It’ll be good for you.” L interrupted firmly, handing the desert over. Despite himself, Light took the cone and L’s hand brushed against his. He lit up inside, and momentarily cursed himself. This was ice cream, not a marriage proposal! “It’ll make you more human.”

Light muttered under his breath, before taking a small bit. It froze his teeth, making himself internal cringe. However, the sweet taste of peanut butter and fudge coated his mouth an he closed his eyes. Matt was right. This was better than sex. It had been so long since he had rewarded himself in this way, but oh well. He was abandoning all of his inhibitions tonight it seemed.

“So, why moose tracks?” Mello questioned as they left the ice cream shop. “Does it have meat inside of it or something?”

Light stared down at the blonde, who looked completely serious. What? “No…it has peanut butter cups, and fudge.”

“Oh, so chocolate!” Mello nodded, obviously understanding why Light liked it. “Can I try? You can have some of mine.”

Light held his out. “You can just try it, I think all of that chocolate would make me sick.”

But Mello opened his hand, and to Light’s great surprise, pushed the cup inside of his palm. “Just try it, pansy. It’s good.”

Light stared at the ice cream as if it was bomb, before tentatively raising the spoon to his lips. The chocolate was rich and decadent, and Light could admit that it had a certain charm to it. But it seemed to suck his mouth of all moisture and his stomach suddenly clenched. But he nodded his head weakly at Mello, shooting him a polite smile. He wished he would have bought a bottle of water.

“That’s actually good!” Mello told him, actually looking impressed. He stared at Light’s cone as if he wanted to bed it, and for a moment that worried the brunette. “Wow Light, you actually do have good tastes.”

Light side eyed him, because of course he did. Every like Light chose for himself was perfect, to fit his very own handcrafted version of himself. “Thanks..I think?”

“We’re corrupting you, Light.” L smiled sinisterly, wrapping an arm around Light’s neck. “I’ll make it so that you end up loving sweets.”

“That’s a plan with many flaws L.” Light whispered, flicking his thumb out to wipe away the blob of ice cream on L’s lip. “You’d have to try really damn hard to get me to abandon my healthy lifestyle.”

“Mm, I could convince you.” L told him. “With all of my sweetness.”

“That’s…wow.” Light chuckled, taking another lick from his cone. He didn’t want it to melt all over his hands, after all. “My heart beats faster.”

“No!” Matt suddenly screeched. “Mello you stupid asshole, you jostled me!”

“I didn’t mean to!” The blonde yelled back defiantly. “Plus, it was only the cone left anyway!”

“It was my ice cream!” Matt spat, and L and Light turned around. Matt’s cone was smushed onto the concrete and Matt looked like a murderer who had just decided on a victim. Suddenly, his hand raised up and slapped the cup out of Mello’s hand. The pair watched as Mello’s eyes went wide with betrayal. The cup landed painfully, and Light scowled as he saw splatters fall on his shoes. He was going to have to wash those by hand!

“How does it feel?” Matt chortled, slapping his knee. “Don’t worry, it was almost gone!”

“There was a scoop left!” Mello hissed loudly, grabbing the red head’s shoulder and shaking him. “I’ll kill you, Matt!”

“I’d like to see you try!"

“We’re at the nice hotel, now.” L said flatly, continuing to walk forward. Light followed him, he wasn’t interested in watching a domestic between two teenagers. “Behave yourselves, or you’ll never get ice cream again.”

“There better be a vending machine.” Mello whispered spitefully, as they walked through the revolving doors. “Or, at least some room service.”

“Weeee!” Matt shouted, going around in a circle. “L, can we get a door like this inside of our house?”

“No.” L grumbled, sticking his hand into the door and yanking Matt out. “And now look, you’ve made Near all dizzy.”

The small pale boy now appeared quite green, and he leaned against the wall with wide eyes. “I’m fine.” He grumbled, throwing a hand over his mouth. Mello chortled, but L’s quick flick to the head made his mouth latch shut. 

Light looked around the hotel, wanting to gape but knowing better than to do that. The huge white chandlers that looked as if they was made of stairs hung overhead, and the light sone down brilliantly. The walls were painted gold, and all of the furniture was colored a rich mahogany. As they walked through the lobby, Light could see that huge palm trees sat in the corners. That was a little tacky, but whatever. The hotel even smelled rich. It smelt like expensive spices, and rich vanilla.

“I have a reservation for Ryuzaki.” L told the man, digging through his pants to pull out his wallet. The man behind the counter looked them over with a cool disdain, making Light’s eyes go sharp. When he settled on the brunette, his eyes quickly went wide and he looked away to type on his computer. Light smirked, glaring at those who dared to judge him never got old.

“Here you are Mr. Ryuzaki, you will be in room four twenty.” He handed L a room key, and Matt snickered quite obnoxiously.

“Enjoy your stay, I would definitely recommend taking advantage of the…erm, lovely whirlpool tub.” The man said meaningfully, making Light follow his line of sight back to the boys. Mello had chocolate smeared all around his mouth and Matt had somehow gotten his green ice cream on his forehead. Light frowned, and brought a hand up to run through his hair. Really? The must look like complete disgraces, how embarrassing. Light should’ve pretended not to know the boys.

L took the card without a word, muttering under his breath.

“A whirlpool tub? Sweet.” Mello whistled. “Last one to the room is a rotten egg!”

“We’re going in an elevator.” Near pointed out, pressing the button. “You won’t exactly have a head start.”

“That sounds like something a rotten egg would say.” Mello spat, as the doors opened with a ding. Light groaned as he heard the cheerful elevator music. That was quite tacky, he didn’t need music on a simple ride up to his room. The noise was grating his nerves, but at least this elevator has a mirror. As he walked inside, he even saw a tiny chandelier hanging on top and the walls were a rich chocolate brown. 

As the doors closed and the started upwards, Mello and Matt both jumped up. Laughing, they came down and bumped into Light. He gripped onto the small hand rail and held his breath. He did not like to be jostled inside of a box of death, and he felt his stomach turn.

“You two are making me nauseous.” L grumbled.

Light looked over at himself, and saw that a strand of hair was swept to the right. Frowning, he brought his hand up to smooth the stubborn piece down. But he smiled softly to himself, when he saw that his deep amber eyes were wide and bright. L looked into the mirror as well, and Light could see the other man’s own contented expression.

“On your mark, get set, GO!” Matt beloved, as the doors opened. The two older boys used against each other, whooping down the hallway. L and Light just exchanged looks. They were probably going to get a noise complaint. But Light knew L had enough money to take care of that.

“The room is back here.” L called over his shoulder, chuckling quietly as he slide the key in. 

Panting, the two boys pushed into the room in front of them.

“I got here first!”

“No, my foot was totally in the doorway before yours was.”

“Was not.”

“Was too!”

“You three can have the left bed.” L muttered, throwing the key onto the small bedside table. The room was a creamy white shade that soothed Light, and the beds were large and plush. Two king sized beds. The curtains were a fair gold, and had somewhat of a sheen to them. IN front of the beds was a flatscreen television sitting on top of a wooden stand. Next to the beds was the bathroom door, and Light could see a hint of the whirlpool tub from where he was standing. 

Light slumped down onto the right bed and sighed to himself. It felt like he was sitting on top of some giant marshmallow, and his body sunk into the soft mattress. His muscles cheered in delight as he stretched his arms over his head. THIS was much better than some old couch. Light felt absolute nirvana, and he felt the bed dip beside him.

“This is so comfortable.” He murmured. “Much better than that dumb old couch I had to take last night.”

“They stole your bed?”

“Mmm.”

“That was quite rude.”

“At least you’re making up for it.” Light opened his eyes and smirked at the raven looking down at him. L looked so very kissable in that moment, with his lips turned up into a grin and his charcoal eyes shining. If their had not been children inside the same room, Light would have taken full advantage of the situation.

“You guys are sleeping together?” Matt cawed. “Called it.”

“Why don’t you three clean yourselves up.” L grumbled. “Do not get water all over the floor, though. And please wipe that ice cream off of your face.”

“I do?” Matt questioned, swiping his eyebrow and then licking his hand. Light’s stomach clenched, how uncleanly. 

“They have soap here that’s shaped like a seashell.” Mello called from the bathroom. “Matt, get in here!”

“Finally, alone.” L murmured as the bathroom door closed shut. He ran a hand through Light’s hair, and he leaned into the touch. L’s face was illuminated by the lamplight, and he looked like some otherworldly angel. His features were dark and pronounced, and Light thought that L had been made for him.

“I feel like an idiot right now.”

“And why’s that?” L quirked an eyebrow.

Light shrugged, bringing his hands to rest behind his head. “I’m….happy, and I’m certainly acting the part. It feels weird.”

“You aren’t normally happy?”

“I’d say going through life with ease and actually feeling happiness are two different things.”

“But…you’re happy now.”

Light blew out a puff of air. “I am.”

“Because of me?” L bit his lip, his eyes narrowing.

“It would appear that way.”

“I can’t remember the last time you were happy to see me.” L let out a breathy, humorless laugh and laid down next to Light. The other pressed his head under Light’s chin, and the wild raven tendrils tickled at his face.

“I’ve always been better when you’re around.” Light smiled, but corrected himself. “Maybe not near the end three years ago, but I’ve always felt….something when you leave. It’s never a good feeling. I just had to hide how I truly felt, sometimes.”

He wrapped his arms around the other, and listened to his heartbeat. It was steady and calming, and Light felt his eyes droop. The world could crash and burn around them right now, and it wouldn’t matter. This would be a nice ending, to die inside of L’s arms. The ceiling seemed to swirl above him. He felt a mist of pace fall around them.

“What’ll happen tomorrow?” L whispered, and Light’s heart seemed to skip a beat. “Is this only for tonight?”

“We can just enjoy things how they are, right now.” Light muttered dismissively, tightening his grip.

“Have you forgiven me?”

Light sighed, L was bringing this up now? “I don’t know if I ever completely can….but it can be better.”

“Weren’t you the one who said we’d never work?”

“L…” Light sighed, feeling his forehead crease. The air was suddenly chillier, and L felt like a ticking time bomb from beside him. Their conversations always had to turn morbid, and Light didn’t like it one bit. His feelings were not black and white, they were a depp grew. He didn’t know how he’d feel tomorrow, or the next day after. He didn’t even know if he was feeling complete bliss at this moment. All he knew was that L was beside him, and that they would fall asleep together. Couldn’t that be good enough? Why did one always have to peak behind the curtain?

“Sorry.” L sighed heavily, and Light felt the other’s chest expand against his own. “I can’t help it I…want to understand this. I don’t want to feel as if the rug is about to be pulled out from under me.”

“Well, at least we’re even because that’s how I always feel when I’m with you.”

“Would you come back to England with me?” L blurted out, and Light’s heart froze over. And there it was. “Sorry, forget that.”

“I can’t leave my family L.”

“I need to go back tomorrow.”

“I know.” The words felt like acid on his tongue, burning him.

“Would…you consider visiting? One day?”

“Maybe.”

“Three years ago…”

“L, stop.” Light’s voice wavered. “Can we not think about that?”

“I just want to know what you’re thinking.” L sat up, frowning and running a hand through his hair. Light rolled his eyes before closing them, L looked like a caged animal waiting to be let out of it’s trap. And Light didn’t know what he could say.

“I’m thinking that I’m tired.”

“Light.” Oh.

“L.” Light rubbed his eyes, and resisted the urge to turn on his side. “I don’t think anything between us will ever be as simple as ‘we’ve made up, so now we’re going to ride off into the sunset.' That’s not who we are as people. So much has happened and…I think the best that we can hope for is to somehow find a tentative peace.”

“Would it matter if I said sorry again?”

“Words don’t really mean anything, L.” Light sighed. “Actions speak louder.”

“But I don’t know how to show I’ve changed because you’re never around!” L snapped and Light felt his muscles tense. “Sorry.” L blew out a gust of air, and it hit Light on his cheekbone. “I’m not mad, I'm just…”

“Confused.” Light finished for him. “Pensive, unsteady…”

“Yeah.”

Light settled back into his pillow, almost feeling as if it was swallowing him. He didn’t know what to say.

“Can I tell you something?”

“If it’s not depressing.” Light clicked his tongue.

“It’s a little bleak.”

Of course it was. “Go on, then.”

“I thought I had lost you, that day in the bathroom.” L revealed lowly, and Light resisted the urge to run away. No, no. He didn’t want that iciness to fill him again. They didn’t need to think about all of that horror. What was the point of all of this? 

“All of that blood….it’s stained inside of my mind.” That familiar heartbreak seized his heart again. “And I think that’s the first time, maybe ever, that I’ve felt completely hopeless. And utterly guilty. It was also the moment I realized I loved you. But h-how could I break something that I loved? I didn’t understand it. I just held you, and wished that I could go back to when we first met.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, you know that right?” Light asked sleepily, cracking open an eye. L nodded, but his gaze was glazed over. His was remembering something, and he looked as if he was about to watch a rather interesting program.

“Do you remember that day, the To-Oh entrance ceremony?”

“Of course, it was a good speech.” Light bit his cheek, feeling the flesh split. “And the day I met you.”

“I knew what you looked like.” L began softly, his fingers picking at a loose thread. “I had seen pictures, and watched you through the surveillance videos.” Light felt his muscles harden at that. “I knew everything about you. Light Yagami, eighteen years old. Son of the police chief and Japan’s number one student. You had a sense of justice that matched your father’s, and you were a prodigy. I knew there was something more, though. I thought it was something sinister…but, I was wrong. I had watched you during the exam, but when I came up to walk behind you….I felt my heart stop. Completely. I thought for a moment that you had discovered who I was, and decided to kill me.”

“But it was just because I was struck by….you. While you were giving that speech, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. The way that you were so assured of yourself, it tugged at my heart. You were so confident and….perfect. The way that your eyes shone, it was like I had gone to heaven and I was standing beside an archangel without even knowing it. And when you looked at me…after I told you my name…I’ll never be able to replicate that thrill. Because you saw me, and I saw you. I felt something was coming, and I new it was going to be good. I can’t go back to how I was before I met you, because that day my life changed.”

Light was silent, but hyperaware of his breathing. The whole earth felt like it had gone still.

“You were perfect.” L told him, which Light already knew. “And I wish I could’ve seen you for who you were. I wish I could’ve just…somehow known that you weren’t Kira. I wish I would’ve known that you were mine. That day, my life changed for the better and your’s changed for the worst. If I could go back….all I’d do is take you into my arms, and tell you that I loved you.”

“L, if you’d of done that I would’ve been freaked out.” Light croaked out, attempting a weak smile that probably looked more like a grimace. “Because, why would this strange man be confessing his love for me inside of a classroom?”

L let out a laugh at that, and Light felt his fingers caressing his cheek softly. “I’ll never not regret hurting you.” L whispered thickly. “I’ll never not imagine what life could’ve been like If I hadn’t of broken you.”

“I was already broken.” Light let the words spill from his mouth, choosing to stare at the top of L’s head. “I’ve never been perfect, inside. I had already seen things that no child should ever see.” He was talking about the men, of course. If only he had seen them for what they were. because during those trysts, Light really did believe he was in charge. But, they got what they wanted out of him and no money or blackmail would ever ears that. Light had already grown up by the time he was fourteen, L had just made him worse. Light hadn’t of been perfect since grade school, in all actuality.

“But I wish that I could’ve been someone you had loved, fully.”

And Light knew that wasn’t possible now, but L didn’t have to sound so sad about it!

“But a part of me…feels that way.” Light forced out, because he wouldn’t allow himself to say that treacherous word. His soul felt hollow, because he didn’t want to think about those things. *The way I feel about you…I couldn’t put it into words if I tried.”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

“Exactly.” Light allowed himself a small smirk. “I know you won’t sleep but…can we just lay here in the silence, please?"

L’s eyes widening, because he knew. But he let himself fall back over Light, their bodies molding together. Light felt his heart rate fall back into place, and let his arm wrap around L. He let himself breath in his smell, that sugary sweetness mixed with fabric softener, which was a little faint, but it still soothed him. He let himself close his eyes, because this was nice. For now.

“This is awesome!” A muffled yell came from the bathroom, following with loud splashing. Light felt L sigh beside him. Oh well. They were just kids. At least they seemed to be trying to cope with the Mikami situation. Light had faith in them, that they wouldn’t loose themselves to this. They seemed like bright, resilient children and he was happy to hear that they still found someday in this tainted world.

Could he ever find that joy? Light didn’t know. Could that innocence and unadulterated happiness ever come back, or could one only fake it? As he laid here with L, he knew that this was the happiest he would ever be. And while it was nothing, it was everything to him. Feeling the man’s steady breaths and his weight on top of him, it was the only thing that mattered. It was the only thing that filled him up three fourths of the way. Because Light knew he would always have a particular hollowness inside of him, but L helped to lessen it. And Light realized that no matter what happened, he never wanted to be separated from the man again. He didn’t want to forget what they shared, even if it sometimes ripped him apart. He didn’t want them to go back to being strangers. Light didn’t want to see the colors of the world dulled anymore. He wanted to feel everything, no matter the price. 

“Light.” L spoke in a whisper. “I love you so much.”

Light nodded his head, feeling everything round him dissolve away. He was being pulled under into unconsciousness.

“I’ll tell you something only two other people know. And, since one of them’s dead, it's really only one other person who knows this. Watari.” L cleared his throat, and Light could feel the electricity seeping off of the other. “I’m telling you this because I trust you.”

“L. Lawliet.” The words were spoken in a mere whisper, they floated away in a breeze. Light wasn’t even sure if he’d registered them. They were gone as quickly as they had come. “That’s real my name, Light. I want you to know that.”

Light felt his heart skip a beat, was that right?


	26. There Are Some Things I’ll Never Know, Or Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second to last chapter before the epilogue! I've gone mad with updates, but please bear with me. I have a very significant date in mind for the last chapter and...I desperately want to make the deadline;)
> 
> So, here's L's pov! Plus a chat with Matt, because everyone underestimates Matt and I wanted to give him some wise words to tell L. I actually think that Matt is just as smart as Mello and Near, he just doesn't show it enough. Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? I look forward to reading all of you thoughts and comments, especially now because we are so close to the end!
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you're all excited for the end! I've finally decided what I'm going to do, so....be prepared;)

L’s eyes shot open and he bolted upright. He was immediately on edge as he realized the room he was currently in was pitch black. The raven winced slightly when he felt a small pain in his neck that had most likely been caused by his former sleeping position. Which, said position, had been a rather uncomfortable chair that his head had nearly been lolling off of and his body had been positioned in a way so that he was laying half on and half off the seat.

*But wait,* He thought suddenly, massaging his sore neck, *I fell asleep in the bed, didn’t I? Next to Light? Did I really…fall asleep? So. . . oh joy. I’m dreaming, aren’t I?*

L felt a chill run through him at the realization and his eyes darted from left to right. The room was still as dark as before and the detective couldn’t make heads or tails out of the situation he was currently in.

All he hoped was that it was not some nightmare like before. And that Light would not accompany him in this dream. Because, L would really not care to see the other man's body torn to bloody pieces again.

Suddenly, a lamp flicked on from in front of him, and a jolt of shock flashed through him. The raven felt his eyes open impossibly wide and his hands trembled slightly.

Now, he knew it was definitely a dream.

Because, in no real world, would Beyond Birthday be sitting in front of him, one hand pulling harshly at his greasy hair.

L felt the distinct ‘fight or flight’ feeling run through his body, but he forced himself to relax and glare steadily at the other. He pulled his knees up to his chest and firmly placed both of his clammy palms on his kneecaps. The other was sitting in a brown leather chair, so this must be his old room at Wammy’s. What? B was staring at him imploringly, a weak smile on his sweaty and pale face. L shivered.

L. Lawliet wouldn’t be so easily cowed into fear. It would take more than the mere sight of his former lover to do that. If this was a dream, then this wasn’t real. This was his mind, and he had control over that.

“What’s going on here?” He finally questioned the other icily, making sure his tone was devoid of fear. He couldn’t let the other exploit any emotion that he showed, so he would do his best to make sure that, dream or not, B wouldn’t be able to hurt him.

Well, he might not even be able to talk in the state he was, in all actuality. Now that L could get a better look at the once alive man, he realized that he looked completely worse for wear. B’s hair was a frizzy mess and his skin looked about as sickly and clammy as a corpse. His blood red eyes darted quickly from left to right and he was harshly chewing at his bottom lip. Which was now bleeding, but B didn’t seem to mind. His chest rose and fell almost rapidly and, quite frankly, L thought he looked like some rabid animal on cocaine.

“Speak or I’ll leave this. . . Wammy’s? Oh how wondrous, what will my deranged mind come up with next? Will some hands race out from the shadows and rip you to tatters too? Or maybe your flesh will fall off and-,”

“I-I’m real, L,” B suddenly interrupted, his gaze fearful and almost pleading, “This i-isn’t just made up.”

“Ha!” L barked out scornfully, “Like hell it is. Stop fucking with my mind, you wretched snake. What do you want? Tell me in less than ten seconds or I’m gone.”

“No!” B nearly screamed, eyes wide with terror, “No, y-you can’t leave! You have to save me, please L-!”

“Stop calling me L. You loss the right to refer to me at all the day you. . .” L cut himself off, instead hoping the silent, heated stare he gave the other would suffice.

“I’m telling the truth, I swear! Please believe me, I need you to believe me,” He all but pleaded, staring at L imploringly.

The raven scoffed and leaned back against the chair, eyes narrowed. He knew that what the other was saying was completely illogical and that there was no possible way that even a sliver of B could be alive.

But, Shinigami also existed somehow. So, was it possible that B was somehow. . .?

*No that’s completely insane.* L snapped internally, jaw tightening. *There’s absolutely no way that B’s alive.*

“See, I-I’m not really alive, but my soul is!” B babbled, hands fiddling with his pant cuffs, “Because, and I know you’ll try to disagree with me on this, but I’m actually half Shingamai. So, that’s how I’m able to still communicate with you. Sometimes, the shinigami will let me out of hell. And, I-I needed to visit you! I need to know that you still care about me….”

L could only blink dumbly as B finished, feeling shell shocked. All he could think was ‘what the hell’ because how was that even possible? No, this was his mind. Coming up with silly excuses for why he would be dreaming of the murderer, which hadn’t of happened in some time. This was trauma, nothing more and nothing less.

*But, no matter what, his physical body is still dead.* L reminded himself sharply. *And this is a dream, so he can’t hurt me or anyone else. So, even if he is telling the truth, it still doesn’t change that fact. But, I suppose this might be a good opportunity for me, nonetheless.*

So, the detective inhaled as deep as possible before fixing B with a cold stare.

“I, frankly, do not care if even some part of you is still alive. You're dead, to me. Even if you beg and plead, I won’t give you salvation,”

B looked absolutely horrified, but L continued. His blood felt like hot molten lava inside of his veins, and he could feel his very bones tremble with satisfaction.

“You can’t hurt me anymore. And, I’ve even moved on, if you can believe it. You haven’t ruined me, and you will never get the chance again. The only person you have to blame for this is yourself, B. I. . . have someone else now, too. And I’ll be damned before I let anything else happen to him. I can’t be stuck in the past with you if I want to move forward.”

“L…I’m not really evil. I really didn’t mean any of it.” B whispered. “Please, I-I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am, it’s the way I’m built. I just need a savior. I could change, now that I know what the afterlife is like for those who are evil, I want to change!”

L stared at him dumbly. No matter. B had hurt him, and he would never forgive the other for that. Whether he was intentionally wretched or not hardly made a difference to him now. “I’m not interested in playing that role.” He told the other. “And, what do you expect me to do? It’s too late, B. You’re dead."

L tried his best to ignore the absolutely crazed and devastated look on B’s face, and instead focused on the lightness he felt in his chest. He breathed out a heavy sigh and stood up off of the chair, posture a bit less crooked than before.

“No, wait-!” B screamed, struggling against invisible bonds to try to go after the raven. 

But, L ignored him, and even felt his lips turn up slightly. He looked towards the big, wooden doors that had recently appeared, and started towards them.

“You can’t leave! I’ll always be here! Always! You can’t-”

B’s babbling faded into the background and L swung the door open, feeling a strange sensation bubble up in his chest.

“Goodbye, Beyond Birthday. You evil fucker.”

And with that, L slammed the door closed.

L opened his eyes wide, feeling his heart beating crazily inside of his chest. The air felt humid and sticky, and he realized that he was shaking. Blood rushed through his ears, and he looked up at the dark ceiling in fear. But, it had been just a dream. A nightmare? He didn’t know. It was all fake, he was still in this hotel room, with Light. B was still dead.

He looked over at the other, who was still soundly sleeping inside of his arms. Their faces were inches apart, and L smiled as he gazed at the other’s features. He had missed watching Light sleep. Light looked so serene in slumber, he looked young and innocent and happy again. He looked as if he was a sleeping angel, and he made L feel as if everything was right in the world. The brunette’s eyes were closed softly, and L could see the way his eyelashes laid over top his under eyes. His lips were slightly parted as soft breaths left him, and he almost seemed to radiantly glow.

Light was warm inside of his arms, but L suddenly felt claustrophobic. He needed some air, he needed to think. And, even though Light was dead to the world, he didn’t want to wake the brunette with his sudden change of energy.

So, he gently pried the other’s arms away from him and slowly slid of the mattress. He held his breath when Light’s breath caught, but the other only sleepily mumbled and threw an arm limply over his face. L stared at him for a few moments, but Light made no other movements so he sighed in relief. 

He tiptoed quietly to the balcony, his feet sliding softly over the carpet. It felt rough beneath his bare toes. The room was dark and silent, with only the soft sounds of snoring. L suspected that the loudest came from Mello, and he smiled to himself softly. 

This hotel room somehow felt like home to him.

He gripped the door handle to the balcony, before slowly pushing it open. It bellowed the curtains away and the cool breeze hit him. And something else.

Cigarette smoke.

Frowning, L looked down to see that Matt was sitting on the balcony as well. The small boy was crouched down near the bars, and looking out at the twinkling light’s over the city. The smoke wafted around his face, and tuffs of hair danced in the wind.

“What are you doing awake?” L whispered, slowly shutting the door behind him. 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Matt told him, turning around to look up at L with tired eyes. The cigarette hung loosely from his lips. “You couldn’t either?”

“You shouldn’t smoke.” L sighed, but he made no move to stop the boy. He probably should’ve, since he was in charge of them. But Matt had started the habit when he was thirteen. He had snuck into Roger’s office and stolen a carton. For a month afterwards, the entirety of the second floor had smelled like tobacco. But, no matter what L said or did, Matt always found a way to get to his beloved nicotine. He would never condone it, but L remembered how headstrong he had been as a kid. He figured he would let Matt find out for himself how horrible the habit was.

Matt shrugged, just like he always did when someone told him not to do something. “I’m almost eighteen.”

“You shouldn’t smoke even when you are eighteen.” L told him, because it was the right thing to say. “But, no I actually was sleeping. I…had a dream.”

“A nightmare?” Matt questioned, breathing out another cloud. It tickled L’s nostrils and he wrinkled his nose.

“Kind of.” He muttered, clasping his hands behind his back and slowly making his way towards the edge of the balcony. “But, not really.”

He reached out to grab at the cold railing in front of him, and stared up at the sky. The moon was big and bright tonight, and it light was the only thing illuminating the patio. The sky was pitch black, save for a few lone stars shining all by their lonesome. Damn pollution from the city always wiped out the beauty of nature. This was why L loved the countryside. Though most of his work required him to travel to cities often, he always loved returning home.

Not even because he thought of Wammy’s as his home. He didn’t mind it, because the orphans were there. His whole life was there, he had never known anything else. But, it was also where he had grown up. It was where memories lie. And he could never stay in that place for too long, because sometimes he feared those memories would drive him insane. There was a sinister energy inside of that house, one that only he felt. Or, if the others did, they didn’t show it.

In every room there was a memory. The walls were filled with noises. But, he could always count on the natural beauty of the place to soothe him. Whenever it got to be too much, he could always take a walk through the lush green forest. Or climb onto the roof ledge outside of his bedroom at night and stare at the stars. Back in the countryside, there were a multitude of stars. It inspired L, how little everything was in the great grand scheme of things. It made him fell less alone, oddly enough. Because it made him feel as if there was something greater out there. All of those tiny little stars reminded him of the hidden beauty of this world. Aside from the rot and horror, there were still small blessings. Nighttime showed those blessings, when the world was quite and peaceful. Though the dark may have been scary to some, it wasn’t for L. Everything was as it should be at night.

“What was the dream about?” Matt whispered.

“B.”

A moment of silence fell around the two. L sighed, looking at the moon until it blurred in his vision.

“What was he doing?”

“Talking shit.” L told him, before he could stop himself. “Nonsense.” He corrected, closing his eyes. The imprint of the moon was still burned into his vision, and the small ball of light bounced behind his closed eyelids. “….He was asked me to save him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Matt sighed, and L opened his eyes as a small hand was placed on his shoulder. Matt sent him a small smile, which L weakly returned. 

Matt may have sometimes been the most immature out of the whole group, but L could see him for what he truly was. Matt was an old soul. While he was a boy of few words, when Matt said something, one should count themselves lucky and listen. Matt understood the stillness, he understood the need for calmness. Matt could soothe a ferocious lion, if he put his mind to it. That was the thing. Matt didn’t realize his full potential, and often let himself be told what to do. Matt was content to be a viewer, he didn’t understand the need to complete goals. 

But Matt did have his moments, where he would say one word and then suddenly the whole world would make sense. And that’s why him and Mello were such a good fit, despite their quarrels. Matt saw Mello, and he wasn’t afraid. Matt knew the blonde, probably better than L. Matt knew when his companion was just in a mood or truly hurting, and he knew all of the right ways to calm the blonde down. That was important, to have someone who could calm the fires inside of you. L was thankful that the two had each other.

Sometimes, he wondered what would have happened if he had met Light before B. If he and Light had met as children, would everything of been different? If L had met Light when he was still a starry eyed boy full of wonder and curiosity, would everything be different? Would the two be better? Would all of the mistakes and heartache be erased? L didn’t know, but he didn’t like to think about that. Because the past was in the past, and one could only let it be. Sure, hindsight was twenty-twenty, but it wouldn’t change anything. The grass was always greener on the other side, anyways. People liked to imagine that they could’ve made better choices, and that if given the chance, they could go back and erase all of the pain. People were wishful like that. But, toast can never be bread again and thinking about what could of been was a recipe for hurt.

“…Do you ever miss him?” Matt whispered unsteadily.

“No, I don’t.” L told the smaller boy firmly. “No….I just, he still affects my life. Even now, after all of these years.”

“I get that.” Matt said. “I mean, obviously I don’t know everything that went down between you two, but I know that he hurt you.”

L swallowed thickly. “That he did.”

Matt sighed, and L felt something nudged his arm. “You look like you need one.” Matt explained, holding up the paper box.

L shook his head. “Smoking ruins your health, Matt.” But, his hand shook as he plucked the small white stick from it’s box. he needed something to think, and right now sugar wasn’t going to cut it. L had only smoked twice in his life before now, and he had hated it. The first time was with B, when they had gone into town and B had swindled the cashier into believing they were eighteen. Which, was absurd because L had been fourteen and B sixteen. He was pretty sure he still had baby fat on his cheeks. The clerk was obviously just taken in by B’s charm and pretty lies. Just as he had been. L had thrown up after the first puff, and B had laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. B was rude like that. The second time had been when he was on sight for a case, and had seen a mangled child’s body. The damage had affected him so strongly, that it was either booze or a small cigarette that Watari had offered him. L had been proud that he had had enough control not to get addicted, but sometimes a bit of hedonism was needed.

“I don’t miss him.” L repeated, as Matt lit the small stick and he inhaled the cancerous cloud. It burned his throat and his chest, but it also filled him with a sense of calmness. It tickled at something inside of him, so he allowed it to rest in his lungs for a moment before blowing out. “The only times I ever did miss him was when I would remember the good days. But, those were rare. And nothing was real with B anyway, besides the pain. So, no, missing him is the wrong word.”

“What’s the right word?” Matt breathed out, letting a small cough fall from his lips.

“Regret, perhaps.” L told him, watching the smoke leak from the burt end. It glowed orange against the night sky. “I regret that I let him take so much from me. I regret that he turned me into something like him.”

“You aren’t like that asshole L.” Matt said sadly. “You’re a good person.”

“I’m glad you think so.” L chuckled at his kind words, his naivety. “But, you’ve never seen me in the mindset that he gave me. You’ve never seen how bad I can get. Light would tell you a very different story.”

“Everyone has different impressions of everyone.” Matt said knowingly. “But, it seems like you and Light have worked out your issues. Or at least, maybe some of them?”

“We haven’t.” L shook his head. “No, I don’t think there’s anyway I can fix what I put him through. I think we’re both just…tired of it all.”

And that killed a part of his heart, that Light would never fully trust him again. That Light would never love him as freely as he had before he had overheard L’s evil words. It hurt to know that he had changed the brunette, that he had turned him into someone he might not of been if not for L. And just knowing that there was nothing he could say to ever full heal Light, L didn’t know how to deal with that. He had never met a puzzle he couldn’t solve, except for him and Light. 

“He’s here, though.” Matt pointed out. “That must be a good sign.”

L shook his head slightly, the breeze blowing his bangs over his eyes. “I don’t know what tonight is. It might just be…” L couldn’t finish, he didn’t want to say those words out loud. He didn’t want to think of tonight as a goodbye, or as the calm before the storm. He didn’t want it to be over. Not yet. Not ever.

“Did he tell you anything?” L suddenly asked, looking down to meet the red head’s blue eyes. They sparkled with something, before Matt turned away.

“Stuff.” He mumbled. “It’s not my place to make judgements, though. There are always two sides to a story, and not one side is ever totally right.”

L felt the smoke drift through his lips, and bowed his head to watch the clouds rise into his face. “Whatever he told you….I-I don’t want you to think any differently about me. It was my biggest regret, what I did to him. And while at the time I thought what I was doing was right-“

“L, it’s okay.” Matt interrupted softly. “I wasn’t there, and….he said that he was a suspect, and I know how you can get.”

“It was a mistake.”

“At least you recognize that.” Matt told him. “There’s not much you can do about it now, at any rate. You just have to be apologetic, and work to better yourself. You just have to hope that you two can prevail.”

“Can we?” L sighed, flicking away some ash. It fell down into the city until it disappeared completely. “I know what Light wants, and he knows what he wants, but I don’t think it’s enough.”

“I think you plan too much.”

L felt his eyes go wide as he looked over at the younger. Matt was drumming his fingers against the ledge, with a dying cigarette in between his middle and pointed finger. He was staring into the darkened city, and his expression was unreadable. “What do you mean?”

“You always want to know what’s going to happen in the future, when it comes to your personal life at least.” Matt explained, softly. “You like to be in control, and you don’t want anyone surprising you. But, this is something you can’t control. Light will decide whatever Light will decide, and you can’t control his decision. All you can control is how you treat him.”

L frowned, stubbing the half-gone stick on the ledge and carelessly flicking it off into the great unknown. More pollution, more filth upon the earth. But he couldn’t find it within himself to care.

“Just enjoy this moment.” Matt told him softly, nudging his arm. “Light is here, and we’re all here. We’re safe and…everything’s good, at the moment. Tomorrow the world could all go to hell but we can’t focus on everything that could go wrong. Sometimes, you do need to think with your heart instead of your brain.”

L exhaled softly, letting the crisp air reenter his lungs. Matt was right. Light could decide to leave him again, and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop him. Maybe love would save them, or maybe it would kill them. But Light was in his bed, alive. They had made up, they understood each other. No matter how much he hated what he did, it was all over. They had accepted it.

And if Light did leave him, he’d have to be okay with that. He knew that it was a very possible scenario, but he couldn’t loose his head. Not again. Not like how he had with B. All he could do was love Light, and live in the present. Neither man knew where their love would take them, and maybe that was okay. At least he knew that the brunette knew his heart. His heart throbbed painfully in his chest, but it wasn’t as if he could wake the man up and beg him to stay by his side forever. It wasn’t as if he could force Light to hop on a plane with him and abandon everything. He couldn’t tie Light to himself, he could only hope that the other would follow.

Worrying and sobbing wouldn’t help the situation, at any rate.

Yawning softly, Matt patted L’s arm. “I’m gonna go to bed.” Matt mumbled sleepily. L nodded, but held the boy’s hand in his own before he could leave.

“I’m sorry for what happened today.” He murmured, staring down at their intertwined hands. “Are you okay.”

He could see Matt’s shoulders lift into a shrug. “I’m good….I mean, as good as I can be after almost getting molested and then seeing a dead guy. But, we’ll get over it. We’re your successors L, we can get through anything.”

L smiled at the boys positive outlook. While it might have been a bit too optimistic, L was glad that Matt still had the energy for that kind of thinking. “I’m….glad he didn’t hurt you.”

“Me too.” Matt told him, squeezing his hand. “But…how did he die? So suddenly?”

L grinned ruefully to himself, letting go of Matt’s hand to stare at the top of a skyscraper. “Sometimes things work out like that.”

“So, basically, I’ll never know?”

“Maybe one day.” L said vaguely, and sighed to himself as he heard the balcony door shut softly behind him. No, he would never tell his successors about the Death Note. He would never let them know of that power, of that evil. No one should be aware of such supernatural dealings, and he almost wished that he wasn’t. He didn’t even fully understand the magic of shinigami’s, or death books. He accepted it, but that didn’t mean that it meant sense. He had learnt that there was another world just past the corner of his visions, and there were still things that he could learn about or just simply never find an answer to. Life was strange like that. While some things were so sure, other matters were much more complicated. 

And as he stood out on that balcony, not knowing how many hours had passed until he saw the sky grow light and the tip of the sun start to creep up on the horizon, he thought of everything and nothing. About B. About the Kira case. About Light and himself. And for a few, long moments, he just looked to the sky. And felt the breeze ghost across his skin. And heard the gentle rumble of cars down below, and the sounds of early birds making their way to work. 

And he hoped that Light would make a decision that left them happy. He hoped that Light wouldn’t focus on all of the damage. But most of all, he hoped that Light would never forget him. He hoped the brunette would never forget what they had had. Or, what they could of had. L knew that he would never forget Light. He could die on the rooftop and fade into nothingness, but he would never gorget about how the brunette made him feel. He would never forget Light’s smile, that always made his heart beat faster. He would never forget Light’s dark brown eyes, the ones filled with so much knowledge and power.

And he would never forget that, when he was around the other, he felt what some might describe as happy. The kind of pure, unadulterated happy that didn’t fix all of the ugliness inside of him, but that made it better. he would never forget the steady beating of Light’s heart, or the way that the other’s body perfected molded into his. He could live for a thousand and one years, and he would never forget the way that Light made the colors of the world around him make sense. 

Because L knew for a fact that Light was his soulmate. He loved him, as one loves another, whom they simply cannot live without. Light gave him a purpose, he gave L’s heart a reason for existing. He knew that as long as he had Light, the clouds would clear. Everything would be remembered, but fewer things would be felt. It was funny, Light was his savior in some odd way. Light had the power to save L from himself, and no one had ever had that power before. No one had possessed the capabilities before Light.

But, L knew they weren’t perfect. They were alike in all of the right ways, but in all of the wrong ones too. They were both stubborn and headstrong. They had clashing opinions about certain things, things that would lead to fights. L was a nasty person to fight with. He would hurl out curses and insults that would make one wish they were dead, and then punish them with coldness. And Light didn’t know how to forgive, not completely. Light could hurt L in only the ways that he could, and Light could bring him the world, but then snatch it away in the same breath. Light would never be able to completely forget or be okay with what L had done, and L would never forget either. Light would make sure that he didn’t.

But, L would take all of the ugliness that came with their entertained souls if only to be near Light. And, it was odd, but L genuinely wanted Light to be happy. It had gotten to a point where, even if Light decided that he was better off without L, he wouldn’t fight it. He would resent it, and suffer for eternity, but he would understand. The great and prideful L would give up everything for Light to be happy, which he had though he wasn't capable of doing. 

He just wanted them to be okay. But was anyone ever completely okay?

L suddenly felt exhausted as that question came into his mind. He watched the clouds change from a black, to a dark grey, to a tentative purple, and then a shy pink. The sun bled into the sky, and the morning Light turned his surrounding orange. It looked as if the sky was almost on fire. It felt like his soul.

So, he turned to go back inside. And, he looked over at his sleeping family. Because, yes, they would always be L’s family. No matter what happened, or how far they would be from each other, these people would always live in his heart. They meant more to him than anything else did, even himself.

He saw Near holding the blanket close to his chin, with his white hair splayed over the pillow. The smallest boy was curled up on his side, resting next to Mello. He had a soft smile on his face and he looked so utterly peaceful that it made L’s heart clench. Mello and Matt were nestled deep inside of the other’s arms, and Mello looked as if he was nothing but a boy. He wasn’t laughing loudly or yelling out profanities, he was securely latched to his person. Matt’s chin rested on top of his blonde head, and Mello’s arm was slung over his neck. L smiled down at them, and chastely kissed the tops of all of their foreheads. He couldn’t of been prouder that these children were his successors, and he vowed to protect them from the evilness of the world as much as he could. He wanted them to stay like this, forever. he always wanted them to know what love meant. 

And then there was Light. HIS Light, forever and always, was still curled up in the covers. His mouth was half open to let out his snores and L chuckled to himself as he brushed a piece of soft brown hair away from his forehead. Light’s skin felt so silky and smooth, like he was full of nothing but goodness. L knew that wasn’t true, but to him it was and that’s all that mattered. He slowly settled in next to Light, and wrapped his arms softly around the other’s waist, pulling him in. He inhaled Light’s smell, as if this was the last time he would ever be blessed with doing such a thing. He laid his head on top of the other’s chest, and closed his eyes to only listen to the other’s heartbeat. It was constant, and reassuring.

It made him feel as if everything would be alright. And he needed to believe that, just for now. Because L knew that he was capable of love. And he knew that in this moment, Light loved him just as deeply. They were two lost souls who had found each other, and L was going to fight like hell for that. He never wanted to let Light go, he never wanted that particular heart to walk away ever again. 

There wasn’t anything that was more important than the closeness they were sharing, right now. L felt his inner light burning out, and the white noises faded into nothingness. He felt as if he was wrapped inside of a protective cocoon, and it was good. It was his own heaven.

And, he slept better with Light.


	27. Dear Light-kun,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the official last chapter! Well, technically second to last but chapter twenty-eight is an epilogue. Ahhh sooo...what are we thinking? The letter is finally revealed, and I had to look up several love confessions to get everything just right. Also, a big chunk of Light's inner monologue was ripped straight from my own heart. Weeee feeling things! I hope I got the characterization right, and Light's feelings might be a little muddled or confusing, but that's how my own feelings are and lawlight's love will never not be confusing I think.
> 
> But I hope you enjoy this chapter! I'm so excited to hear all of your thoughts about the 'kind of ending, but we still have one more chapter to go.' I will save my sappy, bittersweet, tearful author's note for the epilogue;)

It’s odd, how his life has changed so quickly. Just two nights ago, he was sleeping on the couch and boiling with anger. He hated L, or at least he told himself he did, and he couldn’t wait to get rid of the three brats who were tormenting him. It’s like the Kira case. One moment, he was your everyday student with excellent grades and a charming smile. The next he was bound by chains and sitting inside of some dank, cold, smelly prison cell. What a change that had been. It was certainly not fit for the Light Yagami, and it had changed him. One moment, he was alone, and the next he had found L. And nothing was ever how it was again. Light was constantly closing doors, but finding open windows. Only L could do this, only L could make everything entirely different.

Mostly, Light hated the change. He missed how he was before, when he was calm and assured. He missed how he used to wake up, eat some eggs, and then walk over to his high school like any other child his age. He missed his planned life, and he missed the known things. 

But this morning, however, was different. Even though he was woken up by loud voices and complaints, he wouldn’t of changed a thing. Right now, sleeping inside of the downy and plush mattress, life was good. He missed having a good life, and he almost didn’t want to wake up and face the day. The day could wait, if he ordered it to.

“Those eggs were rubbery!” Mello huffed, and Light lazily yawned, stuffing his head deeper into the pillow. He had gotten about twelve hours of sleep, which was highly unusual, and yet he still somehow felt exhausted. His muscles were limp and airy, and he wanted to shout at Mello to pipe down. But the blonde wouldn’t listen, and Light didn’t want to have to strain his voice this early in the morning. 

“You know, children in starving villages would have happily ate those eggs.” Near reminded him, his voice sounding heavy with responsibility.

“Don’t condescend me, casper! This is supposed to be a nice hotel!” Mello hissed, and Light felt a heavy thud next to his feet. “They didn’t even have chocolate chip pancakes!”

“Mello! Shhhh, don’t wake Light.” L muttered, his voice sounding like a chirping of doves inside of Light’s ear. He smiled, despite himself, and opened his lids lazily. Mello was sat on his bed, with his arms crossed over his chest, and Matt was stuffing a granola bar inside of his mouth. Near was flicking through some television channels, and looked completely bored by everyone around him. And L was staring at him as if he was a grand trophy the man had just won. Light beamed, he certainly was a trophy.

“I’m already awake.” He yawned, hearing his own jaw pop and crack. Gross. He fisted his eyes, trying to make the blurriness of sleep disappear. “You went to breakfast without me?”

“These three imps were bound and determined to eat.” L shrugged, ruffling Mello’s blonde hair before the blonde lightly slapped his hand away. “I thought you didn’t care for breakfast, anyway.”

“I don’t.” Light shook his head, sitting up and resting his back against the headboard. Yes, alert the presses, Light Yagami didn’t believe in the most important meal of the day. Light thought that that honor should go to lunch. What kind of heathen would be hungry the second they woke up? Lunch was a good balance, it was in the middle of the day. So if one started loosing energy, the could eat and perk up. Plus, breakfast food wasn’t the best. It just…was bleh. Light could live simply on coffee in the morning, thank you very much. “Some coffee would be nice, though.”

“It’s on the nightstand.” L gestured, and Light smiled in gratitude. Oh, L was too good to him. Some days. He turned his head and saw the glorious coffee cup sitting beside him. He imagined it was bathed in a beam of light, and almost cried out of pure joy.

“Can I have some coffee?” Near asked, his eyes still fixed onto the television like it was life or death.

“You’re too young.” L sighed, digging his phone out of his pocket. Light closed his eyes as the bitter liquid sloshed into his mouth and down his throat. Black coffee, L had remembered, Light’s taste buds sang in glorious rapture. 

“Blast Watari!” L suddenly shouted, bringing a hand up to rub at his temples. “He just had to schedule us a flight for noon?”

Andddd Light’s mood suddenly fell like a hiker off of a cliff. Really? He just had to be reminded of L’s departure in the first few moments he was conscious? Curse everything. The coffee suddenly tasted like liquified sand in his dry mouth, and he banged his head against the headboard.

“I don’t want to go back to Wammy’s.” Mello groaned, throwing his arms up. “Now things are getting interesting. Can we just stay here?”

Light’s eyes widened, but luckily L shook his head. “No, I have work tomorrow.” He told the other stiffly, ignoring his whines. “I have to be in America for a case on Monday.”

“Work, shmork.” Mello grumbled, flinging himself backwards onto the bed and hitting Light’s feet in the process. “I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow!”

“Summer vacation is in a few days, you’ll live.” L told him, rolling his neck around.

“Yeah, which means it’s ‘summer activity’ time.” Matt rolled his eyes, making huge air quotations with his hands. “Which is basically a fancy term for more work!”

“Quiet, now go clean the bathroom.” L ordered, snatching the remote away from Near. His mood had apparently soured as well. “It looks like a shipwreck inside of there, and I don’t want to be charged for mold growing in the tiles.”

“That just means he wants to talk to Light.” Matt grumbled, before dragging Mello along with him to whatever horror awaited them inside of that bathroom.

“Have fun then!” Mello yelled over his shoulder, making loud smooching noises which Light really didn’t think were necessary. Near sighed, but followed the two laughing boys into the other room. 

And it was just him and L, again.

“So, America huh?”

L sighed, going to sit on the foot of the bed. he suddenly looked a hundred years old, and that worried Light. he clasped his hands behind his head, and looked at the floor. Why was the floor more interesting than him? “Would you…?”

Light knew, and he refused. The flight was in two hours, and he was not about to make this decision while his mind was still half-asleep. But why was L acting as if this was some monuments decision? 

He rose slowly, and made his way over to join L. The room was warm, because someone had left the balcony door open, and his bones cracked painfully as he sat down next to the other. Putting his head on top of L’s back, he tried to hold back his sigh. “I can’t just leave.”

“Hmph.” L grumbled to himself, sounding as if he had just got the bad news that his dog had died. “That’s what I figured you’d say.”

“Don’t be like that, L. I’m not saying that everything is going to go back to the way it was.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, L. This is why technology exists.” Light sighs, looking at him as if he’s a child who’s just been told he can’t go out and play. Light grabs his phone off of the nightstand, and waves it in the air. L must not be very pleased, and still won’t turn to face Light.

“I don’t want to leave you Light, not yet.” He says sadly, and Light nearly groans. If L starts turning on the theatrics, then Light will never let go and they’ll both look like something out of Romeo and Juilet. 

“Cheer up L, you’re an adult.” Light says, injecting just enough faux enthusiasm into his voice to sound like some summer camp counselor, before standing up and taking L’s chin in the palm of his hand. L looks utterly miserably, and somehow his dark eye bags have multiplied. “We’ll see each other again. You don’t need me to act as some kind of security blanket for you, do you?”

L rolls his shoulders, staring up at Light with such an intensity that it nearly makes the brunette fall over. “Are we fine? Can you give me a straight answer?”

“I…don’t know.” Light drops the pretense and L’s hand, choosing instead to run his fingers through his hair. “I need time to..process everything. I’ve just killed a man for fuck’s sake.” He lowers his voice for the last utterance, as he doesn’t need the boy scouts in the other room overhearing what a beast he is.

“Right.” L suddenly looks faraway, as if he’s just transported, and it makes Light’s skin prickle. “You…won’t use the Death Note again, right?”

This is one of those surreal moments, where Light feels as if someone’s just extracted all of his teeth and then had the nerve to pour a pot of boiling lemonade into his mouth. What in the actual fuck? It’s just like three years ago, isn’t it? Has everything really changed that little? Light takes a step back, because if he doesn’t, he’ll just sock L in the mouth. THAT would make it exactly like old times.

“I…are…you’re kidding.” Light says flatly, but he knows that L’s not because he’s a bastard through and through. And Light had fallen into his arms the other night. Fuck, well he’s an adult now. He won’t cry and kill himself over this. “You are such a little fucking bitch!”

Or, not. But, his eyes don’t feel moist. They burn with anger, and all of the blood has left his body.

“It was just a question!” L shouts defensively, jumping up to glare into Light’s face. Oh, well isn’t he just the biggest man on the block? Light’s teeth chatter with rage as L’s abyssal black eyes stare at him. Inside of him. “Don’t act as if I’ve just stabbed you, and I wasn’t accusing you of anything.”

“Oh, why? Because you didn’t add a Kira percentage this time?” Light laughs, the sound burning his lips. 

“Well, it’s a power that anyone could be swept up by.” Oh, well now he just sounds like a professor with too much air inside of his skull. “I just want to know if you’re okay, because I don’t want you-“

“Yes, L. You’ve caught me. I’m about to go on some mad killing spree because I’m insane now, aren’t I?” Light waves his hands, to show the intensity of his anger. “Should I start throwing feces at the wall and chanting to spirits?”

“Well, that’s just overdramatic.” L sniffs. “I wasn’t calling you a murderer.”

“But you think I could be a murderer!” Light shouts, because his filter is long gone. “This is just like old times, isn’t it? It’s all ‘I’ve changed’ and ‘I love you’ until I do something that displeases your great view of justice, isn’t it? And you know how guilty I feel for that, you asshole and YOU told me it was okay-“

“It is okay!” L gasps, as if Light’s the one loosing his mind. “It is, I was just asking…but fuck, I’m sorry I did!”

“You’re lucky I’m not really Kira.” Light tells him venomously, because he wants to have the last scathing remark that will destroy L for once. “Because you’ve just told me your full name.”

Light breathes heavily as if he’s just run a marathon and won. Victory fills his veins and he resists the urge to chuckle like he really has lost his mind. THERE! That’ll show L that he’s being ridiculous. It’ll show him that he’s a stupid, self-obseesed, unfeeling, uncaring-

But now L’s the injured party and he looks at Light with doe eyes, making the brunette feel as if he’s just set fire to L’s house. Well, he didn’t mean that he was going to use L’s name against him, but that’s obviously how the raven took it. Oh, well, this is just wondrous. Why can nothing ever end right? The black storm cloud quickly returns to hover over Light, and he sighs, staring blankly at the white hotel door.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I got mad, and I shouldn’t have said that.” 

All he gets in response is silence, which makes his soul shrivel even more.

“I didn’t mean it, L. I’d never kill you.”

“Yeah, I know.” But L sighs the words out, sounding meek and quiet and Light doesn’t like this one bit. They cannot go one day without someone tearing the other’s heart out, can they?

“Well, as long as you know…” Now Light sounds awkward, because he hasn’t had much practice with apologies in his later years. 

“I shouldn’t of insinuated that’d you’d ever use the Death Note again.” L returns. “That was wrong, and I understand why you’d feel upset, but I didn’t mean it that way-“

“I know.”

A thick silence falls over the two. Light wants to give L a huge to reassure himself that everything is alright, but the moment feels wrong. It feels like that damned roof, when they were saying good bye. The feeling creeps under Light’s skin like detestable little worms. Why can’t he ever find peace with the one person he cares about? Or, is that the whole point?

“I hope you have a good trip.” Light scratches the back of his head awkwardly, prepared to make a mad dash for the exit. The air felt as if it was slowly starting to crush him, and he didn’t want to make anything worse. He needed to leave L, before he lost his head. “I’ll talk to you later, alright?” His heart breaks slightly, but he can’t show it. It’s his own. 

But a hand suddenly clamps around his wrist, and Light frowns. It’s his left wrist, which he absolutely detests people touching. It’s his own, and no one should ever lay their hands on that area. How disrespectful. But, he looks up and sees that’s L’s obsidian eyes are large with panic.

“Don’t leave, because of some silly little fight.” L ordered. “I’ll get a taxi and take you home.”

“Erm…L? Can you let go of me?” Light mumbled, perturbed, as his muscles felt hard as stone. The detective’s grip was still as bruising as it had ever been, and the scariest part is that Light didn’t even think the man knew what he was doing. But, L did comply with his request and let his arm fall back to his side. Light glared down at the limb, and tried not to rub it.

“And, I don’t need a taxi.” He dismissed. “I’ll just take the train.”

“No, I don’t want you to leave like this.”

“Like what? L, I’m fine-“

“No, I want to take you back to your house so just let me do that!”

Light sighs, L is really going to make this harder than it has to be isn’t he? The longer they drag it out, the worse it’s going to hurt when L leaves. Light just wants to leave before he can convince himself to go with L. He wants to go back to his house, and hide under his covers for a few days to repair his wailing heart. 

But, when L gets like this Light knows that unwillingness is pointless. L’s voice has reached that particular volume which means if he wants something, then he will get it.

“Okay.” Light nods his head, allowing L to take his jaw between his fingers and study him. “But, you know taking me to my house isn’t going to make leaving any easier.”

L’s round, dark, charcoal eyes close and he allows himself a whisper of a smile.

“And when would leaving you ever be easy?”

It really was ridiculous, that L had ordered him to stay for the taxi ride when the small car was so cramped. Light felt like he was in some kind of clown car, and he had to undo the top two buttons of his shirt just to feel like he could breathe. He wondered if this was how lobsters in those restaurant tanks felt. Light didn’t like feeling like a lobster. 

When the car had arrived, the driver had made a fat fuss about anyone sitting in the passenger seat. Apparently, that was where his wife was sitting, who was dead he told the. This made Light immediately think that riding in this vehicle was a bad idea, because he did not want to be driven around by someone seeing spirits. But L had dismissed all of worst possible scenarios by saying if they waiting for a new car, they would be late. So here they all sat, Mello and Matt where in the middle of the two men and practically on each other’s laps, Near WAS on L’s lap, and Light sat with his arms stiffly at his sides. The whole car smelt like rotten milk and for the first time in his life, Light felt car sick. 

Well, he did throw up out of a car after his false execution, so maybe the second time in his life.

“Can we get lunch before we get on the plane?” Matt asked, his voice sounding much too loud for Light’s oversensitive ears. “Airplane food bites.”

“We won’t have time.” L grumbled. “Don’t be picky.”

“Light,” Great, now Mello was addressing him. He knew what the blonde was going to ask, the same thing he had been all morning. “are you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

Well, how did he know he was going to be asked that?

“I’m sure.” Light replied curtly, studying the moving houses outside of his window. The brown and cream colors blended with the grass, almost making it look as if it was so abstract swirl that millionaires would pay thousands for to hang in their art museums. They were almost to his house. “I’ll probably have work this summer, anyway.”

“What kind of work?” Mello prodded. Oh, look a small poodle. 

“I might help my dad out with a few cases.”

“Lame.” Mello chortled, though his voice sounded an inch away from reaching fury. “Just work with L on his cases.”

“Mello, leave him alone.” L sighed. There! At least one person was on his side. Light would’ve relaxed into his seat, but there really was no room to do so. Was it hot in here?

“But L!” Mello whined. “At least tell me you two are back together?”

Light and L met each other’s gazes from over the children’s head. Were they? Light didn’t even know what that would mean. Was it possible to love someone but not know if you wanted to be with them forever? Was it possible to be so wary of someone you were supposed to cherish? Light felt like he was in some kind of marriage proposal, even though Mello’s inquiry hadn’t of been that serious. His brain swirled with colorful emotions and Light resisted the urge to close his eyes tight. Loving L was like riding a roller coaster, and Light didn’t know if he wanted to stay on for another ride. Did this car somehow get smaller?

“We’re here.” The taxi driver huffed out, saving them which raised the respect Light had for the man a tiny bit. He wasted no time yanking open the door, but nearly tumbled out when he did. Fresh air! Light almost felt like kissing the ground, before he remembered who he was. He stretched his aching muscles just to feel the emptiness around him, and peaked back inside of the taxi. Everyone’s faces, save for the taxi drivers because he was already putting new coordinates into his gps, looked at Light as if this was the last time they were going to see him. Like he had just been drafted and was now being sent off to war. He looked into L’s mournful obsidian orbs, which was a mistake, because he felt his heart pause and he swallowed unsteadily. This wasn’t fair. He hated how L’s eyes were stained with regret.

“Thanks for the ride.” Light scratched the back of his head, even though he really wished he had just walked. 

“Your welcome.” L nodded, because it was the right thing to say but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “And you have my number, right?”

“I do.” Light told him, because he had allowed L to put his contact information inside of his phone. He didn’t know when, or if, he’d use it though.

“Light! Please don’t go!” Mello suddenly wailed, catapulting himself out of the car and grabbing onto Light’s waist tightly. Light felt himself pale, really? Mello felt like some waist chain around himself, and he did not like it one bit. Why was Mello acting as if Light was breaking up with him?

“Mello…” Light sighed, half patting and half trying to wrench the blonde child away from him. “I…erm….I’ll see you later, okay?”

“But you have to come back!” Mello mumbled into his shirt. “Otherwise my mission will have failed, and I’ll get grounded!”

“Mello!” L barked. “You’re one year away from being an adult for God’s sake, please act like it!”

“Mells….” Matt trailed off awkwardly, and he got out of the car too! He wrapped his arms around Mello, and Light felt like he was sinking into quicksand. What was this? He really didn’t want to participate in some group hug outside of his house, Because Light Yagami did not do hugs. Not officially, anyway.

“It’ll be okay.” Matt soothed the blonde. “If you get grounded, then I will too and we’ll be in it together.”

“No one’s getting grounded.” L sighed from inside the car, and Light thanked his lucky stars that L hadn’t joined in on his farewell hug. Because then Light would’ve cried. 

“Yeah Mello…your, um…mission was successful in a way.” Light ground out, looking at anywhere but L. “L and I are talking again, and I’m not saying we’ll never get back together.”

“Then why not just get back together now!?” Mello hissed, ripping himself away from Light to put his hands on his hips. Light gulped, he should start running now.

“Because.” Light massaged his temples, feeling that pesky vein flare up again. “That’s not how life works. I have to think, about a lot of things. This isn’t as simple as-“

“Whatever.” Mello sulked, suddenly pushing past Matt and climbing back inside of the car. Light pitied L for a moment. “That’s just wuss talk for you’re indecisive.”

Light opened and shut his mouth, and glared at the blonde head in the car. He wasn’t indecisive! He was Light Yagami, he knew everything about everything! He was in control of his own life, and he knew how to make decisions!

He just didn’t quite know what decision he was going to make yet.

“…..” Light breathed out through his nose, suddenly feeling the weight of the world upon his shoulders. 

“Well, bye.” Matt broke the silence, giving him a small wave and climbing back into the car.

“Bye.” Light repeated, bending down a tad bit to peer at L. The man was no longer looking at him, instead he found his own window to be of great interest. That just made Light’s stomach clench. “Bye L.”

“Goodbye, Light-kun.” L’s voice sounded dead, just as how it always did while L was putting up his detective facade. Shit, he had used honorifics. He never did that anymore. The last time Light remembered the ‘kun’ being at the end of his name was…..during the Kira case, when L really didn’t like him. He hated the way that his name sounded like a bad word coming from L’s mouth.

Light loitered outside of the car for a moment longer, screaming internally at himself to pull away. But, also screaming at himself to climb back into the car, kiss L as if he was the last man alive on earth, and agree to accompany him to wherever he went. Light suddenly wanted that so badly, that it made his heart thump inside of his chest with a passion. He never wanted to let L go. He didn’t want to be alone again. It would be so easy, easier than walking back into his house. 

But, maybe Light didn’t know how to do easy anymore. 

So since there were no other words to say, Light turned away. He heard the car door click shut behind him but he kept walking. He heard the engine rev and he heard the car rumble off into the distance, but he kept walking. The only time he turned back was when he looked back towards the empty street, because he knew that L wouldn’t be there. And he needed the emptiness, for once.

L sat in a stiff plastic chair, waiting for the robotic overhead voice to tell him his gate was boarding. Matt was wailing about his DS, but since L’s head had been in a tizzy he didn’t think to go into Light’s house and grab the game for him. Oh, well. He had told Matt that he would buy him a new one. He didn’t care. He just didn’t care.

He felt as if someone had just ripped his insides out. He felt as if he was watching the world in slow-motion, and that he was somehow dead. That the boys hadn’t told him yet that he was nothing but a mere corpse, and that he was still continuing to walk around among the living. 

He somehow felt like this was the end. 

Last night he had told himself he would let Light go. And he had meant it, because he really did want the brunette to be happy. But actually watching that other half of his soul walk away, it stung badly. Because maybe, even though he wouldn’t fully admit it to himself, maybe he had been hoping that Light would somehow come with him. Maybe he imagined it would be like a movie scene, and Light would have chased after the car and told L that he did want to come with him. Maybe he had hoped that Light would fall into his arms and confess his undying love for the other man. 

But hope was a bloody cunt.

No, Light would’ve never done that. Light knew what he wanted, and at this moment in time, it wasn’t L. Light had somehow learned to be okay on his own. L envied that, he really did.

And as he kept discreetly checking his phone, he knew that hope was becoming fainter and fainter. Light wouldn’t call him, Light wouldn’t text him. Maybe last night had been a blip in their timeline. Maybe Light really had been saying goodbye. Maybe Light had left him just as he had left B, only in a much kinder way.

L felt his stomach grumble, for he hadn’t of even had the energy to consume any sugar, but he ignored it. 

His mind told him that he might never see Light again. And L was trying to force himself to be okay with that. Because, he would be okay with that. The world wouldn’t crash and burn if he never saw the other again. He would continue to solve cases, and he would continue to wake up every morning and eat his strawberry shortcake. There was nothing that could be done about it now, and L’s rational mind told him that, and he accepted it. But it still stung. It felt as if a trillion little cold needles had been shot directly into his heart.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” Mello exclaimed, clenching his hand into a fist. “Yes! I win again!”

“Whatever, it’s just dumb luck.” Matt sulked, for his own hand was shaped into a pair of scissors.

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!”

“Hey! You waited until I had done rock first before you did scissors!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Cheater!”

“L, can I go buy a bottle of water?”

“Dammit!” L hissed, clutching his hair between his fingers. His mind was swirling like some dark whirlpool, and he had had enough. “Can you all sit there silently? I’m not in the mood to have my patience tested anymore today!”

The wide-eyed stares the children shot him should’ve made him feel guilty, but since he was who he was, he felt nothing and leaned back into his chair. 

His life was just a series of closing doors, and L was tired of it. He missed who he was before, before the damned Kira case. It had taken more from him than anything else ever had, and he wished that Light could’ve been Kira so that the brunette was already dead. It was a morbid thought, but L let it fill his mind. He wished he would’ve never revived his heart, he wished that the organ had stayed cold and dead. He wished that he had never known what love was. Love was truly a curse. It was a disease that bled one dry until there was nothing more to give. Love would kill him, and L resented that.

Love wasn’t at all how the world portrayed it. Love was harsh, and love was pain. Love made one loose themselves, and act stupid and weak. Love was the thing that kept the world spinning, but would also one day destroy everything on the planet. Why had love even been created? For more suffering? L knew he had been much more successful before love had found it’s way into his life. He had been in control, he had been himself.

For a moment, he wished he was nothing more than a robotic voice on a computer. He wished that he could be L, not L. Lawliet. 

“Now boarding flight one thirty two.”

L stood up, despite his aching muscles, and said goodbye to Japan. The one country he hated more than England. He said goodbye to no one in it but Light, and turned on his heel. He said goodbye to the part of himself that he had forever left behind, and would never be able to get back. He said goodbye to everything, and followed behind his quiet children in silence. The silence was even louder than the church bells near Wammy’s house.

Sitting on his bed, which somehow now felt like it was made out of cement, Light sighed into his hands. His mother had questioned him on why he had come back instead of staying at his apartment, but Light had just said that he missed his old room. It was a flimsy excuse, one that he knew his mother didn’t buy, but she must have seen the sadness in his eyes and let it slide. 

It felt as if he had just been doused with ice cold water, and now someone was pressing a cattle rod into his heart. He missed L, so desperately that it made him want to cry and punch holes into his wall. Which he would’ve done, if he hd been a lesser man. He could control his violence, but not his heart.

He couldn’t control his heart at all when it came to L.

And he missed when his biggest troubles had been submitting an essay on time, or trying to prove that he wasn’t Kira. He missed control, and he missed feeling…normal. Because this wasn’t normal, this was chaos. It was dragging him under and shaping him into a new person, one that he hated. How could he allow someone to have this much control over him? How was his heart allowed to do these thing? How was being handcuffed to L easier than feeling like he had lost the man forever?

Oh, right. Because back then, he had believed L’s pretty lies.

It was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? That was a joke. That was something that was said to convince everyone that love was needed. But, it wasn’t really. He had never felt empty before L. He had thought about finding ‘true love’ or whatever, but he had been a young child obsessed with romance novels that they would read in english class. He hadn’t of known the meaning of love. He would never feel like himself again, because this feeling had ruined him. It might have been nice, if L had been his perfect companion. But, that hadn’t of happened. He hated L and he loved him, and he didn’t know how to reconcile the two. It was all just a mess. How could he clean up this mess?

He slumped onto his bed, but felt something digging into his backside. He groped around in his pockets, pulling out his phone and his wallet. Glaring at the objects, because he needed something to redirect his anger to, he nearly there them against his wall. But, he stopped and his breathing stilled when he saw a piece of crumbled and aged paper peaking out from his wallet.

It was the letter L had sent him three years ago.

He had wanted to throw out the letter when he had gotten it, he really did. He had wanted to burn it up until the paper was ash in his fireplace. He had wanted to erase all of the limp apologies or pathetic excuses he was sure that the letter offered. But, then it would forever remain a mystery. Light would never know what L had said to him in that letter. Plus, he had wanted to hold onto it as some morbid moment. It had been a stagnant piece of L, the only one he had had at the time. It had been his last connection to the man, and he knew that he would regret it if it was destroyed. So, he allowed himself to keep it securely tucked away. But, he had never wanted to read it. He knew that it would be like pandora’s box. Something that once he saw it, he would never be able to forget. He somehow knew that this letter was important, and he had resisted the temptation.

Until now. because, why did that matter anymore anyway? He had already accepted his love for L, so this couldn’t hurt. What had L said? Since he was already heartsick inside, this surely wouldn’t make things worse. Maybe, it would provide some clarity. 

So, with trembling fingers, he delicately pulled the small square of folded paper out to observe. It was weathered and rumpled, and had a small stain on the corner, but the words were all there. They were there, waiting for his eyes alone. It felt warm in his hands.

Dear Light-kun,

First off, I should say that I’m sorry. Not for everything I’ve done, because you already know you have my full repentance on that matter, but for this letter. I don’t know why I’m writing this. But, I’m drunk so that probably explains a lot. I shouldn’t be writing this while I’m inebriated, I know that. But the glass of whiskey I just had is convincing me that this is something I need to do, and I feel the need to listen. Maybe spirits will make me wiser, who knows? Isn’t it said that drunk words are more honest than sober ones? Maybe this will mean more. Or, maybe it will mean nothing.

I’ve royally fucked it all, and I miss you. Do I have any right to say that? Probably not, but I’ll say it anyway because this is my letter. I’ll wake up in the morning and still jiggle my wrist around, expecting to find the chain and you on the other side of it. Isn’t that foolish? I miss having you close, and I feel a gaping hole in my chest every day because of it.

I wish that you hadn’t of overheard me and Watari. No matter how selfish that sounds, it’s how I feel. But, if you hadn’t of found out I would’ve never told you. I would’ve let you remain in that ignorance. I think that that would’ve been bliss, for you. I never wanted you to hear those things, and I knew we could’ve been happy without my ugliness coming in to ruin it all. I miss the way that you used to tell me you loved me. Not so much with words, because anyone can say I love you. But you said it with your eyes, your touches, your heart. I could feel you beside me at night and almost feel the love radiating off of you. You used to look at me as if I was your world. I miss those milk chocolate brown eyes staring into my soul.

I would do anything to have you back, Light. Which sounds desperate, and I hate sounding desperate but it’s true. I would move heaven and earth, I would give up anything and everything just to have one last chance to talk to you and actually make you listen. If I could only get you to understand my heart, but...

Maybe I’m not understanding yours? I know what I did was horrible, I know that believe me. I was a monster. I hurt you in a way that no one ever should. I used you as if you were nothing, when you were my everything. I had an ex, who’s dead now, but he told me he loved me. I was young at the time, so I accepted it. Even though he would hit, and punch, and torment, and berate, and treat me as if I was his own personal punching bag, I still accepted his love. I thought that’s what love was. Letting someone treat you however they wanted, and still being there for them. I thought he had anger issues, and I thought that I was helping him. I guess I wasn’t very bright back then. Once, he told me that his love only hurt because of how strong it was. Is that what love is? I still haven’t figured it out, and I don’t think it ever will. My love for you hurt, when I thought you were Kira. My love for you hurt when I found out you were innocent. I think it just….

But no, there were moments of stillness where I forgot everything but you, and that was nice. At night, I would sit awake and trail my fingers down your perfect face...well that makes me sound like a creep. But it was then I realized I loved you, and I felt at peace. I forgot all of the rot inside of myself, and you replaced it with love. You were gentle, and soft, and loved me without question. That’s what true love is, I think. Loving someone with so much reckless abandon, that it doesn’t make sense. But it makes you complete.

Maybe I’m too far gone to be able to love you as you deserve. I really wish I had been the one you deserved though. You deserve everything in life, Light. And I hope you remember that. I hope that this won't turn you cold, and cruel. I hope that you won’t forget that goodness inside of yourself. I hope you won’t forget the goodness you saw inside of me. The goodness you thought I possessed. Do you still believe it? That under every hideous lie and sinister thought, I still have some purity? That i still have some godliness? I wish you could tell me that I was a good person. Even if it was a lie, i’d still believe it if it came from your lips. I think sometimes you know even better than me.

Be not afeard. The isle is full of noises, sounds, and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not. A line from the tempest, that has never made as much sense to me as it does now. You are my island, Light. You are the thing that could’ve saved me.

But the last time you looked at me, I knew I could no longer be saved. You could no longer be saved. It was like I had destroyed the world and then offered you a flower. I can’t go back, I wish I could, so I could tell you one last time that I loved you, and you would know that I meant it. But, I understand that you cannot trust me anymore. Could you ever again?

That day in the bathroom, I know you won’t want to hear this, but I was angry. I was angry at myself, and I was finally afraid of what I was capable of. I didn’t think I would ever break you, to the point of death. I thought that I would send you off to your death, and you would fight it the whole way there. But seeing you on that floor, it was like you had already given up. That goodness in you was overpowered by my ill intentions, and it was like nothing of you was left. I saw myself on that floor, I saw what I had done. I wanted to protect you in that moment. You looked so small. But how could I protect you from myself? I realized that….well, I realized that day that nothing I had done was right. I had done it because I knew I could. I had done it to come out victorious. 

But there was no victory to be had in all of that blood. There is no pride to be had in breaking a person who had truly loved you. 

Oh Light, I can almost imagine you reading this. The perfect pink lips sticking out into a pout and your eyes narrowing as you scoff to yourself that these are more pretty lies. Will you even read this? Maybe you shouldn’t. But I want you to. I just want you to love me again, Light.

I know I can be selfish, and destructive, and evil, and narcissistic, and cunning, and terrifying to be around, but I just wish there was something I could say to make it right. I wish that those three lovely words would erase everything, but they would just sound hollow and empty coming from me.

But if you do read this, and I have no right to ask, but please write me back. I left a return address, which I never do because no one should know where I am residing, but I need you to know. Even if you just write to tell me to go to hell, I still want to read your words. I still want a piece of you.

I guess I do have one thing of you left, though. You’ll hate me for this, but maybe it will make you laugh. After you left Headquarters, your father took all of your clothes back. But, I kept the black cardigan you always wore. It was a rotten thing to do, because I know how much you wore that cardigan, but it smelt like you. It felt like you, and I couldn’t let it go. I slept with it, those first few nights without you. And I imagined you were in it, and you were telling me that everything was going to be okay. It was also the sweater you wore that night we watched the lion king. I told you it was my favorite movie as a child, and you had never seen it so I wanted to indulge you. Really, I just wanted an excuse for you to sit on my lap so that I could play with your hair, but it was nice. It’s one of those rare happy memories we have together. For almost two hours, I didn’t think of all of the ways I could manipulate and coerce you, I just watched the cartoon lions and hugged you tight. 

I love you, I have to say it once. Okay? I love you so, so much. I love everything about you, even the way that you don’t finish the whole yogurt container and the way it takes you two and a half years to get ready in the morning. I love the way your eyes narrow in annoyance, and that fire of self-righteousness enters them. I love the way you can read me and call me out like no one else can, or would even dare to. And I love the way you breathe softly at night, and how sometimes when I would wake up you would be cuddled on top of me as if I was your own personal teddy bear. I love the way your eyes light up and your nose crinkles when you laugh. I love it when you laugh. 

And most of all, I miss the quiet moments when it was just you and I. I miss when nothing else mattered more than you and I, together in that bed. I miss closing my eyes, and knowing that you’d still be there even if the chain wasn’t holding you in place. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that again, but I want to.

I love you, and I pray with all of my might, I hope beyond reason, that maybe you’ll write me back. Just a single word is all I need Light. I just need to know you haven’t forgotten me. I miss what we could’ve had, and I just wish I could have told you that I had fallen for you sooner. I wish I would’ve been better. Please, forgive me.

-L

Light hadn’t of even realized he was crying until a splotch of wetness landed on L’s name, and mussed the ink. What? How could L say those things? How could he retain the love he felt for Light, even after all of this time? How could he say those things, but then leave? How could he have ruined Light and built him back up?

The paper shook inside of his hands, and he felt as if he was made of glass. Shiny, clear, delicate glass.

The bed felt like it was lurching beneath him, and the strangest sensation filled his heart. He wanted those words to pass from L’s lips. He wanted the man to hold him tight, and whisper all of those sweet nothings into his soul. He wanted L to break him and the put him back together with those delicate fingers of his. He wanted to be the one L wanted. He needed it. He needed L’s love.

“Light?” At this moment, he had realized that he had left his bedroom door open and his mother’s concerned face was now peering in. Her eyes took in his appearance, and she must have seen the tears glistening in his broken eyes. “Are you okay.”

“Mhmm.” Light made a noise in the back of his throat, quickly taking the piece of paper and shoving it under himself. But of course his mother had seen it, because she was not blind and hiding it away had just made the contents of that paper more suspicious.

“What’s that?”

Light coughed, and brought a finger to swipe at the stray tears still stuck to his eye ball. The pad of his finger brushed the softs part of his eye and he shuddered, blinking rapidly. “Nothing.”

“Light…” Now his mother sounded sad, and crossed the room to sit on his bed. Light felt all of the air deflate from him when his Mother’s shoulder brushed his. “You can tell me anything, you know that right?”

Light nodded, but the movement was meaningless.

“I don’t want to pry, but you’re obviously upset. I just want to be here for you, honey. If something’s the matter, I want to be able to help.”

“It was a letter.” His voice sounded scratchy, and foreign inside of his own ears. His heart was caught between waves of longing and waves of hurt. “From….L. He sent it three years ago, but I only just read it now.”

Silence enveloped the room, and Light wasn’t surprised. Sachiko hated L. She hated L even more than he did, at one point. She had been bound and determined to destroy him, to sue him for everything he was worth. It had only been by miracle that Light had convinced his mother to lay down her pitchfork. But, she never made her disgust of the detective a secret. Every time his name would pop up on the news, she would sneer and quickly change the channel. Every time his father would reminisce about the Kira case, his mother would snap out something nasty and leave the room. L was akin to satan in Sachiko’s eyes, because he had dared to hurt her son. 

It wasn’t surprising, and in a horrid way his mother’s bitterness touched his heart. She was only being protective, after all. She loved Light, so any one who dared touch him was automatically her worst nightmare. Her enemy. But, Light didn’t exactly want to be told how awful of a person L was in this moment. He already knew.

“He just can’t leave you alone, can he?” She spat. “I should’ve set him straight when he walked into my house. Can you imagine? The NERVE of that man! How on earth he is allowed to take care of those precious kids?”

“Mom.” Light sighed tiredly. “It’s not like that. This was an apology, he was asking for forgiveness.”

“He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.”

“Maybe not.” Light paused, and bit his cheek. “But…is it wrong that I want to give it to him?”

“Why?”

Well, Light didn’t know. He did, but he didn’t know how to put it into words. His mother’s question was the question any sane person would ask. 

“I….I love him.”

Sachiko suddenly wrapped her arm around Light and pulled him in. His heart skipped, and he felt his eyes burn all over again. She held him close, because she did love him. His mother’s love was what love was supposed to be, right? Not this, not all of this mess? But he felt all of the love, every single kind and there wasn’t a thing he could do to stop it. 

“It doesn’t make sense, but it’s like a part of me that I can’t let go of.” Light mumbled, to no one in particular. He was just musing aloud, and staring at the blank blue wall in front of him. 

“I wish that I could do the smart thing, the rational thing. I wish that I could do the only thing that’s ever made sense. Being loveless and unfeeling and uncaring is all I’ve ever known. Until I met him, and for a short while that did make sense. But then it didn’t, but then it does again and I just-“ Light stops and sucks in a deep breath, because he really doesn’t know where he’s going with this.

“I love him so deeply that I feel like nothing matters and everything is pointless when he’s gone. And I just live because I’m supposed to, because the story isn’t over yet, because I want something more. He is my something more, and he gives me a reason to want to see good weather. He makes the world make sense and he makes me feel less alone. And, isn’t that what love is? Being with a person, even if they aren’t right for you, because you just can’t stand the aloneness? Don’t I deserve that?”

Light wanted to deserve that. He wanted L’s arms around him again, because he didn’t appreciate them enough the last time he had been held in that warm embrace. When his stomach had twisted and his skin had felt electrocuted, and all he had felt was love. That L was telling him that it was going to be okay, and that no matter what had happened, he loved him. That warmness had seeped into his body, and he had tried to fight that feeling, even though he craved it. It filled him. He loved L, every part of him. Even the lies weren’t enough to make him let go. 

He just wanted L. Even when he was without him, and could pretend to everyone else that he was fine, he knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t himself. Maybe he was better, but he didn’t need to be a perfect person. He just needed whatever L gave him. L could even turn the pain and the suffering into something beautiful, something that was just for him. 

The light inside of him was nearly extinguished without L’s presence. He could feel the weight of his soul when L was gone. He needed to hear the chirping of the birds, and feel the softness of flower petals beneath his finger tips. He wanted L so badly that it drove him mad. It made him want to run away and hide, and blow his brains out. It made his chest feel tight and his inside clash together. But, it also kept him sane. Because to know that there was a person out there that Light loved that much, that made him feel complete. L was the closed chapter of his life, the thing that would help him to rest easy. 

He no longer wanted to live without L. He wanted him close, always. Even if there were fights, even if there was suffering, he could handle it. L was everything Light was destined for, he was his fate. If he was to die one day, he wanted his final resting place to be inside of L’s arms. 

“You do deserve happiness, you do deserve love.” His mother whispered. “But, are you sure it’s with him?”

“Yes.” It couldn’t possibly be with anyone else. 

“Then you should let yourself be happy. You are the most deserving of it then anyone else I know, Light. I want you to be successful, and happy, and all of the good things that come along with being loved. Even if I don’t….like that man, I respect your judgement. And above everything else, I care about your feelings. I want you to be okay.”

Light listened to his mother’s words, his heart slowly repairing himself. He finally knew what he wanted. And it felt so GOOD to be in control of his life again, of his emotions. Even if he couldn’t erase the damage, he had the power inside of himself to shape it into something beautiful. 

“And, I understand.” His mother told him softly, making Light look up. Her own face was dripping with tears and her lips cracked into a beautiful smile, one that told Light she did understand. “I understand how love can make a person crazy. But, it heals them. It’s the most wondrous and amazing thing in all of the universe. Even though my parents disapproved of your father, I didn’t care. Because I needed him, and he was the only one I needed. He was my other half and….you should never live your life half full.”

“L is my other half.” Light told his mother, slowly standing up to wipe away the few lone tears that had made their way down his face. He took her hands inside of his, and gave her what could be called a genuine smile. The first smile he had felt affect him in such a way for a while.

She nodded. “Whatever happens, you keep that love inside of you. It’s all we’ve got.”

The phone rang and rang and rang. The obnoxious tittering that meant that the line was being waited on annoyed Light, and he absently scratched his shoulder. He paced around his darkened room, and tried not to silently curse. His stomach fluttered with butterflies born of anxiousness, and he flicked on his desk lamp to have something to do. This was a momentous moment, and he was fully wired. He needed to hear that voice, he needed to tell L that it was okay. Because, maybe, it finally was.

“Light?”

Light sighed in relief, he was still there. “I read your letter.”

“What lett-oh, the one from three years ago?” Light could hear the way L gulped loudly, and his smile grew. “Look, if it made you upset-“

“I’ll never forget three years ago, and I can’t promise that I’ll ever fully forgive you.” Light told him, sitting down into his chair and jolting slightly when it sunk down. He chewed on his bottom lip carefully, not wanting the skin to split. “But I love you.”

Silence came from the other line, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. THAT had not been the response he was expecting. Had L hung up? Or been disconnected? “Hello?”

“I’m…here.” L managed, and Light heard a faint yell in the background. And then the jingling of…bells?

“Where are you?”

“Layover in Germany but….Light? What are you saying?”

Light flipped a pencil in between his fingers. What he was about to say was long overdue, but it was still frightening. It was a whole new element, one he wasn’t sure he was prepared for. But it was a necessary step, one he knew he had to take. “I want to come with you, wherever you are. Where did you say it was again? America? Can I still come?”

“Of course you can. I-I can get you a flight tomorrow!” L sounded breathless. “But…are you…MATT! Put down that shot glass, you’ll break it! Light, are you sure?”

Light sighed to himself, a sound of contentment. He paced over to his balcony, and pushed open the doors. He stared up at the bright moon, which tonight appeared yellow. It filled him with silence as the breeze whispered pretty promises inside of his ear. He heard the crickets singing, and sunk onto his elbows. He closed his eyes and allowed the moonlight to bathe him. Everything was good.

“L, I’m tired of always being apart from you. I want this more than life itself. I want to finally be okay, with you.”

The future could hold whatever it wanted to. Everything could crash and burn, and him and L would surely have more fights. Maybe they would break up again, or maybe they would die old and happy. Maybe an asteroid would hit the earth tomorrow, or maybe a zombie apocalypse would suddenly rise. Maybe nothing exciting would happen, and maybe every day would be filled with adventure. But Light didn’t want to miss any of it.


	28. Always Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, wow. The final chapter ever!! This is surreal, this is insane, my heart is crying ahhhh! What is happening, I don’t even know?? This is fluff to the maximum, which was actually surprisingly hard for me to write, but I pulled through;) Also, smut scene warning...I wanted to post the chapter today, on Light’s birthday. Happy Birthday to my favorite boy, the only mass murderer I stan. The number twenty-eight has surprisingly and unexpectedly become a rather symbolic number to this story. The first chapter was posted on the twenty-eight of December, and the last chapter is being posted today. February twenty-eighth. Also, there are twenty-eight chapters. Gah, why do I love that number so much?? Who knows.
> 
> And look at me, naming a chapter after a song again. Always Forever by the Cults is my happy/sad song, and I thought it fit:)
> 
> I just want to say a humungous, large, joyous thank you to every single person who read my fic! You all are the best readers I ever could have asked for. I was happy when one person commented, and I never imagined that I would get the feedback that I did. All of your lovely, sweet, amazing comments would always go straight to my heart and make me blush like a mad-man. I am so, so happy and honored that so many of you enjoyed how I wrote the characters, and the story that I was able to create. You all are the loveliest humans ever, and I am eternally grateful for your support.
> 
> Real talk, this experience has changed my life. I started writing back in November, when I was considering leaving this world. 2020 was an incredibly hard year for me in my personal life, and everything felt bleak. Writing gave me something to live for. And all of your support and encouragement…it brought something back in me that I thought had died. Knowing that people out there loved what I did, and appreciated me for my work, it was one of the loveliest feelings ever. This was also a way to process my own feelings. This L was loosely based on my ex, who broke my heart into small little pieces. Though, I would say the L I wrote turned out to be better than them. Most of the emotions Light felt is exactly how I felt, and it was therapeutic to be able to put all of those muddled feelings out into the world. And all of you encouragements spurred me on, and made me WANT to finish this book. You lovely viewers have put purpose into my life, and this story helped repair something inside of me. I’ll never be able to thank you all enough for what you’ve done for me, your support means more than you’ll ever know:') I don’t feel so alone in the world anymore, so thank you for that.
> 
> And many thanks to my sibling, who helped me add and write so many incredible scenes. Many of the awesome and fabulous nightmare scenes wouldn’t of been possible without them, and they helped me not to loose faith. Here’s to you!
> 
> Okay, enough sad talk. But not really. Because, this is a very sad moment. This is the first fan fiction I’ve ever finished!! There may be some more oneshots that I’ll write for this universe, because I’m not quite ready to let go:’) So look out for those, and some future fan fiction ideas I have in mind! No promises, because I might become busier since I am now looking for work, but I do not want to stop writing.
> 
> I’ll shut up now, I swear. But thank you all once again. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your reads and comments and kudos. I love you all so very dearly, and I hope you enjoy today’s chapter!(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Light buttoned up his suit jacket, and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked good, obviously. He looked like a ruler of the world, the very air around him was coated in importance. He tilted his chin up like a proud peacock and allowed his eyes to roam over his body. He was wearing an all black suit, that fit him like glove. The jacket elongated his torso and curved over his broad shoulders eloquently. The fit of the suit was slim, and it hugged his body in all of the right places. Giving himself a tiny spin, he approved of how he looked. This was his graduation ceremony, after all. And even though he had not seen any of the other students, he was quite confident that he would be the best dressed there. 

The suit was Givenchy, and yes, it had been ridiculously expensive and indulgent. But L, being the rich bastard that he was, had bought it for him. Light had made a show of protesting and saying that he wasn’t going to wear it because he wasn’t a sugar baby. They had been staying in New York City at the time when the suit was delivered, and as soon as Light had held it inside of his hands, the protests had died in his throat. He knew there was no way he wouldn’t wear it. A suit this fabulous was fit for only someone like him. And as soon as L had become bossy and ordered Light that he was to show up in this or nothing at all, that had sealed the deal.

It was also L’s little way of saying sorry that he wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony. The case he was currently working on was quite gruesome, so L had to stay back in the states to tie up all of the loose ends. Light didn’t blame him, though. Work was obviously more important than a school function. While yes, he had graduated college and yes it was a huge honor, he didn’t see the big deal. Passing college had been as easy for him as putting on his oxfords. It was just a show to pat all of the students on the back for their ‘hard work’ and crippling debt. Even though, once again, L had decided to pay off every single one of Light’s student loans. Not that he had many, given that he had sailed through his last four years on a multitude of scholarships. 

And L and his family, that was a storm that was constantly brewing. When his father had found out of him and L, from Sayu’s loud mouth, he had been horrified that Light would never settle down and have a family. He had asked him what had happened to Kiyomi. What had happened to Kiyomi? Well, Light had moved out of his apartment despite her protests that they could make it all work. Because, no, they really couldn’t. She had stayed single through the rest of college, claiming that she and Light were ‘taking a break’. If that’s what she wanted to call never getting back together, Light would bite. Luckily, she had’t of spread any rumors about him because that wasn’t her style. She fought her battles with sweet looks and compliments, but Light just simply ignored them.

His father also hadn’t been pleased that it was L of all men, because he was still ruffled from the way he had conducted the Kira case. But, once his father had found out that Light had never wanted to have children in the first place, he had settled down a little bit. Light had humored him and gone fishing with his father, and they had had a long talk. His father had asked him why he was gay, Light said he didn’t like labels and he only liked L, and his father had huffed and said ‘as long as you don’t get any diseases.’ Charming, really. At least he hadn’t of disowned Light and told him he was a stain on the family tree. Surprisingly, most of his father’s disappointment came from the fact that it was L, not just another man. While he could tell that his father still disapproved, Light was the perfect son to him in every other way so he would allow this to slide. Also, the fact that he was working with the world’s greatest detective was a bonus that his father also appreciated.

His mother still despised L though. She had tried to put up a good front, Light had to give her credit where it was due. She had suggested that L come stay for Christmas, as a sort of white flag. Light had been horrified, and immediately rejected the idea. But, since his mother was just as stubborn as him, she had gone behind his back and contacted L herself. L, not wanting to sour her tentative goodwill decided to go behind Light’s back and come anyway. Light had been furious this his wishes were denied, but L had bought him a rather expensive cologne for a present so he let it slide. Light could forgive an apology if it was good enough, but he would never forget.

So, yes, Christmas had been horrid. His mother had acted as if L was a rabid dog that she had been forced to take home from the shelter. The two had exchanged pleasant remarks, which were just insults that weren’t supposed to sound like insults, and had mostly avoided one another. His father had had the nerve to ask L what his intentions with his son were, and L had then downed a whole bottle of wine. Which had caused him to throw up the lovely feast Sachiko prepared. Which went over as well as one could expect. Sayu and L had traded embarrassing secrets about Light, and then they had both forced him to watch Frosty the Snowman. Scathing looks and curled lips were the constant expression of most of the guests, and Light, for once, had been glad when L had flown back to England. On the phone later, the two decided that family holidays just weren’t in the cards for them. 

Light had still not visited England, though, and he was wary to do so. Over the last year, the two had maintained a relationship that consisted of emails, phone calls, skye’s, and the occasional plane ride to whatever location L had chosen to solve a case in. And that had seemingly worked, besides the little tiffs of ‘why didn’t you call me back?’ and ‘No L, you can’t sleep with a suspect to get a confession! That’s still cheating!’ Light just wasn’t ready to travel to where L had grown up. That seemed like the biggest step of all in their relationship, and Light knew how many bad memories were there for the detective. Maybe one day, but not today.

“Wowie, you look like some kind of model!” Ryuk chortled, because yes the shinigami still hung around. Light had accepted that he was to be haunted for the rest of his life, because Ryuk refused to go back to his homeland. It wasn’t all bad, though. Sometimes he and the demon would have deep, insightful talks about human nature and the history of the world. When Ryuk wanted to, he could be very wise. Plus, if given enough apples, Light could convince Ryuk to go spy on L and keep him out of trouble. It had been fun to confront L with knowledge he should’ve never known about, before the raven had caught on.

“I look powerful.” Light corrected, smoothing down his soft brunette locks and the mussing them up so he looked effortlessly sexy. “NOT like some mere human coat rack.”

“Sheesh, it was a compliment.” Ryuk griped, flying over to lounge in his desk chair. “Can I have one of those apples?”

Light’s eyes rolled as he saw the shinigami’s talon point towards the fruit bowl sitting on his desk that his mother had brought up. “Go nuts.” He never understood why Ryuk was so obsessed with the fruit. Blueberries were better, in his opinion. Strawberries too. Especially when he could eat them off of-

A loud rapping at his door suddenly jolted him out of his erotic musings. “Come in.” He grumbled, thinking that it was probably his mother trying to come in a fret about his hair again. She thought that it could use a little trim, but it was barely touching his shoulders and his bangs weren’t even clouding his vision THAT much. Plus, L liked his hair longer so that he could run his fingers through the brown locks. And Light liked it when he did that.

Light soon hard a sharp intake of breath. “Well I’ll be damned.” L whistled. “My incredible deductions have been right again, you look absolutely devastating Light-kun.”

Light’s heart leapt as he looked into his mirror and saw the reflection of L leaning against the door frame. The man’s eyes were wide, and he was looking Light over as if he was a dog looking at a particularly juicy stake. What shocked Light even more than L’s sudden and unexpected presence, however, was the fact that the other man was wearing a suit. What? Light had only ever seen L in a white tee shirt and jeans. And, of course, in his birthday suit. And wow, did the other look incredible like that. The suit was dark grey, and he had paired it with a black as night tie. It fit perfectly, and really defined the other’s slim figure. It made the other look absolutely dashing, like he was a respected member of some elite organization that sacrificed the souls of the innocent to stay powerful. Damn, his mouth went dry. 

“I thought you weren’t coming.” Light spoke into the mirror, and he saw the smirk creep upon his lips.

“I said that only to surprise you, of course.” L shrugged, making his way over to stand behind Light. The other’s breath ghost across his neck, earning a sharp shiver from the brunette.

“Liar.” Light breathed out, and L’s lips softly pressed a kiss down onto his neck.

“That I am.”

“And you’re wearing a suit.” Light pointed out the obvious, watching as L straightened up and sent him his own impish smirk.

“Still as sharp as ever, are we?”

“Yuck.” Ryuk suddenly sniffed, reminding everyone in the room of his presence. Ryuk was a very obnoxious entity, one that was large and hard to forget. But L and Light found a way, somehow. “This looks a little too lovey-dovey for my liking, I’m out.”

“Well.” L sighed, thumping his chin down on Light’s shoulder as he looked up at the other dreamily. “He’s always a delight to see.”

“Just be glad you don’t have to listen to him every day.” Light grumbled. 

“Mmm, I’d be able to. If you thought about what I suggested.”

Light sighed, averting his gaze from the mirror and walking over to his bed. He had done enough preening, and he was adequately groomed for success. “I have been thinking about it.”

“And?” 

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea.” Since Light was not bound by the constraints of school anymore, L had asked him to move to England. And, sure Light didn’t have to apply at the NPA. Theoretically, he could come live with L. But, would that be the wisest decision?

“Of course it’d be a good idea.” L scoffed, shoving his hands in his pocket. “We’d always be together.”

Light couldn’t hold back his scornful gaff at that, and raised one perfectly tweezed eyebrow. “And you don’t see any problems with that?”

“I don’t like it when you leave.” L grumped. “Sure, we’d fight sometimes-“

“A lot.” 

L sent him a glare, before moving over to join him on the bed. “But isn’t that part of the magic?”

“L, fighting with you is like fighting with a wall.” Light laughed, leaning his head against the other’s shoulder. L smelled clean, like fabric softener. Like he always did. At least L was consistent in smelling good. Except for that one time when they didn’t leave the bed for an entire weekend. But, no one talked about that. “Actually, a wall would probably be more willing to apologize after realizing it was wrong.”

“I apologize.” L defended, gently flicking him on the forehead. Light grimaced, that better not have left a mark! He couldn’t have any imperfections on his face, because surely a multitude of photos were to be taken today. 

“Yeah, nine times in the course of our whole relationship.”

“You kept count?” L sounded offended, but impressed. Light smiled, he aimed to please.

“Yep.” He popped his lips.

“….I think you’d like England though.” L mused.

“Would I?” Light closed his eyes. The weather in England wasn’t always the most pleasant, and he knew L lived in the countryside. And Light didn’t know if he’d like being that far away from modernization. There was a certain charm to the city. It made him feel as if he belonged, as if he was important. The city was convenient, and he loved riding the train and walking past the tall skyscrapers. It made him feel like the main character in a very important novel. And L still lived at Wammy’s, which Light didn’t get since it was an orphanage for children. L was rich enough to buy a mansion, in multiple countries if he so pleased. 

“You would also be able to work for me.”

Light made an incoherent grumbling noise under his breath. “God, that’d be worse.” He complained. “And, if I was going to do anything, I’d work WITH you. I’m not having you boss me around.” L already had too big a head for Light’s liking, and he wouldn’t stand for someone ordering him around. Light Yagami GAVE orders, not the other way around.

“Okay, then. With me.” L grumbled, wrapping a hand around Light’s head and kissing the side of his face softly. He was trying to butter Light up. Light smirked at the blatant trickery. 

“Wouldn’t we get into more fights?" Light pointed out. “I don’t approve of your methods, Lawliet.”

He could feel L stiffen when he used his real name, and the other man growled lowly. “Let’s turn it into a game then.” He whispered huskily, placing a hand on Light’s chest to push him downwards. His back hit the bed softly and he looked up through half-lidded eyes as L crawled un top of him. “If I cum first, you’ll work for me. If you cum first…I don’t know, you can choose your reward.”

Light swallowed thickly as L’s hand slowly began to loose his tie. “You’ll mess up my suit.”

“Fuck the suit, Light.” L rolled his eyes, shrugging off his own jacket. “I bought it to take it off of you, anyway.”

“But, graduation is soon-“ Light’s breath caught in his throat as his own jacket was tugged off of him and L started planting sloppy kisses on the side of his neck. The flesh tingled where the other’s lips had pressed down, and Light was having a hard time trying to come up with reasons why they shouldn’t do this. “T-this is my parents house, you pervert. What if someone hears?”

“When I got here, they were all going out to sit on the patio.” L told him, unbuttoning his shirt even more to lick slowly down Light’s chest. Light groaned as that sinful tongue left wetness behind, it was uncleanly but somehow that just made it all the more exciting. “And, don’t we remember how sound proof your room is? After last time? When I let you fuck me over your desk?”

Light smiled to himself, yes that had been a fun time. And L was certainly not a quiet individual when he was on the receiving end. Half of the papers on his desk had been destroyed afterwards, but Light hadn’t of cared. He had only cared about the bright red marks his mouth had left behind on the other’s back.

“I-If I win…” Light trailed off as he heard his own belt being undone. “You’ll have to buy a house and come live in Japan.” Yes, that would work nicely. Light had thought up the perfect scenario to end both of their troubles, and now was the perfect time to put that plan into action. Tit for a tat.

Quietly laughed, L started undoing his own belt and threw it to the floor with a loud thump. “I’d of probably done that anyway…but if you insist-“

“No, wait!” Light widened his eyes as he heard the metallic sound of his zipper being pulled down. He suddenly felt all of the blood run into his lower regions, and bit his lip. “If you were already going to do that, then that can’t be my reward! It has to be something…” He was cut off by his own gasp as he soon felt a cold hand softly grip his arousal. “…satisfying.” He finally ground out, laying his head back onto the pillow. “It has to mean something.”

“Well, think up whatever you want.” L smirked, leaning down to hotly whisper in his ear. “I know I’ll win.”

Light felt annoyance, but also a hot surge of arousal run up his spine at L’s cocky attitude. Light loved nothing more than when L would act like an over-confident bastard, only to swiftly knock him down from that pedestal. It was so fun, besting the man. And, sometimes, it was even fun when he failed. He would never admit this out loud, but sometimes he loved when L would look down at him with that smug smile and those eyes that would say ‘I told you so.’ It was a hidden pleasure, one Light would deny until he was dead. But, L probably already knew the affect he had on the other, anyway.

“You won’t win.” Light breathed out, as he shrugged out of his shirt. He made sure every article of clothing was now lying on the floor. He didn’t want to get bodily fluids over his very expensive suit, after all. He wished there was time to fold, but when L wanted sex then that was the only thing his mind was focused on. “If I win, you…you’ll have to give up sweets for a week.”

L looked quite disturbed by the idea, and his dark grey eyes widened in horror. He searched Light’s face, to see if he was joking. Light was not. “Why?” L asked testily, suddenly gripping the other’s chin.

“It’ll be fun.” Is all Light needs to say. “And you need to be healthier.”

“Fine.” L groans, taking this opportunity to flick his tongue out over Light’s tip, earning a moan. “But, I really don’t think you’ll win.”

“Not if you start off by sucking my dick.” Light mumbled, throwing his arms over his eyes to shield them from the light. “I’ll be closer to the edge than you are, I’ll have had too much stimulation.”

“So, you’re telling me you don’t want you dick sucked?” L asked incredulously, before enveloping the head inside of his lips. Though he moans and arches his back, Light vehemently shook his head.

“If this is to be a fair game,” He begins, gripping the comforter beneath him. “We have to start out at the exact same hardness.”

“Boy, you talk a lot for someone receiving a blowjob.” L mutters, but he does sit up and wipe at his mouth. “Also, for your information, I’ve been hard since I saw you in that suit.” And then, to prove his point, L brushes his own erection against Light’s thigh.

“Well…good.” Light utters out, reaching a blind hand out to open his bedside table and fumble inside. Once he finds the object of his desires, he pulls it out and presents it to the raven. “So, get to it then. I’m eager to see what you’ll eat when your precious sugar is taken away.”

“Which, will never happen.” L sing-songs, popping open the cap and letting some of the sticky fluid fall onto his fingers. “You have a condom?”

“Of course.” Light scoffs, digging around once more until he finds a packet. He’s not about to let this get any messier than it needs to be. 

“Then, prepare to loose.” L tells him huskily, sinking a very cold finger into him which elicits a gasp.

“Loose…isn’t a word that’s in my vocabulary.” Light told him through gritted teeth, closing his eyes and allowing all of the wonderful sensations to wash over him. That tell-tale heat reentered his stomach, and he could feel his lower muscles clench. The cool breeze from his slightly ajar balcony door blew softly over his warm skin. 

“Hm, is ‘slut’ a word that you know?” L whispers sweetly to him, leaning in to press a warm kiss to his already flushed with desire cheeks. “Because, right now you look like my perfect-“

“That’s not fair.” Light hisses, feeling the way that his body moves with reckless abandon. “You know how your…mph! Sweet…dirty…words affect me!”

“So, you don’t want to enjoy this at all?”

“I’ll enjoy it if I win.” Light smiles impishly, resisting the urge to reach up and nip at L’s exposed neck. They can’t have any tell-tale marks, after all. That would expose them to everyone, and Light likes their secrets much more. The fact that they are doing this while his entire family is waiting outside, waiting for the arrival of his grandparents and extended family, sends a thrill through his entire being. But, of course, they’ll get away with it. They always do.

“Hm, Light-kun always wants to win.” L nods knowingly, and Light is about to respond when the other adds another digit and rakes against his inner walls. “But I think that he quite likes loosing to me.”

“L, I never loose to you.” Light breathes out, even though they both know that it isn’t true. It’s just another one of their games, denying the glaringly obvious. Light has found that L is the only person willing to play this game with him. L is the only other person who will let Light spin him on his own personal merry-go-round. They’ll stay at a stalemate for eternity, one always trying to best the other. But, if they were honest about the small thing, then the game wouldn’t be nearly as enticing. The simple games are fun games. Light has learned to crave the small lies. 

Instead of responding, L just positions himself to go in for the kill, and looks up at Light through his dark lashes. Light gulps, but returns his gaze. Eagerly. Telling him to start the game, to take what he wants and allow Light to play with him as well. 

This is when they are able to come together again. They come together as one person, and Light can feel the closeness of the other. He cherishes it. When skin is pressed against skin, and hearts are only separated by a mere layer of skin and bone. This is where they truly see each other, and know each other. When the noises around the two grow silent, and the only thing they are aware of is the other person. No matter if it’s a true moment of passion or just another one of their games, Light craves the stillness and sense of rightness only L can bring.

Just the little touches.

The sound of breathing.

It completes him.

“Fuck L.” He breathes out,feeling his body start to move in sync with the other. It was almost like they were only made for the other person. They know each other inside and out, and L knows exactly what he craves. And, he’ll give it to him. If he’s feeling merciful enough. It starts out gentle, because there always is that instal pain, but it soon dissolves in a want and a need, and L starts to go faster. Hitting Light exactly where he knows Light likes it. They fit together like a puzzle piece, and Light can feel everything around him dissolve and turn into softness.

“You like that?” L groans, thrusting himself inside deeper. “You like me?”

“Hnnh…you know…” Light gasps out, grabbing L’s hand that is resting beside him. Soft moans and gasps are the only sound that fills the air. Light feels light-headed, and tries not to thrash his head around to violently. He doesn’t want his hair to looks like he’s just been dragged through a bush, after all. But as L grows increasingly sloppy, and hits him exactly where he feels everything, all of his inhibitions are slowly melting away. He feels his heels dig into the other’s back, and closes his eyes because he loves being able to leave any mark he can on L’s body. He likes a reminder that he was there. 

“So sexy…” L sighs, and Light can feel him begin to move faster. He digs his teeth into his bottom lip as he can feel his body begin to unravel. “My perfect little ingenue…I love you like this Light.”

“Lawliet.” He mumbles, and watches as L’s eyes shoot open and fill with pleasure. It’s a rotten trick, but Light wants to win. And he knows how L loves it when he utters his real name. Because, it’s only the two of them now. 

“Oh, you minx.” L pants, gripping his hips so hard that Light begins to see stars. “You’re so good…for me, aren’t you? Always knowing what I want?”

“Are…you close?” Light manages out, throwing his arm out to pull L closer to him. The other’s head rests in the crook of his neck and his movements still, but only for a moment.

“Are you?” L counters, his hot breath hitting his neck and making him involuntarily writhe. It’s at this point that he begins to hear colors, and all of his surroundings blur together.

“Are you going to cum for me, Light-kun?” L whispers hotly, and Light feels his own arousal become trapped inside of L’s grip. His body becomes boneless as the mattress seems to swallow him, and the only thing he can focus on is the pressure. It’s so much pressure, and it’s so good that Light doesn’t want it to stop. Everything is hot and cold, and he feels like he is floating. 

But all good things must come to an end, and Light squeezes his eyes shut as his orgasam swallows him whole. He can feel his body pulsating, releasing everything it has for L. For just a moment, his heart stops and everything around him disappears. All he can hear are small sounds of pleasure.

“Mmmmm.” He groans out, as he feels L suddenly grip his brown locks in a death grip. Limply, he reaches a hand up to tug at L’s own raven locks. Which feel like silk underneath his finger tips, and he pulls until he rides out his wave of pleasure. L only grabs his hair when he’s about to go under. He loves Light’s hair, and Light doesn’t mind. It is very nice hair, and he takes care of it. 

And the two lie, in the afterglow for a moment. When their brains grow still and process the overwhelming sensations they’ve gone though. When their breath hits each other’s bare skin, and goosebumps suddenly arise. They lay together, always and forever. This is one of those moments where nothing could go wrong. They could both die happy like this, because right now they can only feel the other.

“I guess you’re coming to England.” L wheezes out, finally deciding to remove himself from Light and lay on his side. His hand pets his dirtied stomach softly, and Light grimaces when L raises his hand to his mouth. He’s told L how vile he thinks that particular action is. But, just like his precious sugar, L won’t stop consuming the stuff. He’s like a depraved, whoreish vampire.

Light stretches and lazily looks at L through his lashes, his once combed back black hair is once again in disarray, and sticks up in spike. His face is flushed and sweaty, and his cheeks are hollowed out as he tries to catch his breath. This is one of the only times Light gets to see the real L, with no filters or facade in place. Just like how L can see Light without the masks. 

“I guess.” Light mumbles, rubbing his eyes. “I’ll stay for the summer, that’s all I’m promising.”

“Well, yay for me.” L drones, but Light can see the ways his eyes light up. They’re filled with a certain kind of light, one that means that L is pleased. And, despite all of the things that could and will go wrong, Light loves that look. He can imagine it, sitting in the warm countryside with L as they watch the sky or waking up next to L everyday. He thinks he’ll like it. L always makes everything better.

“I hope you have some healthy food at that house though.” Light scoffs playfully, wiping the sweat away from his forehead. His chest is still rising and falling rapidly, so he places a hand on his heart. It’s alive.

“We have a garden.” L sighs, using his fingers to rearrange some brown tendrils of hair that have fallen out of place. “And MOST of the kids eat healthy. Besides Matt and Mello.”

“Yeah, I can’t really imagine them eating healthy.” Light jokes, and L shakes his head in amusement.

“One time Mello ate a leaf of lettuce and spent the whole night bawling in his room about how his ‘taste buds were soiled’.”

Light stares at L in faux horror, bringing a hand up to fan his face. “You’re kidding.”

“He was eight but…” L loosely shrugs. “It was still pretty funny, he’s always been a drama queen.”

“That’s the one thing I’m not looking forward to, being around children everyday.”

L presses one last kiss to his cheek and sits up, shaking his head. “Don’t be such a grinch, Light.” He raises his arms high and stretches, and Light watches as his muscles ripple under his pale skin. “The children are nice, most of the time.”

“Most of the time.” Light teases, sitting up as well and wrapping his arms around L’s neck. He hasn’t seen Matt, Mello, or Near since last year. He has seen them in the background of Skype calls, trying to spy on his and L’s ‘dates’. When Mello had heard that his plan had worked, Light was told he threw a small but messy party for himself. He still got grounded, which went over as well as one could expect, but his mission did succeed. L and Light were back together, for better or for worse, and it was mostly thanks to his meddling.

Light would never, ever, admit this out loud. But, he was looking forward to seeing them again. Because despite their many flaws, their rudeness, their loudness, their ability to annoy him to the point of contemplate jumping off of a cliff, Light did have a certain soft spot in his heart for the boys. Because they were good kids, deep down. He remembered all of the stories L had told them about the orphans, and he did somewhat feel closer to them. Remembering the time they had all spent together, it did feel like a family. A dysfunctional family, but his family. Light had never thought he needed family, he’d never thought he wanted that. But now that he had his own special family, he didn’t want to let it go.

“You ready to graduate?” L smiled, clutching his hand. “Are you scared?”

Light bit his cheek, and squeezed L’s hand back. “I’m not scared of anything.” He bragged. “And you’re about to watch me snag my diploma and make graduation my bitch.”

L laughed, a genuine sound that filled Light’s heart with a thousand fluttering butterflies, and leaned against his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from the great Light Yagami.”

As his eyelids flickered open, the soft yellow rays of the morning sun poured through the blinds. Church bells rang in the distance and his surroundings were fuzzy in his still sleepy vision. Light loved waking up to the church bells, their gentle ringing wasn’t enough to disturb him but they weren’t so quiet that he would fall back into his slumber. They were like his own personal alarm.

He stretched, feeling the soft comforter fall from his shoulders. His jaw cracked as his mouth opened to let out a loud yawn, and he blinked blearily to find L staring down at him lovingly. Light blushed, twisting his body to the side and snuggling his head into the pillow. The golden sun rays shine on L’s face, making his skin look as if it is sparkling. He looks like some ancient statue from Greece, L could be a greek god. Light laughs at the thought.

“Took you long enough.” L complained, and Light slowly raised himself into a sitting position.

“Well, sorry I have a normal sleep schedule.” He chuckled, flicking his hair to the side. “Did you get any sleep at all?”

L side-eyes him, but before he can give him an answer which Light probably already knows, a voice deepened by puberty comes through the now half open door.

“Are you guys decent?” Then, without waiting for the affirmative, the blonde pushes the door open and waltzes in. He is of course followed by Matt, who is hunched over like L and has his eyes glued to the same electronic in his hand, and Near who looks wary to enter but still does anyway. Light scowls.

“What was the point of asking if you didn’t wait for an answer?” He complained. Luckily, he is clothed in his boxers. Him and L learned the hard way not to sleep in the nude, when one particular night the blonde burst in to yell about his chocolate being stolen. Luckily, he was a few moments too late but it had been very obvious what the two men had been up to. It had been an incredibly awkward experience for everyone, and Mello hadn’t of looked them in the eyes for a straight week. 

“Well, if you were getting it on you would’ve screamed at me to get out as soon as you heard my voice.” Mello told him, which wasn’t a rational thought at all, but whatever. The blonde flopped onto the bed and Light took in his experience. Mello had certainly…grown up since he had come to Japan. The seventeen year old had decided to go through his rebellious, ‘it’s not a phase’ phase. He was wearing a leather crop top and lace up leather pants, with platform boots. Even though they were indoors. The chairs clanked together on his neck, and Light frowned. He thought that Mello looked incredibly indecent for someone his age, and he knew L shared the same opinion. But, the raven didn’t feel like policing the almost adult on what he could or couldn’t wear. So Mello continued to dress as if he was about to go perform at a Marilyn Manson concert. Light had thought he was done dealing with emos that had mental problems when Misa had left, but apparently not.

“Mello, don’t put your shoes on the bed.” L ordered, and Mello just stuck out his tongue.

“Get up you lazy bums.” Mello complained. “It’s fourth of July today!”

Light bent over to grab his sweatshirt off of the floor, but gave the blonde an odd look as he did so. “I don’t understand what the big deal is. And I don’t think you should be celebrating, isn’t this the holiday that celebrates your country’s loss?” Mello celebrating the fourth of July was like a polar bear celebrating global warming. It didn’t make any sense at all, and Light hardly thought it was patriotic.

“There’s fireworks.” Mello stated, as if Light was the one acting ridiculous. “And I’m not english anyway, I’m Russian.”

“The children here only care about the fireworks.” L told him. “I doubt the younger ones even know what the holiday is about.”

“I just want to light up those awesome snakes that turn really long and the disappear into ash.” Matt commented casually, still furiously pushing buttons on his game. The red head hadn’t changed much, except now he wore fingerless gloves and stole L’s car all of the time to go driving. No matter what L would do, whether it was hiding the keys or putting the car in a secure garage, Matt would always find it and go out joyriding. Light thought that it was only by miracle that the young boy hadn’t of run into a tree yet.

“As long as Mello doesn’t try and light my hair on fire with a sparkler, I am excited to see the fireworks.” Near told them, and Light shot the blonde a stern glare. Mello just shrugged, like he always did. 

“I wasn’t trying to light your hair on fire, your head just happened to be in the way.” Mello told him, as if anyone bought that excuse.

“Dammit! He fucking died again!” Matt cursed, slamming the game onto the bed. “L, can I have five bucks?”

“Why?” L asked dryly, pushing his hair out of his face.

“I need to buy more power ups!”

“Have you cleaned your room yet?” L countered, and the red head looked down glumly.

“…Was gonna.” He mumbled sullenly, kicking the leg of the bed and making it slightly shake.

“Well, why don’t you go do that now so me and L can get ready.” Light told them, trying his best to smooth his bed head down. While he couldn’t see the state that his hair was in, he knew that he had just woken up so it must be in disarray.

“Is that code for you wanna do it?” Matt snickered, earning sour looks from the two men, a disdainful shake of Near’s head, and an elbow to the stomach from Mello.

“Gross dude! You can’t joke about that.” Mello shuddered. “You haven’t seen the things I have…”

“This is very inappropriate.” L droned. “You three should go clean your rooms. This is not health class, nor a locker room.”

“My room is always clean L.” Near pointed out, earning a sigh from the raven.

“Then go help Mr.Wammy prepare breakfast! I’d like to have some alone time with Light.”

“Light promised me he’d play video games with us today though.” Matt complained, shooting an accusatory look at the brunette who held his arms up in mock surrender.

“I didn’t forget.” Light told him. Because, yes, he and L had been a little wine drunk last night. This had unfortunately led to Light letting his guard down and affectionately agreeing to a video game session. Since he was a man of his word, Light would be forced to follow through on his promise. But he was not at all looking forward to wasting his time playing with little pixels on a television. He wished Matt had asked him to read theory or play chess instead. Chess was a much better game, it multiplied brain cells instead of destroying them. Chess was a lost art, only meant for true intellectuals. 

“Light’s not going to play with you three first thing in the morning.” L rebuked, standing up to pull his jeans and white teeshirt on. The shirt had a wine stain on it, but Light knew that L would find that out soon enough. L didn’t like Light fussing over him, but much to his dismay and Light’s delight, the brunette had been able to switch a few of L’s nasty habits around. L now had to try to sleep every night, he didn’t snap at Light during EVERY fight, and he had even learned to put the toilet seat down. Even though L called it ‘bitching’, this bitching was making him into a better man. 

“Yes, why don’t you three run along.” Mr. Wammy suddenly said from the door, holding some folded fresh linen. Light smiled in gratitude at the older gentleman as the three groaned, but ultimately did as they were told. Mr. Wammy had, fortunately, accepted Light with open arms and even given him permission to use his real name. He was like a grandfather to Light. The two had bonded over poker, and Mr. Wammy always lent Light a rational ear when the brunette had to complain about L. He had made sure that Light had felt right at home in England, and Light couldn’t be more grateful for that fact.

“Thank you, Mr. Wammy.” Light sighed, regretfully getting out of his cozy cocoon of blankets and starting to pull his sweatpants on.

“Yes, I love those children but sometimes they make me want to put a bullet in between my eyes.” L sighed, returning from the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth. Mr. Wammy tutted, and placed his hands on his hips.

“L.” He sighed, but his voice held a touch of amusement. “Now, is there anything you two would like for breakfast today?”

“Could you make some strawberry shortcake-“

“No.” Light interrupted, shaking his head. “L, you can’t eat cake first thing in the morning! You should have something with vegetables-“

“I’ve already had enough out of you! I will have my cake and eat it too.” L said firmly, shooting Light a warning glare. But Light just narrowed his own eyes, because this was one of those fights he was going to win.

“You had cake yesterday though!”

“Yes, and I want it again today!”

“You could have an omelette-“

“Light, I will not eat aborted chicken fetuses for a meal.”

“L, for the last time, eggs that are meant for eating are not fertilized!”

“Maybe not, but they still give me the creeps.”

“I will prepare egg whites with spinach and a fruit parfait for the both of you, does that sound fair?” Mr. Wammy butted in, shooting both of the boys a placating look. Light nodded, because that was more than a fair compromise. usually, when they got into trivial fights like these, Mr. Wammy would have to but in and offer them a compromise. Light didn’t know what he’d do without the older man. If he and L were allowed to continue on in these fights, it would probably last until the sun once again went down.

“Whatever, just use the strawberry yogurt.” L grumbled, obviously not pleased about his cake being taken away but knowing that ultimately he wouldn’t win. “And, I’ll have coffee too. With twelve sugar cubes-“ He shot Light a meaningful look, which the brunette just ignored. That wasn’t even coffee at that point, it would just be brown sludge! “Thank you, Mr. Wammy.”

“AND I’ll have plain black coffee, since I don’t feel like dying today.” Light countered. “Thank you.” 

The older man looked at them both in amusement, before bowing and retreating from their room. 

“I WILL have cake tonight.” L declared, playfully cuffing Light over the ear. “And maybe rice krispy treats. Yes, that sounds fantastic. And don’t think you’ll be able to stand in the way of my rice krispy treats you little health nut!”

Light just shook his head, because what could he really expect? L would never fully give up his sugar obsession, and Light had decided to live with that. there were certain hills he would die on, but not this one. Plus, he loved the way L tasted after he had had his sweets. He just affectionately ruffled the other man’s hair and ran off into the bathroom when L chased after him. Maybe he would call his mother today.

“So, they’re celebrating fourth of July today.” Light told his mother, looking out into the lush green forest that lay ahead of him. He was sitting in the grass, and the long green tendrils tickled the exposed skin on his legs which his shorts did not cover. “Even though we are in England, but whatever.”

“Goodness.” His mother laughed. “And they know that this is an American holiday?”

“That’s what I said.” Light chuckled, blowing his bangs away from his eyes. Maybe he should get a trim soon. “But, they just like the fireworks apparently. I don’t know where they managed to find fireworks, and I’m guessing it’s best not to ask.”

“Well, I hope they will be careful.” His mother sighed. “Is someone there responsible enough to handle fireworks? I wouldn’t want you catching on fire.”

Light smirked at his mother’s paranoia. “Yeah, I’m sure a few of the teachers do. And no, L will not be going anywhere near the fireworks.”

“That’s good.” His mother grumbled. “Is he treating you well?”

“Yes mom.” Light told her, self-consciously tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. He was touched by his mother’s concern, he really was. But if L started acting in a way that Light didn’t like, he knew he would leave. As long as he stayed in England, that meant L’s obnoxiousness wasn’t affecting him to the point of no return. “How are father and Sayu?”

“Sayu’s gotten herself a little boyfriend, if you can believe that.” His mother laughed. “And your father is still working on cases. This newest one…he couldn’t tell me many details but I know it has something to do with insurance fraud. Apparently, it leads down a rabbit hole. He’s been coming home more often though, so I suppose I should count my blessings.”

Light nodded, imagining his family. He missed them, he truly did. But he knew L was going to be buying a penthouse in Tokyo soon, and then the two would go back and forth as much as their schedules allowed it. But, imagining his baby sister with a new boyfriend made him smile and promise to himself that he would pull out the ‘over-protective’ brother role as soon as he went home. 

It was odd, to think that his family was so far away from him. They had been the people he had been closest to all of his life. He imagined his mother sitting on their patio, drinking a cup of green tea while talking to him. He imagined his father carrying his briefcase, and solving cases with the honor and responsibility that he always did. And even though they were on two spirit masses of land, Light felt just as connected to his family as if he had been in the same room. They would always have that bond, and they would always be in each other’s lives. The world kept spinning, and time’s arrow kept marching forward, but the love between them would never change. Light would always reminisce about helping Sayu with her homework and then coming down to enjoy one of his mother’s homemade meals. He would always miss how when he would come home from high school, sometimes his father had asked for his thoughts on a case. But, he was growing up and his life was certainly a lot more steady than it had been in his youth. He would always miss the old days, but he would never want to go back.

“It’s hard to imagine Sayu with a boyfriend.” Light laughed. “Hopefully he’s treating her well.”

“I think he is.” His mother told him.

“Well, when I come back I’ll make sure to have a talk with him.” Light told her, laughing so that his mother knew he was joking.

His mother chuckled fondly. “Two of my children are now dating. You grew up so fast.” She told him, now sounding a bit mournful. “It seems like only yesterday I was helping you tie your shoes and taking you to the playground.”

Light closed his eyes, remembering how his mother used to push him on the swings. “Those were good times.”

“They were.” His mother agreed softly. “I’m so proud of you, Light.”

“Thank you, Mama.” Light whispered, looking up at the setting sun. The sky had already turned pink, and the dark-blue clouds of night were rolling in. He felt a breeze below through him, and sighed contentedly to himself. “We should go back to that playground sometime. Just for old times sake.”

“I’d like that. Maybe I could even push you on the swings again.” His mother said, and Light could hear the smile in her voice.

“Or maybe I’ll push you.”

“Well, I’d like to see you try.” His mother teased. “Would you be able to push me as high as I had pushed you?”

“I’d manage.” Light smirked, rolling a dandelion in between his fingers. “I’m definitely stronger now. Maybe I’d even make you fly!”

“I don’t know if my old heart could handle that.” His mother laughed.

“You aren’t that old.”

“No, I suppose forty-seven is the new twenty-one.”

“Hm, I’d think you were twenty-one.” 

“Oh, stop it Light. You little flatterer.”

“Just being honest.” Light joked, before he caught sight of L walking towards him. “I have to go now, Mom. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too Light. Call me again soon, and make sure you don’t let your boyfriend get away with anything! You keep him in line, you hear me?”

“I hear you.” Light laughed, standing up and brushing the grass of of himself. 

“And make sure you drink enough water and go to bed at a reasonable time.” His mother chided. “I know how you young adults can be.”

“Yes mom.” He groaned playfully. “I love you, bye.” He flipped his phone shut, and grasped L’s outstretched hand.

“Your mom?”

“Yep.” Light cheekily grinned as L rolled his eyes. “She still can’t say your name, but now she doesn’t sound like she’s about to throw up when I mention you.”

“That’s progress, I guess.” L sighed moodily, bumping his shoulder against Light’s.

“Did you calm Mello down?”

L chuckled, shaking his head. From ahead of them, a bluebird sat on a small tree branches. “I managed. I promised him extra chocolate tomorrow if he didn’t go after Near.”

“At least he knows how to stick up for himself.” Light mused, steeping over a rock. “And, it was funny to see Mello wake up with lipstick all over his face.”

“I don’t even know where he would’ve got lipstick.” L let out a long-suffering sigh. “What will I do with them?”

“Maybe we should go on another vacation.” Light bit his lip, as L’s eyes lit up.

“Paris?”

“You read my mind.”

“Now, how do you suppose I did that?”

“Because you're apart of me.” Light smiled softly, leaning over to press a sweet kiss on L’s cheek. L turned his head and softly grasped onto Light’s jaw, pulling him in for a much sweeter kiss. The two stood under the setting sun, and Light felt it’s brightness as L’s mouth moved against his. In perfect harmony. he closed his eyes, and the world was silent. They were too beating hearts, under the setting sun, and everything was right.

“Come up to the roof with me? We can watch the sunset before the fireworks start.” L smiled, pulling away and ghosting a hand over Light’s cheek. Light leaned into the touch, staring into those obsidian orbs that he had come to love. “I told Matt and Mello to bring us up some rice Krispy treats.”

“I just hope the don’t talk during the fireworks.” Light laughed. “And tell them to bring some bomb pops.”

“Light-kun likes popsicles?”

“Maybe.”

“Or maybe he just wants to tease me.”

“That is also a very possible theory.” Light whispered. “I guess you’ll have to find out.”

“As long as your prepared to do something about it.”

“Mmmm, you know I always follow through.”

“That you do, Light-kun. That you do.”

A comfortable silence surrounded the pair as they walked back to Wammy’s house. Hand in hand. Together. Just as they should always be. No matter what came of them, they would always hold each other’s heart. Always and forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and review, and know that I do not own death note and I am not making any money from this fic, obviously;)


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